Fear

                It is through fear that I exist: it defines my every action. There is a difficulty that lies in expression when all that is offered is a continuation of illusion, existing only to mask the otherwise grim reality. It’s much easier to smile, half-heartedly, and offer the expected response than to stand in opposition and say what is true. This little house of mirrors of mine disorients even me at times and I often scream, in waking silence, to smash them all to bits; but alas I never have the strength to, strength is something that I lack. 

Author's Note

2/3/11

Reviews

[B]

Strength comes along nicely
it takes time
it grows like a beautiful flower
and fills you

[Jonny The Savage]

I've definitely gotten much stronger since I wrote this piece, but I still feel so utterly broken :/.

[B]

It takes time
And reading builds you on the inside

[Jonny The Savage]

It's a good thing I'm rather scholarly then I suppose :P.

[B]

I am too
Its a bit strange
Because i do not look it
But put me in the right crowd and my mouth just says stuff
i dont know what happens
Your books stay inside you
and they make you sharp i think
i dunno
maybe i am imagining this

[Jonny The Savage]

Judging someone by their looks alone is a silly thing to do.
I think the last time I was in a crowd, I was seizing violently and they were trying to save my life. I think that counts.
I'm just a very solitary man, I suppose. I've always felt alone, and nothing really changes that. No matter the amount of pretty faces or prettier lies, I'll still always long for someone to want me for me. And that just seems impossible.
If you never stop reading/trying to improve yourself, of course you become sharper. No imagination necessary, but it helps.

[B]

Yes we do change ourselves in being alone
but being in the world matters so much
i go out everyday
and carry things with people i do not know
lol and we laugh
and kiss them and go back home
The world was built for everyone to be together
and i am lucky
because i go in to the crowd
then go back home for some me time

[Jonny The Savage]

I honestly miss being in the world, I've been locked away with broken bones for the last two years. I miss helping strangers. I miss the Summer. I miss the beauty of nature.

[B]

Well
Its time to get out
There is no stopping you
ever

[Jonny The Savage]

My body stops me, sadly. The titanium in my leg does as much to hurt as it does to help and my spine is rather unhappy about the damage its received. Today for instance, I could barely get out of bed. I woke up screaming in pain, unable to control myself. Pain to this magnitude keeps you from much, there's no way to understand, I feel, until you've been there.

[B]

Where do you live again ?

[Jonny The Savage]

Central Pennsylvania.

[B]

Ok ..... Is it freezing cold
its 2 degrees here
i am wearing a hat indoors lol

[Jonny The Savage]

hahaha it's like 50 here and I wasn't thrilled about that..
Perspective. It changes everything.

[B]

lol
I know the 50 feeling lol
Do you have a chair to take around everywhere and go out

[Jonny The Savage]

haha no, I don't have a wheel chair, I just have to use them for doctor visits.

[B]

Do you need it
Can you walk around without it

[Jonny The Savage]

I can, but only short distances at the moment. Am still recovering from two major surgeries. One of which makes men twice my age shake in their boots. And I had it twice because it failed the first time because I went to a butcher.

[B]

It is the worst when the surgeon is a butcher
In the tibia or the fibula and the back surgery did he touch L5?

[Jonny The Savage]

I fractured my L5 vertebra in a car accident five years ago. It was slipping off my spinal column and giving me sciatic down my right leg (which I still have) and causing the flaming sort of nerve pain in my left leg. I got the least invasive surgery possible for it, which caused me anguish that no word would honestly describe. It failed, badly. Then I got the most invasive possible surgery to fix it, cut down to the spine from the abdomen once and the back twice. I broke my tibia at the knee and ankle and not sure where on the fibula in a spiral fracture. Had to get a tibial nailing, which is literally what it is...they nail titanium in to your tibia.

[Jonny The Savage]

The song's very pretty.

[B]

You have to start swimming
i know i sound like a devil right now
but you need to get in a pool
I know it is hard to move
there is a treatment place in Pennsylvania
You can get into an entire program
Whenever you feel ready
for now
Walking when you feel pain sit down
do you have one of those portable chairs ..... or a walker
you can mount the chair on the basket
trust me in one month you will be like oh my
how did that happen
and there are some supplements that are non medicinal that will change you everyday
hold on

[Jonny The Savage]

That's actually what I did before and after my failed back surgery, didn't help at all.
Right now, my doctors just want me to walk as much as I can, and I seem to walk twice that haha. Even if I regret it the next day.
I do have a walker, but I usually use a cane. Only use the walker to get out of bed or change.
I passed out on my way to physical therapy for my back and ended up fracturing 5-7 vertebrae and breaking my left ankle on both sides...Irony dictates my life.

[B]

No
No irony you need to break this down and work on each one alone
so walking and swimming by three weeks is your target and do not give up do not stop
it works
i worked with this before
give it time
pain management
is essential
what are you taking for the pain
that wont put u to sleep
this you need

[Jonny The Savage]

I just meant that it was super ironic that I broke my back on the way to physical therapy for my back.
I am doing the walking thing, but swimming is probably off the table.
Pain management isn't really helping much, but I've only gone once.
They put me on oxycodone last year and have been on that ever since.
I need something to put me to sleep sadly lol, I have terrible chronic insomnia.
When I got my sleep study, my sleep was so irregular 36 minutes over 22 hours in 4 separate times falling asleep. The guy wanted to make me a national case studio...but I was not interested.

[B]

Your sleep deprivation will create so much for you i know you think i am a looney
but when you dont sleep you create unique work

ok
i know someone in uni of penn and i think he is Virginia now not sure he is a a close friend for 16 years
and i am sure he can find you the correct care
For sleeping
pills are the worst steer away from them
they disturb the production of melatonin
You need herbal remedies
i know you dont believe in them but they work
lavendar on your pillow
and some teas work miracles try to steep some Caraway
And all lights must be shut
and no computer and no alcohol at all

hold on
this link
http://theheartysoul.com/herbal-tea-benefits/

[B]

Fame doctors are the best let him get his ego all fluffed but he will get to the right place
because it will make him look good

[Jonny The Savage]

I never said/thought you were a looney.
I do actually drink herbal tea, yogi tea is by far my favorite brand of it.
Egyptian Licorice is just too delicious not to drink!
My body just struggles to relax at all.
I do that as it is, minus the Caraway and lavender on my pillow.
I very rarely drink, Bourbon Alley was the result of the last time I really drank excessively.
I don't see that doctor any more, see someone else who doesn't seem too concerned about my quality of sleep, or if I sleep at all.

[B]

change the doctor
your doctor must respond fast if he doesnt then its time to move
do not wait
sleeping is a state of mind
believe it or not
you can think your self into being awake or into sleep
your mind is so powerful
and walking everyday try to add ten minutes each day
i must say the walker is better than the cane because it balances weight

[B]

start this and you will see a difference with alot of things

http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/supplement-guide-glucosamine

[Jonny The Savage]

I've been thinking about it. The one I was originally seeing changed practices and I got stuck with someone else.
Absolutely, I'm at a point where I automatically wake myself up from nightmares.
Lucid dreams are truly a strange experience if you've ever had one.
I'll give it a look.

[B]

You need to take Zinc, Copper, Calcium and Silicon
and eat crazy amounts of protein
easiest is eggs
tons

[B]

Walk alot you will get exhausted
but to sleep you need meds for the pain
The thing with meds
i know this will sound harsh
but the body adjusts to it
go back to step one
try to delay taking the pills
till it kills you and then take it
your body will start to cope with pain
but curative supplements is what helps here

[Jonny The Savage]

I do actually eat a ton of protein and eggs.
I can't really walk to the point of exhaustion, I'm still in relatively good shape from years of working out, so I always put myself in misery before reaching that point.
I try to, as best as I can, but the pain consumes me most days like a moth to a flame.

[B]

i know
i know
its ok
its gonna pass
so fast

[B]

You are a miracle
everything that happened to you
this is a miracle
i know you dont see it
but you are

[B]

You need to realize it
this is a miracle
a medical miracle
i know so much about bones
this is not normal
you should be the happiest man alive
you are unbreakable
do you realize that

[B]

You wont see it now
in one year
you will see it all
for now
i promise you
it will get better so fast
recovery phase one is the hardest
just do not give up
miracle jonny

[Jonny The Savage]

I hope you're right, these last two years have been the longest and hardest of my life.

[B]

L5 is an area once touched
you are paralyzed
there are only two or three surgeons in the world that dare to work with it
and they are very careful to not touch much of it
with regards to the fibula you get a couple of chances with it but again very sensitive
So yes Jonny you are definitely a walking and talking miracle

[Jonny The Savage]

I should've died five times so far by my count.
I have no idea why I can't die.
It's utterly strange.
Miraculous, but inherently strange.

What isn't normal about me?
I try to be, and a lot of days I am, I think.
I'm trying not to, it's just so hard to hold on some days.

[B]

Love the music
Rock on i am listening to it now

[Jonny The Savage]

Perhaps I'm not as unlucky as I feel. My fibula was almost too broken to be fixed.
I'm glad you like it, playing music makes me feel free, completely liberated from this mortal coil.

[B]

You are not dying
because your brain is so so so powerful
it will not die
and by the way
because this kind of writing serves humanity
so no your brain cant go
its worth something
you are sitting on a gold mine
literally
so i suggest you reach out for a venue
a newspaper
or television
something
but this can not go to waste

[Jonny The Savage]

People always suggest that I'm still alive for a reason, but my humility doesn't really allow me to believe it.
I'm just not good at selling myself.
It makes me feel like a fraud or a con man...and I don't like to feel that way.

[B]

You are not unlucky
I have no idea what kind of dr allowed something like this to pass himread moreYou are not unlucky
I have no idea what kind of dr allowed something like this to pass him
medical miracle
can you put all your details together and send them over to [email protected]

[B]

Selling yourself is something
recognition is quite another
finding a place to value your knowledge is the right thing to do always
like placing a gem inside a glass display

[B]

Have you contacted anyone in the Harvard Medical School ?

[Jonny The Savage]

The kind of butcher that doesn't care if his patients get better because he wants to make more money from continued surgeries...you should have seen his older patients...or the way that he refused to x-ray my back to see if it was fusing after we got a ct scan showing the bone graft wasn't there...then he wanted to do a surgery that my new surgeon went wide eyed at the description of.

Regardless, I'm not good at it haha. I've just never felt like I really belong anywhere, so I don't even know what kind of venue would ever have me.

I haven't. No. Hershey Medical Center though.

[B]

You choose the venue
they would be lucky if one manages to get you

hold on he gave you a back surgery without a bone graft
Oh please put a folder together and send it over to HMD
Please

[B]

and another one to U Penn Med school
Oh please do it
please

[B]

this is not normal
a back surgery with no graft
no no
please send the folderread morethis is not normal
a back surgery with no graft
no no
please send the folder
of everything
please

[B]

Is he aware he can have his liscense revoked for life
and that he can be tried
this is medical mal pactise
oh mon dieu

[Jonny The Savage]

There was bone graft, but it must've come loose or something? I really don't know. It was sketchy.read moreThere was bone graft, but it must've come loose or something? I really don't know. It was sketchy.
Penn State Med is where I go now for my back, it took an insane surgery to fix the butcher's.
I don't know that I can really prove anything. I just know that after we got the ct scan results he absolutely refused to give me an x-ray. For months. And at Hershey (Penn State Med) they x-ray me every time I go.

[B]

No no
Bone grafts dont come loose dude no no
it doesnt work like that no no
you are a case to be studied
so freaking cool
i know you wanna kick me in the face right now
but you are the coolest ever
mind blown boooooooooooooof :P

[Jonny The Savage]

But I don't want to be a guinea pig lol.
haha I don't, it's cute, actually.
I think your standard for coolest ever must be pretty low if I fit it :P

[B]

You wont be
you will get the attention you need
and this is vital and uncover some serious mal practise
think how many people have to go through this
thats not fair
You are in the wrong hands
please put a folder through to Harved or Upenn
trust me you wont regret it

[Jonny The Savage]

I'm in the right hands now though, at least. Penn State's medical center and everything.
It really isn't fair, I just don't know that I can change/let alone prove anything.
I wish I could.
I just feel so weak and powerless.

[B]

i dont know why you say that
put a folder together
of everything
everything
read morei dont know why you say that
put a folder together
of everything
everything
and send it through

[Jonny The Savage]

I don't know why you're so confident that anyone would take my word over his.
It's not like I'm his only patient.
Everyone around knows how he operates.
It changes nothing.

[B]

its not your word
papers talk
not you
do not write anything . attach the folder to all your xrays and everything you had done
write nothing
do not do it with the intention to mess him up no
do it to get an opinion that is it
and i am telling you your folder will hit a VP somewhere i assure you

[B]

no evil act ... watch your intentions
do it because you deserve to be treated
you deserve medical care thats it
do not place his name in the folder

[B]

Karma will take care of him irrespective of you
trust me
bad people run
they are jerks

[B]

If i were a doctor and you have documents to prove the accuracy of your words
i would pay you to treat you
because this is not normal
i cant actually believe it

[Jonny The Savage]

I think Hershey Medical Center already has all of the documents, from when I transferred there for care and got away from the butcher.
The only problem with Karma, is that there are ways around it. Suggestion is one, for instance, as long as you do not violate Free Will, there is no negative Karma.
haha I kind of wish you were a doctor,
I'm pretty broke from all of this time off being able to do next to nothing.
Well, you've read most of what I did...write and read and learn
Find new music, learn to play new types of music.
Push my boundaries in every tangible way that I could.

[Jonny The Savage]

No one's really made a big fuss about it, though.
I even had my l5 vertebra removed and replaced with a trifecta of bone grafting materials.

[B]

did you reach the city
some in the government ?
isnt there a moderation board that governs this practise
hold on i can find out

[B]

The world is fair
this guy will not run free from justice u do nothing
life will take care of him

[Jonny The Savage]

I never really tried.
But it wasn't the practice in Hershey that fucked up my back surgery, they're the ones that fixed it.

[B]

Its time to make some noise mister lol
get ready lol

[B]

dont forget to suit up and the sunglasses
nothing drives bad people more than dressing well lol
i am joking but yeah suit up
do you have a lawyer

[B]

All together its a case
the scientists will want to learn more
and the law system should support you to live better
and you need to forgive that man
let him be ...... but its just a medical marvel thats all so reach out

[Jonny The Savage]

When suddenly, Mister Savage became a guinea pig haha.
I don't, no, I usually don't get into legal disputes haha.
I just keep to myself.
I've forgiven him, I understand he's just very materialistic.
And that's what drives him.
No matter what it costs anyone else.
There are many more like him,
Many bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
So there's no reason to focus on the sad guppy.
I still kind of think you're pulling my leg on the medical marvel stuff though.
Maybe they've been some serious progress on l5? Idk.
I just don't imagine myself as being a very special person.
And what you describe sounds rather special.

[B]

please just go and put your file with someone who is smart enough to understand
please listen to me
nothing to lose
if its just ordinary
then its ordinary
you wont be a guinea pig
its opening up to the world
and you will run around in no time
this file thing is for you
it will lift you so high
to know you were not neglected
never

[Jonny The Savage]

But where would I even begin?

[B]

organize all the papers, according to date
you need to be able to see a case
easilyread moreorganize all the papers, according to date
you need to be able to see a case
easily
It needs to be so easy that a child can flip through it and figure out everything
Write nothing
find someone in charge
write a formal very short letter requesting a meeting
or a house visit
sit down and give them the folder
and tell that person you need advice on how to pursue this situation
do not complain
or feel sorry for you
dress well and be kind
and leave the folder with that person and do not ask when or what or why
leave that person to evaluate everything and think
and things change

[B]

Set up a meeting and simply present your documents
no need to even talk
and just leave
let this person evaluate and take all the time they need to assess everything

[B]

Prepare the folder i will read about the medical law system
i do not know much about that
read morePrepare the folder i will read about the medical law system
i do not know much about that
lol

[B]

if you decide to do this
that doctor will not be practising anymore

http://www.courtstatistics.org/~/media/microsites/files/csp/highlights/16_4_medical_malpractice_on_appeal.ashx

[B]

One of the highest win rates ..... so yeah he will get in trouble
i think you shouldnt do it
but i do think you should approach a good hospital

[B]

http://www.riederstravis.com/book-legal-malpractice-100709-10009733.pdf

Apparently this happens in Pennsylvania alot

[Jonny The Savage]

But is it still malpractice if he did everything by the book, just did it very shittily?
read more
But is it still malpractice if he did everything by the book, just did it very shittily?
There was zero fusion whatsoever and my current surgeon told me that it's somewhat typical for a non-invasive fusion to fail (from his personal experience he put it at like 50/50).
I'm still honestly kind of taken aback at someone showing this much interest in my life.
Most people look at me like I'm human garbage.
You're too kind. :D

[B]

You cant decide that
only a judge can

[B]

Forget him
he is a bad man
let him be
do not let him take away your peace of mind

[Jonny The Savage]

"threat of unrealized future harm does not suffice to create a cause of action for negligence.” read more"threat of unrealized future harm does not suffice to create a cause of action for negligence.”
I don't think it would apply. Even though the hardware in my back was loose when I had my 2nd back surgery (they had to go from 7mm to 8.5mm and go at a different angle for two screws). My surgeon told me that it would've only caused harm quite a bit in the future.

[B]

i guess
but see we got some law in for today
isnt that cool lol

[Jonny The Savage]

hahaha yeah, it's always fun to randomly learn.

[B]

Curiosity always

[Jonny The Savage]

I feel like if not for my curiosity, I wouldn't be me.

[B]

Isnt it magical

[Jonny The Savage]

Rather so.