Four Ten

A memoir of the day that I broke my leg while, suddenly, violently seizing.

The day of which I have little recollection is the day of which we'll never forget. The lapses in memory are luckily some of the more horrifying scenes in my life - rivaling death sentence car accidents and rather invasive back surgeries. The last thing I remember is getting out of bed to go to the bathroom - scene missing - MY FOOT IS SIDEWAYS. I feel incredible pain down the leg that my sciatica runs and the limpness of my now useless foot. Panic and desperation consume me as I scream for help with all of the breath in my chest... to no avail, as I hear the door open downstairs. I'm still not quite sure how, but I crawl my way onto my bed, where my cell phone is sitting on a rickety nightstand that would crumble under any real stress... I make contact with my parents finally. 

Fear defines me as my father enters the room, and more upset than I think I have ever seen him, exclaims something like: "my god Jonathan, what have you done!!?" It's all I can do to keep my composure as I think of the tragic scene. In my twenty-four years, many things have tried to kill me, but only one memory fills me  with more dread - suffice to say that "when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you," and that reality is much stranger than fiction.

My mom touches my leg, and exclaims that it's broken. I seize again. When I come to I see my lifelong friend and neighbor's father holding one side of me, as my father holds the other. Time seems to fly by and the ambulance arrives with a stretcher to carry my grotesque body to the hospital. 

I recall my mother in the front seat of the ambulance, scared out of her mind.I made small talk with the EMT's, jocular as ever, despite my arms convulsing at random intervals and seizing at others. I'm almost calm at this moment, full of delusions that my leg could just be set.

Eventually we arrive at the hospital. I was told by one x-ray technician that I had been seizing so violently that she thought it was fake. At the same time my mother is screaming bloody murder for help and I'm swarmed over like a scene in a television show when the patient is "checking out," so to speak. My mom told me that she thought she was losing me then...and here I am, unconscious...unable to even think. I shudder just imagining the scene, the image and panic tattooed forever in my consciousness.

Time passes and I'm given large doses of opiates, but to no avail. We learn that I've spiral fractured my tibia at the knee and ankle and only once in the fibula. Much to my distress, I would be needing surgery - a tibial nailing with screws at the ankle and knee. The surgeon needed for the procedure was unavailable for a few sleepless nights. Much of the intermediate time is a blur, consciously I am far away. I am running for dear life from the reality that awaits me, but I never make it all that far - the agony and hospital bed tether me like a deranged animal struggling for freedom. 

More time passes - the surgery is a success and escape is the only thing on my mind besides a crippling fear of what could happen to myself...but more so my loved ones. Every car ride. Every minuscule thing filled me with such fear for those I hold dear. I'm only now starting to overcome the constant dread, honestly. This year has been the most difficult and crippling that I have experienced in my twenty-four years. I pray it is never challenged. 

Author's Note

9/12/15

Reviews

[B]

It is very brave that you wrote this
and shared it
Extremely brave
I know you wont love what i have to say
but i see a subtle tone of hope in all your words here
Like it wasnt just you and your parents
that somehow everything will be alright
if not
better than they were before
Look at this gift you have
A humble soul with the ability to pierce through anything and reach truth

[Jonny The Savage]

It was honestly the hardest thing that I've ever written. But I just had to get it down, and out there. The experience really fucked me up. These last few years have damaged me so badly that I wonder if I'll ever be okay. I hope your right, I don't think I can handle any more surprise seizures or damage to my worthless, broken body.

[Jonny The Savage]

It was all I could do to keep my composure when I wrote it, some tears snuck by anyways, as their oft to do these days.

[B]

No your body is not broken
and never worthless
thats it
it wont happen againread moreNo your body is not broken
and never worthless
thats it
it wont happen again
its over
you are all you now
all good

[B]

No tears ...... silly me has got tons of crazy fits
you will be laughing ...... completely insane little me
i am still digging into your writes havent touch the surface yet lol

[Jonny The Savage]

I think the sad part is that you've been kinder to me than most people that I know in real life and had considered "friends" at one point before the accident and subsequent leg and back surgeries. I hope you enjoy what you haven't gotten to, although not all of it is all that great.

[B]

Its amazing
and i do not know how to lie
i suck at it
Your friends are not friends until they see everything and remain

[Jonny The Savage]

Thanks, and I've learned that the hard way these last few years. I try not to let it get me down, but it does get the better of me some days, like today.

[B]

I am sorry
But hey if its out it never stays within
And i love reading everything you write

[Jonny The Savage]

No worries.

I'm glad you do, I've loved what I've read of yours so far too.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm, perhaps, not just a broken man whose only solace comes in the form of notebooks and dusty old books.

[B]

No
you are never broken
And now there will be tons of books ...... i got T.S Eliot and i cant wait to dig in
finally i can share my thoughts
i have so many books i am dying to talk about

[Jonny The Savage]

It's just hard to feel that way when you struggle to do every day things to the extent that I do. Especially considering that I went from the best shape of my life to unable to walk any sort of distance. Struggling to walk in general.
I need to read more T.S. Eliot, I haven't been reading much lately, have been mostly trying to write and just keep myself from breaking.

[B]

I am sure it is hard
and i could never lie and say i get it
but start somewhere
anywhere
to the door
to the porch
Cup of tea and music
and dont forget to wave at everyone that walks and smile lol
and if they get grumpy
well
too bad for them

[Jonny The Savage]

haha that's actually pretty much where I am. I keep pushing myself too hard though. I just don't like to believe in limitation, even if it does cause me more pain than I ever imagined possible.

[B]

Well
i guess you are out
because i live in Ottawa Canada
and you live in the US Pennsylvania
and here we are talking
so you left the house
you actually took a plane lol
and here we are

[B]

and i can take you anywhere in the world
I have been many places and never left my place
read moreand i can take you anywhere in the world
I have been many places and never left my place
test me
ask me any question and i will answer and if i dont know i will say i dont know

[Jonny The Savage]

haha if you look at it that way, then I've lived among most of the world for many, many years.
What should I read more of? You seem to keep suggesting it :P

[B]

German poetry
http://www.dialoginternational.com/dialog_international/2009/04/april-is-national-poetry-month-so-naturally-it-is-imperative-to-blog-about-poetry-last-year-in-slate-ron-rosenbaum-made-a.html

And the propaganda pieces
i know its unethical but some to me are works for art
and the posters

And if you ever get the chance Armenian Novels
yes novels lol
They have so much mystery and just magic in essence
so gorgeous
You must look at some hold on
i have so much

[Jonny The Savage]

That poem is beautiful, makes me miss going on hikes for hours, nothing but myself and nature for miles.
Propaganda is a work of art, truly. It's not all necessarily negative, it only got that connotation after WWII.
The novel hater suggesting novels? what? haha :P

[B]

lol
I told you i am crazy i never lied
i used to do mountain climbing
Yes nature is beautiful
but you know
you have those images in your head
and you can put them out into words
or on a sketch book
charcoal is the best second to coffee beans

[Jonny The Savage]

haha into words, it'd have to be words.
My drawing skills haven't really progressed beyond stick men and symbols.

[B]

funny enough
most any legitimate art school
you start off with sticks
lines
read morefunny enough
most any legitimate art school
you start off with sticks
lines
nothing more than that
the brain then builds form
and in six months
you have some curves
in one year
you get strokes and color

I told you we can talk about anything lol

[Jonny The Savage]

I guess I just don't have the passion for physical art. Music and words are more my thing.

[B]

i love music
i like some Moroccan music its a bit different hold on let me find it

[Jonny The Savage]

If you'd like, I could show you some of my music. Although not much is done due to falling weaker and weaker, yet, physically in the process of finishing it.

[B]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tLwuFFMIgg

[B]

Oh show me
always cool

[Jonny The Savage]

Have an email I could send it to?

[B]

yes its [email protected]

[Jonny The Savage]

Just sent you a song. Let me know what you think of my vocals, when you get a chance :P

[B]

ok i will .... thanks

[B]

Johnny this is cool lol
Its so edgy

[Jonny The Savage]

It's Jonny, actually, Johnny is my dead uncle that gave me his name.
haha what did you like more, the raspy blues vocals or the clean singing?

[B]

Your voice has got so much life to it
you got this urgency
it shows in your voice
read moreYour voice has got so much life to it
you got this urgency
it shows in your voice
for life

[Jonny The Savage]

I'm glad you think so, I've never had it described that way.
I'm beginning to think that's your catch phrase haha :P

[B]

lol
cool
good stuff

[Jonny The Savage]

If you'd like, I could send you some of the impromptu recordings. There are some nice points in them, but not entirely sure if you'll enjoy them.

[B]

Please send them

[Jonny The Savage]

Just them a few recordings, all live/impromptu with me on leads. There are a ton of mistakes, but some of it is pretty interesting imo.

[B]

I love it
I tell you
You got some edge
alot of it

[Jonny The Savage]

Thanks!
What do you mean by edge though?
Like the teenage edge-lord who tries to act cool or like the cutting edge?

[B]

Like edge
no teenagers
totally cutting edge

[Jonny The Savage]

Awesome then haha
In some online communities edgy is an insult.

[B]

What the world to come to
Impossible to envision everything in light
back when i came here
edgy rocked lol

[Jonny The Savage]

hahaha I'm just used to it meaning edgy teenager, like pretending to be dark and all that nine yards.

[B]

lol
i went thru that
i just stopped talking for the entire time
its like are you kidding with this bullshit
being a teenager drama

[Jonny The Savage]

hahaha I think everyone does at some point.
Some people just never grow out of it.

[B]

lol
ehem
yup some people far far far away not me lol :P

[Jonny The Savage]

haha yeah, okay, edge queen :P

[B]

I havent grown past 18
and i am 31