How To Fit In

A "self-help" story on how to fit in with your peers.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines individual as a distinct entity. You, nor anyone you know, is an individual. Now, before you get upset, really think about it. Can you honestly say that anyone truly knows who you are? No secrets? No hidden hobbies or favorite TV shows? No guilty pleasures? If you said yes to any of those things, (and let's be honest we all know you did) you've hidden away what you think other people will mock you for. You've taken away what makes you... Well you. You hid the you real you to be more like that abercrombie and fitch or Victoria's Secret model. Don't feel bad, rather rejoice that you've successfully integrated into the human race.

But for those of you who are having a bit of trouble here's a guide to help you be more like the person to your left, or right depending on where you're sitting.

Rule #1: A Hidden Target is a Safe Target

Don't draw attention to yourself. You may like Lady Gaga, but we've all made fun of her at one point.  And unfortunately you're not rich and famous, so try not to be like her. Be boring. If you have nothing that makes you stand out you'll miss out on obnoxious nicknames like 'mustache,' 'fat a*s' or 'hot dog.' 

Take Trevor as an example. You don't know him, that's because Trevor didn't listen to these rules. Trevor  loved to eat, and the kids around him loved to make fun of him for it.  (Hint: his nickname wasn't mustache.) But Trevor kept at it, eating plate... after plate... after plate. 

If you're still wondering what his nickname was it was hot dog, after his favorite food. 

Rule #2: Cut All Ties to Possible Threats

Have a nerdy best friend? Cut him (or her) loose. If they're having trouble adjusting to society then let them go and have them learn the rules all on their own! Eventually they'll learn that the Star Wars tee that they've been rocking just isn't working for them. Everyone has to make sacrifices to blend in and if it's your friend that makes you stick out then cut them loose, it's in both of your interests to do so.

Me and Trevor used to be friends, staying up late to watch old scifi movies, playing board games, and role playing as our favorite heroes. But rule number 1 dictated we leave it all behind. 

Rule #3: Learn How to Blend In

Learn to love the things you hate and start hating the things you love. Hide any and all embarrassing interests that you may have and replace them with sports or Call of Duty or both. Or any interest that's considered normal as far as everyone else is concerned. This doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your favorite hobbies, just do so in private. 

Trevor talked about his hobbies to anyone that would listen. From dungeons and dragons to Klingon's from Star trek, he wouldn't shut up. So you know what happened? Rule #2.

Rule #4: It's Not Peer Pressure, It's Survival

At a party and they're passing around something? Better get ready to drink, smoke, or shoot up. Just remember, Those That Don't Use, Get Abused.

Rule #5 Play Follow The Leader

Do what everyone else is doing, never try to start a trend or be the leader. Keep in mind, it's not bullying if everyone else is doing it too. Then the "victim" becomes the outsider, the minority. And if you don't follow along then before you know it you'll become the new victim. So it's safer to just go along with the leader. And before some smartass brings up the age old question "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" Have some goddamn common sense, why the hell would you jump off of a bridge just because everyone else was doing it?  How does committing suicide get compared to following a trend at school? Unless that trend is committing suicide but... how likely is that? And I bet you can guess who didn't play Follow The Leader. That's right, Hotdog.

All year Trevor couldn't figure out these rules. So one day at gym class a few of the duller tools in the shed thought it would be funny to take his clothes out of the locker room and throw them away. I can only imagine what was going through his head as he walked through the locker room door, covering himself with paper towels. The gym teacher stood there aghast, not sure whether to laugh or to help. Trevor turned a bright red, looking from student to student for help. He came to rest on me. The kid that I'd grown up with, that we'd all grown up with, pleading for some kind of help with his eyes. I laughed and watched as whatever bit of childhood that had been left was stolen away from him. 

You have to follow the leader at all costs.

Finally he cast his eyes downwards, the teacher gave him a towel which Trevor wrapped around his bulging sides. Or at least tried to, the sides of the towels didn't quite meet. He walked out the door and into the hallway, the devilish choir of laughter echoing after him.

Trevor never showed up to school again.

Rule # 6 Break The Victim Cycle

Find that you've come across these rules too late? Then you have to break the victim cycle. We're going to take Trevor as an example one more time. As I said, he never showed up to school again. I was worried so I went to his house (in secret of course) and asked to see him. He came to the door, not quite happy to see me. Not that I blamed him of course. I tried giving him this packet (Rule #6 wasn't invented yet.) I explained to him that what happened to him could have been avoided if he just followed these rules like me. That we could be friends again if he started following these rules. But do you know what he did? He slammed the door in my face. 

The next year I saw him walking out of his new school, he's doing quite well now. No more Star Wars T, no DnD, and not a Klingon in sight. He was wearing an American Eagle sweatshirt, eating a salad, and talking about sports. I went up to talk to him. To congratulate him on joining the human race. After saying 'hi' he proceeded to insult me for the amusement of his peers. Saying that if he ever saw me again that him and his friends would kick my a*s. As they walked away I heard him say a few more unsavory things about me. And I can honestly say I've never been more proud in my life. 

Reviews

[Marie]

THis is really good stuff. You got your point across with sarcasm and irony, and it made for an interesting and clever story.

[Jon Samson]

Thanks! I enjoyed people's reaction to the ending, most thought it would end happy with the friend finding a place to fit in but I thought it was more powerful to show that the narrator was right all along.

[Marie]

I don't think you showed that the narrator was right, only that his own perception of life had been justified.

[Jon Samson]

Yeah I suppose that's true