Overcoming Hardship

My dreams were coming true! All these fantasies I had during the day! They were full of danger and imagination, and it was exciting to witness! Then I got sent to the mental hospital, but I got out

A Fantasy

Jonathan Taylor Failla

It was a May night in 1996, and he was at home in Connecticut. He drank a shake his mom made for him, and then he decided it had a drug in it. So, he wanted to escape from his parents, and with this in mind he drove away from my house, telling them he was going to CVS. He took his parents' car into Hartford, where he saw a young man walking and drove up to him, telling him his parents put a drug in his shake and asked him to drive him to his grandparents' house. The young man said he would and drove him there, where he dropped him off in his driveway. The young man said he would and drove him to his grandparents', where he dropped him off in the driveway. He went and rung the doorbell, and his grandfather answered, and he reported to him that he had Pagan parents.

When he got home, he was in great distress in the evening. He ran away and looked up to his parents' window outside, and his father yelled "No!" in consternation when he took off. It was nighttime, and he ran quickly down the street to Loomis, where he ran to a person's house and hid around the side of his house and sat under it (on the ground outside of the kitchen), where he stayed in a sitting position for about five minutes before going then to the student lounge, where he spent the night. His parents meanwhile had called the police, and in the morning was looking for him. So, the police cruiser soon pulled up, and there was a policeman and a policewoman whom he was talking with, and his parents soon came driving up in their beige Saab 900. He liked the demeanor of the police though it seemed like they did not realize the seriousness of his mental condition because they did not seem worried or distraught though maybe it was because they didn't care.

During the period of this sickness he headed down to that high school, having notions he was a genie so ran with his Sperry Top-Siders thinking he was gliding on air, and he thought one of his old teachers thought he was a genie, also, when the teacher passed by in his blue Ford Explorer, so he smiled and waved at the teacher in joy. At a track meet he thought he had telepathic powers there at the high school, and at one time was sitting Indian style on the grass as an ice cream truck passed, smiling at an old teacher, thinking this teacher could tell he was thinking of old time when he used to buy ice cream as a kid from a similar-looking truck (he thought the teacher could read his mind). Later during the meet, he would hold the rope around the field recklessly as if trying to intimidate someone. Also, on the campus as he walked along the walkway, he thought he could tell magically the composition of the maroon bricks, what the molecular structure of the material was.

At a different time, when he was in a certain hallway, a student emerged from the indoors doors of the breezeway. The student was not friendly, but had seen him around campus before. He went into the Loomis library and sat down, trying mentally to defeat the devil. One night also at Loomis on the grounds outside the main buildings he was going out for a job and in great consternation yelled, and a female student nearby with her friends saw him but remained silent.
In one incident that happened to him during his illness, he carried his cat Kit to the nearby library where there is a parking lot and put the cat over the fence where in back are railroad tracks.

His mom came later to retrieve the cat, which through his dream he was nevertheless relieved about. He journeyed to the close Washington Park in the early dawn hours, and on his way back home from this nearby place he wore his sister's sandals walking down a street, thinking he was an immortal figure, but they did not fit being too tight. He saw a man at his car, but this man seemed to take no notice of him. One night he ran away to these same train tracks where he dropped off his cat, but further down the line to the train station about a mile away. If he had been approached by a train then in that state of mind, he would almost have welcomed being hit; maybe, if the train had approached, he would have soon gotten rather scared and might have bailed. Yet he was lucky and no train came, and all he had seen there was a driver pull into the parking lot as if the driver was curious about him.

Soon circumstances went from bad to worse, and one misty afternoon in his mind he ran from his home to his grandparents' house, which took him two hours and ten minutes, and he stopped on the route to Hartford at Subway in Bloomfield and skipped strangely and willfully along some of the sidewalks trying to avoid any cracks. The night was spent that day at his grandparents' house; they nicely let him stay. He slept pretty well that night, so the next day went to the hospital having promised his grandparents the next day to go to the hospital to take a "drug test" to see if truly any drug was put in his shake by his parents. His grandparents smartly did not tell him it was for a mental evaluation there by psychiatrists, as he would have refused if they informed him of this bad intention on their part.

At the waiting room in the hospital, his grandmother, very calmly and keeping her cool the best she could, was working on a crossword puzzle in the “Hartford Courant.” He was taken into another room and was told he must give a blood sample for what he thought would be the only test (later the test results returned with evidence of no drugs in his system, which relieved him somewhat). Then, however, after the bloodtest, he took another test, which was administered by a portly woman, and she asked him a question about glass houses (which was a query designed to have no reason to it), and he responded trying to reason it out and put a meaning to it, a response that contained something that apparently did not seem sane to this tester.

So, there was a nurse there out in the hall outside his room with a kindly mien who was taking his side and trying to make the transition to the hospital for him without any major obstacles such as forced medication or any kind of harsh restraint or force used against him, and he wanted to talk to this nurse. So, Popee nicely told the nurse that I wanted to speak with her, and she came over. He asked her about the medication the staff could put him on, and in response she said they could not force him to take any medication. (When I went to the hospital recently, though, they made me take Benedryl. Also, they forced at the hospital me another criminal medication Thorazine, which is demented to put an inflammatory medication with an outdated, ineffective sedative! I did feel hurt.)

Nevertheless, he was very frightened and wanted to escape from the hospital fearing the future. Mamaw was near him in the room, and he told her implicitly his intention of leaving the hospital and soon carried out this plan by running out of the room and out of the front doors of the hospital waiting room, while a man's voice behind me yelled for me to stop, and he was frightened by this. He wanted to run somewhere for safety, and, although he ran into a man's backyard with this in mind in order to hide in his garage, the rather elderly gentleman suggested to him to keep running, so he took his advice.

Behind him was a young man running for him from the hospital, but his coming after me was no match for my legs even though he was only wearing some Eastlands, and anyway he kicked these shoes off when running faster. Yet eventually he got caught, and this capture was made by the following means. A nondescript van came up to him, and the back doors opened revealing some young Rastafarian men who asked him if I wanted a ride, and, thinking this was a means of escape, he said "Yes," but when he went into the back, the young man from the hospital who had chased him down the street was there and soon took him to an official hospital van. When he was back at the hospital, he no longer had the desire to escape from there at the time. So, the nurses and the men of the hospital staff put him on a stretcher, which one could wheel around and which had restraints on it. In the hospital he was led (upon arrival on the Eighth Floor) into the sole solitary confinement room. This day was May 20, and he would stay two weeks at the hospital.

There was an "exercise" class, but the exercises were very simple though he was lucky enough to escape his floor because of his desire to have some good exercising done in the hospital mostly below in the lower floors, where there was a gym, where a girl and him discussed briefly some tennis scores at the recent US Open and where he got to lift some weights. There was only one exercise machine in the floor, which was ironically located near the smoker's room as if the two were interrelated and, furthermore, the machine was not very good for exercise there at the hospital, which could have been expected with all that he had been through mentally; he tried doing pushups and sit ups in his hospital room, but the main thing was that he was safe and sound in the hospital.

There was like the command center of the Eighth Floor of the hospital (in front of the oppressive dining area), which consisted of a giant front desk and computers and printers and which was where the psychiatrists would gather, and it seemed quite imposing to him because it was for all the "normal" world and the "normal" people (where they would be) though he derived some strength from this knowledge.

During his two-week visit, each day it seemed he would have some sort of group therapy, and he talked about losses, problems, and depressions (these were under discussion there). His dutiful parents came to visit often during visitors' hours (5:30- 6 P.M.), which was a great comfort to him, and his grandparents visited him once. His family was very reassuring, and they made me feel comfortable and gave him hope. Also, he did some writing in the hospital, thinking there was a lot to take in, expressing myself in my personal journal.

Once out of the hospital, he was readmitted on June 20, but he eventually was discharged again July 4, the hardest part of this stay at the end, where time was passing slowly the day before getting discharged. When he returned to his home at this point in his life he was forced to take Risperdal for every day (yuck!), which caused him many problems, including waking up many times at night. Also, being exhausted physically was a problem as, when trying to take up tennis again having been an avid tennis player, he soon found he was easily exhausted after every point had ended.

Not only did he feel exhausted but physically sick after one such tennis outing, and, at these times of suffering, he wished he could relax with a book if his eyes would only stay open long enough. Some incidents brought his life back into a degree of "normalcy," and he went to the Enfield Mall to buy games for his computer (he bought Overlord and Doom II at this store). Yet still even when he tried to run, only seven minutes of slow running totally exhausted him, and he was always feeling tired.

He felt that if his medication would be dropped to a lower dosage, the side effects of the medication might decline (effects like mouth salivation and tiredness). Another side effect of the Risperdal were the pounding headaches he would get, and once he even had to vomit because of this. So, these side effects were debilitating, but eventually they lessened some.

However, his health was improving after getting through an operation (despite his malfunctionings), and he rapidly took up playing the trumpet and the 5K racing, which are things he had not even been able to do before! Currently, he is involved in reading many exciting subjects in physics, mathematics, biology, and chemistry. I love to run in 5K races and playing the trumpet (I have a new record out at Anghami.com called Amazing Etudes that came out in January of 2024). Also, I have several good photographss on Flickr along with others that compliment these ones. I hope for many good things to come! Who knows what the future stores of the intense excitement of a real dream that comes true, but I will certainly let you know!

Dedicated to my family members and Andrea (Andrea is seven, and an older Andrea is twenty-eight!),

6/10/13!

Tuesday, October 31 1995

It's Halloween baby! I saw an amazing film called Halloween III. Actually, it was very bad, and I picked it out. I had fun anyway. After the film I played Mortal Kombat III and had a string of about ten wins before I lost. Bruce's girlfriend was there, and so was Jo Angelo. Some trick-or-treaters did come by the house, and they were dressed as clowns of hulks or something. I ate some candy at Bruce's house. All I think that I ate today was cereal, candy, and some microwave cordon-bleu chicken at Bruce's house. While playing Mortal Kombat III, I was very engrossed. I kept saying "Yes!" and "I love that move" and "Stay right there, so I can mess you up."

I kept winning and raising my hand in victory after every match. I played with Sonja a lot, and Jo's only excuse was, "Why don't you pick another guy?"- or in this case a girl character. I said, "This guy works fine." Jo also said, "I'm gonna whoop you" to me. When I beat him, I said, "What was that, Jo?"

Friday, November 10 1995

I purchased a CD that has on it Haydn's Cello Trumpet Concerto, Cello Concerto, and Horn Concerto on it, and the reason I got it is because I played this Trumpet Concerto last summer for the retirement home in New York. Today I ran well to the Kennedy Elementary School and back home though I got very nervous. The run lasted for about thirty-five minutes; it is very cold today and has been for the entire week. I feel better now. Liz just came home, and my mom should be home any minute. I am listening to the Haydn Cello Concerto now. I just got up from a rest. Bye. Oh, by the way, I am reading The Stories of John Cheever.

Sunday, November 11 1995

Mom, dad, and I went to see The Empire Brass Quintet and The Hartford Symphony Orchestra at The Bushnell in Hartford. The Empire Brass Quintet is the best brass group in North America, and they were wonderful tonight. All I can say is that the trumpet player in the quintet is superhuman.

The Bushnell is a lovely place with tradition and substance. We sat in balcony seats, which were great seats. We had a great night of music. I wore my Polo sportcoat with gold buttons, my blue Tommy Hilfiger button-down, my new Gap tie, my blue Nautica pants, and my bucks. I looked stunning! While watching the concert, I thought that a secret admirer was watching me from behind me.

The show ran from 8:00-10 P.M., and the intermission was at 9:00 P.M. Overall, I had a wonderful time, and I felt great after the show. My dad wore his gray tweed sports jacket, tie, khaki pants, and Rockport top-siders. My mom wore a nice colorful colorful Liz Claiborne sweater, blue pants, and tennis shoes. She looked well, and we took the Saab. I enjoyed having an evening with my parents very much.

Monday, November 13 1995

On the 12^th there was a big storm that knocked our power out at home, and the high winds cut off power to about 100,000 residents of Connecticut for the day. My family, of course, drove to Hartford, where there was power. We stayed overnight. I stayed in a comfortable be on the second floor. The room contained a wooden mirror and the shelves of the red, green, blue, and white bound photo albums. My sister and mother slept in the third-floor bedroom. This room looks like it came out of the 1960’s era. There were pink and brown pillows on the turquoise green sofa.

As soon as I returned to my newly powered home, I walked over to the Windsor Public Library. I took out two movies called Driving Miss Daisy, starring Morgan Freeman, and Patriot Games, starring Harrison Ford. I just finished Patriot Games about an hour ago. I am glad to be home. I slept OK last night, but it was sort of cold even with three blankets. I awoke when my mother and sister were leaving the house. Popee and I got to look through genealogy, play ping-pong, and watch Bill Clinton veto a debt-ceiling bill. We talked a bit about stocks, namely, Netscape (an Internet stock that skyrocketed), GT Bicycles, and Oakley Sunglasses. Popee just does not invest much in stocks anymore. Actually he has shares of a few stocks. I think that he has shares of Intel, a steel company, and some other stocks.

I may plot some new-issue stocks shown in The Wall Street Journal that I have an interest in. Oakley and GT were new issues I saw in the journal that I suggested Popee buy. I owned some Oakley sunglasses and a GT bike, and I had a hunch about both of them. Right now Oakley is doing much better than GT Bicycles?! I did own a stock once. A couple years ago, I bought one hundred shares of European Warrant Fund on The New York Stock Exchange, and Popee told his broker, Gene Fitini, Vice President of a local savings bank, that he wanted to buy one hundred shares of stock for eight dollars each. The transaction occurred, but the stock did not move for about a month. So I sold it. In the next three months the stock rose to 13 ½, an all-time high. A random comment: I am anxious to see the new James Bond movie Goldeneye.

Today Popee and I got some needed exercise by playing four well-played games of ping-pong though I did not dive for the balls like I did the night before, and my forehand smash was on today. Last night, it was a tragedy that the 49ers beat the Cowboys. Also the Patriots beat the Dolphins. With Popee, I saw part of both games on TV. It started snowing at about 2:00 P.M. today, and my grandparents decided to bring me home safely. Another storm is supposed to threaten us tonight, but it doesn’t have the damaging storms as the last storm.

Thursday, November 16 1995

I loved playing Miles Davis and improvising on my trumpet voraciously for an hour tonight. I just thought of writing Susan Cheever a consoling, nice letter about her father.

Friday, November 17 1995

I finished Home Before Dark last night, and there are some parallels in this book and what I saw in New York. Namely, I remember Sleepy Hollow strip in Scarborough, named after the novel. There was a Grand Union near The Masters School in Dobbs Ferry, and the other time I went with three RA’s shopping. It’s just like a regular grocery store, but I had never heard of a Grand Union before in Connecticut. The Cheevers had a house in Ossining, NY, where I have never heard of. I do remember White Plains Mall, where the stuff was very expensive though. We visited Skidmore College in Saratoga Springs, NY. I remember seeing the racetrack and the big Victorian houses in Saratoga Springs by Skidmore College. Also, when reading this book, I was reminded of the frequent walks up to the Heublein Tower in the Avon mountains with Popee.

I remember the long hikes we had in the autumn, and the exhilaration of finally reaching the top to the tower and other structures. There were many hang-gliders up in those mountains. I was fearless then and would walk right to the edge of the mountain, looking far below at the small cars and a miniature pond in front of a small red barn that was on a little farm. I am reading The Stories of John Cheever and a new Carl Sagan book entitled Pale Blue Dot. Yesterday I saw a strange movie called The Vanishing. Also I drove from Windsor to East Windsor to Enfield in the Saab with mom last night. I am going to go running now to get some “fresh air.” Bye!

Saturday, November 18 1995

I really feel bad right now. I have been waiting to write this. I feel like I am dead; I have no energy. I do not feel like myself, and I am writing in a fog. Maybe I’m just bored. It’s 9:57 A.M. It is good that I drove to and from Mamaw’s today by myself without any mishaps. We came back from the mall, where Liz took a long time picking stuff out at The Gap. Today I went around with mom and Liz. I went to Popee’s today, and we played six games of ping-pong; I won all of them. Who cares, though, about winning?

I just saw Mad Love starring Drew Barrymore. Good movie, but I don’t want to get into details. I am definite someone, I have a kind soul somewhere. I recognize it now. I did not see it when I began to write this piece. I caught a glimpse of my true nature, however, fleeting it may have been. A beacon, a reminder. I will stop writing about this now. I must persevere and be humble. I hope for myself. I love myself. My real self, not my facades, but my true deep, rich, caring soul. I may need to get in touch with my sacred side (like with Dungeons and Dragons Dungeon Master I may be). Well, now I am content to stop writing, for I guess it has proven its cathartic function. OK, well, I will see me later, I guess. Bye.

Sunday, November 19 1995

Liz, mom, and I walked in The Gap. Like always, Liz takes over an hour in The Gap. I suggested to mom that she be a saleswoman there since she is always shopping in The Gap. Liz got some cool shoes and gray corduroy pants. I went to the music store nearby and got a Roy Hargrove CD that I am not very happy about. So far, the CD is slow and without any energy; I will probably bring it back. It is 4:49 P.M., and the sun has already set. I cannot think of anything else to say, but if I did have something to say, I would say it. Sure, bye bye.

Saturday, November 20 1995

My college meeting went well, and I will take courses at Trinity College in the spring- I am more excited about the college process after the meeting.

Friday, December 15 1995

Today I got yelled at by Louie, the driving instructor. My checks for Global and the DMV were not signed by my mom; I'll bring the checks to Louie tomorrow morning. My shins still hurt, and I have not been able to run. Today the atmosphere outside, kind of a post-storm air, I guess, was strange. Snow and brown slush covered the streets and sidewalks, and I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for me.

My parents have about $120,000 dollars in their equities fund, and want them to give me one thousand dollars to invest in stocks. I would make a portfolio of about ten stocks or so and see how I do. Right now I want to get some Doom II WAD files from the Internet, but my sister is on the phone. I played some Louis Armstrong jazz songs with my trumpet. I only practice about a half hour, though. I also listened to a Phish tape called A Picture of Nectar. My Bach 1 1/2-size mouthpiece is working out well.

Sunday, February 11 1996

If my day was any better, it would be a sin. Anyway, we went to visit Ma-

maw and Popee and just hung out. Mamaw is doing well, I think. Popee is also

looking well, and we played a few fun and good games of ping-pong. He played

well, and I have admired him greatly for how great a person he is. Popee said that

I looked “natural” in The Masters School picture that I brought over for them to

see. I enjoyed my time there; if it was any better, it would be a sin. I am listening

to my Wynton Marsalis CD, and I plan on resting tonight by reading and watching

a TV movie. Anyway, I accomplished a good twenty-minute run today.

I felt great running and, actually, my shins are feeling great now. I will still

take it easy for a while as far as my running is concerned, but I will still do

pushups and sit ups to keep myself in good shape. In the meantime, I am enjoying

my short runs. I have divided My Life into three sections: the dream log, the life-

history log, and the daily log, which is the present document. I am going to go

downstairs to read- I just wanted to let you know before I fall asleep.

Monday, February 12 1996

What’s up? How are you doing? I was reading Remembrance of Things

Past this morning in which the young man has some new friends, consisting both

of the nobility and the “ill-bred” of the middle class. So far, I am enjoying the rela-

tionship that he has been building with a young man of nobility who wears a white

coat and a monocle and who walks erect. It’s a clear day today, and I might run for

a bit. My shins are doing better. I mailed a Mystic Photograph package with the

ﬁlm, which will probably take a few days to develop and which has pictures that I

took at night of trees, stars, and the moon. Since I am getting very bored with my-

self, I might go over to the library to look at some books and to maybe pick out a

movie if I see one waiting for me. Bye.

Tuesday, February 13 1996

I saw an awesome movie today and yesterday. Yesterday, I drove to Block-

buster Video and took out Nine Months, starring Hugh Grant, and I watched it

twice. Remembrance of Things Past is keeping up a good pace of action. The

young man has his attention caught by some girls, who passed him by, and he

wants to ﬁnd out about the one who winked at him on her bicycle. Someone tells

him that she is Mlle. Simonet, and he is determined to meet her with Saint-Loup’s

help. The world of these girls is an unknown mystery to the young man, and he

wants to ﬁnd out more about it than just the sidelong glance of Mlle. Simonet.

I am actually almost ﬁnished with this huge book, for I am on Page 869.

There are two other volumes containing just as many pages as this one, so I will be

busy reading in the coming months. I better return them to the library tomorrow,

though, when they are due.

Later, I will read and go to the Enﬁeld Mall with mom. The Joy Luck Club is a good

movie that we own- dad brought it home from Loomis today. I think that I am

regaining or gaining psychological strength by the way that I feel. This is random

but, but I think that the Arban’s trumpet book should be in the Windsor Music

Store by now. Maybe I will pick it up tomorrow.

While reading Remembrance of Things Past, I noticed a passage that I liked the

idea of. The young man was thinking why he should speak politely to workers,

whom he regards as equals, like uncles and cousins. I, like the young man, think

that we shouldn’t treat a poor worker with disrespect as an inferior. I would rather

like to treat everyone as equals and not to treat working people with disrespect that

makes them inferior. I admit that working people were brought up in a different

culture, like my dad was brought up in a different culture. I think that his culture

in Italy placed more emphasis on making sure that the child did what the parent

approved of.

I don’t think that he means ill will towards me, but I might just as well hope

that he does not. My dad is a person who is in so much pain from events in the

past. When I ask him for things, he just does not want me to worry about him. He

is not trying to control me, but he is trying to console me. Or maybe he is trying to

console himself about how he thinks that I am doing. You can see a goodwill be-

neath what sometimes appears to me as a controlling and nervous exterior. It is

hard to show. I think that I will appreciate him more when I am off at college, and

I hope that his psychological makeup is as simple as I just described it before.

Mom is a great soul, and I am so positive of her goodness that if there was a

goodness meter made, it would be that she would come out tops on the scale of

goodness. I wish to depart by saying that if I was any better, it would be a sin. Ac-

tually, I am off to practice my trumpet. I feel like a pretty sweet guy tonight. I am

just in that mood I guess.

Wednesday, February 14 1996

It’s already 4:06 P.M. The day has ﬂown by pretty fast for me, and I think

that I looked around enough not to miss it. I have been reading Remembrance of

Things Past, and now the young man is in the studio of Elstir the painter, and he

has been admiring Elstir’s paintings of beautiful women and of the nearby sea.

Mlle. Simonet comes by on her bike at the last moment and greets her friend Elstir,

and she goes off before the young man gets a chance to greet her. He wishes that

he had had the chance to meet her; now he has a connection to her. The noble

Saint-Loup is leaving the Grande Hotel, and the grandmother gave him some

signed postcards signed by his favorite philosopher for being so kind to her grand-

son. Anyway, the young man’s life is getting more interesting now that he has ac-

tually seen Mlle. Simonet up close and that he knows more about her.

Elstir knows her, and he told the young man that she comes from a very

wealthy or middle-class family- I did not get that part- involved in industry. She or

one of her friends lives in the town of Balbec on a street nearby Elstir’s studio.

Since Mlle. Simonet (Simonet is spelled with only one n: the family holds its name

in high esteem, and you should spell it right) is close by, he can visit her whenever

he wants if she likes him.

I should return that book today. Both volumes of Remembrance of Things

Past are one day late, and I will call to make sure that they are renewed. I am to-

tally over the sickness that has plagued me for the last few days. I am listening

to the Carmina Burana CD, which I really enjoy. Mom is back! How is she doing?

I’ll go ask. Her shoes were kind of slippery.

Thursday, February 15 1996

I am ﬁnishing the rest of the ﬁrst volume of Remembrance of Things Past, which

means that I am not over Page One Thousand. The young man has fallen in love with

Albertine, but when he tries to kiss her (as he is invited up to her room), she resists,

telling him to stop. Now he is trying to shift his passion to another member of the

“little band,” such as Andrée or Rosemond; this is easier said than done because of

the closeness of the band. It’s funny that his grandmother is no longer in the picture,

and the hotel has fallen by the wayside in his interest as well. The young man always

hangs out with girls on the beach. Before he was contemplating what it would be like

to know the girls, and now that he knows them he is currently thinking about which

of them attracts him most.

He is in the process of deciding which girl he wants as a romantic partner;

meanwhile, he does not know if one of them will accept him as a lover, so he must

feel some hesitation. I think that he will ﬁnd one of them, and he sure is doing a

good job of trying to secure a hand in romance. The storyline is great. I do not

mean to speculate, but I think that the next volume will begin in Balbec, where this

volume left off, with him searching for a love in his ripe teenage years. I do not

think that he will return to Combray because he wants to start a new life and love

away from his childhood sorrows of being away from his mother and because of

memories of Gilberte. He needs the separation from them, but I will update you on

the happenings in the book later. I renewed both volumes yesterday, when I called

the library to renew them.

It is deﬁnitely a beautiful day. The sun is shedding life-giving rays and mak-

ing everything warm, the snow is melting, the sky is a baby blue, and a train is just

now passing (as I can see through my window) in the backyard. While I was run-

ning today for ﬁfteen minutes, the rays energized me to run fast like I was a con-

ductor of electricity. I am ofﬁcially on leave from the house now. Just kidding-

I am now back from a walk to the Windsor Post Ofﬁce, where I encountered some fellow human beings.

I am enjoying this Best of Mozart CD, which is playing Rondo Allegro from

Concerto for two pianos and orchestra in E-Flat. I think that I like Beethoven and

Mozart equally well. I like certain pieces by each composer better than I like other

compositions by the same people. Sleep is more comforting than before partly be-

cause of the better dreams. As my nervous debility lessens, then my insomnia

lessens also. Like the young man in Remembrance of Things Past, I encounter

mood swings in which I can be cool for one minute and then totally out of it at oth-

er times. I think that this day has proven itself in beauty. These are some things

that I should do: get a dream journal, practice the trumpet, work on the Life-Histo-

ry Log, and start the second volume of Remembrance of Things Past. If I do not

get these things done today, a meteor might strike down from the sky to fulﬁll an

ancient, evil prophecy in which I am pummeled. A new tape is playing called Mas-

ter of Classical Music, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Overture No.4: Rejouissance is

the cool song playing.

Bach is more feminine than Mozart is. Sometimes I can think so much that I do not

write about anything. I am still at a rut, or a slump if you will, in my life at this time.

Although life is good, I still desire something more to write in my journal about. The

sky is darkening because the late afternoon is approaching, and at the horizon the sky

is pinkish. I like the sound of a ﬂute because it is enchanting and is somehow in touch

with nature. A Druidic countenance giving honor to the bushes, trees, ﬂowers, and all

living things in the life of nature. Through the power of the ﬂute all men can gain strength and, in this way, become more in touch with themselves. The underlying force which binds all of life together- it is the thin thread by which our life proceeds that the simplicity of the notes and the tone of the harpsichord signiﬁes. It hits just the right combination of notes to produce a harmonious assessment of all our expressions and natures.

After the harpsichord comes the power of the violin and the viola, and these

instruments ﬁll one in of the power of nature, the force of everything to overcome

obstacles, and the power to create houses and bridges. An almost archetypal sig-

niﬁcance is given to these various instruments in which, if one listens carefully

enough, one can discover the very faint yet rhythmic pulsation of the heartbeat of

life. When the orchestra joins in, it is like a cacophonous gathering of souls bear-

ing their pain and sorrow in one great mass vote of voices for their own existence.

The organ contemplates. Its dark rhythms feel analogous to the great conﬂict be-

tween good and evil forces in the night and days of our everyday life.

We must be able to resist the temptations that people set up for themselves in

order for them to escape from reality. Yet the organ burns with a passion- it longs

to escape from that vacuous chamber in which its primary elements of life are kept

and encased like an old vampire, in a gray Transylvanian castle, who cannot seem to

escape from his dark past and who is conﬁned in the castle for the rest of his days

alone. How large these castles are, yet how small must the soul be of the person who

has so much yet has so little. The organ thinks out ways to become whole, yet it is only at certain

harmonious moments that the glory of the organ can be seen. Perhaps it is on a ﬁne, spring day

inside of a white castle with the wind blowing outside and rufﬂing the branches

of a brown tree, where two squirrels are playing among its branches while one sits

in quiet contemplation of the nature of this life in which one is incased, does the

organ bring you some positive thoughts as a genius has some rare moments of true

insight. Just as words come together to form a whole idea- and more rarely do

ideas form to make a real idea- do thoughts rarely form in people that would prove

their own worth and make them realize the gravity of their own life.

The organ is pure madness, spewing forth notes with no sense of where they

might end up out in the atmosphere. And yet sometimes a right combination of

notes is fallen upon, when all the notes fall together in a chord that sounds almost

virtuous. There is an incessant groan emanating from the organ that is hard to re-

place, and it is as if Frankenstein himself were talking in a low and dangerous

voice, talking of all of those unknown spirits, ghosts, and cobwebs of the imagina-

tion that have so enraptured the minds of every human being. Do its tones also

signify the sadness which some of the mentally-ill feel, when their consciousness

has been broken and swept out from under them to leave them swimming in a sea

ﬁlled with water with no dry land in sight?

Then the brass is regal in the way that its notes ﬂow through the air as if

lofted up by a banner: at once, the trumpets are solemn and happy as if in a mo-

ment of contemplation one falls upon a thought that lifts all of one’s being and

makes one more alert of one’s surroundings. The trumpet is a reminder of all of

the ﬁner things in one’s life that one could be doing now besides lingering in one’s

house, such as doing the laundry or making up some excuse for not going to a par-

ty. Although the trumpet reminds you of the past, it also keeps one in the present,

and one become aware of possibilities for the future. The trumpets keep one from

crying on a bad night in which a friend has left one or when one has been sorely

disappointed by the way in which humans behave towards one. They remind one

of all the times in the past in which one has been victorious and of the heroic beau-

ty contained in those moments that keeps one living in the present time. I am eat-

ing a roast-beef sandwich.

The point here that I am trying to make here is that I am beginning to appre-

ciate classical music much more; its essence is so pure like the essence of a note.

And yet purity is always so chaotic. Just as there are many different oscillations to

a note, there are many different chaotic elements going on in a symphony. Of

course, we can’t hear them, but they are there creating more chaos and eventually

reaching such a chaotic state that it is almost inﬁnitely chaotic if not for that little

thread that keeps everything in place and makes the sonata so beautiful. Life is such.

It is a link which keeps humanity in place and even allows it to grow in its most valuable attribute, consciousness, which is ﬁlled with an almost inﬁnite amount of chaos although the distance from chaos, however minute, is still present.

People who are narcissistic tend to think of themselves as virtuous. If they

think this for a long enough time, they might actually get burned by a bit of chaos,

and the thread that binds them to this world is frayed although never totally broken

(it is against all nature that we may ever discover this chaos, but scientists know

that this underlying chaos exists). In Buddhism the saying goes that at the center there is nothing: the deeper we go into the levels of reality through subatomic physics the more we ﬁnd that there are mostly open spaces in what we thought was solid matter. There are only those lone atoms spaced at a distance from each other that give an object its solidity, and even in the atom itself there are empty spaces with still smaller elements of matter. It only gets smaller and more chaotic towards that ineffable, eternal thing that will be impossible for humans to discover.

In the scale of the chaos of things it is only natural that we might know

nothing at all about ourselves or about the world in general. What did Albert Ein-

stein know? He knew that there was an underlying nature in which the events of

the present could be described. Yet even his theory of relativity cannot account for

the even more complex laws of nature not yet discovered- as if a digger in the earth

comes upon successive layers of sediment and rock, discovering the underlying

soil of each other layer. We are all constantly uncovering. This is a basic human de-

sire- to know the unknown. What we do not know enthralls us, and who has not

been enraptured by digging in the backyard to ﬁnd something ancient that can tell

us about ourselves and that part of us of which we not know much about?

The depths of the mind have many layers that can be discovered as we grow,

and each layer reveals something more to us. But how to explain it to everyone

else? There are so many languages, and yet not a single language for the shovelings

of the mind. We are separated by language barriers. We are also separated

by our ignorance. If we were not all so ignorant, then maybe we could discover

the beauty of nature for ourselves instead of wasting our lives by riding on every

carousel in the amusement park or going for every cheap thrill. We must discover the

passion that burned in us from the beginning of all time of pure discovery of things,

ideas, the forces- or souls, and people. Instead of being sucked in by the all-consuming voice and the temptations that our modern world tells us, we must not listen to it, and we must struggle for our own human rights and for a meaning in life to keep us acting heroically and passionately to each other and to ourselves.

Otherwise, we must face the consequences that we already see in the forms

of intoxicating drugs, the temptation of joining a gang, and the lure of the streets.

Sometimes living is the greatest challenge of them all because one must ﬁght with

Discipline against the intelligence and sentience that the other souls display but

that one does not inherently agree with, and one must ﬁght against it. Few people

will care for one in one’s life, and one, ﬁrst and foremost, must be able to care for

oneself and one’s dignity. Dignity is an important value, and one must never let outside factors hurt it. Without dignity, we fall into a trap of sluggish entropy, which brings us downward into our own personal chaos. A vicious cycle develops, and eventually we must seek an outlet that most likely will be through drugs or gangs.

Parents should help prevent their sons from becoming involved in drugs.

Instead there is an underlying thread to life that we all become more aware of as

each day passes in this world of nature. As each snowﬂake falls and is replaced by

a new ﬂake, we look inside ourselves and see our connection to the things of the

world which we, by the way, take too often for granted. What is the point of life,

after all, if we cannot recognize the worth and beauty in it? I want to practice my

Mozart duet on my trumpet now. I hope that you enjoyed my good thoughts. I

need to bring the Nine Months video back about now.

11:36 P.M.- What’s up? Not much. I have been called selﬁsh and greedy,

but am I really these things is the question. I’ll take it up tomorrow in a discussion

because I am a little tired now and it’s late. By the way, I ﬁnished Volume I of Re-

membrance of Things Past- starting Volume II tomorrow. Good night, world.

January 10, 2023

Hi, how are you dear reader? I am doing awesome kind of, but on the other hand not so. I am just got home from a walk a short walk, and I am at home in my room trying to get my mind sharp by writing here. I walked very short, but it was really hard- my body was really heavy, like I mean my legs felt like they were really heavy, and I felt good but like it was an effort to keep my legs moving. Anghami changed my album to Arutunian Album. I would like to put some photos on Flickr while mom is not here, and she will be here in about an hour.

I am very tired now. Right now is 10:12 A.M. I just put on an Old Navy sweater because I was cold, and I am writing here Tuesday, January 10. I signed up just now for an account. I have not read yet today, and I want to walk more later. My arms are strong. I had a red apple just now, which was delicious. I had a dream last night, and I wrote it down. I can write if you want the dream later. The dream? The dream was OK, I think.

They are really nice at Anghami to set up my album. I am wearing my nice Goodfellow khaki pants now that have a navy-blue drawstring with golden metal tassels and a navy-blue band around the waist, and they are a perfect baggy fit and are a fresh-looking shade of khaki. I wonder what to do now, dear reader. I need a book to start today. I am reading that Douglas Natelson book on nanotechnology now and have a little to go, and I will check on StoryBird to see if my physics abstract is approved for publication. Right now is January 10, 2023. I am doing awesome if I can get my photos unto Flickr. Right now is 10:36 A.M., and I am tired, dear reader. Bye bye, awesome radical cat!

March 14, 2023

Hi, dear reader, how are you doing? I am doing OK, and I hope that today goes OK! I am writing at 3:35 P.M. on a Tuesday in March when it is extremely beautiful out. Guess what, dear reader? I rescued four earthworms today, and I put them in front of the tree that is from the front yard, and I put some mud next to them so they will be comforted and so that they will remember little old me. I am really tired right now. I slept till about 3 A.M.

I am exhausted now, dear reader, and I can be thrilled to be on the right track now. I am doing good, and I walked just now! I guess I could start my best schedule tomorrow, as I am doing my highest performance at all my cool achievements, including lifting, trumpet playing, running maybe (I showed great courage recently with not being afraid to run over mudpiles and to jump over a big three-foot wide ravine).

I am so tired right now, but I feel awesome. I am wearing some maroon Goodfellow pants and a navy-blue J. Crew sweater, and I am also wearing a Switch green T-shirt with a pink lion on it. I am doing good today, and I cannot wait to do my schedule. I hope to get some good movies to watch soon. I hope to read today a lot, and I could do a lot! My dad is making some pasta.

I am exhausted! I have been on the computer 38 minutes, and I feel so depressed. My female... and I cannot find words to describe her comeliness and inimitability of beauty and aesthetic wonder... is protecting me- she is so the best and brave! I feel like a million bucks, and I cannot wait to make her proud with my schedule tomorrow. We had our pasta, and it was so delicious. It is 4:19 P.M. I am really psyched right now to do my thing, and the sky’s the limit! I cannot wait for life.

Thursday, April 13 2023

Hi, dear reader, today I ran a 1:30 400 meters, and I had not run for about two or three months! I cannot believe this! I was given a free meal by a young lady in Geissler’s. I yesterday worked at French some with some Rimbaud poems. Then today I read a poem by Holderlin, really short about a paragraph. Two days ago I read Italian (Salvatore Quasimodo Tutti Poesie) for about an hour and a half! Two days ago also I translated Spanish (Federico Lorca’s Collected Poems) for an hour and 35 minutes and yesterday for about the same. Therefore, both languages are solid. The French and German need training so that I can sleep OK tonight, and I need to review badly Latin and Greek. I worked at my Russian three days ago, and I did OK with that with vocabulary and paradigms. I practiced my trumpet last night for 40 minutes, working at my Oboe book and on Handel sonatas etc. I have my album on Bandcamp, which has been compared with the BBC Prize Winner Maya Youssef and the soulful bass clarinetist Joanna Nicholson from the Royal College of Music (the Royal College is a distinguished college).

I am doing good now. I am exhausted, dear reader. Today is 1:42 P.M. At Geissler’s today I got some delicious mashed potatoes and gravy with turkey at the hot bar, and the nice maiden there let me have my meal for free, saying it was only 12 dollars. Yesterday I ran from my home to Windsor Center and ran fast to the magnolia tree.

Today I did a 1:30 400, which is very good. Dear reader, I am now on track for a 1:19, 1:24, or 1:29 400 for next, which can be in the near future. Today I have not run yet, but I did do two laps in the neighborhood, and it took an hour, and I lifted for about an hour while walking. I must guard my nighttime dreams with my caring female, showing up then tonight. Dear reader, guess what? Yesterday I went to Loomis Chaffee; I ran to Loomis from my house on Eastview Drive.

The campus welcomed me with open arms, and the pond looked so healthy and glowing, and the water was not representing the black liquid that had come to be threatening in my dreams. I am proud of my female, and I am 46 years old. The kids on campus were all nice, and on the way out one girl looked disappointed and had a sad face like I did. I wanted to use their library, but the place looked too forbidding. I am tired out!

I was reading a poem from Holderlin earlier, and I would like to read from him this afternoon, and I hope other German stuff would be equally interesting. I saw some Greek from some fragments of Heraclitus today. I am tired. I saw a beautiful and kind young lady at the faucet yesterday. Also, at the Windsor Art Exhibit I saw a really nice girl, and we kept smiling merrily at each other. She had black hair and was so nice and so were the other girls in the Montessori class visiting. Mom brought me to the Windsor Library today! I am so thrilled! I saw the most beautiful young lady today at Geissler’s, and her eyes were worlds of excitement that were ringing, and she was really caring like I am caring. She wore Converse sneakers, and she was kind to let me take the meal without even an IOU. She was really nice to me for some reason, and I was not even like outstanding to her. I felt guilty at first, and she was nice, but I feel like I should do something and call Geissler’s this afternoon. I should have paid her back, but I will pay her back this afternoon by running to Geissler’s. I will now check to see my album on Deezer, my Etudes of the Imagination, to see if it is an American company (it is a French company), and I will check to see if 3 hours on average of sleep is enough for the past 6 years.

Friday, April 14 2023

I am doing good now, dear reader. I am writing here at 4:20 P.M., and I just got home from the Windsor Library. I was there from about 11 A.M.- 4:20 P.M. I was able to complete "Muri, Star Knight" and the philosophy work, which I am having trouble titling. I am here at the kitchen table in my house, and I am thrilled to be here! I just finished talking to Liz!

Liz is still Vice President of her company, and Lila is taking piano lessons and is doing gymnastics. I found out also today at the Windsor Library about the companies Deezer and SoundCloud. Deezer is a French company. I was able to get my Memorex CD case from the librarian yesterday. I am tired; I am exhausted now, dear reader.

January 15, 2024

4:54 P.M. Hi, dear reader! How are you doing? I ran two laps today... no, four laps, and I for the final two did so awesomely. She is with me tonight. She made me run good the final two laps, and she ran so good! She had her race form, and she did not let me down, and I had some starts and stops the final 400. I exercised from 4:15 A.M.-4:15 P.M. about (an equinox), and I lifted more than nine hours straight! Then I got out to get some grapefruit juice at Price Chopper, and I just drank some; it tastes good! I am with mom in the kitchen. I did not read today, but no actually I did! I read some from the "Star Trek" and then the Star Wars science magazines at Price Chopper! I was reminded of “Star Trek” episodes when they would teleport on holodeck to a planet and would see souls on the new planet.

Also, for the Star Wars I saw the outer space spaceships and the actors and the actresses, who were the actors of the story… I mean like if it was a book, the people in the book! I loved the "Star Trek" Voyager spacecraft in the magazine and the Millenium Falcon. I slept last night until about 4:15 A.M., and I went to get two pieces of pizza (pepperoni I got and a good peppers) and a delicious- and I mean delicious (it was perfect!)- Cherry Coke (which, by the way, has no bad ingredients at all along with the Original Coke!). I had thought the Cherry Coke would maybe have like an extract or a bad ingredient, but it stayed strong. I am tired, and today is a Monday, and Friday is my birthday!

I slept two nights ago OK, and 5:40 A.M. I woke up! So, I did sleep a good night’s sleep if you judge a good night by when you finally get up?! I am doing OK today, and my feet are freezing, and I must put on my socks! I put on a Hanes and an Above the Rim sock. I am a humble and humbled person. I love Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, and Iraq! I love the sacred spirit of Scheherazade, which rules these countries, and I love the Sudan and Israel and Palestine, which is what Jordan used to be. I love North Africa the desert countries. I have heard of Chad, but that is further south maybe, and I know I have heard of Ghana and Libya.

I know the depth of character of the people of North Africa and the resilience of the boys of Syria and the girls also and the strength of the people of Afghanistan when they overcome tyranny of their husbands, who attack without provocation or reason to be angered. I have not read since March of 2023, when I wrote my science abstract. This was sent to Popular Mechanics, and I have not heard from them as of January 15, and I sent it like a month ago at Hartford Hospital via mail. I did not want to give it to Popular Science.

Writer’s Café made it locked, so is that like VIP? Do I interpret this as that I have an advanced document some magazine would like to put in as an article? That Cherry Coke was some of the best Cherry Coke I have ever tasted! I saw yesterday some Sega Genesis games on the IBM computer. I was in awe of Altered Beast! Also, I liked The Golden Axe and Phantasy Star, The Legend of Zelda and Double Dragon. Also, Street Fighter III, and I could not play at Tekken III because I could not look straight ahead only to the sides with Nina.

January 25, 2024

Hi, dear reader, just to let you know- on January 15 of this month I lifted 9 hours straight of my 8 lb. weight, and today I lifted for four hours and ten minutes straight...!

January 28, 2024

Hi, dear reader, how are you doing? It is 9:06 A.M. Yesterday I did 10 400s, and I walked to the top of the hill. Today I want to do a lot of walking, and now I am writing here at my kitchen table. It is January 28, and there is a lot of rain today! I do not know what to do today. Maybe I will lift my weight. Yesterday I did cartwheels wildly successfully, and I slept last night so-so because I got up so early. Mom and dad are in the dining room, and it is raining today still! I want to walk a long distance today and to practice my trumpet to get back to the high C’s and D’s.

We go to the Palisado bookstore today maybe, and I went yesterday and had such a good time. I looked through G.I. Joe dice and RPG books. I am doing good, and Lila has school tomorrow, I think; Liz is going to Charleston, South Carolina. I have my Saucony sneakers right, books left. I went to Palisado yesterday, where I looked through G.I. Joe Cobra and a weapons manual. Yesterday I did some Yoga. I did some jumping jacks also. I just had some good-tasting root beer. I am wearing my dark tan and black Tahari shorts for exercising. My 10 400s went good yesterday, and I did them all before dark came to make me stop (I was having so much fun).

I am wearing a blue sweatshirt that is my only shirt that covers my stomach with a pocket, so my body is solid-looking! Like I said, I will wear this every day and put it in the wash. I am wearing some cotton socks now; actually, one is cotton. I hope we can go to Palisado today, and I want to get a new book there. Maybe we can go to Burger King as well!

I had yesterday two hamburgers and a small Dr. Pepper at Burger King, and I saw a nice young lady there. I practiced my trumpet for about 40 minutes yesterday evening (41 minutes) when it was late (at about 8:54 P.M. I started my practice). For breakfast I had some scrambled eggs and bacon. I looked at an old Dungeons and Dragons book at Palisado, which showed an important character quality as being one’s own self and equal around different humans. I did 5 cartwheels last night, and I almost hurt my wrist (but I didn’t).

I lifted nine hours straight on the fifteenth, and I have to lift today or I will be damned if I do not do an hour or more. A nice person on SoundCloud liked my Etudes album, and she is very beautiful. I wish I could put together a mix record for SoundCloud. It is January 28, and Liz’s birthday is really soon.

I am wearing my new pinkish Amazon Essentials sweatshirt and my Tahari shorts. I hope to go to Palisado today. It is 2024 now, and time flies. I want to get a typewriter- or rather word processor- so I can do my journal on the word processor or typewriter every day. My mom is investigating phone, computer, and TV fraud at our home, and I hope the police fix the problems. I love typing my journal entry. I hope we can go to Burger King soon, but I am taking too much Zyprexa at 20 mg, and I do not want to take it at all, as 15 is enough how it is. Well, I got to be part of Sony from 1989 when I had the blue Walkman. Now I am like a person who is a skater again!

I am doing OK these days, and all is firing on full cylinders by bedtime with me practicing and hitting high C’s and D’s tonight with the trumpet, with me getting a graphics novel to read, writing, running, lifting, walking, and Yoga. Maybe they will have a Yoga video at somewhere I can do! The Louise Solomon one I watched last night and did the amazing, awesome exercises. There is a lifeforce within me that is strong; I notice it when I am Yoga- ing. It is deep and powerful and mighty and strong, dear reader. Well, I have written for about a half hour so far! This is so good! I love my female side, sacred being, whether she is a human hero (a she-hero) or a nymph from seas or universes having stars!

I can go to the East Windsor Library to do studies on the computer. I am hoping to go at 11 A.M. to Palisado’s bookstore, where they have so many awesome books or else Barnes and Noble in Enfield to look at the fantasy/ role-playing books. I have been thinking about my being a magician’s apprentice and was hoping to do my next spell as a kind of earth’s crust movement to save or create oceans for earth. I already cast blue lightning, and I think I can with pink fire create new oceans and save the ones already by moving with emotion (Ha Ha!) the earth’s upper layer or crust (this is the one below our oceans that hold the water and that is closest to backyards’ soil, where, if you dig like six feet deep, you run up against hard earth with the result that you cannot dig out any more with shovels). Dear reader, thank you for staying with me, and I hope I can see you same time (if the morning!) and same place (at the kitchen’s table); my dad is here, and mom is also. Dear Reader, DEAR READER, never give up and always stick by me! Good night.

April 26, 2024

How are you doing? Three days ago, I lifted my red, relatively new 12-pound weight about 10 hours straight, and then I did 50 pushups, 60 situps, and 30 jumping jacks. Also, since the last entry, I did a new spell, and I had been building up to this new spell for some weeks with me getting a huge amount of static electricity from my feet being on the rugs. The new spell was a huge static electricity (but more electricity than normal static electricity) burst out of my left finger into the cloth cover of a lamp in the TV room. It might not be a spell per se, but it was exciting that so much electricity came out of my finger onto a cloth lampshade no less with no metal nearby. Dear reader, I had huge bursts (about four in the past weeks) of static electricity from my fingers! Thank you for reading, dear reader. I will love you forever and bye bye!

May 2, 2024

I am writing at 2:37 P.M., and I took a walk. Earlier I went to Big Y with mom and to the East Windsor Public Library. I Have gone to East Windsor, but mom does not like going to the mall. I am eating a Saffron Road meal. Mom is nice to bring me to the grocery store and to the library. I just ate a peanut. My perception was worked on and my smell!!!! I read about Hellcat, who has long red hair and who wears a purple cape. Her eyes are green and, when she smiles, she has sharpest fangs, so do not hurt her- she won't let you, and she will defeat you utterly. I have to be loyal to the man or boy who gave me the hint for intelligence! He was cool and had the best purple hair, and he said "Shhh" instead of Shh for a most happily ever after sleep!

I love him very much who told me about intelligence like with the fortuneteller from Ultima IV telling me about humility. I played soccer briefly. I read a good flowers magazine yesterday at Walgreens, and it seemed I knew all the flowers. Well, I better go but will see you tomorrow.

May 7, 2024

I dreamt there were judges who were to see if I could not be in the mental hospital. They would all be interested in the others' verdicts, and they would decide on a long city street; one man was merciful towards, me, but then they weren't, and it ended they weren't, and I would have to go to a mental institute, which I did not want to do, and I felt awful shame with having this illness or whatever it was that I had. She said people have jobs and find people to be boyfriends and girlfriends with.

She said Top Gun or the government made life hard on me by keeping me away from talking with people and this from the day I was born. My parents were embarrassed to have a son like me, and they were with me on this winter's day on the streets. I had grown famous or my case had. The street was a long one like at Max's O' Hartford. I heard the "yes" to save me and the "no" to not, all the judges were there as we kept flying down the street.

I dreamt they were the devil incarnate, and those who were this left when I was told this. I was going to be OK, and I was so happy. She was really ugly, and the people who had hurt me in life. When I woke up they were ugly. I was relieved so much to get back to normal, and she told me that was what it was. I dreamt that they were jealous of my success and that tried to take away my joy at my succeeding during the daytime adventures. I dreamt that if they did perhaps not give the physical joy (celebrations), it is cursed as a lie of physiognomy.

I saw a girl playing. I wondered about the word nuclear in relation to a basketball player's being able to jump for what could have been a dunk (he did a high layup). The court was the one they played games on. He was a student's' age. He wore dark gray shorts and sneakers and a gray sweatshirt. About ten people were playing. He almost did the dunk on the right basket (the basket on the right). The aura of the dream was one of me feeling oppression. I thought he might do a dunk, and I had thought of his jumping so high to do a layup in relation to if I could jump high enough to dunk in the future, and she felt I had a right to dunk and thought probably I should think about dunking so that I would dunk and be a basketball player who dunks, as that I think would be an improvement and would allow me not to feel jealous of those who dunk. The court was distant (it was a sort of melancholy court) though it looked nice.

After he dunked they ran to the opposite end of the floor for the opposing team to see if they could score a basket, but they did not though were still playing when the cool scene ended in my dream. There was one female, and she wore a gray sweatshirt, and it had white letters on it. It was the afternoon, and school was in session. I was in the doorway to the hall entrance. They were all high school players from Loomis.

"I want you to look at this closely."

I saw a man drive a Honda white and red motorcycle, which went away when we were near it.

"It might be from the future."

"Because it speeded up?"

"It did not speed up, but its rear wheel got bigger or smaller in size."

I said how it grew bigger, and this was magical and part of the future.

It was in the center of the road, and he drove on the sidewalk when he left.

The rear wheel even appeared to turn colors from off white to black, when the circumference changed.

It was 100% conclusive of the future existing, I guessed.

I dreamt that I was watching a high school VHS tape of a basketball game, and a person was in it. I saw many players, but it was not an official tape.

Thursday May 23, 2024

I went to the arcade, but got some chili on their abutment wall from someone mean from my quest doing that to me. I went to the grocery Geissler’s supermarket, and I bought some chili and whole milk. There is hope for me because I am like the or a mayfly. I am doing OK and am tired, but I slept well last night and had the dream of the nuclear missile that was a big monstrosity. I am tired and feel good excellent. Today is the most beautiful day, and there is a nice breeze. I am tired. I would like to edit my journal and have a good electronic file of all my volumes. That way all will be OK with that journal book that will be full of awesome stuff that can last, and it will be me (I can have a soul in my electronic journal "catalog" or "list".

I am tired.

I would like to go to college; I like Cambridge University a lot; I am really tired. Mom is coming in an hour and a half, and she is at the lunch with Chip Stewart and dad at Skooter’s. I am tired to the maximum fraximum. I am a little bare with my journal entries of late and of my dreams writing them down of course. I love my dreams which are amazing and tops- it is my laziness that is banal and insipid and unacceptable. I am tired. I bought some new trumpet pieces including Amazing Grace.

I am tired. My songs on SoundCloud sound good, and I even had a new listener! I am tired, dear reader! I am wearing khaki shorts and an Adidas T-shirt. I just felt braille- it is neat like sign language. Earlier I felt bad, but now I feel good. I wonder if Discover Magazine will write back. I am tired, and I want to have a good journal without people whose memory is not ok. I have trouble explaining myself. Yesterday I went to Suffield and was at the library. Mom has a bowel condition in her small intestine with bacteria, and it is too much in her small intestine, and sometimes she has me open her water bottle.

I have to lift my weight today, and I got trumpet music here to play when I go home like "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and "Amazing Grace." I am tired, and I am doing good. I slept till about 2:30 A.M., and my heart is faltering. It got weak at the reference desk. I walked yesterday, and I have to lift today. I watched the very beginning of G.I. Joe that came out in 2013 today, and it looks cool.

My sister is not home right now, and Lila and her are in Massachusetts. Mom will come in about an hour. The lighting in here is not too good, as it is really shady in here. I feel bad about spilling my.... or the person who did it.... spilling my chile. I am tired. It is May 23 today, and I heard the voice of a lady who seems to think ok of me, but I am not sure. I am to stay out today of my quest so I can lead a normal life of my schedule or else lead a life that is different but with me not feeling depressed, or, I mean, melancholy.

The braille felt good, and it was free at this library. I wrote an egregious awful entry earlier on today for which I greatly repine. It was feeling awful that I wrote this, and it was the only bad thing I wrote in a long time. Lila is at school today in Wakefield, Massachusetts. I have a funny attitude or comportment in my life now with all sorts of flibbertigibitts and nonchalances- idiosyncacies- that are humorous. I am tired, but I slept OK, getting back to sleep at about 4 A.M. only to wake up about 8 A.M. It was hot last night. I got my Adidas shirt dirty this afternoon, and, every time I would go back into the quest, I look at my fat belly to remember the problem of doing this that would bother me if I were to remain there.

I feel tired, really overwrought. I am glad I have intelligence, an new virtue, and my old one of the humility. I am so tired. I saw many dogs lately. I hope tomorrow goes as well as today, and I will put this entry in Writer’s Café. I wrote a full half hour today! I am so proud of myself! I hope you, dear readers of Writer’s Café and other places, like this entry of a full half hour’s writing! I will increase this tomorrow to forty minutes. I remember I had written a five-hour entry like two years ago. Dear readers of Writer’s Café, I hope you like my writings on Writer’s Café: I had been writing down the final versions of my writings in a cool Rhodia notebook just to put on your website!