My Life Volume 6

My Life

By Jonathan Failla

July 26, 2000- July 24, 2001

Wednesday, July 26 2000

I am disappointed that it is raining right now. I was planning on riding my bike, and I guess that that is shot. This is the first time that it has rained in a while during the day. I finished Orlando today. I really miss riding already, and I hope that the rain stops this afternoon so that I will be able to ride my bike. I am wearing my exercise outfit. I am ready to go, but the weather does not permit. I am reading The Phantom of the Opera, which is supposed to be a true story, but so far the book is kind of disappointing. I was hoping for a thrilling storyline, but it is kind of plain.

I think all the time about Trinity, and I fear that I am going to lose my place there in a graduating class. I am going to miss that college, and I really will miss that place. The Phantom of the Opera is not as well written as Orlando though the ending of Orlando was brilliant. The writing was superb, and if she had written like this throughout the book, it would have been an awesome book. I guess that I have to skip exercising if the rain keeps up like this. The sky is silver, and outdoors it is raining. Orlando ends in the year 1928, and the book is the strangest of Virginia Woolf ’s books because a man turns into a woman and lasts for over three hundred years. Virginia Woolf ’s books touch on the passage of time, changes, and death, which is especially prominent. People change, and things die. The oak tree in Orlando aging to live hundreds of years shows just how much more resilient trees are than humans.

Today I hope that I will be able to ride my bike or to run. I wish that I could return to college, but I do not have the courage to go through with it though I wish that I had it. I seem to completely lack the courage, though, and I think that it might be best just to stay at home. The Phantom of the Opera is a short book. After that, I will read some of Plato’s dialogues. I miss riding very much. I cannot stop thinking about college. I really want to return, but I do not know if I have the courage to do it.

Something tells me that I should go while another part of me says that I should not go, and the decision is so hard to make. There is a part of me that really wants to return to college, but there is another part of me that realizes what a hard road that that is. I just wish that I could have something to do during the day that I can do with other people, and I have a hard time being alone. I want to be with people my age and with smart people, and I do not care if I am with dumb people either as long as they are nice.

I myself am not a very smart cookie when it comes down to it, and I am pretty dense on a higher amount of Zyprexa, would be pretty sharp on a lower amount, and am very sharp oﬀ medicine altogether. Today really is a nice day, but I hope that it stops raining this afternoon. Last night, I watched “Headline News,” “Crossfire,” and part of the movie Above the Law. I am hoping to run this afternoon, as I will have more energy as time goes on. The medicine wears oﬀ as time passes. From my window I see the backyard, which consists of a tree that I

like outside of my window, the grass, and a forest. Fall is going to be here before long. Last night, I read the ending (the last twenty pages or so) of Orlando in about an hour. There were other Virginia Woolf books at the bookstore, but I did not buy them because they were too short. I hope that I will like The Phantom of the Opera.

If I do not decide to return to college in the fall, then I likely will not ever be able to go to college at this school again, and Trinity will be lost to me. I just cannot find the courage to return Trinity, where I might do well, but I just do not know if I have the courage to go. If I did not have my obsessions, then I would have no excuse for not going. My obsessions, however, should not be enough to convince me not to return to Trinity, which has so much going for it. The college is building around the campus, which has so much good about it really. The campus is beautiful, and I feel happy there.

The chapel is extraordinary, and The Cave is fun to be in now that they have redone it with nice places to eat. Everything about Trinity is nice, yet I lack the courage to go there. Staying home is all right too, as I can read, exercise, and write here. I have all I need here to get an education, including books and a computer. Without this trusty iMac, I would not have the journal that I do. I hope that the rain has stopped now so that I can go out for a run. I saw a nice forty-dollar book of all of Plato’s dialogues that I liked at the bookstore, and I remember getting that Greek Lexicon from Trinity for my prize.

I also got some money. In my journal I have recorded those times that I got the prizes though I was a diﬀerent person back then. I am a diﬀerent person now than I was before, for I was all caught up in getting good grades then though I might be a prey to vices, such as cowardice and laziness, that I didn’t have back then. Still, I see myself now with a higher degree of dignity than I had in me before. Today I hope that I will be able to run though I am glad that I was able to write.

Today, I hope to read an hour of The Phantom of the Opera, and I will try to do this reading after dinner. I hope that I will run before dinner though I think that it is still raining. Today is a cool day. The sun is not out, and it is not humid. The rain probably made everything less hot. There are no healthy flowers in the garden. Almost all of the roses have been completely vanished, and the ones that remain are shriveled up. There are no birds out today though there were tons out yesterday.

I kind of miss the Westfarms Mall, as that was such a nice place. Now is about the time to leave the reader. I will be leaving his or her company. Who knows whether I will ever decide to return to Trinity though I doubt that I will return. If I went to college all of my life, I think that for languages I would like to master Russian and French and would also like to learn Italian. I hope that the rain has lessened. I am now going to end this journal entry, so bye bye.

Thursday, July 27 2000

I was able to ride for about a half hour today despite the weather. It was raining on the bike ride, and I still think that it might be. The rain was light when I left, but when I was at the end of my run, it was raining more heavily. I am still reading the pretty good book The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. Still, I was hoping that it would be better than it is because the theme has so much promise, but it takes a greater master than this author to make something of it. I guess that the story is, to some degree, supposed to be true, but I am not sure if the names are real.

My bike ride was good, and I did three loops of the River Trail. I saw a woman walking her dog, and I passed an older man walking. I saw a man walking a dog that looked like the television dog Lassie. Last night, I found a couple of CDs that belong to my dad that I have stolen for myself, and they were not being used anyway though they are not really symphonies. The CD that I listened to last night is called Choruses and is by Verdi. Apparently, these are choruses of his symphonies or operas, and I am interested in getting some Wagner because he greatly influenced Goethe. I also have a Stravinsky CD that I got, which is called The Flood. I am really glad that I got to bike today, and my bike looks nice. Today was quite rainy.

Last night, I read The Phantom of the Opera, which does not say anything profound and which is somewhat superficial. Last night I debated going to the library to take out some CDs though I decided against it. I would really like to get a list of all the CDs that a store has in the classical section as then I could pick out what I want, and CDs are unfortunately more expensive than books. One can get a book for four of five dollars, while a CD runs for about fifteen dollars. I have all of my best dreams at about eight o ‘clock. I have not seen Mr. Bozzuto in a while. I did not see him last week, and I will not be there this week.

I am going to hopefully read tonight. Last night, I saw “Headline News,” “Crossfire,” “Walker, Texas Ranger,” and part of “The West Wing.” In “Crossfire” the subject was Bush’s vice presidential pick of Mr. Chaney. There are always a Democrat and a Republican on “Crossfire,” and the hosts are also a Republican (Mary Matalin) and a Democrat (Bill Press). Chaney is criticized by the Democratic guest for voting against abortion in certain cases and for voting against armor-piercing bullet bans.

These issues brought up on television are so out of my life that I do not even care about them. My life consists of reading, and I believe that that is where it should stay though I am still voting for Bush. In Phantom of the Opera, there is an opera ghost who informs the manager that he wants Seat Five rented out for him every night, and he also wants to be paid. He signs his letters to the manager Richard and to someone else as “the opera ghost.” The opera ghost gives this singer Christine singing lessons, and she blows away the crowd after having gotten lessons from the ghost.

There is this Monsieur Chagny who is in love with Christine, and he follows her to a graveyard, where the ghost is playing the violin. He tries to locate this ghost. He pulls on his long coat, and the ghost turns around. Chagny is so frightened that he falls to the ground, and I guess that he falls also into some kind of stupor till he is found the next day. The story is really kind of boring, and I would rather be reading something of the caliber of Milton or of Dante, a Dostoevsky or a Tolstoy, or a Turgenev or a Machiavelli. Yet I have read all of these books, and there is nothing left for me to do. I am interested in reading Ben Jonson, as his plays are supposed to be good. In Orlando, Woolf also mentions Marlowe, and there is also talk of a certain Pope.

I have never heard of Pope or Marlowe, or at least I had never heard of them before reading Orlando. I am interesting in getting some pieces by Verdi and Vivaldi. If Vivaldi has any other pieces other than The Four Seasons, I would be interested in them. From the Verdi CD last night I kind of got interested in him though I could not understand a word of the chorus. I am really interested in Wagner, but I probably could not understand a word of that either. The operas must be in German if Wagner indeed made operas. I think that he did, but I am not sure.

After I finish my current book, I am going to read some of Plato’s early dialogues. After reading Orlando, I would kind of like to live in a mansion.

Orlando lived in a house that was like seven acres big. I guess that one could call it a palace as Buckingham Palace is called a palace. This house one could call a dwelling or a home. I am lucky in that it is usually quiet around here. Orlando liked nature very much, and she liked sitting for hours below the oak tree that she is familiar with, waiting until the twilight came. She liked writing above all, and she even had her work published. This Mr. Greene whom she had known as a boy had her poems or prose (I am not sure which she wrote) published. Before, this man had written a satire on Orlando, but now he decides to get them published for her. I think that she is praised highly for her work by the critics.

The Phantom of the Opera is kind of boring, but there is a certain aura about it that I like.

It is kind of like a detective story. There is a man who has been hanged in the opera house, and I am not sure if they are calling it a murder or a suicide.

The managers of the opera house, Poligny, and another decide to resign because they have had enough of dealing with the opera ghost. Some people say that the ghost has a fireball for a head, and others say that they saw him with a death’s head. The book is written in a very matter-of-fact style. I rode pretty well on my bike today.

The day was great for riding, and I even got a little wet on the way home. I wore my Loomis Gore-Tex varsity jacket. Now I am wearing a button-down, khaki pants, and sneakers, which are strange for me because I usually dress down. I have a lot of nice clothes, but I just have not been wearing them. I do not know if I ever will publish my journals, but I might try to sometime. I would

like to get paid for writing though I do very much like writing for its own sake. I do not want to move out of this house. If I move, I would probably have to move into a smaller house, and I would really not want to do this. There are no important sporting events gong on now. There are just baseball games on, which I could care less about. I guess that tonight I will read the boring The Phantom of the Opera. Still, The Phantom of the Opera is all right, and I guess that the plot is kind of interesting. I wonder what the opera ghost will do next.

Today is a very cool day, and the sun is not out. Last night, I did not even need the fan in my room. My obsessions are still there, and they are especially bad acting up at night. This computer is a good one, for it has lasted me for a while. The CD player still works all right even though I listen to CDs every night now on it. I probably watch too much television every day, but that is all right. I hope that I will be able to read all right tonight. Tonight I also plan on taking the Saab out. I think that my sister bought some clothes last night. I hope that I will be able to watch some television tonight. I really should now say my final words. I hope that the reader is not bored and that the reader has electricity to light up things into the evening. I know that that last sentence did not make sense. I wish the reader well and hope that he or she is healthy. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Sunday, July 30 2000

I have not written for the past two days. Yesterday, I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Thursday night I slept poorly, and I decided not to write on Friday. I did sleep well last night. So here I am, and I hope to write a full entry today. My sister is at work now, and my parents are somewhere. Right now it is raining. This week has been a rainy week. Yesterday was Mamaw’s birthday.

Friday, I went to the Windsor Public Library, and I took out some CDs. There is one CD that I like a lot. I also like Bach’s violin concertos, and the CD that I like the least is Verdi’s opera called Aida. I do not know why I took out two operas on Friday. I took out Aida and Don Giovanni, and I do not like either partially because they are in a diﬀerent language. I like Vivaldi’s CD, which has piccolo concertos on it, the best, and I think that there are many other concertos that Vivaldi did too. I think that whatever Vivaldi does is going to be good. I am still reading The Phantom of the Opera, and I will probably finish that tomorrow.

The book has kind of gotten boring because it is unrealistic. There is supposed to be a lake under the opera house, but I do not see how this could be. The underground cellars of the opera cannot be as big as the author makes them out to be, as he makes the cellars out into some vast labyrinth. I think that I will read Plato next. The Phantom of the Opera is supposed to be this monster named Erik. He supposedly lives in a house by the lake, both of which are under the opera house. I found this hard to believe, and the incredulity I feel about this makes me not like the book as much as I would like, I guess.

Right now in The Phantom of the Opera, the protagonist and the Persian are underground. They are looking for a secret entrance to Erik’s house after which they hope to rescue Christine. The protagonist has a strange name, which is Raoul, and Christine and Raoul love each other. Christine is a singer who has been abducted, as the story says, by the monster Erik.

Erik is like a person and has created his own musical piece. He has the form of person, but I guess that he is something like the Grim Reaper. I do not see how there could be a lake under an opera house. I could see a lake above ground, but a lake under the opera house is crazy really. I do not see how the author wants a sane reader to believe in that. I hope that I will be able to ride my bike today. My obsessions are still here, unfortunately, and they are worse than they have ever been.

I hope that the rain will stop this afternoon though I do not think that it will stop, and right now it is even raining quite hard. I am looking forward to exercise. My obsessions are quite bad, and Thursday I was kept up by these obsessions. I could not get to sleep at night for about the whole night. I just kind of lay there, only seeming to be unconscious totally for a short time in the morning when I was able to dream some. I really hope that someday someone will find a cure for my illness. I want to be on a medicine without side eﬀects, as I hate the side eﬀects of this medicine.

If I were on a lesser dosage of medicine, that would be much better though I am glad that I am not on Navane. I am really glad that I am on only one medicine, as I do not want to go on any obsessive-compulsive medicine. Any more medicine than that which I am on would be too much. Last night, I watched the end of a movie called Kindergarten Cop. I think that I also saw part of a television show called “The Pretender.” Then I listened to Vivaldi, and I like his piccolo concertos very much.

I think that Vivaldi is my favorite composer. I hated Verdi’s Aida, and I have come to the conclusion that I really do not like opera partly because of the fact that I cannot understand the language sung. Popee and I played two games of ping-pong yesterday, and the first was the closest that we have had in a while. I did not do any genealogy today, but we agreed to do it next time. My dad still has not called his relatives in Italy about genealogy, and I doubt if he ever will.

He might, however, go to the Mormon library and find out some information. Maybe tonight it will have stopped raining, but who knows if it will stop. If it does stop only at night, then I might be able to run. I have a lot more energy at night than in the daytime. I have not been to the mall in a long time. I like the Westfarms Mall very much though, and I used to go there all the time. I wonder how The Phantom of the Opera will end, and I hope that it will end well. I will bet that Christine and Raoul will be together happily ever after.

I have been disappointed with the books that I have read lately. I have read all of the Classics, and now it seems as if I am just settling for whatever comes around. I am settling for less now. I would like to read the Classics over

again, but they are diﬀerent the second time around. Maybe now is the time to write my own poems, my own epics, and maybe I could be the next Homer. I certainly liked the Odyssey very much, and I like the Iliad too though I have read only about half of it.

I like the Odyssey better than the Iliad, which is a bunch of descriptions of battle and killing though there is, of course, more too it than that with the scores of characters with diverse personalities. I remember Loomis and how I used to be a freshman and sophomore, walking from Chaﬀee Hall to my classes. Chaﬀee Hall was a nice place for us little people, and I remember being in study hall from getting too many unexcused absences. There was a lounge even in Chaﬀee though I did not go there.

I have not been to Loomis in a long time. I have seen the outside of it, but I have not been actually on campus for a long while. I wonder if it will ever stop raining. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s. Mamaw opened her presents from us, and we all had a cake, which was all right. Mamaw was talking about antiques a lot, and she said that one of her pieces went for about five thousand dollars though she did not think anyone would buy it for that amount. Mamaw got tons of phone calls yesterday. She got a few from her friends and some from her family. Her daughters called. Popee and I talked some in the basement.

He asked me about college, and I said that it was kind of late to go now. He asked me if I wanted to return, and I said that I did. He thought that it might be all right that I stay at home. He asked me what classes I would take if I went back. I told Mamaw at the table that I liked the wrapping that the card was in.

Mamaw gave me some tapioca with whipped cream. Their house is nice, and it is always clean. I think that my mom wants me to go on vacation to the beach for a day. I have a hard time even getting out to the bookstore much less go for a vacation by the beach. Christmas is in less than five months; Thanksgiving is in about four months; Halloween is in about three months; and school for colleges begins in about one month.

I do not know how long I will be able to keep up my schedule. I just hope that I never get psychotic. There is a real chance, however, that I will get psychotic again, and I really hope that I do not. I never want to return to the hospital again or to see any more psychiatrists than I have to. I especially do not want to have to go to some diﬀerent mental institution. I wonder when the rain will stop falling. This afternoon I guess that I will watch some television. It has been raining so much lately. The sun is not out.

My obsessions really are terrible, and they make me do things that I do not feel like doing. Obsessions are kind of like a psychosis in themselves. I would not mind writing my own epic poem, and I wonder how good of a poet I could be. If I ever wrote a poem, it would be an epic poem like the Odyssey that I would imitate. I would never write short poems, as these cannot hold my interest. I would like a long epic poem. I wonder if I would write in meter, but I would have to learn how to do that. Now is about time to stop writing.

I hope that the reader is not angry that I skipped two days though that is entirely all right with me. I got a break. I am not sure if I will see the psychiatrist this week, and he might still be on vacation. I am looking forward to starting Plato tomorrow, and I just hope that this book will not be too boring. As for The Phantom of the Opera, I do not know what the author was thinking by putting a lake under an opera house. Still, the book is pretty well written otherwise. I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader a good day, and I hope that the reader is healthy. I must now go. Bye bye.

Monday, July 31 2000

I do not know how long I will last today. I am feeling sick. I have a headache, and I am not feeling well. Last night I slept pretty well, and I had good dreams as usual. Yesterday night, I read an hour of The Phantom of the Opera, and I finished this book today. The opera ghost has died. I hope that I do not get too sick writing this entry. I am reading an interesting dialogue by Plato called Ion.

I am not feeling well physically. I hope that it is the right thing to do to write now. I feel awfully tired actually, and I must be fighting something. My obsessions are really annoying. I wish that I felt well enough to ride my bike. I feel kind of slow right now, and maybe I should stop writing. If I am not feeling well, then I should not continue to write. I guess that I should call it quits now since I am not feeling too well. I still hope that this week will be successful. I just should not continue writing if I am not feeling well. Bye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Tuesday, August 1 2000

I did not write yesterday because I was sick, which I mentioned in yesterday’s entry. I really was sick yesterday, and I had a terrible night. I was already sick as it was. I am reading Plato’s dialogues right now. I have already read the first dialogue in the book, and now I am on the second dialogue. I did ride my bike today. I am very glad that I rode three River Trail loops because I was sick only yesterday.

I had a bad night last night, when I did not sleep very well at all. I got up pretty late today too. Tonight I hope to read Plato for a half hour, and I have already read Plato for about an hour today. I did finish The Phantom of the Opera yesterday. The Persian played a very big role towards the end of the book, as his supposed account of what happened between Raoul, him, and the ghost was lengthy. They had found themselves in a torture chamber and had been almost killed through the heat in that room. The Persian found a trap door that led them into a cellar, where it was cool. Down in the cellar was gunpowder that the ghost could have used to blow up the entire opera. While the men were down there, the ghost flooded the cellar and then the torture chamber, where they again were almost killed though they had been rescued before they were

drowned. Somebody just got home, and I hope that it was my dad. I really need to get this entry in today, and I missed yesterday’s and a couple over the extended weekend.

Last night, I watched a lot of television because I did not have much else to do, and I also made title pages for two volumes of my journal. I looked over a couple very old journal entries. I think that at the time I was a special student at college. Today really is a beautiful day although it is not sunny. Today looks like a rainy day, but there has been no rain. I am not running anymore, but that is all right. I like biking very much, and it does not take such enormous energy out of me. My obsessions are truly worse than ever, and I wish that they were less strong and terrible. They keep me up at night and bother me during the day.

Yesterday I got some CDs from the Windsor Public Library, and I brought back Don Giovanni and Aida. These two operas were supremely boring from what I heard. On my bike ride, I saw an old man, who had headphones on, walking. There was nobody on the River Trail today, and there was only one car in the River Trail parking space. Then even that disappeared. Plato is very smart, and I do like reading his dialogues. Last night I looked over a couple entries of my really old journal, when I had that green fleece headband and my black Oakley sunglasses. I do not remember if this was before or after I got psychotic for the fist time, that terrible first time. In one entry, I called Chris Merrill about how to prevent shinsplints, and I would still call Chris then. Now I do not think that I would. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight.

I would very much like to go to the mall sometime. I do not know if it would live up to its billing, but it would surely be nice to go to the mall and see all those things for sale. If I went to the mall, I would go in Brooks Brothers, Banana Republic, and Abercrombie and Fitch. Maybe I could pick up a bookmark and some new shoes. I would, however, rather go to the Wadsworth Atheneum. I would really like to see what was there. That museum is a really nice one though I hate having to find a parking place in Hartford. I would not have trouble, however, finding a spot in Westfarms.

Last night, I made cover pages for Volumes 6 and 7 of my journal. Each volume has many pages in it, but I am not sure how many. The only thing that I kind of regret about all of my recent journal entires is that there are spelling errors in them, which might make it laborious for a reader to read. My obsessions are really very annoying, but they still do not much hamper my skills. Plato talks about skills in the first dialogue that I read. Plato was a real genius, and I guess that Socrates was the teacher of Plato. Plato, however, was the only one to write. I guess that Socrates did not write, or if he did his writings are not still in existence.

Last night, I dreamt that I was friends with David Nee and one of his friends. They took me out in the night, and we went through some pine trees. We arrived at a party that they wanted me to go to. The party was at Hamilton College though the landscape in the dream did not resemble the college. We

entered the rowdiest of dormitories, where the frat boys were. I was supposedly special, and special enough to go to a fraternity party, where all of the rich and spoiled kids went. There was this one room that I did not want to go in. The place was like animal house. Finally through some rationale, I decided to go in under the two-foot opening, which resembled an opening in a door for a dog.

Although I tried crawling under, I could not fit, and that was the end of that.

In my dreams Hamilton is not a friendly place. In the dialogue that I am reading now, Lysimachus and his friend are wondering whether to get their kids to go under military training. They are asking Socrates and two military men their opinion. Socrates says that it is not really about military training, but more about doing good for their sons, which is the most important thing and which is the goal at which military training aims at. Socrates then says that he would like to know about where the two military men got their training, or, if they trained themselves, who they have trained to become respectable men. Right now, bravery is being discussed. I wish that I could fall asleep all right without obsessions. I do fall asleep fine in the long run usually, but this is usually after having done some obsessions.

I wish that there was a pill that could get rid of my obsessions without any side eﬀects. I really hate obsessions very much. I kind of do miss the sunny weather. Lately, for the past week, it has been rainy and not sunny. I wish that it could be sunny. Still, this weather suits me fine. I seem to like summer now much more than I used to. There are no good sporting events on really though there are some tennis tournaments going on. I saw Monica Seles playing in one, and I think that she was playing Coetzer. I wish that Seles had never been stabbed, and she is courageous to return to tennis after that.

I am kind of tired right now, and I just noticed this. I have not been tired writing in my journal entry today until now. I just kind of feel lethargic, and I probably feel this way because of lack of sleep last night. I hope that tonight I will be able to read Plato all right. The Phantom of the Opera dies in the end, and he puts his name in the obituaries through an intermediary. He wants his loved one Christine to bury his body, and I think that Christine and Raoul are to be married. I suppose that the wedding is a tragic one for the opera ghost, yet he does the right thing in not blowing up the opera house.

The opera house is the Paris opera. Plato thinks that poets are inspired by some divine source, and he says that he does not know much about military training because he has not had the money to find out about it from the sophists. I feel kind of tired right now. I guess that I will not be going to college though some day I might return. I guess that I will have to settle with being sort of Plato or Socrates since these men did not go to universities, yet they still sought truth. They sought knowledge and wisdom. I wonder when the Olympics will begin. I am looking forward to seeing a lot of sports on television, and I like basketball and track very much.

Now is about time to go. I am glad to have written a full entry today, as my health permitted it. I wish the reader a very good day. I hope that the reader does not have too many distractions but that if the reader does have them, I hope that he or she does something fun in spite of them. I guess that my sister has work today, which is a good sign. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader is doing well and is still with me though I have not been able to write as much as I wanted through sickness. I would have liked to have written a full entry yesterday. I wish the reader well, and I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, August 2 2000

I do not know if I will be able to do a full entry today. This morning was horrible. I am thinking of writing a book though I do not know how good it would be, and I was thinking of writing a fantasy book. My obsessions are pretty bad, and I hope that someday I can get over them entirely. I tried reading last night, but I just did not have the energy to. Not sleeping well can really take a lot of energy out of one though I slept decently last night, so I should be able to read Plato tonight. I am reading a dialogue now called Lysis, but I am not sure what the gist of it will be yet. The dialogue has Socrates with a bunch of teenagers.

Socrates asks Lysis if his parents let him do what he wants, but Lysis responds that his parents do not. He cannot ride a chariot or spin wool if he wanted to.

He also has a man who brings him to school. I hope that Plato writes about friendship. I think that my sister is at J. Crew right now, and she obviously left this morning. I feel kind of tired, and I blame this on my illness that I was fighting. I think there is still some of that with me today. Today is pretty warm. I wore a T-shirt and shorts on my half-hour bike ride today, and there were more people than usual on the River Trail. Last night, I watched a lot of television; I saw some of “Headline News,” “Crossfire,” and a movie called The Jackal.

There are a lot of birds in the yard now, and there is a rabbit that frequents the yard sometimes though I do not see it now. I do kind of like this summer weather. I wonder when the leaves will start falling oﬀ of the trees, and maybe they will start falling oﬀ in November. I saw a lot of people on the River Trail today. I saw a woman with a brown dog, two old men (whom I have seen before), a woman dressed in black tights and a black T-shirt, and a guy, whom I have seen at the Windsor Public Library. I am looking forward to seeing the Olympics.

Tonight, I hope to read Plato. I really hope that I do understand it tonight.

I hope that I did get enough sleep last night. I have not seen Mr. Bozzuto for quite some time. I wonder when I will finish reading Plato, and I should finish the book within the next week or two. The next book that I will read will be Kim by Rudyard Kipling, and I have never read a book by him before. After that I will read Middlemarch, and after that I will have to go out and get some new books. I am not sure what books I will get after I read the books that I have now. The problem is finding a big book. Partially why I bought Middlemarch is that I read

through small books far too fast, and I can at least read big books for a while. There seem to be a lot of birds out today, and maybe that is because it is sunny.

Today really is a sunny day, and it would be a nice day to go to the beach. Last night, I listened to music. I listened to a Mozart piano sonata, and I guess that I do like Mozart. I listened to Tchaikovsky’s First Piano Concerto, which was a good piece, and I think that I listened to that a couple days ago. I have gotten a fresh new set of CDs from the library a couple days ago. I hope that I can get an even better night’s sleep tonight than I did last night. My bike is still riding well. There are no problems with the bike, and I really do like the bike very much.

I rode for twenty-nine minutes today, and I did not feel tired during the ride. My favorite part of my ride is going down the hill right when I start oﬀ: I like the great feeling I have of going fast. I no longer am afraid of going fast down that hill like I used to. I wish that I could get up early in the morning. I hope that I will be able to watch television after I read Plato tonight. Yesterday, I watched television for over four hours, which is far too much television.

I did not have anything else to do though. I do not know how much I like dialogues, which are in Plato. I do not see why he uses dialogues though I learned that Plato does use dialogues for certain educational reasons. I liked the Apology and the Crito by him very much. My obsessions really can get the best of one, and they can really ruin one’s day. These obsessions try to get me to do things that I do not really want to do. For example, my recent obsessions that I must take back two CDs to the library. Other obsessions are that I should look at the monitor and change the spelling of some error that I think that I might have written.

They really can drain the energy from one and can ruin one’s day if one lets them. I cannot believe that it is already Wednesday, as this week has gone by in a blur due to my sickness and consequent lack of sleep. I hope that I will be able to get back into the groove again, but who knows if I will be able to. I did take out the Saab yesterday. Last night, I went the usual route. I do like that car very much, but I wish that it had more power, or more oomph. My obsessions really are tragic. Without them, I might be able to write smoother. I think that if I was oﬀ this medicine, my quality of writing would skyrocket. I hope that I do understand Plato tonight.

Last night I just did not have the energy to read though there is no reason why I cannot read tonight. I am kind of tired right now. This week has been challenging. Someday I would like to go to the beach. I am now about through with writing. Today’s entry was not easy, and I had a lot of obsessions during it though I am glad that I was able to write. I hope that the reader will stay with me in my journal entries.

I hope that this week will be productive. I do not think that I really need to write a book, and as long as I have this important journal, I think that I should be all right. My obsessions certainly can get the best of me, but, though they can, I must not let them ruin my life. I am glad to be in good health. I hope the reader

is well. Now is the time to go, and I wish the reader a nice goodbye. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, August 3 2000

Today is pretty hot. I was not too hot though, and I am not now. My bike ride went well though there is some noise on my bike when I ride from, I think, the gear cogs getting old. My sister is at work today. I am reading a Plato dialogue about self-control, and the whole dialogue is about finding what self- control is. It is not quietness. That was put forward, but Socrates refuted it. I did sleep well last night. I do like this dialogue, which I think is called Charmides. It is really hot in my room, and I am pretty much boiling in here. I am pretty tired. I did sleep well last night, but I find that today I am very tired.

When I got up this morning, I felt downright sick and like I was going to throw up. I felt that I would be sick for the whole day. My bike ride was pretty good, and I did pass pretty many people on the trail. Today I read Plato for about forty minutes. It is hot today; I cannot believe how hot it is, and I would love it if it rained.

I think that a nice thundershower would be a good thing. I have not seen the psychiatrist in a long time, and I guess that he has been on vacation. I feel like sleeping; I cannot believe how tired I feel, and I almost feel too tired to continue writing. Plato is stalking on Charmides to find out if he has a noble soul. Socrates thinks that he has a beautiful form, as the young men put it, and thinks that he might have a good soul, seeing as to his genealogy. His relatives were all fine men. There are introductions to every dialogue written by experts, I suppose, but I just skip over these. I like Plato much more than those scholars; at least I like Plato’s writing better. I feel tired, but I would like to get in a full entry today.

I will have to think of something to talk about. I hope that I can find something to keep my mind occupied. I would write a fantasy book if I were to write a book, and I would write about a wizard who learns spells from his master. The apprentice would learn many important skills, one of which would be producing light. He would ride a dragon in his adventures, a wise dragon, which has a cave filled with gold and platinum. The wizard would have an adversary in an evil wizard. The two would finally meet, and the apprentice cum wizard would defeat the evil one with a spell. The wizard could meet a fair princess along the way and fall in love with her. The princess would be wearing a veil and a white puﬀy dress with nice shoes, and the wizard and the princess would live happily ever after.

I wonder what the wizard would wear; I would like him to wear just a simple brown cloak. He would have his own magic book, which contained his spells, and he would bring this in a sack on his back. As for a weapon, he could

just bring a nice big oak staﬀ that could throw forth fire at other people or monsters. The staﬀ could also be used for fighting in close combat.

I feel so extraordinarily tired. I feel like falling sleep or something.

Although I hate this feeling, I feel that I should go on writing even, but what I write might not be very impressive though it might impressive. Overall, I think that my writing in this journal is all right though ever since I stopped looking at the monitor I can see how people might think my writing strange and even kind of disconnected. Surely, I wish that I had no spelling errors. I hate these obsessions; they are so annoying. I saw some Loomis kids near the dog pound today. Two of the girls were good-looking. There was a kid on a skateboard with a girl by his side. She was trying in vain to ride his skateboard and was heading straight towards me.

If I had to write an epic poem, I do not know what I could write about, but I guess that I could write something plot-wise like the Odyssey by Homer. A man would be on a mission and would undergo many trials, and his life would be threatened. I would like to write a medieval story. I would like to write about a knight in shining armor, who is in search of something and who is on a mission to do something. Maybe he would be in search of a magical cup to use to save his mistress from a certain disease.

He might travel to far-distant lands and be tested in might by trolls and by black knights. He might have to find places to stay in caves or castles. He could be a guest at one castle, where there are a lot of tapestries and where he is entertained by his host with fine foods like owl, venison, and the like. He could in his spare time go hunting with a fair princess, or maybe not hunt with a princess but with fine hunters by his side, who specialize in the trade. He would have hunting dogs with him, and the knight himself would kill a pheasant, which they would eat for dinner that night in the castle, with a crossbow. The castle would be big, made of stone, and have a moat around it. I cannot explain why I am so tired.

My sister is at work, and she will probably be back late tonight. She either starts work in the morning or in the afternoon. I do not know where this tiredness comes from. I feel less tired now than when I started writing this entry. Overall, today has been a decent day. I guess tonight I will read the Charmides dialogue. I am no longer tired now, but what is worse is that I am frustrated. I am overtired right now. I hate going through so much frustration during an entry that is supposed to be fun. The entry was fun most of the time, but now it is becoming tedious.

Therefore, I am glad that now I am going to write the conclusion to this entry. I will have still written a full entry. I hope that the reader does not find me too strange from reading this entry; I really am not extremely strange. I am glad that I am through with this entry now because I am no longer enjoying writing it. Now I am oﬀ. I wish the reader a fine day, and I hope that he or she does not have an annoyance of things as I do. I wish the rabbit well that is in the yard, and

I hope that it has a fine time in the yard. I hope that he or she finds something to eat in the yard too. The rabbit must be looking for food. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, August 4 2000

I have been thinking some about returning to college, but I do not really know what to do. Yesterday I got a form letter from Trinity’s registrar’s oﬃce saying that I would not be graduating in the year 2001. I did read Plato today, and this book is diﬃcult to understand in some parts. I guess that I will not be returning to college, and my obsessions seem to be the chief reason for not going. Plato is pretty interesting. I am reading Hippias Major right now, and this dialogue is diﬃcult. Plato is undoubtedly a smart guy. On my ride today, I passed this woman whom I have seen before on the trail some time back. She is quite pretty and was wearing a swimsuit-like top and sandals from Tommy Hilfiger with a Hilfiger logo on them. She was walking with a tall man, and he was dressed more formally as if he had just come from work.

It is fine that the woman was talking in street slang, as I used to do that too.

Although I do not know exactly what she was saying, she might have been talking about how she might not want to have a baby, and about an answering machine. I passed a very old man, who was wearing blue pants and a white hat, the same thing that he wore yesterday. I passed the guy whom I saw lately and who also used to frequent the Windsor Public Library when I went there, and he was wearing cheap, colorful rubber sunglasses. I passed an older woman and her dog, and she smiled lasciviously at me I think. I passed a woman and her dog, which was on a long leash. I would like to know that woman who was talking street slang. She is really pretty, but would be even more so if she dressed up. If her hair was let down, she would look quite pretty. I passed a man with a dog, which looked like Lassie. My obsessions still are quite bad. Still, they are not as bad as others have them.

I miss the mall very much, and maybe next week I will get a chance to go to there. If my sister is home one of those days in the early afternoon, I think that I will go to the mall. I can spot all the wares. The mall that I would go to would be Westfarms. I do not much like the Enfield Mall, which is small compared to Westfarms. The Enfield Mall does not have many good stores, and the only thing that they do have is an arcade, which is pretty good. I am sure a lot of youngsters hang out there. I used to like arcades.

I really used to like playing games at home on my video game systems. I had the Sega Genesis video game system. I liked playing Space Harrier Two and Phantasy Star on my Genesis, which also had a Master System converter that allowed one to play Master System games on it. I wish that I could return to Trinity, but I just do not know if I wold be successful going. I do not know why I want to return to Trinity so much; I just want to be successful. If I did return to

college, I guess that I would take Latin and Greek if they met at times not too early. My bike is still going strong.

On the River Trail today, I passed a couple people mowing the grass, and I passed them a lot. They were on those big mowers that one sits in. That job must be kind of interesting. I am looking forward to going to the mall next week if that is what I do. Pretty soon it will be too late for Trinity, and classes will have started. Now is the time to call about returning if I do return to Trinity. I know that my grades might not be too high if I return to college, but if I do return, I think that that would be courageous. I really have no real excuse for not returning. The closest real excuse I can think of would be that I would not go because of my obsessions.

The next pseudo-real reason would be that my illness would prevent me from performing. Those reasons are not really too strong though they may seem so. The dialogue that I am reading right now is about the definition of fineness. Hippias, a sophist, and the philosopher Socrates are trying to find out what fineness is. Plato so far has been in aporia about self-control, and he seems perplexed about what fineness is too. There are short introductions to sections of the dialogue by the translator, and these essentially tell what is coming next. Last night, George W. Bush, as he is called, gave his speech at the Republican National Convention though I did not watch it.

Last night I listened to a Mozart sonata in A Minor, and I do like this piece.

I also listened to Mozart’s Adagio and Fugue in C Minor. I do like Mozart as a composer. I like his style. I do not, however, for the most part like Beethoven or Tchaikovsky although these are supposed to be two greats. Today really is a beautiful day, and the sun is out in full force. I am kind of drawing a blank now on what to write about, but I hope that I can think of something. I am just drawing a blank, and I blame this on my terrible obsessions. I did not see a biker on the River Trail today though I did see two joggers. Actually, I saw three joggers, and one of them was an old man. The other two who were not with this man were quite young. Tonight I hope to read Plato. I really do not want to return to the mental hospital anytime soon. I never want to return there, except maybe as a worker there. The older jogger whom I saw I think was wearing an orange Princeton T-shirt, and he looked like an old gym teacher. I wonder if the Republican National Convention will be tonight, and I might watch part of it.

Tomorrow I hope to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and maybe tomorrow also I will be able to run in the afternoon. I have not run for a while. I do not, however, miss it very much. Running takes so much out of me that I do not miss it. I should finish Plato soon, and then I will start reading Kim and see how that is. I do not know if I will like Kim though. The book only cost me like four or five dollars. I had heard before of the author Rudyard Kipling. Popee has all of his works as well as all of Oscar Wilde’s and George Eliot’s works.

I hope that Kim is a good book, but I have no idea what the book is about. I suppose that it is at least pretty well written. I am starting to get kind of tired, but

I would conjecture that overtired would be the best way of describing it. I wonder where those rabbits are now; yesterday I saw two of them in the yard. There are a lot of birds out on the lawn today. I am about through with writing for today.

I hope that I have written a pretty decent entry. Who knows whether I will return to Trinity, and I cannot guess the percent probability that I will return. I cannot even venture to guess. I would say that the probability is somewhere between one and ninety-nine percent. Now is the time to go. I wish the reader a fine night, and I hope that he or she always leaves room for recreation. However, I might leave too much room for recreation, watching a lot of television every day. I am oﬀ, and I wish the reader well. I will hopefully write on the weekend once. Now is the time to go. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 6 2000

Last night, I used the Internet, and I do not know what possessed me to do so. I looked up some names. I looked up some Failla names, and there were some Faillas in Sicily. I do not have to look up the Taylors since Popee has done all of them and quite far back too. I wonder if I ever will get any more information about the Faillas. I have little information on them, and I might have a hard time finding them. Last night, I used the Internet for about an hour.

I looked up schizophrenia, and there was an interesting place where the surgeon general wrote about it. He said that the side eﬀects of the neuroleptics were pretty bad. Today I read Plato for an hour, and tonight I will start the last dialogue, which I think is called Euthydemus. I have not gone to Mamaw and Popee’s this weekend. I feel bad about this, but I will hopefully go tomorrow. I do not want to let Popee feel badly about me, and I want him to know that I have not forgotten about him. I want to work on some genealogy next time that I go over.

I hope that I will go over tomorrow evening. Using the Internet was pretty interesting, and I went to a website with Mozart as the topic. The k in front of the number designating the piece stands for something like Kochel, and I think that this number is the number in the Kochel catalog. There were a lot of Mozart sites, but the ones that I went to were not exactly edifying. There are essentially no new FDA-approved drugs for schizophrenia on the market. Zyprexa is the latest and best of them, it seems. I wonder if companies are still even researching new drugs.

In the dialogue that I just finished, Socrates asks Hippias which Homeric character he likes better, Odysseus or Achilles. Hippias likes Achilles better, and he says that Odysseus is deceitful. I do not think that Odysseus is deceitful, only smart and, as the Greeks might say, crafty. Last night, I did watch some television. I watched part of a fictional television show about this virus that has

infected the world. I found a site on the Internet where the Yale School of Psychiatry is.

The Internet is kind of interesting, but contains a lot of junk, no doubt. I used my father’s Macintosh for it. My mom cancelled my Internet account. I tried using the Internet on my computer yesterday, but, since the account is null and void, I could not get the Internet. The program my dad uses for the Internet is called Microsoft Internet Explorer. I did ride my bike today, and there were a lot of people on the River Trail today. The people were very talkative. I passed one guy who had a huge pot belly and who said that there were a lot of fish in the marsh. He did not say “marsh,” but said “water” maybe. He actually asked me if I had seen the fish, and I replied “No.” Then I passed these two women walking together, and they said “Hi” to me. Then I ran up against a family, and I think that these small kids stood in my path. I had to go around them.

My mom is at the mall with Mamaw, who wanted to go to the mall. I do not blame her, for I kind of want to go to the mall also. My sister is working, and this I am glad of. Plato writes about the diﬀerence between honest people and liars. The dialogue ends by their coming to a conclusion that the person who does a crime deliberately is less at fault than the one that does it unwittingly, which is something that they cannot agree on. They came to this false conclusion by Socrates saying that a person playing a lyre, say, does a better thing if he makes a mistake knowingly than unknowingly. If the man knowingly, or deliberately, makes a mistake, it is better than the ignorant man making a mistake.

In the first case the man is skilled with the lyre, while in the second instance he is ignorant. Therefore, Plato thinks that the one who is knowledgeable is better than the ignorant one. Yet this argument breaks down in the conclusion, for if someone does a crime deliberately with premeditation, then this doer of crimes should obviously get the harsher sentence. Yet I think that committing a crime at all is not a skill, so should not be equated with the playing of a lyre or of another skill. Today really is a beautiful day. I did ride pretty well today, and I did three loops of the River Trail.

Therefore, my ride today was faster than the ride yesterday. My obsessions are still extremely annoying. Last night, however, they were manageable though right now they are intolerable. I wish that they would just disappear, and I really do loathe them. They tire me out, and I hope that they do not attack me again on this journal entry. I am wearing long pants today though it is kind of hot out. It is not extremely hot out though. I was comfortable on my ride, and it even felt somewhat cool on it.

I hope that I will be able to finish Plato soon. I wonder what the dialogue Euthydemus, which is the longest dialogue in the book, is about. There are two Hippias dialogues, which are entitled Hippias Major and Hippias Minor, and I just finished Hippias Minor. Hippias Major is presented first, and I think that it was about self-control. These obsessions are terrible today really. If I even spell one

thing wrong, I feel that I have to go back and change it. My obsessions just are quite annoying. I do not know what to say right now, as I am all tired out from them. Today is the day that my obsessions have been the worst when writing: I have never experienced them being as bad as they are today. I feel awfully bad that they were this terrible today, and I do not know why they are so bad. They really have tired me out, and it is too bad that now I am left with a tired mind.

I think that I just barely will be able to eke out a full journal entry today, and I will just barely make it through decently and without making a total fool of myself. I feel terrible that I had to go through all of this suﬀering while writing. The obsessions have sucked all of the life out of me. I think that there will be some tennis on today though I am not sure when. The United States Open, which is on hard courts, starts at the end of this month. I wonder which players will be on for the matches. I think that Sampras will be there, and I wonder if Andre Agassi will be there. Martina Hingis was recently upset by Venus Williams.

Venus Williams probably will become the best player in the world pretty soon for the women. Soon also the Olympics, which will be pretty interesting, will be coming up. Yesterday I did see some tennis, when Novak got defeated by Levy on Levy’s birthday. Tonight, I hope that I will be able to read Plato. I wonder what will be on television tonight. I do not see any rabbits in the yard, and I wonder where they have all gone oﬀ to.

I kind of miss school. I miss Loomis pretty much. I miss Trinity too, and I liked both places in diﬀerent ways. Maybe I will eventually return to Trinity.

Now is about time to go. Today I apologize for my obsessions, which might have made my entry towards the end kind of boring. I feel bad about this, and next time that I write in my journal I will try to have it well written throughout. Today is just a fluke. I am oﬀ now, and I wish the reader well. I hope that my illness is not getting worse. I am oﬀ now, and I wish the reader goodbye. Bye bye.

Tuesday, August 8 2000

I did not write yesterday. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I did use the Internet yesterday, and I visited the Los Alamos National Laboratory site, which was pretty interesting. I am reading Middlemarch right now. This book is well written and diﬃcult. I am glad that I went to my grandparents’ house yesterday. I have been having psychotic thoughts for a long time. I have been having them as far back as I can remember, and the thing that has helped me to get over them has been the computer. This has kind of washed many psychotic grandiose thoughts away. Unfortunately, my obsessions are still here. My journal entries have shown my relative paranoia.

I also have not included very much in terms of my creative thoughts, as I have been afraid of them. I have kind of kept a day-to-day account of my life, but did not put in any creative thoughts, fearing that that would be wrong.

Nevertheless, these entries still are good entries with, I feel, solid writing. I still have a hard tie convincing myself that my false beliefs are false, for they have gradually ingrained themselves into my belief system. I am still bothered by my obsessive thoughts. I have pretty much lost my creativity lately, and it is up to me to get it back through writing. Last night on the Internet, I read about some techniques for brain scans. There are new technologies to see the brain now. I also have looked on the Yale and University of Michigan websites on the topic schizophrenia. There were interesting articles at both sites. There are both negative and positive symptoms of schizophrenia, but I forget the descriptions of what each is.

One of them is hallucinations, basically, while the other is basically lack of motivation. I read that a schizophrenic person avoids eye contact, stays away from people, hears voices (which I do not), and has trouble with thought processes. Medicine does not treat all these. The neuroleptics aﬀect the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fires in the wrong way in schizophrenic brains. There is also probably a link between other transmitters, such as glutamine.

The word neurotransmitter might be based on the Latin word mitto, which means to send. There is supposed to eventually be a new generation of medicines for schizophrenia, and I hope that I can get some of it. I tried to get connected to The New York Times web page, but I need an email address to get it. In desperation, I went to the Los Alamos National Laboratory, and I found that this was an interesting site. My mom is seeing an old college classmate of hers today, and I think that they are going to have dinner together at a restaurant in town.

Last night, I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Fifth and Fortieth symphonies, and I like ”Haﬀner,” which is his Thirty-Fifth, best. Yet I also like the Fortieth very much too. “Haﬀner” is very famous, and it is maybe Mozart’s most famous symphony. Last night I tried reading some of the Bible, but I did not understand what I was reading because I was so tired.

I tried to read the beginning of the book of Ezekiel. I will try reading some of Middlemarch tonight. I do like this book, but it is really a huge book. I asked Mamaw which book she was reading. Mamaw said “Hello” to Max, a kid that lives down the street, and his parents want to send him to Loomis. I do not know where I will go to on the Internet tonight.

I might visit Cal Tech to see if there are any interesting articles on any breaking news. These obsessive thoughts are really devastating. The rabbit has apparently left the yard. I do like to save like bugs from certain death in my room, and I will bring ladybugs from my room to outside. I would really like to return to college, yet this seems like such a long shot. I wake up so late that it wold make it hard for me to go.

Last night in Ezekiel, who I guess was a prophet, I read that a being had four heads. I also read a wee bit of this book called Mordecai in the Bible. I have read Ezekiel before, and I remember it to be one of my favorite parts of the Bible. I like Revelation too even though it is hard to understand, and I think that the book tells of the second coming of Christ. I am wearing a Loomis Chaﬀee shirt, beige Tommy Hilfiger shorts, and Adidas sandals. I do have a great respect for nature since there are many fabulous things to see, like birds and trees. I am lucky to be in this house and to be able to be around trees and birds, and I once saw a deer on the River Trail.

Today really is a beautiful day, and I rode three loops. Today is scorching really, and the sun is bearing down on all creatures of the earth. Last night, I watched “The West Wing,” and I do like this show. Tonight, I think that I will listen to some Mozart piano concertos. I think that Vivaldi and Mozart are my two favorite composers as of yet. Mozart wrote an immense body of work, but he lived for only thirty-five years. I wonder how many leaves are on this tree outside my house. I am sure that there are hundreds and maybe thousands of leaves on it. I know nothing about trees, except for knowing what a weeping willow looks like I remember from Loomis there were these trees with white bark that one could pick oﬀ, and I think that these were called birch trees.

Then there are the huge redwood trees that one sees pictures of, and the sequoia trees also exist. I kind of would like the get the Internet on my computer. but it would save money if I used my dad’s computer for the Internet. My dad has a higher model of computer than I do, and I think that his comes with a built in DVD player. Popee and I tried to do genealogy yesterday, but Popee got confused. I got pretty frustrated. We played ping-pong too, and this was better.

We played two games of ping-pong. My obsessions really are annoying.

Last night, I had an awful time. Middlemarch is about two sisters so far, and their last name is Brooke. One of them is named Dorothea, and the other is named Celia. Dorothea is a religious woman. She likes this one man, but dislikes another who likes her. Celia and Dorothea went through some jewels in a box. Dorothea thought that a cross would be good for Celia. So far at the beginning of each chapter there is a certain quote from a book. I do like Middlemarch, and I hope that I will continue to like it. Although I have been thinking of hooking up to the Internet up here in my room, this would cost money, and I do not want my parents to pay too much money for me. On the other hand they are not paying for college for me, so I might not be asking for too much.

I will bet that there was no one on the River Trail today because it was so hot and is so hot. On my bike I get a nice air-conditioning eﬀect, for on my bike I go at a decent pace or at least enough for some wind to cool me oﬀ. If I were running, I would not be cooled oﬀ. Now my dad is sweeping the stairs, and he has been cleaning up the house today. I wonder what the name of this classmate of my mom’s is.

I feel sort of tired right now. My obsessive thoughts not only make me tired, but they give me a headache. I have had a moderate headache all day. Now is fortunately the time to say goodbye, and I mean this in a positive way. I hope that the reader has a good day. I am glad to have written today, and I hope that I will be able to read some of George Eliot tonight. For now though, I am gong to rest and then have dinner. I am oﬀ. I hope that I do not get psychotic again, but I might be heading towards a psychosis though I hope that I am not. I have got to go. Bye bye.

Wednesday, August 9 2000

Yesterday, I did use the Internet though I do not know if it is at all beneficial to use it, and I do not know what I can possibly gain from using it. Yesterday, I used it for like an hour. I used my dad’s credit card and signed up for an Internet account. The cost is $90.95 per month. I do not know really what I can gain from using the Internet, as much of the Internet is trash. I do not know what I can possibly do with the Internet, and using the Internet might also interfere with my schedule. I might not be able to keep up a decent schedule if using the Internet gets in the way. I do not now what to do.

Today is a hot day. The temperature is really high, maybe in the nineties. Last night, I listened to some piccolo concerti. I guess that the plural of concerto is concerti instead of concertos. I thought that the computer use made my psychotic thoughts disappear, but now I do not know what to believe. I do not know if my psychotic thoughts really were psychotic. I just do not know what to believe, but now I am beginning to believe my instincts though I know that they might be false. I am still reading Middlemarch, which is kind of boring, and I especially miss the Internet in that with the Internet I can always get up-to-date information on science and technology from the Los Alamos Natural Laboratory.

Still, this information might just be useless to me. I just do not know who or what to believe. I do not know if I should use the Internet anymore. I feel kind of tired right now, and I certainly am mentally tired from thinking about what I should do relating to the Internet. Middlemarch is about these two sisters Celia and Dorothea though Dorothea is talked about most, and she will get married soon to a very bookish man. The Internet is expensive, yet it is nothing compared to going to college. I need some new CDs. Next week I am hopefully going to ask my parents to get me a couple Vivaldi CDs.

Last night I listened to some piccolo concerti, and I liked the last one most of all because it had a catchy rhythm. This concerto I liked most probably by far though I liked the other ones too. I only rode two loops today, as mentally I was not into the ride. I kept thinking about the Internet, and whether I should use it. I did, however, get to ride down Broad Street some. I passed some people on the River Trail, and a short woman wearing white Nike shoes. I passed two women, one of whom was with a brown dog. I passed an older woman, who smiled at me

as I passed by. The two women whom I saw before might have been related, but suﬃce it to say they were not the most aesthetically attractive people.

That should not matter, though, and it does not matter. When I was crossing a very small bridge on the way home, some fishing line got caught in my tire. I had to stop the bike and rip it oﬀ. My bike’s tires are getting deflated. They deflate over time, and then need pumping up again. Yesterday and today are really hot. Last night, my room was like a furnace; it was really hot. When I went on the Internet yesterday, I went to the Los Alamos National Laboratory site.

There are a bunch of articles about current science. I do not really see the point of the Internet, though, unless one wants to use it like an encyclopedia.

There is a lot of money to be made on the Internet to if one is a smart entrepreneur. My sister is working at J. Crew. Yesterday this friend of my mom’s came over, and she had a really corny laugh. Her laugh was extremely corny. My mom, who drove a bronze car, and her friend went out to eat dinner last night.

My mom went to Wheaton College, and I think that it is in Illinois. My sister goes to Wheaton College in New England.

When I went over to Mamaw and Popee’s house, Popee got out the Ayres book of genealogy. I saw the family crest though I did not get any information on the Ayres family. For the second time or more that we have gone over genealogy, I have come up with not too much information. The Ayres side of the family belonged to Popee’s mom’s side of the family. The family crest is quite strange.

Popee and I played two games of ping-pong. I really felt awful going over genealogy because we were getting nowhere. Popee’s books were not easy to understand, and he had a system of numbers that I did not fully understand.

I am not sure what is going on in tennis right now though the United States Open will be coming up soon. Last night, I rescued two huge ants. These ants were really large, and they had wings on them. They resemble wasps, but I could tell that they were ants from their bodies. I am guessing that they were queen ants though I cannot be sure about that. There were two just crawling around my room. I think that they were queen ants, but I cannot be sure.

Yesterday I tried to do a creative entry, but I do not think that there was anything special about it other than that I talked about trees. I mean this facetiously, for that must not have been too interesting.

Today is a very beautiful day really. I cannot help thinking of Trinity and of how much I would like to return to college. Still, I might get along here all right. Middlemarch is a huge book, and it is even bigger than The Thousand Nights. Middlemarch is kind of boring though, and that is the only thing that I do not like about it. I might have to get some new books at the bookstore soon. For now, however, I will stick to Middlemarch. I am not interested in Shakespeare, but I am interested in some short books by Virginia Woolf. Still, these books add up in price. I do not want to ask for too much money from my parents. I hope that I will be able to read for about a half hour tonight. Last night, I watched the news

for a while, and then I actually watched a half-hour comedy show though I might not have watched the whole thing.

I do hope that I never get psychotic again. I feel that I might, and I really do not want to. Yesterday, I read for about an hour and a half, and I also wrote a full journal entry. I hope that today’s journal entry is better than the one that I wrote yesterday. I am glad that I have been able to write today, but the question is whether I will be able to keep up this journal.

I know that I have kept it up for a very long time, but I do not know if I can keep it up. I mean that if I use the Internet a lot I might not have time to write in my journal. Last night I had a lot of dreams. I did have a good bike ride today. I do not know if I am going to be able to finish Middlemarch. The Olympics are coming up. They will be here soon. I just do not know what to do about this Internet. I suppose that I could stay connected, but who knows what is best.

Now is the time to end this entry. I hope that the reader is doing well. I did talk a lot during this entry, and I hope that the reader does not mind. I am kind of hungry right now, and dinner will be kind of soon. I have a hard choice to make tonight, and I hope that I make the right decision and that this journal keeps on ticking though sometimes it takes a licking. I am oﬀ. Farewell, fair reader, and I hope that the reader will make the right decisions. Bye bye.

Thursday, August 10 2000

I decided not to use the Internet. I did not think that it was worth losing my journal and reading over the Internet. The Internet might be fun to use, but it messes up one’s schedule. I biked three loops of the River Trail today. The medicine has tons of side eﬀects and causes me to not be able to ride my bike very well. I read Middlemarch for about an hour today.

Just attempting to read was a big obstacle for me. I found it hard to pick up the book and to start reading. Middlemarch is a challenging book to read though it is kind of boring. The characters are pretty interesting. Dorothea recently married. Middlemarch is a gigantic book. I decided not to use the Internet. I felt that it was interfering with my education, and I still think that it was. I do not see the use of the Internet. I said that it made me sane, but now I do not believe that. There is nothing for me on the Internet.

If I have a subject that I want to learn about, then I will read it in a book. If I went on the Internet, I would simply be wasting my life. There is nothing good about the Internet, and the information on the Internet is mostly made by amateurs. I hope that tonight I will be able to read Middlemarch for a half hour. I really think that reading tonight will be crucial. If I find that I cannot consistently read, then I will become pretty depressed.

On my bike ride today, I passed a really attractive woman. She was with someone her age who was also a young woman, and they were with a small kid. I did pass a jogger today. The man looked like Mr. Osef, who was a science teacher

of mine in middle school. He put me in a corner for reading a magazine on bikes, and he took the magazine away from me. There were not many people on the trail today.

I am kind of glad that I have gone oﬀ of the Internet though I have not canceled it yet. The first month is free. The Internet really was not a positive thing. I do not see how one can learn very much on the Internet, and even the college websites have nothing of substance to them. I went to the California Institute of Technology website, which was boring. There was nothing good on research. That is a small college. If I had any college in the world to go to, I might just go to Cal Tech.

I am interested in science and cutting-edge technology. When I did the Internet, my thoughts changed course. I thought diﬀerently. I thought that the computer in a sense cured me of what I had. I know now that this cannot have been the case. I just hope that I will be able to return to my normal routine again. I do not see much point in keeping a journal if I read only an hour a day, and I hope that I can return to my previous schedule. Maybe I will get some new insights on what has happened to me this past week.

Today is a beautiful day, and not too hot really. I was able to ride my bike without getting hot. I think that yesterday was hotter than today. This morning, I kept getting up and then going back to sleep, but I do not know what caused this. I am guessing that my obsessions, which really are pretty bad, caused the occurrence. They are with me all day long, and in everything I do they are there. I did have a good ride today. There were a lot of birds on the trail as usual, and I have seen a lot of mourning doves and robins today. My obsessions have really reached a crisis stage, and I wish that I did not have them. Middlemarch is pretty boring and is even sometimes hard to understand. I like Dostoevsky better.

There are some good character descriptions in the book. I think that my sister is working today, but I am not sure of it. She does not seem to do much reading. I wonder how smart she is. She does go to college, so she must be pretty smart. She did well at Loomis too. Last night I had tons of dreams. I dreamt a lot concerning figures in my life. I will bet that a lot of people were present, in my dreams last night, whom I have known over the course of my life. My obsessions seem to be out of control.

Last night, I wrote an idea for a biography. Last night I was thinking of writing a biography. I had failed at reading Middlemarch, and I was pretty down last night. I wrote a plan for a biography for about twenty minutes. After I finished it, though, I felt that I should not do it. I have doubted my capacity a lot this past week. I have got to realize that I can do things on my own and that I can be a success. Last night, I watched part of the movie Overboard and part of “The West Wing.” I hope that I will be able to read Middlemarch tonight.

I do not know if I will be able to though. I should stick to my resolution not to use the Internet. This room is like a stove; it is really hot in here. Next week I will have to print out this journal. The man Dorothea married is the

scholarly type. He is pretty rich. He has a second cousin who wants to go overseas. The cousin has not chosen a profession and does not really want to chose a profession. I am glad that I was able to do three loops of the River Trail today. I guess that I had more physical energy today than yesterday.

I remember when I tried to ride for an hour each day, but I guess that that was simply too much for me to handle. Middlemarch is an all-right book. I wonder how learned the author really was; I do not think that she went to college. Many authors did not go to college really. I do not think that Jane Austen went to college. In the 1800s probably few women went to college, yet there is a great tradition of women writers from the nineteenth century, such as Emily Bronte and Jane Austen. I suppose that George Eliot was not bad either. Virginia Woolf is the greatest woman author of the 1900s. There may be others worthy of that title, but I cannot think of any right now. There is not much going on in the news right now. The presidential campaigns are going on now. Vice president Al Gore has picked his running mate as has George Bush.

I am pretty tired right now. I hope that tonight I will be able to read some at least. Now is the time to say my goodbyes. I have written an entry today, and I think that this is a success. The future of my journal has been in doubt, but now it looks better than yesterday. I just hope that I never get psychotic again and that I am doing the right thing by continuing writing in my journal and reading also.

I hope that I made the right decision by stopping using the Internet. I wish the reader a fine day, and I am glad that the reader is still with me. Unfortunately, though, my future at a college looks bleak. Still, it looks like I might be able to teach myself here at home, and in many ways this is better even than a college education. Bye bye.

Friday, August 11 2000

I am still suﬀering from really annoying psychotic thoughts, and I think that I am able to recognize them as such now and have had them for a while now. I wish that I could just be healthy. I read Middlemarch for about an hour today. I think that my sister is at work now. I feel quite tired right now. I hope that I will be able to keep writing in this journal. By using the computer, I was able to see the falsity of my thoughts though some of my thoughts seem to be sane.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out whether my thoughts were psychotic or not. I really have a lot of my thoughts that are not based in reality. I do not believe them right now, or maybe I should say that I believe them less than I did before.

I did ride all right today. I rode three loops. Unfortunately, my obsessions are still with me, and they seem to be with me always though I am able to sleep all right. My obsessions seem to be worse than ever though I must see it as a good thing that my psychotic thoughts are leaving me. When I woke up this morning, I felt awfully depressed. My psychotic thoughts in some sense settle me, and the voyage back to reality is harsh since it gets rid of some comforting

thoughts. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday. I would like to read Middlemarch after dinner tonight. I think that I am going to take the day oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, August 12

I think that I am making good progress towards getting rid of my psychotic thoughts. I still have them, but they are not as pronounced as before though my obsessions are still pretty bad. I am kind of relieved to see that my psychotic thoughts are going away. Last night I used the Internet. I did not use it long, but I went to the University of Michigan schizophrenia site. I did not have much to eat tonight. All I had was a salad, a tiny portion of cottage cheese, and one piece of pizza. I would not say that that is a dinner at all really, and now I feel even more vexed that I was not able to have a full dinner.

Maybe tonight I will be able to get something to eat. I have not had a good day food-wise at all. I have had enough enriched wheat flour to feed a horse. I have had a lot of psychotic thoughts for an extremely long time though I seem to be getting over them. Maybe I am not totally over them though. On the Michigan website, one of the symptoms of schizophrenia is that one has fixed beliefs of a paranoid or grandiose kind that one has a hard time changing, and these fit my description exactly. My psychotic thoughts are of this nature though I think that there is some truth to them. My sister is at work right now, but she should be home soon. I hope that I will be able to watch television tonight. Last night, I watched “Headline News,” “Crossfire,” “Moneyline,” and part of a musical. My mom is sick today. I feel bad for her, for she gets sick most often in the family.

I basically do not get sick much, but that is likely because I am not exposed to people. I feel bad that my mom is sick on the weekend. I am not reading Middlemarch anymore, as it is too boring. I am reading the Aeneid now. I have already read this book, but I like it this time around just as much. I do like Virgil. I did not ride my bike today, but I ran for twenty minutes.

I think that I ran pretty well. Still running takes a lot out of one. I am really tired of all of the obsessions that I have. They just are extremely annoying, and I wish that they would go away. They really are annoying though I am glad that my psychotic thoughts are going away. Now if only my obsessions could disappear likewise. I read the Aeneid for about two hours today. I am writing now after dinner obviously.

I think that it might be a good idea to write after dinner. I was not in the mood for talking earlier today. This medicine does not make me in the mood for anything really. On the River Trail today I passed someone riding a bike, and he said “Hi.” Although I tried to say “Hi” back, the word would not come out of my mouth, and only a grunt came out. There was a boy riding behind him, and I hope that I did not oﬀend the father and thus oﬀend the boy who might have

been his son. The Aeneid is a very moving tale with lots of action. Things were much simpler back then, but then also they had terrible wars.

Still, there are wars today too though instead of spears modern armies use grenade launchers, rocket launchers, and machine guns. The Aeneid takes place during the Trojan War between the Trojans and the Greeks, and the tale is about Aeneas. The Aeneid was written during a time when people were pagans, or at least this is what I think. I am not sure when Virgil wrote, but his tale is certainly concerning pagan gods. For example, there is Jupiter, Juno, and Athena. These are gods of the roman pantheon. There is also Mars, Mercury, and Neptune among some other Roman gods.

Just because one reads a pagan book though does not make one a pagan. The next book that I think that I will read will be the Iliad. I might keep going with Middlemarch after I finish the Aeneid or the Iliad. I just do not know when I will be ready to return to it. I hope that I will be able to get in a full entry today. Yesterday, I only got in about twenty minutes, and I should have done more.

Tomorrow I hope to go to Mamaw and Popee’s though I do not know if my mom will be healthy enough to go tomorrow.

Today I was not expecting to read nearly as much as I did, so I got a pleasant surprise. Middlemarch was just getting too boring for me, I think, and besides Middlemarch is a huge book. I am not planning on reading anything else tonight. There are really not many schizophrenia sites on the Internet. The only one that was any good was the University of Michigan website, and the others were kind of annoying. I did not really like the other sites too much, and the simple University of Michigan website was the best.

I wish that more people cared about schizophrenia and researched it more. The people at the University of Michigan are really researching the role of some neurotransmitters and their role in schizophrenia. They seem to be heads above the other websites. I do like the Aeneid. So far, Aeneas has taken his father, Anchises, upon his back and has left the city with his wife, Creusa, and his son.

On the way away from the city, however, he loses Creusa, but his going back to find her still makes him a hero in my mind. Nothing much is happening in the news. The presidential campaign is in full swing. I hope that tomorrow I get to see my grandparents. I wonder what is on television tonight. If my sister does not steal the television away from me before I can get to it, I will likely watch “Headline News” unless there is some interesting sports show or a movie on.

Recently in tennis at the Masters Series, I think, in Cincinnati, Pete Sampras lost a match to Tim Henman, and Todd Martin lost to the Brazilian Gustavo Kuerten. I think that Todd Martin has grey hairs. Running is quite diﬃcult really for me.

I weigh much too much for a good runner, and this medicine really slows me down. Last night, I did not go out in the Saab, but I might go out in the Saab tonight just for the ride. I do like the Saab much, and one could call me a car or at least a Saab aficionado. I remember Mr. Seebeck in journalism class at Loomis writing that he did not know that I was such a sports aficionado, when I wrote a

piece on Jim Courier. I thought that Mr. Seebeck was a pretty good person. I think that he wrote a college essay for me, and I showed him my A- paper on The Great Gatsby.

Tonight, I hope to listen to some music. Last night I did not listen to much.

I do not even remember what I listened to last night, but I did not listen very long. I really would like to watch television after I finish this entry. I hope to get a full entry in tonight. Last night I read a couple of entries from my journal when I was at Trinity, and my style back then was impeccable. I passed two old women on the River Trail today.

Today is really a beautiful day, and it is kind of cool compared with the past couple days. I am wearing long pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt. I am still interested in genealogy, and I hope that I can follow this up sometime. I am kind of hungry, actually, and I would not mind something to eat soon. I hope that my mom feels better and that I do not catch her illness. I wonder when my sister will get home from work. She still works a J. Crew. Eli Lilly is in the news because its Prozac is going to lose its copyright license. Therefore, there will be generic drug companies making Prozac. The stock price of Lilly went plummeting with this news.

Lilly makes Zyprexa, which is why it is of interest. I hope that I will be able to read the Aeneid tomorrow though I will not probably read it too much. I hope to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I have an appointment with Mr. Bozzuto on Wednesday. I am not exactly looking forward to it, but I am not afraid of going either. I think that going will be somewhat important to reestablish contact.

I wonder what is on television tonight. I am awfully tired of these obsessions. I stay at the psychiatrist for about a half an hour each time. My obsessions are really annoying. I am interested in returning to college, but I just do not know if I will be able to. I wish that I could, but who knows if I can. Now is about the time to say my goodbyes. I hope that my sister does not ruin my television night. I wish the reader well.

I feel extremely grateful for being able to write this, and extremely lucky most of all. I hope that the reader makes the right decisions. I owe a lot to God. I am about through. Now I hope that I will be able to watch television tonight, but before watching television, I will rest some. I must now take oﬀ, but I hope that the reader is going to read Monday’s entry, which I hope to write. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 13 2000

Today is quite a rainy day. Although there was no rain in the morning or early afternoon, it has started up. Hopefully it will last, and I hope that it lasts because it cools temperatures down a lot. Today I had some psychotic thoughts of a diﬀerent kind than I had before. I do not believe in the thoughts now, but it actually is kind of scary that I was pretty much believing them today. I went to

CVS today though I did not buy anything. I walked to CVS through town. I read an hour of the Aeneid today though the big thing that I did today was to go to CVS. This marked the first time that I have really gone anywhere. Like I said, the biggest thing that happened today was me going to CVS.

After I got back, I even drew a map of the store, and I drew a map of Windsor center too. I was thinking of writing a poem or something even. CVS is a boring store, and there is nothing of use there really. There was nothing good in the notebook section. The binders were all standard, and I do not think that there were any slanted ones. I did read the Aeneid for an hour today, but that is all that I was able to do.

I wanted to do more in a way, but adventure was calling me to CVS. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house because my mom was not feeling well though I did get to ride my bike for about a half hour. My bike ride was pretty good, but I was awfully tired and had some psychotic thoughts. I think that today I was probably too adventurous for my own good in thought and in deed though I am glad that I am here writing. Tomorrow, I hope to read, and I do not think that I will read any more tonight. The Aeneid is very good. I really do like it.

Aeneas and Dido are together though Dido’s city suﬀers from her lack of attachment to it. She has forgotten about all the aﬀairs of state in her aﬀair with Aeneas, who plans to leave her though to found his own new city, but he tries to do so secretly. Last night, I listened to Mozart’s piano concertos. I listened to one that I liked and to one that I did not like so much. Tonight, I might listen to Haydn. I will have to return the CDs to the library soon. I kind of hope that it keeps raining. Last night I did sleep pretty well but not very well. I had a lot of dreams.

My dreams are mostly good, for my circumstances here at home are good in many ways. There are diﬀerent ways of looking at my situation here at home, but I think that taking the positive tack now would do. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today though I wanted to. I hope that I will be able to see them tomorrow though I might not. I am getting through the Aeneid pretty well now, and I like reading a book that I actually like; I like this book much more than Middlemarch. I hope that tonight I will be able to watch television. Today turned out to be a good day in many ways.

The weather is nice, and I am glad that I was able to get some reading done. I did not get too much done, but this coming week I will definitely get down to business. My sense of danger and adventure brought me to walk to CVS. The walk was uneventful. I saw a couple of people go into the church, and a couple walking through town. My obsessions are still here and are unfortunately still in full force. I do not think that I will be able to return to Trinity, for my obsessions are pretty bad. Last night, I had a really bad night, and maybe that is why I was kind of tired today.

My obsessions really are quite annoying. My obsessions are really bad when I write here though I do not think that I have full-blown obsessive-

compulsive disorder. At least I hope that I do not have the disease. I wish that I had read more today. As it stands, I have read only an hour. I do not even know if I should write a full entry today. I feel kind of tired, actually, thanks to my side eﬀects. The medicine makes me awfully tired though I think that I should go on. I owe it to the reader to get in a full entry on this diﬃcult day. I wonder if there is anything good on television tonight.

Yesterday I did read a lot. While waiting for my sister to get home last night, I looked in a computer catalog to get up to date for about twenty minutes. I do not care about what is happening in the IBM world, and I care only about Macintoshes. I care only for Apple computers. I care only for Apples. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to read pretty much. I hope also that I do not have the terrible psychotic thoughts that I was having today. This journal is something based in reality, so I can see that writing might help some maybe. At the drugstore, I saw a lot of things.

I saw pens, notebooks, binders, pencils, sketch books, and a whole bunch of magazines for sale. I saw one magazine called GQ with Anna Kournokova on it. I do not know what other magazines there were, but there were a lot of them though they mostly seemed to be kind of annoying ones. My obsessions are quite annoying now. So far I have done tons of obsessions, but today is not as bad as usual, it seems, while writing. My obsessions otherwise are the usual annoyances. If my sister did get home, then she is probably having dinner right now. I cannot think of anything else to do tonight than watch television. I will probably, however, go out in the Saab some.

Last night, I took a diﬀerent Saab route. I went past Sage Park Middle School and the Windsor High School. I went to Sage Park. Now the place is gaudy and looks like a mall. If I only could have read more. Yet I do not worry about that, for I had an exciting journey to CVS. I should probably not have gone, though, as I do not see how it could have been educational. I heard part of two songs while in there, and they were playing Steve Miller for one of them. I wrote the people whom I saw and their locations on my CVS map.

CVS is really no big deal, and the products there are nothing really special.

The walk through town took me near to a fountain. I also walked by the Chamber of Commerce for Windsor, which is a white house essentially. This is where there used to be a good candy shop and some clothing stores. Last night I really had quite a tough night. I had to just wait around for a long time. Reading the computer catalog was pretty good, but otherwise the night was diﬃcult. I wonder when my sister will get home today. Last night I watched the news for a while and then watched the ending of Dirty Dancing. Then I watched part of a movie on a President of the United States, and the person playing the president was Michael Douglas.

Those psychotic thoughts that I had today were kind of scary, and I was so into them too. It shows that I am still kind of paranoid that I am just afraid to even say what these thoughts are. Yet they were real, and I am kind of afraid of

these thoughts. The University of Michigan website said that people were afraid of their thoughts sometimes. I hope to read for a couple hours tomorrow, but if I do this, then I will likely have slept well tonight.

I hope to write in my journal tomorrow, but there is a chance that I might not. If I do watch television tonight, then I would probably watch “Headline News.” I do like the anchors on “Headline News,” and they certainly are better than the ones on the major networks. Now is about time to write my conclusion. I should have read more today instead of going to CVS, but I felt that I had to go out. Still, instead of helping me get rid of psychotic thoughts, going out to CVS only made things worse in my mind. There might be value just not going places when I have no definite aim for getting something out of them.

I wish the reader a fine night, and I hope that he or she does not have obsessions like I have. I hope that tonight I can have a relaxing night of watching television. I am oﬀ now, and I wish the reader a fine night. I hope that the reader is still interested in reading my journal. This conclusion today was not the best, but I hope to write a better entry tomorrow, knowing that going out does not necessarily make things mentally any better. Bye bye.

Monday, August 14 2000

Now I am thinking about returning to college, and I do not know how good of a thought this is. I simply do not know if I should return to college though there are many benefits for going, and if I do go then I might be able to have a social life. I really would like to go, but my obsessions get in the way. I have not ridden today. I went to the library today, and I got out some CDs, which are mostly Vivaldi and Bach. Last night I slept very well. I did not ride today because it was raining. Actually, I feel like riding now, and I might ride now. I might be back tonight, but now I think that I will ride. Bye bye.

Rain is still pouring down. Therefore, I have returned. I had got all changed into my running gear, but, when I went on my way outside, I found that it was raining. I do not know if I ever will return to college again. My mom has asked me to look at her computer, but I have not done so though I probably should. I do not want to deal with computers right now though. Today I read for about an hour and a half, and I went to the Windsor Public Library too. There was a lady who opened the CD case, and I got out some CDs.

I feel tired, and this is no doubt from the medicine. If I were oﬀ of medicine, I am sure that I would feel better. Today I used the Internet extremely briefly for about two minutes total, deciding not to follow through with it. I feel kind of tired right now. I wonder how it would be if I actually looked at the monitor. I feel tired right now. I have written with the monitor out of the way for years now, so I do not think that I should change the practice. Besides, looking at the monitor makes one dead from all of that radiation, and just typing is a pure form of writing. I guess that I could try writing with the monitor turned towards

me, though, yet I do not want to. I am torn, just feeling awfully indecisive right now. I do not want to make the wrong decision.

I think that I will keep the monitor away from me. I do not know what is happening to me, but something inside is yelling at me for writing without the monitor facing me. I guess that I will try to write with the monitor facing me, but if I do not like it, I will not continue. Now I am writing with the monitor towards me, and I guess that I could continue writing like this. At least I will not make any spelling errors. I have been writing with the monitor away from me for a while now, and I guess that I will have to get used to having the monitor facing me. I am changing this habit because I have the Internet, which has changed the way that I live. I think that it got rid of my psychotic thoughts.

I just hope that my journal will not suﬀer from this new mode of writing though I do not want to become some bona fide computer user. I miss my run. I was planning on going out to run. I will bet that it is still raining outside. When I went on the Internet, I went to the Tennis Magazine site, and there were some players highlighted, such as Sampras and Agassi. There will have to be a changing of the guard in American tennis, as Sampras and Agassi are getting old. They said that Sampras was twenty-nine and that Agassi is thirty.

Last night, I looked over my calculus book for about a half hour. I went over relative maxima and minima and over inflection points, which I think are determined by the second derivative. I know that the thought process of my previous entries is diﬀerent than when I write with the monitor facing me. The question is whether watching myself writing is going to make any diﬀerence in the quality, whether it is lower or higher.

I certainly would like to return to Trinity, but only time will tell if I am ready for this. I know that I have discussed this before in my journal, but I believe that it is important. Who knows whether I will ever return to college at Trinity. The college is a maverick, but I do not know if I am ready to return there with my obsessive-compulsive condition. I do not want medicine for this, though, for I do not want any more things that could possibly interfere with my brain function.

I have 177 pages written in this seventh volume of my journal, and this file so far takes up 848 kilobytes of data. I still have some pages to go then. My obsessions are really annoying, as I have mentioned before here. They really are devastating, and I mean it. I have to do things that I otherwise would never do.

Seeing a rabbit in my yard today makes me think that there is a rabbit family living near here, and the more nature the better is my philosophy. One can really zone out with this monitor’s radiation. I can feel my mind sliding into nonexistence, into some type of void. My mind is losing its structure really, and this cannot be beneficial. I can see from this entry that my thought process was pretty random. My brain is being fried writing with the monitor facing me.

Last night, I was able to watch some television. I read the Aeneid for about an hour and a half today, and I am getting along in it. I do like the book very

much, and it is a welcome change of pace from Middlemarch. Today I listened to Vivaldi and Bach. I even took out my trumpet and played a scale. My trumpet playing is awful, though, and I do not know if I will ever be able to play again decently. My piano playing will probably be equally as awful if I decided to play it. Right now, the Democratic national convention is going on. Al Gore and his running mate, Joseph Lieberman, are the Democratic nominees. I am a bona fide Republican. I have to see Mr. Bozzuto this week on Wednesday, and I have not seen him for about a month, as he has been on vacation.

I guess that I will continue writing with the monitor on from now on, and I guess that it would be better to have a journal without spelling errors. I do not know what to do about returning to college. I guess that I could plan on returning the second semester of the school year. For the music that I have been listening to I have had to listen to the CDs that I have had for a while. Last night, I listened to Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scheherazade and to Joseph Haydn’s “Oxford” symphony. I think that the “Oxford” symphony is Haydn’s Ninety-Second. I do not know if I will exercise tonight; I might try running on the River Trail. I should not say that I run though, for really I jog. I jog slowly too. Ever since I got on this Zyprexa medicine, I have gained weight. I know that weight gain is a side eﬀect of this medicine, but it is a devastating side eﬀect in my mind for someone who has known low weight for my entire life but for this illness.

I will have written the equivalent of a full journal entry today. I have written a lot lately really, not skipping my writing much at all. In the Aeneid, I am at the point where Aeneas is preparing to enter the underworld. Now is the time to say goodbye. I hope that I was able to write a decent entry today. At least I made no spelling errors once I looked at the monitor. I hope that the reader is still with me, and I can say that I had fun writing in this journal tonight.

Goodbye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Tuesday, August 15 2000

I do not know what format is best for writing here. I guess that writing with the monitor facing me would be best. Last night, my Internet connection was lost. I was looking through Tennis Magazine online when suddenly the Internet connection disconnected, and I was really upset about this. Now I do not have the Internet. I think that computers are addictive. Once someone starts using them, they can never stop. Computers rule the lives of modern people.

Today I read one hour of the Aeneid. I read the part where Aeneas goes down to the underworld. He sees his father, Anchises, in the Elysian Fields, which is the equivalent of heaven.

Aeneas sees the boatman Charon, who takes him across the river in the underworld, and Anchises points out the river of forgetfulness to Aeneas.

Aeneas is shown the future rulers of Rome. The section before the trip to the underworld is about the funeral games that Aeneas held for his men. There were

contests in boating, archery, and fighting. An older man beat a younger in the fighting match. In archery, the object was to hit a bird that was tied to the top of a mast. One of the men hit the mast and rope, and the bird was free. Then a man hit the bird in flight. This might have been the point when an omen was shown by the arrow turning into a flame, but I am not sure about this. There were many prizes given out and many animals slaughtered. I am guessing that the slaughter served the purpose both of sacrifice and food.

There was also a dash contest, and one of the runners slipped on the gore of the killed animals. He complained about how he was cheated of a victory on account of the slippery ground, and then Aeneas gave him a prize. Later, the Trojan women were driven to madness by a goddess, who I think convinced them that it was the Greeks who had moored their ships nearby. The women set the ships on fire, but then Jupiter sent rains to put them out. After the funeral games, Aeneas left, but some of his crew remained to settle. Now Aeneas is seeking his destiny and is heading for the land where he will found a new city. He is searching for Latium, a place to bring his household gods.

The Aeneid is an interesting book, and the author undoubtedly was a genius. Today I did go on a bike ride. I passed some people, and most notably a runner. The runner was a young woman running at a good pace, and she was wearing nice clothes and nice shoes. She was wearing a tube top, shorts, and a necklace. When I first saw her, she was stretching on a mound in the parking lot, and then I passed her twice on my mountain bike. Her skin was a tanned bronze or else bronze naturally. I had a lot of energy on my bike today, and I got around pretty fast.

I finished three loops, and I still had time to spare. I have to see those poor dogs in the pound every time that I pass by. Today I saw only one dog outside, and this was a gold color. I passed Mrs. Moran on the trail today; she likes walking. I saw a man with a cane on the trail and a man and his dog. I do not know what else to say about my bike ride today other than that I had a lot of energy and that I went at a decent pace for anyone.

Last night, I listened to two Bach cello suites. I like the sound of the cello, and this is an instrument that I think that I have never played. I played the violin, trumpet, and piano but never the cello. Yesterday I went to the Windsor Public Library and picked up some CDs. I got some Bach and Vivaldi. A black woman who was kind of plump and who had an energetic and positive temperament helped me. I asked her, “Can I look at some CDs?” She asked, “You want to look at them?” I said “Yeah.” She opened them and told me to close them after I finished though I forgot to close them.

She wished me a nice day when she had checked out the CDs. When I was looking through the CDs, there was what seemed a high-school boy and girl near me, and the boy said that he would like to read The Hobbit. The girl was wearing an Adidas windbreaker. The library is always noisy, and there are always kids running around there. The library is a good thing for the town of Windsor, but

there could be tons of improvements to it, like a bigger physical plant and a quieter atmosphere.

Today is a really nice day. The sun is out, but the temperature is not too high. There are not many birds in the yard right now, and I also do not see any rabbits. I do not really know what else to say in this entry, as I have run out of topics to discuss. Last night, I watched a movie called Romancing the Stone in which a woman finds a treasure map and goes looking for the treasure, a huge green gem. She finds it with the help of a man. The movie ends happily, when the man kills the alligator that ate the gem. He buys a new boat and then finds the woman. They probably will sail around the world, and the couple will live happily ever after. There is nothing much on the news except that a Russian submarine was trapped on the bottom of the sea, and there will be an attempt at rescuing the passengers.

I guess that I could talk about what I have been eating. For lunch I almost always have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I also have a piece of fruit, usually a banana. For breakfast I have cereal and orange juice, and for dinner I have various things. Last night I had swordfish, corn, and green beans. I do not much like salmon, but I used to. I do not know why I do not like it anymore.

Sometimes there is shrimp. Other dinner foods include sole, flounder, Irish stew, diﬀerent kinds of soup, and chicken. At night I usually have some ice cream and yogurt. This is the deal with the foods that I eat.

I am starting this page with a new paragraph. What I used to call obsessions are, I think, symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Last night I was forced to wait until the computer booted up and to flip my light switch on and oﬀ lots of times. Those are just some examples of what I feel forced to do.

Still, I do not think that they are bad enough that I have to get medication for them. Last night was particularly bad relating to these obsessions because I was annoyed over getting disconnected to the Internet. While reading I have to read over certain passages. I am through talking about these behaviors, and I would like to discuss something more uplifting.

I have not looked over Latin or Greek lately. I remember working on Cicero last year, and doing the pro Caelio. I have done little work this summer on Latin or Greek. If I return to college this fall, I will probably be pretty rusty at it. In the pro Caelio, Caelius was being charged with an oﬀense. I think that Cicero’s pro Caelio is a defense speech. Cicero refers much to Caelius’s young age. Now is about time to pack up and go. I think that I will stick to keeping the monitor towards me from now on. I hope that the reader is doing well. It is a good thing that I do not feel dizzy from looking at the screen. I am about ready to throw in the towel. I hope that the reader is with me, and maybe the reader will see that my journal is better or maybe worse. I am oﬀ now though. Bye bye.

Thursday, August 17 2000

I did not write yesterday though maybe I should have. I am thinking about returning to Trinity though I do not know if this is a good idea. I wonder how I would do if I returned there. I have been thinking a lot about it. I suppose that I would do well there. I looked in the course schedule over the Internet. The courses in Greek and Latin meet late enough for me to attend them. Trinity is going to do a lot of building in the coming years, and they are going to build on the library and on the street outside of Trinity. Trinity’s website is very nice. I wonder if it is too late to return to Trinity, and I still might be able to. The only thing holding me back from going is my obsessive disorder, yet this does not interfere much with things.

If I returned to Trinity, I would take Greek and Latin. I think that I could easily handle two courses even though they are advanced. My mom does not want me to take a third course though I might even be able to handle three courses. The library is going to look nice when it is finished. Trinity’s endowment is over three hundred million dollars. Kids from Trinity come from all over the world. There is so much going for Trinity, which seems also to be big on information technology.

Yesterday, I was only able to read for about forty minutes together. My going to see the psychiatrist yesterday, I guess, must have taken up most of my energy. My revealing to him a psychotic thought I did not even do recently in my journal. I wanted to read more yesterday, but I was not able to. Yesterday was a flop in terms of academics. I went on the Internet for about an hour, but that cannot be termed academics. Still, it means something that on the Internet I did look in the course schedule for Trinity.

I am still reading the Aeneid. I am reading about the war between the Trojans and the natives. I just finished the book in the Aeneid about Nisus and Euryalus, who went from their Trojan camp to slaughter the enemy at night, when they were either asleep or drunk. They had killed many men and taken some spoils before they were spotted by the enemy, and I think that among the spoils they had gotten was a belt studded with gold. Nisus and Euryalus put up a good fight, but they were outmanned and killed. One of their mothers found out about her son’s death and then started wailing and crying in front of the Trojan army, and they became demoralized as a result.

The fierce Turnus, whom I dislike, killed many Trojans. He was inside their gates alone, yet the whole army was afraid of him until one of the Trojans brought sense into them. He said that a whole army should not fear one man, so they chased Turnus to a river. Turnus was sweating profusely, and he jumped into the river, which brought him to safety to his own camp. During the battle, Aeneas’ son, Anchises, killed his first man, for which Apollo praised him.

He wanted to keep fighting, but was told not to. The next book is called “Pallas and Mezentius.” Vulcan’s wife before had convinced Vulcan to make a great shield for Aeneas, and Vulcan summoned up all his workers to build this. On the shield were murals. A goddess delivered the shield to Aeneas in the sky. I

think that Aeneas knew that this was going to happen some time or another. I am getting along in the Aeneid, but there is still a lot to go.

The Aeneid is a good book though I cannot see any of the events that happened in it to happen today. Everything in the book is antiquated from weapons to means of communications. Religion is primitive, and there are no computers. Still, the book is by no means boring, and the book’s writing is by no means antiquated. Virgil was undoubtedly a great poet and author. The role of religion was huge in Rome. Many gods were mentioned in the Aeneid. In the literature of the Greeks and Romans, many gods were mentioned. Of course, the pantheon of the gods was diﬀerent for the Romans than for the Greeks. I do like the Aeneid, and I hope that I will continue to like it.

Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist appointment as scheduled, and I told him that I had recently gotten over some psychotic thoughts. I also told him that I went on the Internet to look at a schizophrenia website. He said good for me.

He did not have much feedback on what he thought schizophrenia was though I mentioned what I had read. Mr. Bozzuto has been on vacation. He said that he went to Martha’s Vineyard and that he saw the sun only one day. I mentioned a psychotic thought that I had during my psychosis. He thinks that I should return to college. His oﬃce is very clean and nice. I sit in a leather chair.

I rode my bike today. I did three loops of the River Trail, and I passed a lot of people, including one runner, who I think was dressed in blue shorts and a blue T-shirt. The blue was light blue though not as light as baby blue. I passed a woman in sunglasses and a man who was carrying a notepad and who had nice shoes. I passed a rich-looking couple. I think that the man in the couple smiled at me when I passed them the first time, and the couple was in an embrace when I passed them the second time. I saw two huge fish in the marsh. There is a lot of algae floating on the water of the marsh. I did have a pretty good amount of energy on the trail today. There were more people on the trail than there have been lately.

My bike is still in good shape though my tires need more air in them. I think that biking is good exercise though running gives a better exercise. The most diﬃcult part of my bike ride is at the very end, when I have to ride up the hill beside my house. Today was a beautiful day to ride a bike. I was actually pretty cold in the beginning of the bike ride because it is pretty cool out. Today was more like a day in autumn than a day in the summer though I soon warmed up when I got warmed up. Pretty soon it will be autumn, and I just hope that I will be in school then.

I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s house this weekend. I did not see them last weekend because my mom was sick. I do miss them, and I hope that I can go to my grandparents’ house this weekend. Tonight I plan on reading for a half hour, and then tomorrow I can look forward to more reading than I will have completed today. I do not think that I will use the Internet tonight, but I will watch television like I did last night. Now is the time to end

this entry. Today I obviously wrote with the monitor on. I hope that the reader has luck in whatever he or she does. I probably need some luck too, and I hope that things will be all right for me this fall. Bye bye.

Friday, August 18 2000

I recently got home from a bike ride. Today I have been awfully lethargic. I have still been thinking about returning to college, and I think that it would be a good idea to go. My obsessions would not hinder me too much. I am still reading the Aeneid, and yesterday I read it for about an hour and a half though I was only able to read it for about forty minutes today. I feel depressed. I do not know if I should write with the monitor towards me or not. Today is rainy.

Maybe I should be reading right now. Maybe I should write a book about my experiences. If I did that, though, I would have to tell about my psychotic thoughts. My obsessions are still annoying. I am pretty depressed right now. I do not know what to do about college. I am not really depressed, but just am tired out. I kind of wish that I was in college. I have done practically no work on classical languages over the summer.

Still, I could probably return to college if I wanted to. I do not see any hope for me unless I do go to Trinity. I can think all I want, but if I do not go to college, I do not see any hope for me. I need actions instead of words. I need courage. I did three loops of the River Trail, but stopped on the hill, as it had started pouring. I do not think that the Windsor Library will be open this weekend. Surprisingly, last night I did not take out the Saab.

I feel awfully tired. I did not feel like riding, but I did. I had to bite the bullet, and there was nothing else to do. There is nothing to do here at home but watch television. I wish that I had something to do, but I can at least read something and ride my bike. Yet if only I could have energy. I have no energy on this medicine. Zyprexa keeps me asleep late into the morning. I do not see how I can go to college with this medicine. Yet if I do not try, I never will know. There is a line from Aaliya that goes, “If you do not succeed, lift yourself up and try again.” I see the depressing bus passing. I think that I would be happier if I was actually in college.

I think that I might just be happier if I was at Trinity. I did not use the Internet yesterday, and most of the Internet is just junk really. There is nothing important on the Internet. For example, I went to the CERN website, and everything was basically only for the community. Websites are all about making money or having publicity; there is not much good stuﬀ out there.

Right now the darkness level would indicate eight o’clock at night instead of the afternoon. The air and sky are dark. I would not mind writing a fantasy novel. I just do not have the energy to do much of anything. I wish that I had the energy of a regular twenty-three year old and that I could play tennis or run. Yet I am lucky to be able to do what I do and to do these things as well as I can. I wish

that I had someone around whom I liked and that I had some friend. I can no longer play the trumpet or the piano. Still, I can write and read. I can also ride my bike and take in the sights on the ride. I feel like I have entered the house of woe. I feel awfully lazy right now.

Aeneas is on a killing rampage in the Aeneid right now. Pallas, the son of Evander, was killed. Aeneas is destined to fight Turnus. I know who wins, and the reader can guess too. Aeneas has allies other than his men on his side.

Turnus is fierce and cruel, and for these qualities he dies in the end of the book. I am interested in reading St. Augustine or Thomas Aquinas sometime soon. They talk about God, whom I believe in and highly respect. God has helped me through my trials and tribulations, and I remain intact and alive as of now.

St. Augustine wrote Confessions and The City of God among other works.

Without God, I would not be where I am today. There is a great grace of God that I look up to. I still think that there is some truth to the psychotic thoughts that I have had, and there is a bit of truth in everything really. My back kind of aches right now. I have been in the mental hospital several times. I might be heading there again, but I certainly hope not. I hate it in there, and how they take blood tests from your arm. They take away one’s humanity in the process of taking blood.

I think that I should return to Trinity College, but the question is if I will be allowed to this semester. I probably will be able to, but I might not be able to still. Tonight, I would like to read the Aeneid for about an hour. If I cannot read the Aeneid, I do not know what I will do. Now that I have written this entry, though, I feel that I really should read the Aeneid tonight. I cannot just write without reading. Trinity starts up in about two weeks, and I want to be there for the start of classes.

Now is about time to conclude my entry. If I do not return to Trinity, then I will probably be lacking in bravery. I should use the examples of the men in Virgil, who showed great courage in war. I have everything to gain by going to Trinity College, so I probably should go. I wish the reader a fine day, and I certainly hope that later I will be able to read the Aeneid. Soon I will be finished with that book, and then maybe I will move on to Homer’s war book. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 20 2000

I am thinking about returning to Trinity College. I am by no means sure of anything, but I think that returning to college is the right thing to do. Trinity is quite a good college, and I am a part of it. I finished the Aeneid yesterday, and now I am reading Kim by Rudyard Kipling. I have been thinking a lot about returning to college. I think that I should take Greek and Latin this semester and that I would be able to do well in these subjects. I would have Professor Macro for both classes. He is smart, but not exactly the socialite. So there are plusses and minuses in Professor Macro.

I think that returning to college is a good idea, and I would profit mentally in many ways from it. However, I also like staying at home and reading my own things, yet I have to act like a grown man and take on tasks. I already have twenty-three and one half credits. I am pretty sure that I need only twelve and one half credits to graduate. If I do well this semester, I could go up to three credits in the next semester. I just do not know if I will be able to return and am not sure if it is too late to do so. I would have to have some pull.

The problem is financial aid. One has to have the money in by a certain time. I am not sure if it is too late though my will seems to be here. I think that it would be a good idea to return. I would hate to wait till the winter semester to go when my will is here to go in the fall. I do not want to be the only person in Greek class, as I did not like that last year. Also, in Greek we will be doing Sophocles. I have read the Oedipus trilogy at Loomis and on this year oﬀ. I do not know how rusty I am at Latin and Greek. The last time that I was in Latin or Greek class was in October or November of last year. Still, the skills stay with one, or at least I hope that this is the case. I hope that I will be able to handle the work.

Today is really beautiful. I wore a sweatshirt on my bike ride today, as it was quite cool out. Today is sunny though. I rode three loops. There was a virtual city on the River Trail, and I passed tons of bikers. I cannot even remember all of the people whom I saw. I surprisingly did not see any dogs, but I saw tons of children. There were many children either walking or riding their bikes, and I passed a group of young women, who looked over at me as I passed them and who at one point were sitting down on the trail though none of them said “Hi” to me.

There were tons of bikers. I had to say “Hi” twice. I said “Hi” both to a young man riding his bike and to a lady, who later smiled at me and who, I think, was the mother of a motley-looking boy near her. I passed a couple who was embracing right on the bridge. Therefore, they had public displays of aﬀection. They looked young like about college age. I wore my blue Nautica sweatshirt and my black Adidas soccer shorts. I got kind of warm at the end of my bike ride.

Yesterday I finished reading the Aeneid, which ends with Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. Aeneas sees the spoils of dead Pallas on Turnus. “This is for Pallas,” he says essentially, and he sends a sword right into his enemy. The book ends with the death of Turnus. Juno had begged her husband, Saturn, to let the people of Italy keep their old names, and I am only guessing that this means that they will always be called Latins, not Trojans. Saturn agreed, but he of course did not change the ending of Turnus and the victory for Aeneas and his people. There had been a peace at one point near the end of the book, but the peace, unfortunately, was broken with a spear toss.

Battle raged until the death of Turnus. I think that Aeneas will marry Lavinia, who is King Latinus’s daughter. The queen killed herself with a rope noose in the battlements. At the battle between Turnus and Aeneas, both receive

divine aid. Aeneas got divine aid to let his spear free from a tree. Yet the end was moved towards quickly yesterday, it seemed, and proud Turnus finally died. I am reading Kim now. Kim has met a Hindu priest, who is searching for the River of the Arrow, and Kim decides to go with him on his journey. He begs for food for the priest and begs for money for their journey, and I think that he obtains three rupees from a man who dealt with horses.

Yesterday, I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Mamaw was talking to my aunt Jane for a while about the furniture set that got Mamaw and Popee $6,800. My dad mowed their lawn, and Popee and I played some ping-pong and had some great points. Then we talked in the basement. Popee asked me about returning to college. He asked me if I really wanted to go, and what classes I would take.

He thinks that the more communication that I have with my parents and teachers the better. I do like visiting my grandparents, and last night I guess that I had trouble sleeping because I was still kind of excited about visiting them. My dad drove there. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s right now, and my sister is at work. Tomorrow I am going to print about a month’s worth of my journal.

I do not know how things will turn out. If I cannot return to college, then hopefully I will be able to continue reading. Even if I do not return to college, I still will be able to educate myself here at home. I sure hope that the financial- aid oﬃce can do some quick calculations and let me back this semester. If they do not do so, then I might have to wait till winter term begins to go.

Tonight, I would like to read for about an hour. Kim is a pretty good book in which about a page was totally cryptic to me about the horse man’s oﬃcial business relating to his country. Tonight I also hope to watch some television, and the Olympics will be on soon, as it said on this week’s TV Guide. I noticed the TV Guide on the kitchen table among other things there. I will tell my mom soon about my decision to return to Trinity. I have not decided yet, but I am getting close to deciding. I got far too much sleep last night, but I hope to get less tonight.

Well, my time is about up. No, this is not a psychiatrist session, this is my journal. There is a big diﬀerence for me between an entry and a meeting. The entry is better. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she can give to me support in thought concerning my returning to college this semester. I hope that I am able to return both in mind and with the nod from Trinity College. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, August 21 2000

I cannot seem to decide whether to go to Trinity, but there is no reason why I should not go. I still cannot get myself up for going though I certainly would like to go. I called Mary Thomas today, but she was not in her oﬃce. I find it so hard to make up my mind whether to return to college. I really think that it

is in my best interest to go, but I really find it hard to get out. I have got to just force myself to go. My future is not bright if I do not go to college. I just find it so incredibly diﬃcult to get the motivation to go. Maybe it would be best not to go. Someone can easily see the type of arguments running through my head.

I think that it would do me good to return to college. I can set all those never wishers to rest. There is no reason not to go to Trinity. I know that I am not saying much, but I find it hard to just think. I am so anxious about returning to college. I guess that I should really return. I just do not know if I will be able to. I think that I should try going though.

I read Kim for about an hour today. I might not even be able to return to college, and I just do not know what to do. I have a hard time deciding, but I guess that I should not go if I get all riled up over it. There is part of me that wants to go, and part that does not want to. I do not even know if I will be able to go. Today is a beautiful day. I think that I should go to college, but now I am going to stop writing as this is not helping any. I guess that I should keep writing, yet maybe I need some time oﬀ to think. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, August 22 2000

Yesterday, I thought a lot about returning to college. I nearly drove myself crazy thinking about it. I have decided as of now not to return. I just feel that I cannot take on that much pressure right now. I do not want to do too many tasks. I nearly drove myself crazy yesterday thinking about it. Everything would just be easier if I did not go. Yesterday I could not even finish my journal because of my mind turning over and over the decision it had to make. I do not want to go if my mind turns around and around in this fashion. It is not worth it.

Today I read Kim for about an hour. This is a simple book to read and is almost a children’s book. I do not want to think about school today. I am going to miss college, and the thing that I will miss most of all is being around people. I am not going to miss the academics, however, for I can teach myself here at home. Trinity was a great place to be. I do not know if I will ever return there.

Writing while looking at the computer is not exactly the best way to write, as the computer screen kind of zones one out. I slept very well last night. I feel bad about not returning to Trinity, but thinking about returning drives me up a wall.

I am reading Kim by Rudyard Kipling. The book is about Kim, who is white but who has so far lived as a beggar in India. Some white military oﬃcers found him and have sent him to a boarding school. Kim had been with a lama, who was looking for the River of the Arrow, which is a river that the lama believes will wash away one’s sins when gone in. The white men take Kim in though he does not want to go with them. He does not want a formal education, and he likes to eat alone. While the lama had been looking for the River of the Arrow, Kim had been looking for a sign that I think his father said to watch out for in his life.

He was looking for a red bull on green fields. He found what he was looking for in the white men’s flag of a red bull on green fields. The lama has provided the money, I forget how, for the boarding school. Kim has an escort to the school, which is supposed to be pretty nice. White men are called sahibs in India. Although Kim is a sahib, he has grown up an Indian beggar, and I think that he is caught between being a sahib or an Indian. The lama supports Kim going to school, but Kim wants to be with the lama in his search for the River of the Arrow. The novel does not have much of a plot, except for telling about this boy. Kim and the lama are obviously very close. I should finish the book pretty soon, for it only has about 250 pages.

God has helped me through thus far not to get psychotic. I believe that He will always be there for me, and I praise Him highly. I believe that everyone has a changeable fate and that each gets what each deserves. I believe that He comforts those who suﬀer. He helps all people, and He certainly has helped me. All I can say is that everyone should believe in God.

I did ride my bike today. I was almost bitten by a black dog. I was riding past two attractive women, when their dog barked and went after me. The two young women were surprised that their dog did this. They called their dog a name that sounded like “Lion.” I passed a man who had two fine-looking dogs, which looked like they should have been in a dog show. The guy was lethargic- looking. I saw two huge dark fish in the marsh. I do not know how they swam there, and they were near the surface of the murky water. I do not much like writing on this computer, but I suppose that writing while I watch the screen helps with organization some. My bike is still in good shape.

I rode three loops. I passed a motley-sounding truck driver, who was cackling at some remark made by a hoodlum with his dog. It shows that they had been there a long time that I saw them at the start and end of my ride. The truck was stopped on the side of the road, and the man with the dog was talking to the truck driver from across the street. There is a lot of makeover being done to Geissler’s supermarket and a building that will house a new restaurant. There are not many nice cars in Windsor, and I have not seen a Mercedes-Benz here in a while.

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Last time I was in Mr.

Bozzuto’s quarters he conveyed the idea that I should return to college. Since then I have thought about it, but decided not to go. Last night, I listened to Haydn’s Ninety-Fifth Symphony and the second movement of Beethoven’s Third Symphony called “Eroica.” I had been listening to selections from Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty, ballet music from Tchaikovsky that was so slow that it might not even be considered music.

Tonight I suppose that I will listen to Mozart’s Thirty-Fifth Symphony called “Haﬀner” and his Fortieth Symphony. Last night I asked my mom if she or my dad could buy me two CDs. I think that I should have some new music to listen to. Now is about time to write my conclusion. Now is the about the time to

stop writing. I am lucky to have written an entry today. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Kim for about an hour. Now I am oﬀ, but not before wishing the reader a good day as I am doing now. Bye bye.

Thursday, August 24 2000

I recently got home from a bike ride, and I had a very good ride. I was thinking of writing from now on in a notebook. I shut down the computer and began writing in the notebook, but I found that it was too slow. So, today I have started my entry on a slow note. This entry is only going to be about fifty minutes long. Still, today I will basically write a full entry. I did not really want to write an entry on the computer, but now I think that doing so would be the best thing. I am almost through reading Kim, and I might finish the book tomorrow.

I read some parts that seemed confusing to me today. The book is quite short to me. Kim’s adventures are interesting, and he has been to a lot of places in India in his life. Some people in India do not go by a name but by a letter and a number. For example, one man goes by the name E and then a number. It is a bad thing really that Kim has done drugs; he smokes opium like all the rest of the characters. I guess that smoking opium is common in India, but I do not see how anyone can call himself holy if he or she smokes opium. There was a man who took opium capsules, for he said that that helped allay his hunger. If one is hungry I would think that the last thing that he or she would do would be to take opium.

Kim and the holy man are out to find the River of the Arrow. The lama admitted that he could not find it without his disciple, or chela (which is another name for disciple). Kim is through with school at St. Xavier’s. He still thinks of himself sometimes as a white man, or sahib. Sahib is an Indian name for a white man. One name that I think is annoying is goy, which is the name Jewish people give to non-jews. I think that names that stem from hate are wrong. I am not sure when I will actually go to the bookstore.

I might go to the bookstore next week, and I might go on Monday. I want to buy some books by some religious men. I want to get some books on God by St. Augustine like Confessions though I might end up reading Homer’s the Iliad next. I remember that I liked St. Augustine and Plotinus among others in the Introduction to Philosophy class that I had with Dr. Hyland at Trinity College. I think that I liked Marcus Aurelius too though, I think, that I liked St. Augustine’s works the best.

God guides me along the way. The only thing about reading Homer is that he is a pagan. Some people have obsessions over learning ancient languages. If these languages can be translated into English, I see no big thing over learning them. I can only go at a snail’s pace through Greek and Latin like most other college kids. Still, there is a lot to be gained by translating works like Aristotle’s

Ethics into English. I would not devote my life to it, though, but would rather read works in English.

Today is a beautiful day. I had a very good bike ride. I saw a very friendly- looking group of girls and boys on the River Trail today, and rarely does one see such a nice-looking bunch of kids. I felt like walking along with them. They were well dressed and seemed caring. Three of the boys had bikes, which looked very modern with futuristic-looking frames. I think that I heard one of the girls ask why I had giants on my shirt. I think that I heard this once I passed them the last time around the trail, but I did not answer because the question took me by surprise.

I should have turned around and told them that it was the name of a band. Instead, I kept riding but noted that maybe the shirt was not fit to wear in public. The older people might know the name of the group, but teenagers would not know the name. They brightened my spirits up though only God can lift my spirits up a lot these days, and He alone has been there for me. If those kids were older, maybe they too could have lifted my spirits up, and I could have befriended them. As it stands, though, those well-behaved kids helped me out.

Yet I know not to be too quick to judge, and those kids might not have been as well behaved as I thought though I should look on things positively.

God does help me through any rough spot. I do believe in Him, but one must do more than believe in God. One must honor Him. God will be there for everyone, if everyone is there for Him. Nature comes from Him as well as all

Creation. I respect Him greatly, and look to Him always for guidance. Kim is a pretty decent book. I think that Kipling was born in Bombay, India in the nineteenth century, and he also wrote The Jungle Book and Captains Courageous. I read Kim for about two hours after my appointment. I almost did not go to my appointment yesterday, and I wanted to skip it until right when the time to go neared. I just did not feel like going out to the psychiatrist. I think that Mr.

Bozzuto cares about my welfare, and he generally acts pretty nice.

After I write this, I think that I will rest and then among other things watch television for a bit. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Kim for about an hour. Now is the time to conclude my entry. I am looking forward to getting some new books. I regret that I did not write for a full hour today though I generally wrote for about that long. Tomorrow I need to get a full entry in. My sister’s job at J. Crew is over with, and now she is looking forward to returning to Wheaton College as her tone on the phone makes clear. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Friday, August 25 2000

I did not go to the bookstore today. I think that when I finish Kim, I will read Anna Karenina. I think that my sister will go to college Sunday and that she is with friends right now. I got back recently from a bike ride. I read Kim for

about an hour today, and I am almost through with it and likely will finish it tonight. Last night, I listened to Haydn’s Trumpet Concerto and Organ Concerto. I thought about going to the bookstore, but I decided against it. I thought for a long time today about going, and, therefore, I started my reading late.

If I had gone, I probably would have bought some St. Augustine, Aristotle, Nadine Gordimer, and Virginia Woolf. I just did not have the energy or drive to go today. I am thinking that next I will read Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. I have already read it, but I liked it a lot. I hope that I like it still. I did not like War and Peace even though I have tried reading many times. I am taking a gamble betting on Anna Karenina, so I hope that I like it.

Right now I am at the end of Kim. Kim has rested from his diﬃculties in the mountains, where I think that he had to help the lama along. A Russian or a Frenchman punched the lama, whereupon Kim jumped on the man and kicked him in the groin. Kim took their loot, which included many letters and maps, and went away with the lama. The two men were in pretty bad shape afterwards, but I think that they survived. One of the men had torn up the lama’s sheet of paper with his sacred drawing on it, which I think might have been the so-called wheel of life. Kim has rested well in a place where an older woman in kindness has nursed him back to health. I think that the lama has found the River of the Arrow, which a man had to drag him out of to keep him from drowning.

The lama now says that he sees his end coming since he is getting older.

The lama and Kim might part at the end. Kipling seems to know a lot about India. The only mechanized mode of transportation in India at that time seemed to be the train since cars are never mentioned. The lama thought that he had done something wrong by staying in the hills, and he told Kim that he had given in to temptation. The place where Kim is staying now is very nice, and he is being given tons of good stuﬀ to eat. When he is preparing to leave the house of hospitality, he gives the woman a kiss. She is surprised, and Kipling says that Asiatic women are not used to such displays of aﬀection.

Today I did have a good bike ride, which was faster than usual, and I did three loops of the River Trail. There were tons of people on the trail today. There was one man who was quite annoying. I think that he might have been drunk, for when he said “Hi” to me, he kind of drawled it. He was carrying a grocery bag full of plastic bottles. There was a very attractive young woman reading on a bench on the trail, and she had on a nice necklace and sandals. Today was a great day to ride a bike, for it is quite hot but not scorching. Last night I did take out the Saab. The gas had been low Wednesday, but someone put some more gas in it.

Riding my bike is far more fun than driving the Saab. Nobody on the trail said “Hi” to me today except the guy who might have been drunk though the young woman turned her head. I am glad that I was able to get out and ride my bike today. Tonight I would like to finish Kim and to start Anna Karenina, which I hope that I like. My favorite book is The Brothers Karamazov, which I have read

two times. Therefore, I like Fyodor Dostoevsky as an author. I also like Goethe as an author, and to pick between them would be diﬃcult.

I like many authors really, and some I like more than others. I hope that there will be some major authors in the twenty-first century, but I think that this is a dark age really. Now is about time to finish writing. I am all tired out and annoyed, and I am glad that I can get over that. I hope that I can read tonight though I am not sure if I will be able to. Well, I am oﬀ, but not before wishing the reader a goodbye, which I am doing right now. Bye bye.

Sunday, August 27 2000

Yesterday, I went to Mamaw and Popee’s and to the bookstore. I read yesterday for a total of about a half hour. I read less yesterday than I have in a long time though yesterday I did ride my bike. Today I have read for an hour. Now my mom I think is talking on the phone. Last night one of my sister’s friends slept over. I rode my bike today.

Now I should get my thoughts organized. Yesterday I went to the bookstore and got a lot of books. I am reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain though Mark Twain might be an alias, thus he might want to escape the authorities. I do very much like the book, which is about a boy. Mark Twain lived in Hartford for some time. He is easy to read, but is a very solid author. I went in a part of his house once, but I did not have enough money to pay for a full tour. I think that Twain was born down South. I have read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn at Loomis, and I think that I remember liking the book. I also read a book after Loomis in which Mark Twain talks about writing and publishing. I am going to stop my writing now though I might write after dinner. Bye bye.

Monday, August 28

Somehow I managed to read today. I do not know whether I will be able to write long now, but I certainly hope that I will be able to. I am reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, and Huckleberry Finn is a character in this novel.

Since he is the son of the town drunkard, the parents do not want their children hanging around him. I do like the book, which is pretty short. My obsessions are still with me, and I wish that they were gone.

Mark Twain knows a lot about the life of children. Tom Sawyer is a child, and the book is about him and his child friends. He has a goody-goody brother named Sid. Tom likes this girl. He kisses her, but then mentions his old girlfriend. This gets the girl all shook up to crying, and he runs away from her.

Yesterday, I had a tough time just getting through. Last night in desperation really I went for a run, and that run is what helped me get through. The run went well though I had to put forth a huge eﬀort to keep going. I feel so

glad that today I was able to actually read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer for about an hour.

God is helping me get through this week. This Thursday I am going to print up my journal, which I have not printed in a long time. Well, I have not printed it for about a month and a half, so it is not that long of a time. After I read Mark Twain, I think that I will move on to Euripides, but I will bet that Euripides will be more diﬃcult to understand. The only thing that I dislike about ancient writing is that it is so predictable.

There is no hint of modern life in them. There is so much variety in modern life, yet the ancients in many ways have it better than the moderns. The moderns have to deal with computers and screens, and they are bombarded with so much technology, like cars and televisions. In Tom Sawyer, Tom and his friend Huckleberry have witnessed a murder in the graveyard: I think that a young doctor was killed. Tom likes collecting things, and he traded his tooth for a tick.

I think that that is disgusting. He and another boy divided up a small chalkboard with chalk, and when the tick crossed the line to one boy’s side, he could play with it.

I am not sure when Mark Twain wrote this book though I think that it was in the twentieth century. Saturday I bought two Mark Twain books. I also bought A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, and I am looking forward to reading that comedic book. I should not be that long reading Tom Sawyer. I feel a certain kinship towards Twain, for I have seen his house, which he had lived in in Hartford.

Today is a beautiful day. Today was great for biking. Only with God’s help was I able to turn a day that seemed to have little hope into a day that has turned out well. He has helped me through. He has allowed for the conditions for reading, riding my bike, and writing in my journal today. I owe Him everything. I did have a very good bike ride today. Last night, I had a good run, and I passed a runner who was keeping up a good clip. Yesterday I also saw Mrs. Simon, and I said, “Hi, Mrs. Simon.” “Hi Jonathan,” she said, and asked how I was. I said that I was doing well.

Today a man in a small vehicle was on the River Trail. He was a worker there, and while I was riding my bike, he caught up to me. He said something, but I could not make it out. He seemed friendly by his tone, and I said “Yeah” after he had said something. I was able to do three loops of the River Trail even though I think that I had been kind of tired from my run last night. I do have some stuﬀ to talk about that I did not get to in yesterday’s partial entry.

I saw Mamaw and Popee Saturday. Mamaw was talking a lot about real estate on the porch. Popee and I had played three games of ping-pong, and the first two games were rather close. Mamaw showed me a copy of a will by a man whose last name was Cobb. The will was quite long, actually, and it was written by hand. Mamaw was talking about the lot and house in Lincolnton.

My mom and grandparents were wondering when that house was built. I told Mamaw that I did not understand anything of what she had said, and she said that she did not understand it either. Popee told about his many tennis trophies and about how he used to bowl with some people at Pratt and Whitney. He probably was a better tennis player than a bowler. My mom did this really funny walk, which she saw in a comedy movie. When my mom and I left the house, Popee told her to remember that walk. My mom can be funny in a ridiculous sort of way. I am looking forward to seeing my grandparents this weekend.

I guess that I am not going to return to Trinity College. I just do not think that I am able to. This medicine and my illness prevent me from attaining my goals. Yet I guess that that might be false, for the goals I set for myself I am attaining. College is not the most important thing in life, but health is. I am keeping up my health. Yet I might not be doing that, for I maybe should be in a day-treatment place. Yet I am happy doing what I am doing now though I know that it is slightly antisocial. I do feel happy learning at home, and I feel safe doing what I am doing. I do not know if I feel safe, but I do not know if I would feel safe doing anything since I think that I am wary about getting psychotic in any situation. Today, I hope that I will be able to read for about an hour tonight after dinner.

Last night, I ran two loops of the River Trail. I also listened to Mozart’s “Linz” Symphony No.36 and Bach’s English Suite No.6. Tonight I think that I will listen to Mozart. I do like listening to classical music, but I find that I am only able to listen to it for about an hour or so. After that, I just cannot listen to music anymore, whereas with television I can watch that for about three and a half hours in all. Now is about time to quit my journal. I am glad that I was able to write today.

I hope that the reader is still with me. The reader is important, and my intuition of any reader reading this makes me feel like a better man for it. I hope that the reader is in a part of the world that is not too hot or too cold. I do feel, however, that if the reader likes his or her climate, I have no reason to pity them. I am oﬀ now, but I hope to read tonight. Since I have a psychiatrist appointment, I do not think that I will write tomorrow, but I hope to write a lot the rest of the week. Farewell, fair reader, and I hope that the reader sticks with me. I am oﬀ.

Bye bye.

Wednesday, August 30 2000

I recently got home from a pretty good bike ride, and I managed to do the full amount even though my chain got stuck. There were very few people on the River Trail today. I was surprised that I was able to fix my chain in about a minute. I had to book though to finish in time. I rode for about a half hour today. I was actually able to read today. I should finish Tom Sawyer soon. I do

not have much left to read. I do like the book, but I wonder if it is plausible what these kids did. Tom and Huck have a couple times snuck out at midnight and met. Once they went to the graveyard where they saw Injun Joe kill the young doctor with a knife. I am going to read some of Euripides’ plays next. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday, and that took all of the wind out of me for the rest of the day, as social situations are not my forte. I was only able to read about an hour yesterday, and I went riding too.

Last night I dreamt that I was in an auditorium. I kicked a bouncy ball, and it hit the side of the auditorium. When it bounced oﬀ, it formed a lovely thing resembling a kite. The kite was clear, and it floated around the auditorium like a living thing. The dream was complicated. I dreamt of Carol, Ann, and my mom too. I dreamt that I was on a vacation all alone and without my Zyprexa, but I felt pretty well and did not care about the medicine. I think that I sat down with Jon Hunt. We got to talking. I also dreamt that I was in an elevator-type machine.

The elevator stopped on a floor, where it was the rider’s task to find a way out. There were a lot of people on the floor sitting at tables, and nobody had ever found a way out. So, the atmosphere was oppressing. I quickly found some secret passages in the wall, which quickly rushed back to show other areas with, I think, still more people. I have very scary dreams about me being in a car driving on the highway, where there are scary bridges and miles of open space of highways.

Yesterday, I had to go to the psychiatrist. I did not do anything before going but watch television. I just felt depressed about going, for I do not really like driving on my own to Hartford or like talking for a long time. Also, I do not really know Mr. Bozzuto, so I do not feel comfortable talking to him. I would feel more comfortable talking to a family member. He always asks me what I am reading. He asked me what I was going to read next, and he suggested that I take a course on the Internet though I do not want to do so. His son Nick is a nice kid. Nick was on the cross-country team at Loomis, and he was a pretty good runner.

I found that going to the psychiatrist’s appointment took all of the energy out of me. I feel fine today, but that was only after a good night’s sleep and from a restful night last night. I just felt drained after my appointment yesterday. I have been watching the United States Open on television. Agassi won his first round match versus the NCAA champion Kim. I think that Serena Williams, Mary Pierce, Hingis, and Lindsay Davenport advanced to the second round. On the men’s side the winners were Richard Krajicek, Wayne Arthurs, and Todd Martin among others. Gustavo Kuerten was the second seed, and he was upset by the Australian qualifier Arthurs. I do like watching tennis, and I probably like watching tennis even more than regular shows and more than watching most movies.

Today is a nice day, and the sun is out in full force. Unfortunately, my obsessions are out in full force too. The day is great for exercise, and riding on

the River Trail was so peaceful. I like seeing all those tall trees and the running Farmington River. The river is partially dried up, and there are even some plants growing on the sand where the river is dried up. I feel bad for all of the dogs in Windsor’s dog pound. I pass the dog pound on my bike rides, and sometimes there are some well-behaved dogs there. I feel bad for all the dogs, and I kind of wish that I had a dog as a pet. There were hardly any people on the River Trail today. I saw only a couple of people walking together on the trail, but neither of them said “Hi” to me when I passed them. I should say that I look up to God.

Without Him, I truly would be nowhere. I remember Him every day, and I hope that I will always remember Him for the rest of my life. God is always there to look up to. God is apparent too in all of Nature. I am looking forward to reading St. Augustine’s Confessions, where he will talk about God.

I hope that tonight I will be able to take out the Saab. I have not taken out the Saab lately because of diﬀerent reasons though I hope that I will be able to take the car out tonight. I do like driving the car even though if I ever crashed it, I do not think that the airbag would work properly. The airbag light goes on in the car all the time. The Saab has slow pickup, yet compared to other cars it probably is about average to fast. If I had a Porsche on the other hand, I am sure that I would like the pickup. Someday, maybe this journal will be printed, and I will be able to make some money from its publication.

Then I could buy the Mark Twain house and live in Hartford. Actually, if I made a lot of money, I would probably buy a house in Avon or on Scarborough Street in Hartford. Tonight I hope that I will be able to watch some television. I would like to watch the news and some tennis, and to see Andre Agassi or Pete Sampras win the tournament. Andre Agassi is getting old, for he is twenty-nine or thirty years old though his game has been slipping. He has not had a good win over a top player in quite some time. I wish that I had the health to play tennis. The medicine I take does not allow me to play any sport well. I can, however, still write a mean journal entry.

I do like writing in the journal. Now is about time to say my farewells. I hope that tonight I will be able to read Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I guess that I owe my family a lot. Now I must end this entry, and my ending comes at a good time because I feel that to end now is the right thing to do. Tomorrow I hope that I will write. So, I will see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

Sunday, September 3 2000

I have not written in my journal for quite a long time. I have not been able to sleep well before last night. Last night I did sleep well, but I did not for the other nights. Today all I could think about was going to college, and I kept turning this over in my head. Now, however, I am not considering college as much. I do not really want to go to college right now. I do not want to have

teachers and the pressure of college. I do not want to return to Trinity College this semester.

Today I was able to read for an hour. I am guessing that ever since Wednesday, I have not read much. I am, however, reading an author who goes by the name Euripides and whom I like very much. I have read one of his plays already, and I am on Hecabe right now. I do like this play. I have read Andromache, and I liked that play very much. I think that Euripides was a role model for Shakespeare, and I can see why. Last night was the first night that I have slept well in a while. My schedule has been really crazy lately. Still, I do not think that I have fallen oﬀ too drastically. I will try to get back on track tomorrow. I hope that I will be able to read some and to write in my journal too.

I am going to cut this entry short tonight, and I will hopefully get back on track tomorrow. Today I read for about an hour and ran for about twenty-five minutes. My entry tonight is an update. I hope that Tuesday I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Lately, I have not really done much, but I have not been able to. I hope that I will be able to write some this week, and I intend to keep up this journal just as I have in the past. I am going to go now, but I will write tomorrow if I can pull oﬀ a night like I did last night. Bye bye.

Monday, September 4 2000

I just recently got home from a bike ride, and I got absolutely drenched. At the end of the ride, rain was pouring down extremely heavily. I got absolutely drenched. Today I thought about going back to Trinity College, but I have decided against it. I have thought about it a lot, and I cannot get the courage to go. This medicine and my disease contribute to making my return impossible. I just do not want to return there. Today I read an hour of Euripides. I had thought this morning of going to Trinity and getting a parking sticker for the Saab among other things though I cannot get going. There is so much against me. I feel like I would have to be Atlas to go to Trinity again. Yesterday, I thought about going to Trinity. I thought about it a lot, and the thinking interfered with my day. Now I have decided, though, and I have decided to stay home.

Today I was surprised on my bike ride by the rain, which came down so suddenly and in torrents. The rain was only temporary, though, as I do not think that it is raining right now. My parents are at Mamaw and Popee’s right now. I have not been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. My insomnia kept me from their house. For a string of days, I had not gotten much sleep at all. During these days, I was tired all the time. I could not do much of anything. For the past two days, however, I have slept pretty well, and I am picking up the pieces.

Euripides is going along pretty well. He writes plays. Still, I kind of wish that Euripides would have lived in the modern age because he could have written about televisions and computers. Euripides would probably have gotten all caught up in using the computer though. Today I finished the play Hecabe, and

now I think that I am reading a play called Suppliant Women. The play Electra is in the book too. Plays are all right, but I like novels better. I think that novels make one smarter than plays.

Today is really a beautiful day. The temperature is very nice. The temperature was great for a bike ride. I saw a couple on rollerblades. The woman had a nice figure. I also saw a lone man on rollerblades, and he might have had a tattoo on his right arm. I passed a family too, and they were by the picnic table that, unfortunately, is chained to a tree to prevent anyone from stealing it. I also saw a couple who looked kind of motley, and I say this because they were both smoking cigarettes. The man was just standing like a drunkard and staring at the river. He was smoking. The lady had a dog with her, which looked like one of those dogs that cause their owners to put up a “Beware of the Dog” sign.

I have not written a full entry since last Wednesday, so I might be kind of rusty. I guess that I do like Euripides, who reminds me of Shakespeare since there is murder in the plays. All plays seem to have death in them. The sky is dark, and it looks like it might rain. I hope that it does. I was able to get in about twenty-seven minutes of biking today. I did not enjoy riding through the rain today.

I was not in the mood to get drenched. If it was lightly raining, I would not have gotten drenched, and I would have felt all right. I got bombarded with rain, though, and my hair is still wet. I did not get the worst of it, though, as on the River Trail there were some people who were walking. As I passed them, they smiled at me as if to say that they liked getting drenched. I wish that I had not missed so much time through lack of sleep. I missed out on nearly a week. Still, today I working to erase those days or to get my mind back on track at least.

There was some benefit in my days of little sleep: I got a break from academics, and the break was one that I probably would not have taken had I been healthy.

The play Hecabe was pretty good. Hecabe used to be the Queen of Troy with Priam. She had a brave and fearless daughter named Polyxena, who, when the Greeks wanted to sacrifice her, told the Greeks that she need not be held because she wanted to die. She said that she would rather die than be a slave of the Greeks, who wanted to sacrifice her to honor the dead Greek hero Achilles. I cannot imagine these days any human sacrifice in an army. Hecabe said that she wanted to die too, but Odysseus said that he did not want her blood. She said that she was miserable. I liked the play Andromache as well. I will try to write a full entry today, but I do not think that I will be successful. I will leave now. I have written for about forty-two minutes. Tomorrow I will try to write a full entry. I wish that I did not have to go now. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, September 5 2000

I hope that I will be able to write a full entry today. Yesterday was an annoying concert that took up a lot of time, and it was too long. I am still reading Euripides, but it has gotten very boring. The play that I just read was quite boring. It was about Theseus getting back the dead bodies of the Argives for Adrastus. The Argives had lost a battle against the Thebans, and the Thebans would not return the dead bodies. During the play, there is a chorus consisting of old women who were grieving for their dead sons. They kept complaining and being annoying. The women were so depressing. They kept lamenting. Theseus did the right thing to get the dead bodies back and not to show these bodies to the women. The bodies were burned, and the women got to see their ashes.

There is some construction going on in Windsor on the street behind my house on the hill. I go down this street on my bike. Although I did get by the construction on the way down the hill, on the way home there was a construction vehicle in the way, so I had to go around through Windsor center. I passed some dreary characters in Windsor center. One woman was just standing by a tree next to the drugstore, and I do not even want to talk about the other people whom I saw in town.

There were not many people on the River Trail today. I saw a young couple, but I do not know if they were going out or anything. I rode pretty well today. I rode thirty-two minutes today, and this number is more than usual because I had to take a detour. Right now, I hear some noise from construction going on. I will try to keep writing. I am having the worst luck this week.

Actually, I have been sleeping well, so that is a blessing. God tends to keep me on the right track. God does everything right. I did ride pretty well today, and I kept up a decent pace. The river is pretty much dried up. Today is a beautiful day, and quite cool. I had to wear a long-sleeved shirt to keep warm.

Obviously, I did not go to college today, and I cannot help thinking that maybe I should have gone though I do not know if I want to do Greek or Latin. I like English best, and all of those Greek and Latin classics can be translated into English. I am interested in getting some Aristotle to read. There are many Greek and Latin works that are very good to read though it would take forever for me to read them in English. I wonder what those construction workers are doing out there. There are several of those yellow-metal construction vehicles outside.

The next book that I am going to read is Faust by Goethe. I have read this already, but I did not have a copy of this book. I recently bought a copy. The book is in German and English.

I also bought Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe, which should be similar to Goethe’s poem. I might not read Doctor Faustus, though, for one has to read all the notes at the bottom of every page to read it. I am writing this entry on my iMac, and the screen is on so there will probably not be any spelling errors. I have entirely skipped college today. Euripides lived over two thousand years ago and did not have any of modern technology, and I do not think that there were many colleges then though there was the academy.

Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Euripides for about a half hour.

Next week, I will do more reading. I had a very good night’s sleep last night. Some corporate executives go without sleep for a night, but I am just the opposite. I had many good dreams last night. I dreamt that I could jump really high and far. I dreamt that I had to get ready for a cross-country race, and I was the fastest by far. I had trouble tying my shoes, and the race was ready to begin. I was thinking that though I was the fastest, I might have trouble turning at the turns because I would jump so high. Since I would jump so high, I would run in the air, not doing any good. I would be able to leap, and all that running in the air did not get me too far on the ground. I had to find a way to keep on the ground so that all my power could go to good use. Today on my ride, my chain fell oﬀ the cogs, and I had to put the chain back on the cogs though this did not take long.

Yesterday was Labor Day, and my parents did not have work though both my parents are working today. Although my mom could easily get a promotion, she does not want to, and I think that she should try to get a promotion. She is smart and should get a raise at least. Today is the first day of school for Loomis Chaﬀee, and everyone is hustling and bustling over at Loomis today. The teachers and students are all nervous, and everyone is starting a new year. I do not have a vacation, though, and I work every day. Although I might not work as long as the kids at Loomis or the young men and women at Trinity, I am consistent, and my spirit is there.

The United States Open tennis tournament is going on, and I am hoping that Sampras will win the whole thing. I think that the American Jan Michael is in the hunt too. Yesterday, Davenport was cruising against Henin. I hope that the American Davenport wins the entire tournament. She will have a tough time beating the Williams sisters and Hingis, who is seeded first in the tournament.

Sampras beat Lee yesterday, and I think that he will face Krajicek next. He has a three and six record against Krajicek, so the match will be tough. Last night, Lleyton Hewitt played Thomas Enqvist. The doubles team of Sanchez-Vicario and Martina Navratilova beat Jennifer Capriati and Anna Kournikova. I have obviously watched a lot of tennis. Corretja and Moya were also playing last night.

Maybe I have been watching too much tennis. I have not watched much else lately, as the coverage of the United States Open is pretty much nonstop.

Last night I listened to Carmina Burana by Carl Orﬀ, and I do like that piece. Orﬀ is known only for this long piece. I kind of miss Trinity College already, but I feel better just staying at home. I do not have to deal with my obsessions, teachers, and getting up early in the morning. What it comes down to is that I am lazy and cowardly though I want to go. I am not totally a bad person though, for in truth my illness and my medicine also hinder me from going to Trinity College. If a new pill comes out soon that will cure this illness, then no doubt I will be able to go to Trinity College.

After writing this, I will rest and watch some television. I hope that there will be some tennis on this afternoon. Thankfully, I was able to get in a full entry today. God steered me in the right direction. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to get in a full entry as well. I am oﬀ now, but not before wishing the reader a heartfelt goodbye. I hope that tonight I will be able to read Euripides for a half hour. I am oﬀ now, fair reader. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

Thursday, September 7 2000

I got really sick yesterday. I threw up a lot though I feel better today. I am thinking about returning to college, and I might actually return there though I do not know if I will. I got really sick last night. I did not get much sleep. Professor Macro called today, and thankfully I was sick. I should not say that thankfully I am sick anytime. There is a lot of construction going on outside the house. I kind of wish that I did not get sick yesterday night. I felt really terrible.

Yesterday, I read Euripides for an hour.

Yesterday I went to the Windsor Public Library, where I presumably picked up the illness. I picked up a woman there. I am just kidding. I picked up some CDs. I could not write because I kept thinking about going back to Trinity College. I was also thinking about writing a book about my experiences, and I started an outline yesterday of a supposed book for about fifty minutes. Today is a beautiful day though I do not think that I will ride my bike today. This morning, my dad made me some good soup with some egg whites in it. I feel a whole lot better right now than I did last night, when I was basically in convulsions.

Professor Macro called me today, and I guess that he wants to see me. My dad talked to him, not me. My Trinity College teachers are pulling for me to return to college. If this continues, I will be quite a celebrity. Also, if my teachers are pulling for me this much, I should probably go to college. Still, not necessarily. I am going to be through with Euripides soon, and then I will read Faust if I am not in college. There are a whole bunch of schools in the United States, according to the news. I think that there are over one hundred thousand schools in the United States. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. I still have time to return to college. I wonder if Professor Macro will call me again. My journal has lagged for the past week, but that is not really my fault. The past week health-wise has been the worst in a while. Still, I was not suﬀering acutely. I brought back a Mozart piano sonata yesterday, and I regret doing so. I liked this sonata very much. I feel kind of sick still from my illness yesterday. I groaned a lot last night.

I have been thinking a lot about what to do with myself, and I had been thinking of writing a book or going to college. I would like to return to college if I can, and the question is if I am healthy enough. I was woken up this morning by the sound of those construction vehicles. There is construction going on like

constantly. Yesterday, I brought back the CDs that were due Tuesday, and I liked that batch of CDs. If I had a stereo, I could copy them to tapes though I know that that is illegal. I am sure that everybody does it though. Copying video tapes is another matter. Looking at this screen kind of makes me sick, so I might have to quit writing earlier than planned though I will try to keep on writing.

The CDs are due at the end of the month. I have had a tough time writing in this journal for the past week though I hope that that will change. To eat today I have had soup and yogurts. I also had a peach to eat and water. I feel kind of tired right now, and I do not know if I will have the energy to do anything else today after I finish my journal. I did not ride my bike yesterday, and this has also faltered the past week. I hope that I will be able to pick myself up again.

Next week I will print out my journal for the past two months. My stomach was in terrible shape last night. Like I said, I did not get much sleep last night.

I am reading a play in Euripides called Trojan Women, and I just started it yesterday after finishing Electra. Electra and Orestes killed their mother Clytemnestra, who killed their father to marry Aegisthus. Clytemnestra is a devious woman. The play was pretty bloody. I hope that I will continue writing in my journal for times to come. There was a time this year when I did not write in my journal, and the gap was a month or two between entries. I think that it is important to write in my journal, which gives me a voice. I watched the United States Open last night. Lindsay Davenport crushed Serena Williams. Davenport looked good on the court last night, and she had to be good to defeat Serena, who is the defending champion of the Open. I am feeling kind of tired right now.

This afternoon I think that I will watch some television. I need rest. Sometimes I feel that I could do better things with my time than what I do. I do not know what I would do today if I did not have my journal to write in.

I am not wearing shorts or a T-shirt right now because it is cold. I am wearing Polo jeans and a long-sleeved running shirt. The Polo jeans, which I think my parents got me at Marshall’s, were bought at a major discount. I used to shop at Marshall’s all the time when I was younger. My dad brought me soup on a tray for my breakfast. I had the chance to eat two kids’ yogurts in flavors watermelon and cherry. They should have watermelon yogurt for older people too. I am feeling kind of dizzy right now. The screen undoubtedly makes me feel this way. I hope that I am not making a mistake by writing this now. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. Today I will watch the United States Open.

Pete Sampras won against Krajicek, and I am hoping that Sampras will win the whole tournament. He will have to win against Lleyton Hewitt, who is an Australian teenager, and Sampras is old by comparison. I have been in bed for quite some time, but now I feel better. I am looking forward to resting this afternoon. Now is about time to write my conclusion. I am kind of glad that I wrote here today, yet with writing today the idea for a book has disappeared.

Coming up are the Olympic Games, which the United States will probably dominate. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader will continue reading my

journal, as I plan on continuing it for times to come. I hope that the reader is doing well. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, September 9 2000

I did not do much of anything today. I have been feeling poor mentally. I do not even know how long I will last tonight. Today I went to the library though. I had a poor dinner. I feel pretty poor mentally. I do not know how long I will last tonight. I have watched a lot of television today. At the library I took out some CDs, and there was a very attractive woman who was working there and who was dressed really nice. My day has been chaotic with nothing to do. I am caught in a tailspin, and I cannot do much of anything. I was not able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, but I will try to go tomorrow. I do not know what is wrong with me, but it is something psychological. I might be going crazy, who knows, though I certainly hope that I am not. I hope to see my grandparents tomorrow.

I am glad that I made it to the library today. It rained a lot today. The construction seems to be finished. I think that summer is over. I do not know what the fate of this journal is going to be. I do not know if I will be put back in the loony bin. I certainly feel rather poor. At this rate I will not make it to my psychiatrist appointment. I hope that I will be able to go to my grandparents’ house soon. My life has fallen apart lately, and I simply do not know what to do.

Yesterday I rode for about nineteen minutes, and I felt absolutely terrible physically. I had no energy. I enjoyed the ride, but I was in poor shape for exercise. Today I do not even have the energy to exercise. I have not been able to read much either. I am reading Faust by Goethe, which is pretty good. Today I have been watching tennis, and I saw part of Martin’s match against Safin. I also saw part of Sampras’s match versus the young teenage Australian. The day is pretty dreary actually. Still, I am glad that I am here writing. At least I am able to last through writing this, and maybe this signals hope ahead. Yesterday, I think that I was able to read for about an hour and forty minutes. I am glad that God has been nice to let me write today. I do like writing, and I hope to continue writing as long as I live, which might not be a long time.

The woman I saw at the library had golden hair and a slim and tall body. She had an energetic personality and said some nice things to the patrons. I am guessing that she was a volunteer. She did tell me that I had an eighty-cent fine. I looked through the library’s CDs, and it seems like they had only a decent selection of them. There were some no-names, where there should have been Mozart. Still, those no-names might be all right. I have had no exercise today, except for my walk, which was a long time coming, to the library. I barely even made it there. I cannot believe that I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I really wanted to go there. I miss them. I hope that I will be able to go tomorrow.

I think that I had some great dreams last night, and I also slept very well. Just today I felt really awful. I felt so paranoid and insecure. I did not think that I could go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I was afraid that I might get out of control and that I would get uncomfortable. I hope that I can continue writing in my journal, but who knows how long I will remain healthy. I have taken a turn for the worse lately.

I wonder how my grandparents are doing. I have not played ping-pong in a while, and I have not had much exercise at all in a while. I have felt pressure to return to college, but at least that has disappeared thanks to knowing that I am not ready to go there. Last night I listened to a lot of music. I listened to Handel and Bach, and I like Bach very much. My obsessions are still with me, as I now find. They are certainly unwelcome visitors. They come from Mars or Venus. I am just joking. I do not know where they come from. I have John McEnroe of the brain. His comments on television are constant, and I have just thought in his voice. From the past several sentences, I guess that it is apparent that my mind is not totally working right. My sanity might be becoming lost.

Today was a beautiful day. The sky was sunny. At one point there was a huge downpour, and the rain seemed to fall even harder than it did recently when I was caught in the downpour on my bike ride. I do not know if I will make it to my psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I just do not know if I will be mentally prepared for it. My recent sickness really through me oﬀ. I have really talked a lot today. I have a lot to say, and I need a lot to fight loneliness as they say on television.

Loneliness is a big issue on television. I did not get to read any today, but I hope that this week I will pick myself up from the doldrums and start life anew. I want to get back into my old schedule. I really hope that I am not getting psychotic. I really do not want to go through with that anymore. I hate going to the hospital. There is no way around it. I do not want to go back to the mental hospital. Tonight, I think that I will watch some television and listen to some music. The library has a pretty decent selection of classical CDs. They do not, however, have classics in good condition, as their books are all torn though their CDs are in good condition.

I have to admit that I do feel lonely in this house, and things are quite diﬃcult here. My parents do not talk very much. Tonight I had a poor dinner consisting of some fried fish and French fries. In other words, I had a lot of fry tonight. I am starting to feel the eﬀects of the screen on myself now, as it is making me kind of dizzy and tired. I am glad that now I am about through with my journal entry. I think that I am still recovering from my sickness, which really took a lot out of me. I hope that I will be able to recover fully from the thing. In the meanwhile, I have to deal with my terrible obsessions.

I am not sick and am sane, and however long my life will be and however short it seems to be at times, I will always look up to God. I think that He will always be there for me. My life seems like it might be quite short, as the mental

illness I have tends to drastically shorten my life expectancy. Now it is nighttime. I am about through with my journal. I hope that tomorrow I will get to see my grandparents and that the reader is doing well. I wish the reader well. I am glad that I got in a full entry tonight, and I can call it a success. Tonight, I think that I will watch television and listen to music. Then tomorrow I hope to have a good day. Without further ado, I am oﬀ. I will see the reader soon. Bye bye.

Monday, September 11 2000

I recently got home from a bike ride. Today I went to the psychiatrist, and I had to drive a lot. I had to take the long way home because the appointment ended when many people at work end their day and go home. I almost did not go to the appointment because I wanted to ride my bike. Still, in the end I did go. I told the psychiatrist how I had trouble going out. He said some serious things, but I cannot remember what he said exactly. I am somewhat surprised and pleasantly so that I got to ride my bike tonight. I had a lot of fun riding. The future of this journal has been in doubt lately, but as of now it is still alive.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I was glad to see them. I think that they were glad to see me. They think that I should take a course at Trinity, and they said this when my mom mentioned that Professor Macro had called the house. Popee thought that if I did not take the chance now that I might not be able to in the future. Mamaw thought that taking an independent study might be good, and then I could go into the classroom later. Today is a beautiful day.

Driving has to be like the most depressing thing because everywhere one looks is the terrible hustle and bustle of modern life. Even the nice houses in Hartford do not cheer me up. I wish that I lived on a nice island. Then when I went for a psychiatrist appointment, I could see the ocean. Still, today I got to go on the River Trail, which is a lovely trail. I used to call my cat Kit “lovely.”

The United States Open is over now. The winners have been decided.

Lleyton Hewitt and Max Mirnyi won the doubles title, and Marat Safin won the men’s singles. Venus Williams won the women’s title. Popee said that he wanted Lindsay Davenport to win. Last night I read Faust for about an hour and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court for about a half hour. Today was pretty hot though I do not think that it is still oﬃcially summer.

I am going to miss watching tennis. I got in a diﬃcult parking spot to get out of today, but I made it all right. I wonder what is on television tonight. Last night, I saw part of Speed starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Now someone just got home. I am glad that I saw my grandparents yesterday. Popee and I played some ping-pong, and I said that we had not played in a while. Popee asked me which way I was leaning concerning Trinity College. I said that I would like to take a course or two of out of school work. Mr. Bozzuto seemed nice today. I only see him for a half hour, though, and I see my grandparents for

much longer. My grandparents are very nice and are very close. I had no qualms about seeing them yesterday, as I looked forward to seeing them. I dread going to the psychiatrist, though, for I do not like driving and meeting for only a half hour. Mr. Bozzuto seems to be pretty concerned for my welfare though. I look forward to seeing my grandparents.

I did not get to take the Saab to my appointment though. I had to take the old Toyota, which has no power. The interior is one of the ugliest and most unfashionable ever. The Toyota has an outward style that is fine for most but not for a Saab owner. The Saab did not start. I am now very angry that my dad asked me for my keys. He wanted to work on the Saab while I was gone. I am not sure what is wrong with the Saab 900. I surely hope that it works in the future, and I want my keys back. I do not feel safe without the keys in my room at all times.

Mamaw asked me if I was going to watch the Olympics, and I said “Yes.” I am looking forward to the Olympics, which are going to start very soon. Today I did ride my bike, and though I did not go at an Olympic pace, I still had a fun ride. I wonder what the first events of the Olympics will be. I think that they might start this weekend.

My bike ride was good today. I passed quite a lot of people on the River Trail. There was one man who was kind of annoying because he queerly smiled at me. Actually, the smile might have been nice, but I was not in the mood to say “Hi” on my ride. I had had my socializing for the entire day. Today I read Faust for about an hour, and the book is very frightening. The book freaks me out. For one, there are two main characters who are Faust and the devil. The fact that the devil is in any book and is portrayed as having any intelligence at all is crazy. I kind of am oﬀended to read about the devil talking to Faust. Faust has his hands full with the devil. Faust would be much better oﬀ without the devil as his temporary companion. I feel uncomfortable mentioning the terrible devil in my journal. I hope that I can get back into my routine again and that I will be able to read and ride my bike like normal, and I have a feeling that I can do these things again. I have not been up for them too much these past two weeks, but I have lately begun to improve things.

I do have very good dreams now. Last night, I dreamt that I was in a band and that I was very surprised that I could play my silver trumpet well like I used to in high school. I played well, and I saw my young self in the audience in the back sitting on a chair. There was much to this dream, but I must not reveal all of my personal things to the reader. Suﬃce it to say that God has cheered me up with my dreams. Professor Macro has not called me back, and I do not even know if he is going to. If he does then I might try to take some studies at Trinity College. I have been out these past two days. Tonight, I am going to relax. After I finish this entry, I am going to watch television and listen to music.

I wonder how my sister is doing at Wheaton College, and I wonder if she is acing her tests and papers. At Loomis she certainly was smart. I will bet that she

is still smart, and I know that she could be extra smart if she just applied herself and got more attached to studies. I am writing looking at the screen. Lately, this is the trend. I hope that my entries are better organized. I hope that they are just as good as the ones before I looked at the screen. Soon, I am going to have to print up my journal, and I think that I will have to print up over two months’ worth of material. I am sort of getting tired right now, and I am nearing the end of the allotted time, as I might think at a psychiatrist meeting.

I hope that I will be able to relax all right tonight. Mr. Bozzuto asked if I like it quiet at home. I said that I like my parents being home, but that it really did not matter too much. Tomorrow I hope to read Faust and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. I do not think that I will be able to stand reading Faust for the full reading time. Now I am going to write my conclusion. I did not see any beauts on the River Trail today, but maybe I will see a cute one tomorrow though I am not searching them out. I am getting ahead of myself. Now it is quite dark. I am oﬀ now, but not before saying to my reader that I hope he or she is doing well. Goodbye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Wednesday, September 12 2000

I regret that I did not ride my bike today. Obviously, I do not regret, however, that I got some reading done. I am at the very end of Faust. I did not understand some parts of it, and I do not see what is so special about the poem. I am going to be glad to be done with Faust. I do not mind too much that I read it twice though I liked Goethe’s other books much better. Faust showed a poor side of Goethe. Today I read Faust for about fifty minutes and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain for about an hour. At dinner, my dad asked me what I was reading. Mark Twain is a very good writer. The big thing today is that I am actually writing in my journal, and writing now comes as a pleasant surprise. I have only decided recently to write this entry. My entries seem to be fading away. I do not want to stop writing in my journal. I always want to keep it up. The problem is that I have been feeling awfully lazy or depressed lately, and I do not like feeling this way. Lately, I have not felt at all like going out to ride my bike. I am not sure if I will be able to keep up this journal, and the truth is that I am not sure if I can keep it up. I want to keep writing in here a lot, but I simply do not know if I will be able to.

There is nothing that I like more than writing in here, but I have lacked the

energy and enthusiasm of late to do so. Today is a beautiful day, and I only wish that I could have been outside to ride in it. I do not understand Faust too well really. I think that Faust has died, and the devil is portrayed as in vain trying to take his soul. For the second part of the poem Faust is in some merchant profession though he is pretty unhappy. The worst part of the book took place in this witch procession on Walpurgis Night, when all the rabble world of witches is out.

I did not understand virtually all of what was said by the various personages there. Goethe is very diﬃcult to figure out in the poem. I did, however, understand Mark Twain’s book that has a long title. I am glad that I read this today. I am still in the beginning of this book. The star of the book is a Connecticut Yankee, who finds himself in Arthur’s time, and he thinks that the nobility are lazy and inept and that they should rule the people. The Yankee is trying to update the king’s lands.

Right now, the Yankee is on an adventure to free some maidens from some foul men. He has a damsel to guide him to the place where the maidens are being held. The damsel had talked a lot, but now she comes in handy when she tells some probably dangerous knights that the Yankee is the so-called Boss. Boss is the title of the Yankee in the kingdom, and it carries weight everywhere, as those knights did not cause the damsel and the Yankee any trouble. The name The Boss carries more weight than Merlin the magician, and I think that Mark Twain calls The Boss the king’s right-hand man.

The Yankee as I like to call him has on a full suit of chain armor, or “armour” in English, which he really does not like. He gets all sweaty in it, and a fly even makes its way into the suit and bothers his head. I have not gone out of the house all day today to anywhere significant. I am bothered slightly by this fact, for I feel that I should be outside. I wish that I had ridden my bike today. I miss the River Trail very much though I will try going out to ride my bike tomorrow.

My body misses the exercise. When I ride my bike, I really feel great, but right now my body feels lax and does not want to move. I feel like some egghead in writing now but not riding at all. Tomorrow I will make sure to ride, yet even more important than riding is this journal. I like writing, and I do not want to give up writing in this journal. For most of today, I saw my journal as lost. Now I see it as alive, but I do not know how long I can keep writing in it. The journal is very dear to me, and I have kept it up for a long time. I must not give up writing in here. I am planning on printing up this journal in a couple of weeks. I do not know what is wrong with me in having trouble writing. Maybe my illness is getting worse, and I certainly hope that this is not the case. I want to be healthy. I look up to God always, and He always helps the people in need. I look up to God, and always will. His good will always be done. He always comes through for me. He is important in my life.

Faust is certainly a strange book. The main character is Faust, who is a very smart man but who has not lived life enough though maybe I am wrong about his not living life enough. Goethe’s devil comes along and threatens to show him some crazy times. Faust and the devil romp around diﬀerent places. To me, the devil should not be in a poem, but that is just me. To me, the devil should simply be shunned and not made to say clever things. The devil is not clever, but is evil and pure riﬀraﬀ.

Faust retains his good sense when he is around his love though. He has a girlfriend, and becomes very attached to her. She is sentenced to die upon a pyre. Faust wants to rescue her, but she does not come with him. After I write, I think that I will watch some television and listen to music. Last night, I listened to Bach and Mozart. I like Mozart very much, and I have also recently come to like Bach. I like Bach’s English Suites for piano and his Brandenburg Concertos. I think that his Brandenburg Concertos were written for mere court entertainment. Last night, I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Fifth and Forty-First Symphonies. Now is about time to stop writing. I hope that the reader has a good night. I am glad that I am in the last phase of this journal writing time. My eloquence might be jeopardized right now, so beware. I am oﬀ, and I wish the reader well. I hope that my obsessions may go away sometime too. Bye bye.

Thursday, September 14 2000

I am somewhat surprised that I am writing now. I had not planned on doing so until recently. I did go on a bike ride today. I rode pretty well too. There were a lot of people on the River Trail. I am still reading A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, and I do like this book though sometimes it can seem kind of dumb. My obsessions have been worse than usual, and I hope that they do not get any worse. I do feel kind of tired right now, and I do not know if I really want to write today. However, if I want to keep up my journal, I suppose that I should write.

The Mark Twain book is good. Right now the Yankee is in a castle, and the head of the castle is a woman. She is quite mean, for she killed a servant with a dirk just because he stumbled and touched her knees. She is a mean lady, and the Yankee has freed a man from the rack and saved many people from her dungeon. If I were going to write a story, I would write a fantasy book about dungeons and monsters. The video games and books that I ate up as a kid are still very much with me. I remember playing the role-playing game Ultima IV. I read many fantasy books in middle school. My favorite book during that time probably was one by Richard A. Knaak, and it had dragons in it.

I like dragons very much. I also liked the comedy fantasy books by Robert Asprin, which were very funny. They featured the magician Skeeve and his sidekick, who resembled a human lizard. I think that they lived in a tent that looked small on the outside but that was very large inside. The tent was a magic house. I remember in fantasy lore how there would be bags that looked normal on the outside but that could house many items. I do not know why I like fantasy so much, but it is probably because one’s imagination is used. I liked reading about the adventures of Skeeve. I liked a book called The Misenchanted Sword. I liked Dragonlance books too, especially The Legend of Huma. This book featured dragons and the quest of Huma to defeat the evil queen. I remember playing tons of fantasy video games too. I just generally used to like fantasy books.

The River Trail was packed today. There was a Mercedes-Benz parked in the parking lot. I passed a dog that looked as if it was trying to sniﬀ me or something. The owners of the dog let it roam too freely on its leash as I passed by. The trail is the best part of Windsor. Today was a beautiful day. The day was great for riding my bike. The leaves on the trees in my yard are beginning to turn color, and there is some yellow on the leaves of the trees outside my window. I do like this time of the year very much, and I am not exactly looking forward to winter. I think that I have come to like the summer very much, yet I probably will also like the winter when it comes. I miss most of all the exercise that I got as a kid, when I used to be so active in athletics.

I used to play in soccer games and run in cross-country meets. Now I do ride my bike, but my body is not in shape like it used to be thanks to this certain medicine that I am taking. Yet it could be worse, and I could be in a mental hospital with those stationary bikes as the only means of exercise. The mental hospital has two exercise machines, and they are both the same. They give very poor exercise, but are better than walking. The floors in the hospital are hard, and diﬃcult to do sit ups on. I wish that I lived in a castle far away from civilization, and there I could go hunting with some compatriots. I am happy how I am right now, and I am thrilled that there is a River Trail in Windsor.

Without this trail, I would have nowhere to go. My bike is doing quite well.

Last night I watched the news and a show called “The Pretender.” There is not much happening in the news, except that the Olympics are coming. I heard on the news that this oil-rich country has bought up the great weightlifters from another country for one million dollars. I am not sure when the opening ceremonies will begin in Sydney. They might begin tonight, but I am guessing that they will begin on population-liking Friday. There is a lot of news about estrogen for women. People are debating its eﬀectiveness in slowing the aging process. If I were a woman, I would not take estrogen because I think that it is against nature to do so. There has not been much news on the wildfires that have devastated so much though there is a lot of news about the Firestone tires that have been so faulty. “The Pretender” is about a genius who takes diﬀerent jobs and helps people.

Today I finished Faust, which ends with being among all these angels. I finished the book very quickly, for there was barely any left. The book overall was pretty good, but I would not call it a total masterpiece. I think that Goethe wrote a masterpiece in his autobiography, and his Wilhelm Meister books were probably masterpieces too. There seem to be many meanings to the speeches in the book, especially in the devil’s speech. Each word can have two meanings.

Although the book has some good description, I do not like much how it is written as a poem, and I would rather see it as a novel.

It is awkward that each line of the poem can have as few as two words.

Faust is reunited with his dead girlfriend at the end. The worst part of Faust is reading the speeches of the devil. I will never respect the devil. In the second

part of the play, Faust has maybe given up on his studies, when he is more of a worldly old man. The part that I liked in the second part was the speech of the tower watchman, and I could understand it well. In the book itself, German and English are used. On the left side is the German original, while on the right is the English translation. I guess that I am not going to return to college. Professor Macro has not called me. If he were to call, then I might consider returning to Trinity College. I do kind of miss college. I miss the camaraderie. Still, I am very happy at home, and I only hope that I do not get psychotic again.

I have no idea if I will get psychotic again soon. I might be headed towards that direction. I have only hope to keep me going. Also, the fate of this journal is not clear. If I get psychotic again, who knows what will happen to the manuscript. I do not even know if I will continue writing in my journal though now I think that I may well keep writing in it. I have had some doubt hovering over me lately because I was not sure how well my health was. Now, however, I am going to write my conclusion. Tonight, I think that I will watch television and listen to some music. After dinner tonight, I hope that I will be able to read Mark Twain for about a half hour. I hope that the reader is faring well, and I hope that the reader is in good circumstances. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, September 15 2000

I am feeling kind of tired right now. I slept very poorly last night. I kept getting up. Tonight I will be forced to watch television, for I do not want to do too much. I got up tons of times last night. I could not just stay asleep, and I am guessing that my medicine is at fault. I am a very light sleeper because of the medicine. I wish that I slept all right. I want to ride my bike, yet I have to stay in because of lack of sleep. To say the least, I am frustrated. The medicine does not do anything right. I did, however, read for about an hour today.

I read A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. The book kind of mocks the Middle Ages, and this I do not like about it. The book is quite funny in many place, and it is pretty well written. I am not planning on doing anything tonight. I guess that I will just, as they say, veg out. I am quite irked at the little sleep that I got last night. I simply cannot take being in bed for so long. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee. I wish that I was outside right no, yet I am glad that I am writing here.

Besides reading today, I watched some television. In television land, the Olympics will begin tonight, and there is talk of the presidential race between Gore and Bush. The two last names seem like they are describing some army battalion in a battle as if one’s arm were covered in gore and one was hiding in the shade of a bush. I should not joke about the army, though, as the army promotes death and is horrendous. The army has been around for many years.

For the ancients, war was essential both in the East and West. I am interested in the history of Asia. An ancient could make a profession out of writing about famous battles, such as the Peloponnesian War.

People published works from the Trojan War too, like Virgil with his Aeneid and Euripides with plays. Then, of course, there are the recent world wars. I hope that those world wars are over, for if there is another world war, it will be the last. I would never enter the army, for I would dread fighting in a war. I would not risk my life for my country. Also, I would not be allowed in the army because I have to take medicine. At least that is what I hear about the army. I would really like to train for battle, though, but I would have to be healthy to do so. If I did not have this illness, I would like to fly a helicopter or a Stealth fighter, and I would also like to take a spin in a state-of-the art tank. The army has a certain allure to it though I think that wars are terrible. I would hate to get shot.

The Persian Gulf War was scary, and I feel bad for all those foreign men killed. I think that the United States faced Iraq in the war. The Iraqi soldiers were fanatics, for they followed the terrible Saddam Hussein. The United States army was far superior to the Iraqi army that invaded Kuwait. I do not know why I am talking about war now, for it is a terrible thing and times seem peaceful. I am afraid of the so-called rogue nations, as they could destroy a lot of the United States with nuclear missiles.

Today is a beautiful day, and I wish that I could be outside. I want to be on the River Trail right now. Actually, now I want to be writing as I am doing. If I had slept, though, I probably would have already been on the River Trail. I hope that I sleep tonight all right. Today is a beautiful day to exercise. I miss tennis and running fast. I think that I miss the comforts of Loomis Chaﬀee. I miss these things, but I am also thankful for what I have. I have a nice view of the yard from this desk. Of course, I write in my room. My computer is on a pretty fancy desk, which used to be Carol’s. Carol is my aunt who lives in Missouri.

I think that the desk was hers when she was at Westminster. I have a blue iMac. I have three pictures on the desk. On the window sill I have a ceremonial cup from the Metropolitan Museum of Art. My room is very small, but it is pretty nicely furnished. I have a low-end, modern printer for my computer. I am glad that I am writing this journal entry though I wish that I had slept well last night. I hope to finish this entry.

After I finish reading Mark Twain’s book, I think that I will read St.

Augustine. I read part of his book Confessions at Trinity College in Introduction to Philosophy, so I have bought the book. I will read Confessions next. Rousseau also wrote a book called Confessions, which is his autobiography. I tried reading that once, but I did not like it much. The book is entirely religious. I have not read a book on religion for a long time, but I remember reading a book by a theologian at Trinity. I read it during Reading Week, when I was running with the Loomis Chaﬀee cross-country team.

I liked the book very much, and I think that the author was Helmut Thielicke. I think that I will read Plato along with St. Augustine so that I do not get too into religion, for doing this might make me psychotic again. Although I thought about going to the Windsor Public Library today, I decided against it, and there is nothing much to do there. I do like it, though, for it gives one something to do on an oﬀ day and is air conditioned. When I go there on a day that I do not sleep well among other times, I like to look at the CDs and read from Macworld, which is a magazine about Apple Computers. I like the looks of the computer that I own more than the new iMacs out there that come in the colors snow, ruby, sage, and blue. The new colors in my view are not satisfactory. The new Apple product out right now is the Cube, which is a miniature computer with all the power of a big one, but I do not think that this will fare very well in the market.

I guess that I will watch the Olympics opening ceremonies tonight though I might get bored with them. I wonder what the first events will be. I like track and field, and I think that the events in track are the premier events in the Olympics. Now I am about through with my journal, and for the rest of the day I suppose that I will just veg out. I would rather be outside, but I do not want to push myself. For the rest of the day I do not think that I will do any more academics. I must go now. I hope that the reader is healthy, and if not I hope that the reader will get healthy if she or he is at all able to. Bye bye.

Sunday, September 17 2000

I have not rode my bike today though I hope that I will be able to tomorrow. I feel lucky that I am even here and writing in my journal. Just recently I decided to write here. I have read for about fifty minutes today. I saw Mamaw and Popee both yesterday and today. Yesterday, I read Doctor Faustus for about an hour. Today I read the Mark Twain book for about fifty minutes.

Mamaw and Popee came over today, and we had some ice cream in the kitchen. I heard everyone talking about the law and the Olympics. I heard that someone gets hard time for owning drugs, and Mamaw said that she knows someone whose relative is in jail for owning cocaine. I think that my mom thinks that drugs should be legalized, but Mamaw disagrees with this.

I think that my mom might be on the phone right now with Mamaw. I have not exercised today, and I definitely feel it. Now it is too late to go on the River Trail. I went to a place called Stockbridge today, and Mamaw drove. I do like Mamaw and Popee’s car. I guess that Mamaw and Popee are thinking about buying a one- floor house. Stockbridge is a piece of land with condominiums on it, and Popee thought that there were good points and bad points in it. Watching this monitor can make one dizzy. Yesterday, I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I played ping-pong. Popee told me that one of his dreams was that we were searching for a ping-pong ball in the basement, but could not find it.

Popee and my dad were watching the Notre Dame football game. Today, I watched some of the Olympics. There was a beach volleyball competition and a lot of swimming competitions. The United States is doing all right in the medals standings. I wish that I got to ride on the River Trail today. Last night, I was reading Doctor Faustus, which I like much more than Goethe’s Faust. I feel this way because I find Christopher Marlowe’s book much easier to read. Goethe was the one that copied much of Marlowe’s book, as Marlowe created the original Doctor Faustus. The book is kind of freaky because there are terrible devils in it. I have not been doing to well lately as far as my reading is concerned. I have not read much lately though I have been with my family.

I like Mamaw and Popee very much. Mamaw did not like how the condominiums were attached to each other, and she noted how one could get lost in the complex. There were tons of condominiums. I am about halfway through A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. The book is about how this Connecticut Yankee from modern times is back in the Middle Ages and trying to modernize it with phone lines and soap. For example, he recruits knights to have them go around and sell soap and top hats. Recently in the book the Yankee, who is known as The Boss, fixed a well. The people in this place thought the well had gone dry because of divine retribution for them taking baths. The Yankee found that the well had been damaged, and he fixes it to the delight of all.

Tonight I am feeling kind of depressed because of my obsessions and because this computer is making noise. My obsessions make me do things that I do not want to do, and the noise from the computer ruins my concentration. I am feeling pretty low actually. I hope that I will last for the rest of this entry. I am having an awful time tonight in the latter part of this entry. I find that I had to do things that I did not want to do. My energy is jeopardized, and I do not know if my mind will have the stamina to write a full entry tonight. I do not mind the noise anymore, but I have already had to do obsessions that have put a damper on this entry.

Yesterday I ran on the River Trail for twenty-seven minutes. My right foot was bothering me for the end of the run, and my lungs were also bothering me some. They felt cold. I ran two loops of the River Trail. I made good time. I am probably the person in Windsor who uses the trail most often. I am on that trail and have been on that trail for a while now though I miss the trail right now. I have been inside almost all day as usual. I am glad that the River Trail does not have lights, for that would ruin the trail’s natural environment. After my appointment tomorrow, I hope that I will be able to ride my bike. Part of last night was diﬃcult because I had not exercised though after I ran, I felt much better. Tomorrow I have to see Mr. Bozzuto, and I have not seen him in a week. I wish that I were seeing some genius doctor who was seeking a cure for schizophrenia.

I kind of wish that I was seeing someone from the laboratory at the University of Michigan, as their website was very impressive. I hope that the

appointment is not terrible. I wonder what he will say. Now I am about through with my entry, which was marred by my obsessions and by some annoyances, and I regret that. Yet the entry is about on par with my others and might even exceed others in some respects. The entry only is marred insofar as I have mentioned those things that bothered me. The annoyances might show my sometimes unstable mental state. I am oﬀ, and I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

Monday, September 18 2000

The computer is making some noise right now. I was supposed to go to the psychiatrist’s today. I was not able to though as the car would not start. The battery is dead. I had to call Mr. Bozzuto. He did not answer, but I left a message on his answering machine. I have read for about an hour and forty minutes today. I read Mark Twain for about an hour, and then tonight I read Doctor Faustus for forty minutes. I do not know why I did not read Mark Twain tonight, but I was just not up for it. I did ride my bike today. I was supposed to go to a psychiatrist appointment, and I feel bad that I missed it. On the other hand, I do not feel bad. The car just would not start. I was prepared to go.

I have been watching the Olympics. Today I saw women’s water polo and women’s basketball. The water polo match had Australia against the Netherlands. The basketball match had Cuba against the United States. I cannot believe that I did not make it to my appointment today, but I was prepared to go. My parents were at fault. They should have known when my appointment was. As a result I missed my appointment, and the psychiatrist probably thinks that I am playing hooky. I wonder when the doctor will call back. I cannot believe that I missed the appointment today when I was prepared.

I had a good bike ride today. There were not many people on the trail.

There was an older couple who had squeaky shoes, and one of their shoes kept squeaking on the trail. Although I thought that it was my bike, it turns out that there was a squeaking of shoes, and I had never heard shoes squeaking so much. I passed a motley-looking younger couple, and they settled down on the picnic table. Today was a beautiful day, and pretty hot too. I wore my Lacoste short- sleeved T-shirt and my black adidas soccer shorts on my bike ride. Nobody said “Hi” to me on the trail, but sometimes I can get a “Hi.” I rode for about a half hour today. I did not exercise yesterday, so it was nice to ride today. I cannot survive without exercise, as my body just shuts down if I do not have it.

I am glad to write now, but I do not know if I will be able to write a full entry. I do not know if I will have the stamina to do so. I am glad that I am writing here, though, as the prospect of writing seemed kind of bleak for much of the day. Somehow I have been able to write, and I think that God helped me here. I do like writing, and I am glad to be writing now. God is a good father figure for me, and by this I mean that He is someone to look up to. I must print

my journal soon. If I do not, the pages will build up. I will print up my journal soon. I just must hope that I will be able to write in my journal every day.

Today I read A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court for about an hour, and I am getting to like this book more now. There is some real substance both in the plot and social insights. Recently, the Yankee is traveling so-called incognito with the king, and they are both dressed as peasants. The Yankee had to make the king practice walking like a peasant. The Yankee also worked on the king’s speech. The king is a thoroughly spoiled individual, but he shows his courage when he goes into a hut with people with the small pox, where he knows that he could catch the disease.

The Yankee admires him in this case. The mother in the hut was dying, and the king brought her dying daughter to see the mother. I think that the mother was looking forward to dying and being through with the cares of the world. She felt very sorry for her daughter, and she said that they were essentially excommunicated by the church. To those who do not know what excommunicated means it is that they were abandoned by the church. They were exiled from the church, and of course they did nothing terribly wrong.

Twain points out that the peasants are treated as inferiors and as terrible people by the landed gentry. I do not think that the aristocracy in any age could survive without the help of the lower classes, and I am guessing that the aristocracy in the Middle Ages are just as bad. Twain paints them as being idle, and they are also painted as being cruel to the peasants. The nobles do not care about worth in preparing people for important posts, but only seems to care about if the said person had nobility in his family for four generations.

The Yankee has been on many expeditions. He has been through many adventures and has started a newspaper. A portion of the newspaper is shown in the book, and it is mildly humorous but not exceedingly so. The book is well written and is written in a very humorous vein. Now this Doctor Faustus is another matter. The book is freaky to me. The main character is Faustus.

Unfortunately, other characters in the book include devils. The very short book is filled with examples of necromancy, and the instances of evil in the book make me shiver. I should really stay away from it. Between Doctor Faustus and Faust, I am at wit’s end with the stories of magic and terrible mayhem. The book almost seems like a satire because the nobility is constantly made fun of, and everything has an air of the crazy about it. Faustus is a megalomaniac essentially. The book begins in his study, and then he travels to Italy and then to the court of Germany. I like A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court because it is funny and not freaky. Although Doctor Faustus is written well, it takes a fearless heart to read it, and I do not know if my heart is fearless enough to finish the book.

The Olympics, which is all I watch when the television is on, are going on now. The Olympics began with swimming events. I like water polo and basketball. I do not know why I like water polo, but it seems like it would be a lot of fun to play. Today I saw the Netherlands defeat Australia in water polo. I have

also been listening to music a lot. Last night, I listened to Haydn’s “Oxford” Symphony and his “Surprise” Symphony, and the symphonies last about twenty- five minutes each.

I liked a movement in the “Surprise” symphony very much, and I also listened to two concertos of Handel last night from his Concerti Grossi. There were some neat melodies in the two concertos of Handel though I like Haydn better for some reason. They both are just about equally talented though, so it is a hard pick though I like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart the best. I like his piano concertos and his last symphonies very much, and it is terrible that he died at the young age of thirty-five. I do obviously like music a lot, and I do not know what I would do without it. I probably would be mighty depressed.

I am about through now with my entry. My obsessions are attacking me here tonight, but I have fought them oﬀ all right so far. Now is the time to go, but not before wishing a goodbye to the reader. I hope that the reader is still with me. I have not said much lately about the reader, but I certainly hope that someday some reader will read some of what I have written. Tonight, I plan on watching television and listening to music. I think that I will say goodbye now. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, September 20 2000

Recently, I decided to write in the journal though I do not know how long I will be able to keep up this journal. I certainly hope to keep it though. I have struggled to keep it lately, but I have kept it up pretty well. Today I ran for about seventeen minutes. I probably should have ridden my bike instead. The medicine takes away all of my energy, and I run pretty slowly with it. I passed some Loomis kids today. I ran on the River Trail today. I am glad that I got some exercise. I need new running shoes. Today I read Mark Twain’s book for about an hour. I like the book very much, and I should finish it soon. Yesterday I had a diﬃcult day. For much of the afternoon I debated viciously about whether to go to the library or not. I had gone earlier and read some of a book on a painter, and the paintings really were nice.

I was debating about whether I should have gone and actually taken the book out. I had read the book before in the library for about a half hour, and I liked the illustrations very much. I was especially taken in with the painter’s picture called something like fortitude. I kept debating whether to return to the library to take out the book and some other art books. I did not return, though, and I have not been there today. The art books that I wanted are still on the shelves. Last night, I think that I read Mark Twain for about an hour. Last night I also read the Bible for about fifty minutes from St. Mark in the New Testament.

Also, last night I ran for about fifteen minutes. When I went to the library, I saw a lot of interesting art books, and all of the famous artists were there.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court is a good book. I do like it very much, and I wonder how it will end. I will likely finish the book tomorrow or the next day. The Yankee and the king were sold as slaves, and they had been dressed up as peasants, like I mentioned in the last journal entry. The slaves that were with the king and the Yankee killed their master, and now they are all condemned to death by the law. The Yankee sent a message to his cohort in Camelot. The cohort said that he would leave right away with the knights.

When the king was about to die, the knights of Camelot showed up on bicycles, and the Yankee was really excited. The book is told in the first person. The book is supposed to be the Yankee’s account of what happened. The Yankee and the king are saved by the knights on the bikes. The picture painted by those knights is crazy. I guess that it could be seen a a funny bit of writing. I was not expecting anything of the sort. Before, the king and the Yankee were being chased by these men not of the nobility for being insane.

The king showed himself not to be like the laborers by talking about farming in a totally ignorant fashion, and I think that he knew nothing about the onions that he was talking about. The blacksmith and mason among others got mad at them and chased them away. The Yankee and the king climbed up a tree and thought that they would be safe their until plumes of smoke drifted up from the ground, and they were forced to come down. A nobleman saved the Yankee and the king from being beat up, but he tricked them into coming with them and then sold them into slavery.

They said that they were freemen, but they had no papers or information to prove it. Therefore, they were manacled and shackled. They became slaves. The king still kept his lofty manner, and he was angry that people would not pay a high price for him. I do like the book, and I have been reading it for quite some time now. The book is a medium-sized one. I will bet that the book will end with the Yankee getting into the modern age again.

Yesterday, I read some of an art book, which was on an artist called something like Botticelli. He was an Italian painter, and his works were made in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. I liked seeing his paintings in the book very much. His first name was Sandro, and he was commissioned to paint something in churches with his most prestigious work done in the Sistine Chapel. There were many good Italian painters of the time. I was most impressed with Botticelli’s Fortitude, which he made using a countryman’s painting as an example.

I also liked Botticelli’s St. Augustine rendering. I think that this was the one where he was in his study. Others also painted similar paintings of St.

Augustine. Last night, I read the Bible some from St. Mark. The Bible told of how Jesus Christ walked around to the synagogues and healed people. He healed the sick with a touch and banished so-called unclean spirits from people. He banished Legion’s mental illness with a word that commanded the devils in Legion away into some pigs, which then ran oﬀ of a cliﬀ. I do not really know if I

believe that He did those things. I surely believe in God, but I am not sure if I believe that He did those miracles. I kind of doubt that He did the miracles set out in the Bible.

The Bible tells of how Herod had St. John killed because one of his guests requested that St. John’s head be cut oﬀ. Jesus had disciples, and of them Judas Iscariot betrayed him. My favorite part of the Bible is the book of Job, which I think bears a good message not to despair. The paintings in Botticelli’s time were mostly concerning the Bible, and there were many paintings of Jesus as a child with His mother. I like the New Testament more than the Old Testament. I have not read the entire Old Testament though I have read the New Testament many times over.

Today is a beautiful day. The day is sunny, but not hot. I sweated on my run. There were not too many people on the trail today. I passed Loomis kids. The Loomis kids did not say “Hi,” or at least I did not see any sign of a “Hi” from them. I did not see any Loomis kids on the River Trail. I just feel so winded all the time on my run even though I am running slowly. I get winded so easily. My legs just will not move. I have been watching the Olympics on television. Today I saw the United States women’s soccer team get out to a two to nothing lead on the Nigerians. Last night, I saw part of a movie called The Presidio. I think that the United States is doing well in the medal count. The Australians, who are hosting the games, are getting many medals. The United States got a silver medal in archery, and I think that they got a bronze medal in team equestrian.

The Australians won a record three gold medals in a row in the team equestrian. Tonight I think that I will read for about a half hour. Then I will watch some television and listen to music.

I think that tonight I will listen to some Bach and Haydn. Now I have to write my conclusion. Every day is a struggle to get moving to write in this journal. I have done well so far, but I must continue writing in here. I have a mini-legacy going with this journal, and I never want to give up my journal. I am looking forward to watching some of the Olympics tonight, and I hope that I can see some events in the pool. The United States has many medal contenders in the pool. Now I am oﬀ. I wonder when track will start for the Olympics. I am oﬀ, though, so I do not have time to write down my speculations. I wish the reader well as always. Bye bye.

Tuesday, September 26 2000

I am feeling better after a week of not feeling nearly up to par; I was feeling very much below par. I was able to do little reading, and I did not do much exercise either. I did not get to see Mamaw and Popee. I also skipped my psychiatrist appointment though I am now picking things up. I am slowly getting into a routine again. I am getting on track again. I feel bad for my loss. I missed a lot. I miss my grandparents. I felt mentally very poor last week, but now I feel

somewhat better. I could not read much, and all I did was watch television. Somehow I think that I am getting out of my mental illness. I am feeling somewhat better.

Yesterday was the first day that I began to feel better. Yesterday I read Plato for about an hour and St. Augustine for about an hour, and today I read St.

Augustine for about an hour. I do like the book, but at the point that I am at now it is diﬃcult to understand. I have been running for about fifteen minutes every day just to get out of the house. I am yearning to ride my bike today for a full half hour though the rain is preventing me from riding, and I hope that the rain stops soon. I really want to ride my bike. My body needs the exercise, and to see the nice River Trail, which I have not been on for probably nearly a week. I have been running a short route that takes me past the train station and around the jewelry shop. I saw some people at the train station. Fall is here, and it is quite cold. If I go riding my bike today, I will have to wear some long pants.

I do not know how to describe the illness that I had. I just felt terrible, and I might have cracked or something. All I seemed to do was watch television.

Consequently, I have watched a lot of television. Also, I have listened to a lot of classical music, but I could not read or ride my bike. Although I tried reading, I just could not do it, and I was too paranoid to ride my bike. I have been sleeping all right. I found things quite diﬃcult without me reading much. I just would watch television all day. I watched the Olympics.

The United States is doing well in the medals. Today I just hope to write here and then ride my bike. I have already read St. Augustine for about an hour today. I hope that I will be able to ride today. My obsessions are quite annoying, and they have been persistent and horrible for quite some time now. I have luckily been able to sleep well. This past week has been very tough to deal with, for I have not done much of anything. Things looked kind of bleak, especially for my journal. I never guessed that I would write in my journal again, and I never really thought too much about my journal at all because I was so down. I feel like I might have manic-depressive disorder though I am sure that I do not, and I do not know if I would rather have manic depression than schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia is a terrible disease really. I never want to go on more medicine. St. Augustine is an interesting writer, who shares many of my own thoughts. He shares many of my views on the education of children, thinking that it is better to learn things when one wants to instead of having to do things forcefully. He thinks that learning words and how to read and write is more important than getting into books like the Aeneid. He sees just the basics of how to put sentences together as more important than reading tales like the Aeneid.

I really agree with him on the idea that most teachers teach their students to be selfish about learning and to value how one speaks rhetoric more than the virtues one should get and the respect for God the student should get. St.

Augustine admits that he stole pears from a pear tree, and he writes how he did it not for the pears but to sin. He said he enjoyed sinning, but now of course he

hates how he stole those pears and devotes a lot of time to saying how he regretted his actions. St. Augustine even goes as far as to say how he regrets being selfish as an infant. I do like the book Confessions. The book is essentially an autobiography in which the author admits to his sins.

I did do some but not much running this past week, and my very short route was to go past the dog pound, past the train station, and around through town and back by the train station. The run would not take long at all. I am really beset by obsessions right now, and they have really attacked me, forcing me to do all manner of things. The obsessions threaten to ruin this entry, showing how strong they are. I hope that they go away so that I can concentrate on writing and on my comeback to the world of academics. There was not much to see on my runs. The scenes were rather depressing, actually, especially when compared to the sights of the River Trail. The locked-up dogs painted a scary sight, and the place where the bus stops is kind of depressing too.

I passed the new antique shop, and I looked inside from the street and think that I saw a big clock. I pass CVS, which is a most depressing building. The train station is pretty nice, and I saw a mother and her child there. I think that the small child saw me and pointed me out to her mother and that they both liked seeing me. I hope that I will be able to ride my bike today. I need some good exercise. Running for about fifteen minutes does not do much for my body. I have started Plato’s Phaedo, which I hope to read after I finish St. Augustine’s Confessions. The idea is that philosophers are dead in a sense because they shun

bodily pleasures, which most people think are the main points in living. Socrates hopes that after he dies, he gets to see some great men. Apparently, he believes that there is an afterlife. The captors of Socrates think that they might have to give him more than one draught of poison. I am not sure exactly who Phaedo is, but I think that he is a main character in the dialogue.

I hope that I feel better this week. I hope that I do not fall into the depression that I have been in. I want to be able to lead an active life though that probably sounds clichéd. Tomorrow I will have to bring back some CDs to the library, and Thursday I am probably going to get a haircut. I really have felt terrible in a way this past week. Yet I did not suﬀer too much really, but I only watched a lot of television. The United States leads all other nations in the medals. I hope that I have not gained any weight this past week from lack of exercise. I hope that the rain stops soon.

After I write this, I will rest and then either watch television or ride my bike. I do not think that I will do any more academics today though I hope to ride my bike today to get my body in shape again. I guess that I will be watching a lot of television tonight. If the rain continues, I might have to brave the elements and ride my bike in the light rain. Now I am oﬀ. God has been there for me of late, and I owe Him a lot. I hope that the reader is still here. I should go now. Bye bye.

Thursday, September 28 2000

I am actually here. I am glad that I am writing. I have had a good day.

Today has been very challenging. I slept horribly last night. I am just glad to be writing. I had a very challenging day, for I almost did not ride my bike. I finally decided to, though, and I am glad that I did ride. My bike ride was phenomenal. I had a really great time riding today. The day is beautiful, and the River Trail was spectacular. I had meant to get a haircut today, but since I did not sleep last night, I decided not to pack that in. My last entry was Tuesday, and I have to play catch up for that nearly one week layoﬀ from my journal. Yesterday, I read for about two hours and fifty minutes, but I only understood about two hours worth. Yesterday I started reading St. Augustine, which I could not understand.

Then later I started reading Plato, but I could not understand the Phaedo dialogue. I finally settled on reading The Hobbit by Tolkien, so I have given up on Plato and St. Augustine and am reading the easier-to-understand The Hobbit.

Today I read The Hobbit for about fifty-five minutes. Although I started my journal earlier, I could not concentrate on writing it, so I read instead. The Hobbit is a decent book. The book is not the best one to read for my mental health though, as it is about elves, wizards, and dwarfs. I will hopefully be done with the book in not too long of a time, and then I will go to the bookstore and get some new books. Last night I finished Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe.

The book was really interesting. I liked the book very much though the ending was sad. I just do not want to read really diﬃcult books right now, so I am not going to read Plato or St. Augustine. Yet I might try a diﬀerent dialogue out from the Plato book when I finish The Hobbit.

The Hobbit is a pretty good book. The fantasy is not too intense. Recently in the book, the hobbit escaped from the creature in the underground lake. He escaped from him by using a ring of invisibility, which was the creature’s old birthday present. The creature wanted to eat the hobbit, and he had eaten some of the goblins who lived in the mountain. Tolkein says that goblins are bad creatures. The goblins had captured the dwarves, but I think that the elven wizard Gandalf helped them to escape from their clutches, so to speak. The Hobbit is not a long book, and it is easy to read. The hobbit is trying to escape from the goblin mountain, and he is at the entrance of the mountain.

He followed the creature of the lake through the many caverns in the mountain to the place where the hobbit could see a way to get out. The creature figured that the hobbit would try to escape from the mountain, but he actually led the hobbit out of the mountain.

The book started in the hobbit hole, which was actually a nice place. The hobbit made a lot of dwarves some food, and the dwarves were at the hole for quite some time. The one thing that I did not like about the beginning of the story was that in this festival at the hole there was ale served though it does not discourage me too much. Ale does not go with good clean adventure. The

hobbit initially did not want anything to do with the adventure that was being proposed. I think that his ancient relative had some adventuresome things about him. That side of the family kicked in, and the hobbit felt that he was ready to go.

The leader of the band of men is the elf wizard Gandalf. They all traveled to a land of the elves, which I think was in a valley. The dwarves, Gandalf, and the hobbit Bilbo Baggins stayed in a nice house for some weeks. Then they went back on their adventure. The best part of the book so far is the part where Bilbo and the creature of the lake ask each other riddles, and I think that if the loser was Bilbo, then the creature would eat him. However, if the loser was the creature, the creature would show Bilbo the way out or would help him in whatever way.

Last night I finished Doctor Faustus. The book surely is a masterpiece, but it is also quite scary in that there are devils in it. The end is where the devils take Faustus’s soul to the netherworld, so to speak. Therefore, the ending is sad.

Faustus is to blame, though, for I think that for twenty-five years he has lived with worldly pleasures. He obtained these pleasures through devils, whom he has sold his soul to, I think, in a contract signed with his own blood. He became a favorite of a duke and duchess and a paramour in court, and I think that he won fame for himself. Yet he did these things at whatever cost, and in the end the devils rend him apart and take his soul with them.

Although there are some scholars who really care for Faust, their help comes too late for him, and I think that the scholars are the ones who will have to bury him. The book is very well written, and I think that it is better than any Shakespeare play that I have read. My favorite Shakespeare play would have to be King Lear, for the language used in the beginning as to Lear’s daughters and who loved him most among them was well written. Shakespeare’s language is too diﬃcult, though, and I do not like looking down at the bottom of the page for what Shakespeare’s words mean. Doctor Faustus is a very short book. Now I have read five of the seven books that I got at the bookstore, and I am ready to buy more books.

The bike ride today was fun, and I am glad that I even got out there. I had to put a lot of eﬀort to get myself to decide to go though once I started things got much easier. There were some people on the trail. There was a young lady on the trail who was smoking a cigarette, and this smoking was disgusting. I smelled the cigarette smoke when I passed her. I passed a couple walking a small white dog. I passed two old men who are regulars on the River Trail, and I told them that I was coming up on their left. One of the men said “OK.” I rode my bike for about a half hour, and I really liked the ride and getting outside. Riding my bike is one of my favorite things to do, and I also like writing in this journal very much. I hope that I will be able to keep up writing in this journal. I pumped up my bike tires today, and as a result I biked a little faster. Pumping the tires up was much easier than I thought because the tires were pumped up well

in very few pumps. One woman said “Hi” to me on the River Trail today, and she was with her small dog. I must never give up riding my bike if it is the last thing that I do. The weather has been really great lately for riding.

I have been watching the Olympics. I think that the United States has been ahead of everybody else for a while now, and the United States seems to be in every gold medal match imaginable. The United States dominates on the track. The husband of women’s track star Marion Jones has tested positive for anabolic steroids. He denies using them, and his nutritionist said that there might have been something in his diet to cause the test to come up positive. I do not know who to believe.

The United States has the world’s fastest woman and man at one hundred meters. Last night I slept terribly. I just lay there with my eyes closed, but sleep never seemed to come. For that week, I was feeling pretty bad in terms of motivation and concentration. Tonight I think that I will watch some television. The Olympics are on tonight. Now it is time to write my conclusion. I hope that the reader is still with me and that the reader is feeling well. I am obviously doing better now, and I think that I will continue doing well as log as I write in my journal and get some exercise. While I have been writing, it has gotten much darker. Now I must go, but I wish the reader well. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, September 29 2000

Today was a good day for me. I was able to read and to ride my bike. Also, I got a much-needed haircut. Today I was reading The Hobbit. I liked the part where the dwarves, Gandalf the wizard, and Bilbo are saved from the goblins and wolves by the huge eagles. The adventurers were up in trees with the trees set on fire, but they were rescued by the eagles. I did have a very good day. I am settling into my riding routine again, and I am able to read well. I think that I will be able to read The Hobbit all the way through. I did well on my bike ride today. There was one woman on the trail today who said “Hi” to me. She was with a bunch of kids on bikes, presumably her sons or even grandsons. The woman was wearing a Calvin Klein sweatshirt.

I think that she was wearing a helmet, and the kids might have been wearing helmets too. People like wearing headphones on their walks. I passed two people in all who were wearing headphones. One was a woman, and the other was an older man. Fortunately, I got my haircut today, and this broke up the day so that I did not have to find something to do this afternoon. The haircut is a very good one. Before my hair was too long, and my self-confidence was diminishing as my hair got longer. Tomorrow I will probably see my grandparents. I have not seen them in a while, and it will be nice to see them.

Then I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I wonder how Mamaw and Popee are doing.

Today was an absolutely beautiful day, yet it is quite cold. The sun is out though. I am guessing that the leaves will begin to turn color soon. I walked to the nice-looking barber shop. The place is in the center of town. My dad asked me at dinner whether Fred cut my hair. He said that he was giving him Italian lessons, but I do not know how one can give Italian lessons in a barber shop. The haircut itself took a very short time. I am guessing that it took about fifteen minutes.

I got a very decent haircut, especially for such a quick cut. I probably could not cut hair that fast. He cut my hair very quickly. I can just see my dad giving the barber lessons. My hair was really long when I came in for the haircut. I had not had it cut in a long time. I had bangs, and if I combed the hair in front straight down, the hair would go below my eyes. It is kind of annoying that there is always a television on in the barber’s. The barber Fred wished me a nice weekend. I am glad that I got my haircut today, but if my health continues to be decent, then I will have to concentrate on reading more. I hope that next week I will step up my reading, and so have enough to write about every day in the journal.

I am wearing some Gap jeans right now. These jeans are not serviceable though, and I have only two pairs of pants that are serviceable. Therefore, I need new pants. Both pairs of pants that I own are khaki. I do not have enough pants. I barely had enough shorts, but now this is crazy. I do not see why my mom does not get me some new pants. I will probably have pants to wear tomorrow, but if my khaki pants are not constantly washed, then I will not have any serviceable pants to wear.

I think that my dad coaches day tennis in the afternoon. Day tennis, for those people who did not go to Loomis, is like a fun league. People in club tennis are mostly beginners, and they just want to play tennis for fun. I played club tennis once, but I was the top player in the club ranks. I never made the junior varsity much less the varsity tennis team, which to this day irritates me. I have not played tennis in a long time, and I miss it. I went to tennis camps and took lessons, but now all this preparation is for nothing. The medicine that I take takes away my pinpoint coordination. Still, I am not complaining. I have my intellect, and I am trying to use this to the fullest. God gives me strength through my diﬃcult times. He helps me to get over the rough days. As far as tennis goes, I think that the Williams sisters Venus and Serena won the Olympic gold medal for the United States of America.

I am still reading The Hobbit, which is well written, but Tolkein could have more of an imagination. Some of the events in the book are too commonplace and boring to be called fantasy. The book is liked by many readers as it was a bestseller. Bilbo used his ring of invisibility to sneak up on Gandalf and the dwarves. Gandalf was urging the dwarves to go to the mountain and rescue Bilbo, who slipped in right in the middle of them and then took oﬀ his ring of

invisibility. Everyone was surprised, and he got the high respect of the dwarf on watch because the dwarf had not spotted him. Gandalf suspected more though. They were all in a tight spot and about to die at the hands of those goblins and wolves, when the eagles came along and brought them up to their huge nests or eyries. I am guessing that eyries are nests. I do not remember hearing this word before. The head of the eagles was kind, and I think that he would go on to become a great eagle. The final goal of the party of adventurers is to get to the lair of the dragon Smaug. At least I think that that is the goal. I think that they want to get some treasure.

Tomorrow I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I hope that I will read for about an hour and a half tomorrow. Then I will step up my academics for next week starting on Sunday. For example, for the days next week I hope that I will be able to do more academics than I did today. I am really glad that I am able to do what I have been able to do lately. I do not have too much to write about in my journal though, for I have not read enough to really talk a lot about the book I am reading which is a major part of my journal. Tomorrow I do not think that I will write in my journal, but I will write on Sunday. I have been watching the Olympics, which will end soon. The United States is doing well in most sports. Last night I listened to Haydn’s Ninety-Sixth “Miracle” Symphony and his One Hundred and Fourth “London” Symphony.

I liked the “Miracle” Symphony better than the “London” one. I like Haydn as a composer. I like some of Haydn’s symphonies more than others by him. My obsessions are still annoying. Last night they got so persistent that I just did not do them much, and that worked as it has done so far. Tonight, I probably will vegetate in front of the television. Today has turned out to be a lucky one for me. Now is the time for my conclusion. I hope that the reader is doing pretty well. I hope that my journal will survive my illness. I regret that I did not have more to write about tonight. I hope that I will continue writing and that I will step up on my reading. I need to read to have stuﬀ to write about. I am oﬀ now. I hope that I can continue having good health. I will see the reader Sunday. Bye bye.

Sunday, October 1 2000

I was not sure that I would even write this until recently. Today was a day with many challenges. I did not ride my bike today, and I am writing this late at night. There was something going on in the St. Gabriel’s parking lot. There was a gathering of sorts for kids and that included extremely loud music. The music was so loud that it seemed blasting even in my room. Therefore, I went to the Windsor Library for about an hour and a half. I was looking at and reading a book on the paintings in the Louvre for that whole time. There are some fantastic pictures in the Louvre, and I liked most of the paintings.

When I returned from the library, the music had ceased. I was relieved of that. My parents are not home right now, for they are with some of their friends. The music today was loud and obnoxious. I must have gone to the library and turned around many times, for I just could not make up my mind what to do. I did not know whether to gut it out at home or to stay in the library. When I turned around, I made sure that nobody was looking. I did not want to embarrass myself. I decided to stay in the library. I took out the book on The Louvre, and I read and looked through a lot of it.

Today I also read The Hobbit right after I got up for about an hour, and the music started after I had read it. I went to the library and made the mistake of taking out three books. I should have kept my peace, for I did not need those books. The Hobbit is going along well. I guess that the book is all right. The hobbit has rescued his friends from the spiders, which had captured the dwarves and spun webs around them. They were ready to eat the dwarves when Bilbo came to save them. He put on his ring of invisibility and threw rocks at the spiders. He also lured them away from his friends with taunts. Later he had to rescue the dwarves again when they fell into the hands of wood elves.

The dwarves were thrown into the dungeons for not telling the elf king what they were doing in Mirkwood, and Bilbo helped them to escape by putting them in barrels. These were let free from the place of the elves, and Bilbo escaped along with them by jumping on a barrel at the last instant. Now all of the dwarves and Bilbo have gotten to a town of men, and they are all unpacked from the barrels. They are in the presence of some men and of the elves, who recognized them as their former prisoners. The one thing that I do not like about Tolkein is that he mentions wine a lot. A fantasy book is not supposed to have wine in it, and the fact that wine is mentioned in it makes me sad. Bilbo is turning out to be quite the hero.

He not only killed some spiders to save the dwarves, but he also saved the elves in the dungeons through a smart plan. Gandalf is no longer with them, as he left before they entered the forest of Mirkwood, which is a tough place to go through because the trees are so thick that one can barely make out anything there. The dwarves had found it diﬃcult to get through. They were almost starving when they were taken into the dungeons of the elves and were given much-needed food by the elves.

I think that Gandalf will rejoin the dwarves and the hobbit soon. The elves did not treat the dwarves and Bilbo too badly, and they do not, according to Tolkein, nearly have the ferocity of the goblins or the wolves. I think that Tolkein gives wolves a bad name. Real wolves are fine creatures. Now the mission of the fantasy party is to find Smaug the dragon and to get its riches. They expect to find a lot of gold in Smaug’s hoard.

Yesterday, I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I got to play ping-pong with Popee. I also went to Bazilians, which is a clothing store in West Hartford. I went to the store with Mamaw and my mom. I got a pair of jeans and a pair of

pants. The pants were about thirty-five dollars, but I am not sure how much the jeans were. The store had a lot of young employees, who all looked hip and bored. They looked idle and lazy. I looked around at the pants, but there were not many of them.

I think that Mamaw asked if I liked corduroys. I was glad to be with Mamaw in the store. My mom was nice to buy me pants, but she kind of nagged me about what to buy. An attractive young woman employee asked if we needed help, but my mom said that we did not. I saw a really nice shirt there that I liked a lot. I saw some blue corduroys that I liked too. The store is well kept. At Mamaw and Popee’s, Mamaw said that Popee saw a couple cats where there was just a flower bed. She was not sure whether this was bad vision or hallucinations. She asked me how Popee played, and I said that he played well.

When Popee and I were talking in the basement, he got really confused if that is the word for it. He went looking around for ping-pong balls in the library downstairs. He was on his chair and bending down and moving baskets around trying to find ping-pong balls. There were none, though, for there was no reason for any to be in that room. I do not know why he was searching for them. I feel concerned about him. My dad mowed the lawn at Mamaw and Popee’s. I had a couple cookies over there. Mamaw oﬀered me a plant and told me to think about it. I ended up not bringing home a plant, but maybe next time.

Yesterday, I read for only an hour. I also rode my bike for a half hour. I passed some people, and I remember passing a relatively aesthetically attractive young woman. I passed what looked like a mother and her son, and the mother smiled at me. I really want to ride my bike tomorrow. Barring some rough circumstances, I will bet that tomorrow I will be riding. Today I went to the library, which had tons of people in it. I got some books on art at the library, which I probably should not have done.

The lady who checked me out was pretty. She had red hair and was nice too. She had on a nice rainbow-colored bracelet made out of multicolored mini- beads. Her hair was done up nice, and she seemed friendly. I stayed in the library today because of the loud noise in the church parking lot. Somehow I got through the music in the church lot by going to the relative quiet of the library, thus dodging a potentially extremely depressing day in essence.

Now is the time to stop writing. Before I do, I should say that I hope that the reader is doing all right. I must never stop writing in this journal as long as I am on this earth. God has helped me along, and He will always guide me on the right path. I am not afraid of what I do because the good God is always helping me. I must now go. I will hopefully see the reader tomorrow. I hope that I show up and that the reader shows up. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, October 2 2000

I read The Hobbit for about an hour today, and I have biked. I am writing this before dinner. I rode well today. I am almost through with The Hobbit. I do not think that I will go to the library today. I feel that I can do better work here. Today is a beautiful day. I hope that I will be able to read for about a half hour tonight. I think that I might start Helen Keller’s biography though I might not. Trinity is still in session, and I wonder how all the Trinity students are doing. I miss college. I wonder if I ever will return to Trinity or if I will go to another college. If I went to a diﬀerent college I would probably go to an easy college. I would go to Central Connecticut or the University of Connecticut. I probably could not even handle those colleges.

More my speed would be what I am doing now. I am not saying that I am dumb, but I am not ready for loads of work. Trinity was challenging. I am hoping that there will be a cure sometime for schizophrenia. If a cure was found, then I would be lucky. A cure seems about fifty years in the future. As it stands, I have to deal with Zyprexa, which sure is not an easy thing to take. Sure it is easy to eat but not to deal with. I wonder how many people on Zyprexa are in college. I wonder how many people with schizophrenia are in college. The statistics are probably dim. My obsessions have gotten worse. I even stopped twice on my bike to try to get some dirt oﬀ of my tires. I made sure nobody was around when I stopped.

I hope that I can get oﬀ of medicine sometime. I hope that I stay out of the mental hospital. I do not like it there. How obvious. I wonder how much longer I will stay sane. Last night, I dreamt that I had landed on an alien world. They were quizzing me on how well I knew about them, and I was getting almost every question right. The other questions various humans answered. The aliens thought that I knew too much, and they were planning to kill me. I got away in time, and was trying to take oﬀ in the shuttle.

Bruce Angelo was doing a horrible job piloting, so one of the people grabbed him oﬀ of his seat to the back of the shuttle. I took the helm when things were going badly. I managed to raise the nose of the shuttle up, but we had poor speed. Things looked bad, but there still seemed to be some hope that we would find our way oﬀ of the planet before the dream ended. I dreamt more about this alien planet too. I also dreamt some nights ago that I received a large instrument from the mental hospital.

The instrument was huge, white, and metallic, and it must have been six feet long. There was a mouthpiece on it that looked like an oboe’s. The instrument resembled a telescope in its shape. I blew into it, and some stuﬀ came into my mouth that tasted like toothpaste. I realized that there was medicine in it from the mental hospital, and I spit out the stuﬀ. Like one has to do with toothpaste, I had to spit it out a lot. I was displeased with the instrument.

The obsessions that I have lately have been getting worse. I am surprised that I had to stop my bike. I lost an insignificant amount of time, but it disrupted my bike ride. On the River Trail I saw a man, who waved to me. I saw another

quite old man who was wearing a beige hat and old blue sailing shoes, and he walked with a can. I saw another man who I think drives a Mercedes. Whenever he is on the trail, there is always a Mercedes in the parking lot. It was kind of strange that he was wearing all black. The river is kind of dried up. The trees are beginning to change color. My obsessions are pretty bad, though, and I have them seemingly with me all the time. I have to try to exert mental control over them. I rode pretty well today. I had not ridden yesterday, so today’s ride was much needed.

The Hobbit is going along well. Bilbo has gone to see Smaug the dragon. He did not go to see Puﬀ. Well, Bilbo went through a passage in the mountain and took a big cup from the dragon to his friends the dwarves, who congratulated him on getting it. The dragon, however, got angry when Bilbo took the cup, and he stormed out of his lair and went to search for Bilbo and his friends. The dragon found their ponies, and later when Bilbo talked with the dragon, he said that he ate the ponies. He said that he smelled the smell of dwarves on the ponies. He was curious to know what the hobbit was, but the hobbit revealed himself in riddles.

The first time that Bilbo saw the dragon he stole the cup, and the second time he went in he talked to the dragon though I am not sure what Bilbo’s purpose was in talking to it. Bilbo had on his ring of invisibility the whole time. It is kind of disappointing that there is hardly any magic in the book. Smaug got mad at Bilbo, and as he left the dragon, it belched fire into the small passageway, singing Bilbo. The dwarves had been nesting in the small passageway that led to the cave. They want Bilbo to do all the work though they are not terrible. Bilbo is now wondering how they will transport the treasure back into civilization. The dragon asked this question of Bilbo and got him to wondering about it. Bilbo could not see how any of the treasure could be brought all the way back through Mirkwood to his hobbit hole. He surely misses his hobbit hole, and the corny Tolkein makes this clear a lot.

Yesterday there was some party in the parking lot, and the music was so loud that even in my room it seemed to be blasting. I went to the library as a last resort. I hope that there will not be any more church parties like that for a long time. The party was for kids, but there were not many there. They were using hula hoops or kicking the soccer ball. They were playing terrible songs by bands like Meat Loaf and Sisqo. I also heard a song called something like “Elvira,” for the singers kept repeating that name. There was a party like that some months ago. The music was so loud though.

At the library, I looked through the huge book on the Louvre, and I do not think that anyone had taken it out. The book seemed entirely new. I read the parts where the individual artists were introduced, and I looked through many pictures. I liked very much one artist who painted very colorful pictures. The book gave a history of the Louvre, which I think has been around for over one hundred years. I guess that the book contains many or all of the works in the

Louvre. I do not think that I will go to the library today. I still am low on CDs, but I suppose that I can get some later.

Now is time to conclude my journal entry. I hope that I will be able to read some tonight. I feel that I should read for about a half hour. Tonight after I reading I likely will watch television, which I have not done all day. God always leads me along the right path. Unfortunately, I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow though I think that it will be good to go. I am now through with my entry and will relax. I hope that the reader is well now. Bye bye.

Wednesday, October 4 2000

I almost got killed yesterday going to the psychiatrist. There was some traﬃc. There were two trucks near me, and I felt very unsafe on the roads. I felt safe on the backroads but not on the highway. I feel all right on the highway when there are not many cars on the road. My mom still will not drive on the highway. I got all flustered on the highway. There were so many chances of getting killed. I had to use my dad’s car, which is a junky car. The car is a Toyota wagon. I hate everything about it. The Saab does not work, and I am not sure what is wrong with it. I do not like the Toyota or the Honda. I like the Saab, and I want to drive that. My parents have not fixed the Saab yet. I would have felt better driving the Saab yesterday. I do not feel comfortable in the other cars.

I had the appointment yesterday. As usual Mr. Bozzuto asked tons of questions. He asked me about what book I was reading, and what I watched for the Olympics. He does not talk much about my illness. I would like to hear about what kind of research is going on for the cure of schizophrenia. I did most of the talking. My mom asked me if I liked talking to him, and I said, “I guess.” If he talked more, I would like that. I do not really like spewing forth my whole life to a psychiatrist.

If I have to talk to someone, I would rather talk to Mamaw and Popee. Mr.

Bozzuto asked about Mamaw and Popee. He asked about ping-pong, and he asked how old Popee was. I asked him one question which was if he played any sports in college, and he said that he played club rugby. I wonder if he keeps up to date on the recent research in mental illnesses. I think that I want a world- class psychiatrist. I would like to have a psychiatrist who knows a lot about schizophrenia.

I have finished reading The Hobbit. The story ends happily. The happy ending is kind of fake, but I did kind of get caught up in it. There is a war between the goblins and wolves on the one side and the dwarves, elves, men, and eagles on the other side. Thorin and two of his dwarven friends were killed in the war. The good side won, though, and Bilbo returned home to his hobbit hole with some treasure. Gandalf and Beorn accompany him on his homeward voyage. I feel bad that Thorin died. He was a nice dwarf. The dragon Smaug had been killed by a man named Bard before the battle began. Bard killed the

dragon by shooting an arrow through the soft spot on his stomach. There was about to be a battle with the dwarves against the men and the elves. They all wanted a share in the treasure, but Thorin said that the treasure was for the dwarves. When the goblins approached, the warring parties who were not bad in themselves joined each other to fight the goblins. The goblins had the wolves with them. The dwarves and company tried to defeat them in the valley though the goblins were gaining the upper hand.

The eagles came at just the right time, and they caused considerable damage among the goblins. I think that the clincher came when Beorn came in his bear shape and destroyed both the bodyguard of the goblin leader and the goblin leader himself. He just crushed all the goblins in his path. Gandalf had been with other wizards, and they were driving out the necromancer from his lands. I think that Gandalf and the wizards were successful. I like the figure of Gandalf, and the figure of Bilbo the hobbit was pretty good too.

I liked the Hobbit pretty much. The next book I will attempt to read is St.

Augustine’s Confessions. I had started this before, but it became too diﬃcult to read. I hope that I can understand it this time. A rock fell on the Hobbit’s helm, and he blacked out. When he woke up, he took oﬀ his invisible ring. He was carried to the camp where he found Gandalf, and then they began on the journey back to the Hobbit’s home. Upon returning home, he found that his home and everything in it was being sold at an auction. I found this part of the book to be slightly corny and unrealistic.

The book still ended pretty well by telling how Bilbo lived quietly in his house to the end of his days writing poetry and his memoirs. Still, this was kind of corny though it touched the emotions like a movie might do. I am also reading The Story of My Life by Helen Keller, which is an easy book to read. Even though it is easy, I still like it. Most books are easy to read. I will read Helen Keller’s book along with the Confessions. I think that I will start the Confessions tomorrow, and I hope that I will be able to understand it. The small book by Helen Keller is clearly written.

Keller’s book tells about how she became deaf and blind. She became deaf and blind through a childhood illness, which it was predicted that she would die from. She describes her close connection with her mother and tells about how her family got her a teacher. Keller’s father died when she was young. She tells some genealogy in her book, and some of her relatives fought in the Civil War.

She had some relatives that fought on the side of the confederacy. I think that I also had relatives who fought in the Civil War. I also have a war hero in my family named Johnny Ayres, who I think fought in a world war. My grandfather’s mother was an Ayres.

I did ride my bike today. I rode pretty well, and I got kind of tired at the end of it. There was a light rain on the ride, and I was hoping that there would not be a downpour. The rain just continued falling lightly. Today is a beautiful day. I wore my blue athletic pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt on my ride. I still

am wearing those same Nike Air Maxes for shoes. The river is still pretty well dry. No, the pretty well is not dried up. There is a jab at humor.

The English call everything diﬀerently than the Americans. For example, armor in America is called armour in England. Many books are printed in England, so the words are spelled in English too. I hope that I will be able to read after dinner for a half hour. I will probably read Keller’s book, and then I hope that I can relax. After I write this, I hope to relax too. I will watch some television. If St. Augustine is too diﬃcult, then within the next two weeks, I hope that I will be able to go to the bookstore. I am going to go now, but not before wishing the reader well. I hope that the reader is healthy. Bye bye.

Thursday, October 5 2000

I have started St. Augustine successfully, and I understood most of what he was saying. Today I read St. Augustine’s Confessions for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. I feel kind of tired right now, and I think that I will stop for now. Today is quite overcast. The sun is nowhere to be seen. It looks like it might rain, and it was drizzling earlier today. There was no rain on my bike ride.

The Confessions are good. They are about God and are well written. God truly is an inspiration to me. I do not remember too much of what I read today though I did understand a lot of the book. I am glad that I can understand the book. St. Augustine was very pious and quite smart. I do not know how much longer I can keep up my journal. I find it very diﬃcult to write in here. Writing here regularly presents a big challenge. Writing here is no easy task though it is rewarding. I do not know how much longer I will be able to keep reading St.

Augustine either, for that is a challenging book. I will try to persevere through both.

Certainly God helps me through the rough spots in life. He guides me through tough times, and He is always there when I need Him. He certainly is a boon in life. St. Augustine cares much for God and talks about how he wrote some books that is later became ashamed of. He says that the books were written without much piety. He was with the Manichees when he wrote them, but I am not sure exactly who the Manichees were. There was a man named Faust whom St. Augustine heard talking, and he was much praised by the scholars around St. Augustine. Yet St. Augustine saw through his eloquent words, and he found him to be vain underneath. I am surprised that the name Faust turned up in the book. Along with Doctor Faustus and Faust, now Faust turns up in the Confessions. I was thinking of going to the bookstore soon, but now that I understand St.

Augustine, I do not think that I will need to go so soon. I hope that I can continue thinking well of God. I think that I will.

The Confessions are not extremely diﬃcult to read, but the book is more diﬃcult than The Hobbit. I have a feeling that I will miss The Hobbit. Bilbo

Baggins will not be easily forgotten. Last night I was able to read The Story of My Life by Helen Keller. Helen is a good writer, and her autobiography is quite short. I read that she went to the Perkins Institute where she met other blind girls. I think that this was where she met some other girls. The girls would read by braille. Helen has a great love for nature, and she likes feeling the flowers in her hands. She describes a trip to Cape Cod. She went in the water, and a wave toppled her over. She felt thrown by the waves, and I think that her teacher helped her up.

Helen says that she likes the fresh air of the beach. The one thing that I miss most of all here at home is the beach. I like the sand, water, and (like Helen) the air. Helen credits her teacher for many of the joys of her life. I do not praise my teachers that much, but I do remember very well the teachers, who really were fun having, at Loomis Chaﬀee. I liked Mr. Eaton as a teacher very much, and I liked writing in a journal in his class on ancient history. I think that writing in the ancient-history journal helped me in this journal. I also kept up a sort of journal in The Psychoanalytic Movement at Loomis, and my teacher for that philosophy class was Mrs. Sullivan. She was a pretty good teacher. I have already read The Story of My Life, but I think that it is worth reading a second time.

I did ride my bike today. The day is quite depressing in a way, yet in another way it is exciting to be on earth when it looks as if a thundershower is about to strike. I passed an old man, the Mercedes man, and a woman. I think that there were not many people on the trail because it is overcast. The sky looks silver. The leaves are beginning to turn color and to fall. The river is still kind of dried up, and there are grasses growing on the river floor. In the center of the river is a big mound of dirt, which falls down on either side, thus there is a protrusion in the center of the river. I rode pretty well today. I hardly ever see any Loomis Chaﬀee people on the River Trail. I do not see people running on it. There are children riding bicycles sometimes. The children are quite young.

I wonder how much longer my mountain bike is going to last. I am going to need shoes this Christmas or before. My mountain bike might last for another year or two. Riding my bike every day is a fun thing. Halloween is fast approaching. Then there will be Thanksgiving. Then the next month will be Christmas. My obsessions are still with me, but I can deal with them though they are quite annoying at the least. Tonight I think that I will watch some television and listen to some music. I watch a show called “The Pretender” every night though I do not know how much longer I will watch this scary show.

Tonight I think that I will listen to some Haydn.

Now is the time to end my entry. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is healthy. I think that someday I would like to publish my journal; I wonder if a company would publish it. I am hoping a lot, but I do not even know if I can continue writing here. I am oﬀ now. I am still hoping for a thunderstorm. I hope that I will write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, October 6 2000

The weather today is rainy though I do not think that there has been much rain. Today is overcast. I went to the bookstore today. I felt that I needed some new books. I got some, but I lost some time. I should have been reading today instead of going to the bookstore. I went to the Barnes and Noble in Enfield. I looked in the history and art sections, but found nothing there. I got all of my books from the sections where there are novels though I have missed out a lot on reading today. Last night I do not think that I slept well. My sister is coming home today, and my parents have gone to pick her up. I am in a music crisis right now. I know that all of the music that I have so well that any more listening to it becomes repetitive. I know nearly all the lines on the CDs. I do not know what to do now. I need some new CDs.

I would like some Mozart concertos and some Beethoven symphonies. I will have to get through this though. There were no CDs at the bookstore. Most of the books in the bookstore are not very good. I might have gotten some good books today though. My obsessions are still pretty bad. I hope that I got some decent books. The ride was kind of boring. I had to take the green Honda, which

is quite boring to drive. I miss the Saab. I have basically done nothing today. All that I did was go to the bookstore. I am being awfully lazy today, and I do feel kind of ashamed. I want to do more today than write in my journal.

Last night, I read some of Helen Keller’s autobiography. She is an eloquent person, and she has had to overcome a lot of obstacles. She was taught how to speak by a woman at the Horace Mann School. I feel close to Helen because I have schizophrenia, which certainly is a debilitating thing. My autobiography is much bigger than hers though hers is gone over with a fine-toothed comb. Her book is seventy-five pages. There was nothing of much interest in the bookstore. I did not know what to look for there. I was interested in Nadine Gordimer and Virginia Woolf as authors, but I did not know who else to get.

I got a book called Three Guineas by Woolf. I got None to Accompany Me by Nadine Gordimer. Although the bookstore is all right, I have already seen all the books, and I would like a whole new set of books put in the bookstore. I wish that I had more books to read so that I did not have to go to the bookstore. I do not have much to talk about. I do not like driving the Honda even though it is not an ugly car. Many cars had their lights on because it was foggy. There was a strong sulphur smell in the air at the Dexter plant in Windsor Locks, which really pollutes the air and water. I passed by many depressing places on my ride. There were kids getting out of school on my way back. I passed Enfield High School and an Enfield Montessori school.

I have been watching a show at seven o’clock called “The Pretender,” before which I watch the news. In Yugoslavia yesterday was a revolt in which

people want Milosevic ousted from power. There is a conflict between the Palestinians and the Israelis though I am not sure exactly what that is all about. I should not be talking about television, but there is not much to talk about.

Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I do not think that I will write here tomorrow though I hope to get some reading done tomorrow.

Popee got a haircut about the same day that I did, and Mamaw mentioned last time that I was over that we both had gotten haircuts. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to play some ping-pong. I wonder if Mamaw will oﬀer me a plant like last time. My parents and sister will be home at about five or six o’ clock tonight. I probably will not have dinner at the usual time. She will not be here for very long, but she undoubtedly will be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Her Christmas vacation will probably be long. I just hope that I will be able to get some reading and writing done then. I never want to give those things up. Now I must write my conclusion. I know that I have not been very busy today and that I could have worked instead of going to the bookstore. I just must be busy in the coming days, and by busy I mean that I should do a good amount of academics. I do not really do a whole lot, but I do enough. Now I must go though. Tonight, I hope to read for about an hour, and if I cannot do this, then I will ride my bike for about a half hour. Then tonight, I guess that I will watch television and maybe listen to music. I just hope that I will not get too annoyed at listening to music that I know. I am oﬀ. Ta-ta. Bye bye.

Sunday, October 8 2000

I rode my bike today, but I was not able to read. Ever since yesterday I have not been feeling well, but I feel somewhat better now. Mamaw and Popee came over today, and they brightened my spirits up. After I had seen them, I was actually able to ride my bike. Yesterday I watched television a lot, and I also listened to music a lot too. Yesterday, I went to the Windsor Library, and I got out some CDs. Last night I listened to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and to some of Dvorak, and I do like both composers.

Today I went for a successful bike ride. The main thing is that I have not been feeling well for a while now. Yesterday, I was able to finish The Story of My Life by Helen Keller, and tomorrow I would like to start The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Mamaw and Popee did come over today, and they kept their jackets on because it was cold in the house. Today was a beautiful day, but cold. On my run I saw tons of Loomis Chaﬀee people. I saw Fred Seebeck, Susan Griﬃn, Louise Moran, and Mrs. Ross. I think that I used to be a next-door neighbor of Mrs.

Ross.

Popee asked me what book I was reading. When they were leaving, I asked him which book he was reading. He is reading a book on religion, and I told him

about the book on Helen Keller. He even named her teacher, Ms. Sullivan, so he has a good memory. I told him about how Ms. Sullivan would spell words on Helen’s hand. Popee had trouble going down the steps on the porch, and Mamaw provided some support. I think that Popee said that he will see me soon. Mamaw and Popee are nice. No humans can take the place of God though. The only thing that I have done today is ride my bike. I do not think that I will read tonight, but if I can, I think that that might be nice. I just hope that I can keep up my health.

I have not been feeling at all well lately, and I just have been afraid to get out of the house. I also have just stayed immobile thinking about what to do for long periods at a time. The time thinking has been too much. Also, the more that I think the less apt I am to do the thing that I am thinking about. I do not like thinking for long periods of time. Today is a beautiful day. I am glad that I was able to ride my bike today, and I did ride pretty well today. I hope that my night will be all right. Today I did do a lot of thinking. I wonder if Popee in a way suﬀers from the same thing. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to ride my bike. Maybe my periods of staying still will decrease. Lately in the past couple weeks, things have become much more diﬃcult for me. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to start a new book.

The book by Helen Keller was pretty inspiring, but I found some of the talk of college boring. I have been through those college things, so I found the talk of subjects kind of dull. She was writing the book while at Radcliﬀe. She likes Shakespeare. I think that she liked a lot of subjects in college. She found college diﬃcult and found that she did not have much solitude though she had time for solitude during the summer vacations, and she liked rowing a boat.

She had many friends, and among her friends were notables, like Mark Twain and Dr. Alexander Bell. She thought that Mark Twain was witty. Popee thought that she was a good woman. She ended her book by giving thanks to a lot of people. The book was only seventy-five pages long, and Keller says that it was only a sketch. She is a decent writer, and not diﬃcult to understand. Her teachers at Radcliﬀe were very supporting.

I do not know how much longer I am going to live. I hope that I can live a long life, but at this rate I will get psychotic in no time. I just hope that I can keep up this journal. Lately through all of my sickness my writing has been steady. I have not read enough, it seems. God has been with me, and He carries a certain grace with Him. He alone can guide me to feeling well. I would always like to do good things for Him. He helps me do them. I hope that I can begin to feel comfortable again. Maybe the key to feeling comfortable is talking to people.

My sister has been home, but has not been too bothersome. I think that she will be here till Tuesday, and then she probably will be home soon enough for Thanksgiving vacation. My sister asked me if I wanted anything at the mall, and I said that I did not. She sat next to me and put a hand on my knee, and I guess that that was pretty nice of her. I wonder how she is doing at college. She is a

smart person. I think that I am pretty smart too, but it is tough dealing with this illness.

I am looking forward to reading. My obsessions have diminished while I have not been feeling well though they have not disappeared. I am sure that they will be with me tonight. Last night I actually slept well. Now is the time to write my conclusion, and I do not have much time for it. I am lucky to have written today, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I wish the reader a goodbye, and I hope that I will be here tomorrow. Till then. Bye bye.

Monday, October 9 2000

I am reading The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Today I had a really successful day, and I was able to read pretty much. Today I read for about an hour and forty minutes, which is a lot for me lately. I do like the book that I am reading pretty much though the writing could be more virtuous. I did exercise some today. I ran for about twenty-three minutes. I ran one loop and a bit more on the River Trail. I saw a girl who was sitting up by the railroad tracks. I think that she was a high-school girl, for I think that she wore a maroon jacket. The jacket looked like it was a Windsor High School jacket. She said “Hi,” and then I said “Hi.” Then she asked me who I was. When I was jogging by, I did not know what to say, and then she said something like “Never mind.” So she was polite. My sister and my mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. I was thinking about going, but I decided not to. I did not sleep too well last night, and I want to sleep well tonight.

Today I read The Hunchback of Notre Dame some. The hunchback was introduced. The scene is Paris. The people were having a contest to see who could make the ugliest face, and whoever won the contest was to be made into their fake pope. The hunchback, Quasimodo, made a face, and everyone found him to be the winner. The main character in the book so far is the author of the play that was being performed. Only one person besides the author was paying any attention to the play. The scene is really raucous, reminding me of a Shakespeare play. The sheer raucousness of the play is the only thing that can get annoying. The author currently is trying to find a place to sleep. He followed a gypsy woman around, but he found himself in an alley of thieves and motley people. He is surrounded and in danger, and all he wants is a place to lie down and sleep.

I think that there had been some people who had thrown a mattress on him and then set the thing on fire. The beginning of the book featured a certain student who kept yelling and who was acting raucous. The crowd is generally bawdy. Paris must have been more like a carnival than a nice place. Hugo paints Paris this way. I think that the story takes place in the Middle Ages. There was no television or radio in the Middle Ages, so everyone got to do whatever together. Now everyone is inside watching television away from others, and the only place to meet these days outside of the house is the nightclub.

Quasimodo is a strong man, but he has a hunchback. He threw the author out of his way and sent him smashing on the ground, and the author got up slowly after that. I think that Quasimodo and a companion had caught the gypsy. Then the police intervened and subdued Quasimodo, and I wonder what will happen to the hunchback next. I feel kind of like a hunchback tonight, for I did not go to my grandparent’s house. I found that I lacked the drive to go. I have little drive to do much these days, but I must overcome the low motivation that I have. The medicine is tough on me, and the schizophrenia probably makes it even worse. After the police stopped Quasimodo, the gypsy asked one of them his name.

Then she quickly disappeared, to the dislike of the policemen.

Quasimodo is the bell ringer of the Notre Dame church, and many women have a hatred of him. They think that he is mean and lurks on their roofs. The truth of those assumptions remains unclear though I think that Hugo said that the men liked Quasimodo. Victor Hugo is pretty smart, and he was writing at a time when modern civilization was in full swing. I would say that modern civilization started in the seventeenth century.

Lately, I have been feeling kind of poorly mentally. I felt better after seeing Mamaw and Popee yesterday. Today I did run for about twenty-three minutes.

The sights on the River Trail were spectacular. Helen Keller would say that nature in all its splendor was there, and I say it. Nature was spectacular today, for the trees are full of colorful leaves. There were not many people on the River Trail today. I saw a young man stretching, and he looked like he was about to run. I saw my sister twice today on my run. I saw her on the big hill and when I was ending my run. She smiled and waved.

I passed the dog pound as usual, and I always see at least one dog there that I would like to have. I did run pretty well today. I do not know how I would have run if I tried running for a full half hour. I wore just the right amount of clothing today. The weather was very chilly really. I saw a boy and girl together on the trail. They were bent over and looking at something though there really was hardly anyone on the trail. My bike is still doing well though I did not ride it today. Therefore, there was no place for my bike. I guess that I could talk about Cheez Whiz or broccoli now that I am in the mood. Last night I had some good dreams, and I have had very good dreams lately. Now it is dark out. I think that when I started writing it was light. I hope that I will be able to ride my bike and to write tomorrow. Wednesday I have a psychiatrist appointment.

I guess that now I could talk some about my moods. Lately I have just not felt comfortable. I feel like I cannot go outside to exercise. I feel too afraid or too cowardly. I want to go out, but I feel like I cannot. I feel that I will not succeed. I feel like I cannot trust myself, and like I cannot do anything but go to the Windsor Library, listen to music, or watch television. There is not much to watch these days. The movies on television are all right but nothing great. When I am feeling poorly, I get depressed. All thoughts of academics disappear, and I just

watch television and feel bad while doing so. I have not felt too well mentally today, but today is a surprise because, although I felt bad, I was able to achieve things. I am looking forward to feeling less chaotic, and then things might get to normal.

I am getting kind of tired right now though I suppose that is normal.

Sitting in front of this computer for a while kind of makes me dizzy. Last night, my sister was out till about eleven-thirty, and I stayed up till she came home. I had some trouble sleeping. I think that my sister leaves for Wheaton College tomorrow, and she visited her friend Jon last night. They have been friends for a long time now.

Now I have to start my conclusion. Now I must conclude this entry. I am glad that I got to write today. I feel that I can at least keep up writing in my journal for times to come. I hope that eventually I can settle into an ideal schedule of academics and that the reader stays with me and sees if I can get better. Tonight I think that I will watch television and listen to some music. I guess that I will listen to Dvorak and Haydn. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, October 10 2000

Today I have been reading The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I read for about one hour and forty-seven minutes. I rode my bike for about a half hour. Today was quite cold, and I found that my hands were cold on my bike ride. I watched television some today. Last night, I read for a half hour, and I do like The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Tomorrow I have to go to the psychiatrist. My sister left for college today, and I am glad that she came home. She is probably doing a lot more academics than I am; I am not sure what classes she is taking. She is taking English, and she has a big pink book for the course. I think that the book is titled something like the English romantics. I wonder if the romantics were romantic. They might have been boring. They might be romantic in their books and poems, but making up for a lack of romanticism in their daily lives. I am actually beginning to respect Victor Hugo, who was pretty interesting. The story has been about this author. Now the story of Quasimodo is introduced, and he was left in a crib to be taken up by someone. He was not a baby but a small child at the time, and a priest decided to adopt him.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is an interesting book. There was a whole part devoted to explaining the view of Paris from the top of the cathedral of Notre Dame. Hugo describes all the diﬀerent landmarks from the mansions to the Louvre. There were three parts to Paris. The parts were the town, city, and university. He mentions the River Seine, and all the bridges around it. There are tons of houses, but on the outskirts of Paris I think that Hugo said that one could see the country. In the city, the streets formed a star pattern, and there were tons of them.

Hugo had already described the cathedral itself. It had become somewhat worn down through time but mostly through the diﬀerent political climates.

Some of the book is diﬃcult with the descriptions of Paris and the cathedral. Hugo talked about how cathedrals could be mixtures of the diﬀerent styles of the ages. There would be the Roman style and the Gothic style, and I think that there was a more modern style too and that a cathedral could be a mixture of the two styles. A lot of the stuﬀ mentioned in what I read today was simply the names of diﬀerent streets and cathedrals, and there were so many names.

Some of the names sound like Saint Genevieve and Rue la Vieve. There were many French names. The author’s name, who has been the protagonist, is Gringoire, and he was saved by a gypsy who said that she would be his wife. She had taken up the only way to save Gringoire’s life, which was to take up the oﬀer of the potential killer of Gringoire. The potential killer had asked if any woman wanted to take Gringoire as her husband, and he said that if there was nobody who wanted Gringoire, that he would be hanged. The gypsy said that she would marry him, but she never meant it. She just did not want to see anyone hanged.

Gringoire tried to put the moves on the gypsy, but she grabbed a dagger and said that she did not want to marry him. Then Gringoire said that he wanted to be her friend, and she said that she might. She gave him something to eat, and he had a place to stay though no bed. I wonder what will happen to him now.

The reason that I bought the book is that there is a movie on it. I think that the movie was good, so I thought that the book might be all right. The movie is a famous one, no doubt, because the hunchback throws a mighty character, and I remember liking the character very much. I do not like the character as much in the book in which he is portrayed more as an aesthetic monster. I guess that I could tell the reader what some of the other books are that I bought because I had heard of the movie. I got Dracula by Bram Stoker and The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. My obsessions are attacking me right now, and I do not like that. I wonder how those books are, and I will probably read them. The Hunchback of Notre Dame has gotten better as it has gone along.

My sister watched a show last night with someone whom she knew from Loomis in it, and the girl’s name is Katherine Waterston. I had wanted to watch a movie during this time, but I decided not to pursue my claim to the television for long. Now my sister is at college. She has a friend from Loomis at Wheaton College named Kelly Moran, and she is the daughter of the same Mrs. Moran that I see on my exercises sometimes. Last night, I saw part of the show “The Pretender.” The show is all right, but it is so fake. The show would never happen in real life. I wonder if any of my acquaintances from Loomis Chaﬀee watch the show.

I did have a good bike ride today. I passed a woman, with short clean blond hair, who was walking two dogs. One of them looked serenely at me as I passed by. There are many fallen leaves on the trail. I rode three loops of the River Trail, which is my usual. I passed a very fat man and a woman, who was

walking with him and who was smoking. Today I watched some dirt-bike jumping. A competition was going on, and the riders were really skillful. One of them did a backwards flip in the air. They were using regular BMX bikes. The announcer was pretty knowledgeable -about bikes at least- and pretty social.

My bike rides really well, and I am getting to respect my bike more now. I have ridden it many miles, and she still purrs. Lately it has begun to get dark.

When I started writing, it was pretty light out. Tomorrow I have to go to my appointment, which is my weekly checkup, and I feel like I am going to get a checkup every week. I do not much like doing so. Now I must go. I hope that my health continues to be all right. I really want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house this Saturday, and I hope that I will be well enough mentally to go. Tonight I hope to relax, and I do not think that I will do any reading. Tomorrow I do not think that I will write because I have the psychiatrist appointment. I will likely be here Thursday to continue my journal, and I hope to see the reader then after a one-day break. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, October 11 2000

I was not able to go to the psychiatrist’s today, as I did not have the car.

Although my dad was supposed to be home, he got home late, so I did not have a car to drive to Hartford. I have missed a lot of appointments lately. I had to call the psychiatrist and tell him that I could not make it, and he is probably mad at me. My dad was disappointed. Today was a beautiful day, and it was much warmer than usual. I did bike today, and I rode for about a half hour. I also did some reading today for about an hour and a half. Victor Hugo is an all-right writer, but he is not my favorite. He is kind of longwinded though some of his ideas are interesting, and he seems to know some about architecture. Today really was a beautiful day, and a day like this does not come around very often. I hope that tomorrow is like today. There were some people on the River Trail today. I do like riding my bike.

I guess that I could talk about the well-written book The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Hugo was just writing about how before the printing press, civilization had told all of its ideas in its architecture. He says that the cathedrals told the story of the civilization. When the printing press arrived, Hugo said that the people no longer put so much emphasis on architecture.

Hugo also told the story of Claude Frollo, who adopted the hunchback. He adopted him as a charitable deed, and he was then a nice, very learned man.

Claude got close to the hunchback, and they even had a system of signs by which they communicated. The hunchback became deaf, and there were secret signals between the two. Quasimodo would do anything to please Claude. He loved the cathedral more than anything, and Quasimodo spent all of his time there. He was the bell ringer, and he liked being around them. The cathedral of Notre Dame was Quasimodo’s life.

Quasimodo was strong, and he liked to climb the cathedral and get into nooks and crannies. His only friend was Claude, who was very smart, but people would view him as a kind of sorcerer. He used to study regular works, but now he likes alchemy and has a secret cell in the cathedral that he uses. People saw it lighted at night. They found Claude very eerie.

When Claude and Quasimodo walked out in public sometimes, people would make fun of them. There were some visitors to Claude’s cell, who showed that he was caught up in alchemy. The visitor who was a doctor thought that Claude was mad. Claude reminds me of Doctor Faustus, yet only in his academics does he resemble Faustus. His personality is kind, and he does not desire the pleasures of the senses that daze Faustus.

My bike ride was fun, and I passed an assortment of people. I passed one man who was dressed in army pants, and he was pushing a walker containing a baby. The combination was strange. I passed a man whom I usually do see on my rides. He is an older man who carries a walking stick and who wears boat shoes. I did three loops today. I really do like riding my bike. I passed an old couple. I passed a youngish man who was wearing a sweatshirt. I think that I even saw an older jogger today.

I passed the dog pound. The dogs did not bark much when I passed them if they barked at all. I have ridden my bike regularly for a while now, and I find that I cannot live without it. I wonder if other people my age stay in shape. I wonder if my former Loomis classmates like Rob Albro and Chris Merrill are active, and they might or might not be in shape. I got a piece of mail from Loomis Chaﬀee lately, as I have been invited to a dinner though I will not go.

Loomis Chaﬀee has its good and bad points in my life though I look on it very favorably, and I respect the place a lot.

I have been listening to music lately at night. I listened to Dvorak and Mussorgsky last night. Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition was disappointing, and I like Dvorak very much. I also got to hear a short work called Night on Bald Mountain by Rimsky-Korsakov. Dvorak employed a very catching folk melody in his bagatelles, and Tchaikovsky also employs a folk melody in his Fourth Symphony. The melodies are really fun to listen to, and they adapt to the piece very well. Recently I have also listened to Beethoven’s Fifth and Seventh Symphonies, and I like the Fifth Symphony better than the Seventh. The Fifth, as everyone says, is his most popular symphony. I guess that that is the popular opinion. The Fifth Symphony must have an explosive character. My attempts at jokes are failing. My favorite composer is Mozart, but I do not have much of his work. I have his last five symphonies but not much else, and I like Beethoven too. I do not like what I have heard of Tchaikovsky except his Fourth Symphony, but I like Rimsky-Korsakov very much. I also like some other composers, but I would say that Mozart is my favorite composer.

There is not much on television these days. Sometimes I watch television in the afternoons, and, when I do, I have been watching sports. I watch surfing,

BMX riding, wakeboarding, skateboarding, and inline skating. There is nothing else on in the afternoons. I am getting well along in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I wonder how Quasimodo will fare. One develops a close connection with Quasimodo, who is not a character whom one hates though he is feared by the people of Paris. When I started writing it was light, and now it is quite dark. The sky is dark. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I missed my appointment today with Mr. Bozzuto, but I will still keep him as my psychiatrist. I am glad that I have some decent books to read. God has kept me healthy, and I feel a lot of gratitude to Him. I look up to Him always. I must go now, and I hope that I will write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Thursday, October 12 2000

I have had a successful day so far. I have been able to read and to ride my bike. I read The Hunchback of Notre Dame today for about two hours. I do like the book pretty well, but I do not see too much of a moral in the book. The book does not have something transcendent in it; I do not see a vision for it.

Sometimes when I am reading it, I kind of would rather be reading something else. What I really would like to study now is science. I would like to study chemistry, then physics, and then biology. I am very interested in those subjects, and I would like to read loads of textbooks on science. The book that I am reading do not have science in it. I wish that those science textbooks were not so hard to find. Well, they are not hard to find, but one has to go to Trinity College to get them. I wonder what the English classes at Trinity College use for books. I wonder how smart Victor Hugo was. On the front of the book is a painting of a cathedral, which I suppose is supposed to represent the cathedral of Notre Dame. In a way I am happy that I do not live in the Middle Ages in France.

I think that the Middle Ages in England would be much grander, and I would not mind being a knight. I would like to live in one of those middle-aged castles or even to be a monk in a cathedral or in an abbey. Tonight might be concert night in town, and I might not be able to get in a full entry. There probably will be a town concert tonight. There were a lot of great books written in the Middle Ages, and I think that the age was concomitant with good books. I do not think that the printing press was available for most if not for all of the Middle Ages. I wonder what the technical times for the Middle Ages were, and I am guessing that the Middle Ages began in about 1100 and went to about 1500. I was just rudely interrupted in this entry. I must go now, but I hope that I will be here tomorrow. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, October 13 2000

Today has been successful though I would like to do less academics than yesterday. I have read The Hunchback of Notre Dame and have ridden my bike.

Today is a beautiful day. Yesterday, I did not have a complete entry, but a complete entry is my goal today. I was reading the Victor Hugo novel, and the book is going well. Last night, I read some of the introduction to the Decameron for about forty minutes. Tomorrow I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I have not been out anywhere for a long time now, and I think that it would be good for my mental health if I get out. Today I had a good bike ride, and I passed like an entire classroom of kids, who were out walking on the River Trail. I miss my grandparents.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is coming along well. Claude is into some arcane subjects. He is into alchemy. Victor Hugo does not approve of the subjects that Claude is into. Claude’s brother Jehan also does not like what Claude is into. Tonight, I kind of want to relax. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s. Last night, after my journal entry I watched television and then decided to read some of the introduction to The Decameron. Boccaccio was part of the nobility in Italy. I think that many writers were in the nobility. Otherwise, it would be hard to get one’s work out there and published. Boccaccio wrote more than The Decameron, but I will bet that The Decameron is his best book. Chaucer based some of his poems on Boccaccio’s works.

Boccaccio used Dante’s main book as a source. Virgil was the inspiration for Dante as Dante was the inspiration for Boccaccio. I got all this from the introduction, but I do not know how accurate it is.

Claude Frollo is teaching this man named Jacques about some arcane subjects. He hid Jehan, who had been asking for money, in his cell when Jacques came. Jehan was nibbling on some cheese, though, so he was too loud. Claude said that his cat was eating some cheese. Then Claude quickly got Jacques out of his cell and led him to a door that Jacques wanted to know about. Claude is a strange figure, and he is somewhat mad. He used to be just very smart, but then he started dabbling in alchemy and lost sight of the virtue in books. Jehan is a friend of Phoebus, a soldier who is very interested in seducing a gypsy woman.

The gypsy is the same woman who saved Gringoire’s life. The gypsy has a goat, which she trained. Claude Frollo is very interested in the gypsy woman for some reason, but I am not sure why. Quasimodo looks on the gypsy very well, for when he was being beaten publicly, the gypsy answered his plea for water. She had brought him his water. After the incident of his public beating, Quasimodo no longer rang the bells much for a time, and he only rang them as far as was needed. Yet he has gotten back into the ringing of them now, and he is regaining his happiness, which consists of those bells. He still looks up to Claude as to a father.

Phoebus and Claude’s brother, Jehan, went to a bar. There they got pretty intoxicated. Phoebus was more used to drinking than Jehan. Jehan got drunk, but Phoebus still had his bearing because he was used to drinking. I guess that Phoebus is going to meet the gypsy woman though I am not sure why she would see him. She is a kind and caring lady, and her goat’s name is Djali. The goat has

been trained to spell Phoebus with some letters. There are some lady aristocrats who are jealous of the nice looks of the gypsy.

Phoebus had invited the gypsy to their place to dance for them. The ladies were jealous, so they decided to criticize her ragged clothes since that was all there was to criticize. The woman who was to be married to Phoebus was also jealous. The Hunchback of Notre Dame is well written. The book is pretty long, but is not nearly as long as Hugo’s Les Miserables. I wonder what Les Miserables is about. The next book that I will read will probably be The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. My obsessions these days are still there, but I hope that someday they will not pester me. I have been sleeping well lately, but I would like it if I could get up earlier in the morning. I wonder what will happen to the gypsy woman.

There was a woman who had her baby stolen. She was in a sort of cell, and people go by and say kind words or give food though I am not sure exactly what the thing was. There was a woman who knew her story. The story went that the woman had a beautiful baby, and she made her baby really nice booties. The baby meant everything to the lady though one day the baby disappeared, ruining the woman. The woman disappeared, and she was thought to have drowned herself. The woman in the cell turned out to be the woman in the story. The woman in the cell wanted some water, but did not want the cake that a woman, who knew her story, and her friends had brought. The story of the woman was a sad one.

I had a good bike ride today, and I passed this whole mass of kids. I wonder where they were from. They probably were from close by. I think that the mass was a bunch of maybe fifth or sixth graders. Some were running after one another, and the teacher seemed to be bunched behind. None of them seemed to notice me or to say “Hello.” They were all involved in their walk. My bike is still holding up well even though I use it so often. There are still a lot of fallen leaves on the trail.

I like biking very much, and I think that I like it even more than jogging. I like biking because one goes pretty fast. Jogging takes up too much of my energy, for my weight probably hampers me some. I have been watching a lot a show called “The Pretender,” which is on in the early night. I do not know why it is so luring, but I do watch it nearly every night. The show is about a man who takes on diﬀerent jobs and tries to help people. The show has a lot of computers in it and is kind of high tech. The show captures me, and I find it hard to watch anything else though the show might not be very good for my mental health. I miss most of all the mall and the movie theater. I had fun going to those places though I did go to Bazilians lately. Still, I can do without them. God helps me and gives me strength. I guess that I will watch “The Pretender” tonight.

The show stars a man whom these people at The Centre are trying to catch though I do not want to talk too much about the show. Today I listened to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and a quartet by Antonin Dvorak. I like Beethoven’s

Fifth Symphony very much, and I can see how it is a popular piece. I do like listening to music very much. I used to like bands like Veruca Salt, No Doubt, and Ace of Base. I still like them. Ace of Base used to be my favorite group. Last night, I decided to read some of the introduction to The Decameron because The Decameron is one of my favorite books. The book is very large, and I think that there are one hundred stories in it.

Now I am going to write my conclusion. Today is a really beautiful day, and I am glad that I was able to go and ride my bike. Tonight I want to relax. I will probably watch television a lot. There is a conflict going on between the Israelis and the Palestinians, and there have been some deaths. I hope that it will be resolved peacefully, as they say. Now I am oﬀ. I do not think that I will write tomorrow, and I hope that I can see Mamaw and Popee. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she is still reading my journal. Bye bye.

Monday, October 16 2000

I have been feeling terrible. I do not know if I am getting psychotic. I have not done anything today. I have an appointment, but I do not think that I will go. I feel like the world is caving in on me. Today is a nice day although it is overcast. Yesterday I read for about an hour, but I could not do much more. I ran for about twelve minutes just to get some fresh air. I could not bike yesterday or do a full run. My head felt like a balloon about to pop. I do not know how long my sanity is going to last. I feel really bad.

Yesterday I printed some of my journal, and the ink cartridge ran out of ink. I do not want to get psychotic. My obsessions are pretty bad still though I feel glad to write here. I do not know if I will get psychotic though. I feel terrible. I just want to be healthy. I cannot exercise. I am really in no shape to write this entry now. My parents are at work. I feel like I am going crazy. I guess that I should go now. I hope that I can stay sane. I will go now, and I might go to the library. Bye bye.

Wednesday, October 18 2000

I went to my psychiatrist appointment today. I did not know what he was going to do. He did not increase my Zyprexa. My mom drove me to the appointment, and she stayed in the car. I am writing in the evening though it is not yet dark out. I did manage to read a half hour of The Hunchback of Notre Dame today. The doctor thinks that I should go to a treatment program. I brought up the idea. I had been feeling awful, but now I feel somewhat better. My mom talked a lot in the car. I feel kind of tired right now. Today I watched part of E.T., which is about the alien E.T. Yesterday I watched an Indiana Jones movie, and I have seen that Indiana Jones movie many times. I have had a hard time doing much of anything. I do not know if things will get any better. I hope

that I can finish this entry and can continue writing in my journal. I guess that I could go to a day treatment center, and I could go for a couple of weeks maybe. The psychiatrist mentioned returning to college. I do not see how I can do that. I would like to do that, but that does not seem plausible. My obsessions seem to be worse today for some reason.

I have not exercised for what seems like a long time, and I need exercise. I should never give up on my journal. I guess that I should go to a treatment program. The obsessions are pretty bad. My life is kind of a mess right now. I did get to read some today. I have been watching television like continually though I probably should not do that. I guess that I should go to a treatment place though I would much rather stay here at home. The psychiatrist thinks that I should return to school. He said that I was depressed, but I do not know if I am.

Now it is getting dark. My mom drove me to the psychiatrist’s, and she was really nice to drive me. She was perky. I might have to go to a treatment program though I do not want to go to the Institute of Living. I would not mind going to the Hartford program at the hospital though. My parents might get a new car. I mentioned getting an Acura, but my mom did not even know what an Acura was. I do not understand how my mom could not know what an Acura was. I am not going to complain about that. I talked a lot at my appointment today.

I have not been outside as much as I would like. I wish that I was on the River Trail today. Today was rainy, and I might not have been able to go on the River Trail even if I wanted to. I guess that I could go to the day-treatment place in Hartford. I liked the people there more than at the institute. I would like to go for about two weeks, and I would like to see what it is like. Then maybe I will be able to make plans to go to Trinity College in the spring. Trinity might not be too easy to attend with me feeling poorly. I have not studied Latin or Greek for a long time, and I would not mind taking courses in those subjects next semester. I do like the ancient languages. I should probably go to a day-treatment program if there is one available.

I have not written a full entry since last Friday. I think that Saturday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s. I do not remember what I did Sunday, but then things might have turned for the worse. Monday I wrote a mini-entry, and one can see how bad things were then. Yesterday I also felt poorly. I felt poorly for most of today, but I got some relief from talking to Mr. Bozzuto. Still, I hope that he knows what he is doing. He thinks that I have depression, and he might be right. My mom was nice to drive me today. I think that going to the day-treatment place might be the right move. I might not be treated very well exactly, but I will likely learn about what other people are going through. I might be treated well by the patients. I guess that I cannot do academics very well if I am at home here with no companions and that I should have a support structure for me. Maybe that would help me get over my so-called depression. My mom talked a lot in the

car, and she mentioned a card that Carol had sent her. She showed me the card, and the first sentence was really funny. My mom has driven a lot today.

She had to drive to Glastonbury for work and then to Hartford, and she even stayed in the car while I had my appointment. I guess that I should go to the day-treatment center. Then I should think maybe about returning to college. I certainly would like to go to school, but who knows how things will turn out.

God willing, I will continue writing in this journal. He gives me strength, and I look up to Him always. Tonight I think that I will watch some television and listen to some Mozart. Last night, I listened to a CD with a lot of trumpet music on it.

I wonder if it is still raining. It is quite cold out. I have been sleeping well. I wonder what tomorrow will look like. I hope that I will soon be able to finish the novel that I am reading, and I do not have too much left to read. Quasimodo is talking to the gypsy woman now. Quasimodo cares for her very much, and she is beginning to appreciate his personality. He is really a very nice person. I have been watching television a lot. Maybe if I go to the treatment program, that will give me something else to do. I am glad that I have written today, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I do not want to give up writing here, and I want to continue the tradition. I am glad that I saw Mr. Bozzuto today. I hope that I will feel better as time rolls on. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

Thursday, October 19 2000

Today is really spectacular: the trees are really colorful, and the day is not too cold. I did go on a bike ride. My obsessions are still annoying, and they have gotten worse lately. I am nearing the end of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. A bunch of ruﬃans were trying to break into the cathedral. They wanted to rescue the gypsy woman. I should be through with the book soon. Last night, I read for about fifty minutes. My bike ride today was good, and I was able to do three loops without much trouble though I got tired at the end. I read for about an hour today. The gypsy woman is in the sanctuary of the church, but there is an order to kill her. Therefore, the church can no longer provide sanctuary. There is a band of thieves that wants to rescue her. Quasimodo was up in the cathedral, defending it, and he dropped a huge thing on them. Then he dropped large rocks on them, and he also poured molten lead in the gutters. I think that many people died in his attack. Jehan got a ladder, and he will try to scale the wall to a door that he thinks is open. Jehan is Claude Frollo’s brother.

Quasimodo likes the gypsy very much, but he is ashamed of his ugliness in front of her. Claude tried to attack her, but she warded oﬀ his amorous intentions. My obsessions are so annoying. Quasimodo cares for the gypsy. He cares for her like he cares for Claude, and he wants to protect her. After all, he did save her from execution. I still do not know how he could have pulled that oﬀ. All the gypsy cares about is her Phoebus, who is a mean man, but she still

likes him. It seems that she cares only about looks. Quasimodo even oﬀered to fetch Phoebus for her, and he waited by his mansion for hours. The love of Phoebus for the gypsy was short-lived and never true.

Now he is with Fleur de Lys, who is an aristocrat. The gypsy girl only cares about looks, not about substance. She is not a mean woman, but she sticks to Phoebus too much. She is currently in a cell in the cathedral. She got some good sleep, and she felt some peace in the cathedral of Notre Dame. Then when the priest attacked her, all of her horror came back. Quasimodo defended her, and he could not see her attacker’s face. When he saw Claude, he asked to be killed before he went after her. Quasimodo would rather die than have anything happen to the gypsy woman. Claude has been driven near mad by the gypsy woman though Quasimodo still respects the priest.

Jehan has joined the band of thieves. He seems to be a degenerate, but he does not fall prey to the passionate love of Claude Frollo. Claude had been a kind priest, but now he has turned into a veritable monster. All he cares for is the gypsy. There are a lot of leaves on the ground, and they look orange. I can hear the sound of some machine out there, and I hope that it does not come in the yard. I wonder what will happen to the gypsy woman, whose name is La Esmeralda. My obsessions are really terrible, and they seem to be worse lately. I cannot get through a minute it seems without them attacking me. I hate the obsessions. I will bet that the gypsy will live, and maybe she will live in the cathedral though she might die. Claude is obsessed with her.

My bike ride was great, and it sure went better than this journal entry is going. There were pretty many people on the trail. I passed two older men, who are regulars on the trail. I passed an old woman who also is a regular. I passed a young woman smoking, and she is the same woman whom I saw smoking before. There was also a group of kids in the parking lot near a school van. The trail had leaves all over it. The river looks nice, but it is still somewhat dried up. I probably should end my journal somewhat earlier today. I will end it earlier because my obsessions during this entry have tired me out.

I will have written today for about fifty minutes, so I will have written nearly a full entry though I feel bad that I have to leave so early. I hope that in the coming weeks I can get a big string of full entries in. I think that I will go to the day-treatment center. Maybe that will help with my depression. If I stay at home and get depressed, then I should go outside and talk with people with problems. I feel safe here at home, but maybe I should just get outside to avoid being depressed. I guess that I could do that. I really must go now. I will actually have written about fifty-five minutes today. I am oﬀ. Hopefully, I will see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, October 20 2000

I have had a challenging day so far. I did ride my bike today. Today is another beautiful day, and the trees look very nice. I was able to read The Hunchback of Notre Dame today. I do like the book, and I am almost through with it. I did not sleep too well last night. I kept getting up. I hope that I sleep well tonight. The next book that I will read will probably be The Three Musketeers. I guess that they have muskets. I think that there were muskets in the book that I am reading. Now there are machine guns. I do not know if I want to go to the day-treatment place, but the psychiatrist wants me to go there. He wants me to return to college. I do not know what the future of this journal will be, but I think that I should keep writing in it. I feel kind of strange right now. I saw a young woman with a tiny girl. The woman said “Hi” to me, and she seemed nice. The girl was really small, and I think that the she was wearing something pink.

If I keep reading, then I will probably finish The Hunchback of Notre Dame

tomorrow.

I do not know what to think about going to a day-treatment center, and I feel apprehensive about going. Yet maybe I should go. I do not know what to think. I would like going to the one next to the Hartford Hospital if I went to one. I probably feel depressed right now. I am glad that I am writing now though.

Last night I read part of the introduction to The Decameron for about forty minutes, and it was kind of boring and had many superfluous things in it. Boccaccio wrote quite a long time ago. The Hunchback of Notre Dame is ending in a conflict between the troops of King Louis and the ruﬃans of Paris. There was a portrait of Louis in which he was depicted as an angry old man, and he is also painted as a rather mean man. He also almost hanged Gringoire, who was found among the rabble-rousers. Gringoire said a bunch to the king that changed his mind. Gringoire told the king about how he was innocent and about how he was not taking part in the revolt.

The hunchback is glad because the troops of the king have dispersed the ruﬃans. The forces have better weapons too. La Esmeralda has been taken from her cell, and Gringoire and his friend have snuck her out of Notre Dame and into a boat. I am right at the point in the book where they have gotten her in the boat. I have been thinking a lot just now about publishing my journal. I guess that I could publish it, but there are parts that need to be cut. I have about five years’ worth of my journal. I have worked at it long enough, and maybe now is the time to have it published. Penguin would be a good publisher, and I would not mind seeing my journal published by Penguin. I wonder if I could actually publish it though there would be so much that would need editing. I would need countless hours to cut passages though I need to have this journal published sometime. I guess that I could try getting it published in about a year. I have put in a lot of hard work in this journal, and I would like it to pay oﬀ.

Tonight I think that I will read The Hunchback of Notre Dame for about a half hour. I wonder how my journal compares to the regular novels that are out there, and if my journal comes close to being as good as The Decameron. My

journal certainly is long. Not much is happening in the news. There was a United States ship called The Cole that was bombed by some terrorists, and there is a conflict in the Middle East between the Israelis and the Palestinians. The presidential race is still going on. George Bush and Al Gore are neck and neck, as they say, as the election gets closer. I still have been watching “The Pretender.”

Last night, some rogues tried to kill Ms. Parker’s father. Ms. Parker saves her father, and they both go to the grave of Ms. Parker’s mother. The show probably is not good for my psyche. I wonder if the hunchback is going to die. Quasimodo deserves to live. I wonder how old he is. I hope that La Esmeralda lives. Claude Frollo’s brother Jehan was thrown from the cathedral by Quasimodo, and I think that he is dead. I got up this morning early, but then later in the morning I dozed oﬀ some. I would like to listen to some music tonight, and I might get to that. I have not been to Loomis Chaﬀee in a long time, and I also have not been to Trinity College in a while. I wonder if I will go to the day-treatment place.

Tonight I think that I will read some. After I read I think that I will relax. I hope that God will help me along my way, and I always look up to Him for support. He helps me always, and I always see Him in a good light. I guess that I will watch “The Pretender” tonight. I wish the reader well, and I hope the reader finds help in God too. I hope that I can get over this depression. Maybe the future will bring good tidings though I must not hope for too much. I am oﬀ.

Bye bye.

Sunday, October 22 2000

I have finished The Hunchback of Notre Dame; I finished it last night. The ending was all right. I am reading The Three Musketeers. Dumas is a far diﬀerent writer than Hugo, and he has a lot of comedy in his book. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s. Today is a nice day, but it is sort of cold. The leaves are falling oﬀ of the trees. Yesterday, my sister came home, and she surprised everyone. She left last night. I had a good visit at Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, and I talked to Mamaw some. She thinks that going to the day-treatment place is a good idea. She says that if I do not like it, I could stop. She thinks that I should try it. Mamaw gave me some tapioca yesterday. I did not get to talk to Popee much. We did not play ping-pong, but we will next time I go over. Popee mentioned to me how he chauﬀeured for a rich lady while he was at Trinity College.

I miss playing ping-pong though. I do not know if I will ever return to Trinity. I certainly think that going would be the right thing to do. I guess that that is the case. I know my entire family would want me to go there, and I wish that I was there. Popee said that the rich lady whom he drove around liked real estate and was looking for places in Vermont. She lived in a really big

condominium in Hartford or West Hartford. Popee said that she liked to have him drive fast. I think that is the case, but I am not sure. Sometimes Popee slurs his speech, which makes him hard to understand, yet most of the time he is as clear as a whistle.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame ended with the death of La Esmeralda and the priest. La Esmeralda was hung. When the priest laughed at the sight of her dangling on the gibbet, Quasimodo threw him oﬀ the cathedral. The priest crashed on a house, and he died. Quasimodo’s body was found in a big structure, which held the people who died from being hanged, and his arms were around La Esmeralda. So, the story ended up being a tragedy of sorts. Neither Quasimodo nor Claude Frollo got the gypsy woman. The Three Musketeers is about a group of musketeers who serve the king, and they are in conflict morally with the soldiers of the cardinal. The book so far is about a man who happened to find himself in a quarrel with the three musketeers.

He managed to anger each of them individually, and he had a duel with each with the sword at a diﬀerent time on the same day. At his first quarrel he meets his first musketeer, who happened to bring along the others. Then ensued a comedic discussion about how the same man managed to draw up a quarrel with each musketeer at diﬀerent times of the day. I think that the first quarrel was due at noon, the second at one o’clock, and the third at two o’clock. The man soon made up with the musketeers as soon as the guards of the cardinal came along to break up the melee. The man and the musketeers joined forces and defied the guards. They then got into a big fight, and that is where I am at in the story right now.

The Three Musketeers is kind of boring, but I might just be bored with the books that I am reading. I want to read some chemistry, biology, or physics. I am sick of reading novels, as it seems that all the novels have the same subject matter though I might be wrong. I wonder if I will make it back to Trinity College, and I certainly would not mind returning there. The Three Musketeers was originally a story told in parts in a newspaper in France, and the book is even longer than The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I think that it has around seven hundred pages. I miss science very much, and I miss chemistry most of all. If I returned to college, then I would be able to take chemistry, yet I would probably not take this because I would have to go to labs. Some kids from Loomis Chaﬀee came over today to try and fix my mom’s computer, but I am not sure if they did so. I saw them when I was putting my bike away in the garage. They were going on rollerblades, and one asked me if this was Doc’s house. I said that it was. I could not fix my mom’s computer, which is so old.

I did ride my bike today for a half hour. There were bundles of people on the River Trail though nobody said “Hi” to me. Oh well. I passed so many people. I wonder if any of them get angry at me for passing by them, and I hope that they do not. Sometimes I have to slow down to pass people. There were a lot of older people on the trail. I saw a man and a woman walking on the trail

who were dressed very neatly in expensive-looking clothes. I passed a very attractive young woman who was with a little girl. I am guessing that it was her daughter. They both were on rollerblades.

I talked to Mamaw yesterday. I told her that the doctor thought that I was depressed. I think that she asked me what being depressed felt like, and I said that I did not know. She was just wondering if I really was depressed, and she seemed skeptical about it. I told her that Mr. Bozzuto wanted me to get out, and she asked me what I thought about that. She was very supportive. She said that I could try going to the day treatment treatment place and that if I did not like it, I did not have to go. I watched my dad put together a bookcase, and Mamaw said that I was like the supervisor. I found that funny. I was useful in one way, for I told my dad to turn one of the shelves around. I helped to bring the bookcase up to one of Mamaw’s rooms, and she put some of Popee’s genealogy books in there. They all had coﬀee. My mom and Popee sat outside while Mamaw, dad, and I were in the kitchen with the bookcase.

There is not much on television, and the movies on television are boring. I have not listened to music lately as much as I used to. The other night I listened to some of Dvorak. The problem with music is that I can listen to a CD about five times before it gets monotonous. The library is a convenient place to find CDs to listen to. The CDs that I have have got to be brought back by the twenty eighth, I think. My mom is at Mamaw and Popee’s right now, and I kind of wish that I could be over there. I do not know if I am living a healthy life. I mean that without visitors or friends I do not know if I am living in the best way. Still, there are many good things about the things that I am doing now. I do care for myself. There is no way to tell if I ever will get psychotic again. My mom was baking something today in the oven. I miss my grandparents already. Tonight, I think that I will read about a half hour of Alexandre Dumas. Last night, I read for about two hours. Now is the time to write my conclusion. I hope that I will be able to watch some television tonight. I guess that I am glad that I wrote today. I am going to have to decide if I ever will want to publish this journal. I will have to decide if I want people to read it. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, October 23 2000

Today I went to the Windsor Library, and I got out some CDs. The CDs that I tried were terrible. I listened to some Dvorak and Mozart, and both were terribly boring. I have not listened to the Schubert or Beethoven CDs that I got out though they might not be much better. Today I did read for about an hour, and I started a new book because I was getting tired of the Three Musketeers. I think that I will stick with The Three Musketeers even though the subject matter might be kind of repetitive. The book that I was reading today was one by Nadine Gordimer, and it is called None to Accompany Me.

I think that I had heard of her first at Loomis Chaﬀee. The book is not exactly easy to read. I will probably stick to The Three Musketeers, which I read last night for about a half hour. Today I had a good bike ride for about a half hour, and for most of my ride there were not many people on the River Trail.

Today was a beautiful day, for the sun was out and the trees looked pretty. I decided not to write this afternoon, and I waited until after dinner to write this. I guess that I just kind of got lazy today. There was not much to see in the library. I got excited about a pick of music that I thought would be good, but there was no reason for it. The CDs I got were not a prime choice. My obsessions are still with me, and they are still quite annoying.

The Three Musketeers is also a candy bar. There have probably been tons of movies made of Dumas’s book. I think that I heard of the book from hearing of the movie. I certainly have heard of the candy bar. There are movies out for tons of books. There is a movie out for Emma by Jane Austen. So far in the book, the three musketeers have gotten into a fight with the cardinal’s guards. The cardinal is called His Eminence. I am not sure what the king is called, but he might be called His Majesty. The musketeers, along with their newly found sidekick named something like d’Artangnan, beat the cardinal’s guards. The musketeers see d’Artagnan as a mere boy, so he is highly praised for fighting so well. The musketeers were outmanned, and one of the musketeers, I think Athos, had a prior wound from a diﬀerent fight. D’ Artagnan was the hero of the fight. He was relatively inexperienced, but he was brave. I think that a man with the last name of de Treville was in charge of the musketeers. I think that there were a couple fights between the cardinal’s men that the musketeers had gotten themselves into. Suﬃce it to say, that there has been a lot of fighting in the book. Since the book revolves around sword fights, it is why it is kind of boring. There is not a lot of description. The book has a lot of action. I do not think that Alexandre Dumas went to college, but he supposedly read a lot. All one needs is to read a lot, and one can become a good author.

The king had gone out on a hunt though he was disappointed with his hunt because something went wrong. He also complained about his not being able to go hawking. I am not sure of the reason why he cannot go hawking, but it might be because his falcon has died. I would love to have my own falcon, and being a falconer. I think that being a falconer would be a lot of fun. I would wear one of those hefty gloves whereon the falcon would perch with pride.

My falcon and I would be friends. The three musketeers are named Athos, Porthos, and Aramis. The names are strange. The king knows de Treville, and he likes how the musketeers have fared in their fights. He is happy to see them win though he oﬃcially has to make sure that the musketeers do not cause any trouble. I think that the cardinal refused to play cards with the king for about a week because of the musketeers’ behavior. I think that there are many musketeers but that the three musketeers along with d’Artagnan are the troublemakers.

I feel lucky to even be able to have a book that I can read. God has allowed me the circumstances for which I can read. I not only have been lucky enough to buy books but I also am able to have the health to read them. The Three Musketeers is a pretty decent book. Now it is getting darker. I will bet that by the time that I finish this entry it will be almost pitch black. I hope that I will be able to write in my journal this week. I wonder what can possibly happen to the three musketeers and d’ Artagnan besides their fights. They fight with swords. I am not sure when the novel takes place, but I think that it is in the seventeenth century.

I have been thinking about going to the day-treatment place. I do not want to go to the Institute of Living. I am thinking that I might want to go to the other one, which is near the Hartford Hospital. I think that that would be a good idea. I just need the bravery to go there. My studies might falter, but then again they might not. I will bet that Mamaw and Popee would encourage me going. I do not mind the place, and I would probably go from like ten to one though I do not think that I would make it in at nine in the morning when the program starts.

The people that I met there when I visited before were nice. The rooms are kind of freaky and small though. Still, I do not mind too much. I might try going, and I think that that might just be a good idea. I should probably go there.

I did ride today. Nobody said “Hi” to me. People rarely say “Hi” to me. I saw some Loomis football players on their field and a couple of Loomis vans. I wonder what sport they were going to practice for. Now it is beginning to get quite cool. Halloween is coming up. It is is only about a week away. I will probably eat some candy, and I might even get a Three Musketeers. I wore my Trinity College blue athletic pants and my purple sweatshirt on my ride today. My sweatshirt is a faded purple that is not really awkward-looking. I do not have that much time left. Tonight I think that I will watch some television. I guess that I will watch that show “The Pretender.” The show is addicting and bad for my psyche, but there is not much else on. The show is about this guy named Jarod. As the show says, he likes to help the weak and abused. The addicting show uses those words. I probably should not be watching it. Now I am oﬀ. I wish the reader well. I will likely be here tomorrow. Bye bye.

Tuesday, October 24 2000

I am still reading The Three Musketeers, which is extremely easy to read. I recently got home from a bike ride. My bike ride went well even though I went somewhat slower than usual. Today is quite cool. Last night I was freezing in bed. Very early this morning I had to get another comforter to keep me heated, and I did sleep pretty well last night. I asked my mom last night to call the day- treatment place. I think that she will call them today. The Three Musketeers is pretty decent, but I would like to read some science.

I want to read some chemistry, biology, and physics. The library probably has some science books, but they are likely too old to be of any use. If I returned to Trinity College, then I think that the library there would have tons of up-to- date science books though I would not have any time to read them. The Three Musketeers has a lot of pretty well-done dialogue in it. I wonder if this journal will ever be printed. Dumas is a Frenchman. He is more literally a man from France. He writes of the Bastille and the Louvre, and Hugo also mentions both. Hugo and Dumas write about France in The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The Three Musketeers. I do not know who is the better writer.

I cannot tell this sort of thing though Dumas seems easier to read, and the plot is less complex. The writing of Dumas is less complex than Hugo’s though the translator for The Three Musketeers does a terrible job. He does not know his basic grammar. Some of the words were misspelled too. For example, for the words they are, the translator writes they’re, and he does this with all the pronouns. Still, I am not bothered too much by this. So far in the book there has been another fight. D’ Artagnan fought with some guards to save a lady from being arrested. She had done nothing wrong, but had walked into what Dumas calls a mouse trap. Anyone entering this man’s house would be taken, and the man has a hard French name to remember. The lady was his wife who had been kidnapped but who had escaped by tying bed sheets together and lowering herself from the room that she was put in by the kidnapper. D’ Artagnan challenged the guards and won the fight. He won partly because all but one of the guards did not have a weapon. Later Athos was captured by the guards, who had come with reinforcements. They thought that Athos was d’Artagnan.

D’Artagnan had brought the woman to Athos’ house. The lady escaped. The whole plot seems kind of complex though I miss science books.

Among my favorite books that I have read are science books. I liked QED by Richard Feynman and the biology textbook that I had from high school. I would like to be the next Albert Einstein. I wonder how well my journal stacks up to his general theory of relativity though I should talk about The Three Musketeers now. D’Artagnan has fallen in love with the lady whom I was talking about and who happens to also be his landlord’s wife. The landlord is in prison, but I do not know why. I think that the woman is about twenty-five years old.

She works for the queen, but does not do anything like rule though she does know much about the queen. D’ Artagnan sees the woman with a man. D’ Artagnan as usual manages to get angry at the man, and they almost get into a duel.

The young woman stops the duel by putting her hands on the swords, and she calls the man she is with Your Grace. D’ Artagnan then sees that this man is the Duke of Buckingham, and he immediately acts friendly towards him. The young woman is going to bring the duke to see the queen. I think that the duke and the queen are having an aﬀair, and I do not think that the king knows about it. At the point that I am at in the book now, I think that the duke is in a room in

the Louvre, while the young woman has gone out maybe to get the queen. I cannot believe that the Louvre existed way back then, and I wonder if back then it was an art museum as it is now. I guess that the Bastille was a big structure that housed maybe the prison and some guards and musketeers. I think that in The Hunchback of Notre Dame the king was staying in the Bastille (I think for only a short time though). I think that the king in Hugo’s book did not visit Paris often, and Paris is where the Bastille and the Louvre are.

I do not have much more to talk about about The Three Musketeers. Last night, I read for about fifty minutes. I am hoping that after dinner I will be able to read for about a half hour. I was kind of slow on my bike ride today though I was just about at the right pace. I rode by a lady whom I have seen much before. She is kind of fat, and she has earphones on. She has on a winter coat. A man on a bike passed me by. He said that he was coming up on my left, and he scraped right by me and nearly hit me. There were not many people on the River Trail today. There was a short man dressed in clothes like a janitor would wear. He was eating his lunch on a picnic table, and I could see that he had an identification tag on him.

I saw two people who work at the Windsor Library walking together, and they are both probably in their fifties. They look like librarians. I suppose that I am saying this because I have seen them working at the library. Their looks are not bad. As I was saying, my ride went well. The trees in my yard are wonderfully colored. One tree has leaves of a golden color, and some of the leaves are orange. The tree outside my window has brown leaves. The next book that I think that I will read will be The War of the Worlds by H.G.Wells. I think that I have run out of things to talk about. Last night I did not watch “The Pretender.” Instead I watched a show on running and “Crossfire.” The people on “Crossfire” were Jesse Jackson and Haley Barbour.

The running program showed a lot of competitions. I liked the one in the mile best though the show only showed the start and finish, and there were diﬀerent age levels. I think that there was a seventy-one-year-old man who ran a mile in like a bit over seven minutes. Tonight I hope that I will be able to watch some television. After I write this, I probably will not have any time to watch television though I will have time tonight.

I hope that the reader is well. I hope that I can keep up writing in my journal. I hope that I do make it to the day-treatment place. I do not know if I will be able to go there regularly. I would like to return to college eventually, but who knows if I will be able to. I am kind of getting tired now. I should write my conclusion now. I am getting kind of hungry now, and dinner is soon. After dinner I think that I will read The Three Musketeers for about a half hour. I hope that the reader still stays with me and will continue staying with me in the future. I am getting really tired now. Today’s entry seems long, and it seems like I had a lot to say. There is nothing wrong with a long entry. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will be able to write in my journal tomorrow. Bye bye.

Wednesday, October 25 2000

I think that today my mom is going to call the day-treatment place, and she found the number to call last night though I do not know if I will actually be going there. I will give it a try though. There is a loud noise outside. I think that the noise is coming from a cement truck, but I am not sure. Well, I am not sure if I will even be accepted into the program. Maybe they think there that my condition is too serious. I do not know if there are any people with schizophrenia in the program. There are probably mostly people with depression and anxiety. For my first meeting I might be asked a lot of questions to fill out the paperwork. Today I have read Dumas for about an hour and have run for about a half hour.

The Three Musketeers is getting annoying because it is so simple to read though annoying is too strong of a word. The book is simply average, for there is no real big substance to it. The book is written well though it is kind of simply written. There is no challenge in reading it. Reading Dumas is like the opposite of reading St. Augustine. St. Augustine is too diﬃcult, while Dumas is almost too easy. Dumas undoubtedly was smart, but his book comes up a bit short in my estimation. The relationship between the cardinal and the king is overdone.

The liaison between the queen and the duke is kind of interesting though, and one wants to know what will happen to it. The three musketeers have been in the background as of late though they are still in the story. Athos is going to be released from prison, and he was thought to be d’Artagnan. The cardinal is a scheming man though it seems that the king is a nicer man. Apparently, the cardinal has a lot of power. I wonder how much power he has as compared with the king. The cardinals of today are also important, and they wear those bright uniforms.

The king suspects that his wife is having an aﬀair with the Duke of Buckingham. When he heard that the duke had been in Paris, he immediately got angry. He sent a man to search the queen’s letters to find a love letter to the duke. The man looked through the queen’s room, and then had to search the queen herself. The queen found this attempt repugnant, so she handed over the letter, which was hidden in her dress. The letter was not a love letter, but it did reveal a conspiracy against the cardinal to get him to resign. Later on de Treville got the king to release Athos though that took a lot of doing. De Treville likes the king but dislikes the cardinal, who has the strange name Rechelieu. I think that the king is King Louis XIII. I think that his wife is called Anne of Austria and that she is also called the Queen of France.

The book is kind of boring. I do not notice any complex characterizations.

The book is kind of superficial, and sometimes it has too much dialogue. The dialogue is not very complex though it has some good points. I would like to know more about the characters of the king and of the cardinal. There is not

even that much description. I like it more when Dumas talks about the three musketeers and d’Artagnan than when he talks about these court intrigues, as he calls them. Well, I think that one of his chapter titles is called “A Court Intrigue.” The book that I am reading now is a very long book, and I fear that it is going to bore me to death or turn me into an eighth grader. I think that I will stay with it, though, as it is like watching a good movie. Dumas would have made an excellent director.

If I return to Trinity College, then I will likely move into the classic books. Not likely, but surely. I tried saying a joke there, but my obsessions got so caught up in things that I have gotten myself into a bind. I was going to say that I was not likely to move into those books but that I was surely going to since classics is the ares of study. I would not mind doing Greek and Latin again, and I might end up going to college if I can get into this day-treatment program. I do like some classics books. Learning Greek and Latin is all right. I say that now because I have been oﬀ from studying them for about a year now.

I wonder what books Dumas read. I wonder how he learned his language. I think that Dumas wrote in French. Bonacieux was afraid of getting hanged, but now he is in prison and is not to be hanged. His primary characteristics were said to be egotism and avarice. His wife was involved in the court intrigue. She was the one who brought the duke to see the queen. I am already looking forward to finishing The Three Musketeers.

My ride was really fun today, and it was better than others recently. The day was really nice, and this was what was beneficial for my ride. The day was warm, and I was even able to wear shorts. There were not too many people on the River Trail today. A couple of the people on the trail were regulars. There was an older woman who had a black dog. The dog was nice-looking, but who knows its character. The woman with headphones was on the trail, and she took oﬀ her coat and just wore a pink T-shirt underneath. She had nice shoes on, and I think that they were like New Balance hiking shoes.

The weather was lovely today, and one could not have asked for a better day to bike than today. The sun was shining, and it was really warm. Tonight I hope to read for about a half hour. I probably will read The Three Musketeers. After I write this entry, I will probably watch television some. After I read tonight, I hope that I will be able to watch some television. Last night I listened to a Beethoven CD, and I liked it very much. So far that is the only CD that I like from the ones that I took out from the Windsor Library. The CD consisted of three piano sonatas, which were his last three, and I think that the sonatas were No.’s Thirty, Thirty-One, and Thirty-Two. Beethoven writes good piano sonatas though I do not like his moonlight sonata. I do not know if I will end up watching “The Pretender” tonight. Last night, I watched half of it though I would like to watch something else.

I might end up going to the day-treatment place, and I think that going might be a good idea. I do not know if going would be good for me, though, as it

might stress me out. I should go through with going, though, and I should at least try it out to see how much I like it. Now I must go. I am glad that I wrote today. I do like writing, and I hope that I will be able to keep writing in my journal for times to come especially if I go to that program. I wonder if my mom set up an appointment for me. I will try to continue writing in my journal. I hope that the reader is still with me and approves of my writing. Well, I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader well. Ta-ta. Bye bye.

Thursday, October 26 2000

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it. I have been thinking a lot about this day-treatment program, and I do not know if I will go there. I am still reading The Three Musketeers though the book is not very good. Still, it is better than nothing. The book is too easy to read and does not have much substance. I have been thinking about reading something else though I do not know what I would read. I wish that The Three Musketeers was shorter though the book has about seven hundred pages. I want to read a book that I like. My favorite play is Doctor Faustus by Marlowe though I like Shakespeare all right.

I just wish that I had a book to read that I liked. The books that I got last time at the bookstore are not all that great. Going from Plato to Dumas is a big step, and maybe it is a step in the wrong direction. The next book that I plan on reading is by H.G. Wells, who is all right, but there is nothing really special about him. Marlowe on the other hand is a master. I miss having good books to read. Maybe I should go out and bring some of the books back that I bought. Next time that I go to the bookstore I will try to get better books. Today I read for about an hour and rode for about a half hour. Although the book that I am reading is poor, the bike rides are still first-rate as the professors at Trinity College say. The only reason why I would go to the day-treatment program is that I want to return to Trinity College.

The three musketeers and d’Artagnan set out on a mission for the queen. Only d’Artagnan made it to see the Duke of Buckingham, for the others all got into trouble of some sort along the way. Their mission was to bring a letter from the queen to the Duke of Buckingham. D’ Artagnan gave the letter to the duke, who is head over heels in love with Anne of Austria and who cares about her more than anyone else. She is asking for the diamonds back that she gave him as a token. There were two missing, but the duke got his jeweler to bring some diamonds in their place. The cardinal was plotting against the duke. The cardinal suggested to the king that the king get his wife to wear the diamond studs that she gave the Duke of Buckingham, and the king does not know that they are missing.

The cardinal specifically told the king to have the queen wear the diamonds. Right now the king does not suspect his wife of an aﬀair though he

did before. The cardinal assured him that there was no aﬀair. I think that the cardinal does want to expose the aﬀair, though, but he is just waiting for the right time. My obsessions are so annoying. The queen did have a plot to overthrow the cardinal, and the king found this out.

D’ Artagnan is staying with the duke, who has a life-sized portrait of the queen, and he looks at it as at an altar. The duke would risk shedding thousands of lives just for the love of the queen and to be with her. The duke has locked the jeweler in a room and will not let him free until he has finished with the two diamond studs. The book is so boring. There is nothing about it that is any good. The book is too easy to read, and I wish that it had some challenging parts. The book is easier to read than Mark Twain’s books and is not as well written, yet I think that I will stick with it rather than start something new.

I think that for the next books I will get Keats and some other poets too, like Byron, and maybe that will present an improvement. I wonder how The Three Musketeers will end. I have a long and arduous road till the finish of The Three Musketeers. There have been tons of fights in that book. The three musketeers and d’ Artagnan got in many fights on the journey to England.

D‘Artagnan got to England, but the three musketeers did not. I think that one got into a fight with someone at an inn called St. Martin, that another got a bullet through his shoulder, and that the other was charged with forging money and was captured. D’ Artagnan was left, and he nearly got killed when he stole a travel pass from a man. He seriously wounded if not killed the man whom he stole the pass from. So much for heroism. D’ Artagnan got on the boat to England and made it to the duke’s house. I still have a lot more to read in the book before I finish it.

Today is another beautiful day, and I rode my bike. Although I am wearing pants now, I wore shorts when biking. There were a bunch of Loomis Chaﬀee people on the River Trail, and they were taking pictures. The students did not look too young really, and they were all dressed well. Of course, their teacher is Mr. Rabetz, whom I passed. I nearly hit him, but I said “Hi.” He asked how I was, and I said that I was good. I think that he had a heart attack, so I hope that I did not scare him. I think that he had a heart attack about five years ago. Mr.

Rabetz is good friends with my dad. My dad has no greater friend than Mr. Rabetz. My mom is going on a business trip to Atlanta on Monday. I cannot believe this though she will not be gone long.

I rode two loops today, and I had to ride on Broad Street some. The ride down Broad Street was not as fun as riding on the River Trail though I did not want to ride on the River Trail too much. Now is about time to end my journal entry for today. I do not think that I will write tomorrow though. I have an appointment tomorrow. I hope that I will be able to see my grandparents this weekend, and I want to go on Sunday. I think that tonight I will read for about a half hour, and I kind of wish that I had something else to read. Now I am oﬀ. I wish the reader well in all that he or she attempts. Bye bye.

Saturday, October 28 2000

I recently got home from a bike ride. It is extremely cold out. When I started my bike ride, I got blasts of freezing wind against me. The power went out today, but now obviously it is back on. Yesterday I went to my appointment, but it lasted only about ten minutes. Yesterday was really hectic because I had to drive to Hartford. The drive was hectic. I do not like driving much now, especially since the Saab is not here. I risk my life going out driving. I guess that I am not going to the day-treatment place. I am kind of glad about this. My dad called the Institute of Living, and they were full and would only take people who had a serious case of schizophrenia.

Yesterday was full of frustration, for I do not much like driving anymore. I felt uncomfortable behind the wheel. I hated changing lanes, as I risked my life changing lanes. On the way back, there was a police oﬃcer in back of me. I kept being afraid that I was going to fast, and I tried to drive well. Yesterday was so stressful while driving. I read last night for about an hour and a half. I am still reading The Three Musketeers though I wish the book was shorter. The book needs more substance.

I think that the next book that I read will be the Iliad by Homer. I have read only about half of that book, when at Trinity College. I also translated some from Greek for Greek class. I am still recovering from yesterday’s hectic ride to the psychiatrist’s. He only saw me for like ten minutes, though, and he wrote me a prescription for a drug to treat anxiety though I do not think that I will take it.

I am still reading The Three Musketeers though I do not know why I continue with it. I really do not know why. The book is not terrible, and I would like to think that if it were terrible, I would not read it. D’Artagnan is checking up on Porthos, Athos, and Aramis. So far, d’Artagnan knows that they are all right. One of them has a bullet wound in the shoulder though he told D’ Artagnan that he injured his knee. He said that to preserve his pride. Another was thinking of joining the church and was preparing a thesis for joining, yet he was doing this because he thought that his mistress was ignoring him. I think that then he found out from a letter from his mistress that she still cared for him.

D’ Artagnan had given him the letter. When he found this out, he rejoiced and gave up his wish to become a priest. The other musketeer was barring himself in a cellar of an inn. He was with his servant. He had been in there for days. He threatened anyone who came in that he would be killed. D’ Artagnan got him out though, but he was drunk from drinking all the wine in the cellar. I do not like the part about how he gets drunk. All of the musketeers have servants. D’ Artagnan oﬀers a horse to the innkeeper for the pay of all the damaged goods. A denomination of money back then was a pistole. The musketeer ruined about one hundred pistole’s worth of food and drink. I think that Aramis was the one who was thinking about joining the church, Porthos was

the one who had the mistress he cared about, and that Athos was the one who locked himself in the cellar of the inn.

The book is pretty boring. I do not know what else could possibly happen in this novel. There has already been tons of fights, and the only thing left would be the so-called court intrigues. I am hoping that d’Artagnan and his love get married though she needs to divorce her husband first. I think that d’Artagnan is twenty years old, three years younger than I am. When I was twenty, I might have been sort of like d’Artagnan. Well, d’Artagnan is the star of the novel. He received a diamond ring from the queen for his service in delivering her letter to the Duke of Buckingham. I have not heard about the duke lately.

I think that the servant of d’Artganan is named Planchet, and I suppose that there is a French pronunciation where the last letter is silent. I have been thinking about starting some Shakespeare, but I do not think that I will.

Halloween is coming up. I am really looking forward to this day, and I remember how I used to go out trick-or-treating. I liked dressing up, and all the candy. I loved eating candy corns and caramel apples.

My parents will probably buy some candy for Halloween. I would like to go to some Halloween party, and I could dress up as something interesting.

Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house; I have not seen them for about a week. Although I will not go to a treatment center, God will guide me along the right path. Halloween will probably be freezing. When I rode today, the gusts of wind must have been around freezing. I wonder when I will finish The Three Musketeers. I am looking forward to reading the Iliad.

I did go on a bike ride today, and I had a good ride. There were quite a few people on the River Trail today. One woman in particular smiled at me on my ride, and though at first it appeared to be a smile of friendliness, then it seemed to turn into a smile of scorn by my last loop. There was a German shepherd on the River Trail, and it kept looking back at me when I was trying to pass the man. I have been having many dreams. I have dreams every night, and they are extremely vivid. For example, last night I dreamt that I was in a school. I was lost there, and there were lockers all around me. The building was like a maze. The building was new to me, and I had never seen it before in my life.

I had a good ride today, and the wind slowed me down some. I felt strong physically though, so I did well. The river looked nice today. Up in the trees was a big flock of crows, which undoubtedly on their way South. They might have been resting up in there. I like crows very much. Now is the time to finish oﬀ my journal entry. Tonight, I hope that I will be able to read for about a half hour.

Then I hope that I will be able to watch television. There might be some movies on though I will probably watch the news. After I write this entry, I will probably watch some television. So I will probably watch television some in the afternoon and at night. I hope that the reader is healthy and that the reader tries hard in whatever he or she does. I hope that the power stays on today. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, October 30 2000

Today is very cold though I did ride my bike. I even managed to do three loops in this weather. I am still reading The Three Musketeers, which is still annoying though I should be finishing it soon enough. The weather these days is really cold. Yesterday it snowed for a little. Yesterday was a crazy day, and I did not feel very well mentally. Since I was not feeling very well, I went to the Windsor Library twice yesterday though I did not take out anything. Yesterday there were quite a few people at the library, which does not have many good books. I do not know what went wrong with me yesterday though I felt better in the night.

Yesterday I managed to read for about two hours though I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s. My mom was sick yesterday, and she is not going to go to Atlanta today and must feel kind of disappointed. Last night I had another dream with Peter Dixon in it. I do not feel challenged with The Three Musketeers. I am afraid that I did not get a good batch of books at the bookstore. I should take the blame for this. My obsessions lately have been really annoying, but I do not know why they are so annoying. They just can really ruin my day. I slept well last night, and I am glad of that. Reading The Three Musketeers is like reading a kid’s book. I do not think that I will read next Homer’s the Iliad but The War of the Worlds. I cannot stress how cold it is out.

The Three Musketeers is tiresome to read. Although I understand it fine, it is so crude, yet I do not want to read a diﬀerent book right now. I want to finish reading The Three Musketeers, and then go on to the next book. Alexandre Dumas was smart, but he does not write in a sophisticated fashion that I like. It is painful to know that I have to read his book. The book is not a bad one, but it is not good either. I like reading pretty much any book, so his does the trick. So far, d’Artagnan has posed for another man.

D’ Artagnan waited until it was dark in this woman’s room and then pretended to be the man whom she liked at the moment. They had amorous relations this time, but she could not see d’Artagnan. So she did not know that it was him. Later d’ Artagnan saw a brand on her which showed that she was a criminal, and now she is after him to kill him. He escaped from her house unharmed by having Kitty the servant put him in a dress. D’ Artagnan still has the diamond ring that he got from the queen.

Now all the musketeers have equipment for their journey to somewhere outside of Paris, and they went through a lot to get enough pistoles to buy their equipment. I still have a lot of the book to read. Aramis has a mistress who provided him with what he needed. I think that now all of the musketeers and their servants have horses. I wonder what will happen to the three musketeers once they get on their journey.

D’ Artagnan got two letters, and one was from an unknown source, telling him to be somewhere so that the woman could get a glimpse of him. He also got

a letter from the cardinal, who told him to come by at, I think, eight o’clock. For his first appointment he went to the place indicated and waited for the carriage. When the carriage came by, he thought that he saw Madame Bonacieux peek out of the carriage and sign to him. He used to be in love with her, and he still might be. She had been kidnapped from her summer house, where she had asked d’ Artagnan to come for a tryst. I think that a tryst is a romantic time set for a man and a woman. D’ Artagnan has been with his friends for the whole time, and they are going to stay outside the cardinal’s place with musketeers in case he does not come out. The three musketeers are in charge of the many musketeers they gathered, and they want to make sure that d’ Artagnan will be all right.

The book is readable, but barely. I feel like I am doing easy math problems. I feel like I am graphing functions. I hope that the next book I read will be better. The next time that I go to the bookstore, I will try to get some more sophisticated books. I am still aching for some science. I might ask for a college chemistry book for Christmas. Writing in this journal is quite diﬃcult. Writing is diﬃcult because I have to get the courage to get myself to write almost every day. I will try to keep up my journal, but it is certainly a challenge to do so. Last night, I watched some television. I watched part of a movie called I Know What You Did Last Summer. The movie was supposed to be scary, but it was pretty dumb actually. There have been a lot of movies on lately because it was the weekend and maybe also because Halloween is coming up.

I think that my aunt Ann is coming to Hartford for Thanksgiving, and she is coming up with her husband. I did not see Mamaw and Popee yesterday. My obsessions are really terrible. They cause me to lose concentration and my flow, and now they have really annoyed me. After I finish this entry, I think that I will watch some television. The clocks are set back one hour, so dinner will not be for a while. I hope that I will be able to read The Three Musketeers tonight for about a half hour.

I did go on a bike ride today. I almost did not go because of the cold temperature. The ride turned out to be fun. On the River Trail there were some people who braved the cold temperatures also. I had to bundle up in clothing today. I wore my Loomis Chaﬀee Gore-Tex jacket over a sweatshirt, a long sleeved T-shirt, and a short-sleeved T-shirt. I wore my blue exercise pants. I need some new shoes. The shoes that I have not are old. I guess that I am not going to go to the day-treatment program. I just will have to keep reading and the like.

As long as I have health and God, I will fare all right. Yesterday I had a diﬃcult time in the afternoon, when I could not concentrate though I felt better after dinner. Now I am going to end my entry. I am glad that I have written here today, and I think that it is important to write. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow, and hopefully I will not have a case of obsessions as bad as today’s. I am oﬀ now, but I wish the reader a fine day. I hope that I will write tomorrow and that the reader continues reading my journal. Bye bye.

Tuesday, October 31 2000

Last night I felt very sick. I feel pretty poorly right now. Last night I had a huge headache though I got through the night. Now I feel really tired. I was able to read this morning for about fifty-two minutes. I tried reading this afternoon, but I could not concentrate. I think that I still am trying to get over this sickness. I might also be feeling mentally down, but I cannot tell. I do feel kind of sick physically still, and watching television and this computer does not help much though I do not think that I will get very sick. I think that I had it last night, but that now I am over the sickness. My mom is leaving for Atlanta today, and I wish that she were home. I hope that I will be able to sleep with her gone. I went to the library today, but I did not for a long time. I should go now. I hope that I feel better tomorrow. I do not want to give up my journal. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, November 1 2000

I have recently been home from a bike ride. I feel kind of sick now though I am not sure why. My room feels very hot. I know that it is cold outside, but it is hot in my room. My mom is still in Atlanta, and she called last night. I am actually not reading The Three Musketeers now. I am reading Plato. I turned back to a dialogue that I was having trouble with before. The dialogue is called Phaedo. I hope that I will be able to stick to Plato for some time. I feel awfully hot in this room, and like a baked potato.

Yesterday I read Plato for about an hour and fifty minutes, and I also read Plato for about an hour this morning. There were not many people on the River Trail today though I saw some people walking down the street. I do like Plato’s writing, and I think that I like Plato better than Dumas. Some of his beliefs on the universe are outdated. Plato was smart, but I will bet that he was eccentric. Yesterday was kind of chaotic. Yesterday I did not get out to ride my bike. I could not concentrate, and I was not able to do near a full entry. I feel kind of melancholy now because my obsessions are brutally attacking me. My room is pretty warm, and I do not feel entirely comfortable in it.

Plato is a deep thinker. In the Phaedo he writes about whether the soul dies after death, but I doubt that people will ever be able to find this out. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, and I saw part of a scary movie about vampires. I also watched the addicting show “The Pretender.” All that seems to be on the news these days is the conflict in the Middle East. The conflict is between the Israelis and the Palestinians, and I think that they are fighting over Jerusalem. Now the next vacation will be Thanksgiving. I wonder if I will ever return to Trinity College.

I am not sure whether I should return. I would like to, but I do not know if I will be able to. I was not able to write much yesterday. I think that I was still getting over my brief illness. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, but I hope

that I will not watch as much today. Plato writes a lot in this dialogue about death. He thinks that the soul is immortal, but I cannot help thinking that he thinks this because he is going to be poisoned by the lawgivers of Athens. Plato is a Greek, and he writes in Greek. I think that Aristotle came after him. I have not read much of Aristotle though I have read his Ethics. They are all right, but there is not much that I can relate to though he was undoubtedly smart. I have not read much of Aeschylus though he is supposed to be a great writer. I have read some of Euripides, and I liked his plays.

Plato thinks that people know all they know before they are born and that when they grow older they merely recollect things. I do not agree. People learn things. When I learn how to graph a function, I learn it for the first time. I do not recollect how to do it. Someone might just have invented functions during my lifetime, and I could not have known it previous to when I was born. Plato thinks that there is a Hades, where all the dead people go. He thinks that those who have debauched their soul have the worst of it when they die because they will have no guide to lead them along the way after death. He thinks that those in search of wisdom will have a caring guide to lead them.

For Plato the true philosopher is one who avoids the passions of the body, such as food and drink. By avoiding the passions then one divides the soul from the body. Plato thinks this, and to a certain extent I agree with him. Plato thinks that people think that philosophers are in a sense already dead, and he agrees.

Since philosophers go against food and drink they divide the soul from the body, which happens when one dies. Plato is smart, but can say some false things.

Some of the works put out by the ancient people are pretty smart, and they were only lacking in modern science. They were not lacking in work ethic. There has been no one like Plato ever since he was living, but the modern philosophers have some advantage of technology. There have been some decent modern philosophers like Kant.

I would not mind writing something about philosophy. I do like the subject. I do, however, like science more. I want to get a science book sometime. There is nothing that I would like more than a book on chemistry. I have not been reading the Three Musketeers, and I do not know if I ever will finish the book. I am well along in it. Tonight I hope to read Plato for about a half hour. I feel that it is important to read well-written and challenging books. I might have to bring back some books that I got last time at Barnes and Noble.

I had a good bike ride today. The River Trail was really beautiful. I saw some ducks in the marsh, which were playing in the water. I did pass some people today. I saw an attractive young woman who was wearing black shoes and I think a black coat. She had blond hair, and I think that she wore glasses. I passed a couple. There were some cars parked in the lot. I am kind of tired right now actually. The trees are still beautiful though the trees on the River Trail are mostly bare of leaves. My bike is still going strong. After I write this entry, I think that I will rest some and watch television. Then I hope that I will be able to read

Plato after dinner. Now is the time to write my conclusion. My obsessions are really debilitating, but I will not get depressed over them. I will try not to watch too much television tonight. My mom will be home tomorrow night. My belief in God as of now is still good. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, November 2 2000

I read Plato for about an hour this morning. I also was able to ride my bike for about a half hour. Last night I listened some to a Little Mermaid CD, and I used to like this CD when I was at Loomis. The obsessions are attacking me right now. Plato has a lot of good insights. I am reading the Protagoras dialogue now, and I finished the Phaedo dialogue last night. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Plato for about a half hour. I like Plato better than Dumas. My obsessions have been getting worse lately. My room like yesterday is hot, and I feel like I am in a furnace or something. I did ride my bike today, and I had a good ride. Today is not too cold out, and the sun is out. I am surprised at how warm it is today.

There are still some leaves on some trees. I did not see any ducks on my ride. I miss my grandparents. My mom is getting home from Atlanta today, and I think that she is coming home tonight.

Plato is a diﬃcult author. He has so many good points that he brings up.

Plato writes about Socrates who was his teacher. Socrates and a young man whom he is with are going to see Protagoras, and the young man wants to improve his mind. Socrates wants to know from Protagoras how he will improve the young man. Protagoras is a sophist, and he teaches philosophy for money.

Protagoras says that he will improve the young man in city craft. Plato does not think that one can teach that. Although Protagoras thinks that someone can teach excellence, I do not think that Plato agrees, and I do not think that excellence can be taught.

Protagoras thinks that justice is part of excellence as a nose is part of a face, and Socrates agrees with him. I think that one is born with a certain amount of excellence and that one also learns excellence on his own. Only by oneself can one learn excellence, which is not a skill like geometry. Geometry can be learned from a teacher and in books. Excellence is found through one’s own experiences. I just have given my opinion about it. Socrates plays word games, and he is a master of language.

Protagoras tells about how he would benefit the young man, and at the end of his speech Socrates is very impressed though, as always, he has a question about it. Protagoras says that he is not ashamed to admittedly be a sophist. A sophist had a negative connotation because they think that they know everything, and they pay one for their teaching. Protagoras undoubtedly is smart though I think that Socrates was smarter. Protagoras says that the young man will become a better man through his teaching. In Socrates’ eyes becoming a

better man involves becoming wiser, and he does not doubt that with virtually any decent teacher the young man will become better.

Any teacher can teach the young man with the result that he will eventually become wiser. Socrates doubts that this thing called city craft, as the translator puts it, can be taught. He writes about how men of excellence can have children who are bad apples, so to speak. Some of the dialogue is confusing, as Plato always is. I think that I have read most of Plato’s dialogues though I have read virtually nothing of Aristotle. I do not like how Socrates mentions a young man as well bred, as if he were a horse or something.

I also do not care for how someone says that someone comes from a so- called good family or something. My obsessions are so annoying, as they make me do things I do not want to. Plato’s discussion of how the world works in Phaedo is interesting. He writes of rivers going around in circles all emanating from a central point. He thinks that there is a sphere above the human one. As the fish in the sea are to this world, we are to the upper world. He thinks that if one could travel upward, it would be as the fish poking their heads above water to see the human world. He thinks that in this upper world the colors are brighter and the trees nicer.

Plato also gives his opinion of where souls go when they die. He thinks that those who have committed terrible crimes are put in Tartarus, where they suﬀer for their crimes. The criminals who were less malicious suﬀer until those that they have oﬀended signal for their punishment to be stopped. The good men go up to where other good men and the gods are. I guess that the whole scenario was Socrates’ idea, and it has been passed down to people through his student Plato. Plato was evidently pretty smart though I wonder why he did not write any works of his own thought. Socrates wanted to know why the young man whose name I think was Hippocrates even wanted to see Protagoras. He wanted to know what skill Hippocrates hoped to gain. He said that one who visited a sculptor would want to learn sculpting, and the same situation applies with a ship builder and a painter. He wanted to know what Protagoras wanted to be by visiting a sophist. Socrates thought that he surely did not want to become a sophist.

I do not feel like talking any more about Plato and Socrates. I did have a good bike ride today. I had a lot of obsessions on the bike ride, though, and this has rarely if ever happened before. I hope that I will not have them on my ride tomorrow. I passed a young woman on the River Trail today, and I see her often on the trail. I think that once she dressed as a nurse or a nurse’s aid, so that is maybe what she is. I wonder if she is nice. I did not see another young woman today. I saw some couples and a family. Sometimes people just park in the dirt- covered parking lot and sit in their cars, but for what reason I am not sure. Last night I watched “The Pretender,” which is pretty good.

I also watched the news last night. Now is the time to conclude my entry. I probably will watch the news and “The Pretender” tonight. So far in the news

there is still the conflict in the Middle East. Now I am oﬀ. I kind of wish that there were better shows to watch at night. “The Pretender” has a lot of action, and now in the show a kid was abducted. Well, I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader well. I hope that “The Pretender” does not ruin my psyche. Ta-ta. Bye bye.

Friday, November 3 2000

I recently got home from a bike ride. I did not sleep as well as I would have liked last night. Early this morning, I heard my dad getting sick, and I was woken up really early. I think that my dad is still sick, and he probably has what my mom had. I do not think that I will get sick, as I think that I already had my bout of sickness recently. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am reading Plato still, and I finished the dialogue called Protagoras today. I have not seen Mamaw and Popee in about two weeks. I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow.

My mom got home last night at about nine o’ clock. She brought me home a T-shirt from Atlanta. Today really is a nice day. The sun is out, and it is not too cold. There are a lot of leaves on the ground in my yard. Last night, I read Plato for about a half hour. I did not get as much sleep as I had expected. I dream a lot. Someday I would like a Daisy like in The Great Gatsby. I would like a wife someday. I wonder if I ever will get married. If I went to college, I might find a wife there. My obsessions are worse than ever. I wonder if I will get married. If I was married, then I might have kids. I would like to have kids. I do not know what I would name them. If I had a boy, I might name him Jonathan. If a girl, I might name her Jessica.

If I had twins, that would be interesting. I would like having up to five kids, but then more than that would be too much. I would like to live in a place with a forest behind it that the kids could play in. I would build them a treehouse. That is, I would have it built, for I cannot build things very well. I could play basketball with them when they grow up, and I could ride bikes with them. I wonder if my kids would turn out all right, and I would hope that they would.

I guess that I need to find a girlfriend to get married though I do not know how I will do that, and I would need my own house too. I suppose that I would like to live in Connecticut. I would not mind my kids going to public school, but I would hope that they would study well. If I want to have kids and a wife, I would probably be advised to return to college. I am still reading Plato, and I am reading a dialogue called Meno.

I am right in the beginning of the book. I think that here I should say that I look up to God, and I am grateful for all that He has bestowed upon me now.

The pretty good dialogue that I finished today was called the Protagoras. Plato proved Protagoras wrong pertaining to courage. Protagoras had said that courage was diﬀerent from justice and other virtues because courage is not always a good thing. Through a sophisticated argument Plato proved that the courageous man

has enough knowledge to pick the path with the least pain. So the courageous man goes into battle because it is the right thing to do.

The courageous will never do anything bad, so this disproves Protagoras’s notion that the courageous are not always good. When Protagoras finds out that Plato was running circles around him, he became silent in discouragement, so to speak. Plato thinks that a man with knowledge is good, while a man without knowledge is bad. He thinks that through knowledge a man will avoid making bad choices and being overcome by bad judgement in his decisions. He equates pain with being bad and pleasure with being good.

Plato thinks that a good man is wise and will avoid pain. He thinks that all men if given the choice would choose pleasure over pain. He thinks that sometimes though a man should pick short-term pain for long-term pleasure like in a medical operation. Plato is a pretty deep thinker though I can get kind of bored talking about him. Today I had a nice bike ride. I passed a man and a lady who was in a sort of wheelchair. I passed an attractive young woman, who was dressed nicely.

She might be a Loomis Chaﬀee student, a Windsor High School student, a college student, or a person who has a regular job. She is attractive though. She looks sophisticated. I passed an energetic young couple. They were talking in booming voices, and the young man and the young woman smiled at me when I passed them. The woman had on black boots like a witch or a fashion icon might wear. The guy was dressed like a prep in a button-down shirt. I did not see any ducks today. There were some people by the horseshoe area, and I think that they were retarded people. I would not mind working with mentally retarded people sometime in my life like in the Special Olympics.

I got hot in my sweatshirt today. My sweatshirt was quite heavy and not the usual white sweatshirt that I wear. The one that I wore today was my purple Champion one. The white one is made by Lands’ End, and it has some permanent dirt stains on it. Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and I am sure that we will have a dinner with my grandparents probably over at their house. I think that Ann and her husband, Jim, are coming up for Thanksgiving.

I hope that tonight I will be able to read for about a half hour. Last night I watched the news and “The Pretender,” which was kind of fake. There was a boy who had received tons of so-called neural stimulation and who was turned into a vegetable to try to turn him into a genius like Jarod is. Jarod is the main character of the show. He is a Pretender, which means that he can turn into any man that he wants in any profession. Jarod and his friend saved the boy by giving him an injection of serotonin.

The show is kind of crazy, and it ended last night by a bomb being set oﬀ in sublevel twenty-seven while the whole cast was in the place though I do not want to talk about this crazy show anymore. There is still violence in the Middle East. There are some men in space who plan to live up there for a while. Tonight I probably will watch some television. I think that the next book I read will be

Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche. Now is the time to finish writing. I wish the reader well as always. I will probably not write tomorrow though I will probably write on Sunday. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. My obsessions have been kind of annoying today. I need some new music to listen to. I need new classical CDs. Now is a good time to leave. Goodbye now. Bye bye.

Sunday, November 5 2000

I am reading a very interesting book. I am reading Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra. I did not go for a bike ride today; I did not have the motivation to go. I feel kind of trapped here. I did not feel like going out in the cold for a bike ride. I had a good visit to Mamaw and Popee’s house yesterday. I had a really good time there and had fun. I played ping-pong with Popee, and I talked with him.

Popee asked me about the day-treatment program, but I said that it was full. Popee played ping-pong pretty well yesterday. I had not seen my grandparents for about two weeks, and I was very happy to see them. They are always in good spirits. Today I read Nietzsche for about an hour and fifty minutes. He is not easy to understand, but he is a smart writer. He has a good, if somewhat misguided mind.

I am reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra. The book is interesting. Zarathustra has decided to go down from his solitary retreat to teach man his knowledge. He has gone down from his retreat because of his love of man. He wants to teach people the overman, whom he describes as the type of man that is ideal to be and who everyone should aim at becoming. I have finished Plato, and I think that I finished it last night. I like Nietzsche more though his mind is totally diﬀerent from Plato’s. They are virtual opposites. Plato is all convention and custom, while Nietzsche is against convention. They are alike in seeking wisdom to live their lives the best way, but they would disagree as how is the right way to live life. Plato thinks that to follow the laws of the state are good and that it is a good thing to be an important cog in the state’s wheel, so to speak. Nietzsche hates the state, and thinks that it is a so-called cold monster. I agree with Nietzsche more on this point.

Nietzsche does not seem to believe in God though I do. Plato in a way does not believe in God, for he believes in gods plural. Yet sometimes I think that he mentions God in the singular though I am not sure if this is merely the translator’s will. God is extremely important in my life. I miss being outside. I wanted to exercise today, but I just did not have the motivation. I did sleep very well last night unlike the two nights before. I was overwhelmingly happy to go to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, and I just wish that I did not have to go tomorrow to the psychiatrist.

Nietzsche does not like entering society. He thinks that solitude is better and that one should not try hard to be friendly to their neighbors. I know that that might sound bad, but he means it in an understandable way. People should

not seek the approbation of others to make them feel better from their own insecurity. People should strive hard to master themselves before trying to make friends with others, which can only make them more alienated from themselves. They are Nietzsche’s opinions, but I kind of agree with them and have put them in my own words. Nietzsche would think modern society pretty bad because there is no room for solitude, as society has paved over nearly every inch of the planet. People live in overcrowded cities and in miles and miles of concrete and tall buildings. There is no longer any room for solitude unless one really tries to find it. I am happy that it is quiet around here and that I do not have a job to bother me. I do not think that I am very fit for a job on this medicine. I could probably be something like a custodian though I might have a hard time getting up in the morning. I would be able to be a custodian who worked in the afternoon. I would not like this job though, for I do like solitude.

I would like a job which I would do a lot of reading and writing. I think that I would like going to a good college though I do not think that I would be able to do that now. Nietzsche is right when he says that most books are rabble. I must agree with him, and many people do not write too well. People just do not think hard and their writing shows it. There are many authors that I like, but many more of others whom I have heard of and never heard of that are pretty poor writers. Nietzsche does not talk about reading and writing much, and he devotes less than a page to it. He talks about diﬀerent subjects as lectures like in the same format as Montaigne in his essays. He does not keep this up for the whole book, though, but he is doing so now in this section of the book.

Sometimes he is hard to understand though he really is quite a smart person, and his thoughts come out clearly enough.

Today I did not go for a bike ride or a run though I did go out for a short walk, around the library, which took about five minutes. I just wanted to get out some. I miss my bike ride, though, and I really should go on a bike ride tomorrow. Today was cold. There are a lot of leaves from the trees on the ground. I did not see much when I was walking. I saw a box of books outside of the library, which are probably donations. There was a bike in front of the library. I passed a middle-aged couple, and the wife or who seemed like the wife was talking about cruelty to children. Today my parents went out to Franklin Avenue, which I think is in Hartford, and it is a place where there is a whole big street of Italian stores. The stores are mostly pastry shops, and the pastries are very tasty. Tonight I will probably watch some television and listen to music.

Last night I did not listen to music, and I kind of miss it though not too much. I do not have a big selection of music to listen to. I am getting tired right now, which is not surprising since I have not gotten out to ride my bike.

I hope that I can get some new CDs. My mind is doing all kinds of crazy things right now. Tomorrow I have to go to the psychiatrist, and I am not looking forward to it. I wish that I could just see the psychiatrist once per month or something. Last night I watched part of a movie called Crimson Tide, which is

about some people in a nuclear submarine. The movie was pretty well done, and the stars played their roles well though I liked better The Hunt for Red October, which was another movie about a nuclear submarine.

I hope that there will be something decent on television tonight. Now is time to write my conclusion. I hope that the appointment tomorrow will go smoothly. I wish the reader well. I wonder what the reader has been doing with him or herself lately. I hope that the reader is being caring towards all who he or she meets. I am kind of tired right now, and I am looking forward to relaxing tonight. I am oﬀ now. I will probably not write tomorrow, but I will likely write on Tuesday. Bye bye.

Tuesday, November 7 2000

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is out, and it is not too cold. I am still reading Nietzsche, who is a rebel. He is not easy to read, and I am kind of surprised that I am able to understand him. Yesterday I read for about an hour and a half. I do like his style though sometimes he can be diﬃcult to understand. I did ride my bike today. I think that a young woman said that my tires were kind of flat, and she was wearing blue-jean overalls and glasses. I think that she was with her friends or family, and they were all well dressed. They probably got their clothes from J. Crew. I do not know how I made it to the psychiatrist’s yesterday. I was there for about a half hour. My obsessions are so incredibly annoying, and they have gotten worse lately.

My bike is holding up well. I am glad that today was not too cold for a bike ride. I did ride my bike yesterday before my appointment. I have been thinking some about returning to Trinity College, and I would like to return in a way. I would be doing Greek and Latin, and I have not worked on those languages in quite a long time. Well, it has not been very long. I was in school about a year ago. I was taking Aristotle’s Ethics, Latin, and the ethics in Greek. For Latin we were doing Cicero, and I remember translating the pro Caelio. I also remember that we had begun translating some of Cicero’s letters.

I would like to return in a way, but I guess that part of me would also like to read here at home. I think that going to school would be a good thing to do, though, for there I might even be able to meet people. I am reading Nietzsche, who would probably tell me to stay at home. He does not like scholars, and he thinks that they are all fake. Nietzsche advocates solitude even more than I do, and he does not like priests either. I do not think that Nietzsche is a Christian, that he has a religion, and that he believes in God. He has some followers whom he wants to improve by his teaching though he wants them to go their own ways. He is optimistic that people can still have hope and can still become the overman. He thinks that people can defy convention and strive for truth.

He thinks that if things keep going like they are, that people eventually will lose the opportunities to become overmen. Eventually, if people do not strive,

the human race will be lost forever. I am writing this journal entry earlier than usual. The time change has made me write earlier than I used to. I am going to have a lot of time oﬀ this afternoon though I do not want to watch a lot of television. Today the presidential election is going on, and I wonder who will win the election. I will bet that George Bush will win. I think that he has more support.

Nietzsche writes about diﬀerent subjects. He thinks that one should marry only if one is really close to the wife and has a loving relationship with her. He says that although people say marriage is a sacred thing, many marriages are not and are made for bad reasons and that their child will grow up unhappy. He does not like priests because of how aloof they are. He says that churches are like stagnant marshes and that priests smell foul from their abodes. I do not necessarily agree with him on priests and churches. I do not know if I agree with him. I might partially agree with him. I do not think that all churches and priests are bad. I think that some probably are, as Nietzsche says that they are.

He says that more goes on and more progress is made in silence rather than in noisy places. He thinks that the noise of the crowd- at big events and at where there is music, dancing, and drinking- hinders true learning. He thinks that much that signals progress goes on in silence. By this I guess that he means studying and reflecting. I am not sure that I understand his stance on women.

He seems to think that they are inferior to men, and if this is so, I do not agree with him. Nietzsche essentially says that he is lonely. He writes about loneliness a lot. Yet he says that he partially likes this loneliness and that he would not want it any other way. If he was not so lonely, he never would have written Thus Spoke Zarathustra. He also does not like famous men, who he thinks are just like other men. He thinks that men are all too similar, but Montaigne thinks that men are very diﬀerent from each other. He thinks that each man has thousands of diﬀerent qualities, and I can see both views. I think that men are alike only in some ways.

I had a good bike ride today, but when I first got out, I was really cold.

Then I warmed up. There were not really a lot of people on the River Trail today. The trees still have some leaves on them. I did three loops today. The trees in my yard still have many leaves on them. I saw two men in the parking lot. I saw an old man with who appeared to be a grandson, who was tying his shoes. I would kind of like to return to college, and I might try to this coming semester.

If I do decide to return to Trinity College, I should begin doing some Greek and Latin soon. Last night I saw the news and “The Pretender,” but watching television is kind of boring. Now I am going to write my conclusion. Tonight the election will be in full swing, and I will be watching some of it. I wish the reader well. I wonder if the reader is hoping that I will return to Trinity College. Well, now I am oﬀ. I will hopefully be able to write an entry tomorrow. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, November 8 2000

Right now it is dark out. The book that I am reading is kind of crazy; the ideas are very antisocial though the book is kind of clever. Nietzsche is smart. I did ride my bike today though I tried and failed at it once. Then later I managed to ride my bike. I have read about an hour and a half of Nietzsche today, and I am getting along in that book well and will have finished it soon enough. I watched some television today.

I saw part of a soccer game between AC Milan and Leeds, and I think that they were tied when I last saw them. Leeds had the lead at halftime, but AC Milan came back in the second half. They were tied one to one when I saw them last though I am not very interested in soccer. I played soccer at Loomis Chaﬀee. Nietzsche’s book is very antisocial though brilliant. Nietzsche seems to be lonely. He seems not to mind this much, but I am guessing that he would rather not feel like that. Right now it is pitch black outside though I can see the street lamps and the library lit up. I really need some new CDs, as the ones I have are getting repetitive and are becoming monotonous.

I should talk about Thus Spoke Zarathustra now. Zarathustra has left his followers. He went on a ship and has now reached his solitary place, and he had to pass through a town called Motley Cow on his way. He thinks that he needs solitude now so that he can reach his full potential, and he does not like being around people. He thinks that people and the state are essentially poison. He thinks that there is still time for people to overcome their smallness. He thinks that most people are small and that one has to throw away convention to become the overman, and he feels that he is better than the people. Outside of the town he meets someone whom he calls a fool.

The fool was telling Zarathustra of all of the folly in the town. Zarathustra then said that the fool should have left the town long ago instead of staying around to be poisoned by it. He calls the man of the town a fool though he says that he is hurt by his words, thus Zarathustra is mean to the man. Zarathustra does not like most scholars, and I agree with him on this point. I think that most scholars are weak. Zarathustra says that he has to walk on stilts among the people so that they do not see his true self. He hates those who dress up and are superficial, but likes those who have a true soul. He does not care for fancy clothes or fancy talk as long as the soul is there.

Zarathustra mentions a clam, and how it is hard on the outside but a mess on the inside. He thinks that this is how most people are. The translator of the book says that sometimes Nietzsche’s writing is bad, but at other times it is superb. I cannot tell the diﬀerence in the writing really. He is relatively straightforward. Zarathustra advises solitude to everyone, and he wants people to go their own way. He thinks that everyone has their own way to go, and he would not want permanent followers of himself. Zarathustra hates the virtuous.

He thinks that most people are cowardly, and he thinks that even the virtuous are so.

He does not like how people have the same virtues and call them common names, for he thinks that people should each have their own virtues and that they should hold them dear and as original. There was also a very interesting section on how people are at night. He thinks that at night is when people should have rest and silence from a tough day, I guess. He points out that most people have something big going on at night and that they raise a big hubbub. I agree with him on this, and he mentions watchmen as examples of how people squander their nights. People should rest at night.

I had a good bike ride today. There were not many people on the River Trail tonight. My bike is beginning to get kind of noisy, so I think that my gears might be getting stripped. Still, the bike performs well. Today was a beautiful day as the sun was out and as it was a good temperature. The river is still pretty dried up. I saw a jogger today, and he was pretty old. I saw a bunch of Loomis Chaﬀee girls on the River Trail, and they were jogging. There were two girls in front and a bunch about one hundred feet behind them. Today is a Wednesday, so they got out of classes early. I think that the last period is fifth period and that that ends at 12:35 P.M. There was a bunch of ducks in the marsh, and they were swimming there. I guess that the ducks will stay around for the winter, or else they probably would have headed South by now. There are brown ducks and other ducks with green necks. I have seen a big dark bird with a long neck before. I saw it lately, and I think that it is a crane. The bird looks very nice, though, and I did not see it with any other birds around. I felt too tired to go on a bike ride earlier in the day, but later I felt up to it. I did three loops today and had time to spare, so I went down Broad Street some.

I do not know where I got all of my speed today on my bike ride, but I would not mind having the speed in future rides. I hope that I can keep up my journal and that I will be able to write tomorrow and the next day. I find it a big challenge to write nearly every day. My obsessions are still with me today, and for the past two days they have been especially troublesome though I feel well now. I feel better about the recent entries in my journal than those of my earlier days. Then I did not have much of a virtuous disposition though I might have been brilliant in a scholarly sort of way. Tonight I think that I will relax and then watch some television. Election day was yesterday, but I did not vote though I would likely have voted for Bush.

The election is still not through with, as the votes are too close to have a decision. I saw “The Pretender” last night, and that show is scary. The show gets on one’s psyche and does not let go though there is not much else on at that time though. If I did not watch “The Pretender,” I would maybe be stuck watching the news. Now is the time to write my conclusion. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I found that today was challenge. Last night I listened to some Beethoven piano sonata, and tonight I hope that I will be able to listen to some

music too. I wonder when the election results will be in. I do not know whether reading Nietzsche is doing the right thing, but I admit that he is smart though he might not be smart in a good way. Right now is a good time to go. I wish the reader well. I am oﬀ. I still believe that God is important and a boon to me. Bye bye.

Friday, November 10 2000

Right now I have a headache, and I had one yesterday too. I do not think that I can go for a bike ride today unless my head gets better. I do not know what the cause of my headache is, but it prevented me from writing in my journal yesterday. I did, however, read for about an hour and a half of Nietzsche yesterday. Today I read Nietzsche for about an hour, and the book is going along well. There seems to be a lot of symbolism in it that I cannot understand. My headache is kind of annoying. I cannot go for a bike ride, or else my headache will really act up. I do not like being sick really. I wish that I was feeling well so that I could go out for a bike ride. I hope that I at least feel better by tomorrow so that I can go to Mamaw and Popee’s. Yesterday I went to the Windsor Library, as one might have guessed. I took out some CDs, but I think that most are substandard. I did, however, get a good Mozart CD. I also think that a Haydn CD that I got should be good though I have not tried that one yet.

Nietzsche cannot be termed a nihilist even though he might seem like it to some. He has no religion, yet he seems to care about animals and people. Today it is really raining, and it was raining some today. Nietzsche is a diﬃcult author to read because he can really be stinging and hateful. He comes across this way to me. I sense spite and discontent in his writing though he does seem to have something to say. Sometimes I have no idea what he is getting at. There are many great Germans in modern history. There is Mozart, Haydn, Beethoven, Nietzsche, and Goethe. The Italians had many greats, but they were mainly more ancient.

There are surprisingly still some leaves on the trees even though it has been quite cold. I wonder when the leaves on the trees will finally fall oﬀ. I feel kind of depressed that I have not gotten out much lately, and I miss riding my bike. Today is pretty cold, and it is cloudy. I always feel depressed when I do not exercise. My body misses it. Yesterday at the library I got out Brahms, Prokofiev, Mozart, and a couple others. I guess that I should focus more on what I have been reading.

Nietzsche is a pretty good author. He wrote about how Zarathustra has bumped into these diﬀerent people. Up in his mountain when he was seeking solitude, he found some unique personalities. He wanted all the diﬀerent people to stay in his cave, and he found many people. They all went to his cave. He saw a beggar, an ugly person, a formerly religious man, and a man bitten by leeches.

They all had a unique story to tell though I do not understand some of what they say.

They are very diﬃcult to understand fully. I especially do not understand how Zarathustra says that God died from pity of man. I do not see what he means by this. I also do not understand what Zarathustra was after when he left his cave other than that I think that he was searching for some cry of distress. He went to the cave in the first place to find solitude again after having been in the city the Motley Cow. One of the people he meets was among cows, and he apparently thought that they were content. He thought that they were content chewing the cud, as he put it. I guess he thought that chewing the cud made humans content too, but I am not sure about that point. Many of the people whom Zarathustra ran into were seeking him. They did not want to stay in the world, but wanted to find a wise man. I am near the end of the book now. I do not have much more to read, and I wonder how it will end.

Nietzsche does not believe in God, and I can tell because Zarathustra also does not. He calls himself godless, but I am the opposite. I think that Zarathustra gets his food from his animals. For example, his eagle brought him a couple of lambs. I guess that that is how he survives in his cave. He does not live like a caveman and go out and kill his own beasts. I think that Zarathustra’s animals talk to him too. After I finish Thus Spoke Zarathustra, I think that I will read St. Augustine’s Confessions, and reading that will be a change. St. Augustine is very pious, and I am like him in this. When Zarathustra came back to his cave, his guests welcomed him. I wonder if I ever will understand the notion of Nietzsche’s that God’s pity for man killed Him. I do not see God as pitying man. Man is a noble being really.

Although I had started St. Augustine, I had to stop reading it because I did not understand it, but I think that I will understand it this time around. I have not been out to ride my bike yesterday or today, and I feel poorly because of it. At the library yesterday I asked a librarian to open the CD drawers. The woman seems pretty nice. There always seem to be diﬀerent workers at the library on diﬀerent days. The librarian whom I saw yesterday I have often seen before. The library has a lot of classical CDs, but it does not enough Mozart. There are a lot of other composers. Mozart is the only composer whom I really think knew his music.

I think that this afternoon I will take a short walk. I need to get some exercise. I will probably walk around the library. I hope that tomorrow this headache will be gone. If I feel up to it, I might ride my bike this afternoon, but I really doubt that I will, as that might worsen my headache. I am glad that I got this entry in today though I feel bad that I did not write yesterday. I do not think that I will write tomorrow because I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s house, but I hope that I will be able to write Sunday. I have not talked about returning to Trinity College, but that is always on my mind, it seems. I just do not know if I can go on this draining medication.

My journal entry today might seem kind of superficial, but that is because I have not biked and written about it. I am missing my biking news. Now is the time to stop. I doubt that my journal has suﬀered too much because of lack of exercise, but I miss biking and writing about it. For the rest of the afternoon I will relax. I wish the reader fine tidings. Thanksgiving is coming up soon. I am oﬀ now. I will see the reader in a couple days probably. Bye bye.

Sunday, November 12 2000

I have finished Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and I am now reading St.

Augustine’s Confessions. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I talked to Popee for a very long time. I played three games of ping-pong with him, and we talked after playing ping-pong and also later when Mamaw was upstairs looking for a picture of him on his motorcycle. I did not talk to Mamaw much yesterday. I went outside with Mamaw, Popee, and mom yesterday, and we walked down the driveway and back a couple of times. I think that Mamaw was urging Popee to take his hands out of his pockets to get circulation. Popee took one hand out of his pocket, and my mom noticed this.

My mom did a walk that she saw on a comedy, and Popee laughed a lot at it. Then my mom asked me about the flying elbow, which is a move that I used to do at Loomis Chaﬀee. I was kind of dumb when I did this, though, and the move came when I was starting to misbehave. Mamaw cut some roses outside in her garden. I pointed out that some flowers looked like violets. Popee played ping- pong fairly well. I did not play too well because I hit a lot of balls into the net.

The first game that Popee and I played I won by two points. I did not do too much last night. I read Nietzsche for about an hour, and I finished Thus Spoke Zarathustra. The ending was diﬃcult to get. The book ended with a lion coming to see Zarathustra, and I think that it scared the men whom Zarathustra had in the cave.

I am reading Confessions right now. I do like this book, and it has a completely diﬀerent tone than Thus Spoke Zarathustra. The book is an autobiography and is very religious. He starts with his infancy and then writes about his boyhood. He did not really like his studies, and they were forced on him. He learned his native Latin language on his own by listening to people and by being interested in conversations. Even though he found the syntax of Latin hard, he realizes that learning the language was an important thing because by learning Latin he learned to read and write.

He thinks that reading and writing is more important than knowing tales like the Aeneid even though he liked the Aeneid more than studying his Latin. He talks about how he stole for the thrill of stealing. He stole some fruit from a tree, and he did not even eat much but threw them out. He stole out of sin, and his friends were there with him in the dastardly deed. If fruit was all that he took, as far as stealing goes he is not in too bad of shape. I do not know whether I like

Nietzsche or St. Augustine better, for I cannot tell yet. I will need to read into St. Augustine more to find out. He talks about how he got taken in by lust in his boyhood. He talked about how wrong it was for the mists of lust to invade his soul and occupy his thoughts so much.

Nietzsche ended strangely. When Zarathustra saw the lion, I suppose that the lion represented one of the metamorphoses of the soul that Nietzsche wrote about earlier in the book. The lion was the second to final advance of the soul.

The final metamorphoses was becoming like a child and creating, so the lion at the end might represent this metamorphoses. Zarathustra leaves the cave into the sunshine at the end, so he might finally have become the child and have reached the end of his journey. By the end of the book I think that Zarathustra was in old age. Yet maybe the lion does not represent this metamorphosis, and maybe Zarathustra just find the safety he is looking for. Whereas Nietzsche is godless, St. Augustine certainly has a God. I guess that Nietzsche could be said to be impious though it really might not apply to him since he does not believe in God. St. Augustine is pious, and it does him credit that he is.

I rode my bike this morning. Before today the last time that I rode was last Wednesday. I feel relieved that I rode my bike today. There were a lot of people on the River Trail, which I was kind of disappointed about. I passed two children, and each time that I passed them the boy said “Hi.” He said “Hi” in this loud, high, enthusiastic voice. I think that his sister only said “Hi” on the first loop that I was on. Their father was walking about fifty feet behind them. I rode pretty well today. I had not gotten out of shape since Wednesday though certainly before today I had felt a lack of concentration from not riding. I felt the negative eﬀects of not riding my bike. I guess that I am so used to riding that any time oﬀ can ruin my routine.

I did not see the usual people on my bike ride today. I saw a woman who was running. She was wearing black shorts and a green vest, and she must have been freezing. She was running at a good pace for a woman though still kind of slowly. I say this because it seems that women generally run at a slower pace than men though I like to see women running fast. I run very slowly. I run at about a crawl, and I would like to run as fast as some women. I do not know why there were a lot of people on the River Trail today other than that it is the weekend.

I have been thinking a lot about returning to Trinity College, and Popee mentioned this yesterday. I said that I got up late and that I had a hard time getting outside. He said that he knew what I meant though I had said that it was hard to explain why I felt scared about going out. He seemed to know what I meant though. As far as my future goes, it seems like it might be best if I went to Trinity College, but I just do not know if I have the guts to actually go there. I do not know if I want to do Latin and Greek, as I like the books that I am reading now. For my future, though, maybe going to college again is a good choice.

I would like to go to Trinity College for my family. I think that having a college degree is essential to getting a good job. I just do not see the great importance of getting a good job though for the future I can see the importance. Last night I watched some of a pretty good movie called Eraser, which was about a woman who got put in a witness protection program and about the bad guy who was after her.

I think that tonight I will return to reading The Three Musketeers. I think that from now on I will read Confessions in the morning but will read The Three Musketeers at night. Tonight I probably will watch television and listen to some music. I wish the reader well. Unfortunately, my obsessions are still with me. Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment that I do not really want to go to. Right now I am out of here. I probably will not write tomorrow because I have a psychiatrist appointment, but I will pick up the slack on Tuesday and write then. I will have the rest of the week to concentrate on my journal. I am oﬀ, and for this afternoon I think that I will relax and then watch some television. Then tonight I hope that I will be able to read The Three Musketeers for about a half hour. Bye bye.

Tuesday, November 14 2000

I am reading St. Augustine and The Three Musketeers. Today I read St.

Augustine for about an hour. Yesterday I skipped my psychiatrist appointment. I read for about two hours and ten minutes yesterday. I have not gone out to ride my bike today. Right now it is rainy, and I was not able to ride earlier because of the rain. The sun is barely visible. Maybe I should not have skipped my appointment yesterday, but I just did not want to go. I was not up for going. I think that I feel kind of depressed. I would have liked to have gone out for a bike ride though I do not know if I was prepared to do that. Yesterday I did ride my bike. I am getting towards the end of The Three Musketeers.

I am at the beginning of the Confessions. St. Augustine’s book is not easy to read. The Three Musketeers is quite easy to read, and I like it more now than I used to though I like the Confessions more. Some parts of the Confessions are diﬃcult to understand. I was going to say diﬃcult to read, but I can read them fine as it is only the understanding part that I do not get. I understand pretty much all of Alexandre Dumas’s book. St. Augustine wrote his book a long time ago. I think that he wrote it in Latin, but I am not sure.

St. Augustine talks a lot about the follies of his youth. I think that right now I am at the point where he is in his twenty-ninth year, and he is teaching rhetoric in Rome. St. Augustine refers to God often, and he praises Him often. St. Augustine tells about how he fell in with the Manichees, which he later found was a mistake. He wrote a book on the fair and the fit, which he is now ashamed of. He had a very caring mother, who never wanted him to leave Carthage for

Rome, and he did so against her wishes. She was a pious woman. His father only wanted him to become eloquent and to get an education.

St. Augustine does not mention anything about exercise, so I guess that he was not very athletic. He mentioned that in his book on the fair and the fit he dedicated to a man that he had never even met. The man was reputed to be a very learned man, and St. Augustine liked him just because of this reputation and not because of his work. He later regretted this fault of his. He seemed to be in with a bad bunch of people. I am not sure when St. Augustine wrote his book though he probably wrote it late in life. He was undoubtedly smart, and he was learned of the Bible. He thinks that the Bible is deep and full of a lot of deep thoughts. He does not think that children or ignorant adults can understand it. I saw Popee’s Bible, and he said that he got a lot of use out of it. He said that his Bible was something like a scofield Bible. The Bible was old and had some of Popee’s handwriting in it. I think that Popee taught in church at one time.

I am also reading The Three Musketeers, and I want to finish the book since I started it. Yesterday I read it for about an hour. Milady has gotten permission from the cardinal to have d’ Artagnan killed. A musketeer burst in to Milady’s room after the cardinal left and demanded the note the cardinal had given her. He said that he would kill her if she did not give the note to him, so she gave him the note with permission to kill d’ Artagnan. The three musketeers then went to find d’ Artagnan, and they wanted to tell him all that had happened.

They found him and were going to tell him everything, but there were too many people around at the inn that they were at. There were a lot of soldiers at the inn. The three musketeers and d’ Artagnan were hoping that they would not get into a fight with some of the soldiers. I think that the three musketeers were frustrated that they could not talk to d’ Artagnan in the inn. The three musketeers and d’ Artagnan ended up betting some soldiers that they could hold out in a fort for, I think, an hour.

There was potential that the enemy soldiers whom they were having a war with might attack them, but there was also the quiet of the fort where they could tell d’ Artagnan what they heard between the cardinal and Milady. I left oﬀ where they were heading towards the fort. The three musketeers and d’ Artagnan are part of the French force in the war against the English. The queen of France is secretly on the side of the English under the Duke of Buckingham. I am plagued by obsessions still, and they can really ruin a day though sometimes I forget about them. Tonight I think that I will read The Three Musketeers for about a half hour.

I have not rode my bike yet. I hope that I will be able to this afternoon though I do not know if I will be up for riding in this cold weather. I think that riding would be a good idea though. I think that I should try to go for a ride today. I hope that the rain will stop sometime soon, and I hope that it has stopped right now. My obsessions are really bad today. They are terrible.

Yesterday I did ride my bike, and I do not think that there were many people on

the River Trail then. Yesterday was really cold, and today is quite cold too. I did not go to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. My obsessions are trying to destroy me, but I must not complain for my obsessions are only minor things.

Now I am going to write my conclusion.

I hope that I will be able to write a lot this week and that I will be able to write for the rest of the week. When the weekend comes, I will probably go to see Mamaw and Popee. I am looking forward to riding my bike today, and hopefully the rain will stop or has stopped. After I write this entry, I think that I will watch television or go for a bike ride. Now I am oﬀ, and I will see the reader tomorrow probably. Bye bye.

Wednesday, November 15 2000

I just recently returned home from a bike ride. The bike ride was excellent. I am still reading St. Augustine’s Confessions and The Three Musketeers. I got a late start today. I was kind of afraid to go out in the winter weather, but now I am really glad that I did. The weather was not bad at all, and I did not feel uncomfortable at all on my bike ride. Yesterday I did not ride my bike because it was raining nearly all day long. Today is a beautiful day. There were some people on the River Trail. There was one guy who was running with a newspaper in his hands, and he waved to me. I saw an older man who said “Hi” to me.

I was surprised at how many people were on the River Trail. St. Augustine is going well though the translator did a poor job of translating. Some words are spelled incorrectly though I am getting used to St. Augustine’s style. I am also reading The Three Musketeers. Alexandre Dumas is a pretty good author, and his book is basically a comedy. There are all kinds of funny parts, and the book cannot be taken too seriously. I often think about returning to college though I do not feel very well on this dosage of medicine. The medicine really takes a lot out of me. Without the medicine, I would be able to take on so much more stuﬀ. I wonder if there will be any new medicines coming out.

St. Augustine is not easy to understand in some parts. He talks about how he desired marriage and honors, and how this was wrong. I do not know if St.

Augustine actually ever did get married. While St. Augustine did desire marriage, his friend tried to dissuade him from that course and said that they should search for wisdom without distractions. St. Augustine defended his wanting to marry by saying how many wise man of the past married and were not the worse by it. St. Augustine liked St. Ambrose, whom he was near. He liked him more than Faustus, whom he thought was a bad person. Faustus was a man who talked eloquently but who did not have much matter in his speech. At least that is according to St. Augustine though St. Ambrose was diﬀerent.

St. Augustine’s mother loved him very much and prayed for him often, but he does not talk very much about his father. He talks a lot about friends in the

autobiography. I guess that he was always around people. As a youth his friends contributed to his dissoluteness, while when he was older this one friend he talks about kind of was beneficial to him. St. Augustine was a good influence on him.

I am guessing that St. Augustine was a teacher, and as he grew older, he grew apart from the knowledge or rather untruths of the Manichees. He grew more fond of religion. When he wrote the book, he was a devout religious man, committed to God, but maybe not as committed as I am, as He guides me in all things. St. Augustine praises Him, and he mentions how the Bible is sophisticated. St. Augustine says that the Bible’s meaning can elude many and that only wise men really understand it. I would really like to return to Trinity College, and I wonder if I would do well there. I do not know if I will be able to return there, but if I did return there, I would probably take Greek and Latin.

I think that getting a degree would be a good idea, yet I am glad to be here at home. I get to read what I want. I still have a sense of responsibility.

Classes at Trinity College will probably start up in the middle of January, and I still have time to think about returning there. I am hoping that a new medicine will come out that will allow me to go to college. I do not like driving much, and if I returned to college, I would likely drive every day. If I was right next to the college, then going to class would be much easier though I am not very far away from Trinity College. I am about twenty minutes away. If I could come up with a new medicine for schizophrenia, I would be happy about that. I just do not have the right chemicals. I do not have the lab or the lab team to carry out the work, and I do not even have access to the books that I could teach myself from.

I still do not have any science books to read, and I really want to get some good science books. Science textbooks are so diﬃcult to find. I would like a chemistry, biology, and physics textbook. I would like all of these textbooks. I regret not studying hard for much of the year in my Loomis Chaﬀee physics class. My senior year for the most part was poor, and my grade point average for that year was low. If I had achieved like I had before, then I might have graduated with more satisfaction. What I am trying to say is that I regret my lack of eﬀort my senior year at Loomis Chaﬀee.

My bike ride was good today. I rode pretty well, and I did not get freezing as I thought that I might. God was with me on my ride, so it was fun. My hands did not get very cold like they had sometimes before. Today is not extremely cold. The presidential election is on all the time. The presidency is still undecided, and is up for grabs. I wonder who will win. There is no indication of who will take the white house. Well, now is the time to write my conclusion. I hope that I will be able to write in my journal tomorrow. Today I really was not sure if I would even write, for I was not sure if I could handle it. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read The Three Musketeers. Now I am oﬀ, and I hope that I will be able to continue writing in my journal for times to come. Bye bye.

Friday, November 17 2000

I do not know what to say, and I am in a quandary. My mind is all disordered, and I cannot think straight. I have decided to give up my usual routine. I thought that I should plan on going to college. I thought that I should take some time oﬀ. I might be going crazy though. I do not know what to do. I thought that giving up my schedule would be all right, but now I am not so sure. I surely do not know what to believe. Today I went to the Windsor Library and looked in a book full of pictures. I also did some Latin. I vacuumed, and I played a game briefly. My mind is in a thousand pieces, and I do not know what in the world to believe. Writing helps to put my thoughts together. Maybe taking time oﬀ of things is bad. I did not get to write yesterday because of my change of philosophy. I might really be going crazy now.

My world is coming crashing down on me. I guess that I just should regroup and not give up on my studies. I will not let myself get crazy. I lost yesterday and today to my illness. I do not know what to believe, like I said. I will begin my schedule as of now, and hopefully I will not lost too much time. I guess that I should not do Latin anymore, but should concentrate on reading my two books. Today has been chaotic. I am trying to pick up the pieces of recently here. For Latin I tried translating some Caesar, but I did not do too well. I cannot just give up my routine, as that would be terrible.

Today was pure madness, and I think that I hope that it will go away. I do not know if I am going to get psychotic or not. I have not exercised today though I did ride my bike yesterday. Yesterday I also read St. Augustine for about an hour. When I got home from my bike ride, things started to crumble. I began getting paranoid, I guess, and I did not do much of anything for the rest of the night yesterday. I looked through a photo album. I feel bad that yesterday I did not get to write a full entry. I am also not going to write a full entry today though I am writing a half entry. I hope that I do not get psychotic. Maybe I can have a good week next week. Yesterday and today have been very diﬃcult and chaotic. I wish the reader well as usual. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, November 18 2000

I am still reading St. Augustine. I want to return to college now. I am going to concentrate on returning to Trinity College. My aunt Ann is in Hartford now, and I might see her tomorrow. I have not ridden my bike in a while, and I might ride my bike today. I do not know what I am going to do today, but I might go to the Windsor Library. There is not much to do here. I do not know if I am going crazy. Crazy is the word for it. I do not know what is happening to me. I do not want to continue writing. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Sunday, November 19 2000

I am writing to tell of my psychotic thoughts, which I have had since way far back. My journal entries have been so uniform because of the thoughts that were driving me on. I thought that I was good, not evil. For the past month or so, I also would almost constantly say, “My Lord, you are the best and good.” I also would repeat, “Jon, you must be good.” I also had to read or write for exactly an hour or a half hour for each time, had to ride my bike for a half hour, and had to go to Mamaw and Popee’s once a week. I would go no more than that. I also was having thoughts that my grandparents were above me because they were American.

I also had many obsessions. For example, I would have to turn on the lights twenty-seven times. I would have to touch my door and count to twenty- seven before putting my hand oﬀ of it. When I went to bed, I had to have the sheet on tight, the pillow case securely on my pillow, and the comforters right. Last night, I went to the drugstore, and I bought a binder, which I put some sheets from my journal in. The person who rung it up was a woman about my age, and she seemed really nice.

At night, I had to watch television till about eight-thirty. Then I would go upstairs and sit on my bed thinking for about a half hour. I would take my pill at around nine, and then I would listen to music till around ten. Listening to music was a routine, and I would have to listen to classical music because other music I did not think was acceptable. Then I went to bed. Every morning I would get up and after my shower stay on my bed for exactly twenty minutes. After that I would read for an hour. Then I would have lunch and then go upstairs to think some. Then I would ride my bike, get home, and then stay on my bed for about a half hour. I thought that I was resting my mind from my bike ride. Then I would write in my journal for an hour.

After writing my journal for an hour, I had a routine of opening and closing the word processor screen a certain number of times. I am guessing that it was about twenty times though I took only about two minutes to do this. Then I would stay on my bed thinking for about twenty minutes, go downstairs to watch television until about four-thirty, and then wander around till dinner.

After dinner, I would go upstairs and wait on my bed for about five minutes before reading for a half hour. After I read I would wait for ten minutes and then go watch television for about two and one half hours.

So now I have told everything to tell, and the listener would probably think that I was crazy. I was able to keep up this routine for a long time, and I have been doing something similar to this for years. I do not know why all of a sudden I have stopped this routine. I think that I stopped it yesterday. Now I am left without much. I am out of school, but I can remedy this by returning next semester. I have not done much Greek and Latin though I do have time to catch up in these languages. Class will start in about a couple months.

I do not know what I will do for the rest of the day, but I might read some.

Yesterday I think that I read St. Augustine for about an hour and The Three Musketeers for about a half hour. I find it awfully diﬃcult to break my reading habit of reading for an hour at a time though I hope that I never stop reading. I think that it is important to read. I am almost finished reading The Three Musketeers. Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and d’ Artagnan are still the main characters in the book. I do not think that d’ Artagnan has attained the oﬃcial ranking of a musketeer yet. He is still young. I have been sleeping all right even though so much has been changing in my life. My obsessions are still with me, and they bother me often.

Yesterday I looked through the Trinity course book from a couple of years ago. I looked through some courses, and the chemistry courses looked interesting. I cannot believe that last night I actually bought the binder, and I have been needing one for a really long time. The show “The Pretender” really has gotten into my psyche, and I think about what was said in there. I do not know if watching that show is a good thing. There has been a tennis tournament on lately.

My aunt Ann is in Hartford. My parents went to see her yesterday, and they are planning on going today. I kind of hope that I will be able to ride my bike today. My mom asked me if I wanted to go over today, but I said that I did not think so. I kind of want to ride my bike instead maybe. Yesterday I only wrote briefly in my journal. I did write some in the night in my notebook too. Last night I also got a binder for my journal, so I have been thinking about it pretty much. Today is the first day in a while that I am writing a full entry, and I hope that I can write a lot this coming week. There are still some though not many leaves on the trees. Last night I watched some of an all-right movie called Planes, Trains, and Automobiles starring Steve Martin and John Candy.

I hope that I will be able to return to college, and I still can if I want to. If I went to college, I would probably take two courses. I wonder if they would mind. I would probably take Greek and Latin though they would have to meet at the right times. Yesterday I had a good bike ride though the weather has been cold. Yesterday I saw a couple of kids riding on really small bikes, and their mom was running. I did not see many people on the trail yesterday, and I will bet that it was too cold for anyone to go. I think that my sister is coming home soon for Thanksgiving.

I do not know what I will do today, but I might read some. I am not looking forward to my appointment tomorrow. I wish that this illness would just disappear. I probably should try not doing things in hour intervals anymore though I am writing this for an hour. I will have to wait and see how I will handle that. Now is about time to stop writing. Today I told a lot about my routine. The reader can see how maybe my obsessions really were running my life. I think that I will stop writing now. Bye.

Monday, November 20 2000

Hi. I went to my psychiatrist appointment today. There was not much said at the appointment about psychotic thoughts though I have certainly had them.

I have been tormented with thoughts. The thought is recurrent though I do not think that I should mention it. Well, I could mention it. I have been thinking that I am neutral good, but I can see how I was wrong. My dad drove me to see the psychiatrist. He wanted me to take some anxiety drug though I do not think that I will take it, as the medicine will probably make me ill.

Today I listened to Ace of Base, Madonna, No Doubt, and The Cranberries.

I like Ace of Base and Madonna the best. I listened to these bands for about an hour, and this was very unlike the normal me. Normally, I would not listen to these bands, but now I feel more apt for them. Maybe I am becoming a pleasure- loving gentleman. I am still reading The Three Musketeers. I should be done with the book soon, and then I think that I will read Kant. I am writing today because I am trying to make up for the lack of writing last week.

Now I am thinking about returning to Trinity College, and I think that I actually might really return there. I should go over there soon and talk to Mrs. Thomas. Maybe taking courses there would be a good thing to do. My obsessions are here with me as always, and I feel that I take them along with me everywhere. I did see the psychiatrist today, and he asked me tons of questions. He wants to know virtually everything about my life though I could not tell him about my psychotic thoughts. I could not tell him how I felt all the time that I was neutral good though now that I have written this I feel that I am turning evil. I would rather believe that I was neutral good than believe that I was evil. I told the psychiatrist that I did not feel comfortable getting out of the house. He thinks that I should take medicine for it though I do not want to do this.

He asked me about Thanksgiving. I said that I was going to either go to my grandparents’ house, or they were going to come over here. I also mentioned that my sister is coming home. He asked me if I kept in touch with my sister, and I said that I did not. My dad drove me to the psychiatrist today. Surely he was bored in the car while waiting for me. I thanked him today for bringing me.

Today I read for about fifty minutes and rode my bike for about a half hour. I still stick to my routines in a way. I am looking forward to finishing The Three Musketeers, and then I think that I will read the Critique of Pure Reason by Kant, which should be a challenge. I had a nice bike ride today. There were some people on the trail. I know the reader by now might think that I do not like people. I do like people, but I do not like seeing many of them on the River Trail when I am riding on it. So when I am riding on the trail I like the people on it, as long as there are not too many of them. Today I passed a dog which was small but which had the bad attitude of a pit bull. The dog charged at me and was barking loudly.

He thought that he was hot stuﬀ. I passed a lot of people today, but I did not pass too many. The couple with the attitude-problem dog looked kind of motley though they seemed funny. My dad went some strange way to the psychiatrist. He went a way that I never went. There was some traﬃc at first, but then it cleared up. Not much is happening in my book. The three musketeers are out of the picture now, for now Milady is concentrated on by the author. She is being held prisoner in Lord de Winter’s place until he can send her oﬀ posthaste to somewhere far oﬀ, but I have no idea what posthaste means. Milady is scheming to try to seem innocent to this man called Felton.

Milady is a terrible person, and she is guilty of all that de Winter says that she is guilty of. She is scheming and trying to appear a Christian martyr to this impressionable man named Felton, and her plans are successful so far. She is hoping that Felton will rescue her, and to do this she has to appear innocent.

Lord de Winter knows how bad she is, though, but Felton has not revealed to him what has gone on between him and Milady. Felton and her have a rapport, and he believes in all of her mischievous ploys. He does not believe in the ploys themselves, yet he believes in what he thinks that he believes.

Felton is really a nice man. I think that Milady has been in captivity for three or four days, but she is not to stay there much longer. Lord de Winter will either send her away, or she will have escaped by Felton’s help. The book is kind of boring. I hope that I will understand Kant when I get to it. I do not think that I will keep reading the Confessions, though, for I do not have enough background in religion to understand it. The book is very diﬃcult to understand in some spots where some background on religion might help. What I really should be studying is Greek and Latin.

If I want to return to Trinity College to take advanced courses in Greek and Latin, then I should study those languages. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this week, and I hope that I will be able to see my relatives then. I am glad that I got to write this entry today. I was able to get to my psychiatrist appointment all right today. Now I am about through with my entry. I am writing this after dinner. I am oﬀ, and I am not sure what I am going to do tonight though I probably will watch some television. I will try writing in my journal tomorrow. I wish the reader good tidings. So now I am oﬀ. Goodbye now.

Friday, November 24 2000

Ever since Monday night, I have been sick. The sickness I have is the worst sickness that I have ever had. I am still trying to get over it today, and my appetite is not too good. Popee called yesterday, and he said that he was sad because we did not play ping-pong much anymore. I wanted to go very much yesterday, but I could not. During the sickness that I had, I talked to my mom a lot, and I just could not get through the sickness without talking to someone. I have not slept

much at all since Monday. I would call the sickness the worst ever for me except for when I got psychotic. I have not done any academics since Monday though I am glad to be writing now. I do not think that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, but I think that I will go tomorrow. Last night I almost fainted. Everything went black, and I fell on top of the stairs though I did not go unconscious. I will try writing more tomorrow. I really want to get over this sickness so that I can do some academics and see my grandparents.

Saturday, November 25 2000

I feel better today, and somehow I got sleep last night. My appetite is all messed up. I never got to go to Thanksgiving because I was sick. Last week I was feeling really awful, and I could not do anything. Last night was the first one since Sunday night that I slept well. I am not ready to go to Mamaw and Popee’s today, as I have not recovered enough yet. I am hoping to return to Trinity College in the spring. When I was sick, I did not have anything to do. I just sat around. Therefore, I needed someone to talk to, and I talked to my mom. I guess that I did not really want to talk, but I was kind of forced to. I do not like talking to people much. She seemed nice.

We talked a lot about my sickness, which I was most comfortable in discussing. Today for lunch I had a sandwich, but I could not eat all of it. I cannot believe that I lost all of this time from my sickness. I missed Thanksgiving and seeing my aunt. On Thanksgiving, my aunt Ann tried to get me to go. Popee also talked to me then and said that he was sad that we did not play ping-pong much anymore. He said he felt bad about that. I felt hurt by the conversation, and I will try to make amends with Popee when I see him next. I hope that I can go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow.

I have really been feeling bad lately. I do not hesitate to say that the illness that I just had was the worst in many years, and my appetite is still pretty oﬀ. I have been in the house far too long. It is a catastrophe that I have not been on the River Trail since last Monday. Yesterday I read for about thirty-seven minutes. I am reading The Three Musketeers, and I really cannot wait to finish the book so that I can move on. I feel kind of tired right now, and I do not know if I will be able to do a full entry. I would like to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house tomorrow. I do not know if I feel like continuing writing right now. I am kind of running out of steam. Maybe I should stop writing. I have not played ping-pong in a long time, and maybe I will play tomorrow. I have written for about forty minutes. Bye bye.

Monday, November 27 2000

I am feeling much better today. I went out for a bike ride. There are hardly any leaves left on the trees. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s

house. Today I read The Three Musketeers for about an hour though my bike ride was more fun than reading Dumas. I am at the very end of the book, where Madame Bonacieux has been poisoned by Milady. Now the wild goose chase is on for the terrible Milady. Last night I slept well. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I had a really nice visit. Popee and I played a game of ping-pong, and I did not want to play any more games because of my illness.

Popee and I also talked in the basement, and he always brings up college. I told him about how the psychiatrist prescribed anxiety medicine. Popee thinks that I should try it, and if I do not like it, quit it. I think that that is good advice for going to college. I could give it a try and see if it can be done. I had some jello and some apple cider at Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. Popee played ping-pong well, and he is in pretty good shape.

I am over my sickness now though my sickness was really terrible when I had it. The headache was really terrible. Right now I am actually kind of tired, and I will have to stop writing. I will continue writing tonight, though, and then I will have the equivalent of a full entry. Bye bye. I hope that I will be able to write my entry now, and there is nothing stopping me from doing so. Today is my dad’s birthday. I could not write earlier because my concentration was oﬀ. I have to get back into things. I am almost finished with The Three Musketeers, and I am really looking forward to finishing the book partly because I have been reading it for such a long time. My mom, dad, and I did a clanking of glasses. My glass had a small amount of orange juice in it, while their glasses had some wine in them.

Today I went out for a bike ride, and I really had fun out there. I have been thinking a lot about whether to return to Trinity College. I want to return there, and I just might head out there next week. I am so glad that I was able to ride my bike today. I had a lot of fun getting outside. I saw the woman whom I see walking so often, and she was a sight for sore eyes. She has a lot of dedication. I wonder what she thought when she saw me.

I have gotten little reading done in the past week. I have been sick for such a long time, and it will take time to get over my sickness. I should really go to my psychiatrist appointment this Wednesday though I really do not want to go. My quite annoying obsessions are back. I do not like how they strike. I certainly do not want to take any medicine for them. Medicine scares me. Zyprexa really messes me up though in a way it helps me; it messes me up in keeping me healthy. I do not want to go on more Zyprexa that is for sure.

Last night, I watched the movie Twins. The women who were the girlfriends of the twins were good-looking, and there was a lot of romance in that comedy. Today I watched some of the news, and there is more of that presidential stuﬀ. Bush has been given the state of Florida, so he should be the next president of the United States. I think that Gore will contest everything.

Bush won the election by about four hundred votes. I do not know if I am going to make it to the psychiatrist’s Wednesday though I should probably go. I would much rather, say, go to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Yesterday I went there. Popee and I talked some. There was a chair for me downstairs. Usually I have to go in the wash room to get one. The chair was small, and it had rust on it. I did not mind too much. Popee sat on a big chair.

His chair was old. I told him about my physical illness of the past week. Popee talked about how even when he was not feeling very well he liked going out on the tennis court.

Popee thought that we could go out on the tennis court sometime, but he seemed to be kind of jesting though he might not have been. Mamaw talked a lot to us yesterday. She was talking about the television and about these singers who were on it. She gets very animated in a good way, and she moved her arms in describing the arm movements of one of the singers on the show. Mamaw asked me whether those scooters have a motor, and I said that some of them did. I do not know much at all about scooters, though, for I am not interested in them. I did not get to ask my grandparents what book they were reading. I have not watched that show “The Pretender” for a while, and I think that I am the better for it. The show is so strange.

Since the last time I saw “The Pretender,” Ms. Parker’s father was having an aﬀair with Bridgette. Ms. Parker had tried to have him killed before, so she does not like the arrangement. Jarod is still trying to find out more about his family.

Ms. Parker was having a relationship with a carpenter, and the place where she works called The Centre did not approve of the relationship though she threw away the background check that they did on the carpenter. She did this after she talked to Jarod, I think, about not letting other people run their lives. Jarod is a pretender, and he takes on diﬀerent jobs to help people. I do not know if I am going to watch the show tonight.

I might attempt to read Critique of Pure Reason next, yet I might just go to the bookstore and get some other books. I am very interested as always in the natural sciences, but the problem is getting books for them. Well, I am about through with my entry now. I have done the equivalent of a full entry today, and I just hope that tomorrow I will be able to do it all at once. I really do wish the reader is in good health. I hope that the reader will stick with me, as I think that I will be able to get a string of journal entries in if health permits. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, November 28 2000

I am writing this at night, and I have already finished dinner. I had a pleasant surprise in a way today because I wore some Sport Hill running pants on my bike ride today. The pants actually looked pretty good. Now I have two pairs of biking pants to wear. I am also going to ask for another pair of pants for Christmas. Tonight I am going to write my Christmas list, and I am going to ask for a lot this Christmas. I need a lot. Today I finished The Three Musketeers. I am now reading a Virginia Woolf book called Three Guineas. The book is quite short,

and when I finish it, I will probably have to go to the bookstore to get a new supply of books.

I saw a bunch of Loomis Chaﬀee kids on my bike ride today. On my way back home, I saw a lot of them running. The kids run really fast. I think that I saw a teacher running too, but I cannot be sure. He might have been Fred Seebeck. Tonight I am only going to write for about a half hour. I have read today for about an hour and a half. I do not know if I am going to write in this journal for an hour nearly every day, but if I do not then I will probably write some days a half hour. I will still try to write nearly every day, but some of the entries might be shorter than hour entries. The Three Musketeers ended with Milady being killed.

D’ Artagnan was promoted by the cardinal, and he becomes Athos’s oﬃcer.

A lot about the fate of the characters is told in the epilogue, where it says that Athos retires after a while, that Aramis goes and becomes a priest, and that Porthos might have gotten married to his mistress. So now the tale of probably is done, and I move on. Three Guineas is a very interesting book, and Virginia Woolf is attempting to tell to an accomplished man the ways in which war might be prevented. The story tells of ways in which women were hindered by men through history and have never been treated as equals. Woolf talks about how it was only in 1919 that women were allowed to work. Woolf mentions Harrow and Eton as among the top public schools in England, and Oxford and Cambridge as the top colleges. They might be called universities, but I like to call them colleges.

I had a fun bike ride today. I rode three loops, and I got kind of hot in my Loomis Chaﬀee Gore-Tex jacket. Today I saw a really attractive blond runner, whom I had seen before. She seems like she would be nice, dresses really well for running, and seems to be about my age. I wonder if she is married. I passed a nice-looking bronze dog. I did not see the usual woman walker today. I saw a bunch of people on the River Trail on my third loop around. Last night, I tried not to watch “The Pretender.” I ended up watching the second half of it though because there was nothing else on. The pretender got a kidney for a kid. I was thinking of going to the Windsor Library today, but decided not to. I am obsessed with that place.

I have to bring back the Schubert, Prokofiev, and Haydn CDs there. I like them all. I probably liked the Prokofiev Piano Concertos more than the others. I am thinking about returning to Trinity College. If I do return there, then I will go next week to Trinity College and find Mrs. Thomas. I will then talk to her about returning and then make it oﬃcial. Now I have to say goodbye. I do not know if I will write tomorrow. Well, I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Thursday, November 30 2000

Greetings, fellow earthling. I have not written here for a long time, and I miss the journal. Yesterday I got to my appointment, but I had a diﬃcult time just getting out of the house to go to Hartford. I want to return to Trinity College the next semester, and I think that I will be able to (I mean that I still have time to go for next semester). I am planning on calling Mrs. Thomas on this Monday, and I will tell her that I intend to return to Trinity College. I think that calling her will be a good thing. I think that I could be successful. My obsessions have been really annoying. Today I read Three Guineas by Virginia Woolf for about an hour and a half. I am looking forward to returning to college, where I can have freedom and meet people. I am hoping that I will be able to handle college.

I hope that I will be able to take a couple courses all right. I ran for about nineteen minutes today, and at the end of my run I felt exhausted. I just cannot run, for it is not practical for me. I feel much more comfortable riding my bike. I have felt frustrated tonight partly because my obsessions are annoying me. I brought back my CDs to the library today, but I did not take any CDs out. I saw some tennis this afternoon. There is a men’s tournament in Portugal; the event is in Lisbon. Corretja was playing Hewitt. This afternoon I overheard my dad talking in Italian to his sister, who lives in East Hartford. The book Three Guineas is good. Woolf is trying to answer how women can stop war. She is trying to explain how woman might stop war, and she thinks that maybe the empowered recent professional woman could help. Also, women are allowed in colleges and in jobs. Most women, however, are housewives, according to Woolf. They play a role in the family in raising the kids, but that is all. Woolf says that even the great women who are written about in biographies still did not get a paid-for education.

I do not know how I will ever get to Trinity College if my obsessions continue the way they do. I am guessing that once I get a handle on this furnace situation that all will be well. If I do go to Trinity College, I would probably take Latin and Greek, as long as neither of them meet early in the morning. Today I was able to read well, and I did most of my reading early today. There were few people in the library today. I passed a nicely behaved dark-colored dog on my run today. Yes, I actually ran today. If I do return to Trinity College, I must never give up my exercise. I see so many good things on my bike rides.

Tonight I am writing less, but I hope that tomorrow I might be able to write more. I do not think that writing a half hour is enough. I have barely started, and now I see that I must end. Now I am oﬀ, but I am glad that I am writing here. I am going to finish Three Guineas very soon, and then I can move on to Critique of Pure Reason by Kant. A man in the book, I think Macauly, said that women are unique and have some better qualities than men. Well, I have overstayed my welcome. Bye bye. By the way, I do not think that I know who Macauly is.

Friday, December 1 2000

I am thinking about returning to Trinity College though I do not know if that is the best thing to do. For one thing, my obsessions have been pretty bad lately. The main thing is these psychotic thoughts, which really drag me down, and my medicine does not help either. The stuﬀ makes me tired at all hours. Yet Trinity College is my lifeline, and without it I probably will not get very far. I might not write much today, but I do want to discuss Trinity College. I wonder if my psychotic thoughts will hinder me, and I have lived with them all right so far. Today I read Virginia Woolf for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. If I did return to Trinity College, I would have to be around the adults in the Classics department. I do not know why I ever picked up the Classics.

If I do return to Trinity College, I will need to call Mrs. Thomas up on Monday. Trinity College has a nice campus, and I would probably be on campus every day. The drive is about twenty minutes. I just do not know if my psychotic thoughts will disturb me, or whether they will get worse with stress. There were not many people on the River Trail today. I still like Virginia Woolf ’s book, but it is quite depressing. Today is very cold, and my fingers were quite cold at the beginning of my bike ride.

I hope that I would even be able to handle the academics at college. I do not even know if on this Zyprexa I can take two courses. Ideally, I would like to take four courses. I suppose that I can at least try the courses and see how I do. I guess that I could take Latin and Greek, those two boring languages that I am so good at. I could take a summer class this summer. I just want a college degree so that I can get a job or can have some credentials. I know that I sound materialistic, but having a degree is a big plus in the world. Now watch me after all this talk not even go to Trinity College, but stay at home. If I stay at home though, things might go bad.

Popee would like to see me graduate, for then there would be two Trinity College graduates in the family. I have to think about what I think is right though. If I did not have these psychotic thoughts, I would be all for going. I just feel awfully paranoid lately. Many great men would advise me to stay at home in my solitude. St. Augustine and Nietzsche would want me to stay at home. I might end up staying at home. I just cannot foretell what I will do. I think that I am going to try to go to college. I need some responsibility. I do not care how many people with schizophrenia do not make it. I am an individual, and I do not follow the statistics or the crowds. I have a good start at college, and it is not as if I am starting college in my first year. I have over two years under my belt. My average is a B+. If I can graduate with that average, then I will probably graduate with honors.

I should not talk like this though. I am on ten milligrams of Zyprexa, and that is a lot for me. My average will likely drop to a B while I am on this dosage. If there is any way that I can graduate from college, I will do it as long as the way is moral and legal. Yesterday, I watched the show “The Pretender,” and it has

stuck to my mind like glue. The show gets on my psyche and does not let go. I might try to avoid that show from now on. Last night I listened to Beethoven’s “Pathetique” Piano Concerto. I had to stop listening to Haydn’s One Hundred and Fourth Symphony because it was so boring. Well, I am oﬀ now. I hope that I will be able to return to Trinity College. If not, then I will be here alone. If not, things will still be pretty good for me here. Goodbye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Sunday, December 3 2000

Hello. I am writing this after a bike ride. My hands were freezing for about half of the ride. I think that they are still kind of tender. I am reading Ecce Homo by Nietzsche, which is diﬃcult to understand. The book is an autobiography. My tires on my bike are nearly flat, so I will have to pump them up. My obsessions are as bad as ever. They really are annoying. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and Popee said that I should do what I want to do relating to college. Now I feel better about staying home. I know that on Friday I wanted to go to Trinity College, but now I am just about set on not going. I would rather stay home and do some reading here. Yesterday I finished Three Guineas by Virginia Woolf. Mamaw remarked as to how close Christmas is.

I mentioned that it has not snowed yet, and Mamaw asked me if I liked the snow. I said that I did, and she said that it would snow. I asked Mamaw what she was reading, and she said that she was reading a mystery. Popee used to always want me to go to Trinity College, but now he thinks that I should do what I want to do. Popee asked me if the psychiatrist knew that I played ping-pong and if the psychiatrist was athletic, and I said that he was not. Popee and I played ping- pong yesterday, and he played well though I won the games. I had some good gets. Popee is a good athlete.

Mamaw talked a lot about how Jane might get a new job. I guess that she might have a new job at an estate, where she would be the head of the gardener, maid, and so on. I guess that the person whom she is working for now is racist and fires people a lot. I wonder how my cousin Sarah, who has a baby, is doing. Mamaw was looking at information about apartments for herself and Popee though I do not want them to move far away. The book that I am reading is very diﬃcult to understand. There was on passage about food and wine that totally eluded me.

I could not tell if Nietzsche was speaking literally or metaphorically.

Nietzsche says that he very much liked the musician Wagner, whom I am very eager to get some music by; they were close friends. I have heard good things about Wagner from Goethe and now from Nietzsche. Yesterday I went to the bookstore in West Hartford, and I bought four books. The books should be pretty good, but I just hope that I will be able to understand Nietzsche better. He is kind of full of himself, and he thinks that Thus Spoke Zarathustra is awesome.

He does seem kind of conceited. My obsessions are still really annoying, and

they strike often. I now have read nearly every Virginia Woolf book and nearly every Plato book. Today is really cold out, and my bike ride was not as fun as usual simply because I was so cold.

The water in the marshes was frozen, but the river is obviously still water.

When the river freezes, it is frozen water. I wonder when it will snow. I have written my Christmas list. I am not asking for very much considering that I do not get much during the year though my parents have spent some money on books for me. My obsessions are so annoying. I am asking for some CDs among other things. I wonder what ever happened to my old cat Kit. Geez, my obsessions are attacking me hard now. Kit ran away and has not been seen since. I will probably soon finish Ecce Homo, which is extremely short. The bookstore had tons of books by Nietzsche or about him. He says that he is a Polish nobleman, and he rejects any ties with Germany. He thinks that the Germans ruin civilization wherever they go. I do not agree with Nietzsche’s views on religion. He is an atheist, and I am a firm believer in Him and His compassion.

I really have not written too much lately. I do not know if I am writing enough really. Well, I am about through writing for today. I will have written for about thirty-five minutes. Maybe in the future I can look towards writing more. Well, I am oﬀ now. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read and maybe even to understand Nietzsche’s Ecce Homo. I do understand parts of it well, and I liked how he described his friendship with Richard Wagner. I will have to get some Wagner music if I can find it. Well, like I said I am oﬀ. I wish the reader a fine day, and I hope that he or she is in good health. Bye bye.

Monday, December 4 2000

Hi. I am still reading Ecce Homo, which is pretty good. Last night, I had trouble with it, yet I picked it up later in the night and understood it then. I just got home from a bike ride. My bike is getting kind of noisy, and I think that it might need some oil for the crankset. I do not like a noisy bike. Today is cold. I am not sure if today or yesterday was colder. I went to the Windsor Library yesterday, and I took out some CDs. I took out the opera Parsifal by Richard Wagner.

The thing about it is that it is in a diﬀerent language. I cannot understand the words, and this greatly lessens its appeal. I think that I would like Wagner’s music if it was sung in English. I did have a good bike ride today, and there were tons of people on the River Trail. There were all sorts of people on the trail too. There were preps, a grunge person, and an old woman, and there were a lot more than that too. My bike’s being kind of noisy now kind of puts a damper on my ride. I found some gloves to wear for my bike ride today though they might be kind of heavy for my bike rides. They are meant for skiing really. I am interested in Wagner’s music, but if it is in German, I do not see how I can experience it.

I am looking forward to reading Keats, and I think that the book by Keats will be the next book that I read though I do not know if I will understand him very well. Today I did understand Ecce Homo in which Nietzsche talks about each of his books. He says that he never has thought decadent thoughts. He does not care for morals, and he calls for a revaluation of morals. He thinks that the notions of God, eternal life, and virtue have all but ruined civilization. He says that he likes cleanliness in thought and that he is clean. He thinks that the cream of the crop read his works, and he is very caught up with himself.

Nietzsche mentions his friend Wagner a lot. He was Friedrich’s friend. I kind of would like a wise friend, yet in a way I take that back. I guess that I do not know what I want. I asked my mom to get me some gloves, and I wonder if she will get them for me today. The gloves that I have are good gloves. I am looking forward to Christmas, and Mamaw mentioned the other day how Christmas was fast approaching. There is a squirrel in my yard. Actually, I see two squirrels. Now almost all of the leaves on the trees are oﬀ. Last night I watched a movie called Last Man Standing.

The movies on television are all boring. There are just all these boring movies on television. If the movies are not boring, then I have already seen them on television before. The movies are too boring to mention even here. I am interested in Wagner, like I said, but only if his operas are in English. Well, I am not going to be melancholy over it. I guess that for Christmas I could ask for a Wagner CD in English if one exists though I do not want to ask for too much. I did not like it much today when there were a lot of people on the River Trail. I like the River Trail when it does not have many people on it. I hope that the CDs that I got at the Windsor Library will be all right.

I got some Mozart, Bartok, and Wagner. I listened to Wagner’s Parsifal, but, like I said, I could not understand the words. I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Ninth Symphony yesterday, and I liked that. I do have the Thirty-Ninth, but it is divided up and is therefore on two compact discs. So, I have not been able to listen to the Thirty-Ninth until now. Well, tonight I am going to probably read Ecce Homo. Nietzsche was awfully conceited. He seems to contradict himself because he preaches solitude, yet he was a university professor. He should, as they say, practice what he preaches. In any case, I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader is well, and I will probably write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Tuesday, December 5 2000

I have had a day full of annoying obsessions, and I hope that they do not get worse. Today I finished Nietzsche’s book, and now I am reading Keats. My obsessions right now are awful, and they really are taking a lot out of me. I have had them all day. I am forced to do things that I really do not want to do, yet my day for the most part has been very good. Only now when I am writing do the obsessions attack. Right now it is pitch dark out. My obsessions are relentless. I

recently had dinner. Although yesterday dinner was good, I did not have enough to eat, so I have reason to complain. Yesterday I had chili with rice, which was very good, yet that is all that there was. There was nothing else to eat. I also asked my mom to get me gloves for my bike rides, but she has not gotten them yet.

The book that I am reading now by John Keats is very good, and it is a compilation of all his poems. Keats is very talented and is more of an optimist than Nietzsche. Keats seems to be a Christian. Nietzsche is an atheist. He makes puns at religion, and he thinks that religion is a plague. He thought that he could change history and make the future brighter, but that is an utterly impossible task. He might try, but he cannot help failing at the task.

I guess that I do like poetry. Keats certainly is a good poet though I have not read too much of him yet. I think that I read Keats today for about thirty-five minutes. Today I listened to some Mozart piano sonatas, and the musician’s name is Andreas Haefliger. Maybe he is related to the fashion icon Tommy Hilfiger. Like I said, I liked the Mozart sonatas, as they are called. Last night, I listened to Mozart’s Thirty-Ninth Symphony and a short piece with a flute in it.

My bike ride was fun, and today I rode faster than usual. I think that I rode faster because my tires were pumped up. I think that I pumped them up yesterday, and now all my bike needs is some oil on the chain. There were not many people on the River Trail today probably because it was so cold. I do not know the reason, though, and I am not sure I would tell it if I knew. I saw a cop car today, but I did not know what to make of it. I did ride faster than usual today. I rode three loops, and then I went some extra on the River Trail. On my ride, I passed that cop car standing still across the street. I also passed a man with two fancy dogs, a man in hiking shoes, and an older man.

I do not think that I saw any women today. I have had a tough time tonight, especially with obsessions, and they have really taken me by storm. They really are tough to deal with. I am very glad that I have been able to write tonight, and I do like writing a lot. I just hope that these obsessions will not take over my life. I want to be happy, and I do not want any obsessions bothering me. The obsessions can even change my writing, and sometimes I feel compelled to delete a word because of them. This Thursday I am planning on printing out my journal, and I am kind of looking forward to that because I think that that would

be fun. I am glad that I have written in my journal today. Tonight I am not sure what I will do though I am pretty positive what I will do. After writing this and resting, I will probably watch some television. I will probably watch a lot of television actually. Well, I should probably leave now. I hope that I wrote enough today. Farewell, fair reader. Bye bye.

Wednesday, December 6 2000

Well, today my obsessions really ruined me. They ruined my concentration when I was trying to read Keats. Therefore, they ruined my morning. Then I got depressed over them. Lately, however, I turned things around and went on a bike ride, and I think that my bike ride has helped me to get over the obsessions. Today I went to the Windsor Library, but I probably should not have. I looked through the science section briefly, and boy was there nothing there. Nearly all of the books were old, and there were few textbooks. I went there to see if I could find any operas in English. I wish that there was a Wagner opera in English. The CD cabinets were locked today, so I did not look through the CDs. I decided not to ask them to open them because I did not want to bother. My obsessions are making my writing worse as I speak. This font is not a very good one really. In any case, my bike ride turned things around for me. I hope that I can just kind of phase out my obsessions entirely.

From what I have read of Keats, I am kind of impressed in a way. Keats seemed infatuated with the opposite sex. I guess that one could call Keats a romantic, and so they say. He is certainly not easy to read. If he continues giving me problems, I will probably move on to Le Morte D’ Arthur. Keats writes a lot about nature. He writes about a kingfisher, a swan, and a robin. I do not think that I have ever seen a kingfisher, and I certainly have not seen a swan. Yet I have seen a robin. Keats talks about the beauty of a robin, and the crest that it has. I think that it has a crest though I am not sure what family it comes from. I did have a superb bike ride today, and my hands did not even get hot in my gloves. In all, I read about an hour and twenty minutes today, but for much of that time I was frustrated because of my obsessions and because I could not understand Keats. I could not understand him because of these obsessions.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I am probably going to get some much- needed shoes and CDs. I am really not asking for much considering that I probably will not return to Trinity College. The way this whole journal entry looks on the screen is interesting. With this poor font, letters overlap each other in diﬀerent lines. It is as if there is some poor handwriting going on here. I had some extremely interesting dreams last night intimately connected with my psychosis. I mean that all the elements of my psychosis were there. The dreams were extremely vivid. Last night, I watched “The Pretender,” and the show’s characters are etched in my mind. The characters are Ms. Parker, Broots, Rains, and a couple others. They all work at a place called The Centre, which is an English spelling of the word center.

The show gets on my nerves, but it is the only decent thing on at seven o’ clock at night. Today is obviously very cold. I hope that my obsessions might go away. If I could just ask them to leave my house, that would be good. If I could just politely tell them that they have overstayed their welcome, I think that I would be happy. I think that I might have just seen Frank Merrill’s white pickup truck go by, and I could see the thing in the distance. Well, tomorrow I probably

will print up my journal. Therefore, I probably will not write in my journal tomorrow.

As long as I follow the right path, God’s path, I think that I will be all right.

I hope that God will always be with me, and I can attest to his Goodness. I am glad to be writing this entry. I hope that I will write on Friday. Today I probably will listen to a lot of music and watch a lot of television, but I am just glad that I was even able to get this journal entry in today. Maybe somehow I can will my obsessions away, who knows. Well, I should end my entry now. I wish the reader well. I will also update the reader on how I am doing in the war with my obsessions. In any case, I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, December 8 2000

I do like the snow, but this recent snowfall might have contributed to my not having ridden my bike yet. Right now it is snowing, and there is a covering of snow all over the ground now. Today I read Keats for about an hour, and the book is interesting. I am reading a long poem called Endymion, which is pretty fun to read. I did not write yesterday because I printed up my journal. Yesterday I printed up my journal, and I got it all printed up. Now I am all caught up in my journal printing. I am not sure if I will go out and ride my bike this afternoon.

My obsessions are still annoying though somehow I am able to live with them.

I think that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. There is a kid whom I see in the woods. He stood still, but now he is walking through the woods. Christmas is fast approaching. Christmas is coming up soon, and I am really looking forward to it. Right after Christmas will be the new year, and I am looking forward to Christmas more than the new year. I am pretty happy with the book that I am reading. Keats died when he was really young. Endymion is about this young man named Endymion who meets some goddess, and he falls in love with her. After I finish Keats, I will have two books left from my last jaunt to the bookstore.

I will have Nietzsche’s Human, All to Human, which is a poor title grammatically, and Le Morte D’Arthur. Right now it is snowing pretty hard. Maybe I was right to stay inside. I am kind of proud of myself that last night I did not watch “The Pretender.” I watched a pretty decent detective show called “The Profiler” though I might watch “The Pretender” tonight. The show was about this woman who fell in love with a boy. They both run away from home, and the woman essentially goes on a killing spree.

I have been thinking some about returning to Trinity College, and I began thinking about it today. I do not know what to think, and I do not know if I would be able to handle the work there. I guess that I could wrap up this entry now. I would have liked to have written more, but I think that things will surely be better if I end now. I mean I guess that I will spare the reader some angry or tired musings. I probably will not write tomorrow because I will be at Mamaw

and Popee’s house. Maybe I will even get to ride my bike today, who knows. Take care, gentle reader. Bye bye.

Sunday, December 10 2000

Hi. I have not written since Friday. Yesterday, I saw Mamaw and Popee, and the visit was really great. Today, however, I just wanted to get a journal entry in. Yesterday I had a good talk with Popee, and he thinks that I should try returning to college. Today I was really in a bad mood. I did not want to socialize, but really wanted to concentrate on getting my entry in and getting all done the setup of my new piece of furniture, which will hold all of my clothes.

So, I feel bad that I was in such a bad mood, but so things go sometimes. I think that Popee noticed my mood. Today I just found that I wanted some solitude, not socializing. Today I read Keats for about an hour, but that book is so diﬃcult. I do not understand poetry very well. Keats is quite diﬃcult to get, and I was tempted to turn to Le Morte D’Arthur. Yet I think that I will stick with Keats for the time being. Today is quite cold as usual.

I did get to go on a fun bike ride for about a half hour today though the bike is still kind of noisy. I will only be able to write for about twenty-seven minutes today. My obsessions are still with me, and my schizophrenia keeps me from having a better time these days. I do not think that I am going to read tonight, for I will be setting up my dumb piece of furniture. Well, today was not a total disaster, for I was able to write in this journal.

Still, I cannot help feeling a failure for not writing enough today. I just hate when I am not able to do justice to this journal. I hope that next week I will remain as true to my journal as I have last week, when I wrote nearly every day. I might even be forced to bring up the piece of furniture before dinner, for my father seems to want to bring it up before dark. I know that I sound melancholy, and I am. So, without any more delay now I am oﬀ. I will probably write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Monday, December 11 2000

I have decided to write for an hour from now on. My old schedule is what I am aiming for. I think that I should be writing more, and I got to this decision today. I just think that I should be writing for the full hour that I am used to writing. Today I was reading Le Morte D’Arthur, but I do not think that I will be reading that book from now on. In the book Malory uses archaic words a lot, making it diﬃcult to understand. My obsessions are unfortunately still with me, but I can deal with them. I do not know how long I have been writing for about a half hour time interval in my journal, but I am guessing that it is for about two weeks. I hope that I will be able to write for about an hour from now on, and I want to keep up this journal. Today I did go on a bike ride; there were not many

people on the River Trail today. There was one man whom I passed with his head down. He seemed to want to hide his head, and he was wearing high-top sneakers. I passed an old man who I have often passed before. There were also some construction vehicles in the River Trail parking lot.

My ride was fun. Today I oiled my bike, and the bike sounded a lot less noisy. Today might have been less cool than other days. The marsh and the pond have thawed out some. I wore my heavy gloves today, and they worked well. I have two pairs of black gloves. There is a heavier kind and a lighter kind. I think that I had the heavier kind at Loomis Chaﬀee, and the new gloves that I just got are obviously the lighter kind. I saw a stray dog on the River Trail today. The dog was black, and I think that it had a dog collar on. I have been thinking over going to Trinity College. I do not really want to return, for I think that I could do just as well here. I want my freedom, and I have more freedom here.

Although I am kind of isolated here at home, at least I am happy. I do think that Trinity College is a good college, but I am not suited to go to college. I am suited to stay here and to study on my own. I hope that the River Trail does not get more crowded anytime soon. The lure of the River Trail is not there when there are a lot of people on it. When there are a lot of people on the trail, things get hairy. I mean that people always have to get out of the way, and I have to do a lot of swerving. I am looking forward to the spring when it will be warmer, but, like I said, I am not looking forward to more people being on the trail.

I have kind of been in a diﬃculty concerning my books. I started Keats, yet I cannot understand it very well. I have been struggling with Keats some days now. I am not used to his writings, so it is quite hard to understand. I was able to understand him somewhat, but I miss much of the gist of his writing. I gave Keats up last night. Now today I took up Le Morte D’Arthur thinking that that might be easier. The book started out easy enough, and I liked it very much. I liked the story of how the king had Arthur by taking away the late duke’s wife Igraine. I liked the story of how young Arthur pulled the sword out of the stone numerous times.

Many did not want to accept him as king, but the magician Merlin assuaged their doubts by saying that Arthur was the son of the dead King Uther Pendragon. I think that that was the king’s name, yet then things went downhill. There were some battles, and things got confusing. I could not understand what was going on in those battles. So it turns out that I will have to give up Le Morte D’ Arthur for now, but maybe I will pick it up later. I do not want to give up on the book totally though I feel poorly that I had to give up on Keats. Now I am, however, reading a book that I can understand. I am reading The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. The book is a good one, but it is kind of short as compared with the books that I have been reading.

The War of the Worlds is about these Martians, and so far the Martians have shot a blast each day of some high-energy cannon at earth. Also, there was some

Martian craft that landed on earth, and the earthlings got a glimpse of these Martians, who were big disgusting blobs essentially. There is a main character, but I am not sure what his profession is though he might be a scientist. There has been a bunch of people who have approached the craft waving a white flag, which signifies a truce. I do not think that those Martians are interested in a truce. Wells says that the Martians are smarter than the earthlings. I guess that I should call the earthlings humans. The humans essentially do not seem to have much of a chance against the Martians. Wells says that the Martians have come to the planet to settle, as their planet might be getting old. I am guessing that there will be a war between the Martians and the humans and that the humans are going to triumph.

I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to write in my journal for an hour. I do not think that my cutting down on my journal entries is helping any, and I think that writing here for a full hour is my responsibility. I have been writing here for an hour for some years now, and now is not the time to give it up. My journal undoubtedly has gotten kind of weak these past couple weeks, but I hope to revive it now. Not right now, but in any case writing tonight for about an hour can only help. Yesterday I was quite angry about things as I showed in my entry, but now I have more optimism. If I can keep on writing in my journal regularly for an hour, I will be in good shape.

I have managed to write in this journal pretty regularly with the half hour entries, but they were only half hour entries. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to write a full entry. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Wednesday, and I should probably go to that. I might read Dracula along with The War of the Worlds. I hope that Dracula is all right. After this entry is finished, I will probably watch some television. I saw “The Profiler” last week a couple of times. The show is all right, but it was also kind of freaky. Tonight I guess that I will watch “The Pretender” and some of the news. There has still not been a president elected.

Tonight I think that I also will listen to some music, and I might listen to Bartok. What to listen to has become a problem. I do not want to play my CDs too much, as the all too familiar piece is the all too hated piece. I will always follow is the road that God establishes. He alone is the consummate Being, and as long as He is around I think that I will be well. Also, He alone can help me to deal with these obsessions that I have. I am writing this entry after dinner when it is pitch black out. I do not want to go to my appointment on Wednesday, but I guess that I should go.

Now I am going to write my conclusion. I feel glad that I wrote today for a full hour, and I hope that I can continue writing for a full hour from now on. I hope that the reader has been patient with me. I wonder what is new with the show “The Pretender.” I wonder what is going on in the election melee. Well, I am oﬀ now. I will probably see the reader tomorrow, and hopefully I be able to write a full entry then. Bye bye.

Tuesday, December 12 2000

Hi. I do not think that I will be able to preserve the one-hour routine of writing here, yet I want to be able to continue writing in my journal for about a half hour. So today I think that I will write for a half hour. I think that today I was feeling low. The medicine tires me out and makes me feel bad. Still in desperation I decided to go out and ride my bike, which has a diﬀerent kind of tires. These tires are not tired, but are part of my reviving. My bike tires are part of getting myself back on happy ground. My bike is the opposite of my medicine, which tires me out a lot. I just saw a kid out in the woods behind the house, and I think that he was the same kid whom I saw before. I saw a small flame light up near him, so I am guessing that he has a lighter.

I had a good bike ride today. I saw the old man whom I see often on the trail, and he was wrapped up in a scarf. He is a trooper. He is not really in the army, but I am just kidding around. I rode pretty well today. Just getting out and riding today was a success because for a while I was just sitting around here thinking of what to do. After writing this, I think that I will watch some television. Afternoon television has mostly terrible shows except maybe for some skateboarding on a sports station.

I like watching skateboarding because it is a part of my past. I always liked skating, and I was pretty good at it too. I remember skating with a lot of people from my past. I skated with Amilca Gomes, these twins whom I hardly knew (I only skated with them once though), Dustin Brandenburg, and Josh or Oliver Devin (I am not sure which one). I probably skated with more people, but I cannot remember them all. I did not skate with much more people than the ones whom I have mentioned.

I liked my McGill board better than the other boards that I had, and I had a Vision also though I am not sure what the Vision was called. I think that it might have been called a Vision Gator. My McGill was made by Powell Peralta, and it had pink rails and orange Gullwing trucks. I do not remember what my first skateboard was, but it surely was not a good one compared to the Vision or Powell Peralta. I think that I had one small red plastic board. Then I think that I got a Veriflex at like Sears or Caldor. Then I really got serious and went to the arena in South Windsor where there was a skateboarding store, and I got a board there for probably around one hundred and twenty dollars.

My obsessions are still annoying, and they seem to take their toll. The only time that they do not bother me is probably when I am riding my bike. When I am riding my bike, there are not many obsessions that I really can do. I cannot really stop, and there is no detour to take. Well, I do not want to talk about my obsessions now. I am reading The War of the Worlds. So far the Martians have landed, and they have killed some people. There are these really huge machines with three legs that trample down trees and things in their path.

Soldiers have tried to do battle with the Martians, but they have failed. There have been these so-called cylinders that have fallen to earth from Mars and that contain the Martians. I do not know if the word Mars should be capitalized or not. The main character has brought his wife to safety, and he headed back to his house. Right now he is in shabby condition because of a storm and his trying to evade those Martian machines. Well, I have to say a quick goodbye now.

Goodbye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Thursday, December 14 2000

Hi. I am reading The War of the Worlds, and I am pretty far along in it too. Tonight I think that I will start Dracula, but who knows if I will read tonight. I have not been able to ride my bike today, for it is really icy out. I do not think that I will be able to run, for the roads are pure ice. The trees are covered with an icy covering. Everything is icy. Today I read for about fifty minutes, and I was not able to do more because the church bells ring at noon. At noon, the church peals out these short songs that fill the surroundings with sound. I am pretty sure that there are no real church bells, but just probably some speakers. The noise is really annoying, and I cannot read with this noise.

Last night, I could not really find a good program to watch. I flipped through the channels too much. George W. Bush has won the presidency, and he won yesterday. Gore said that he did not agree with the ruling. The weather will not allow me to ride my bike today. If I attempted to ride, then I would probably slip and fall. There is no way that I can bike in this weather. I have been thinking about returning to Trinity College, but time is running out on my decision. I do not know what to do.

Maybe I should return there. My mom said that if I returned I should take one course to get used to going out. I could handle this academically. I just do not know if I can go out to class. I guess that I am a fraidy cat. I guess that I am just afraid to go, and that I lack courage, bravery, and valor. I am looking forward to seeing Mamaw and Popee on Saturday. I am looking forward to a fun visit that I will enjoy more than the one last Sunday. I often dream about Mamaw and Popee, and they are always seen in a positive light in these dreams. I dreamt about them last night. I rarely dream about them alone, as they are always around other people. My dreams are filled with many people.

The book that I am reading is pretty good. The main character is in a house, which has been partially destroyed by a Martian machine. The fifth Martian cylinder landed right outside the house, and the protagonist has a nice view of the Martians and their machines. The Martians have tentacles, and they eat by injecting human blood into their veins. I think that that is disgusting.

They are essentially big beings like Jabba the Hut from Star Wars. I am not sure what color they are though they are bigger than humans. So far the protagonist’s brother has been trying to escape from the machines. The protagonist has been

telling his brother’s story, but now he is telling about how found a house and hid in it with a man who talks too much. There was some food in this house. Last night, I listened to some of Ace of Base and Veruca Salt. What a change from classical music. I like Ace of Base better than Veruca Salt. Well, this afternoon I might take a walk to the Windsor Library and look at their CDs.

If I go, I will bring back that crazy Bartok CD, a Mozart flute concertos CD, and the disappointing Wagner CD (disappointing because the words are in a foreign language). I would like to get some new classical CDs, but I might just browse. I just want to get some fresh air. Well, today I am only going to write for about a half hour, for I feel better this way. I hope that I can continue writing in my journal though I find it diﬃcult to keep this up. I sure do like writing though. I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader good and glad tidings, and I hope that the reader finds happiness and searches for it too. Thanks journal for a good entry. Bye bye.

Friday, December 15 2000

I feel extremely lucky that I am able to write today. I might not have been here. I am very disappointed that I did not get to ride my bike today. The River Trail is solid ice. I did run for about thirteen minutes, at the end of which I was extremely tired. I am almost through with The War of the Worlds, and I will probably finish the book tomorrow. Tonight I might start Dracula, which will probably be the next book to read. I hope that Dracula does not disappoint me. The War of the Worlds has gotten better, and the Martians are dying oﬀ because of the human ally bacteria. I guess that the Martians did not have any viruses or bacteria on Mars.

Today is a beautiful day. The ice on the trees glitters and makes a winter wonderland. Unfortunately, the ice means no riding my bike. I wanted to ride my bike, but I just could not. I get really winded trying to run. I am betting that thirteen minutes is the maximum that I can run. Tomorrow I think that I will be going to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I am looking forward to seeing them.

Today I read The War of the Worlds for about an hour, which is interesting, and in a way realistic. The Martians are dying oﬀ, yet at least around London almost all of the people are dead. There is still hope for humanity. The only hope to me would be if the Martians did not get over the sea. Wells seems to think that London is the greatest city in the world. Maybe that is why the Martians attacked it first if they did attack it first. I think that Wells is the most eccentric writer whom I have ever read.

His ideas are really out there like in The Time Machine. His ideas of that future convalescent race of men is really eccentric though there might be some truth in it. I did not think that The Invisible Man was very eccentric. The book was the only normal novel that I have read, and the other novels were novel in some way. Today I am wearing the most girlish clothes because none of my other

pants are washed. I am wearing these dark jeans and a sweater, and I look like a girl. This is unfortunate. Not only are none of my pants washed, but over a time holes are in nearly all of my sweaters. Two Brooks Brothers wool sweaters, a nice colorful Woolrich sweater, and an Abercrombie and Fitch blue sweater have all succumbed. Also, nearly all of my good T-shirts now have holes in them. I told my mom last night that this was the case, but she said that my T-shirts were old.

Tonight, I probably will attempt to read Dracula by Bram Stoker, and I hope that this book will not be a farce. I want to get around to reading Nietzsche. I think that I can read Nietzsche, but fearing failure I am reaching for Dracula.

The story has been stolen and used in tons of television shows and movies, and I want to see what all the buzz is about. The book is in the form of a journal. I wonder how The War of the Worlds will end. Maybe the protagonist will find his wife, whom he had been looking for. I will bet that the ending will be happy.

Tonight I will watch some television and then listen to some music. I have always had Trinity College on my mind, but I just do not know what to do. Well, I have got to go now. I hope that I will be able to stay away from riding my bike without losing my mind. I will have to wait until the ice is gone from the River Trail. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Sunday, December 17 2000

Hi. I am writing this during a rainstorm. The wind is blowing, and the rain is falling. I do not even know if this entry will be kept for posterity, for the power might go out. The rain is falling very hard. Today I went to the Windsor Library and brought back my CDs, and I read for about an hour. I do understand the book that I am reading. I am still reading Le Morte D’Arthur, and I decided against reading Dracula. On Friday I guess that I started reading Le Morte D’Arthur, trying it for a second time. At the library were two extremely pretty people working behind the desks. They were really very pretty, and I have seen them there before. I think that one has red hair, so I have a connection with her. I got soaked on my run to and from the library. The rain is really pouring. I have not been out to ride for a while (I think since Wednesday). So, I have had a hard time here though not as bad as I thought that it would be. Last night, I listened to some Mozart.

Since I am talking about music, I might as well talk about the crisis that I am having pertaining to this music. When I listened to Madonna last night, it got me all riled up. Listening to her riles me up and puts too much pressure on me.

My not sleeping well last night is a symptom of Madonnaitis. Yet I have exhausted my classical CDs, so now I do not know what to do. I went to the Windsor Library today, but for some strange reason I did not take out any CDs. If I had taken them out, I might not be talking about a music crisis. Well, there was plenty there to choose from. Now I have no choice but to listen to some CDs that

I have not listened to for a while. I will have to listen to the likes of Madonna and No Doubt, and they cannot compare to Mozart.

I like Mozart more than No Doubt and Madonna. I must say that I miss riding my bike, and it has really been more chaotic without my exercise.

Especially chaotic is my music situation, and I must seem pretty pathetic today to the average reader. I still have an image of those beautiful women in the Windsor Library. They are the only beautiful women whom I have seen in the library, and they both happen to work on the same day. They were pretty young too.

Maybe I should have taken out some CDs. Yesterday I saw Mamaw and Popee, and I had a good visit. Mamaw was talking about how she got some info on some retirement cottages down South. They would get free meals, but their living space would be quite small. They would move from a big house to a small cottage if they went. I doubt that they will actually move from their Hartford house. I think that Mamaw’s father was in the confederacy, and she mentioned that yesterday. Mamaw was looking at some old photographs, and she was looking at an old workbook dated 1900 that I think that her mom had as a young student. Popee and I played a couple games of ping-pong. He had been feeling nauseous some days before, but he felt pretty well yesterday though he had to end early. Popee mentioned, when the talk got around to it, that he played with some so-called high powered players that were on the Davis Cup team. I am talking about the times that he played tennis when he was at Pratt and Whitney. I did not talk to Popee much, though, and he talked about tennis as everyone was around the kitchen table.

I am looking forward to riding my bike, and the roads are as of now clear of ice. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to ride my bike. I did not sleep too well last night. I kept losing and regaining consciousness all through the morning. I really did not sleep very well, and I must have gotten up and gone back to sleep about ten times this morning. I felt uncomfortable. God is someone whom I always look to when I am in trouble. I hope that I can count on Him to give me good sleep. Well, fair reader I am oﬀ. I have been writing half-hour entries lately, and today is no diﬀerent. Goodbye, alligator.

Monday, December 18 2000

I have been thinking a lot about whether to return to college, but I just do not think that I can go with this Zyprexa. If I were on a lower amount, then maybe I would be able to then. I realize that I am kind of a chicken for not going; I just do not feel comfortable going. I thought about it a lot today. If I do not go, then I will not have a college to go to. I do have an excuse for not going, and that is that I have schizophrenia. The disease is deadly really. If I did not have the disease, then I would probably be at school.

I am reading Le Morte D’Arthur right now, and I do like it. The book is huge. I actually went on a bike ride today. I rode pretty well on the River Trail, and I was none the worse physically for missing the rides. Today was cold as usual, but it is really nice out. Today I can say is a beautiful day. From what I read, nobody knows who wrote Le Morte D’Arthur, and the man who wrote it named Thomas Malory is a guess. He is supposed to be a prisoner at Newgate Prison, which I guess is in England, and he liked the legends of Arthur. The book is fun to read though it can be dry at times.

I should probably tell some about the dreams that I have been having, and I have a lot of them. A while ago I dreamt that I became the Antichrist. I had to assume my position in a big structure, which was very futuristic and black.

When I stepped on the beginning of the land where I was to rule, a sensation of evil came across me, and I was to be the ruler of all the evil in the world. I ascended my palace. When I was on top I met my wife, and she was pretty. Then I learned that my wife and I were to be made extremely old. Right before my eyes my wife shriveled, and her head became old. I also became old, but retained much of my mental capacity with which to rule the evil spirits. Then I realized that I did not want to be the Antichrist and to live this horrible yet powerful life.

I remembered that I was a good man. Suddenly the place disappeared, and I was in like a nice college dining room with other good young men my age around me. I cheered along with them that I was here. I think that among these young men I saw Matt Barber, which is surprising. The dream ended well.

For a more recent dream, I dreamt that I went to some camp. I think that I went to a tennis camp. I wanted to stay only a couple days because of my schizophrenia. When I went to leave, two young men who worked at the camp intercepted me. They would not let me leave because I had schizophrenia, and they did not like me because I had this illness. When I said that I was a Trinity College student, they seemed impressed. Yet that was only momentary, and they hated me. I think that they said that I would never leave. They intended to make like a special agent out of me, and I felt bad because my parents would not know where I was.

They took me through a cafeteria with people of all ages who were being used in the think tank, and this place was called the Cato Institute. I think that they all were being used for their minds. I said that I would not be able to do the physical demands until I was take oﬀ of medicine, so I told them that I wanted to be taken oﬀ the medicine. I think that the first task was on hockey skates. After that the dream gets kind of fuzzy, for there was so much that happened; I cannot put it all in order. Well, I just said a lot about what my dreams have been. I have a lot of dreams, and many people in them are the people whom I have been around and whom I have felt attached to. Now I am oﬀ. I have thought a lot about Trinity College, but I just do not know if I am able to go there. Today I read Le Morte D’Arthur for about an hour. I have got to go now. Bye bye.

Tuesday, December 19 2000

Today has been very challenging. I think that I am beginning to feel more tired on this medicine, which really knocks me for a loop in the morning, and I have no energy then. I am finding it harder and harder to live with this medicine. Today I read and rode my bike, and just doing these things was not a piece of cake. I just sat in bed this morning for about an hour trying to think of what to do. Finally, I just decided to attempt to read. I was able to read, and I have to use all of my mental strength to do it. I am still reading Le Morte D’ Arthur. The book is pretty good, but not as good as some other book that I have read. I kind of wish that the book was shorter, for then I might like it more. My obsessions are still with me, and I am guessing that they will be with me for a while. My obsessions are pretty bad, and they cause me to even change some of what I write.

Le Morte D’Arthur is decent. So far, the book tells the adventures of knights, such as King Arthur, Sir Gawain, Sir Uriens, Sir Uwaine, Queen Guenever, Balin, Balan, Sir Kay, and King Pellinore, and many of the adventures are just fight scenes. There is a lot of fighting in the book, and now that I think of it the fighting reminds me of a computer game that I played as a kid. The game had jousting, and I played it on the Apple IIE. I think that the game was called Chivalry.

One would joust with another person. I liked that game. Well, Arthur has a special sword and a special scabbard. They are magical, and he got the sword from the Lady of the Lake. He recently fought with a man who had his sword, and he got a lot of wounds from him. Finally, Arthur got his sword back and won the fighting match. The women in the book are called damosels. When Arthur was initially made king, there were many kings who did not like the idea of him being king, so they waged war upon him. King Arthur won those wars though he needed the help of two kings over the sea. I think that the names of those two kings were Ban and Bor.

Recently, King Arthur found himself in a prison with some other knights, who were famished. They said that they would not fight for the foul man whose name was something like Dumas. Therefore, they were put in Dumas’s prison. King Arthur said that he would fight for Dumas only to set these many knights free. So King Arthur had to fight with the man whom I mentioned earlier and who used the king’s own sword that was given him by this woman Morgan, Arthur’s sister, who wanted Arthur killed.

My obsessions are still so annoying. I did go on a bike ride today, and I found that the River Trail was flooded over. So I rode on the streets on the sidewalks. I rode for about a half hour, and I reached the tobacco fields in Windsor. I passed the cemetery, where I saw some names on the gravestones. I wonder where I would be buried if I was buried. Well, I have got to go, fair reader. I wish the fair reader, damosel, or knight a good day. Bye bye.

Thursday, December 21 2000

Hi. I went on a bike ride today, but the River Trail was flooded though part of it was all right. I went on the outside part where there was still some of the trail left. Today I rode for about a half hour through town and on the sidewalk down to the tobacco fields. When I was leaving, I heard the next-door neighbors talking. I guess that the husband was going somewhere though just maybe to his work place. Today I read Le Morte D’Arthur for about fifty-six minutes, and I stopped early because I heard the television downstairs.

My bike ride went well today. I did not get to pass many people because people do not walk on the sidewalks near the tobacco fields. I did, however, pass many cars. They were everywhere. Christmas is fast approaching. Christmas Eve is on Sunday, and then I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. The sidewalks were pretty good for riding my bike on though there were some icy spots and even some wet spots, where I got some dirt on my blue pants.

So far I have two pairs of pants to wear for biking. One is a baggy one, and the other is the opposite of baggy (they are essentially tights). Right now I have only my Loomis Chaﬀee varsity cross-country jacket to wear. I already saw where one of my Christmas presents is, for I noticed in clear view on the table a package from Sport Hill, which is a good catalog that sells activewear. I must sound like a salesman. Well, last night my sister got home at about eleven o’ clock. I watched a lot of television last night, and I listened to Tchaikovsky and Beethoven. There is something about Beethoven that I do not like.

Like I said, Anthony Macro called last night, and he wanted to know if I could essentially look through many pages of Greek to see if they were printed all right. I kind of would like to help, but it sounds like a tedious process. I wonder what I will say. I just do not want to help with this. I might sound kind of mean, but I just want to do what I have been doing and not worry about taking part in helping to publish a book on Greek.

I had a very vivid dream last night in which I was reincarnated in a diﬀerent body. I learned that I was a wrestler among other sports now and that I was put on this exercise machine that I had never seen before. I did not know what to do. I finally discovered just in time that I had to do a rowing motion with this handle. So, it was a type of rowing machine, and there was a lot of water in a type of pool behind me. I slipped on the machine while rowing, and I fell backwards and found that I was helpless and that I could not stay above water.

I was rescued, but I found that I would be punished by some people for my carelessness. Well, I am oﬀ now. I am glad that I wrote in my journal today. There was much more that I dreamt, but those will always be a secret for my own reasons. Fare thee well, knight or fair damosel (or damsel). I hope that he or she is not in any distress. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, December 23 2000

Hi. I did not write yesterday because I did not sleep the night before yesterday. I feel pretty bad right now because my obsessions are winning me over; they are getting the better of me. Today was a diﬃcult day to say the least. I miss not writing yesterday. Today I essentially was immobile in bed, and this was after I had gotten up and eaten. I hate being in bed like that. I was like that for about fifty minutes, and I was reminded of those times at Trinity College when I was immobile in the same way, having gotten home from school. I feel kind of depressed precisely because I was immobile in bed today. I just felt so tired that I felt that I had to give in and put my head down. I did not mean to stay in bed for as long as I did.

God has shown the way today though. I was able to read Le Morte D’ Arthur for a total of about an hour and a half. I slept well last night. I actually did write in my journal yesterday, for I wrote a tiny bit in my notebook. I only wrote for about five minutes. I told how the trucks had kept me up, and how I would update my position today.

Today I got a big scare on my bike ride. I crossed the bridge on the River Trail, and I found that past the bridge it was icy. Then I got some notion, which I think was false, that below me was water and that I was barely being held up by the ice. I got this idea because the icy was cracking under my feet. I got oﬀ of my bike, and on my feet I tried to go as fast as I could over the ice back on the bridge, where I knew it would be safe. Even on the bridge I was still scared, and I got an aftershock that the bridge might be weak from all of the ice on it. Maybe it was not an aftershock but an aftercrack. Now my obsessions are back. Well, I will try to go on with my entry and just not worry too much about my obsession.

I saw a man on the River Trail, and he asked me if it was slippery on the bike. I said, “Kind of.” Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s for Christmas Eve, and then I will be going to Mamaw and Popee’s on Monday for dinner. Monday is obviously Christmas Day. Le Morte D’Arthur is a fun book to read even though it repeats itself a lot.

Mark Twain makes fun of how it repeats itself in his book A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. I read that Alfred Tennyson used Thomas Malory’s book for his Idylls of the king. I feel kind of bad that I missed my appointment with James Bozzuto this week, and I hope that I will get an appointment soon. I will bet that I will get a lot of presents tomorrow night. For my bike ride I rode through town though I miss the River Trail, but I thought that the River Trail might be too slippery. I hope that I will be able to sleep tonight.

Today has been a diﬃcult one because of various factors, namely, my somnolence (which can compare to the actions of a sloth) and my obsessions. I just hope that tonight I will be able to sleep well so that I can go tomorrow to Mamaw and Popee’s to celebrate Christmas Eve. I am about at the end of my coil as far as the journal goes, but I hope that I will be able to write again soon.

Tonight I guess that I will watch television and listen to music. Recently I have

been listening to some symphonies by Rimsky-Korsakov that I have taken out of the Windsor Library. Well, I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader a nice Christmas Eve, and if the reader does not have a nice Christmas Eve, I wish the reader to have hope for the future. Bye bye.

Tuesday, December 26 2000

I have not written for a while. I think that the last time that I wrote was on Saturday. I went to my grandparents’ house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Popee was out of sorts on Christmas Eve. He did not know that it was Christmas Eve. Yesterday I had lunch at Mamaw and Popee’s, and it was more of a dinner. I do not know what I am going to do today. I might ride my bike, as I got some new pants from Sport Hill. I do not think that the pants that I got for Christmas are the ones that I asked for. The ones that I got are all polyester, but I think that I wanted the Polartec kind.

I played Scrabble with Mamaw yesterday, and she won the game. I did not play ping-pong with Popee yesterday, but we played a game on Saturday. I guess that I am doomed to be an average member of the middle class. Maybe if I go out for a bike ride today, that would cheer me up. I have not been able to read much of Le Morte D’ Arthur because of the holidays. Yesterday I did not read much, and the day before yesterday I think that I read for about an hour and ten minutes.

Yesterday I read probably for about five minutes total due to the holidays and to the ever present interruptions.

I have not exercised in the past couple days, but I hope that I will be able to exercise today. I wonder if the River Trail is rideable now. The ground is still covered in snow. I feel awful. I do not know if I will be able to read today, but if I do not read, I might be able to write some. My journal today probably does not live up to its previous days, but the main thing is that I have written. I hope that I will be able to ride my bike today, and I hope that the River Trail ground is clear. I mean that I hope that there will not be a lot of ice still on the trail. Well, I will have to say my goodbyes now. Maybe things will look up soon, and I certainly hope that things will look up. I hope that God will always be there for me. Well, now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will wear my new exercise pants today. Bye bye.

Hello again. I thought that it would be a good idea to write now. Today I was able to read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about an hour. I do not mind that I am unemployed and have schizophrenia. I am not in prison or a criminal. In Le Morte D’Arthur I am at the part in the book where Tristram is going around and fighting knights, and the book seems to be divided into portions where one knight is concentrated on in each section. I was able to ride my bike today, and I went out in town. The River Trail was unfortunately quite icy today.

I feel bad that I could not read tonight. I do not know if this writing a lot is at all practical, but at least it gives me something to do immediately. On my ride today I saw a small stream, which was near the tobacco fields. Right by the

stream were some safety rails made of wood, and I guess they were meant so that no one would jump into the stream. All manner of cars and vans passed me today. Many of the cars that pass me are ugly.

I guess that I could talk about my Christmas. I had a tough time on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because of my obsessions. My initial obsession was that my sister left her television on when the family went to Mamaw and Popee’s. The obsession created a diﬃcult time for me and made me feel bad, so the whole of Christmas Eve was not nearly as good as it could have been. If I had not seen the television on from the car, then I am pretty sure that my Christmas could have been better. I got a lot of nice presents for Christmas Eve. My grandparents got me a nice card and twenty-five dollars. I feel pretty bad that I was not able to read Le Morte D’Arthur today.

I wonder if I will get psychotic again, and I have been sane now for a while.

Well, who knows if I am sane. If I have to be away from my reading, I feel that I might just go insane. I really like reading. If I get psychotic again, then I will probably do something like commit suicide or do something embarrassing. I would commit suicide because I might think that by doing so I would get the devil out of me, not realizing the real danger to my body. When I was psychotic before, I was about to down a lot of detergent, but there was none left in the bottle. I was going to the basement punching myself in the face trying to get the devil out. I was in a hurry too like I had to do something fast.

I also remember falling flat on my face outside twice. I do not remember why I did this, but I remember thinking of my Loomis Chaﬀee classmates as being on my side. The times when I had my psychosis were terrible, and I hate to talk about what I went through. I would not wish anyone to go through what I

went through, yet the experience was something to learn from. Well, I am through with writing now. Tonight I will probably watch television and then listen to music. I hope that the reader is surviving all right. So, tomorrow hopefully I will be able to read some of Le Morte D’ Arthur. Bye bye.

Wednesday, December 27 2000

Hi. Today has been surprisingly bright for me. Yesterday I got so frustrated. Today I was able to read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about an hour. I also rode my bike through town. I am getting along in Le Morte D’ Arthur. I saw two runners on my bike ride today. I think that my sister just got home. I will do as well as I can to write here. I had a good bike ride, but I would have liked to have ridden on the River Trail. I did not go on it today because I guessed that the River Trail was still icy. I rode down a hill by the drugstore, and at the bottom of the hill I saw a runner who let me by. The hill had a sidewalk with a fence on the outside of it. The sidewalk thus has little space. If the runner had kept running, he would probably have smashed into me, yet there might have been room.

The other runner whom I saw had little hair on his head. He was a young man. I think that he had an Adidas long-sleeved T-shirt on, and he probably was freezing. I did not see anyone else on the sidewalks today. I am glad that there were those two runners out there, for it is always good to see people exercising. I am still reading Le Morte D’Arthur, which still is fun to read. I like all of the violence in it. Yet the violence is not really gruesome, only when it describes how the sword goes through the brain pan, as the author says. My bike is holding up well. I know that I am changing the subject, but I thought that I would take the liberty to do so. Yesterday I got so frustrated with the aﬀairs of mine here at home that I wrote last night, which was a mistake. I have not seen my psychiatrist in a while though I might see him next week. I am waiting for James to call. I do not want to call him Mr. Bozzuto because that would have me sound like a person in college talking to a professor. I guess that I should try to call people by their names.

Snow still covers the ground, and today the sun is not really shining much.

The sidewalks were pretty clear for riding my bike. I miss seeing the river and the many trees on the River Trail. I do not know when I will ever get to ride on it, but I surely will be able to when spring comes. I look up to God for vigor and patience. God will always be there for me. Well, I am about through with my entry for today. I often think about returning to Trinity College, yet I will probably not return there. Yet who knows, and I will not rule it out totally as of yet. I wish the reader good wishes and a late Merry Christmas. I will try to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Thursday, December 28 2000

Hi. Today started on a sour note when I was swooning in bed this morning. After I got up, I ate and then showered. Then I went back in bed, and I felt immobile. I think that I stayed in bed immobile for about forty minutes. The medicine that I take makes me feel extremely tired, especially in the morning.

Now I feel all right. I recently got home from a bike ride. I have been riding through town. Riding through town is all right but not as fun as riding on the River Trail. Yesterday I was able to read for a half hour at night in addition to about an hour that I had done during the day. So I had a full day yesterday. I am obviously still reading Le Morte D’Arthur, and I do like the book very much though it repeats itself a lot in the fights and in the plot. I do not find that I mind that. Last night I watched “The Pretender,” and the episode was quite strange. “The Pretender” is an hour show, and I also watched the news. Last night I listened to some concertos by Vivaldi, and I have found that I actually have enough music to listen to for the short term. I listen to about an hour every night.

Snow still covers the ground, and the sidewalks are for the most part clear. The river is frozen. There is a river that I pass on the way through town, but I am

not sure if it is the same river that I see on the River Trail. The river that I pass on the ride through town is under a bridge that I consequently go over. My obsessions still are terrible. I saw some people on my bike ride today. I saw a man carrying some equipment. I guess that he was a phone or electricity repairman, and I am pretty sure that he wore some yellow or orange clothes.

Before that I saw Francis Angelo, and I waved to him and said “Hi.” Either he did not recognize me or he did not want to acknowledge me, for he did not respond. Then later I saw Louise Moran, and she said “Hi” to me in addition to saying my name. For two days previous to today I wore my new Sport Hill black pants.

Today, however, I wore my old Trinity College pants. I wore my skiing gloves too instead of the other Kombi gloves that I have lately been wearing. Both pairs of gloves are all-black.

Well, I should not be talking about fashion right now. Tonight I think that I will listen to a couple piano concertos of Prokofiev, whose style is unique and energetic. He plows along in his written concertos, and he probably was a pretty wild guy if his music reflects his personality. I will probably either watch “The Profiler” or “The Pretender” tonight. My sister is not home right now, and I wonder where she is. I need a haircut pretty badly right now, and I think that I will get it cut on Tuesday. My obsessions are really quite annoying. My mom is back at work, and my dad has vacation. I have not seen James Bozzuto in a long time. I will probably see him within the next couple weeks, and hopefully he will not rank on me for not giving any gifts this Christmas.

I probably should wrap up this entry now. I hope that I will be able to read Le Morte D’Arthur for about a half hour tonight. Well, I am oﬀ now. Before I go, I should probably hope that the reader will continue reading my journal entries, and I encourage him or her to keep reading. Now I will go, but I hope that I can continue my words tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, December 29 2000

Welcome to my journal entry. I have been thinking a lot about going to Trinity College. I just do not know how to handle the situation. I have been trying to get myself motivated to go, but I have a hard time doing so. If I decide to go, then I have to move quickly. I just do not feel very comfortable going out of the house a lot, yet I do feel quite comfortable riding my bike though I only do this for about a half hour. Today I rode my bike and rode past Kathy Pierson and Louise Moran, and Kathy remained silent when I passed.

There is supposed to be a big snowstorm coming into the state tomorrow. I know that a snowstorm is coming into the state because I saw it on the news, and my mom said that it will start snowing tomorrow morning. I checked the River Trail to see if it was clear of ice, but there is still a lot of ice on the trail. I went on the sidewalks through town. I did, however, go through a short stretch of the River Trail on the way and on the way back, and the trail was icy in spots and

dangerous. I hope that I will have a chance to ride on the River Trail soon, but who knows if I will be able to.

I read Le Morte D’ Arthur today for about an hour, and I do like the book.

Of all the knights of the table round, the book talks most about King Arthur and Sir Tristram. I still have a lot of the book to go. I think that I am about halfway through the book, which has about nine hundred pages. The book kind of repeats itself some, but I surprisingly find that I do not mind that much.

Tristram cannot be beaten in jousts except maybe by Sir Launcelot. The book spells it Sir Launcelot, but I have always thought that it was spelled Sir Lancelot. Sir Tristram comes from Cornwell, and the knights of Cornwell are known to be poor fighters. Yet Sir Tristram appears to be the exception to the rule.

He has gone on many exploits. Lately he has been in prison, and he was put there because he had killed some sons of the owner of the castle. He got sick in prison though he did get out all right. Sir Tristram jousted with many knights, and he managed to win every joust. There are oﬃcial tournaments where people joust for glory. The tournaments are very dangerous, though, for while jousting one can easily get seriously wounded or even killed. For the latest jousting tournament, Sir Tristram and Sir Launcelot got the honors for best knight. Sir Launcelot, however, gave the honors to Sir Tristram. Still, Sir Launcelot would be a good match for Sir Tristram. There are many knights of the Table Round or as I have usually heard it called before the Round Table.

I have thought a lot about Trinity College, and I just cannot seem to motivate myself to go there. I might be crazy for giving up the opportunity for going to a place that could actually improve my health. Yet I feel better here at home, and if I go to Trinity College, then I probably would face a lot of stress. I am not sure what I will watch tonight. “The Profiler” will be on at a diﬀerent time starting January 2. I should probably talk more about Le Morte D’ Arthur. I think that Morgan Le Fay has a crush on Sir Launcelot though he only likes the wife of King Arthur, so she has tried capturing him by force. The worst threat to the Table Round will be Sir Mordred. The book has not talked much about Sir Mordred, but earlier I think that Merlin said that that man would be the end of King Arthur’s rule.

The strangest name that I have read would have to probably be Sir La Cote Male Tayle. The knight with the ill-shaped coat. The book talks about his adventures some. Now Sir Launcelot is searching for Sir Tristram, for he wants to honor him for his amazing feats of skill at the jousting tournament. After Sir Tristram had got injured there, he went oﬀ and disappeared. Well, I am about through with my entry. I have little time left, so I must save the characters before they die. I will save you Luke from the garbage disposer in the spaceship. I will save the potential murder victim by shooting the killer just in the nick of time. I have got to go right now. Bye bye.

Saturday, December 30 2000

Hi. Today I am kind of depressed because there is a snowstorm going on, but I did manage to read today for about a half hour. The snow is coming down hard. I feel kind of depressed. I think that I will listen to music now. I have no intention of quitting my journal, but today I think that I will just take the day oﬀ. Bye bye.

Sunday, December 31 2000

I am not feeling very well right now. I feel in top shape physically, but due to the nearly unceasing noise in this house today I do not feel very well. Today I read Le Morte D’Arthur for about an hour. I would be going crazy if I did nothing. I also managed to run for about twenty minutes. My right ankle started to ache, so I figured that I would stop running. If the ankle had not hurt, I probably would have been able to have gone for about a half hour, so that was encouraging. Still, I cannot help but blame the medicine on my ankle injury. I know that that does not sound plausible, but the medicine does something to weaken the muscles.

Yesterday I was not able to do much. The same story as today applied to yesterday. Also, last night I could not sleep well because those trucks were out and beeping loudly. I really got little sleep, and I kept waking up. Still, I found myself waking up and sleeping all the way into the late morning. I still hope that God can guide me on the right way. Today I listened to some Prokofiev. I listened to Prokofiev’s First, Fourth, and Fifth Piano Concertos. Tonight I probably will watch some television. Today was pretty cold, but really beautiful with all the snow out. When I started my run, I was kind of cold, but then I warmed up and felt better. I ran through the town. The sidewalks that I ran on were clear, but some sidewalks on Broad Street were probably still not good to run on. Last night I could see the trees from my room because all of the snow reflected light.

So the snow lit up, as it were, the trees, and the world looked quite interesting and beautiful. I really hope that it will not snow tonight so that I can get a good night’s sleep.

My sister is out for a short while with her so-called pal Megan Michels.

Trying to do right by God helps me, for I think that doing right carries over into life. I feel kind of stressed right now, but I feel that I have a lot to say. I do not think that I will stay up late tonight to signal in the year 2001, for I would like to get some sleep. I hope that I am not a party pooper. I did not see Mamaw and Popee today though I wanted to, and I guess that I will see them tomorrow. I could not see them today because of my parents, who went to see some friends of my father’s.

I wonder what will be on television tonight. There will probably be some lame movies on. Le Morte D’ Arthur is going well, and I am reading some now about that false knight and treacherous king named King Mark. He has called

on Sir Tristram to defend his place from some knights. There is a full-scale battle going on, and Sir Tristram was needed to help the king. I am surprised that the noble Sir Tristram would help the treacherous king. who had before wanted the knight dead. Sir Tristram slays many people. Now the deal is that to tell the victor there will be a joust between a chosen knight from either side of the battle.

I will bet that the bad King Mark will pick Sir Tristram for his knight. I do not know of any brave knights on the other side, so I doubt that anyone will be able to match the might of Sir Tristram. I think that Sir Tristram’s full name is Sir Tristram de Liones. I know that I am quite loquacious tonight. I mean that I am talking a lot. I just have a lot to say. I have almost completed a full entry, and I am really amazed that this is so. Well, I have got to say goodbye about now. I hope that I can continue my studies here at home. I have thought still about returning to Trinity College, but I just cannot seem to decide to go. Well, I am oﬀ now. I hope to write in this journal as often as I have. I wish the reader fair tidings. Bye bye.

Tuesday, January 2 2001

I am thinking about returning to Trinity College and about calling the dean today, but I am just not sure about what to do. Popee wants me to return to college. I saw Mamaw and Popee yesterday, and I played ping-pong and had fun playing. Yesterday I was able to read about a half hour last night. Yesterday I was surprised that I stayed over for dinner at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and the dinner was quite good. Again this time on the way to Mamaw and Popee’s an obsession, which diminished the fun of the stay, caught me Popee really wants me to return to college, and he even said last night that he would pray for me. I am experiencing a lot of pressure from my grandfather to go, so I guess that I should try to go to college.

Today I went on a bike ride, and it was really crazy. The sidewalks were still not clear yet, and I nearly fell over my bike and broke my neck. I had to go a diﬀerent route today through town where I was riding on the road. After I rode down the big hill by the drugstore, I felt that I could not go back up it due to the snow on the sidewalk, so I had to go an alternate route. I am planning on having my haircut on Thursday. For my bike ride, I went by the Williamsburg apartments that I lived in for about a year. I have not had much time to read Le Morte D’ Arthur. I miss the book of chivalry, which is entirely lacking in this house. I miss Trinity College some, and I just do not know if I should return to the college. If I returned, I would probably take a single course in Latin or Greek. I told Popee yesterday that I was thinking about returning to Trinity College, his alma mater. I did not say to him that it was his alma mater, but I am just saying that now.

I have no idea what I will do today, but I hope that there is some time to read Le Morte D’ Arthur. My sister is exercising right now, but she calls it in Wheatie terms “working out.” I might go to the Windsor Library today to get out some CDs for lack of solitude to read. I saw a lot of television yesterday at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I saw some really quite old shows on the Television Land television channel. My bike ride today took me by Washington Park, and I remember going there when I was psychotic. I passed by some small houses, but one was pretty big. I just do not know if I should return to college or not. Something tells me that I should, but then I change my mind.

What to do eludes me. If I return to Trinity College, then I will have to call the dean soon. I hope that if I go, my obsessions will not get me by the neck. Last night I had some obsessions, and I think that they kept me up some. Something tells me that I should return to Trinity College, but who knows if I can stick to any big decision like that. The alternative might be devastating though. Well, now I have to go. I wish the reader well, and I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I really need a haircut. I owe this journal entry to God for His goodness. Well, I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, January 8 2001

I know that I have not written for a while. I have been killing myself trying to decide whether to return to Trinity College or not, and I do not know what to do. I have been thinking about it constantly. I just do not know what I should do. My illness is preventing me from going to college. Trinity College is a great college, but I have a serious illness. I feel pretty bad. I have been thinking about it all day. Today I read Le Morte D’Arthur for about an hour, and this was the first time that I have done so for probably about a week. I have not been able to read much, and things have been extremely chaotic. I have been entirely thrown oﬀ of my schedule, and trying to decide whether to return to Trinity College has taken up time. That is all I can think about. I keep asking myself whether I should call the dean, and my thoughts are spinning around in my head. I just cannot decide to go.

Last night I did not sleep very well, for my thinking about Trinity College has consumed my life. I have not been able to do much of anything lately, and I just do not know what to do. I have been listening to a lot of music lately, and I am listening to many diﬀerent composers. My obsessions are still here. I have had a lot of dreams. I am glad that I got to read Le Morte D’ Arthur today. My obsessions are still pretty bad. Snow still covers the ground, and I have found that it is diﬃcult to bike. So, I have not gotten much exercise or reading done.

I am looking forward to the spring, when I can bike without worry. I wonder when my sister will be coming home from Delaware. I hope that she does not get home tomorrow though she probably will. I did not know what to do lately, so I started writing a book about my psychosis. I spent an hour and a

half on it over two days, but I figured that that was not a good idea and deleted the file. That shows just how frustrated and desperate that I was.

My hopes of returning to Trinity College seem to be fading away. If I wanted to go back, then I should have called the dean today. I hope that I eventually finish Le Morte D’Arthur. I do not like being on a single book for a long time. The next book that I will read will probably be the Nietzsche book. I went to my appointment last week with the psychiatrist. He said nothing about college. My obsessions are still very annoying, and they are always with me. I am over halfway through with Le Morte D’Arthur, which has about nine hundred pages. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. They really want me to go to Trinity College, but I wish that they knew how diﬃcult I find going. Well, I have got to go now, but I am glad that I got to write. I hope that the reader does not give up on me and that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Tuesday, January 9 2001

Hi. Today has been challenging and successful so far, and I have read and exercised. I read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about an hour today. I ran some and walked some at the same time, and I was out exercised doing these things for about a half hour. The running part was funner than the walking part. Yesterday it snowed, and the River Trail has not been cleared yet. I was hoping that the River Trail would have been clear, but there is snow on it. My obsessions are extremely annoying, and they still are around obviously. I am not going to Trinity College. At least I am pretty sure of this. On my walk, I walked down some streets with pretty ugly houses on them. So, the walk was not exactly as enjoyable as a walk on the majestic River Trail.

I hope that I can finish Le Morte D’ Arthur relatively soon. I want to read some Nietzsche. I wonder what my extended family is doing now. My aunt Carol is a probate commissioner. She gave me a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to Barnes and Noble for Christmas. I talked to her on the phone on Christmas Eve, and she said that the kids got video games. The kids are Taylor, Benjamin, and Christopher. I wore my winter gloves today on my exercise outing, but I found that I really did not need them. I cannot praise God enough, for certainly I owe all of my prosperity to Him. I wanted to say that. My gloves were too warm in the long run, and I really do not think that I need gloves on my outing.

On my walk I passed Amilca Gomes’s old home. I had a lot of fun over at Amilca’s. I remember ollieing and watching a skating video with tons of people over there. We used to practice skateboard tricks in his driveway. I think that I also passed the Willy Jacob’s house. He always had some devious, lascivious pun to make in elementary school, and in class he told the teacher how much a prostitute charged for various services. He used to like fantasy books in middle school as I did. By fantasy I mean books with sorcery and trolls. I saw him a

couple years ago at the Windsor Library, and he was studying to become a car mechanic.

Le Morte D’ Arthur is still interesting. Sir Tristram is talked about in the book more than any other character though he might not be the most skillful fighter. Right recently, Sir Launcelot du Lake brought him down at a joust. King Arthur recently got in the melee at a tournament, which he usually does not do. Right now, it is a bunch of King Arthur’s knights versus some foreign competition and a handful of his knights. I think that Sir Palamedes, Sir Gaheris, Sir Dinadan, and Sir Tristram are the major forces against King Arthur’s side. I think that the book could greatly gain if there were other topics besides fighting. The book would be a masterpiece if it talked of some magic and of Merlin some more. The beginning of the book when it talks of the sword in the stone is better than just fighting. While fighting is fun to read about, still some change of pace is better. Well, I have to wrap up this entry now. I hope that I can continue exercising as I have been recently. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, January 11 2001

I went to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. Today I got to walk on the River Trail, and that was fun. Yesterday I got my haircut, and I also ran for about twenty-five minutes. I was not planning on going to my appointment, but my mom said that I should go. My obsessions are still pretty bad. I have good dreams all the time. The ground is covered in snow though the River Trail was walkable with a lot of ice on it. I wore my blue Sport Hill pants today on the walk. My birthday is coming up, and I kind of want a stereo though I am too shy to ask for it. If I got one, I would like a good one. Today was not too cold. I passed a couple on the River Trail. The woman said “Hi” to me, and I said “Hi.”

The appointment yesterday made me kind of depressed because James Bozzuto mentioned changing medicine; he suggested that I could take a diﬀerent psychosis medicine, but I do not think that a new medicine will help much. The specific medicine that he wants to put me on is Seraquil. Do not get me wrong, I am looking forward to a new medicine coming out, and there is no medicine on the market now that can do me any good.

At dinner last night my mom asked me what the doctor and I talked about.

She asked if I talked about my future, and I shook my head. Then she guessed that I talked about the book that I am reading, and I nodded. She then guessed what book I was reading. I do not know when I will ever finish Le Morte D’ Arthur. I have been having trouble finding music at the library that I like. Last night I listened to some Schubert, which was just fair. The only musicians that I really like are Haydn, Mozart, and Vivaldi. Some of Haydn can just be poor, while the last quartets that he wrote are probably my favorites of all of his works. Like I said, I got my haircut yesterday, and I got it cut by Frank Cecchini. The haircut was all right, but it was not too great. I am just happy that it is cut. He

told me that “they usually do not wait this long” to cut their hair, and I said that I know and that I should have got it cut earlier. His son works with him in the barber shop.

I could not see me working in the same place as my father. I had to go through the awkward experiences of going to a school where my father teaches. My birthday is on January 19. I have to schedule my psychiatrist appointment for a diﬀerent date, for it was originally made for January 19. I have to renew my driver’s license, and this is not going to be fun. I probably have to go to some place to have my picture taken for it. I hope that I can keep this journal up; writing here is very important. I hope that I will finish my book so that I can get on to a new one, and I still have to use my Barnes and Noble gift certificate. I am kind of looking forward to going to the bookstore sometime though at this rate I will not be going for a while. I am not returning to Trinity College this semester. Well, now I have got to go. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she finds strength. Bye bye.

Friday, January 12 2001

The chronology on my journal was really messed up. I have been attacked by tons of obsessions this journal entry, but other than the obsessions just now today has been pretty good. Today has actually been excellent. I got to read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about an hour today, and I also was able to read some. My obsessions make it hard to get through the day, but I try. I did exercise today. I ran around the train station, and then I walked on the River Trail. I feel bad that I missed about five minutes at the beginning of this entry because of obsessions. Still, I am glad to be here.

My sister is not home, and she had an overnight last night. In Le Morte D’ Arthur Sir Tristram and Sir Palomides vow to joust. Yet I think that Sir Tristram got wounded with an arrow, so they had to cancel their joust. Now I am on the part where Sir Launcelot goes mad. There was a woman who pretended to be Queen Guenever. So Sir Launcelot sleeps with her, I guess, and then Queen Guenever finds out. She chastises Sir Launcelot, and he is stricken with grief because this same incident had happened once before. He jumps out the window half-naked and scrapes himself on some thorns. Right now he appears to be mad (as in insane).

It is good that I have not heard of King Mark lately because he is a traitorly king. Recently also Sir Launcelot has a boy from the pretty maiden whom he thought was Queen Guenever when they got together, so to speak. The boy is named Galahad, and I think that he is destined to be a great knight. I saw Dan Marchetti today on my run, and he was in the driveway and getting out of his car. He said “Hi” to me by name. The River Trail was really beautiful today; the river is frozen and has snow on it. The scene was full of God’s grace, and He is magnified in the beauty there. The trail itself was icy, and I slipped some though

I did not fall. I did not pass anyone on the trail. In all, I exercised for about a half hour today.

Last night, I watched the news and “Law and Order.” The news was boring and so was the show. There is nothing on the news except for news about rising oil prices and some worthless health stuﬀ. “Law and Order” is pretty boring. I listened to Shostakovich’s pretty good Fifth Symphony last night. My birthday is fast approaching, and I have been thinking a lot of asking for a stereo though I lack the courage to do so. I am probably going over to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I think that now I will talk about my walk on the River Trail.

The trail was really icy. I had to stick to the inside of the trail so that I would not slip though there were some stretches that were pure concrete. By that I mean that there was little ice on them. The weather was mild. I like walking, and I get tired even with walking. I am surprised that I did not see anyone on the River Trail today except in the distance. I hope that I can keep up my exercising.

I had many exciting dreams last night. I dreamt that my whole family had agreed that their souls would go to hell after they died. In return at night when everyone was asleep, they could travel the world by flying through the air like ghosts. They asked me if I wanted to do the same, and they said they would show me what it would be like. The tour, so to speak, would try to convince me to do what they had done. I had to decide, and I think that I decided against doing so. Well, I am oﬀ now. I will probably not be writing tomorrow because I will likely go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Bye bye.

Sunday, January 14 2001

Hi. I did not write yesterday because I was at Mamaw and Popee’s house. Today I was able to do some but not all of what I had planned on. I was able to walk for about a half hour and to read for about an hour. My walk was pretty good though I feel embarrassed walking on the River Trail. I do not feel embarrassed when I am jogging on the way there though. Yesterday I exercised, and that was about all. I tried reading, but I was only able to read for about ten minutes before my sister got home.

I am still reading Le Morte D’ Arthur though I might not read much more of it, for my obsessions have seemed to have infected my reading too. I will tell the reader in which way. I learned that Sir Thomas Malory may have translated some from a French book, so my obsessions are telling me that I cannot read it anymore. Therefore, I might start reading Nietzsche’s Human, All Too Human tomorrow if I get the chance. Of course extremely disappointed about this.

My walk was good today. There were some people on the River Trail today.

I passed by a nicely dressed couple. Still, they did not say “Hello.” I am writing this after dinner. For my run I wore my black Sport Hill pants. Today I also wore kind of hot gloves, which I do not think that I did yesterday. That is, my hands got hot. I have been lately attacked by many obsessions. They have not hitherto

been destructive, but today they showed that they can directly aﬀect at least what I am reading. I do not really know what to say tonight. I am at a loss, and perhaps that is because it is dark out.

I cannot see the trees and the snow. It is good that I did sleep well yesterday though the church bells woke me up a lot in the morning. Those bell recordings are sounded every hour in the morning. I hope that I can keep up my exercise. I do not know what I am going to do with the rest of this month. My sister is going to be home for the rest of the month. My birthday is coming up, and I guess that I should ask for some presents though I have not asked for presents yet. I guess that I could ask for some CDs and some speakers for my computer.

I need some new CDs to listen to, and they would sound nice on some new speakers. I guess that just asking for CDs would be proper. Therefore, I will ask for some Mozart CDs though I would like new speakers. I saw Mamaw and Popee yesterday, like I said. Popee and I played some ping-pong, and then we talked afterwards. He thinks that my situation and his are similar. He thinks that I should find a class to take lessons in journal writing. I told him that that would be a good idea if only there were some places to go in Windsor.

After going upstairs, Mamaw asked me how Popee played, and I said that he played well. Mamaw was interested because she wanted to know how his health was. She showed me some books in a bookcase and wondered if I wanted any of them. I had read most of them though. Mamaw brought in the book Treasure Island to Popee, and there was a message inscribed in pen which revealed that the book was a gift. I think that Popee received the gift for Christmas, and he got it in 1916, when he was ten years old. The book had illustrations in it, and I told Popee that Robert Louis Stevenson also wrote Kidnapped.

I feel bad about me possibly giving up in reading Le Morte D’ Arthur, for I really like the book and want to know how the books ends. Of course, I personally do not care where the author got some of his information from. My vicious obsessions are the only things that care. Well, I have got to go now. Bye bye.

Monday, January 15 2001

Hi. I feel kind of tired right now, and I might be coming down with a sickness. Today I read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about an hour and walked for about a half hour. When I was in bed last night, it was raining, so it was probably the early morning. I won over my obsessions at least temporarily and was able to read Le Morte D’ Arthur pretty well today, and I do like the book. Right now some of the knights of the Round Table are searching for the Holy Grail. This part reminds me of the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In this movie, Indiana searches for the Holy Grail. Sir Galahad, the son of Sir Launcelot, is

currently the best knight in the world, and Sir Launcelot had this honor before. Moreover, Sir Galahad is holier than Sir Launcelot. Sir Galahad drew a sword out of a floating piece of red marble, signifying him as the best knight. Sir Arthur is sad to see some of his knights of the Round Table leave him. I am getting along in the book, and I just hope that I can finish it. I had some trouble understanding the book today because of my obsessions.

On the River Trail today, I did not see anyone. That is because there was nobody on the trail. The trail had a thin layer of slush on it, but the slush did not have much dirt in it. My obsessions are always trying to bombard me. Snow still covers the ground. I think that today is Martin Luther King day. The Windsor Library is closed. Moreover, my mother does not go to work. My sister is helping her friend Laura babysit.

Last night I dreamt that through using my mind I was able to better the human race. I was able to make it more peaceful and more technologically advanced. A microcosm of the human race was in Westfarms, and as I helped them to advance, the surroundings became nicer and more futuristic. I was able to get rid of prejudice against blacks in one teenager, which signified that among the whole race I was able to get rid of prejudice. The scene got nicer and faces got smiles on them.

Well, I do not want to talk about my dreams too much. I even got kind of tired on my walk today. I walked a full loop around the River Trail. The river is covered in snow, and the trail was fun to walk on. There is still a lot of ice on the trail. I wore my Nike Air Max shoes, my Trinity College pants, my Loomis Chaﬀee maroon and black varsity jacket, and some gloves. I wonder when my sister will be home. My mother asked me what CDs I wanted for my birthday.

I told her that I wanted some Mozart concertos though I hope that she will get more than one CD. I feel kind of attacked by obsessions right now, and the feeling is uncomfortable. Well, I am almost through with my entry anyway. I remember when I used to use the word anyway to signal when I was disappointed that something did not go my way, and then I would say, “Well, anyway, I did not need that.” At least I think that that is the case. Yesterday I listened to a Chopin piano concerto, which was all right. Now I have got to go. Bye bye.

Wednesday, January 17 2001

Hello. Yesterday I did not do much. Today so far I walked on the River Trail. I had a good walk, and a nice lady said “Hi” to me. The Australian Open tennis tournament is going on, and I think that Andre Agassi is playing today. My obsessions have been really bad lately, for they are worse than ever.

Although I did not read or write yesterday, last night I went to the Windsor Library and to Arthur’s Drugstore. No, not King Arthur’s drugstore. Arthur must be just a guy.

At Arthur’s I bought some labels for my journal. On the labels I wrote two titles, one in Latin and one in Greek. I bought the labels to show that I did not approve much of my behavior for much of the last five years, and the labels will show the reader that. The titles have two words each, and they basically convey the message that I was mentally sick for much of the time. The guy who rang up

my labels was really tall, and I have seen him before around Windsor. My birthday is on Friday, and I am going over to Mamaw and Popee’s house for dinner. I think that the family will have some pizza from Bertucci’s. The woman whom I saw on the River Trail today had two nice dogs that were fun to watch.

The woman was walking right behind me on the trail, and then she veered oﬀ on a short side path. I did not see anyone else on the River Trail, which was icy in spots, but pretty much dry in others. My obsessions have really been, tough to deal with, and they have been getting to be pretty bad. I think that it does not help that I cannot seem to do any reading or writing. That makes me feel low. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, including the news and “Law and Order.” Everywhere on television these days, one sees and hears references to schizophrenia and people in mental hospitals. For example, yesterday there was shown a young woman in a solitary confinement room in the movie The Craft.

Also, on “Law and Order” the whole show was about a manic-depressive man, who ran a cult. I do not like how the mass media, as it is called, portrays people with mental illnesses.

God has been there for me through all the tough times lately, and I really owe Him big time for the support that I got. I see someone walking on the railroad tracks right now. Last night, I had a dream, and I woke up pretty much still in the dream. That is pretty scary. I dreamt that I was picked by the mob to be a big leader in their operations. If I did not take the job, my family might be killed by them. I found this out when I tried to get out of the job by telling them that I did not sleep very well at night, which is true in reality. Then they got mad at me for bringing that out then. Then I came up with a compromise, and I said that I would work at home for them in a really high-level position. I said that I would meet with them once a week, and the mobsters got all excited for me and for themselves. I had a tour of the many things that I would do and be in charge of. I would get luxury vacations and get to go to big political parties. Well, my time is up. The dream was pretty interesting, but it was scary too. Bye bye.

Thursday, January 25 2001

Hi. I am writing this entry despite the terrible obsessions that have been attacking me, and my obsessions lately have been worse than they have ever been. I know that it seems that I have not written for over a week, but in fact I wrote on Thursday and on Saturday. I had to delete them because of my obsessions, which have been very diﬃcult to deal with. I just hope that I do not

delete this entry. Today I went out and ran for about a half hour. This was very encouraging, and I feel happy about this.

The question is whether I can survive with these obsessions. I just do not know if I can do it. My obsession currently is really annoying. I am wondering whether this wood in the yard is a tree stump or is a piece of firewood. This has the potential for keeping me up all night. On Friday of last week I had my birthday. I wrote on the day before and the day after. Today I had tons of obsessions. I had to bring in a soccer ball into the garage because there were three soccer balls out there, and I cannot deal with the number three. The psychology of my obsessions is complicated as in the three instance.

I will never start reading at any time like 5:03 or 6:03. When there is the three alone on the clock, I cannot start anything then. I also still have this obsession that I have to give up reading Le Morte D’ Arthur after the seventeenth book because I do not know where Thomas Malory got the source for the eighteenth through twentieth books. Obviously, it does not matter where he got them, but my obsessions force me to think that it matters.

I liked my birthday very much, and I got some good presents. I got some Mozart CDs from my parents and a button-down shirt from Mamaw and Popee. My birthday party was great, as I told my grandparents. I laughed a lot when I was to blow out the candles. I had a chocolate cake. My obsessions really take over my day. For example, today I told myself that I could not wear a certain T- shirt running because at the neck it was worn and had little holes. I ran anyway, though, and the obsession did not bother me then. Like I said, after my run when I was tired, I had to put the soccer ball in the garage for fear that the obsession would cause mental distress if it were not remedied. This is the psychology behind me deleting entries. I feel that if I delete these entries, I do not have to worry about mental distress.

For example, I will feel that if I delete this entry, then I will not have to go outside and see if the wood is a tree trunk or firewood. If I do not delete this entry and the reader is reading this, then I probably will have gone outside and found out the nature of the wood. Yet maybe I should not go outside and check. Maybe I should be forceful and try not to give in to my obsessions. Maybe I should try reading Le Morte D’ Arthur all the way through, yet these terrible obsessions are really relentless and cannot go away by me wishing them away.

I want to read Le Morte D’ Arthur through and to write in my journal without having to delete the entries. Maybe I should just try to see what happens if I do not give in to them. I should see if I will sleep. Today I did read Le Morte D’ Arthur for an hour and ran for about a half hour. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to read and write for the normal amount. Well, I am about through with this entry. Nothing good can come of these obsessions, and I might have to suﬀer a bad night tonight before I can look at the wood though I probably can go out tonight and give the wood a tug to see what it is. Well, I am oﬀ. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, January 26 2001

I have not deleted the last entry. Ironically, it was an obsession that saved it. Well, today has not been easy because my obsessions are still bothering me and causing me mental stress. My sister is not home today, but I think that she will come home tomorrow. I did not sleep very well last night probably because of my obsessions. Today I ran for about a half hour, and I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to do this. Maybe I can run a lot after all though I do not run but jog. Still, I jogged at a respectable pace. Also, my ankle did not bother me. I read Le Morte D’ Arthur today too for about an hour and hope that I can eventually finish the book, and I do not have much left to read. I think that tomorrow I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. My sister gets home tomorrow. I have been reading Le Morte D’ Arthur for far too long.

I ran around the train station and down Broad Street, and I ran up the big Broad Street hill. There was still some ice on the sidewalks. Still, I was able to run God willing. I owe Him everything. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” Not much is happening in this country. I guess that people are talking about how the economy is not growing much anymore, and the price of natural gas is high. There is an electricity crisis in Cali. That is short for California. I wonder how Christine, who was my friend in elementary school, is doing in Arizona. She moved during those years. Today on my run, I passed an old man. I had seen him before on the River Trail, and he carries a cane and seems like he might have some character. I would never have guessed that I could run still, but good things still happen to me.

Le Morte D’ Arthur is pretty good. I have passed the point where the knights were searching for the Sangreal, or the Holy Grail, and some important knights died on the search. Now not much is happening, but the knights who are left are back with King Arthur at Camelot. There is a joust going on, and Sir Launcelot is actually against the king’s party. Sir Launcelot gets badly wounded. I think that Sir Bors along with two other knights hit Sir Launcelot at the same time, and he got injured though I think that he got rescued by a young knight who was accompanying him.

I saw James Bozzuto Monday. He asks me what book I am reading, what it is about, what sports I watch, how my family is, and if I ride my bike. I just hope that my obsessions are not going to keep me up tonight. I still am inclined to check on that wood outside. Last night I did check the wood, but then I noticed some more that I did not look at. The wood that I did look at seemed like a tree stump. Well, I have got to go now. Another obsession has just attacked me. Fare well, reader. Bye bye.

Sunday, January 28 2001

Hi. I slept poorly last night. Also, I think that my obsessions complicated things. I feel tired and kind of depressed right now. Today I could not read as much as I wanted to. I read for about fifty minutes and did not try for a run today, but instead walked on the nice River Trail. I saw an attractive young woman running on the River Trail, but she did not say anything to me. Yesterday, I saw Mamaw and Popee. I was able to run yesterday, but that is about it. I ran for about a half hour, and I kept up a pretty decent pace. I ran pretty well, and it is very encouraging that by any standard I was doing a respectable jog. I flipped through the Trinity College magazine. Also, I played my trumpet last night for about a half hour. I regret playing the trumpet, though, for I want to concentrate on reading and writing.

I played pretty well though, and my confidence in my academic ability is somewhat higher because of the encouraging signs yesterday. Today I also watched television, and I saw the terrible movie Prince of Tides, which was horrible because of some bad romance. Still, that was better than the other things that were on. I feel overtired right now. My obsessions are still annoying. Today my sister went back to college, and I wonder how long she will stay till she gets home. I do not know if I will be able to do a full entry today. I have not split up my day so far as I would like, so I do not know if I will feel like writing at this moment. I meant to write after dinner, and I am writing now in the afternoon. I feel awfully tired, and my obsessions do not help at all.

I am getting well along in Le Morte D’ Arthur, and I will probably finish it this coming week sometime. Then the Nietzsche book is next, and I hope that I will be able to understand it. There is all this big hoopla in television land about the Super Bowl, which is a football game. I could care less about the Super Bowl. Tonight I guess that I just will watch a lot of television since there is nothing else to do. My obsessions might just keep me up nights as they have been lately. Last night I slept terribly, and I could not sleep in the morning because my sister was up and about in getting ready for Wheaton College. I have this terrible book called The Oﬃcial Preppy Handbook, and in it Wheaton College is mentioned as one of the top preppy colleges. I hope that she does well this year there. Tonight I guess that I will watch whatever is on, and maybe some good movie will be on. Last night I saw the movie Guarding Tess. I saw Mamaw and Popee yesterday.

Popee asked me what I was reading, and whether I liked the book.

Mamaw oﬀered me some cantaloupe. I feel awfully tired right now, and I am happy that I can write a full entry today. I had a nice walk. There is a German shepherd dog in the dog pound that barks at me whenever I run by it, and it seems like a really nice dog. If I had a dog, I would like one like that one. Today he or she barked a lot at me, but didn’t do a mean bark. The big football game is probably on now. I do not see what all the hoopla is about. I do not get my kicks by watching football. Andre Agassi won the Australian Open, and I was hoping that he would win it. Well, I have got to go decent reader. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, January 30 2001

Yesterday I had my appointment with the psychiatrist. The appointment did not go very well, for he prescribed some anxiety medicine for me. I obviously do not want to take the stuﬀ, which is called something like Ativan. I remember that in the mental hospital a patient was taking that, and she did not look too good. I do not want to take any more medicine. The psychiatrist does not know what he is doing really. Right now I wanted to be outside walking, but it is raining hard outside. Since it is “a hard rain gonna fall,” I cannot walk.

Miraculously, the tree outside my window still has some leaves on it, and I had not noticed that until now. I really do not want to take that Ativan.

Right now it is raining out, and I do not think that I will be able to walk today. I am at the very end of Le Morte D’ Arthur, and I should finish the book tomorrow. There was a war between King Arthur and Sir Launcelot, but now the pope has stopped it. If the war was not stopped, I do not know who would have won the battle. Sir Launcelot and his men were besieged by King Arthur in the castle called Joyous Gard. The battle, like the battle in the Iliad by Homer, was over a girl, Queen Guenever.

Sir Launcelot and King Arthur had been close friends. When Sir Launcelot had rescued Queen Guenever from being burned alive, he killed Sir Gawaine’s kin Sir Gaheris and Sir Gareth. He did not recognize those men whom he killed, but just thought they were random soldiers helping to hold Queen Guenever by the pyre. Sir Gawaine was wroth out of measure, as the book that I am reading might say. During the battle Sir Gawaine spurred King Arthur on to keep fighting though King Arthur would have stopped the battle. The book, like I had mentioned, is almost finished. I know that King Arthur gets killed in the end.

I do not know what I am going to do this afternoon without my exercise. I suppose that I will just watch television a lot though I do not really like watching television a lot. Last night I watched a lot of television. I have been listening to music every night, and last night I listened to some Vivaldi flute concertos though I was somewhat dismayed by them for some reason. I mean that I liked the seven Vivaldi flute concertos much better the first time that I heard them.

Yesterday I read for about and hour and ran for about a half hour. I ran after dinner when it was almost totally dark. It is quite encouraging that I was able to run for a full half hour. Today when I woke up, I kind of stumbled, and I think that as a result I pulled some muscle in my left foot. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Le Morte D’ Arthur for about a half hour. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order,” which is diﬃcult to follow. I do not know why I waste time in watching the dumb show.

There is not much going on in the news except for this terrible earthquake that hit India. Some people in India are in for hard times. There is still snow on

the ground, and it is not just a small patch of snow either. The ground is totally covered, and there is about four inches on the ground. I was taught at Loomis Chaﬀee not to start my sentences with and or but, and obviously I have followed the rule. At Trinity College I was taught to write indirect statements properly by putting a that in front of the word think. So, these rules have sort of plagued my writing, yet have given my writing some form, which is not such a bad thing. I wonder if my writing would be better if I were looser in my statements. Well, I have got to go now. I wish the reader fair tidings. I hope that I will be able to read some more today. Bye bye.

Wednesday, January 31 2001

Hi. Today I finished Le Morte D’ Arthur, which ended with the deaths of Sir Launcelot, King Arthur, Sir Gawaine, and Queen Guenever. King Arthur died from a blow from Sir Mordred. I feel kind of tired now after my run, and I actually was able to run today for about a half hour. Only God could have allowed me to do this. God willing, I was able to run. Today I read for about an hour and ran for about a half hour. I am glad that I finished the book. After King Arthur died, Sir Launcelot and some of his fellows become monks in a chapel with a hermit. Sir Launcelot could not take the death of Queen Guenever, though, and when she died, he ate and drank little.

He wasted away and then died. I think that King Arthur and Queen Guenever were buried together. On his deathbed, Sir Gawaine wrote a letter to Sir Launcelot that brought peace between them. Sir Gawaine had gotten King Arthur to wage war against Sir Launcelot, but in the end Sir Gawaine makes peace between them. Sir Launcelot had made the final death blow to Sir Gawaine in battle. I am kind of melancholy that the book is through. For the end, the author calls himself a knight and says that he completed the book in some Roman numeral that I think is the year 1485.

I had a good run today. Some parts of the sidewalks are slippery. One part was all slush and water, and I did not really want to run over it though I had to.

For the most part, though, I did not have much trouble running. When I was running it was raining out. Snow still covers the ground. Last night, I read for about a half hour. On my run, I ran right into a puddle. I usually do not do this with my new shoes. I ran around the train station and down past the dog pound. I passed a girl and a boy who looked to be of high school age. The rain was not falling very hard on my run though. The boy wore some baggy jeans.

There is a television show that is called “Fashion Emergency.” I am having an emergency and need some auxilium, which is Latin for aid. I had no real pants to wear today, and I am wearing blue jeans that are girlish. I had no choice but to wear these jeans, which are way too blue for a guy to wear. I also have used up all my good socks, so I am sockless and pantless. Yesterday I watched a lot of television, and I saw the news and “Law and Order.” Since I was not able to run

yesterday because it was raining, I played my trumpet for about a half hour. I do not nearly possess the same desire to play the trumpet as I used to. I am more into academics right now.

My obsessions are still with me, but I have actually slept pretty well lately. My obsessions thus have not taken complete control of my life. For my run today, I wore my Loomis Chaﬀee varsity jacket, my Sport Hill blue running pants, and my Nike Air Max running shoes. I would like a new jacket, though, for I would like to save the Loomis Chaﬀee jacket for later times. I saw some people on my run today. I saw a kid getting back from school. Running down Broad Street is so boring, though, for there are no nature sights. I guess that it is what might be called ironically urban sprawl in suburbia. The streets, street signs, cars, and boring houses contribute to this mess. They contribute to a Gatsby-like growing of uniformity in America. Well, I should probably stop talking now about boring things. And I do have the River Trail, which comes in handy for taking walks on. I look forward to the spring, when I will be able to ride my bike on the River Trail.

My obsessions really are quite annoying. One thing that is also pretty annoying is that I sleep so long, and I have such a problem waking up in the morning. I cannot seem to get up earlier than ten o’ clock, but I would like to. I hope that I will be able to read for about a half hour tonight. I start Nietzsche’s Human, All Too Human tonight. At least I think that I will start the book tonight other than some other book. Well, now is time to go. I hope that the reader still finds time to read my journal entries because I might have a good month ahead. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, February 1 2001

Today I read Nietzsche for about an hour and ran for about a half hour. I feel kind of tired right now. I am tired from my run. I do not like that Nietzsche is such a pessimist. He is smart, but some of his ideas are useless. I do not remember any dreams from last night. I usually remember one or two dreams though I remember one now. The dream that I had was surreal. Today was not as cold as it had been. I did not wear my Loomis Chaﬀee varsity jacket, but wore a green sweatshirt instead. I wonder when the River Trail will be runnable. That word runnable is one that I made up. I feel more tired than I would like right now. My obsessions are still quite annoying, and I think that they contributed to my poor sleeping last night. Well, I did not really sleep poorly, yet I would have liked to have had more sleep and less turning over trying to get some sleep. During the night I would get up and have problems getting back to sleep.

My book is pretty fun to read. Nietzsche has no sense of the good things in life. He is a pessimist, but I can easily become a pessimist too if the dog starts barking. Nietzsche has read up on the philosophers. Nietzsche is a philosopher. His ideas are diﬀerent though I do not think that they are as revolutionary as he

thinks that they are. I admire his intellect though. James Bozzuto said that the Nazis liked Nietzsche though who knows if this is true.

Nietzsche was German, but he states often that he does not like the Germans. I hate Nazis, as Indiana Jones might say. He says that he hates Nazis in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but I am drifting. I saw a bunch of kids at the train station today, and I wonder what they were all doing. I guess that they were waiting for a train to come. I apologize for my poor sentence structure in the last two sentences.

Last night, I listened to some Antonio Vivaldi concertos. I really liked them a lot, and I really like Mozart as well. I have come to like Prokofiev too with his Russian piano concerto masterpieces. I think that running took a lot out of me today, for I feel awfully tired right now. I will probably try running tomorrow, but eventually I will take a break and walk for a change for a day. I had a break a couple days ago when I think that it was raining. Nietzsche’s Human, All Too Human is pessimistic but brilliant. Nietzsche is trying to rip down religion and to reveal it as human error. He thinks that to understand mankind, one has to take into account its history.

Nietzsche thinks that humans can make progress but that they must make a fresh start out of the phase of, say, primeval men. I do not know what to say about that. He thinks that those of tradition will not easily give in to progress and will not think that a fresh start can be made. Nietzsche says that free spirits are of his own invention and that they do not really exist though he narcissistically adds that in the future they may come about. The subtitle to the book is A Book For Free Spirits. Well, I have to go now. I know that this discussion on Nietzsche was poor, but I had been kind of bothered by the beeping of my computer when the time came during the end of my entry. For now, I am oﬀ. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, February 2 2001

Hi. So, I have finished a successful week. Today I exercised for about a half hour, walking for about twenty minutes and running for a total of about ten minutes. Today I also read for about an hour. I decided to walk because I felt physically tired from my two previous runs. I am still reading Nietzsche even though I tried starting Gide’s journals. I just did not have the heart to start a diﬀerent book. I had wanted to start a diﬀerent book because I felt that Nietzsche was too pessimistic though I guess that I will stick with Nietzsche. Then when I finish that book I can go to the bookstore. I hope that I will be able to read this month all right.

I probably am going to see Mamaw and Popee tomorrow, and I do look forward to seeing them. I walked on the River Trail today, and it is clear enough for biking now. I will probably do a lot of biking from now on, and I hope that I will be able to bike tomorrow. Biking is in between walking and running in

diﬃculty for me and probably for many other people though some people might have trouble biking. Snow still covers the ground. The River Trail is clear, and I likely will go biking tomorrow if I get home in time. If it is still light enough when I get home, I will probably go out.

Today on my walk, I noticed that not only was the ice not on the trail much but that the river was thawing. The river has patches of water on it. Still, most of the river is still from the ice. I only passed one person on the River Trail, when I first got on the trail. There was a lady with a black dog. The River Trail is quite picturesque this time of year. Snow still covers the ground there, and the brown trees are bare. The place where the trail is now used to be a forest by the river.

I walked one loop of the River Trail today. I ran to and from the trail, and I did not pass any walking people on my run. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” There is not much on television that is good these days, especially in the afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon I saw the worst shows on television. Anyway, I am reading this atheist Nietzsche. His ideas are quite unique, but they come from a tormented mind. He is essentially a nihilist. Nietzsche thinks that sin and virtue are wrong. He does not believe in them, and hence he does not believe in evil or good. Maybe he is a Buddhist, yet I will not call him one. I know nothing about Buddhism. He thinks that there is a lack of psychological observation in modern times. He thinks that psychological observation can bring people together though I think that he also says that it could be damaging. He does not think that just because there are no virtues one must be a bad person. He thinks that a person has to still be kind. He thinks that cruel people are not to be blamed for their cruelty but that they are essentially men who are from earlier times. So, I guess that cruel men just have an arrested development like cavemen. Nietzsche calls these men retarded.

My obsessions still do bother me, and I have them all the time. I am supposed to take this terrible medicine called something like Ativan by Wednesday. I honestly do not think that it will help me much at all. I think that it is bad news. Tonight I hope that I will be able to read Nietzsche for about a half hour. I do not know if I do enough academics in my schedule, and maybe adding a half hour on my writing time might help. Still, I think that the stuﬀ that I am doing now is all right. Well, I am almost through writing now. Writing for a half hour for about five times per week is pretty decent. I hope that the snow stays on the ground so that the dog cannot go outside. I want Cerberus to stay inside. Now I am oﬀ. I wish the reader good tidings in his or her life. Farewell, fair knight or knightess. Bye bye.

Sunday, February 4 2001

Hi. What’s up? It seems unfortunate that yesterday I was not able to do much work at all. I feel tired right now, and it seems like lately I feel tired all of

the time. I went for a walk today, and I passed a lot of people on the River Trail. Today I think that I read for about fifty-five minutes. I had forgotten when I started, so I think that I had to finish somewhat earlier. The Nietzsche book is all right, and I like the unique ideas in the book though it still seems pessimistic to me. My walk today was all right. I passed two dogs that looked almost exactly the same, but they had diﬀerent owners. I saw them at diﬀerent points on the trail. The dogs looked like pit bulls. I passed an elderly lady and a young man walking together, and I think that the lady works or worked at the Loomis Chaﬀee library. I feel awfully tired right now.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Popee and I played three games of ping-pong. I also talked to him some, but he can be diﬃcult to understand sometimes. I also actually got to talk to Mamaw, and she said that listening some to a book on tape was interesting. I think that the subject was religion. I had fun looking over some Star Wars figures at their house, and Mamaw thinks that they might be worth something now. I had them when I was little. They might be worth about five or ten dollars each, but I have no idea how much they are worth. Tomorrow I think that I will start my biking again, for I get a better workout biking than walking. Last night I had a terrible time here, for I had no socks on tap for today. So I had to get my mom to wash some socks.

Yesterday I visited my grandparents, and I had two slices of chocolate cake that Mamaw bought. Obviously, I am glad that I went yesterday. Popee was listening to the really loud television, and Mamaw eventually turned it down.

Mamaw said that she has not been reading much lately, and I think that she said that she wanted to get back into it. She said that she likes to read in the afternoon, not at night. Snow still covers the ground. Last night I watched the movie Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves, but it is kind of empty of meaning. Still, it was better than the other stuﬀ on.

Nietzsche is a pretty decent writer. He forecasted that in a few thousand years man would do away with Christianity and thus with the belief in free will. He thinks that if someone was all-wise, then he would know everything that would happen at every time. Nietzsche is crazy in this way. I believe that there is free will. He believes that evil people are innocent and that they are merely acting for their own benefit or pleasure. I do not think that he believes in the essential validity of virtue, and I think that he thinks that virtue is a human error. He also does not think that suicide is necessarily wrong. Nietzsche sides with the Greeks on many issues, and so disagrees with Christians on the same issues.

Well, I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Monday, February 5 2001

Hi. How do you do? Today I am snowed in. The snow is coming down hard now, and I am just afraid that I am going to be kept up tonight. I am in the middle of a major snowstorm. I hope that I will be able to write a full entry

tonight though I might be disturbed by trucks. I think that they are called snowplows, but I am unsure of the spelling. Today I read for about fifty minutes, and I got interrupted by some truck. I am writing this entry after dinner. I have had two spectacular dinners in a row the past couple days. My obsessions are still with me.

Like I was told by the mass media for a hurricane about ten years ago, so the case applies tonight that I “hope for the best and prepare for the worst.” Tonight I probably am going to be kept up by the snowplows, and I am likely going to have a long night. Snow is blanketing the landscape. All is white, and though it is supposed to be dark out now, the sheer amount of snow makes everything appear in an eerie and exciting light. I can plainly see the trees and the snow on the trees and the ground.

Today I went to the library to bring back my CDs, and I got some new ones too. I could not find much of interest at the library. I was desperate enough to get some Beethoven, who is too depressing for me, though I got a good Mozart CD. I took it easy on the reading today because I went to the library. At the library I surprisingly looked through their entire classical-music section, but I found little there of interest. I might need to broaden the scale of composers.

There was Sibelius, Shostakovich, piano works by Satie, a couple symphonies of Bruckner, guitar music by someone like Rodrigo, and some of the normal CDs, like Bach, Vivaldi, and Haydn. I am interested in listening to Richard Wagner, who influenced Goethe, but I could only detect a short piece by him at the Windsor Library. So, I might need to settle or move on to some other composers. Who knows, maybe I will find a lesser known composer that I will like.

Nietzsche is still quite pessimistic. I tend to disagree with his thinking that paganism in Greece and Rome was better than Christianity. Anyway, he does not like ascetics and priests, especially ascetics. He thinks that ascetics brutalize and tyrannize over themselves. I would consider myself an ascetic, so I disagree with him again on that point. I disagree with him on nearly everything in relation to religion, except for his interest in Greek mythology or religion. Nietzsche has read all of the authors whom I have read (well, not all exactly but still authors whom I am well acquainted with, such Goethe, Cervantes, Plato, and Kant). I am looking forward to getting some new books at the bookstore when I finish Nietzsche. Anyway, Nietzsche really criticizes the life of the ascetics.

He thinks that Christianity and going to church inspires fear into people and makes them revere the ascetics, which he thinks is wrong. I personally do not go to church, but I have many of my beliefs that happen to correspond generally to the beliefs of Christians. I feel right now kind of sad that Nietzsche did not use his great intellect to write more positive things, and he could have been a fine ascetic. Nietzsche wrote in a great time really. The age of Romanticism was upon him in literature and music. He thought that it was possible far into the future for a brighter world, but that was in his terms. He thought that a brighter world would be without Christianity. Well, there is no

way there will be a better world. I do not believe that the world can improve at all but that it will continue to deteriorate unless something changes the tides of destructive technology.

I am about ready to throw in the towel now, for my time is just about up. I am glad that I got to write tonight, and I hope that tomorrow I will be able to read more than I did today. Now I am oﬀ. I wish the reader well. Tonight I guess that I will watch a lot of television and also listen to music. Bye bye.

Tuesday, February 6 2001

Hi. I had a pretty short run today. The snowstorm left tons of snow in its wake. I feel kind of tired as always. So, as I was saying, there was snow on the sidewalks, but the streets were not that bad from the snowstorm. I did not run long though. Today I had to cut my reading short from the snowplow outside. So, I only ended up reading for about fifty minutes. Everything has been cut short. I feel awfully tired. I slept entirely too long last night. Therefore, my body feels tired. I wish I could be awake more. I saw a lot of people on my run today, and I am kind of glad that I saw them. Tomorrow I will not be able to write because I have a psychiatrist appointment. He wants me to take Ativan, but I do not want to.

Ativan, smatavan. God willing, I still have my health. He has given me health. The doctor seems to try to help me, but he cannot. His idea of a cure to my illness is Ativan. I cannot live with that. Boy, my body feels tired. On my run today my body felt like a million pounds. I felt so tired, like I was turned a block of stone by Medusa, and like a clay Gumby figure. I just felt so unathletic and even kind of guilty for the speed I went. Today I read Human, All Too Human, which is poor to say the least. I do not know why I read the book, but it must be some masochistic thing because I do not agree with any of what Nietzsche talks about. Last night after I wrote in my journal, I watched television and listened to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who, I think, was a smarty pants.

Now I should talk about the book that I am reading. Nietzsche is writing about the arts, about geniuses, and about how people look up to them. He thinks that the people form a cult around geniuses. They think that they are supra human, as Nietzsche says. Now all the people probably do not think that they are supra human or form a cult around them though. Anyway, Nietzsche seems to indicate that Shakespeare was a genius.

I do not think that he was. Although Nietzsche thinks that Beethoven was a genius, I also disagree here. Anyway, he thinks that some people think that geniuses have some divine power in them. Nietzsche talks about many great men from ancient times to the modern times. I think that it is a shame that people have only a select few authors, like Homer and Aeschylus for example, to pick from for reading. There must have been many other great authors, but they

were never published. Many ancient authors have been published, but many more probably had their work lost forever.

Tomorrow is going to be tough. The psychiatrist is going to ask me why I did not take the Ativan. I must trust to God that He will take me through my tough times tomorrow and on other scary days. Well, I am about through with my entry for today. I do not think that I will write tomorrow. Tonight I will probably read for about a half hour among other things that I will do. There is actually enough stuﬀ in the house to eat. Well, I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Thursday, February 8 2001

Yo, what up? I be in tha house right now. What a strange beginning to a journal entry. Today I read for about fifty-five minutes, ran for about fifteen minutes, and walked for about fifteen minutes. Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist appointment, and now I have an appointment for this Monday. I do not want to go to the appointment, and I might not. Yesterday the psychiatrist asked me tons of questions as usual, and I had to divulge the intimate parts of my life. My not liking doing this to a total stranger might be why I am kind of depressed over it right now. I did not want to go to the appointment yesterday, but I forced myself to go.

Yesterday, I read Nietzsche for about an hour and ran for about a half hour.

I really think that life might be better without my appointments; I just have a hard time dealing with them; one has to totally divulge all of one’s life. The problem is that James Bozzuto did not tell me much of anything about himself. There were two good points from yesterday when he ventured to say that Nietzsche could be a nihilist and when he seemed pleasantly surprised when I told him that I went to the library sometimes. Those were the only good things that I remember.

Well, I am getting along in the Nietzsche book. I do not agree with his philosophy, but I cannot argue the originality of his ideas. I told James Bozzuto yesterday that I thought that Nietzsche was negative. I remember telling Popee that I liked his writing but that I did not like his personality. Nietzsche is talking about culture at the moment. The book is a series of paragraphs about diﬀerent topics. There are chapter titles that provide the general subject matter for each individual chapter.

Nietzsche ventured a guess that human evolution could work in a strange way. In this guess, he thinks that humans might have come from apes but that mankind might return to the same apelike state. I agree with this, and I think that humans already have been retarded, to use a word that Nietzsche likes, to an apelike state with the advent of the Internet. There is nothing more apelike than a person sitting in front of the computer all day. I do not see much hope for mankind unless something changes, which can be possible. I mean that change can occur, but it would have to come from some good source.

Today on my run/walk, I passed a police car among other things. I passed a guy too. I ran around the train station and then walked down a populated street. The snow started to fall more heavily on my time outside, and now the snow is coming down very hard. I did not get too tired out from my exercise today. I walked on the side of the street. I wore my Sport Hill tights, which make me look like an English king. They are not really that tight, but they are not by any means baggy. I had a good day of exercising.

I have been having a lot of dreams lately as always. Last night, I dreamt that I had to save mankind from aliens. This is a usual dream from me. I dreamt that the aliens were letting some Loomis Chaﬀee kids live, but the kids had to sacrifice other humans to appease the aliens. I thought that this arrangement was terrible, and I sought to make it right. I did not think that one group should live, while another should die. I was not content to be with the Loomis Chaﬀee group, which was living in a huge area with really nice furnishings. Maybe because of this, one kid said that he wanted to sacrifice me.

So, I got thrown in with those people who were to be sacrificed. At least I knew that I had to chance to directly kill the aliens and to also stop the false aristocracy of the Loomis Chaﬀee kids. The aliens put the humans on a ramp, which went up into some kind of killing machine. I planned on getting among the people and finding a way to kill the aliens without just brute strength, which I did not have much of. The dream ended with me at the killing machine. I did not die, but I also did not think of a way to kill the aliens then and there. The dream unusually ended in limbo. Well, I have got to go now. Bye bye.

Friday, February 9 2001

Hi. Boy, I had a tough day for exercise. I had no energy, and just to walk was quite diﬃcult. I basically got exhausted in the about thirty minutes that I was out for, and I could barely move. I feel better now though I still feel kind of tired. Today I read Nietzsche for about an hour, and boy did that get boring. The book started out all right, but then I got to a new chapter, where some paragraphs stating a diﬀerent idea were only one sentence long. Well, do not listen to that last sentence because it is terrible grammatically. The paragraphs were too short is what I am trying to say. There was no connection of thought, and I got ticked oﬀ at that.

I do not know why Nietzsche did that. He should have stuck to the longer paragraphs where at least one can get a gist of what he is trying to say. Without God, I would never have been able to have even gone out today. His grace really helps. There is still snow covering the ground. Today it was raining, but now I think that it has stopped. In any case, I do not think that it was raining even on my run.

I am kind of unhappy with my book especially now since I do not understand it much. The maxims are too short. One cannot understand maxims

or aphorisms or whatever they are called when they are one sentence long. Well, at least some of my reading today was understandable, when I was reading the chapter on culture. This new chapter entitled man in society has the damaging one-liners, which are boring. In the culture chapter he talks about higher and lower culture, and how people need to be individuals and have idle time. He thinks that people should have two thirds of their own time devoting the rest to the necessary social intercourse of working. He probably thinks that more than that would be even more desirable.

Nietzsche thinks that it takes a weak individual in a strong society to cause change and indeed progress. He thinks that a weak man compensates for his weakness by finding strength in a certain area. Yet he seems to contradict his fondness for weakness when he chastises Christianity for having had Jesus Christ put on the cross. He thinks that Jesus was all for the weak, but Nietzsche disagrees with Christianity. I guess that I am fuzzy on this point and on other points maybe for good reason because Nietzsche can be unclear sometimes.

I cannot stress enough how tiring my exercise was today. I felt like I was walking in a trance, and I was walking really slowly. The medicine is at fault. If I was oﬀ of it, instead of me walking so slowly I could be running swiftly, yet I must be glad for what I can do. The houses that I passed were all pretty much the same-looking, except for them having diﬀerent colors, and they were all pretty small like my house. I was not able to walk very far because of my exhaustion.

Yesterday at night, my obsessions were pretty bad, and I had to get up and then sit down a number of times on the sofa in addition to the normal obsessions.

Nietzsche is quite negative in many things. He is an atheist and is negative about social discourse. Nietzsche always writes as if he is a prophet, proposing what might be in the future and discoursing on what happened in the ancient times. He thinks of society in terms of its decay and evolution. For example, he thinks that French literature evolved from Greek writing. And in turn he thinks that all modern writing has decayed to its beginnings from being too multicultural. Nietzsche thinks that at least the French had some strict methods for writing. Well, I have gone over my time limit. I have got to go. Bye bye.

Sunday, February 11 2001

Hi. I have reached a point of no return; my psychotic thoughts have brought me to the brink. I have had enough of them, and I do not want them anymore. I have had them for the past year or so, and I was able to deal with them before. Yet now I have had enough of them, and I want to eventually totally bid them farewell. My beliefs have been really crazy, and I have had them the entire time. They rule my whole life. I do not want this to be the case, for I want to be healthy. Maybe I will be able to get rid of these thoughts. Will I be able to get rid of these thoughts?

The thoughts have ruled my every thought for the past year, and I am heading towards psychosis, no doubt, unless I do something to counteract these thoughts. The thoughts are terrible and wondrous, and I think that it is the case that there is one Greek word for both adjectives I have let my journal languish because of the thoughts, and I have got to try to write for a full hour from now on though writing for a full hour is not as important as getting rid of my psychotic thoughts.

I have not been able to get rid of them yet, but maybe I can be successful if I talk to my parents. I just want to be able to go back to college. I want to return to Trinity College. I cannot live with my psychotic thoughts. My obsessions have not gone away, and they compounded the problem. Right now it is pretty dark out. I am writing this after dinner. I have decided to take up the task of getting rid of my psychotic thoughts tonight. I have been thinking about the diﬃculty of living with these thoughts ever since I got home from Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday.

If I do write for an hour for my journal entries from now on, maybe I should also not look at the computer screen as I do now. I mean maybe I should write the way that I used to do. I think that it would have been only a matter of time that I would have gotten psychotic again if I kept up thinking these psychotic thoughts, which are complex and intricate. Today I read Nietzsche for about fifty minutes, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. The sidewalks are pretty clear now. My tires are kind of flat. I am glad that I was able to ride my bike today. I think that I will experience a big relief when I discover that I might be able to be without the thoughts, but I do not know if this is possible. I am being unclear though. I will feel a great deal of relief if I am able to live without these psychotic thoughts.

I think that I will feel a great deal of relief if this happens. I hope that I will be able to get rid of these thoughts by just trying not to believe them, and if that fails to talk the feelings through. My parents probably will be for me in this. If I do continue to write in my journal, then I probably should write for about an hour each time. I do not want to get psychotic again, and I should do everything possible to get healthy. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the psychiatrist, but there is no way that I am going to go to that.

I am going to rest up tomorrow in trying to fight my psychotic thoughts. Although I never have spoken of these thoughts much in my journal, they have been there behind the scenes the entire time. The thoughts I did not want to write in my journal. If I had wrote all that I was thinking during the day, one would probably call me an active paranoid schizophrenic. My dosage would probably be increased. So, I am going to embark on a path that I have gone on before and that has in the past year not prevailed, yet I have a feeling that with determination and courage, I might be able to beat my psychotic thoughts this time.

I think that the struggle might be diﬃcult, but I have got to at least try to defeat the psychotic thoughts. I cannot predict where the future will take me, but hopefully I will find that there will be something out there for me. Well, I am about through writing now. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader stays with me. The future certainly cannot be predicted from this point in time. Bye bye.

Monday, February 12 2001

Hi. I am still struggling to get rid of my disturbing psychotic thoughts. They have been with me for about a year now, and it will be hard to get rid of them entirely. I did sleep well last night. Today I read Nietzsche for about fifty- five minutes. His book was kind of boring. I got a bad headache last night, and I had it pretty much all night long. I do not know if I will ever get over these psychotic thoughts, which are so ingrained in my psyche. I feel kind of strange right now.

I do not want to get psychotic again, that is for sure. Last night I watched a strange, scary movie, and I should not have watched the dumb thing. The movie was on television. I had some dreams last night. Today I plan on writing for only about a half hour, but maybe I can up that later. I had a psychiatrist appointment today, but, obviously, I did not go. I do not feel much like exercising today. I still have a vestige of a headache. I do not know if I will ever get over these thoughts, but I certainly will try. Who knows whether my obsessions are going to get worse. Maybe they will be more manageable if I can get rid of my obsessions.

I wonder how my sister is doing at college, and if I can return to college. I hope that I will be able to return to college, for Trinity College is a great place to be. I should probably call Mary Thomas about returning within the next two months. My journal might be suﬀering because I have been writing for only a half hour. I have been thinking about going out to the bookstore tonight though I do not know if I will. I was thinking about going to the bookstore in West Hartford, where there are also some CDs. I would like to get a Richard Wagner CD. Anyway, I might stay in instead. I am glad that I did not go to my appointment today. Even if I was feeling well, I probably would not have gone to it. I would kind of like to drive alone in the car to West Hartford though I do not feel well enough to drive myself.

Anyway, I do not know if I am going to be able to rid myself of psychotic thoughts though I certainly hope that I can. My obsessions are just as annoying as my psychotic thoughts, and they prevent me from having much freedom.

These obsessions play a big part in my life, a bigger part than I would like. Snow still covers the ground.

I would like to go for a bike ride today, but I do not know if I am ready yet. My bike ride yesterday went well. My dreams are really spectacular, and I love them. I do not know if I will go to the bookstore tonight, and I might just stay

inside. I do not know if I can successfully get rid of my psychotic thoughts. Maybe if I spoke more, things would improve for me. I want to return to Trinity College schizophrenia or no. Last night I looked through some Loomis Chaﬀee comments. They were all right, but nothing spectacular. The ideal appointment would be next Wednesday. The Nietzsche book is coming along, and I am about halfway through with it. The book is kind of boring, and some parts do not make much sense. Well, I am going to conclude my entry now. I hope that the reader is doing well. Bye bye.

Tuesday, February 13 2001

Hi. I had a terrible bike ride today. I had to dodge puddles left and right, and it took a lot out of me. Last night, I went to the bookstore. I told my mom that I wanted to get over my psychotic thoughts. She said that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I think that she said that scientists have found the faulty gene. I had told her that my thoughts were embarrassing, and she said that I should not be embarrassed. I certainly hope that I do not get psychotic again. My bike ride today was such a disaster that it is almost funny. I had to dodge those puddles, but I kept going because I wanted to get some exercise and fresh air. I got some books by Plato, Virginia Woolf, Machiavelli, and Nietzsche last night. I pumped up my bike tires this afternoon. My psychosis is hard to discuss even to my journal though I guess that I could write about my dreams.

Writing them might show some insight into my psychosis for the reader.

Lately, I dreamt that I was in the “Old” dining hall at Loomis Chaﬀee and that I was teaching a class on communication. I told them that the language that I was teaching them would later be used in communication with aliens. They were surprised. I was teaching them in the far future, and I was still alive for reasons that I still find hard to discuss because that might reveal my secrets. I told the class that there would be a UFO coming to Loomis Chaﬀee in the near future. Then the dream flashed to where I was in the quad, and I saw something come from the sky.

The thing was a UFO, and it looked like a plate. The UFO skipped over me, nearly hitting me. There was a small object that I had to test to determine if the aliens would be hostile to the planet. The object was like a miniature of the big UFO, and I had to test it for the safety of the world. I brought it to the testing ground, which was specially prepared for this. I was to throw the object into a tunnel, and then I would be able to see what was inside. To get to the tunnel, I flew up above Loomis Chaﬀee. The huge Loomis Chaﬀee of the future was like a huge futuristic town, and I was responsible for its safety.

The dorms were gigantic modern structures, and by one dorm I could see a huge swimming pool with several beach umbrellas to keep out the sun during the day. I was soaring over Loomis Chaﬀee at night. I got to the building where the tunnel was, but I could not find it. I knew that I did not have much power left

and that the dream was going to end. I had to hurry or else the contents of the UFO would come out without me testing them. Without my verdict on the UFO, the people could be in danger. Therefore, I knew that I had to do something, and I threw the small plate-like UFO. Then the dream ended in doubt.

My psychosis is quite complex and does often reflect itself in dreams, and it is so personal that even now I feel loath to mention the specifics. Nietzsche got better today though I think that it will get worse when I get to the next section.

The part that I am reading now is about justice and convictions, and it is kind of complex. The book Human, All Too Human is kind of dry, as are many philosophy books. Last night, I did not look much at CDs though I had planned on looking at them. I spent too long looking at books, so I did not look at the CDs. My psychosis is so strong that it still has a seductive hold on me as I speak though not as strong. I saw an attractive young woman running today, and she was wearing nice clothes. I think that she was in her twenties or thirties. Snow still covers the ground. I entertained ideas of going to the Westfarms Mall today, but I do not think that I will go.

The Nietzsche book is kind of dry, like I said. He writes about convictions and opinions, and about how some people have stuck convictions about things and will not budge on them. Nietzsche in general seems to have been optimistic about the future. I am quite pessimistic about it. I do not think that the future holds much good for mankind. I think that technology has made humanity ape- like, as Nietzsche would say. Information is a commodity and is not precious any longer. I am in the world of the exploitation of information, and the age of the encyclopedia is better than the age of the Internet. The Internet exploits freedom of the will. I wonder how long I am going to last without slipping back into psychosis, and how long I can live without much of it. I do not want to slip back into it. This font is terrible. The longest I have lasted without psychosis in this kind of situation is about two days. I do not want to be melodramatic, but I think that I can last longer this time. I have a will to be healthy.

Last night, I went to the bookstore near the Buckland Hills mall, and the bookstore is pretty nice. My mom brought me there, and she said that she goes to work that way. The young woman whom I saw running today was athletic, for she was running briskly. She ran on the side of the road, avoiding the sidewalks. I do not like being with all those cars though. My mom praised my trumpet playing that I did like a week ago. I played then for about a half hour, and I was surprised that I could still play it pretty well. I am about halfway through Nietzsche’s book. Actually, it is my book. I am looking forward to finishing the book. I want to get on to a more enjoyable book. I do not know what I am going to do tonight. Last night I listened to a Mozart clarinet concerto, flute concerto, and oboe concerto. I think that that CD is probably one of my favorites, or as the English say favourites. God alone has helped me through my traumas, and I praise His grace. Without God, I would be alone. With Him, I have life.

Last night, I saw the show “Law and Order.” The show was satisfactory, a C

+ grade. Sometimes I do not understand that show, and a cop got shot in it. The show was about a Colombian drug dealer, and is all about crime and guns. I would much rather listen to Mozart. I found out that Tchaikovsky was homosexual, and I learned this from the booklet in a CD of his Fourth Symphony, which is the only one that the public liked. I despise his Sixth Symphony. Not much is happening in the news other than the power crisis in California and the slowing economy. I did not go to my appointment yesterday, for I was not feeling well in the morning. Now I have got to end this entry. I do not have to, but I still am addicted to this time frame. I will have to get over my half hour and hour intervals. Today I rode for about thirty-five minutes, which is a change. Maybe I can break my old destructive habits. I am oﬀ now. I hope that I will be able to write as much tomorrow. Bye bye.

Wednesday, February 14 2001

Hi. Now that my psychotic thoughts have diminished, I have to worry about my obsessions, which are extremely annoying, and they make me split up my day in half hour and hour intervals. Worse, I cannot read the books that I want to read. For example, I want to read a book by Virginia Woolf, yet I cannot because of my obsessions. My obsessions in some ways are worse than my psychotic thoughts. For example, I felt that I had to buy a Nietzsche book the other night because I felt that I needed to eventually have read four books by Nietzsche instead of three, which is a number that I generally do not start anything on. For example, I would not start an entry at three minutes past five. So, I have to read a whole other book that I might not like because of my obsessions. The reason that I do not want to read the Virginia Woolf book right now is because the book starts on page three. I would like to read Virginia Woolf at night, but I feel that I cannot because of my obsessions. I will try to read the diary of Virginia Woolf tonight, and I hope that I can be successful.

The whole reason that I get so annoyed about my obsessions is that if they are not followed, I am afraid that they will keep me up at night. I tend to get all worked up if the obsessions are not obeyed, thus they can keep me up at night. I would say that usually the fear is worse than what happens if I break the obsession. So, just because I break an obsession does not ensure that I will stay up at night. My obsessions come into play when I am writing too. For example, if the font lines up a certain way, I will delete my original sentence and change some words so that the font is totally clear.

I read some of Nietzsche this morning, and I am on the sections that are a bunch of maxims on diﬀerent subjects. They are called assorted maxims, and they are notoriously diﬃcult to understand. So, I want to skip the section. I feel that I should, for otherwise I would risk annoyance. Diﬀerent short maxims are more like fortune cookies than real writing. His preface to the second volume

was pessimistic but smart. I have finished the first volume, and the second volume is divided into two sections, the second of which I will try to begin tomorrow. The first section consists of Nietzsche’s assorted maxims. Nietzsche, as is apparent from this preface, is quite eccentric, and it seems that madness could overcome him any time. He used to like Wagner, but when Wagner came out with Parsifal, Nietzsche left him in the dust. He also admired Schopenhauer, but I think that he eventually fell out from this admiration too. He felt depressed that he did not have any music to listen to when he deserted Richard Wagner, and he felt that Wagner was too much involved in Romanticism. Nietzsche thought that Romanticism was a plague.

When I read Nietzsche, I will not understand everything that he writes.

When his maxims are short, then these are the hardest to understand. Nietzsche takes a pessimistic view of the world, but he was really quite smart. He seems to me to be a bohemian. As one can see, I have not learned too much from reading

Nietzsche because he is so diﬃcult to understand. I guess that I could admit to my psychosis now and get it oﬀ of my chest. I believed that one could be one of five things One could be evil, neutral evil, neutral, neutral good, or good. I believed that Mamaw was neutral and that Popee was neutral good. I believed that I was neutral good, but there is a whole lot more that I have not said.

I believed that I was good for my whole life until I got psychotic. From good, one can go down to neutral good. This is not such a bad thing. There is, however, a danger if one is good one could possibly become the Antichrist. The Antichrist is a huge change from good. This is if one suﬀers from hubris when they are good and supports the phrase “the bigger they are the harder they fall.” When I got psychotic, I believed that I became the Antichrist.

These are my beliefs as of about a week ago, and they took diﬀerent shape when I was at Trinity College. So, my dreams are filled with images representing these beliefs. I did, however, believe that I essentially got over being the Antichrist and finally settled down to be a peg lower on the scale in becoming neutral good. I thought that it took a great deal of courage to get out of the Antichrist position and to become neutral good. I also believed that there were two Antichrists. I believed that one was to suﬀer the biggest punishment of any man in the depths of hell, and the other was to have the greatest pleasure when he died. The two Antichrists would continually vie for the top spot, the stronger one getting the top and the lower getting the worst that hell had to oﬀer. The top Antichrist would have to always try to stay there after death, while the lower was always trying to get out of his hell and into the top Antichrist’s heaven.

I have just basically stated my entire psychotic beliefs as of about a week ago, which were diﬀerent from those beliefs when I had some psychotic symptoms during my years at Trinity College. Much of Trinity College, I did not have symptoms. The only times that I did were when I got psychotic or when I

had come out of the hospital from a psychosis. Well, I have basically told what I wanted today.

The beliefs that I had were not really so crazy though they might seem so. Maybe tonight I will be able to read Virginia Woolf some. Now that my psychotic thoughts have diminished, I wonder if I can also get rid of my obsessions. I have a feeling that my obsessions will be the most diﬃcult to dispose of, so to speak.

Now I am about done with this full entry. I hope that I will be able to read Virginia Woolf tonight. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, February 15 2001

I have had enough of Nietzsche for now. I just cannot understand him. I have read his first volume of Human, Not Too Human, and I think that I will stop there. I will go no further. I hope that I will be able to read the diary of Virginia Woolf tonight. Last night, I read Virginia Woolf for about forty minutes. I also played the trumpet for about twenty-five minutes. Today I read Nietzsche for about an hour and walked for about a half hour. I feel tired right now, really tired. I might be putting on some weight, and this weight gain might be a side eﬀect of my medicine. Maybe if I weighed less, I could run.

I was able to run fine a couple times in a row a couple weeks ago. Then I could not, showing that the medicine is the culprit. I am not sure what the medicine is made of, and certainly the stuﬀ is powerful. The name of the medicine is Zyprexa, and I think that its chemical name is something like Olanzapine. I am not sure how an antipsychotic works. I guess that it messes up the amount of dopamine, a chemical that controls happiness, in the brain. The medicine is called a tranquilizer, and it tranquilizes the victim.

In the Virginia Woolf book, she is depressed because she has to look over what she has already written. The task must be hard, and I would find it daunting. She was writing The Years when she was fifty-four years old. She was thinking of writing Three Guineas, but she was thinking of calling it then Two Guineas. The thing that I like about Virginia Woolf is that she meets so many people, that she has so many friends. She is a real socialite. I am kind of lucky too though because I live in solitude. I think that Virginia worked about two hours per day, but she might have worked three hours.

One day I think that she said that she worked from five till seven, and I think that this was in the morning. I think that for me working for three hours would be all right. Then I could set aside an extra hour for academic recreation like walking and playing my trumpet. Once Virginia Woolf was recommended a change of scene by a doctor because of her nervous condition, so I think that she followed the doctor’s advice, which incidentally would be good advice for me too.

Woolf ’s sister is Vanessa, and Woolf calls her Nessa. Virginia has more than one place to stay, and they go to a place called Monk’s House when they want to though I think that they mostly live in London. She writes that the King

of England died recently. Snow still covers the ground here in Windsor, and the sidewalks are still kind of wet. Last night, I played my trumpet some. My trumpet needs a major oiling. I played some jazz melodies and some short songs in the Arban’s book though last night I did not play much because I did not want to damage my embrasure.

The Arban’s book along with Clarke’s Technical Studies is an essential for any trumpet player. Well, my walk was fun. I ran around the train station and then walked on a side street through Windsor and by Washington Park. There were two cars parked by the park, and in one a young woman was looking in her car mirror. I passed by two small dogs, which were near the house. The only thing that I do not like about winter is that the sidewalks get messy. I like the snow and the cold. Last night, James Bozzuto called, and I have an appointment for two o’ clock on Tuesday, which is unfortunately the same time as my dentist appointment. Virginia had periods of intense headaches. She left oﬀ her journal for about two months at one point. I am kind of tired right now. My obsessions have not left me, that is for sure.

On my walk I passed a lady with a black coat on, and on my way back I passed a lady carrying groceries. I feel kind of tired right now. I want to learn how antidepressants work and to know what they do in the brain. I think that they are called monamine oxidase inhibitors or tricyclic antidepressants. I do not know how they work though they take about a month to kick in. I took the terrible Paxil for a week.

I hope that I will be able to read Woolf ’s book for about an hour today. I think that a change of scene would do me good, as I have been languishing in this small house for too long now. This medicine is so annoying because it tranquilizes me, making me tired, yet it has pretty much now cured my schizophrenia illness. I feel kind of tired right now. I wonder if I will be able to play my trumpet tonight. I have a Yamaha silver trumpet, and I like it very much, thank you. I have had the trumpet since sometime in middle school, when I was in the jazz band, which was fun. I won an award at the New Hampshire Jazz Festival for my solo. Anyway, I think that it would be enjoyable if I can play the trumpet again. I miss playing tennis, and friends. Yet God has helped me so much, and I must remember that I owe Him a lot.

If I had to befriend someone, I would like to befriend Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart or Andre Agassi. The first choice is not possible, but the second is possible. I have a feeling that the United States has lost in the first round of the Davis Cup, so they might not even be competing for the Davis Cup next year.

Well, I am about through with my journal entry now. I need to rest my mind for a little bit right now. I have talked a lot today. I am through with Nietzsche though I admit that he is smart. So, tonight I hope that I will be able to play the trumpet and to play it all right. Now I am oﬀ because I have no time left. Bye bye.

Friday, February 16 2001

Hi. So far I have had a good day. My day was good because I was able to read and run. Although I did not read as much as I wanted to, I am glad because I was able to read at all. I read for about an hour and a half in all. I also was able to jog for about a half hour. I do like the book that I am reading. I am reading Volume 5 of Virginia Woolf ’s diary. I have already read before Volumes 2, 3, 4, and part or all of Volume 1. Right now it is snowing out. So, it is not at all still outside. When I had gone out for a jog, it was not snowing or raining. There were just like miniature ice pellets falling from the sky, and these were all right to jog with.

Last night, I played my trumpet for about a half hour. I hope that I can get back to my old form with my trumpet playing. I am guessing that I was in the Trinity College jazz band about four years ago. So, I have not played in a while, and it certainly shows in my playing. I cannot hit high notes very well. Also, my tone needs work. Last night, I played among other things a small tune called “Andante from a Major Symphony” by Mendelssohn. The thing was only two lines long, so it was pretty easy to play.

Right now it is snowing in force, en masse. Snowflakes are falling heavily. I am kind of disappointed, though, for it appears that the snow is changing back into freezing rain as I write. I did sleep well yesterday night. These days I have been watching a show called “Law and Order,” which is about criminals and cops. The font on this computer is really awful, and I do not know why in the world it is the default font. Now the freezing rain has turned back into snow again. I wish that it would make up its mind. According to “Law and Order,” there are a lot of crimes that one can commit. Most of the crimes committed in it are murders. Usually, the lawyers that make up the cast of “Law and Order” win their cases, and they are always portrayed as being in the right. Now it is ridiculous that the snow has turned back to freezing rain.

Now it might be just rain. It makes a diﬀerence that I do like the book that I am reading. I have pretty much run out of potential books to read in the liberal- arts field. I do not have a way to get some good science books now, though, for I do not have a parking permit at Trinity College. If I decided to return there, I obviously could easily get a permit. My old permit has expired.

I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I kind of miss them. I hope that I will be able to play ping-pong and that I have a good visit. This font is driving me crazy, and I have some basis for displeasure concerning it. On the y’s and other letters, the letter dips far below the line and can interfere with letters on the next line. After I write this entry, I am going to be done with writing and reading for the day. At the bookstore the other day, my mom got a book of some stories by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I wonder if Mamaw has started that Robert Ludlum book that she wanted to read. I am not sure what Popee is reading now. I look forward to seeing my grandparents tomorrow.

The book that I am reading is interesting. Virginia Woolf was a real socialite. She is working on Three Guineas at the moment and is deeply emotionally attached to hearing reviews about her recently published book called The Years. I have read Three Guineas and The Years, and I liked The Years much better. Three Guineas is kind of like a feminist book though it does not have the annoyance of so many modern feminists.

I think that The Years focuses on a family, and how they grow up through the years. I think that the family’s name is Pargiter, and that the head of the household was Colonal Pargiter. I still have my one psychotic persisting thought that I am neutral good. This cannot seem to go away, and it is easy to believe in. Anyway, Virginia Woolf does not know what to think of The Years. I mean that she does not know if it is poor or decent. There have been conflicting reviews about it.

I wish that there was something else to do besides watching television. My obsessions, as I call them, have just attacked me viciously. Well, I kind of wish that I could see a concert at The Bushnell. I would like to hear a piano concerto by Mozart at The Bushnell, which is a big open stage in Hartford. My yard is pretty big. It has a lot of trees in it, and it probably will look beautiful when spring comes. Virginia Woolf does not like proofreading books though she has to.

I have only once proofread a writing that was an attempt at an autobiography, and I changed some things in it though I have not proofread my journal entries. At fifty-four, Woolf figured that she had about ten years to live though I am not sure if she was being facetious. I am an upper-middle-class writer. I come from an upper-middle-class family, and all people from this group are stuck firmly in the middle class. There is a big jump from upper-middle- class to rich. So, I do not mind if people say that I am a middle-class writer. I just do not want to be a bourgeois writer, which has an element of wildness in it.

Now it is snowing out. I must be getting kind of tired because my obsessions are attacking me. I like when it snows better than when it rains. My run today was very encouraging for this schizophrenic, for I was able, though with much eﬀort, to keep up a jog for about a half hour. I would not jog in this weather now though. I ran down Broad Street. I saw two joggers on my run, and they wore fancy running clothes. They were young men. I think that one of them might have said “Hi, man.”

The other day when I rode my bike next to a group of toddlers, one of them said, “Hi, man. Hi, dude.” When I was passing him he said, “Bye, man.” I just saw some Loomis Chaﬀee students running, and there was a whole group of them. I do not know what to think of that. I wonder if I will be able to get back to proficiency on my trumpet. Now is a good time to end my entry. My obsessions are attacking, and now would be a good time to end. I am outta here. I hope that the reader is doing all right. Bye bye.

Sunday, February 18 2001

Hi. “Hello, America how are ya?” as the television commercial for Healthy Choice foods goes. One person says, “I am feeling really good.” Another says, “I am feeling great.” The message is that if one eats good, he feels good, as the commercial says. Anyway, today was encouraging on the exercise front. I was able to jog for about a half hour. My right ankle bothered me yesterday, and it is my Achilles heel, so to speak, though today it did not bother me much. The book by Virginia Woolf is going well. I like the book.

I think that Virginia Woolf is writing or has recently finished the book Three Guineas. This book was the least favorite of mine pertaining to her books. The book that she wrote before Three Guineas was The Years, and I liked The Years a lot. Virginia Woolf did not do much exercises though she gets to walk sometimes. She travels a lot, and I never travel. She could very well hold that against me. My parents are not home, for they are at the mall.

I did run today, like I said. I ran around the train station and down Broad Street. I passed two young women, who were likely from high school. I also passed a young man and a young woman. I saw a woman, who might have been Ms. Beason, running with a baby carriage with wheels. She taught me high school geometry at summer school my sophomore year. No, not my sophomore year in college, as I am not that dumb. I could not recognize the young men and the young women whom I saw, as I did not know them. I am taking quite a funny tone today. I listened to a bit of Mahler’s First Symphony, and I found it too quiet. I could not hear much.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I talked to Popee a lot. I played three games of ping-pong, and Popee played well. He seemed to talk pretty well too. He said that he would like to play tennis. I would play. My obsessions are terrible. Popee told Mamaw that the next thing would be to get out on the tennis court, and she laughed. This font is terrible. Popee is reading a new book now, and I do not think that he liked the last book that he was reading. He is reading a book by Robert Johnson, who wrote the books He and She. I feel kind of tired right now.

I wonder if this medicine makes one feel tired. Certainly, the medicine takes away some vividness of memory. The medicine is terrible to the body really. Still, the medicine allows me to live all right. The medicine allows me to live pretty well. If I was oﬀ of the medicine, I could go to college, play sports, and have many friends. I wonder if ever some scientists will come up with a cure for schizophrenia. The University of Michigan schizophrenia webpage has some good content, and maybe they will come up with a cure for schizophrenia. There is a laboratory there. The thing is called the Meyer Woodruﬀ Lab or something like that. I might have to change this font. I wonder when someone will come up with a cure for schizophrenia, and I hope that someone will come up with a cure soon. I want to be cured so that I can get on with my life.

I am not wearing socks right now because my mother has not washed enough for me. I do not have any socks or any good T-shirts right now.

Therefore, I am kind of angry. Snow still covers the ground, but today was warm enough to enable me to forgo wearing my jacket. I wore a green Woolrich sweatshirt that Mamaw and Popee gave me. I think that they gave it to me not at Christmas a couple months ago, but at Christmas the year previous along with some socks. I do like the sweatshirt, and my run went well today. I was glad to see some people. I wish that I had some more CDs to listen to. I still like Mozart the best out of all the composers. Last night, I watched most of a movie called The Jackal starring the famous Bruce Willis. There was one gruesome scene that I regret seeing, forgive the pun. The scene was when Willis, who plays the Jackal, blows this guys arm oﬀ. That was disgusting and should not have been on television.

There is so much in television land. There is so much terrible material, such as commercials for mortgages, toilet paper, the Internet, paper towels, Radio Shack, cars, McDonald’s, Gateway, and dog food. There are more commercials too that are annoying, and the shows on television are annoying too. I like listening to good music much more. I listen to music about every night, and the night is rare when I do not. I cannot listen to my old CDs, though, for I know the songs too well. I cannot listen to The Four Seasons, all the Mozart symphonies that I have, and all the Beethoven that I have. I do not like Beethoven much, though, and he should not be even in the same breath as Mozart. Virginia Woolf is a pretty good diarist, but she should have written more in it.

I am interested in reading Samuel Pepys’s diary, and I think that he was the first major diarist. I do not much like Anais Nin, though, and she is considered the best modern diarist. I think that my diary is better than Anais’s, for it is more consistent. Virginia Woolf seems to have led a decent life. I cannot imagine myself at this point entertaining so many guests and going so many places as Woolf did, and I wonder how she felt with so many guests. She was a socialite, like those in Connecticut and New York. Only she was in London, and she writes her diary entries sometimes with quite short sentences. Her nephew Julian died in the recent journal entries that I have read. I think that he died in Spain, and he was an ambulance driver who got hit tragically by a shell. Woolf feels depressed that he died.

I hope that I will be able to read the diary of Virginia Woolf this afternoon.

Today I think that I read it for about an hour. I have been playing my trumpet lately, and I seem to be on a low plateau right now. Yet maybe I can improve my range by playing every day. I am almost at the end of this successful entry. After this I think that I will rest, and then I hope that I will be able to read some. Now I am oﬀ. I wonder if the reader is with me, and if so I wish him or her well. The reader is extremely important, as I pass on my life to him or her. I still owe God much, and He is certainly most important. Well, I must go now. I will see the reader later. Bye bye.

Monday, February 19 2001

Hi. How are you? I am doing all right. Today my exercising was encouraging, for I was able to jog for about a half hour. I feel kind of tired right now. I read Virginia Woolf for about an hour today, and sometimes I find her writing diﬃcult to understand. She writes in her diary so compactly though I like the book pretty well. The snow is quickly melting, and the sidewalks have gotten kind of wet. I still run very slowly, but I do not mind. Jogging takes a lot out of me. I think that the next book that I will read will be by Machiavelli. The book is called Discourses, so I guess that it will be about discourses. Well, I might have forgotten when I started this entry. I have a good guess when I did, though, but these errors can really cause me some strain. I do not know what to say now, but maybe starting a new paragraph might help.

I do like Virginia Woolf ’s book, and she has a good style. I have been playing my trumpet every day. I have a long way to go. I feel tired right now. My body and mind are tired. I was thinking about going to the bookstore tonight, but I do not know if I will go. I do not think that I will go. My obsessions are particularly vicious right now, and I do not know if I will be able to continue though I will try. I just do not want to go to what I surely consider a doctor’s appointment. I feel tired right now. Sometimes I feel like I should give up on life, like I should just be a couch potato, or “potatoe” as Dan Quayle the former vice president spells it. I do not want to give up because I have hope. I think that things will remain good, that I have a future. Many people give up hope and turn to drugs, chief among them alcohol. They turn to the opiate of this age, which is the television, or even worse to the Internet, as it is called. The Internet should be called the mind-control device, the robber of free will.

If I had any kids, I do not know if I would send them to private middle school or high school. If I had to live somewhere, I would probably live next to the beach in Palm Springs, Florida. I would buy a white 1980s Lamborghini Countache and drive down the streets. I would run through my rich neighborhood and bike in the summer. I would buy a recent Specialized Stump Jumper. I would write in my mansion overlooking the beach. I have been to Palm Springs, and I was impressed by it. I liked the beach and the town. I just hope that I would not burn to death there like in the desert. I feel kind of tired. This town is too boring for me. All there are are cars and unoriginal shops. I would like to be athletic again, to take to the tennis courts like a professional.

I dreamt last night that I had to fight Andrew Gray. First he was in the Snug at Loomis. I was impressing everyone there, including George Bush, by my genealogy. Through psychic signs on their heads, they showed how impressed they were. For example, George Bush had a big tan X on his forehead. He managed to convince the others in a psychic fashion that I was not worth anything. The people turned to his side to my dismay, for I knew that Andrew

was evil. I went to a diﬀerent table, where I put my hands out in a sign of courage, for I was to fight this evil.

Andrew was taking much of the food that the people ate and transporting it through psychic channels, so to speak, into himself. With that hand movement of mine I fought back. Andrew’s stomach grew, and it was apparent that he was going to explode like the greedy girl in the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Therefore, I had defeated him.

I also dreamt in a diﬀerent dream that Andrew was against me, and he was chasing me around in a building. I knew that I could not survive cramped up in the building, so, when the opportunity presented itself, I pushed open the doors and ran outside. Doing this was dangerous, though, for he could control tornados and whirlwinds. I ran towards a house and burst into the house by dashing into the windows and going inside. Inside there were some attractive young women sleeping. I was in relative safety, but then was lifted up into the air by some wind. The dream ended there.

I probably had some other dreams too. I miss the ocean very much. The Woolf ’s get to travel a lot though I do not think that they have been to the beach much. Virginia is an extensive traveler. I just checked the book, and it contains some if not all of her diary entries from 1936 to 1941. She has traveled a real lot. In her diary for those years she, among other places, went to Scotland, and I think that that is the part that I am reading of now.

She kept a very short travel diary. I doubt if I will go to the bookstore tonight though I might just do that. Last night, I watched the news and a basketball game between the Lakers and the Pacers. I think that the Pacers won by a point, but the Lakers had a lead for most of the game and blew that lead.

Kobe Bryant, a star of the National Basketball League, is a ball hog, and Shaq should have been passed the ball much more often. I am in a CD crisis right now, for I have essentially run out of viable CDs to listen to.

The ones that I have listened to have all gotten repetitive, and there is not much at all to listen to. I do not know what to do though I have, like I mentioned earlier, thought about going to the bookstore to get some. I was thinking of getting some cheap CDs if they are good enough. I might go Thursday to the library and take some CDs out. My jog was good today, and seeing two Loomis girls on bikes lifted my spirits up some because one does not see many bikes around these days. Well, my time is almost gone. Well, now I am oﬀ. I am not sure exactly what I will do for the rest of the day, but I certainly hope that I can stay productive. In any case, I have got to go now. Now I will say goodbye. Bye bye.

Wednesday, February 21 2001

Hi. Today I read and jogged, and I feel tired from my jog. Maybe if I weighed less, jogging would come easier. I feel tired. Yesterday I had a full day,

to say the least. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s and to the psychiatrist. I feel tired. I would rather ride my bike than jog, but I am afraid that the sidewalks will be too wet. I guess that I should tell about my day yesterday. At the psychiatrist appointment, I told him about the Nietzsche book that I had read. I told him about Nietzsche’s attitude towards Germans, the falling out of his friendship with Wagner, and how Nietzsche thinks that much of one’s day should be devoted to leisure. The questions that he asked were mostly about books and topics unrelated to schizophrenia. He asked, and I told him how Virginia Woolf has many friends and travels and about how she wrote about the books that she wrote. I am so tired. Nietzsche was right in his belief that a physician can improve or hurt the patient based on the physician’s usefulness.

Today I read Virginia for about fifty minutes, stopping early because the church spews out this terrible music for about ten minutes at noon. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, and they were glad that I came. I got to talk to Carol. She is my aunt on my mom’s side. She said that I sounded good and that I should try taking two or three courses at college. Well, where else would I take classes, Jon? She said that it was warm there, and she lives in Missouri. I think that her town is Springfield.

Mamaw sent me home with some strawberries. At the house, I was given some cake, strawberries, and orange juice. Mamaw got them for me. Popee and I played three games of ping-pong. Mamaw said that they got their blood drawn yesterday. They were getting their cholesterol checked, and they were not allowed to eat twelve hours before they got their blood drawn. They had to wake up early yesterday to get their blood drawn. The blood work will probably come out fine.

I talked to Popee a lot yesterday, but he was out of sorts on some topics.

For example, he thought that I had only seen Mr. Bozzuto for a few weeks. Also, he was not able to push the button to turn oﬀ the television. He said that “Barney Miller” was a good comedy, and the show is on a channel called Television Land. It was not on when I was over, though, but another old show was on that channel. Popee has an enthusiasm for ping-pong, which I admire. He also seems to care that I go back to Trinity College, and he asks me about Trinity every time I am over.

I saw tons of people on my run today. I saw people waiting at the bus stop on Broad Street. I also saw two people at the bus stop at the train station. Yes, there is a bus stop at the train station. There were a lot of people walking from Loomis Chaﬀee, and I noticed two Loomis Chaﬀee vans going down Broad Street. There was a young man and young woman walking together. I saw a short girl running quickly, and she wore a Loomis Chaﬀee sweatshirt and blue preppy running pants, which likely were the running pants of another prep school. Her face betrayed little emotion though. My room is kind of messy with clothes. I sometimes just throw my clothes down at the foot of my bed.

I was able to jog for about a half hour today. I owe God all of His grace for the run today and for the runs previous. I feel awfully tired on my runs, so I am looking forward to biking soon when the sidewalks dry up. Yesterday I read for about a half hour and played my trumpet for about twenty-six minutes. The big thing was that I went out a lot. I do not know if Carol is right and if I am ready to go to Trinity College, and I am planning to return to Trinity College this summer to take a class. I think that summer school will be fun.

The Virginia Woolf book is going all right. It seems like a lot of people have died whom she writes about. She is always writing about someone who has died is what I tried to say in that last obtuse and obscure sentence. Not that I failed in telling it, but who knows I may have indeed failed. Anyway, I think that Woolf has to write some obituaries. She is writing a biography on Roger Fry in the entries that I am reading now. She also is reading Chaucer and other authors, including an author whose last name might be Sévigné. Woolf says that she reads some “nonsense” books too. I do not read any nonsense books. I wonder what Chaucer book she is reading. I liked Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, which is a book of tales from people who have various professions.

I think that Woolf sometimes walks, and in one instance she writes that she walked for two hours, which is quite a nice amount of time that I could not do unless the surroundings were nice. That is not bad for someone in her fifties. At the point of the diary that I am at she does not care if people put down her writing, whereas just about a year or maybe two before she had cared a lot about what people said. In the edition of her diary that I am reading, she has not written too often, and sometimes she skips weeks.

Still, the times that she has written are satisfactory. At least she has continued writing in it through the years. I am thinking that she might have written even more entries but that they were edited out for my edition that I read. Sometimes she writes for only five or ten minutes, and when I hear her write that she has five minutes before lunch to write, my spirits sink a bit. Yet other times she writes more. She feels bad when she has neglected to write entries in her journal often. My obsessions are terrible really though they have not struck today writing much until now. After I finish this entry, I hope that I will be able to read some of Virginia Woolf ’s diary. I cannot imagine me being in my fifties.

Virginia says that she tries not to think of death. If I were her age, I probably would not be able to do that. I want to be perpetually in my twenties. Well, I have been besieged by obsessions in the last minutes of this entry, so I may appeared somewhat scatterbrained, so to speak. Time’s up, so to speak, and I am oﬀ. I wish the reader well as always, and I hope that he or she has good tidings. Bye bye.

Thursday, February 22 2001

Today I went to the Windsor Library, and I got out some CDs. I probably got about seven in all. I got eight in all, as I just counted. I needed some new ones. Last night, I listened to some Vivaldi concertos, and the night before I listened to some Mozart concertos. Now I will have to settle for Handel and Bach for a time. I feel tired from the medicine. Today I went on a run, which went well. My ankle is hurt, though, so I will have to take it easy. My obsessions are extremely annoying, and they cannot seem to let up. I do not even know why I call them my obsessions. I should call them demons or evil things, for they can wreck a life.

I played the trumpet yesterday evening, and I was working on an exercise.

I worked on one line in particular, which had all pretty low notes in it so that I would not have to struggle with high notes. I played pretty well considering, and someday I might get up to the high notes. That could be made into a joke, this getting up in to the high notes. Snow is still on the ground. The snow is melting quickly, though, and the ground should be clear soon. Yet there is supposed to be snow tonight, so I do not want to speak too quickly.

I hope that it does not snow tonight, for I want a good night’s sleep tonight without the beeping of trucks. Today on my run, I did not really pass anyone except for an oldish man and a boy, who were together at the train station probably waiting for a train. They seemed to be all bundled up. Not much was happening at the library. There was this lady there who was the librarian, and I do not like her much. I heard a kid talking about how the best pancakes were in San Francisco because there were chocolate chips in them and because they put whipped cream on them. The mother said that they were going to go to Bart’s, and I think that she said that they were going to get a hot dog there. She had two kids with her.

I looked through the classical CDs at the Windsor Library, and I was surprised to find that there actually seemed to be some decent CDs that I could take out today. Well, I would not have taken them out yesterday. I hope that today I will be able to read some of the diary of Virginia Woolf. The Windsor Library is a small aﬀair with few good books in good condition. They have a couple racks of classics, but they are all in tatters. All they need is a good two hundred dollars to get some new classics books. The librarians are for the most part inanimate, except of course for these two women that I have often seen on Sundays. The library has movies to take out, but I have seen most of the movies that they have. Their science books are very outdated. Their classical CD collection is pretty good, though, and I haven take out a lot of CDs from them over the past year.

There is a kid’s section in the library, and I used to go there when I myself was a kid. I think that I liked taking out some toys in a bag with a white plastic opening top. I think that the toys were wooden blocks to make things with like palaces or castles. I am not sure what the bags contained, though, and they could very well have contained colored cassettes. I think that I liked playing with their

computers though their computers and programs on disk were very outdated. I remember being on the second floor of the library once with Steve Moran.

I played this computer game with him in which I would try to get a winning hand at poker against my woman computer opponent. The game was called Strip Poker, and the object was to win against the woman. This was a game that I tried to hide from my family. This was the only game that I had like that though. The graphics, of course, in those days were extremely poor, and one could see more in a painting than on the computer. Anyway, the library has a lot of computers now. They used to have an Apple IIe or IIc on the second floor when I was a kid, but now they have many IBM clones. The Internet is so useless, though, and I see moreover absolutely no use in it.

My run today went well. My right ankle kind of hurts when I run, though, so I have to take it easy. I ran around the train station and down Broad Street, and by the train station seem to be a lot of business buildings. The road by the train station is called Mechanics Street. The buildings look like warehouses.

There is a company called Ride Share and an outdoor equipment company. There is a place for Windsor clean-up vehicles. Of course, there is a strip of stores that I run around too, which includes a barber shop, a jewelry store, a pizza store, and a diner. I have never been in the diner or the pizza store for that matter. I think that I have had their pizza, for I think that it was delivered.

Windsor does not have many good stores though it has a barber shop. At the barber shop, there is a father and son team that cuts hair.

The father is kind of grumpy, while the son is a bit better. I was going to refer to the father as inimical to me, but I do not know the proper way to use that tough word. I wore my Nike Air Maxes, my Sport Hill pants, and my Loomis Chaﬀee jacket, making myself appear to be an ordinary prep sensation. I wish that I had a Sport Hill jacket, which I would rather wear than to wear the Loomis Chaﬀee jacket. It happens to be wearing out now that I wear it nearly every day this winter. My rarely seeing runners who seem to be from Windsor High disappoints me. I wonder what going to Windsor High School would be like. I went to the Windsor middle school and had a horrible time.

Sage Park Middle School was a disaster, and I do not even feel like talking about it now. I am still reading Virginia Woolf ’s diary. She lives at 52 Tavistock Square in central London. I do not know from the point at which she is writing her diary now how long she has lived there. I think that Woolf ’s diary is far better than Anais Nin’s diary though maybe I am just a snob. Harcourt Brace publishes both diaries, as they are into printing such topics. If I had my diary published, and I am being extremely vain now, I would like it published by Penguin or Harcourt Brace.

Penguin is more well known, while I think that Harcourt Brace is a company based in the United States. So, if I had my journal published by Penguin, the word colorful might come out colorful, and I do not have any pun intended. Woolf was working on a biography of Roger Fry, but I am not

interested in this work really. I wonder who Roger Fry was. I am about through with my journal entry now. Now is time to wrap things up. I hope that I will be able to read some of Virginia Woolf today.

I also hope that tonight I will be able to play my trumpet for about a half hour, and I have done so for the past week or so. Last night was encouraging as far as the trumpet is concerned, but now I have to be concerned about if I ever will be able to reach the high notes again. Well, I have got to go now. I hope that the reader is always optimistic towards my potential success in the future. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, February 23 2001

Well, unlike usual today’s exercises were a bust. I decided to rest my ankle and to walk on the River Trail, but when I got on the trail there was a lot of ice on it. So, I walked about half of the River Trail and then decided to ditch the trail eﬀort and to run home. So, I ditched the trail in the parking lot and ran home, passing the train station. I feel kind of emotionally tired from the exercise. I just did not feel like running a full half hour today, especially since my ankle has been bothering me lately. Today I read Virginia Woolf ’s diary for about an hour. I only exercised for about twenty-four minutes. I feel awfully tired right now.

I probably will see Mamaw and Popee tomorrow, and then I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. My trumpeting is going well. I played a couple-line piece by Weber yesterday, and I did like the jingle. I am now able to play D’s pretty well. The low D is easy, but the high D is the one that I am talking about when I say that I am playing the D’s pretty well. The high D that I am talking about is not the very high D, which is diﬃcult to reach for most players, but the D right after that C major scale that everyone who learns to play the trumpet learns.

On my depressing walk, I bumped into a couple, and the wife said “Hi.” They had a big white dog with them. I left the trail because there was too much snow and ice on it, a caveat that I hate. Woolf uses a word called titivate, and I have no idea what it means. For the most part her diary is replete with big words. I am just kidding her diary does not have many big words. Titivate is the most diﬃcult word in what I have read of her diary in this volume. Snow still covers the ground, but there are some dry spots actually. Today is warm compared to the usual winter days. I still often have psychotic beliefs, central of which is that I might be neutral good. Still, that really is the only psychotic belief that I cannot seem to get rid of. Still, I might be kind of paranoid in trying to avoid any evil.

Psychotic thoughts stink. I probably would have had a good walk had there not been snow and ice on the ground. The trail is unusable for too much during the year. I think that in Virginia Woolf I am reading her diary for the year 1940. I think that she committed suicide in 1941.

I wonder if Virginia Woolf will have lived longer than me; she very well might. I do not know if I can see myself living past the age of twenty-six, but I want to see myself living to the grand old age of one hundred years old. In that case, I would have lived only a quarter of my life so far. Still, twenty-four years old is old to like a teenager. I remember thinking that sixteen was old, so imagine what it feels like to be twenty-four. I am not even a teen anymore. I cannot imagine being older than twenty-nine or thirty or how old Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi are. My mind then will deteriorate, but I am not worried much about my body since it already has deteriorated pretty much all it can due to this medicine. Taking Zyprexa over a long long period of time might make my body even worse, so maybe I should worry about that.

Virginia Woolf writes about authors a lot, and she reads the diary of people. She is interested in the Greek language. She tends to read either spasmodically or voraciously, and I cannot tell by her diary. At one point in her life she was reading Gide’s diary. I have the book, but I have not read it. So, it seems that many famous people have written a diary. I even think that Tolstoy and his wife kept diaries, and I learned this fact in Virginia Woolf ’s diary though I do seem to remember seeing in the library a journal of Dostoevsky’s or Tolstoy’s wife.

There has been a thought that I have been having. The thought is that civilization relies heavily on the printed word. The classics and major books of science have become the pillars upon which society exists, yet there is not enough of these books. Moreover, it takes an expert to tell the quality of those books. Therefore, an expert would need to spend much time on books and risk not becoming an expert from reading books full of error. Therefore, it is hard to tell exactly what books are any good. If this happens, a proliferation of badness seeps into society.

Yet my thought is on the following topic. What one man knows is the accumulation of what he or she has read. Therefore, if people read, say, Victor Hugo and Dante, they have the same thoughts and to some degree become the same people. Now if people agree that certain books are masterpieces, they are more likely to be read by the layman. The danger is that people will become identical copies of each other by reading the same books. Since what one has read identifies the person as a person, the person is an accumulation of what he or she has read. Therefore, it is diﬃcult to decide what is good and what one should read. I am reading Virginia Woolf, and I trust that she is worth reading and that she has some stuﬀ to say. Yet I feel kind of disappointed that there are not more authors out there. There are just standards.

I am glad that I like Virginia Woolf, and I would not read her had I not liked her personality. I think that I have a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, for I tend to be compulsive about things. Yet maybe I do not, for I am just annoyed by my obsessions and they do not infringe upon what I do. I wonder what would have happened had Virginia Woolf taken Prozac. Maybe she

would have lived longer, or maybe her life would have been destroyed by the Prozac. The medicine does help many though. I wish personally that I was oﬀ of Zyprexa. I would rather be on a regimen of herbal tea or something.

I have to see the psychiatrist this Monday; well, I do not have to. That is, I will not be dragged there by secret-service agents if I refuse to go. Moreover, I will bet that I could beat Mr. Bozzuto in a fight. Mr. Bozzuto does not exercise much. Yet I am sure that I could not beat many people in a fight. I could not beat up Kobe Bryant, for example. I probably could beat up most elderly people and toddlers. I would undoubtedly lose to most high-school boys though I probably could beat up some high-school girls. Some really athletic high-school girls could probably beat me up. I could beat up my parents and grandparents probably.

I hope that I will be able to read Virginia Woolf ’s diary this afternoon.

Then tonight I hope that I will be able to play my trumpet, and there is a chance that I could do pretty well at it. I am interested in music. I like the piano too, but I do not have time to play two instruments. Well, maybe I do have time to practice both though I do not think that I have time to practice both.

The Arban’s book has some good songs in it though some songs are kind of boring. God has helped me to be successful of late, and without His grace I would not have the will to move on. Lately, I really have moved to more academics and music. Well, I am about through with this journal entry.

Tomorrow I think that I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s though I do not have to. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader stays with me. Bye bye.

Sunday, February 25 2001

Greetings from planet Mars. I hope that I will be able to write a full entry today. I do not know how much I read today though it was less than I had hoped. I forgot the time that I started reading, so I had to stop early. I would say that I read for about thirty-five minutes. I am reading the diary of Virginia Woolf; yes, I am still reading the book though I should finish the book quite soon. Yesterday I read for about an hour, ran for about a half hour, and played my trumpet for about a half hour. I also went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, where I did not play ping-pong. Popee said that he was not feeling very well.

Right now it is raining out. I wonder how much longer the snow will be on the ground. I am in a way looking forward to spring, but in a way I am not. I am, however, looking forward to the warm weather and to the trees blossoming again. Yesterday, my father said to my mom that people have a sense of spring coming to which my mom answered that people were part of nature. Mamaw said that my cousin John is going to work at a sporting goods store. She said that he was not interested in going to college right now or in joining the army. She said that this year my aunt Jane did her income tax, which she did not have to do before because her husband Ivan had them done when he had his big produce

job. Ivan does not have the job now though. I did not talk much to my grandparents yesterday.

I saw television shows yesterday at Mamaw and Popee’s that I would not have seen had I been at home. I saw a commercial for an air purifier, which was one of those half-hour or hour jobs. I also saw some ice skating. Popee told my mom that some great skaters were on. The pair from Canada beat the pair from Russia. I do not even think that the United States were in the competition. Does the United States take a singular or plural? There was a tennis announcer named Cliﬀ Drysdale who messed up my knowledge of the singular or plural when he commentated for the Davis Cup this year. I am not sure if him or me is right.

Now I might have messed up my personal pronouns in the last sentence too, so boy I might not be doing to well on my grammar. My obsessions just attacked me viciously. Yesterday I had a really encouraging run, and I was able to run for a greater distance than I have been running recently. Also, I had more energy because the medicine was wearing oﬀ. Last night I watched the news and then part of a movie though I probably watch too much television.

Not much is happening in Virginia Woolf ’s book, which would be more exciting if Virginia Woolf would jog or play a musical instrument, yet she does have many friends. Still, playing a musical instrument would have been good. Right now she writes some about the war versus the Germans. She is afraid that London will be hit, and she and her husband are prepared to kill themselves should the Germans take England. Of course, this from history never happened. Believe it or not, there are still some leaves on the tree outside my window, and they have been on it all winter. Virginia Woolf seems to note the days when it is rainy or snowing. There is really nothing to do in this house at least. I just sit around reading and writing. I have no friends.

I kind of wish that I lived in Beverly Hills and had a bunch of nice friends, and I would own a Lamborghini. I might also like to have a red Ferrari without a top. I do not know how to spell covertible or convertable though I think that the first one is right. Well, I like the sound of a Ferrari without a top all right. The Lamborghini must have those doors that open vertically. Yeah, I sure do like the purr of a Ferrari without a top in terms of grammar and literal sound. See that sentence is packed with onomatopoeia.

Right now it is raining out, so I cannot run. I miss running already. Tomorrow I am not going to be able to write in my journal. Soon I plan on printing my journal out. I am not sure how much I have to print, but it is probably a pretty good amount. Anyway, yesterday I ran around the train station and down Broad Street. There was a church service going on at the next door church, and cars were parked along side of Broad Street. My ankle did not hurt on my run. I wore my black Sport Hill pants for the first time in a while. I like my Nike Air Maxes very much. I passed a grim-looking woman in expensive clothes and a group of Loomis Chaﬀee kids. I also passed a mail carrier. I am

looking forward to the River Trail being runnable again, for I sort of dislike running on streets with a lot of cars on them.

Woolf ’s book is pretty good though I can never tell exactly where she is. She travels to Monk’s House at Rodmell, Mecklenburg Square, and London so often. I do not even know where she lives. I think that she lives in central London at 52 Tavistock Square still though she was planning on moving to 37 Mecklenburg Square. She vacations at Monk’s House at Rodmell. Well, she likes London and buying things too. She buys diﬀerent little things. “It’s just those little things that I fear. Oh, I am just a girl.” The rock group No Doubt so sings.

Right now it is raining out pretty hard.

Woolf cannot seem to focus on one book. She admittedly cannot settle on a book. My father does this too. He seems to be reading a diﬀerent book all the time, and I am sure that he does not finish them as quickly as he buys them. He buys used and new books often. Woolf likes reading diaries and memoirs as I do. She has a big vocabulary. Her descriptions, as Loomis Chaﬀee might say, are good. I learned about description with writers at Loomis Chaﬀee in English class.

Last night I listened to to a clarinet and oboe concerto by Mozart. I do, however, think that parts of the pieces are not authentic, as I read this in the libretto. I am not sure how the word libretto is spelled, but the word signifies the small insert that tells about the pieces on the CD. Mozart is the top composer in my book, with Vivaldi coming in a close second place. Today I hope that I will be able to read Woolf ’s book for about another hour.

I wonder when the next tennis tournament will be on television. When spring comes, there probably will be some televised tournaments. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee. Well, now is the time to end my journal entry. I am probably not going to play my trumpet tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow to rest up for. I am oﬀ. I will probably see the reader Tuesday, so to speak. Bye bye.

Tuesday, February 27 2001

Hi. I am quite tired after my run today. Yesterday was challenging and diﬃcult to get through, as I stayed home because of basically no sleep the night before. So now I am here though. I finished the diary of Virginia Woolf today. Now I have to read Machiavelli, and much of it so far is pretty good though the topics do not interest me very much. He writes about Rome. He mentions how if a place has one of the six forms of government, it will be a poor place to live, and that good places incorporate all the forms.

He writes that once a place has a prince and then establishes princely rule his sons will be lascivious and not worthy of the title. So, the book is kind of boring. The diary of Virginia Woolf ended with her suicide, so there is no more of her diary. She drowned herself, and I am not really sure why she did so. She

never gave any indication in her diary why she did. I am not sure if she was depressed over her writings or not though she certainly was depressed over the war. Last night, I started listening to jazz, but had to quit because it was too loud and raucous for me. The night before I do not think that I listened to music at all, and that was a big change. I had been listening to classical music every night, but now I have run out of CDs to listen to.

I feel tired from my run. I ran for about a half hour and expended probably too much energy. My run is anything but scenic. As I was saying, my run is an ugly one. I would rather run on the River Trail, but I am guessing that there is still snow on the ground at the trail. I am glad that I got sleep last night. Today I read for about an hour. I finished the Woolf book, like I said. My obsessive illness is still with me, but it is merely an annoyance though I wonder how life would be without it. Yesterday I watched far too much television. I probably will watch a lot tonight too since I do not have any music to listen to that I am not already familiar with. If I were rich, I would have CDs ordered for me to last me for five years. I got five Prokofiev piano concertos for Christmas, and I got five Mozart concertos for my birthday. I am already very familiar with them both. Prokofiev composed only five piano concertos. So, it seems he was not as prolific as Mozart was.

The snow is melting, and soon it will have melted entirely. Today was relatively warm. I wore my green sweatshirt on my run along with my blue Trinity College pants. My shoes are, unfortunately, getting dirty from running on so much dirt. The sidewalks have a thin layer of water and a lot of dirt on them.

I am guessing that some people put dirt on the sidewalks to make it easier to walk on. I saw part of a University of Connecticut basketball game last night, and, when I left them in the second half, they were winning against the University of Notre Dame. I think that it is called the University of Notre Dame and not Notre Dame University. The university has always had famous football teams.

I did pass some people on my run today. I passed a man working in some place that resembled a garage, for it had a big garage door on it. The door was open, and I saw a man who seemed to be sawing wood. Then I passed a garbage truck. Then I passed a motley-looking person at the train station though he also looked like a cool gang member. My ankle did not bother me today. Yesterday I read for a total of about an hour and twenty minutes. I read for about fifty minutes in the day and for about a half hour at night. I also exercised for about a half hour yesterday though I had to stop running about halfway through my exercising. The Woolf book did not end melodramatically, as she gave no indication that she was going to kill herself. She was writing just as she had been doing before. I feel bad that she killed herself, for it seems to me a cowardly act.

I really got tired today on my run. What really tires me is running up that hill on Broad Street. That always winds me. And then at the top I spin out like a top. No, actually when I reach the top, I do not go any faster. Like I mentioned

earlier, the run is not scenic. I see basically no trees or nature. When the River Trail thaws out, however, I will be on it. I hope that I will be able to read after I finish this entry.

I had a dream last night that I was friends with President Bush, and he liked me finally because of my family history on my mom’s side. I am related to some really high-powered people on my mom’s side. I think that my line goes back to William the Conquerer. Bush liked my history. I do not know if I am going to be happy with Machiavelli, for I do not know if I am interested in the subject matter. I was thinking that I should maybe read a fantasy book, for I used to like those. I have some fantasy books here at the house. Today the church had its daily playing of music, which really interrupts my reading habits, and it interrupted me reading today for the ten minutes that the music was playing.

The music plays so loudly too. I did not recognize the songs on today. The music is extremely loud so that all the neighborhood can hear.

I would like to read some books of diaries, especially that of Samuel Pepys, yet that diary probably has too many really short entries that might verge on shorthand. I cannot imagine being a short person though I am not against them. I like my height though. I do not, however, like my stomach. I have a pot belly from this medicine though it is barely noticeable with button-down shirts. I am wearing a blue jean shirt now, which brings me back to the days when I loved my jean jacket when I was around twelve.

The girls liked it too if I remember correctly. Jean jackets were a fad at that time in the 1980s. I think that Matthew Barber had a Levi’s jean jacket, which was probably the best one could have at the time. I do not remember what kind mine was though it might have been a Levi’s. Levi Strauss and Company is in trouble financially these days, as now Levi’s are out of style. As far as the news goes, nothing much is happening in this stagnant earth. There is news of Clinton pardons. I do not see the earth as stagnant really. Anyway, I hope that I will be able to play my trumpet tonight.

I did not play my trumpet yesterday. My trumpet needs a cleaning, and my slide is stuck. My valves are all right now. I oiled them, and I still have a lot of valve oil left. Well, I wonder who won that basketball game last night. The game was a big one for both teams, as the “Big Dance” is coming up soon. I wish that I weighed like twenty pounds less. Spring will be here soon. Well, now I have to end this entry. I do not have any music to listen to tonight, so I will probably watch some television. I hope that my brain will not fall asleep from watching too much television. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, February 28 2001

Hi. I am doing all right though I think that I have writer’s block. I do not feel much like writing now. I went to the River Trail today. I ran some, but had to stop running, as I was exhausted because of the medicine. Today I read

Machiavelli’s Discourses for about fifty minutes, stopping earlier because of the church music at noon. The River Trail looked really nice. There is not much ice on the trail. I am discouraged, not encouraged, by my jog today because I ran out of steam.

I had to walk some. I slept well last night and did not wake up extremely late like yesterday morning. I have been thinking that if one does not take care of oneself every day, he or she could easily become corrupt and bad. One takes care of oneself by reading and exercising, which are as essential to a human being as water is to a plant. Without water a plant withers, and without spiritual nourishment so does a human being as one is called. The mustard seed parable in the Bible shows that if people do not plant themselves in good soil by reading and exercising, then their full telos or potential will not be fulfilled.

Unfortunately for me, this medicine is like putting bleach in a plant where only the hardiest plants can survive. I think that I am hardy. I am not literally a hardy like a Hardy boy. People who have read the Hardy Boys books know what I am talking about. I read those as a kid, and I really liked them.

The Hardy Boys books had a lot of mysteries in them, and they were my favorite books for a while when I was young. I collected them, and I liked the stories and the looks of the books that came in both paperback and hardcover. The Hardy Boys were always involved in a mystery and were almost always in danger. I really liked the series. I do not remember much about them, though, for my longterm memory is not good about books. I wonder if I would like those books now. The hardcover books were blue. The paperbacks were of various colors and had illustrations on the covers, and they were numbered as in a series. I think that there were more individual hardcover books published than the paperbacks. I mean that there were more in the series of the hardcovers. I do not remember if there were diﬀerent authors or just one author who wrote them. I think that there were two Hardy boys, and one might have been named Tom.

Well, enough of the Hardy Boys for now.

I wonder where my Hardy Boys books are now. I still have some of my fantasy books, and some are in my bookcases. After the Hardy Boys I guess that I got into fantasy books, and now I am reading old books and classics. I certainly am paranoid about getting any books written in the present time because I fear that the Internet has all but ruined academia. The Internet is a modern opiate to relieve the stress of modern urban sprawl in most of the middle class and some of the upper class. People escape from life and reality via the Internet. People get caught up in useless technology, and it corrupts them. They become useless bureaucrats.

People sit in front of computers all day, and it eats at their soul, which undoubtedly wants to play in the wilderness. So, modern books like really stink. Therefore, I do not buy books from the Internet age, so to speak. The only modern books that I would buy would be books on science, like chemistry or biology. I am interested in science and biology. I am also interested in physics,

namely, Einstein’s theory of relativity. I want to understand that. I took calculus in college, and I had a hard time with that. During some of all of that semester, I was on Navane, which is an old antipsychotic. The stuﬀ made me really tired eventually, and I obviously switched to another drug.

I wonder if my CDs came in today. My mom bought me three CDs, which all probably contain two of them. So, I might get six in all. My mom got them on the Internet. I asked for two CDs of Vivaldi, a Mozart CD, and a Wagner CD. My mom got me three of the four, each of which contains two CDs. I hope that the CDs come in today. Today on my run I got really tired. I wonder what happened. I just could not go on. Therefore, I switched to walking for a time, and got to see the beautiful river and the nice water under the bridge. I also passed a nice- looking female, who passed me later as she was walking faster than I was. She seemed to be very attractive, and I wonder how old she was.

She wore a black coat, blue jeans, and hiking boots. When I saw her face, she seemed really attractive, but when she passed me, I did not see her face for a second time unfortunately. Anyway, she was a fast walker. There was no one else on the River Trail, and I am surprised that the ice has mostly melted on it. I wore my blue Sport Hill pants along with my Loomis Chaﬀee jacket. Under my jacket I wore a T-shirt, a long-sleeved T-shirt, and a white sweatshirt. Today was quite cold really, but the temperatures are supposed to get warmer when the weekend approaches.

I kind of want to read a fantasy book. Going on the River Trail today really boosted my spirits. Last night, I watched part of a basketball game. I do not know what to say right now really. Last night, the president had some type of televised speech. I did sleep well last night, but I cannot remember any dreams. I surely have a writer’s block right now. I have no idea what to talk about.

Machiavelli is pretty good, but he is kind of boring really. He writes about Rome, and I have heard enough about Rome in college. I am not sure if his theories of government hold water. He just seems to be making up some hypotheses, and who knows if they hold water. I do not know if his hypotheses make any sense.

He talks a lot about the diﬀerences between the plebs and the aristocracy, and he shows himself to be a member of the aristocracy from the style of his writing.

Machiavelli is Italian. I am unsure of my forefathers on my father’s side of the family, but know that I am at least a quarter Italian. I am half English. I might have some blood of the people of Argentina too, but do not know what they have contributed to Western civilization in terms of authors or great men though there probably are some. I just do not know it through a lack of academics that is geared to South America. I think that the capitol of Argentina is Buenos Aires. I think that Machiavelli lived in Florence. He wrote the famous philosophical treatise The Prince, which I read and which is about how a prince should act mostly in war in relation to his country.

I owe God for allowing me to go on the River Trail today and for letting me see His great works. I always like God’s grace, which lightens my day

considerably, as can be seen in His nature on the River Trail, including the river and the marsh. I owe Him all in life. I wonder when the snow will have melted entirely. I hope that I will be able to read Machiavelli today and that I will be able to play my trumpet tonight. I played my trumpet last night, and specifically I worked on some exercises for preparation for the turn, which is some trumpet ornament similar probably to the mordent. I learned that an A can be played with the third valve and that an E can also be played with the third valve.

Anyway, I have got to get going, reader. So, I will probably see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

Thursday, March 1 2001

Today I have had a decent day. I am getting kind of tired of Machiavelli though. Sometimes he does not make sense. He writes of the ancient world. I must admit that I am kind of bored reading him and would much rather like to read a chemistry textbook for example. Tomorrow my sister is coming home, and she will be home for the weekend. I feel kind of tired right now from a run that I found too rushed. To do two full loops I had to push myself too hard, and now I feel overtired. The snow is melting now, and there will probably be no snow pretty soon.

I am getting pretty well along in Machiavelli, who I think served in the military. I would not like to serve in the military unless as a peacemaker. I feel tired from my run, so I might not be very clear. I might have to ramble. Maybe I will make up a rap song. “Ice, ice, baby. Vanilla ice, ice, baby.” No, that is already made up. “All right stop, hammer time.” That is made up too. “Suicide Blonde,” that’s by INXS. I passed two people and two dogs on my run today. “Never fear, Underdog is here.” Underdog was a super dog on a cartoon series.

I feel awfully tired. Today I ran two loops on the trail. Some ice is still on the River Trail, but most has melted. I wonder when I will finish Machiavelli.

The pine tree outside is green, while the other trees are bare except for the one outside my window. I wonder when the trees will get green. I slept well last night, but I can remember few dreams. The television is nearly as bad as the Internet; well, it is about half as bad. The commercials are the big culprits. I saw part of a good movie last night on the Fox Family Channel. I think that the movie was called In-laws. It was funny.

There is a lot of dirt on the River Trail. The river has melted, but the marsh is still frozen. Today was really cold, and I had to wear a jacket over my sweatshirt. Today was as cold as any other winter day. I do not know if I should keep writing this entry. Machiavelli is kind of boring. All right stop, hammer time. Yo, my name is DJ run. And I am DMC. I am here to rock the mike. Same with me. Ice, ice baby. If you got a problem, yo I will solve it. Check out the mike while my DJ revolves it. Vanilla Ice was a rapper that got a really bad reputation. Here I go on the mike, Mike stands next to me with an ice. A lemon ice is my

name and taste is my game, so watch me while I bust a move. Yo, fine girl over there forgive me if I do but stare.

I am writin’ a rap, and I do not lie. All I need is some cherry pie. Some ice cream wit’ it is what I need, but I do not need nothin’ else no need. Word to your mom. I went for a run today I did, but I do not need nothin’ else you dig. Got me a bike wit’ a kick stand, no I took it oﬀ because I could not stand it. Got me a pick up truck, naw just kidding. But I got me a Toyota thick as jam, so if I get in an accident I do not need no man. Yo, I ain’t got no Lamborghini I guess, but I got me a book do not need yo I cannot spell the word I mean. So back to the nature at hand. Yo, I got me a computer on hand, so I do not need nothing else word to your mom.

Well, one can tell how tired I really am. I thought that I would blow oﬀ some steam. I feel just pretty tired really. That run really had the potential of doing me in, and I ran too fast at the end for my own good. The run knocked me oﬀ course for the afternoon. I ran two loops, but at a price. I am really tired. I hope that I will be able to read Machiavelli today, but I might just be too tired though I doubt it.

Yesterday I watched the news and “Law and Order.” It is too bad that I did not listen to music last night. I hope that my CDs come soon. I wonder which ones my mom got me. I am curious about Wagner, but I could not listen to his Parsifal opera because it was in German. One person whom I passed is a regular on the River Trail, and he has a nice dog. The woman whom I passed was a newcomer, and she talked to her dog as to a baby when I went by. The man had a long rope that served as a leash.

The trail was really beautiful today. The river was grand and quite small, and I think that it is the Farmington River. The Connecticut River though is the big river in the state for sure. I wonder when warmer temperatures will be here. I am awfully tired right now. My sister is returning tomorrow. I wonder if James Bozzuto will call today. I could not show up to my last appointment because I had stayed up most of the night before the appointment, and now I have to make another one. I feel quite tired right now. I do not know when my sister will be home tomorrow. Now I have to write my conclusion. I hope that the reader is doing well. I wish that he or she is in good health. So, I am oﬀ now, and I hope that I might get a chance to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Monday, March 5 2001

Hi. Today both of my parents are home probably because their respective jobs were cancelled. Today there was supposed to be a big snowstorm though the thing did not materialize. I have not been able to write either yesterday or the day before. Saturday my sister was here, and I ran for about a half hour, read for about a half hour, and played my trumpet for about a half hour. Yesterday, or Sunday, I went over to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Yesterday I read for about an

hour and played my trumpet for about a half hour. Unfortunately, right now I have a headache, which is kind of weighing me down. Right now it is raining or sleeting. The big snowstorm never came because of above-freezing temperatures.

My head does ache. Today I read for about an hour and a half. I miss writing in my journal really. I think that my dad is going to Italy this week, and I wonder how long he will be there who knows. I am glad that I got out yesterday. I wonder when the next appointment with James Bozzuto will be. I slept pretty well last night, but got woken up by the beep of the snowplows. Is there a form of the verb wake called woken? I hope that my grammar is not too bad. This medicine kills my spelling capacity. Last night, I listened to a CD of Mozart violin concertos that I took out from the library. The book that I am reading is all right, but it is kind of boring since I am not interested much in ancient warfare.

The discourse I am on now is about how fortresses are no good. Machiavelli says that fortresses are no good for keeping subjects in or for battles though I do not care much about fortresses. People do not really use fortresses much these days, except for when in modern times the Berlin Wall divided Germany into East and West. Machiavelli praises the Germans for their country, and I think that Machiavelli wrote in the early sixteenth century. My dreams are really spectacular, and they are all pretty positive these days.

I think that Machiavelli served in the army, but I am not sure. He wrote his books in a country house in the country. He did not write in a country house in New York City. There probably are no country houses in New York City. I wonder if he was married. Last night, I watched this terrible movie on television called 54, which was about this degenerate club though there was nothing else on, so I saw some of it. Then I changed the channel to a show about a fraternity, and this show was also kind of annoying though moral. The show had some moral lessons in it like in Aesop’s fables.

If it were snowing right now, it would be snowing hard because it is sleeting hard. I can see why schools and businesses would be closed today. My trumpet playing is going well, and I have gotten up to an F. Yesterday I played much of a short tune in the Arban’s book called “Anna Bolena.” There is even a high A-flat in there, which means of course a G-sharp. I had some trouble with this, as my range still needs more height to attain to the high notes that I used to hit. Still, I am very happy with how I am going, and I hope that sometime I can hit those higher notes.

Machiavelli in one part talks about artillery, and he thinks that it is the virtue of an army, not the artillery, that will win battles. He thinks that this applies even to modern times. He ranks on the modern formations of armies, such as one formation in which they go in single file to widen the ranks. At least I think that he thinks that modern armies have problems in formations. I am not sure about the single-file case though, and one can tell now that I am confused

about the single-file case. He thinks that modern armies should have much to learn from ancient Roman armies.

Yesterday, I took down a metal case for Mamaw. She never did tell me what she needed the case for, and I did not much mind taking it down. There were some files in it. Mamaw said that it was good to have a strong arm. I asked later what medicine Popee was taking, when he was given his medicine at the right time, and Mamaw answered that the medicine was Cinemet, which she said lessened tremors and controlled hallucinations.

I mentioned that I had heard of the medicine Natamycin, and Mamaw said that that sounded like a new Parkinson’s drug. My mom looked it up in the prescription guide, and it was an antifungal drug. Well, at least I had heard of it somewhere. Popee and I played four games of ping-pong, and he played better than he has played for a long time. The first two games the score was 21-17. Then I won by larger margins in the last two games. Popee said that I played well, and he seems to have gotten a haircut recently. He was wearing a blue sweater yesterday. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s with my mom. I do not know why my dad did not come. As usual, though, I did not wear a jacket.

I did not get to run yesterday, and I am probably not going to run today because of the bad weather. I hope that I will be able to run tomorrow though. Although I like to use the word run, what I really do is jog, and I go at quite a slow pace. There were times in my youth when I could run quite fast, and I do like running. I like other sports, such as soccer and tennis, more, but now this medicine prevents me from vigorous things. I would like to play soccer well, but the medicine is too powerful. The medicine really tranquilizes me. I can, however, still exercise in the form of walking and jogging.

I still can play other sports, like tennis, too, but I just cannot play them as well as I would be able to had I been oﬀ of this Zyprexa mexa. Today is a day in which I wish that I could be at the beach with a laptop computer or something. The rain is really pouring. I think that there was some snow last night. I have read one other book by Machiavelli, his most famous book called The Prince. An egotist would love the book, for Machiavelli made the book for a prince and writes as if to a prince. So, one feels kind of like a prince when reading it, as Machiavelli assumes that the reader is a prince. I think that he wrote it for a prince or a ruler, but I forget which one. The prince probably was from Italy, though, for Machiavelli is an Italian. The book is kind of boring and lifeless. I mean that the book does not have much writing important to the living of life for a writer such as I am. A book like the Decameron, The Faerie Queene, or Idylls of the King is more interesting. In a recent dream, when I was fighting a mean enemy, I conjured up the two superb authors Boccaccio and Spenser from the dead.

I am getting pretty far in Machiavelli. His book is called the Discourses, and

I should be finishing it up this week maybe. The next book that I will read will be by Nietzsche, but who knows if I will like it. The small book is called The Birth

of Tragedy, which started out as a complete failure though I guess that now that Nietzsche is famous it holds some merit. My obsessive-compulsive tendencies are annoying though my tendencies are by no means suicidal. I do not have suicidal tendencies like the heavy-metal group.

I hope that I will be able to play the trumpet tonight. There are some pretty decent pieces in the Arban’s book though most of them are pretty short. I only do practice now for about a half an hour per night. I hope that I will be able to run tomorrow. This is the snowstorm that never was. I do not know how good of a trumpet player I am though I seem to be improving slowly. I used to be a good trumpet player, but now I have to make up for lost time, as I told James Bozzuto. Well, I did not tell him that in exactly those words. I told him that when I got sick, I did not play the trumpet. I wonder when the psychiatrist will call. I might have an appointment this week if the psychiatrist does call.

I have been interested in following the fate of the University of Connecticut basketball team, and they are hoping that they get into the NCAA tournament though they have not had a great year. I think that the NCAA stands for the National Collegiate Athletic Association. I have not gotten my CDs yet, and I hope that they do come soon. I guess that ordering CDs from the Internet might not be such a good idea after all. Now I have got to end my entry for today though of course I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I hope that I will soon be able to finish Machiavelli, who seems to base all of his book on the ancient Italian historian Titus Livy. I read some of Livy at Trinity College. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader finds happiness. I will probably see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

Tuesday, March 6 2001

I have not been out exercising since Saturday. I have a feeling that I will not be exercising for a while. Right now it seems to be sleeting, and the precipitation is coming down pretty heavily. I do not even know if I will be able

to finish this entry or not. I read Machiavelli for about an hour today. Machiavelli is a pretty good author, yet he bases his entire book on Titus Livy. Since I do not think that Livy is exactly a genius, I do not see why someone would write a book based on it. Still, considering this Machiavelli has written a pretty good book.

Right now there is a wintery mix of sleet and snow. I was able to read Machiavelli all right today so far. The book is kind of boring, and I suﬀer from being out of touch with the proper books. I have no way to understand Einstein’s theory of relativity because I do not have the math and physics books for it. I am far more interested in the natural sciences than in math. I think that Popee was a double major, but I am not sure. His job at Pratt and Whitney required a lot of math.

Snow now covers all the ground, and it probably will be a while before it melts. I feel tired and depressed, which are clear signs that I am on Zyprexa.

The medicine messes up the amount of dopamine in my brain. I feel tired though partly because I have not been outside for a long time. My CDs have not come yet. So much for good business though I hope that they come sometime. Yesterday night I had a headache so that I could not play my trumpet, but instead brought my comic books down from the attic and looked through a couple.

My dad left for Italy today, and he wrote that he would be back in about a week. So the flight was not cancelled today. Yesterday I looked through some comic books.

I looked through a couple issues of The New Mutants. The art was pretty decent for a comic book, as a comic book is usually not Botticelli. I liked The New Mutants series when I looked through it last night. I used to collect many diﬀerent comics. I liked many diﬀerent ones, like The Green Lantern, Thor, The Punisher, and Spider-Man. I have some pretty valuable comics, but I never had enough money to buy the super-expensive comic books. James Bozzuto has not called yet, so I might not be going this week. My obsessions are still with me, and they are surprisingly strong right now.

I hope that I will be able to read Machiavelli today. I miss running very much. I will bet that the roads are pretty poor for running right now. I wish that I could be reading a chemistry textbook today, but I have to settle for a boring book that is not too boring. I seem to have read all that is worth reading in literature, and now I have to settle for the secondary figures. I have no access to chemistry texts, and I feel that I could really learn a lot if I did chemistry. I do not have much left of Machiavelli. I wonder how much longer this sleet will last, and when I will be able to run again. Well, I am about through with this entry now. I hope that I will be able to write in this journal again tomorrow. So, I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader continues reading my journal. Bye bye.

Wednesday, March 7 2001

I probably am getting out of shape. Today I did not feel like reading the boring Machiavelli book, so I started The Wizard of Earthsea though, go figure, I found the book more boring than Machiavelli. The Wizard of Earthsea is a fantasy book, but I found it without much fantasy. I went for a walk today around the Windsor Library, that hunk of junk. So, the fantasy book was a bust and a bane.

I thought that the book might be a nice change of pace, but it was not and made my apathy about books even worse.

I am sure that I would like chemistry or physics. I hope that I will be able to run tomorrow. My CDs not coming in yet really annoys me. So, books are disappointing me. I have read all the great works of literature, and now I have to read secondary titles. Snow covers the ground. I feel sad right now over my book situation, and I naturally also feel sad from the decreased amount of dopamine

this Zyprexa brings about. I passed an old woman on my walk. I wish that I had run today, but a walk was all right too. I read thirty-eight pages of the fantasy book in about an hour, and the book was not diﬃcult to read. I feel quite melancholy right now.

Last night I saw the worst shows. Then there was a terrible movie on. In both cases, there was nothing else to watch, so I did not change the channel.

Nothing was on last night. The “Law and Order” show depicted these pathetic adults. They were pathetic and weak. The husband did not say much, and the wife was insane. I regret ever seeing that show, which should not have been on television due to its content. I miss running. I miss being outside. The fantasy book was about this boy named Ged, who went to this place called Roke to become a wizard. He had to leave his teacher, Ogion, to go. Before he was an apprentice of Ogion, I think that he lived in a small village.

I dreamt last night that I was being taken to a leader of evil men. I escaped the van by punching out a window. I jumped out, but there was going to be a watch set up and people sent after me. I wanted to escape to the place where the good people were. First, I had to get through the land of the bad people. The bad people were just sitting around on the grass, and they thought that they were in heaven. I had trouble climbing a hill. So, I wished that there were steps and then suddenly steps to climb appeared. I climbed the steps and reached a small room. I had to pass a test to get through this particular area, or level, as they might say in a video game. I was hungry, and I had to choose what to eat.

If I chose wrong, then one of my lives would be over.

I thought hard about what to choose. The choices were a dirty pencil eraser, some other things that I do not remember, and a glass. I drank the glass, and on a computer screen I was depressed to find that I had drunk poison and that one of my lives had gone. I knew that if I could not pass this initial place, then I would never make it intact to the good people. I still had some lives left, though, and knowing this the dream ended.

I feel awfully depressed now though today is sunny. I live a provincial life here, and I want to be someplace else. I want to be in Austria or Switzerland. I am so bored in Windsor, as there is nothing to do here. I have no good book to read, and the next book that I might read will be The Birth of Tragedy, which will be boring. My mom is at work now. I wonder if the CDs are in today. This medicine really messes me up. I wish that I was on aspirin or orange juice, sugar or ice cream. I could be put on ten milligrams or even much more of ice cream. I feel awfully tired. Dostoevsky seems to think that the people who rule the multitude really have no direction, and I think that this is true. The people who rule are men of leisure. I feel awfully depressed now, and I do not know what to do. As I was saying, the people who rule the multitude really are men of no direction.

The people who rule only know how to rule. Men are born to work, but the people who rule do not work. So, there is irony here. Well, I just feel too

emotionally tired to talk about that now. I might read this afternoon. I wonder how fast the latest iMac computer model is, but I will bet that it is pretty fast. My iMac is probably obsolete now. The Windsor Library is across the street from me. I can see it outside my window, and the building is nothing special. I miss seeing Trinity College. The view outside the window in front of my computer is nice, for I can see a small forest in front of me. Of course, all the trees are without leaves though the pine trees have leaves on them. Also, the tree in front

of my window has some old leaves on it. God helps me not to loose patience, and without Him I would be stuck. I hope that I will be able to read Machiavelli today. I feel awfully tired right now. I really miss running. Well, I am going to end this entry now. I have written about a full entry. Bye bye.

Friday, March 9 2001

Today I am only going to write for about a half hour. The steam express of Jonathan Taylor Failla has slowed down. Yesterday I did not write or do much academics, and I reviewed Russian for about an hour, ran for about a half hour, and played my trumpet for about a half hour. Today I read for about fifty minutes. I am nearing the end of the Discourses, which is well written, and I do like it. Right now it is raining out, and it is pretty cold outside. It seems that spring has not come yet. Anyway, I slept very well last night. Like I mentioned earlier, I worked on the Russian language yesterday. I reviewed a tiny fraction of the stuﬀ in Russian that I studied for at Trinity College. I took an intensive year of Russian at Trinity College, and I did well in the course.

I think that I have a talent in language, and I believe that I am more talented in languages than in anything else. I liked studying Russian yesterday. Last night I listened to my new Wagner CD, and I was disappointed. Although I thought that Wagner would be a genius, I was disappointed to find that he was average. Right now the rain has changed to sleet, and I think that I see some wet snowflakes falling too. Yesterday I played “Anna Bolena,” “Andante from a Major Symphony,” and “The Carnival of Venice” on my trumpet. At the same time I also looked over some words of Mozart’s Requiem, which is like a choral piece and which is in Latin.

Before I played my trumpet yesterday, I took five minutes to look over some of the words both in English and Latin from the pamphlet, which came with the CD. I feel bad that the Wagner CD was a bomb. The CD, moreover, was of shoddy quality, for the tracks were for the most part recorded in the sixties.

Therefore, I had to turn the volume down on my computer because it was so loud, and I attribute that to some problem in the digital remaster process.

The weather has been crazy lately. There has been so much snow, rain, and sleet. While it had been raining earlier, now it looks like snow though when the snow hits the roof, it melts immediately. I feel indiﬀerent about writing here for only a

half hour today. Last night, I watched a lot of television. I saw among other shows “Law and Order.” The past two nights “Law and Order” has been passable. I usually watch the news too, and nothing much has been happening there except for politics and school shootings. There was recently a violent school shooting in California. A boy opened fire on classmates and killed a couple, and he now faces life in prison.

I cannot imagine spending life in prison. I hope that I will be able to finish Machiavelli soon. I hope that I will be able to read Machiavelli tonight for about a half hour. He is talking about whether it is better to have a good general and a bad army or a bad army and a good general. Some of the stuﬀ that he talks about seems extraneous and superfluous. He mentions modern and ancient examples. He mentions the ancient writers Xenophon and Tacitus. Machiavelli lived in Florence, Italy. He mentions some of the war activities of that place, and he mentions Venice a lot too. I do not remember if I went to Florence, and I do not even remember if I went to Rome.

Machiavelli admires, to say the least, the ancient Romans, and he think that Italy would be better today if it would follow the war practices of the ancient Romans. Well, I have got to wrap up this short entry. I hope that I will write on Sunday. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee. I hope that the reader continues reading though I am not forcing him or her to necessarily read this journal, but I would be happy if he or she did. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Sunday, March 11 2001

Hi. Yesterday I was at Mamaw and Popee’s for a long time, and I had dinner over there. I also went to the bookstore and bought five books, and I used the gift certificate that Carol gave me for Christmas. Today I read for about an hour, and I am almost through reading Machiavelli. I feel awfully tired from the medicine. I exercised for about a half hour, but I could not keep up a jog continuously. Today is a nice day, and warm compared with the other days recently. Today I got something from Loomis, and they want me to donate money to their annual fund.

Ever since I have graduated, I have not given any money to Loomis Chaﬀee though I am not on a vendetta against the school. Last night, I watched television. I saw part of the movie The Day After and part of the movie Dangerous Minds. Tonight I think that I will listen to some Wagner. Last night I did not listen to anything. I already have listened to the first CD in the two-CD Wagner set twice, and I like most the first track, which I think is an overture from Rienzi.

I do not know why I do not give to the Loomis fund, but maybe I should. I was given a personal note in the mail that I got. I guess that Loomis is fed up with me. Loomis is important in my life. My mom is home, so I am kind of

nervous. I wonder how much my other classmates give to the Loomis annual fund. They on the average probably give more than I do. Maybe some day if I am famous I can give like a million dollars to Loomis. I have not been on campus in a while.

Snow still covers the ground. Right now the weather is clear. I wonder when the snow will finally melt. I did not get to write yesterday. I hope that I will continue to write, and though for this time and last time I will have written for only a half hour that will probably be temporary since I plan on going back to the hour entries I am used to. Yesterday I was out of the house for a long time, and I did not get to do any reading or jogging. I feel bad that I am going to give up playing my trumpet, but it appears that I cannot handle the stress of playing the trumpet every day though I am missing out on a lot.

Mamaw mentioned yesterday that Ivan, who is my uncle though I am not related to him, is selling ATMs and gets one hundred dollars for every one that he sells. He does not have as good a job as he used to. He used to make tons in the produce business. My cousin John is working in a fishing store. Mamaw might have said that Sarah and her family have an apartment. Popee played ping-pong very poorly yesterday, but the week before he played very well, so he was kind of angry about that.

Yesterday I saw some basketball at Mamaw and Popee’s. I had a good dinner yesterday, and I had lemon pie for dessert. I always have dessert at Mamaw and Popee’s when I am there. I shoveled the walk there. My mom made me some fresh-squeezed orange juice. My father is still in Italy. Tonight I think that I will look over the Vivaldi lyrics to the Gloria for about five minutes. I feel bad about not having any money to give to Loomis Chaﬀee.

Tonight I hope that I will be able to read some of Machiavelli for about twenty-five minutes. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to up my journal writing to an hour, and I think that I should write for an hour every time that I write. I do not think that I can say enough in a half hour really. Well, I am about through already with this short entry. I hope that I can get famous so that I can give Loomis a big donation to show my magnanimity and benevolence. I am oﬀ, fair reader. Bye bye.

Monday, March 12 2001

I do not know if I will be able to write a full entry today. I do not know how long that I will last. I feel tired, and I was not able to run constantly in my exercise today and had to walk for about half of the way. I guess that I feel kind of depressed. Today I read Machiavelli and Virginia Woolf. I read for about fifty minutes, which is ten minutes less than usual for one sitting. I finished Machiavelli, and I started A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf. Last night I listened to Mozart’s Requiem, which kind of got in my head to my dismay.

I do not feel that solid mentally now, and I went into writing this entry not knowing if I would make it the full distance. My exercise today was somewhat discouraging, for almost anyone is a better runner than I am. I feel tired right now. If I do not write here, though, I am afraid that I will be bored. There is nothing to do here but watch television. I feel so tired and actually quite paranoid too. I am afraid that it is bad to write a full entry; I fear that I am doing a bad thing.

So, that further complicates matters. I lack the courage to go on, and I must find the courage. I also do not know what to write about. Today is a beautiful day. I was doing so well last week with my reading, exercise, and trumpet schedule, but now everything has fallen apart. Things can fall apart so easily, and I do not think that I can go on. I just must try to find something to do now. I hope that I can keep up my entries still. Bye bye.

Tuesday, March 13 2001

Hi. My schedule has really been messed up ever since Thursday.

Unfortunately, I do not have a set schedule. I have been reading A Room of One’s Own, which is a really short book. The book is really good, though, and it is one of my favorites of Virginia Woolf. Unlike the book Three Guineas, Woolf in this book is not as angry about being a woman. She writes about other women writers, and she mentions Jane Austen among others. Yesterday I read for about two hours and forty minutes.

I had a lot of trouble writing yesterday. Right now it is cold out, and I even feel cold in this “room of my own” as Woolf would put it. Right now it is so cold that I am kind of loath to go running though I very well might. I wanted to make a strong showing in my journal today, for I have not been writing too well in it for the past week or so. I am hoping that I will be able to read Balzac and, if so, that Balzac will be a writer that I like. Last night I talked briefly with my mom about how I was having trouble doing academics lately, and she said that that must be a bother not to be able to read. She suggested that I go a day or two per week to a day-treatment program.

I should finish the quite short book that I am reading tomorrow or maybe even today. I do not feel that tired for some reason right now. I still have trouble getting up in the morning. Snow still covers the ground, and I wonder when the spring will come. Last night I read some of my book, and I have not read at night, like I did last night, for a long time. The talk with my mom helped, and when I talk to my mom, things improve. My dad is still in Italy, and he should be home soon.

I have been entertaining ideas of me publishing this journal for about the past year, but I am too shy for that. I have not written a full entry in about a week. So, this entry is important even though I have no clue how long I can keep up writing in my journal. My schedule has been torn apart of late by mental

illness no doubt. I hope that I will be able to exercise today though outside it looks awfully cold. My obsessive things have not gone away though I sure would like them gone. For example, I am now telling myself that I have to delete this entry before I go to sleep tonight. I just have to disregard those thoughts and to ignore them.

I still remember with horror the insults that I got on a day of running last week. I was running along when this motley group of boys or young men harassed me. They called me first a Loomie and then a f****t. They were such morons. I will bet that it is very cold outside. I probably will have to wear my Loomis Chaﬀee jacket if I do go running. The president of Trinity College is leaving to become the president of a college in Hawaii. I do not understand his logic, and he should have stayed at the college. Trinity College needs him, well maybe not.

I wonder if I will return to college, and I certainly want to. I just do not know if I will be able to do so. If I do return to college, I should probably take a summer school course this summer. There is not much that has been happening in the news lately. The stock market is down. What I found scary is that Russia is against the United States building a missile-defense system and that Russia will probably increase production of nuclear weapons if the United States missile shield is built. I thought that Russia was essentially bankrupt, but from what I hear in the news they have enough money to keep up their nuclear missiles.

I am just afraid for the future of the world, and I am hoping that there never will be a nuclear war. Yet it seems that the world is doomed for a nuclear war though maybe if the sides read this entry it may help them to end their hostilities and to restore peace. There is a tennis tournament going on now, and I think that it is in Florida at a place called Indian Wells. I do not think that there are Indian wells there though. I saw part of a match yesterday afternoon between Alex Corretja and Gaudio. The commentators were talking about how there were about six or seven players from Argentina, including Gaudio, that were in the top one hundred. I might have some Argentinian blood in me on my father’s side. So, I am through with the Italian Machiavelli. That the book had no conclusion is kind of annoying because he could have ended with some observation on ancient Rome to conclude the book of discourses on ancient Rome.

The Woolf book is about the role of women in society as far back as the sixteenth century, when she was totally servile to men. Woolf says that if there had been a woman who wanted to have been a writer in the sixteenth century and who had a gift of genius, she nevertheless could not become one because she could not get an education. This woman would likely kill herself or become crazy. According to Woolf, the women of that period worked in the house and could have no real profession. Woolf also said that the husband of the woman would be picked by the family and that she would have no say in it. Even the men recently said that women were morally, physically, and mentally inferior to men. Woolf thinks that the men say this to make themselves more powerful.

Men like feeling superior to women, and they need women to make themselves feel superior.

Woolf makes a good point though that in the fiction writings of men women are presented as great and as in some ways even superior to men. Yet in real life the women were opposite to the women portrayed by men in the fiction they have written from the sixteenth century and on. Woolf is not embittered and does not write with resentment. She did, however, seem to write with some resentment in Three Guineas, and I did not like this tone. So, I like A Room of One’s Own much better than that other book.

I hope that I am not getting psychotic. My schedule certainly has fallen apart though I have been able to do some of what I wanted. I hope that I will be able to exercise today. I would be happy if I could jog for about a half hour without stopping, but that is probably too much to ask since my jogging has not been going very well lately. At least I am able to walk all right. I wonder how well I would jog if I weighed twenty pounds less. Well, I do not know exactly what I will do today because my days in the last week or so have been quite unpredictable. I just hope that I will be able to continue reading. Well, now is about time to end this journal entry.

I hope that this entry will not be deleted tonight, as I have done with a couple of my entries some months back when my obsessions struck hard. I hope that the reader is alive and kicking though I might well be dead when the reader is reading this. Now I am oﬀ, but I hope that I will be able to continue writing in this journal. Farewell, fair reader. Bye bye.

Wednesday, March 14 2001

Hi. I finished A Room of One’s Own last night. Today I started Balzac. I woke up earlier than usual this morning. Balzac is pretty good, but I am afraid that he is somewhat pessimistic and depressing. He has a certain genius about him, though, and I guess that he has written about ninety novels. Today I read for about an hour and forty minutes. I exercised too though I am somewhat discouraged about the exercise. I was not able to run for a full half hour, so I had to do with running for about fifteen minutes and then stopping to walk for the same amount of time. Today is cold. My obsessions have been quite annoying lately and have been getting worse though I do not know why. I find myself repeating things, but I am happy that I do not have it worse oﬀ. I feel kind of low about not being able to run today. I wish that I just had the energy to run. I do not have the energy sometimes, though, and this is especially true in the morning hours.

Balzac was really funny in one part of the book. The French writers often talk a lot about French high society, and I kind of like when they do this. The French had a good society about them and have produced some of the best

writers of modern times, while the Romans and the Greeks having produced the best writers of ancient times.

I feel kind of depressed right now though I am not seriously depressed. I am actually glad that I have been able to read today. Lately my schedule has been thrown apart, but it appears like I still am able to do some academics. Last night I had an awful time listening to Wagner because the CD was too loud in parts, so I had to turn the player down. Then when the volume was low, I could not hear other parts, and I got really discouraged. I was annoyed at the producer of the CD, which was Decca Records. I thought that I could trust them, but I guess not.

They had some other good CDs that I have by the artists Prokofiev and Mozart. Those were all right, but the Wagner CDs are faulty. Snow still covers the ground. James Bozzuto called me last night, and I have an appointment for this Monday. He said that he has not seen me in a long time. I said that I was doing well. I wonder how the tennis tournament is going now. Clijsters was winning against the young Russian Elena Bovina yesterday. Rafter beat Rusedski, and I think that Hewitt beat Costa.

I am not sure who the top seed is in the tournament. Rafter was the eleventh seed. Today I walked through the neighborhood, but I did not pass anyone. When I was in the jogging part of my exercise, I had to stop to wait for a freight train to pass. The good thing about the trains at the Windsor train station is that they do not seem to hang around for long. I saw a young man standing outside the train station on a kind of deck, and inside the train station is an area where one can eat. One thing that is interesting about Balzac is that he described the boarding house that is the scene of the novel in the minutest detail to show how dingy and depressing the place really was.

On my run there was some rain that started, but then it petered out. I did not pass any other runners, nor did I see any other walkers. Sometimes I see the Windsor barber walking, the older barber. When I saw him last, he was wearing velcro white sneakers and brown pants. I pass the barber’s shop when I run. I need a haircut at the barber’s soon. I wore my Sport Hill blue pants and my Loomis jacket. I passed the diner and noticed two men sitting at a table, and I thought that I would never go to one of those places. There is a big dog in the dog pound now, and it is kept in a small cage like the others. Not many dogs were in the pound, or the case may be that most of the dogs were inside. Anyway, I get tired from running for even about fifteen minutes. I wish that this medicine did not make me so useless physically. Well, I am not useless.

The novel that I am reading is about these people living in a boarding house. Like I mentioned before, this fictional boarding house is an ugly thing to behold. Balzac in the beginning of the book said that all he wrote about was truth, but I have a feeling that that is truth in the sense of human nature, not in actual events. The book is about the protagonist called Goriot. The patrons of the boarding house use him as the butt of their jokes, and the owner of the

boarding house, whom Balzac describes as a nasty woman, used to like him though now she thinks the worst thoughts about him. Goriot has moved into lower and lower lodgings in the boarding house as his money seemed to disappear, and he obviously could not aﬀord very much.

The owner was always suspicious of him, especially when he had dealings with two women who came over and who were extremely well dressed. It turns out that they were his daughters though the owner mistakenly believes that they are his mistresses. The people living in the boarding house are described as poor people morally though Balzac does mention that there are a couple or several bright spots. One is a young woman who has a nice figure and who has some vitality to her.

I tried to find Balzac’s attitude towards women in the book since Woolf was talking about women in novels. Balzac is unconsciously mean towards the opposite sex, for he says essentially the main things that make a woman happy are love letters and love. He thinks that women are only good for loving men and for writing love letters. Balzac was born in the last year of the eighteenth century, so his views probably reflect the views of society then. Well, back to the book I will go. Goriot is seemingly very poor now, and he has to sell his precious silver that I think was from his wedding. Yet I cannot reconcile this with the fact that his two daughters appear to be quite rich, and I wonder how he is living in such poverty. There are two servants in the boarding house. One is named Christoph, and he is in charge of the locks and of running errands. The other is a woman, and I think that she might be the cook. It is sometimes hard to keep track of all the people in the boarding house though I think that there are only about ten of them. So far the book is a work of embittered genius.

There is not much on in the news these days. The economy appears to be slowing, and the stock market has fallen. There was a big deadly military mistake by the United States, when a plane dropped a bomb on some soldiers. The news is so boring that I do not want to talk about it. I have not mentioned God lately, but I still have faith that He will always be with me. He plays an important part in my life, and without Him I would lose a big part of myself indeed. I owe Him a lot. My obsessions surely are still quite annoying, and they make me do things that it is not right to do. Sometimes they are so strong that I have to give in to them though I try not to.

The book that I am reading is called Old Goriot. I do not remember if I mentioned the title. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” The listening to Wagner was a bust because of the poor quality of the CD, so I am disappointed about that last night. The CD would have been good too if the sound quality was better. I had a dream of epic proportions last night, and it would take a half hour to tell it in full.

Dreams like this are not too rare these days for me at least. I have quite excellent dreams. Last night, I dreamt that I was responsible for saving the world from destruction, but it was extremely complex. There were few -but men of

importance- on my side, and many -but corrupt- on the side of the man of ultimate evil. So, I am about finished with my entry for today. I will hopefully see the reader tomorrow. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, March 15 2001

Hi. Hello and greetings. Salve. Sdradvista, which sounds like hello in Russian. Today I was happy about my run, as I was able to run for a full half hour today without stopping. Today I read for about an hour and fifty minutes. Last night, I listened to the second Wagner CD. This time I programmed the CD so that it would omit the one loud track on it, and this track also had some singing in it so that I was glad to not have it. The Wagner CD was pretty good, but it was still not as impressive as Mozart’s or Vivaldi’s works.

Today I really was happy about my run. I had a lot of energy for some reason. Today I wore my Woolrich green polyester sweatshirt, which looks nice. I also wore my Trinity College pants, which are quite stylish. I would look nice in fashionable Paris society for a runner. Even my shoes were nice though they have some dirt on them like the mud that got on Rastignac’s shoes on his way to a fashionable lady’s house. Everything is about style in Paris and is in the details.

All of this is, of course, to me very vain. As one can tell clearly that I have been reading Balzac, one must be duly impressed with me. Sike, I am just kidding. Sike is a word that means I am just kidding with some bit of hostility towards the other party. The word is obviously slang. The Balzac novel is pretty good and is not particularly long. Today was quite warm, and the snow is quickly melting.

So, I did not need my Loomis jacket today.

Yesterday, my mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I could have gone, obviously, but I decided to stay at home. I guess that I might not be too social, but I just really like to read. Today my run was quite successful. I saw a young man and a young woman on the porch outside of the train station. On my run down Broad Street, I passed a man and a young man, and I saw the young man working at Arthur’s Drug Store several months ago. For as long as I can remember he has been around Windsor. The men were in a car parked on the grass, and there was a for-sale paper sign on the window of the car.

I noticed on the way back home on my run that it was for sale for one thousand dollars. The car was a small red one, and I think that it was a Toyota. The sidewalks still have some water on them, but there is not enough to form any substantial puddles though there is probably just enough to get some dirt on my already kind of dirty Air Maxes. There were some people by the bus stop. I think that the people by the bus stop were all black, and I see a lot of blacks in Windsor on my runs, it seems. I saw a dog at the dog pound, and it was quite big with a green sign over it that said “quarantine.” The dog seems nice enough, though, and quite calm.

I am reading Balzac still. So far, the novel is about a young man named Rastignac, who wants to go into Parisian society via a cousin of his named Beauséant and who is giving up on his law studies in going into it, and he plans to cram when his exams come up. He is still in school, but he is not doing any work because of his interest in entering society and finding a woman. I am pretty sure that Rastignac is quite young. In my opinion, Rastignac is covetous and greedy to want to enter society, when doing so is such a risk, because he is forfeiting any possible future that he might have being a lawyer to support his poor family, which, by the way, is paying for him getting through law school and which has the highest hopes for him. I think that Rastignac is greedy because he wrote a letter to the members of his family imploring and begging them to sell their jewels and clothes and to give him the money from them. He tells them that he needs the money and wants to buy fancy gloves and all the accoutrements of the men in high society.

In the background is old Goriot, whose two daughters Rastignac has had his eye upon though Rastignac recently has given up on one of them, who will not receive him because he mentioned her father’s name. Rastignac found out a lot about Goriot, or at least he found out some of that which Balzac tells the reader about. Goriot used to be a very successful man. He would do anything for his daughters and still will though the daughters, as Balzac says, were torn apart from relations with their father by their respective husbands, who were ashamed of him. So now Goriot has been ditched by his daughters, who are well oﬀ in terms of money.

Rastignac now has much more respect for Goriot once he has found out Goriot’s story. Goriot has been the laughingstock of the entire boarding house before, but maybe he will be respected more now, as Rastignac said that anyone who messes with Goriot would have to answer to him. Balzac is a smart person. I guess that he knows something of Parisian society, and he certainly knows something about human nature. Some of his novels are under the title The Human Comedy. I think that Balzac was a self-taught writer kind of like myself.

I think that writing has always been a challenge for me. My education at present is as inexpensive as education comes. All I need is a book and a computer, running shoes and a sweatshirt. Well, there are other parts needed also for my education. Without the support of my family, I would likely not be in an ideal situation at present but in a situation less than ideal.

Balzac is, among other things, very smart at using conversation. His quotes are really good, by which I mean the words that he puts into other people. That last sentence was awful. I was impressed by the advice Balzac made Beauséant give Rastignac about getting into society. I do not remember much of what she said, but she said that Parisian society was vain. Well, she was more specific, and she said that the men in society were very vain. I admit that I am impressed by all the talk of society, as in a way I too long for high society in some place like Paris.

I have read about high society in Paris and in Russia though I have not read much about it in other places. Anna Karenina has a lot of society. I remember the characters Count Vronsky and Stepan in Anna Karenina. I think that Stepan’s last name was Arkadyevich; well, it was something like that. The end of the book is very suspenseful, but I do not want to reveal the plot. I liked Anna Karenina the book very much though I was not able to read it a second time around, when I guess that I just was not interested enough. I guess that there is some society in The Brothers Karamazov too though I do not think that there were any balls, which Anna Karenina had. In the plot of Dostoevsky’s book The Brothers Karamazov there was only that conflict within the family.

Well, I am getting kind of tired of academics now. I mean that I am getting physically and mentally tired, but am not losing my interest. Last night I slept well. There are some really beautiful flowers that have come up in front of the house, and I think that these purple and yellow flowers are called crocuses. The birds still have to come back from down South. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” There is not much on the news really except for bad news about the United States economy. The stock market has fallen a lot. There is a lot of trouble with the economy in Japan, causing the United States market to fall some, I guess. I wonder how the players are doing at the tennis tournament going on now. I think that the tournament is being played in Indian Wells, California. Pete Sampras and Kuerten played pretty good matches. Well, I am pretty exhausted, so I had better wrap up this entry. I hope that the reader is all right and keeps up hopes alive for themselves. I am oﬀ, fair readers. Bye bye.

Friday, March 16 2001

Today I am only going to write for about a half hour because I did not sleep last night. I am looking forward to listening to Requiem tonight and to following along in the Latin. Now I thought that I would tell about a dream that I had last night. I dreamt that I was an important person. I had a powerful silver ring with a diamond in the middle that made me quite powerful. I do not remember too much, but I will say what I remember. I brought it to Loomis Chaﬀee, and my first opponent was Ronald Marchetti. He had had more experience using spells, as he was older, so he assaulted me with some kind of lightning spell. I had to just punch.

Another part of the dream had me on a bus with some kids. I was sitting in the rear of the bus, and with me were kids who had already died but who through some merit got to live again as kids. With me was a man named Feingold, and I guess that in reality he is a politician. I also saw Clinton. He was a young man, and probably he was in his late teens or early twenties. I thought that he got to live again because he had been powerful. My mouth was filling with bubble gum, and I had to take the gum out in clumps. Thus I knew that I was dying. So, I had to get my teeth pulled out, and sacrifice one life to get

another new life. A kid sitting near me did the operation. He squirted a painkiller into my mouth, and I saw on a type of screen how he cut out the faulty teeth with something like a knife. I saw the all-new teeth that I had on reserve from my other life on the bottom, and I was glad of the new teeth.

I also dreamt that I was playing this game with Bruce Angelo and some other kid. The game entailed going near a cliﬀ and them coming back up and grabbing a net like a hammock to complete the game. Bruce went down the hill towards the cliﬀ and then came back all right. I would not go down the hill, and I had to crawl to get to the net because I was so afraid of falling even as near to the hammock I was. I could hardly move as I was paralyzed with fear. I also dreamt that I was on a ski vacation. I was dismayed to see Andrew Gray there; I knew that he was bad news. I found myself in an uncomfortable situation that Andrew had gotten me into. A man wanted to shoot me with a gun. I ran away, but I was not able to run fast. The man was trying to shoot me. When I was in safety some days later at my house, I heard that I had been essentially captured by Andrew’s group of drug users. I had been forced to drink alcohol, and I was drunk almost to the point of death for two whole days. The terrible group had saved me from death from feeding me carrots. When I returned home, I noticed that one of my ribs was sticking out of my stomach, and I realized that it was broken. I thought that I would have to go to the hospital, but my dad said that I did not have to go.

Now I have pretty much told all the dreams I had last night, but as one can see I can only remember scraps of them.

I also dreamt that I was on a motorcycle with this woman friend, and she was pretty attractive. She was out to show me a good time. Then my cousin Sarah rode past and reminded me that I could have a better friend than this woman if I wanted. Sarah represented the carefree spirit, and I wondered if I could find a woman like Sarah instead of the woman carrying me then. Then I was at Loomis with a nice motorcycle and was preparing to ride on the quad. Yet someone had attached a board to the tire, and I could not ride it to my dismay.

Popee was really mad about this because he wanted to see me happy and riding it. The motorcycle was an old one, and I thought that it looked like one from an Indiana Jones movie. Popee was mad at someone, and he was young then and mentioned something about the teamsters. I felt embarrassed that I could not ride the motorcycle, as I had been really excited about looking nice at Loomis on the motorcycle.

Well, now I certainly have told almost all of the dreams that I remember from last night. I have a lot of dreams every night though I do not talk about them too much in my journal. Last night I listened to some Vivaldi, but I was discouraged because I did not look in the little booklet that came with the CD. So I could not understand what the singers were signing in the Gloria and the Magnificat. I had already read a lot yesterday, and I did not want to read even more at night. Well, it was tough listening to the pieces without looking in the booklet for the Latin words.

Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” I am still reading Old Goriot by Balzac. Today I had a very nice run, and I was able to keep up jogging for about a half hour. Well, I am about through now. I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow, so I will probably not write in the journal tomorrow. I am oﬀ now. I hope that the reader is keeping his or her spirits pretty well. Bye bye.

Sunday, March 18 2001

Hi. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I was there for such a long time since I stayed for dinner. The dinner was a special St. Patrick’s Day dinner with cabbage and meat. I like cabbage very much. Today I read Balzac for about an hour. Mamaw asked me the title of the book that I was reading, and I said that it was Old Goriot. She was surprised. She asked me who wrote it, and I said “Balzac.” She said no wonder she was not able to recognize the name of the book.

Balzac is not as popular as some other authors like Flaubert. The snow is quickly melting. Today I had a terrible time trying to get some exercise, but in the end I was able to bike for about a half hour. I went out for a bike ride, and this is what happened. I was freezing because of the cold wind, so I had to go back home and put a jacket on. So I went outside and then was able to bike all right, yet having to go back home while on my way was kind of discouraging. I also was mad about the wind being so cold and so pervasive. I was really cold only in my sweatshirt on my way out. I had to go all the way home and then put on a jacket to finish my bike ride, thus I ended up going to the train station.

Yesterday I saw Mamaw and Popee and had dinner over there. Popee and I played ping-pong, and I was happy to see that he played better than he did last week. I saw a lot of basketball yesterday on television. I watched the Duke versus Missouri game, and Duke won handily as expected. I also saw a Maryland game, and I think that they were playing Georgia State. Right now is the middle of so-called March Madness for basketball fans, but I like tennis much more than basketball. There is a tennis tournament going on right now in Indian Wells.

Yesterday there was the women’s final between Kim Clijsters and Serena Williams. I hope that I will be able to catch some of the men’s matches, which are still going on. I would like to see Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi in the finals of Indian Wells. Yesterday night I watched some of a movie. Anyway, last night I also listened to Mozart’s Requiem, and I followed along with the words this time. The chorus sung in Latin. So, I followed along with the Latin and looked at the English translation too. I like Requiem very much, but I will not listen to it much because one has to follow along with the translation. The whole piece is about forty-three minutes long, and there is singing for pretty much the whole time.

The gist of the piece is that Mozart hopes for eternal rest, or in Latin aeternum requiem, for the faithful.

I probably should talk some about my social visit to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. For dinner I had meat, cabbage, beans, candied carrots, and apple sauce. The dinner was really good. I did not much want to stay over initially, though, and I put up a big fuss inside myself about it. I did not tell anyone when I had this fuss though I was pretty angry about having to stay over for dinner, and I just did not want to be away from home for so long because of two reasons.

First, I did not feel comfortable away from the house, where I feel safe. Second, I did not want to miss running and reading. Yet I stayed, and I guess that I had a decent time.

I always do like to see Mamaw and Popee. So, after dinner I had some apple pie. Popee said that I had a red tint in my hair, and I am not sure what he meant by this. Maybe he meant that it was redder than before. Popee and I played ping-pong, and he played well. Popee said that it would be good if the games eventually would be closer than they were. He always asks me if anything is new. My dad told everyone about his mother in Italy. I guess that she cannot feed herself, and that must be a terrible situation really. I guess that she is ninety-one years old now.

My mom, Mamaw, and Popee talked about two of my aunt’s former husbands. Their names were Ron and Rob, and I found myself sitting after dinner listening to them talking about these men, whom they do not like.

Mamaw said that one of them, I forget which, brainwashed my aunt Ann into thinking that she did not want a baby. One of them also, according to Popee, thought that he was good at tennis, but, when they played, Popee found out that he was pathetic at it. The former husband threw his racquet down when he lost. They ended the personal discussion of Ann by talking about how she was pretty happy with Jim now.

Mamaw had said that Ann would have liked to have had kids before, but that by the time she married Jim she was too old. After Mamaw incited me to add some insight, I said that I remember how Ann and Jim took me for dinner in Florida and that I had had some grits. Mamaw asked me if I would like to go down to Florida, and I said that I would like to but that I was uncomfortable being away from home. I added that I wondered if that could change. I mean that I would like more than anything to get away from home, but this illness is harsh in me trying to go very far. The dinner last night was quite good.

I am reading Balzac, like I said. So far, Rastignac is trying to get together with some woman with a name like Recingen, who is the daughter of old Goriot. So far, he is succeeding in winning her heart. Rastignac is slowly being inculcated into high society in Paris, and the young men around him are envious even. He is admired because he is a cousin of Beauséant, who is of the highest society, and because he is an admired man of Recingen.

Rastignac won a lot of money for Nucingen at her request. Her last name is Nucingen as I just checked the book. Madame de Nucingen asked him to take some money and to gamble with it. Rastignac knew nothing about gambling

because he did not gamble. He bet it all on a number at a roulette table, and he won. He brought Madame de Nucingen many francs back, and she was ecstatic and then told him about all of her troubles with a husband, whom she does not have a very good relationship with.

Rastignac is beloved by old Goriot because he has connections with Goriot’s daughters. Goriot lives for his daughters. He does not like his son-in- laws. Rastignac wants to move from the Vauquer boarding house, but I doubt if he has enough money to do it. He absolutely loved going to the Italiens to listen to music with Madame de Nucingen. Now Rastignac might have a better chance too of seeing Madame Restaud, who is also Goriot’s daughter. Goriot has two daughters, and they are all well oﬀ in wealth but have lousy husbands.

Rastignac surely has high aspirations. Everything started for him with the finding out that he was related to Beauséant, who is a lady of the highest society, and Balzac says that the women who hang with her are of the highest constellations in the whirl of Parisian society. Well, I say that, but he said that in diﬀerent words. I kind of like my spin on it. Anyway, my obsessive-compulsive demons have really taken hold of me lately in this entry, so I will have to try to ignore the things.

I hope that the tennis tournament will be on today so that I can see part of the match between Lleyton Hewitt and Andre Agassi. I like Hewitt’s attitude, but some of the players on tour do not because he pumps his fist and yells after the points. Andre Agassi is considered old on the ATP tour though I do not know what ATP stands for. Maybe it means something like the Association of Tennis Professionals. Well, Agassi is seeded number four in the tournament, and Hewitt is something like sixth or seventh seeded.

Pete Sampras was to play in the other semifinal, and I hope that Agassi and Sampras meet in the final. Yesterday I listened to Requiem by Mozart. The tune is very catching, especially the initial part. The piece is full of energy. I am disappointed with the Richard Wagner CD that I got, especially after all the hoopla associated with him. I heard of him initially from Wolfgang von Goethe. Yet Wagner seems presumptuous, and he is not much of a musician from what I hear of the overtures and preludes on the CD though I hate to be negative. I wonder if I ever will get a chance to listen to Vivaldi’s Gloria and Magnificat along with following along with the words. I probably would like listening to the pieces, but I am busy doing other things.

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment, and I wonder what will come of it and what questions he will ask me. I am about through writing for today. I hope that I will be able to keep up writing here. After I write today, I think that I will rest some. I plan on reading for about a half hour after dinner, but who knows if I will. I mean by this that I do not want to say that I will for sure, but I hope that I will be able to read for a half hour after dinner. I am oﬀ, fair reader.

Bye bye.

Tuesday, March 20 2001

I had an awful day yesterday because I went all the way to Hartford for nothing. I waited for ten minutes, and then I knocked on his door. He came out. He said that he was sorry. I set up an appointment for Wednesday though I asked him if I could see him next week. He thought that I should see him this week since I have not seen him in a long time. So, yesterday was ruined. Now I have to go to see James Bozzuto on Wednesday.

Yesterday I read for about two hours and ten minutes, but I did not run or write. Mamaw and Popee had invited me over yesterday, but I decided not to go because I did not want to be out too long. I am freezing right now, yet my obsessions are telling me not to wear a sweater. Well, yesterday Balzac got interesting. There was a man, in Madame Vauquer’s boarding house, who was an escaped convict and who was going under the false name Vautrin. Madame Michonneau drugged his coﬀee and checked his body to see if there was a prison number branded on him, and it turned out that there was. She got a reward from the police. Vautrin had had a man killed so that a young woman in the boarding house would get all of her father’s inheritance and would be open for Rastignac to marry her. Yet Rastignac has no such plans at present, and he is focused on Madame de Nucingen.

The snow is melting quickly. Yesterday I had to drive all the way to the doctor’s, then wait ten minutes, and then drive all the way home. He made an error, and now I have to go out tomorrow to see him. Right now I am freezing to death. The birds are not really around. I wonder when it will get warmer. There is still some snow on the ground. Yesterday on my drive, I saw some kids getting home from school. I saw one with a violin and then, later on, one with a smaller instrument, which might have been a clarinet or a flute. There was a crossing guard there to help the kids get across the street. I noticed that there was a sign that said that some apartments were for sale. I think that they were called Sisson Apartments, thus they might have been on Sisson Avenue. There were quite a few people on the sidewalks in Hartford.

I was behind a bus at one point, and it seemed that I got a lot of red lights. Driving a Toyota is so boring. If I was driving a Porsche, that would be a diﬀerent story altogether. Yet I had to drive a boring Toyota wagon to Hartford yesterday. Also, I did not write in my journal yesterday. I probably will not write in my journal tomorrow either because of the appointment. So, I have neglected my journal for this week, but I hope that I can make up for it in the coming weeks.

God has given me patience, and I look to Him for help. I have not been to Loomis Chaﬀee in a long time. I cannot say much about my trip into Hartford yesterday because there was not much to see.

All I saw were traﬃc lights and cars. There was just urban sprawl to see. There was nothing of note. The parking lot in the oﬃce complex was not too full, and there were some nice cars including a maroon Lexus. People in these

buildings are rich. There is usually a green Acura there, but it was not there yesterday. Yesterday night I listened to Dvorak, and my liking the CD very much is a change from my dismal Wagner CDs. I have to bring back my library CDs to the library on Thursday. The CDs are due on the twenty-third, and maybe I will bring them in on Monday. I have not listened much to the CD that I got at the library. Yesterday I did not get to run or ride my bike.

I miss exercise, but I hope that I will be able to get some today. I need to be outside some. I am lucky that I am not in the inner city, where it is very diﬃcult to run on the sidewalks. Yesterday afternoon before going to the psychiatrist I saw part of this boring movie about a teen gone bad. Then last night I saw the news and “Law and Order.” There is nothing much on the news, and “Law and Order” was boring. I do not know if I mentioned this before, but for the final in Indian Wells the players were Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi. The match was really fun to watch, and Agassi was ahead two sets to nothing when I turned oﬀ the television. I have not been out to exercise since Sunday. I am looking forward to exercising. Last night at around ten I read for about forty minutes, and I usually do not read late in the night like that.

I slept pretty well last night, but I woke up early this morning because of my parents getting ready for work. My father has started up work at Loomis again. I am still reading Balzac, and I am nearing the end of the book. I like the book, and I wish that it was not so hard to find Balzac books. The book is about Rastignac mostly, and old Goriot plays a huge role too. All that Goriot cares about a lot are his two daughters, Anastasie and Delphine. He cares more about them than anyone else though he likes Rastignac now for his taking a liking to Delphine. Rastignac probably is going to live with Delphine de Nucingen though her husband is trying to take all her money away.

She will be left with nothing. She tells this to her father in extreme distress, and her father is furious at her husband. I wonder what will happen to Victorine, whose brother was killed indirectly by Vautrin in order to secure her to be Rastignac’s wife. I wonder how Rastignac will handle that situation. Madame Vauquer is all in a tizzy because she is losing many of her boarders, and she does not know how she will get on. Rastignac, Madame Michonneau, Goriot, and Vautrin have already left, and there were probably more that left too. Christophe and Sylvie are the two servants at the Vauquer boarding house, and they play a role in the novel too. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house yesterday, but I am really looking forward to seeing them soon. I am not, however, looking forward to going to the doctor because it takes oﬀ so much time from academics and because it threatens to ruin my life. I am planning on printing out my recent journal next week, and I think that I will have a lot to print.

So, tomorrow I will have to go to the doctor’s. When I went yesterday, he was talking to someone in his oﬃce. He seems to have a lot of patients. That last sentence could also be heard as saying that he has a lot of patience, but I meant patients as in people. I am looking forward to going out and running, and I hope

that it is not too cold out today. Today might just be the first day of spring or near to it. It might just be the first day of spring. I wonder when the birds are going to come back; all the birds are still South it seems. I wonder what my old friends are doing now.

I wonder what people like James Ristas, Bruce Angelo, Josh Devin, Amilca Gomes, the two Jessicas, Erin Kyer, and Pamela are doing. They probably have jobs somewhere, and they might even be married by now, as they are all about my age. I wonder where they all live, and what they do. Thinking of these people, I kind of wish that I was in college, where I could be around a lot of people, yet I am pretty happy here at home reading and writing. My friends are Balzac, Marlowe, and others. I read these books and so keep alive the works of smart men of the past, yet they are not my friends really because I know only their works, not the men. My only connection with the outside world is the television. Now I have got to go. I hope that I will be able to write more next week, and I hope that I will be able to at least write well this week. I am oﬀ now, but not before wishing the finest health to the reader and hoping that the reader even in ill health keeps up his or her spirits. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, March 22 2001

Hi. Yesterday I finished Old Goriot, which ended with the death of Goriot. He finally saw at his end how is daughters, whom he loved more than anything, had not the reciprocal respect for him, and he felt deserted by them. Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist. This was the second time during the week that I had to go, and I nearly died on the way over because of a lane change of mine on the roads. When one does not have practice on the road, one can easily crash.

Yesterday I was only able to read for about an hour and run for about a half hour. I feel awfully depressed right now, and if I had not had to go out yesterday risking life and limb, I might feel pretty well right now. I did not like going out yesterday at all, at all. I had a good run yesterday, and I passed two people and one dog.

I am reading The Prince and the Pauper right now. The book is pretty good, but I do not like it as much as reading Balzac. The next book that I think that I will read is Lost Illusions by Balzac. Now my obsessions are telling me that I cannot read this book because the initial three letters in the word illusions look the same when I write them. I just hope that this silly thought will not cause me not to read the book that, by the way, seems to have so much promise.

So, I did not write yesterday, and after I got home, I did not much feel like doing anything for the night. I got nervous driving, for I was risking life and limb. There was some traﬃc yesterday. There was a sign that said that some potholes were being fixed by Exit 33. I was afraid that I could not take my exit and would end up on a road straight to Waterbury. I was relieved to find that my exit was not closed, but I had been scared nearly half to death. Then I had to

change lanes where there were a lot of cars, and eventually I just decided to change lanes after a quick glance over my shoulder.

Fortunately, I did not get into an accident. At the appointment itself, I was asked tons of questions. He asked me what I was reading, how long I read, why I was feeling well, if my dad was on sabbatical yet, what my favorite season is, where the dog was that kept me up and unable to attend the last appointment, how my grandparents were doing, whether my parents wanted me to go to school, what course I would take at Trinity College for the summer, if I was a good writer, and when the last time was that I wrote a paper. Yesterday I watched a lot of television because I was demoralized from my drive and break in schedule though I had a good run, for I ran two loops of the River Trail. It was raining lightly yesterday as it is today.

Today I biked three loops of the River Trail. I passed two couples, one old the other young. I think that the older couple was mother and son, while the younger couple were high-school friends or were going out. The younger couple were carrying an umbrella, while the older one were wearing big winter coats.

My bike rode well though I have some dirt patches on the bottom of my Trinity College pants from the cogs on my bike.

The bike is really a nice one, especially for its low cost. Yesterday I watched part of that Beverly Hills show with Brandon, Kelly, and the others. The show is addictive, and then I watched an hour of the news and saw “Law and Order.” Since my dad had dorm duty until eleven o ‘clock, I had to stay up, and I watched a bit of a show that had a mentally-ill person in it. “Law and Order” was about this guy who killed a young girl, so the subject matter was not too fun to watch. The news was about power blackouts, too much arsenic in drinking water, and livestock.

Television really is no good. Today I biked, and it was drizzling out. There were some puddles on the River Trail, but it is nice to finally get back on the trail. I like biking on the trail much more than biking on the streets, and I hope that I will be able to ride tomorrow too. I wonder when the spring weather is going to be here, though, for today was really cold. I had to wear my jacket on the bike ride, and I rode for about a half hour. Today I also was reading The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain.

The book is about these kids who trade places. The prince trades places with the pauper is what I mean, and the kids both look alike so that it was easy to do. The book is quite short, and kids may read it because it is not diﬃcult to understand. The book is not as good as Balzac though it is a bit more lighthearted. I did not know that Twain even wrote this book before I saw it in the bookstore. So far in the book, this boy named Tom Canty read a lot about royalty and risked going to try and catch a glimpse of the prince of England. He met the prince, and they decided to trade places, as the other’s life seemed more interesting than their own lives. The royalty thinks that the prince has gone mad,

and the poor Canty family thinks that their son is mad too though in reality they are both quite sane.

The prince does not like being beaten up by Tom Canty’s father, and Tom Canty cannot seem to get any time to himself without being surrounded by servants who even have to take oﬀ his boots. The mother of Tom Canty and a noble of the prince both suspect that those boys are who they are, but those two people are the only ones who think that. I just started The Prince and the Pauper yesterday, and I am looking forward to reading Balzac. I read for about an hour today. I hope that I will be able to read for about a half hour today, and then starting tomorrow I can begin a routine of more reading that I hope that I can follow some days next week, when I am not printing my journal or bringing back my CDs to the Windsor Library.

I am looking forward to seeing Mamaw and Popee on Saturday. I did not see them this week, but I want to see them soon. I would like to play ping-pong and eat a donut as I usually do over there. I hope that they were not disappointed that I did not go yesterday though maybe I should have. The dinners now are not as good as they were when my mom was making the dinners with my dad in Italy. My mom made a good kielbasa dinner recently. I hope that the sun is out tomorrow, as it is not out much today. Right now it is gray out, and the crocuses have kind of fallen over. There is not much snow on the ground, but the grass has not come out a bright green yet. Right now it is quite cold out, and it might still be drizzling, as it was when I was on my bike ride.

I have not gotten to write as much as I wanted this week, but I still have written pretty well. I saw a cardinal on the River Trail today, and it was nice to see. The river is running, and there is still some snow and ice in the marsh though the marsh has regular water in it too. I wonder how my grandparents are doing now. My mom and dad are at work. I am about through with this journal entry though I have some time left. I probably will watch a lot of television tonight, but I will probably try listening to Wagner tonight to give him another chance. I might have acted too harshly against Wagner before. I hope that I will be able to read a half hour of Twain this afternoon and that the reader is in good spirits. Bye bye.

Friday, March 23 2001

I went on a bike ride today, and I had a quite good bike ride. I am still reading The Prince and the Pauper. I feel depressed. I have been watching that Beverly Hills show. The show has a lot of drugs in it, so I do not really approve. So far, Donna has overdosed on painkillers. Noah has been convicted of rape though he has not done it. His brother is guilty of drugging Valerie’s drink.

Noah’s brother is mean on the show. Yesterday I listened to Handel’s Concerti Grossi Opus 3. I do like that CD, which I had gotten out of the Windsor Library. I think that I will go to the Windsor Library on Monday to renew some CDs. The

book that I am reading is kind of unrealistic. It is short and will not take long to finish. That is, I will not take long to finish it. Tomorrow I will probably see Mamaw and Popee. I feel depressed, and I hope that I will not get psychotic.

I had a fun bike ride today. I passed a man who held out his arms as if to stop me, and the man that he was with told me to run him over. They seemed like a funny pair. The big entertainment on my ride was the innumerable blackbirds in the trees. They were making a heck of a noise, which I liked. I am not sure what kind of birds that they were, but they were small blackbirds. That reminds me that I have not seen any robins lately. I have, however, seen some crows, which are big and scary, and they can caw at one. They can caw while doing the can can with their cacophonous feet.

I wonder if this journal will ever be published. I kind of hope that some day it will be published. I am looking forward to reading Balzac, but the book that I am reading now is kind of boring and lacks some substance. I am reading The Prince and the Pauper, and there are some really good moments in the book, when the plot comes together well. I like how the whipping boy tells the pauper about the king’s past so that the pauper, whom everyone else thinks is the king, knows enough to seem to be making progress towards his old self. I do not know what is going on with the prince, who everyone thinks is the pauper. He was with a nice man before, but now he has left him. The man treated him like a king because he thought that that was what the boy, whom he thought was mad, wanted.

After reading Twain’s description of what the king has to go through every day, I would not want to be a king, yet his account seems to be erroneous because it is meant to be funny. I would like to be a king in a way, but in a way I would like to be anonymous, like I am now. I guess that now I am a pauper, yet if I published this journal and made a lot of money, I could be like a prince. In the Beverly Hills show David accepts a Porsche for a week from a record company because they want him to sing for them. If I was oﬀered a Porsche, who knows if I would take it because it would be such a distraction from my reading, writing, and biking. My illness makes it easy to become a pauper, but I have instead fought back and have become a prince in mind. In the book, the pauper learned about royalty from reading books, but his mother was afraid that he was reading too much about them. When the prince took the pauper’s place, Tom Canty’s mother (the mother of the pauper) thought that he had become mad through reading too much. Tom Canty is the pauper, and I think that the prince is called Edward.

The last paragraph is a pretty long one. Last night I watched “Law and Order” in which there was a photographer who got stabbed by a teenager. The show was pretty boring, and the teenager got special treatment because of her young age when her sentence was read. The show is hard to follow in some parts. There was not much on the news other than a school shooting and China being mad at Taiwan concerning Taiwan’s acquiring expensive arms. Anyway,

today I had a good bike ride. I rode three loops on the River Trail, and I noticed that the river was kind of flooded. There were some thin wet spots on the trail. I do like my bike very much. I did not have to wear gloves today as I did yesterday, thus today was warmer than yesterday. I feel kind of tired right now, though I am emotionally not physically tired. I guess that I have to try to take control of myself.

I do not know what to say right now. Tomorrow I go to Mamaw and Popee’s. I do not see the psychiatrist next week. I am now kind of looking forward to printing out my journal next week. I have not printed that for a while, for I have just not been up to it. On the trail today the tall guy who pretended to stop me was wearing a barn jacket. The guy whom he was with was short. I guess that they both were comedians. There were so many birds on the trail today. I am looking forward to playing ping-pong tomorrow. I am looking forward to playing ping-pong perfectly, professionally, and purely without too much perambulation or perturbation. On television on the Fox News Channel they show live high-speed chases sometimes, as if the criminal might get away, and I mean this sarcastically. It is nearly impossible for a car to get away from the cops. I think that the show “Law and Order” is filmed in New York City, which really is a mess of a place.

Pretty soon I will find that I will have to go to the bookstore to get more books. I have already read two of the books that I got last time (A Room of One’s Own) and (Old Goriot). Both books were superb really, and I might have liked Woolf ’s very short book a trifle more. I do not have any socks to wear right now, so I am wearing my Adidas sandals with bare feet. I am not, however, wearing my sandals with bear feet because I am not a big furry animal. I could not imagine wearing these sandals with big bear feet. I think that I am kind of a provincial kid. Right now I kind of wish that the shade was not down so that I could see the view. My obsessions are kind of annoying me right now, but I will ignore them.

I hope that I can act right to please God, and only He is able to help me through my present travails. I owe Him everything and look up to Him. I probably will always look up to Him as well. Today really is a beautiful day. The crocuses are doing well. Now I have to go, but not before wishing a hearty farewell to the readers. I wonder if my family members are reading this and if I am dead when they are reading this. I hope that I will be able to read The Prince and the Pauper for about an hour this afternoon, and I read the book for about fifty minutes earlier today though now I will rest. I am oﬀ, and I hope that I will be able to write next week well. Bye bye.

Sunday, March 25 2001

Today I finished The Prince and the Pauper, and I started Balzac. I have been thinking about summer school. I have tried going in the past, but I have not been

able to. I probably would fail if I tried this time. I want to go to summer school, but I lack the courage. Summer school would be fun. I could live a quasi-real life at summer school. I just do not feel like going. I lack the courage to go. I feel depressed about it. I think that I will put my mind to going, and I hopefully will be able to go. I do not know if I can go though. I really want to, but I do not know if I can. One can tell that I am not sure of what to do. I am writing in broken sentences. I just do not know what to do. Yesterday I read for about two hours. I played ping-pong, and Popee fell down, scaring me half to death, though it was fortunate that he did not get hurt. Balzac is diﬃcult to understand. The book is long. I cannot continue. Well, I can try.

There were tons of people on the River Trail today. A lot of kids had scooters. I was surprised to see so many of them. Tomorrow I will probably go to the Windsor Library. I need to bring back some CDs because they are due. I had a good bike ride today. Part of the way I was on the River Trail. Today is a nice day, and the crocuses are doing well. My parents are visiting my sister at Wheaton College. Therefore, I am here alone. Yesterday I was at Mamaw and Popee’s.

I read for about an hour last night, and I usually do not read in the night.

Balzac’s book is diﬃcult to understand because so far it describes a printing press, which I know nothing about. Balzac must have had firsthand experience with a printing press. The book uses a lot of terms that are foreign to me relating to the printing press, and I have never heard these words before. The protagonist is a lousy father, who cannot read or write though he owns a printing press. His son is more learned, and he is nicer too. I wonder if Balzac went to Trinity College. No, I am just kidding. I wonder if I will ever make it back to Trinity College. I just lack the courage to return there. I might just be happy how I am.

I feel kind of tired right now. I kind of hope that this journal gets published so that I can justify writing here. I wonder if Balzac went to college. Certainly as of late I have the time to be a writer.

I am from an upper-middle-class family. I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday. I helped Mamaw with a high chair, and she wanted me to put it in her car. The thing was not very heavy. My aunt Carol is coming to Connecticut in early May. She is bringing her son my cousin Benjamin. I think that Benjamin is her youngest kid. Popee asked me what bookstore I liked more between Barnes and Noble and Borders, and I replied that I liked them both about the same.

Mamaw asked me how many books I had read since I went to the bookstore last. She said, “Barnes and Noble, here Jon comes,” yet first I have to read a really long book by Balzac before I am out and about at the bookstore again.

I do not know when I will go to the bookstore next, but this Balzac book is a big one. I saw part of the University of Connecticut women’s basketball game yesterday, and they won it. They were playing North Carolina State. Mamaw says that she is worried about a possible game with Notre Dame. I had some tapioca with whipped cream on it. Mamaw told Popee that he gave me quite a

scare, and he said, “I will bet.” He fell hard on the ground and could not get up. I could not lift him up, and I was scared. I wonder if he will play ping-pong next week, but I doubt it really though I am sure that he might want to. I asked Popee if he had been to Elizabeth Park, and he said that he had gone the day before. I like Elizabeth Park, for it has a big rose garden there.

I started oﬀ this entry extremely slowly, but I have picked up the pace considerably. I had writer’s block when I started this entry. My obsessive- compulsive problem is really not too bad, but it is still there and is still an annoyance. I would like to see some tennis on television, and I wonder what the next Grand Slam is. I wonder if Agassi did win that tournament in Indian Wells. He was playing Pete Sampras in the final match. So far, I like Old Goriot better than the current book that I am reading by Balzac. Today I have been thinking about going to Trinity College for the summer, but I do not know if I will go.

What I really need is a vacation. I started oﬀ this entry extremely slowly, not knowing what to say and being really stressed out. Now I am talking easily, but I fear that my dream of going to Trinity College might be going slowly away.

Today is quite sunny. Still, it is pretty cold out, and I had to wear my gloves on my bike ride. There were really a lot of people on the River Trail today, and I did not recognize any of them. At the end of The Prince and the Pauper, the king gets his rightful place, and he helps all who had helped him, when he was poor. The king helps Tom Canty out too, as I think that Tom Canty was the king’s ward and the head of an establishment to help the poor. So, the king and Tom remained friends, and the story had a happy ending. My parents are going to be home soon. I hope that I will be able to read more today. I feel kind of emotionally tired right now after that taxing first paragraph. I am kind of glad that I stayed here to write, though, and did not abandon my post as journal writer. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that I have written enough today. Well, there is nothing more to say. Goodbye, fair reader. Bye bye.

Monday, March 26 2001

Right now I feel extremely tired. I am kind of surprised that I was even here to write this, yet here I am now. I have to bring back my CDs sometime, and I probably will do that tomorrow. The book that I am reading is kind of boring, and so far I like Old Goriot better. The Balzac book that I am reading is, like I said, kind of boring. I hope that it gets better, for it is a long book. So, my respect for Balzac has dropped somewhat. Today I read for about an hour, and I also exercised for about a half hour. I ran to the River Trail and then walked a loop before running home. I ran for a total of about ten minutes as I ran there and back. Therefore, I walked for about twenty minutes. Today I feel really tired, and I had to really get myself up to do a walk.

The River Trail is fun to walk on, and sometimes one gets to pass people. I passed an old man, who had a red coat and blue gloves on. I also passed a really

attractive young woman, who I guess was with her father. The father asked how I was doing, and I said “Hi.” He seemed to ask it rhetorically. I do not know if rhetorically is an adverb or not. I do not know how much more I can do today, for I feel really tired. It has been snowing today. I did not mind the snow on my walk, and I even liked it. Yet if I had taken my bike out, I would not have liked the snow.

I might give up on the current Balzac book and read Tolstoy instead, yet I should not give up on the Balzac book too soon. The book might get more interesting. The Twain book was kind of boring, but the plot was solid, except for the hardly believable way that the king got to approach Tom Canty at the coronation. He just marched through the crowd without mishap. Yet the book ended well with everything concluded and an account of how the characters in the book fared. The king did not live long, and I wonder if this fact is based on a historical account. I wonder what Tolstoy’s book is about. These obsessive tendencies really take a vicious bite out of me.

They are truly, as a group, a mental plague. For example, my obsessions tell me to think about whether my grammar is right in the last sentence, and they indeed have even made the grammar worse, inducing me to change the original sentence, which ran “they are truly a mental plague.” The obsessions are all around me, and they are with me always. The Tolstoy book is called Resurrection. Again, I failed to mention this before because of an obsession that told me it would not be pious to mention it. My obsessions are enough to drive one crazy if they came on a healthy person suddenly.

I wonder what the Tolstoy book is about. I liked two other of his books, but I did not like War and Peace. Maybe I should stick with Balzac to see if it gets any better, and the thing that I do not like about it is that it talks too much about the printing press. I could care less about this machine. I am interested in the printing presses used today, but I do not want to find out about them from a novel, especially an old novel like this one. I do not know what is lacking in this novel, but it sounds so impersonal and harsh.

The summary on the back of the book says that it is one of his finest novels, but I hope that it is not because if this is then Balzac has got some writing problems. I am truly surprised that I have even got to write this today. I was feeling so tired today that I just did not feel like doing much at all. I have to return my CDs to the Windsor Library tomorrow, and they are overdue. I am hoping that I will be able to renew some of the CDs. Last night I listened to Dvorak, and I like that particular CD.

On it were five bagatelles and some string ditty that he wrote while in America. I have heard him on a diﬀerent CD, but I think that I did not like that one because the songs were too slow. I do like the one that I listened to last night, as the bagatelles especially were very impressive and culturally enriching. The bagatelles sound like village pieces and tell of the songs of the commoners. At least I am guessing that this is so. I think that Dvorak was from the Czech

Republic. I do not know if this is the same as Czechoslovakia, but it probably is the same thing. I mentioned the title of the Balzac book that I am reading in my journal before, but I am not going to mention it by title because it would look really bad with this font. The reader will have to trust me on this.

On my bike ride today, some woman waved at me. Now my obsessive thoughts have turned on the page number displayed at the bottom of the screen, and I am angered because it is on a certain page number that is consistent with an unlucky number that I have due to my obsessive tendencies. Anyway, some woman waved at me today, and she was driving a van. I do not know who she was. I think that she was wearing a dark yellow barn jacket though I am just guessing about the jacket, and the van color was either blue, green, or a mixture of both. A mixture would probably mean turquoise. Last night I settled down some while listening to music.

I watched a lot of television last night, and I saw a movie called Dead Again though I could not follow the plot too well. I also saw part of a horror movie that was really disgusting and part of the movie True Lies, which is a bad one. I do not see how one could tell a true lie. The River Trail was really nice today, and it is always a nice place to go. I like the River Trail much more than going out on the open road. I wonder what if any movie will be on tonight, and I doubt a movie will be on at all. There will just be series shows on.

The Balzac book is about a friendship between two young men, and they both are smart in their own way. One of them is book smart, but I cannot remember this man’s name. The other has his own good qualities. They might go to this Madame’s house, where there will be society over. This society thing that I can only catch a glimpse of in fine books must be a pretty fine thing.

People in society are rich and have many friends, and this appeals to me. I guess that I need to be rich and educated to be in society, though, and these days society might be very much unlike what it once was. Yet there is still some good society in Palm Beach in Florida, where one can hold parties at sprawling mansions or have tea on the private beaches, yet maybe no one would invite me to such a party. Well, I am content to read about such society.

Maybe there is a bit of this society at Loomis Chaﬀee though rather for the rich students than for the relatively poor teachers, yet there is a society of sorts everywhere one goes because one has to be around people at least sometime. So, for the teachers at Loomis society consists of eating together in a nice place and then retiring to small places. For me, society means living in an altogether small house and eating dinner with my parents. So, maybe sometime I will have more friends though then the point comes up about whether I would be happier with friends or books. I probably would rather have friends. Now I must go. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I wish the reader fine times if at all possible, and if not, I would encourage the reader to persevere. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, March 27 2001

Hi. Today was a failure so far because I read for only about seventeen minutes, and I feel kind of bad about today. Last night I read for about fifty minutes. Today I went to the library, and I renewed some of my old CDs and took out some new ones. The library had their computers all covered up and had notices on them that said that they needed to upgrade their computers. Today I guess that they are putting the new computers into work. So, the librarian I had had to put the CDs in by hand. Again, like I mentioned yesterday, my obsessions have created a bad entry so far as far as grammar is concerned, but the rest of the entry should be all right.

I feel awfully tired right now as usual. Last night I read until about ten o’ clock. I slept all right. Today I rode my bike on the River Trail, where there were tons of people. I passed a young couple who looked like they were high-school kids. I also went by a couple of men, one of whom on my last loop smiled a big smile, which was annoying. I passed an older couple, and the man looked supremely annoying. I passed a lady too. So, the people on the River Trail whom I saw today were kind of annoying. They just looked annoying to me. The dogs barked at me from the pound.

I wish that I did not always feel so tired. This medicine is so crazy. I want to be just healthy. I do want to go to Trinity College this summer if I can. I do not know what my obsession about going to college is. Anyway, my life is kind of falling apart at the seams because I feel so tired and so without motivation. I want to return to college, but I do not know if I can do so. Yesterday I watched way too much television. I cannot keep writing it seems, yet I should try to keep writing. I want to return to college though I do not know why. Going to college just seems like the right thing to do. Well, I cannot go on. I want to go to college very much, and I might try to go. Bye bye.

Wednesday, March 28 2001

Today I was able to go for a bike ride, and there were only a couple people on the River Trail. I had a fun bike ride. Today I do not think that I will do much academics. I probably should not be taking a lot of time oﬀ from academics, but I just do not at all feel like doing much today. I do, however, feel like getting a good entry in today so that I make sure that I get enough entries in this week. I think that yesterday I was only able to write for about twenty-five minutes. Today really is a beautiful day, and that might be why my spirits are up despite me not doing too much work. I have no idea though what I am going to do for the rest of the day, and boredom might quickly sink in. There is nothing to do in Windsor really. Last night I briefly looked through some of my photo album. I wish that I had something to do for the rest of the day besides just sitting around. Yesterday I followed along with the words to Mozart’s Requiem, and I like that piece very much.

I was able to read for a grand total of about forty-seven minutes yesterday, as I read for about seventeen minutes once and for about a half hour later in the afternoon. So, I did not get much done yesterday. My feeling pretty well right now I attribute to the nice bike ride and to the fine weather. I am writing with my shade up because I find it diﬃcult to remove all of the trash from the woods in back of the house. There looks to be a basket in the woods too. At times on my bike ride I went pretty slowly. The medicine really makes my legs feel like jello. I wonder if the library has new computers going today, and they were upgrading their systems yesterday. I do not feel tired right now, and I feel pretty well today. My ride on the River Trail was really fun. The river looked nice, and the trees still do not have any leaves on them. I passed a man with boots, who works for a gas or oil company. I can tell because of the van that he got out of. He was wearing navy blue, and he might have had an outfit on for his job. The other person whom I passed was wearing a baseball cap.

Last night I listened to Dvorak. So, I listened to both Mozart and Dvorak yesterday. The University of Connecticut women’s team is headed to the so- called final four. There they will meet their toughest opponent yet in the University of Notre Dame. The best player in the tournament is Jackie Stiles from some place in Missouri, and she is a high scorer. Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to print out my journal of recent times. I hope that I can get back into a normal schedule after this two-day break from much studying. I will get extremely bored extremely quickly if I do not get into a normal schedule. The book that I am reading is average, so I am kind of disappointed in it. I am not excited to pick it up and read it. I wish that I could read the Tolstoy book if it only had a diﬀerent title.

I wonder when the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team will play the University of Notre Dame. There is not much snow on the ground in the yard, and today is warm. It was really cold on my bike ride though because I was going so fast. I needed a jacket and gloves. I miss playing tennis, and it would be nice if I could play some. I think that overall this week I have been pretty good as far as my journal is concerned. I might be more consistent this week than last week. Yesterday I did not spend very long in the library, and I got out some new CDs. I saw a child there with a hat on. I also saw a kid near me who seemed to be with his mother. The librarian I did not like. She had to take out my CDs by hand since they were not using the computers. She had good handwriting. I was surprised at this.

My bike is doing well. The bike is blue. I have had it for a long time, and it has stayed together very well to the credit of Giant, which is the maker of the bike. The bike is kind of noisy on a couple gears though from using these gears so much. So, these gears are, as they say, kind of stripped. On my bike ride at a couple points I slowed down, and my legs just hardly had the energy to keep pedaling. I felt kind of bad about this because I knew that the medicine was to blame. I need to get a haircut soon, and I will probably get one next week. My

hair is easily down to my eyes, when it is not on the side. I will bet that the barber, like last time, will ask me why I took so long to get it cut.

He did not ask me exactly, but just made a statement that most people get their haircut earlier. I do not know what I am going to do for the rest of the day. I kind of would like to go to a mall, but I probably will not do this because I lack the valor or courage though I must think up something to do. I slept well last night. This computer has stuck with me because it has not had many errors, and I cannot remember the last time that it crashed. So, I have the luck that the machines that I use have not broken. My basketball hoop is still up, and I should go out and play some basketball though I do not have a good basketball. I have a Polo basketball that I got for a free gift. The ball is not a bad one though it is now because it is flat. What would make this house nice would be a tennis court in the backyard, and there is room for it. Yet there are tennis courts at Loomis Chaﬀee. I still feel bad about being the last person cut two years in a row for junior varsity tennis at Loomis Chaﬀee.

Maybe I can get good at tennis again if some new great medicine comes out to cure schizophrenia. I saw “Law and Order” last night, and a kid in it was on Thorazine in the mental hospital for about a year. The show must have been an old one. I think that Zyprexa is better than Thorazine, as Thorazine was the first antipsychotic. I am hoping that a better one than Zyprexa will come out that will enable me to live a normal life. I do not know what I will do today though I hope that I do not get too bored.

I have not been over to Loomis Chaﬀee in a long time, oh well. Today really is a beautiful day, and I am hoping that the trees will get some leaves on them when it gets warmer as I know that they will. I hope that tomorrow I will

be able to print out some pages of my journal. I am about through with this entry now, and I hope that I have not been too boring. I am looking forward to the spring. I like flowers, and the crocuses are out. I saw a robin on the River Trail today. I hope that there will be something to do today and that I am able to find something to do. I am oﬀ now. Well, I wish the reader a fine day, and I hope that the reader sticks with me because I am hoping to get into a schedule again soon. Bye bye.

Friday, March 30 2001

Lately things have not been going too well for me. Today, however, I was able to read for about an hour. Still, there is nothing to do here at home. I have no friends, and I have nothing to do. I was thinking about going to that treatment center in Hartford, but I probably would not be able to make it there. Tomorrow I guess that I am going to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Monday I have an appointment with James Bozzuto. I want to return to Trinity College this summer, but I lack the courage to go. I probably sound pretty bad. I read Balzac

for about an hour today. The book is pretty good, but Balzac’s idea of society might just render him into an antisocial personality. He is obsessed with high society, and I just might be too. Yesterday I was not able to print out my journal because I was feeling poor mentally.

I guess that I will have to print it out next month. Things got back on track last night, when I read for about a half hour. Yesterday was a really chaotic day because I was feeling so bad. I went to the library in the morning, but stayed for only about five minutes, looking at the movies. Then I was lucky enough to get home and to ride my bike for about a half hour. I tried reading, but I had to put the book down immediately after I picked it up. I tried printing, but the printer messed up because I did not have the patience to oversee the printing. I wrote some nonsense in a notebook for an entry yesterday, but it took only about ten minutes. I followed along with the Latin in Vivaldi’s Gloria and Magnificat and was extremely bored in doing this, as it was nothing like Mozart’s Requiem. Then I watched television a lot last night. So, I did not listen to music last night though I did in the afternoon.

Only God has kept me from going into a deeper depression, and I look up to Him for this. The book that I am reading is all right, but it is nothing like Old Goriot was. The book is about Lucien trying to get into high society. So far he has failed to impress except for several people. His sister Eve and his friend David are in love, and David has asked Eve to marry him. David wants to create a machine to produce paper from vegetable matter like they do by hand in China.

I guess that a volume of Voltaire weighed about 250 pounds on linen paper, and that is an incredible amount considering my book entitled Candide weighs next to nothing. I am both interested and bored about the printing press. I am interested to see a printing press, but I am not interested in reading about printing since seeing is everything in printing. So, I find the discussion of printing kind of boring.

David was telling Eve his plans on making money with a machine to make paper. I had a lot of dreams last night, and I will probably tell about some of them later. Today I was thinking about me being on the junior varsity soccer team at Loomis. I did not like being on the team because of the other players on it. I do not remember much about the time that I spent on the fields. I remember feeling awkward, but I remember liking when relays were run because I was always one of the fastest players. I do not even remember really whether I disliked the players, but I did not socialize while traveling. I was not very social, and I sat on the bench a lot. I was on good soccer teams while at Loomis Chaﬀee, though, for I think that my teams, both the third string and junior varsity, won a lot of games. I was voted the most improved player on one of these teams, as I remember reading on the sports report that was posted on the bulletin board in the Loomis Chaﬀee Snug which is a place to sit and eat and which is where the game room is located. It is a relatively recent addition to Loomis Chaﬀee.

I remember some people on the third string soccer team like Lee Green. He was a good player, but went to clubs instead of playing competitively. I think that Pat Lyn was also on my soccer team, and he is half-Chinese. Pat, Lee, and I often would pass the ball together, and I hung out with them on the field. I think that I liked thirds soccer more than junior varsity soccer. Club soccer, by the way, is a way to play soccer recreationally, and the teams are all from Loomis Chaﬀee and do not travel.

I remember the stress associated with playing soccer and traveling. I played on the left side because I was and still am left-footed. I remember playing schools like Kent. I remember one game on the junior varsity team where Ethan Flaherty said to me that I needed a lot to get pumped up, and he was implying that I was quiet in many ways. I remember one game when a big man on the team, maybe Scott Fankhouser, scored from nearly half field. The team called him Fank. I remember the times that I had to stand in line waiting for water from the big jugs.

I remember bringing the soccer balls to the shed with Ben, who went on to play varsity soccer. I do not remember much about soccer because my longterm memory is ruined because of this medicine. I remember not participating nearly as much as I should have in a scrimmage within the team. I just felt timid. I remember that the team wore two diﬀerent-color net jerseys to diﬀerentiate the teams. I remember being in a circle to do stretches, where once Taka Aki Kiga was made fun of a bit. I think that I talked to him a couple times. I remember that on the thirds or junior varsity team, I think thirds, that a boy called Shoots was the team comedian. He did not go on to graduate from Loomis Chaﬀee.

Soccer was not really that fun though.

I dreamt last night that I was fighting against Chris Merrill. I dreamt that it was a battle of good versus evil, with me as good and him as evil. I had a lot of people behind me. During the fight, I cast a spell called divine intervention to try to kill him. The spell did a lot of damage, but did not kill him entirely. At the end of the battle, I thought that I had killed him because he went oﬀ into outer space, yet he wanted to lure my people into his realm. A big black mass was overhead, and like a black spider’s net the blackness outspread. The people could be transported into space with him if they wanted to. I wanted to stop this, as some people were leaving earth. I also dreamt that I was in about the sixteenth century, and I was a student at Washington and Lee. Unlike what one would think about the sixteenth century, this century was more technologically advanced than current times. This is a normal theme in my dreams of the past.

I was reborn into this technologically advanced age, and I had a lot of young women attracted to me under my new identity. In the theater, the girls were constantly talking to me, and on the big screen was a dirt-car race with computer graphics, which replaced the normal graphics seen on television. The race was going about four times faster due to the quicker reflexes of the people in that age. The race was a real one, but it was broadcast with computer graphics.

I was dismayed to see the people spending their time watching the screen instead of studying or doing something better like socializing. I was made up of partly Popee and partly my father. Although the girls were attracted to Popee’s part, the part of my father was a bad one, yet it was not strong enough to frighten oﬀ the girls. I still had my own identity, though, and I think that I was known as someone like Carter though I blurted out that my last name was Taylor once. My last name was really Carter though. Later I dreamt that I was in a big electronics store. I had to save the store from destruction by the electronics equipment, which had a life of their own. Well, I do not feel like telling more about my dreams now.

Today it has been raining. I have not been able to go out for a bike ride. I am disappointed to say the least about not being able to print out my journal yesterday. I hope that I will be able to at the end of next month. Maybe I will be able to ride my bike today, and I certainly hope so. I think that tomorrow I am going to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Maybe things will improve for me soon. Things are looking up today. Well, I am about through with writing today. I hope that the reader is well. I am a bit tongue tied right now. I have got to go. I will probably keep up this journal as well as I can. If the rain has stopped maybe I can go and ride my bike, and I hope that there will not be many people on the trail today. Well, now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will see the reader soon. Now I should go. Bye bye.

Sunday, March 31 2001

Today has been quite diﬃcult, and to say the least it has been challenging. Today I managed to read for about an hour and to ride my bike for about a half hour. I am still reading Balzac, and it got a bit interesting when there was a duel between Monsieur Bargeton and a man who had said that he had seen Lucien and Madame Bargeton in a compromising situation. Lucien had been at Madame Bargeton’s feet but in a chaste manner. I just saw a couple of young women outside in the woods, and I do not know what they were talking about. I think that one of them was smoking a cigarette, and that turns me oﬀ.

The Balzac book is still not nearly as good as his Old Goriot book. So, I am still kind of disappointed in the book. Last night I listened to Dvorak’s Seventh Symphony, which was pretty good. Of course, no symphonies can compare to Mozart’s. There are not really that many famous composers out there. The German composers seem to be the best composers though I have not heard enough of Bach to have an opinion of him. Mozart is my favorite composer, followed by Vivaldi. I am having an extremely diﬃcult time doing much lately, and I have had to struggle just to do anything at all though for some lucky reason I have been able to keep up this journal. Today my bike ride was really fun.

Today I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s house because Mamaw is not feeling well. I do not think that I will go tomorrow, though, and it is kind of sad

that I might have to wait till next week. My bike ride was really fun because I only saw a couple of people on the River Trail. I am not sure why this is, but it was pretty cold today. The sky is silver. The river is high, and the trail is almost got flooded over. I did three loops of the River Trail. There is not much to do here at home, but I try not to watch too much television, which is a device that can really turn people into vegetables. Lately, I have been thinking about Nietzsche’s statement of how he thinks that the marketplace is poison for the individual, and I have been thinking that in modern times this poison is the television.

People all over watch the television way too much. I remember telling Francis Angelo how I did not watch television, when I was taking piano lessons from him. He thought that it was a plague of youth, as I remember. My morals might not have been too high at that time though. Now, however, when my morals are better, the sort of same dislike of television comes to me, yet without television I would have nothing to do at night. So, it can be poison and a help depending, I guess, on how much one watches television. I think that if people came together and befriended each other, there would be no need for television, as people could go out at night to the mall or socialize at parties.

Today when thinking about what to write in my journal, a theme from yesterday’s entry of talking about my past cropped up. Before I do that I should prove that I am reading. Lately, Lucien and Madame Bargeton are going to Paris. Lucien is excited about this, but he is sad also that he will not catch his sister’s wedding to David. I think that Lucien wants a chance to shine in Paris as a literary personality, and he is hoping that a publisher will like his work. So, he will not be living with Eve and David. I think that he had been planning on living with his sister Eve, but now he will be the only one accompanying Madame Bargeton to Paris.

Lucien will be accepted in a fashionable salon there, and, no, I do not mean a hair salon but a fashionable Parisian household. The name sounds something like Escudé, which reminds me of the current French tennis player Nicholas Escudé. I regret that I cannot remember many of my days in school at my “grammar school,” as the English would call it. I went to the Clover Street School, and I liked this school more than any other school that I have ever been in. I think that about a year ago I would take trips to the school. I would go out at night. Maybe I was trying to capture some of my past.

The place is not much to look at now, but it used to be all open as the schools in California were. Now the buildings are enclosed. I think that I vaguely remember walking between units out in the open air even in winter, and the walkways were held up by poles. It is saddening that those walkways are enclosed because Clover Street used to be a quite unusually fine school. I remember that there was a basketball court where Curtis Smith would practice his soccer-juggling skills, which I think were the best in the school. I remember that there was a big playscape and a couple four-square areas.

I was one of the best four-square players around. I was pretty much the most popular kid in school in the sixth grade. Clover Street went up to the sixth grade, as it likely does now. I remember that there was a fence that divided up the four-square courts from a small playground, where some sand and rubber tires were. I think that this is probably the case. The big playground was a whole lot of fun, as it had a huge slide on it. There were also fields to play football and soccer on. Lately in the past week I have had a very diﬃcult time finding anything to do. I just feel so tired lately, and I can barely keep up a schedule of writing in my journal regularly and do not feel like doing much to my chagrin.

Today I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s, so I might unfortunately have to wait till next week to see them. I kind of would have liked to have seen Mamaw and Popee today though I did not feel like doing much of anything this morning. So far I have been lucky today to read. I do not know if I will be able to keep up a regular schedule in the coming weeks, and that is kind of depressing. Yesterday it was raining all day, but I managed to go out for about a five-minute walk just to get outside some. Today it is not raining. Yesterday night I read for about a half hour soon after dinner. I hope that I will be able to read some Balzac tonight, but I am not sure that I will.

On my bike ride I had to wear a jacket, and I wore my Sport Hill running pants. Last night the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team lost to the University of Notre Dame, and I was kind of rooting for the University of Connecticut. I wonder how Andre Agassi is doing in the Ericsson tournament, namely, I wonder if he is still alive in the tournament. I think that the women’s final pits Venus Williams against Jennifer Capriati, so the third seed and the fourth seed meet respectively.

When last I checked, Andre Agassi was to play Patrick Rafter in the semifinals. I am not sure, but the finals for the men are probably today or tomorrow. I think that Capriati had beaten Venus’s sister Serena Williams before in the tournament. Lleyton Hewitt was still alive the last time that I checked since he won against Roger Federer of Switzerland. So, the Australians were doing well in the tournament. Rafter and Hewitt are Australians. Hewitt is a weird guy, and he calls people mates, like the Aussies do. I think that I should not be such a sports fan though.

I guess that I am, as Fred Seebeck called me, an aficionado when it comes to tennis. Anyway, I probably watch entirely too much television. I hope that I will be able to write this coming week enough, for I want to keep up my journal. Well, I have to conclude this particular entry now. I hope that I will be able to read more sometime today though I do not want to pressure myself. I hope that the reader is faring a bit better than I am at the moment. I will hopefully write here tomorrow. Fare thee well, gentle reader. I am out of here. I am gone. Bye bye.

Tuesday, April 3 2001

Today I read some of Keats, and I am reading a book of his complete poems now. I have given up on Balzac because he is too boring. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, but I did not play ping-pong because Popee is not ready for it yet. Yesterday I also went to the psychiatrist appointment. Mamaw asked me if I would want to take a course at college at home. James Bozzuto wants me to take a course on the Internet. Mamaw showed me a book of Keats that Popee had. The book was small, but contained Keats’s poetic works. I would like to have a book like that. Yesterday I read for about a half hour and then rode my bike for about a half hour. On Sunday I read the Keats book for about two hours. Today my bike ride was not as good as usual because of some people filling in the potholes on my street. I had to slow down on the way and decided to take a detour on the way back to avoid them altogether. I have not written for a while, so I might be rusty today.

I like Keats very much as a writer. He had a way with language. I am reading a poem about the war between the Titans and the gods. I hope that I can finish that book, and then hopefully I will be able to get some new books. So, last night was the men’s basketball college national championship. Boy, that was a mouthful. The game pitted the University of Arizona against Duke University.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s before I went to the psychiatrist, and I talked to them for a long while in Popee’s study. When I went upstairs, Popee was reading. Mamaw asked me about the psychiatrist. Popee seemed to have sympathy with me when Mamaw was asking about psychiatrists generally.

I had some strawberries at their house.

Today I woke up unable to move my right arm fully. I still cannot do so, and I am wondering if there is a fracture there or something. I just moved my arm some, and I got a sharp pain at the elbow on the inside. The pain is on the arm on the other side of the elbow, so the elbow itself does not hurt. When I left yesterday, Popee said that I know where they live and could come over at any time. That was nice of him to say. Then I went to my psychiatrist appointment, and he suggested me taking some courses over the Internet. I do not want to waste my time with the Internet, though, for I do not want to waste my time over computers. I would rather waste my time, saying this phrase in a funny way, reading books that I like.

The spring is coming fast though today is pretty cold. I felt awfully tired on my bike ride today, and I do not think that I could have done a full three loops. I did two loops and then rode through the depressing town of Windsor. I rode for about a half hour. Mamaw asked me if I wanted some ice cream yesterday, but I said that I did not. In the Keats book there was a sketch of him, and I think that Popee said that he looked like a girl because of his long hair.

Yesterday on my way home from a short walk, my mom drove by and asked facetiously if a wanted a ride, and I was in the driveway when this happened. I hope that I will be able to read some more Keats today for about a half hour.

Yesterday when I was reading Keats, I understood little, but did understand him well today probably because the poem that I was reading is so long.

Some of the imagery Keats uses for the palace of the sun is great, and the imagery of the dungeons, where some of the Titans- like Asia- are, are downright scary in their directness. Some of the Titans are in like a cave and tied down with chains though the star Titan of the story is able to roam freely through an immeasurable and magnificent palace. The Balzac book was getting awfully boring. Lucien was in Paris and noticed how fashionable all of the ladies looked, thus losing some of his desire for Madame Bargeton since she became less glamorous when he compared her to the average Parisian women of society.

Likewise, Madame Bargeton was losing her interest in Lucien, when she saw all the men dressed up better than him.

Keats’s language is so much more inspiring than Balzac’s. Mamaw said that she did not like the name Balzac. She asked what nationality he was, and I told her that he was French. She said that the name sounded like Czechoslovakian. Keats’s language seems like it was crafted in the summer out by a lake. He must have been alone on this lake too, and there would be a nice tree by the lake that he would rest upon while writing. The poem that I am reading begins by portraying a Greek god and his wife, and the god is lamenting. The language is very exact, and the reader will have to take my word that the writing of this particular long poem is adept. The goddess is trying to cheer up her husband. Some of the plot of the story is still a bit shady for me to understand as well as I probably should. I am glad that I am reading a long poem of Keats’s, or else I might not understand some shorter poems like some of them yesterday, for example.

James Bozzuto asked about what The Prince and the Pauper was about, when I mentioned that I read that book before reading Keats. I told him that it was about those two kids switching places for a time. He asked me who liked their position more, and I told him that the pauper liked being a prince more. Then he asked about the weather, and I said that I would like it to be warmer and that it was a cold spring. My next appointment is this Monday. I feel kind of depressed during this entry because it seems like I have nothing much to write about. Also, my not been listening to music lately has taken its toll on my mind. Instead of listening to music on Sunday I read Keats, and on Monday I watched some television to relax. My arm really hurts when I bend it, and I hope that there is nothing seriously wrong with it. The pain is a sharp one. The arm does not hurt much when I do not bend it much. Last night I watched part of a pretty decent movie about some relationship.

The end ended happily for the couple, and they made up at a wedding. I feel kind of tired right now. Yesterday I was really frightened on the highway and did not know what was going to happen to me, but I soon found that I felt better. God was with me yesterday, and He prevented my getting killed. So, I owe Him a lot, and also His grace in letting me live. I take a risk every time that I get in that

car. I hope that I will be able to read for about another half hour today. I wonder if I will ever get to play ping-pong with Popee again. I should end my entry now. I am glad that I found Keats to read. I still look up to God very much. If I had not found Keats, I do not know what I would have read. I wonder if there will be anything good on television tonight. There will probably be the usual somewhat boring stuﬀ. I hope that I will be able to continue writing in my journal for times to come and that the reader is well and reading my entries. Now I must go though. I will obviously try to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Wednesday, April 4 2001

Keats really is a fine craftsman. I am thinking about maybe publishing my journal, but that is probably just some wanton passion. Today I read for about an hour and ran for about a half hour. Today is a spring day. Maybe I should publish my journal. Who knows if it will be published. There is enough material to be published surely. I do not know why I suddenly want to publish my journal, and there would have to be a lot of editing in it. My having thousands of pages that I would have to edit seems a gargantuan task. Today was really warm as compared to other days.

I am just constantly thinking of getting my journal published, but I do not even know who would publish it. I guess that I would like some publisher like Penguin to publish it. Last night I read Keats for about a half hour. I finished Hyperion today, which is one of Keats’s longer poems. Keats died young, and I do not really want to die as young as he did. I wonder how my journal compares to Keats’s works.

I certainly have written more, but the quality might not be as high. I have kept a journal for about six years. I think that I started writing in October of 1995. Today is really a beautiful day, and the sun and the crocuses are out. I probably should try to publish my journal. If I got sick again, then I might destroy the manuscripts and the disks. I guess that I could always take a hiatus from my journal while I edit it though I might not be able to read much.

Anyway, today really is beautiful. On my bike ride I passed a young woman with a baby and a dog. I passed an old woman walking with a younger man, who was probably her son. I passed a person walking, but I could not tell his age. I passed an old man, who was a regular of the trail. I wonder when the trees will start getting leaves again. There is nothing in the house to eat. I do not know what to write because I am thinking so much about publishing my journal. My bike was making some annoying sounds at the end of my ride. I would not mind getting a new bike with the money that I would get for my journal, but I am dreaming right now. I do not know why I want to publish so badly. The recent time change has messed up my sleep routine. It does not seem like the middle of the week. Tomorrow I want to get a haircut because my hair is obviously pretty long. My hair is not long hair, but I just need a trim.

My arm is feeling better today, and I still do not know what happened to it.

I still have some pain when I bend it. I wore my Sport Hill blue pants that have been recently cleaned, and a good clean pair of pants feels good. My pajamas need a cleaning. I have Bill Blass plaid pajamas, which I got for Christmas, though I wanted to get Brooks Brothers ones. I guess that they did not have any good colors. I do like this spring weather very much. Last night I listened to Handel’s Concerti Grossi Opus 3. I listened to five of the six concertos on the CD, and I like the CD.

I do not, however, like the Concerti Grossi Opus 6 even though they are supposed to be better than the Opus Three. I wish that I was in college, and I would like to live in a dorm room. I kind of wish that I was in college because then I could be in a nice environment. I could look out at the chapel and go to the library whenever I want. Last night my parents went to a poetry reading, but they usually do not go out places. The poet was kind of famous. I do not consider myself a poet or a prose writer. I consider myself a diarist.

I am more of a prose writer than a poetry writer, though, for diary writing is similar to prose. I do not think that journal writing is any less vital than poetry or prose. Tomorrow I get my haircut. I hope that the barber shop in town is open, and it is very convenient to get to. The haircut is average, and the price is pretty good. I wonder if there is any tennis tournament going on now. A reason to publish my journal now is that I might not have much time to live, and it would be nice to have some riches from the book.

I wonder how much money I would make. If I had one million dollars, I probably would buy a new house. Anyway, who knows whether this sudden obsession with publishing will stay strong. I guess that if I got published, the name that I would give to my journal would be My Life, which is the oﬃcial title of my journal. I wonder how one would go about publishing a journal like mine. The birds still have to come up here to Connecticut, but hopefully they will do so pretty soon. There might be something wrong with my bracket on my bike. I have this song in my head from the group Destiny’s Child. The thing is too catchy and annoying. I hope that I do not talk too much in my journal entries.

I am hoping that tonight I will read Keats for about a half hour. This month I want to print out my journal from recent times. There are no good writers these days though there were many good writers before the 1900s. Right now I am kind of tired of writing because I have written for about an hour. I hope that I have written pretty well. Well, I am about through with my entry now. Maybe if I do decide to publish my journal, some good will come out of it though I am a long way from getting it published at this point. I have a lot of editing to do if I were to take up that gargantuan task. Now I have got to go. I wonder if the reader is still reading my entries, and I urge him or her to keep reading, as when I write I have something to say. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Thursday, April 5 2001

I am still considering publishing my journal. Right now it is spring weather, and I do not feel like writing. I thought of giving some of my journal to someone at Trinity. I got my haircut today. The sky is like a flower, and the trees are like the sun. The air is mild and free, and the breeze is as nice as can be. The River Trail is a lovely place, and the river is like the air. Last night I dreamt that I was in a car going down a spooky road in some far-oﬀ town at night. I was with a really rough-talking guy with a painted face like a wrestler. I wonder if this weather will continue.

I do not feel at all like writing, but I might as well write about something interesting. The sky is clear and bright, and the birds chirp some nice melody with all their might. On the clear trail I run and see the river flowing by. I did run today for about a half hour. I can feel the sun on me, and I am wearing Adidas shorts. The trees seem to all approve and say “Hello.” The snow has said goodbye for good, and spring is here.

The flowers are out; how nice, indeed, though only those purple crocuses, not yet the thorny rose, are out. The concrete cannot get me down, as nature now is king. I see the people on the train, and they say “Hi” to me. People are part of nature too, no doubt. Away from all the computer rough and tough, I be in the forest and by the sea. All around the trees are there to compliment the balmy air, and more is when the birds fly right through a clear blue sky. Running I be through the nice trees, when all is calm and when no anger abounds. Gentle day spreads over the dells, where surely some deer are now running free. I cross a bridge on my way in the woods, and I see the water below. I see two mothers with babies in tow, and they tell me to run some miles for them. The baby said “Hi,” and I returned the compliment. The mothers one sees are important for humanity’s destiny. Without mothers one would not discover the nice things of life manifestly. So, through the woods I go, through the nice warm air with my shorts and new shoes. I do not get too tired though I run slowly.

I am not freezing these days because the spring cheers me up. I am not cold outside but warm all through. I hope that the weather lasts for a long time. My obsessions now torment me like a gadfly, but I hope that they can be done.

Obsessions too must have a limit as to how they can torment like a gibbet. They too must be done and sometime before the sun sets in one’s own life. Each torment has its own end. When torment ends, a new beginning may begin, yet new torments then set in.

Yet I should get back to the weather that is as light as a feather though on the moon the feather would float down much faster. The sun is out, and all is bright. No stars as yet fill the night with great delight. I would like to see a pheasant, an eagle, or a falcon spry climb high. I have been reading Keats, and he is fine though he died young right in his prime. So, as to the weather I should put all together all my thoughts. The weather is fine and is surely in its prime.

The grass is becoming green, and all so soon, it seems. I look out and see the

trees and know that soon they too will be green and that they will blossom like the flowers. At a loss of what to write about, I have decided to write some poetry, but I probably am not too good at it.

The day was nice, and my run through the woods was decent. My pace was slow, but my heart was beating faster, no doubt, than my body was running. How good it seems that there is mind as well as body so that if the one fails the other can compensate, yet some might not have either and not be so well disposed. For those there still is hope anew for fresh times in the mountain dew.

I am thinking about publishing my journal, but I do not know if I will be able to. If I do work on my journal this summer, then I might not be able to go to summer school. I got interrupted by a machine while I was reading Keats today. There have been some machines in the center of Windsor making noise. Some museum is being prepared in the town of Windsor, and the museum is the mansion in town. I got a haircut today, and the haircut only took about ten minutes. I walked to the barber shop. The barber was kind of funny because he did not count the many quarters I gave him. I guess that he trusted me or had enough money in his bank account.

If I did publish the journal, I would have to probably give up writing in my journal for a time. God alone has made this day so fine. He alone made the day nice. I hope that in all His grace He will continue to be nice to me as today. I will continue to be a good person because of Him. I do like the Keats book. After I read the book, I will have been done with all of Keats’s works. Keats wrote so little, but what he did write is unique and impressive. His work is unique because he has ideas that I have not read anywhere else.

I think that Keats died when he was twenty-six years old; he died then two years older than me. I wonder when I am going to die. I wonder if I will get psychotic again. I do not want to be insane again, I really do not. Although I feel kind of tired right now, tonight I think that I will get a big rest, and I do not think that I will do anymore academics. Last night I listened to Handel’s Concerti Grossi Opus 3. I ran two loops today. Last night I read Keats for about a half hour. I had a good haircut. There is a father and son operation at the barber shop. The son swore a lot today, when talking about how he went to the store and got a #$%load of pasta. The son said that his daughter would only eat pasta. The father and son in the barber shop talked about food.

People talk way too much about olive oil as if it is some great item in the supermarket. I think that I will go to the bookstore on Saturday though I might not. I am not going to read Balzac anymore, and I do not think that I will read that Tolstoy book because of my obsessions. I cannot say enough about how beautiful it is outside, and what a welcome change this weather is over the winter weather. I am glad that my right arm is feeling better today. My arm barely hurts any more. I think that I should say anymore instead of any more, but who cares.

Anyway, I think that tonight I will rest. Last night I watched some television, and my father had dorm duty till eleven o’ clock.

I have a lot of memories about me playing soccer when younger. I remember that one year I had Matthew Barber’s father as a coach. I remember kicking the ball into the side of the net at John Fitch, and playing games at Northwest Park. Matthew Barber was a friend of mine when I was younger. I remember one play when I was at center forward, and I went through an entire team to score a goal and gave high fives to my teammates. I was a good player, but I let soccer and athletics slide when I started the terrible place called Sage Park Middle School, which is hardly a school.

Now I should write my conclusion. I kind of wish that I could be on the United States national soccer team, as that might be fun at this point in my life. Then when I get to be a bit older, I could quit and start a career of learning. I really liked the game of soccer, and I still would probably have fun passing the ball around. If I was oﬀ of this medicine, I might be playing soccer at college now. Well, I have got to go. I hope that this entry was interesting. I will have to see what happens as far as the publishing goes though I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Sunday, April 8 2001

I am still thinking about publishing my journal, but I am facing an impediment, namely, whether I want my family to read my journal or not, much less the general public. So, here I am not knowing what in the world I should do. I really cannot decide. I went for a shorter run than usual earlier. The day is cold and wet, and I hope that the weather improves soon. I am at a loss for any words. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house and to the bookstore, where I got four books. I am over my brief sickness. Today I was exhausted from the medicine in the morning. I am still reading Keats, and today I read for about an hour.

Keats got kind of boring in his play Otho. I finished the play today, and at the end Ludolph and Auranthe die. Otho is portrayed as the emperor of Germany. Last night I listened to some of Bach’s The Well-Tempered Clavier, and I borrowed this two-CD set from the library. I ran and walked for a quite short time today. I exercised for about twenty-three minutes. I do not know whether I want to publish my journal or not. I guess that now is the time to publish if I am going to do so. I think that I will stop writing in my journal today to figure out what to do. If I decide to publish, then I might not write for a while. I might start up on Tuesday if I do not decide to publish. Bye bye.

Monday, April 9 2001

Today I was supposed to go to a psychiatrist appointment, but I did not get there. Yesterday I did not write a full entry as I should have, so I am hoping that today I can get a full entry in. I do not know if I am going to publish anything. I might not be up to editing my journal though the most recent days do not need

editing. Today I rode my bike for about a half hour on the River Trail, where there were tons of people. I mean that there were just so many people that if it were any other day, they probably would drive me crazy. So, I have not been able to write much in my journal lately. Friday I was still trying to get over my sickness, so I did not write.

Saturday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Yesterday I got caught up in the bug of publishing, which I probably should not have. Today I was going to go to the psychiatrist and then write a half entry, but now I can write a full one since there was not much gas in the Toyota. I went to the car to go to the psychiatrist’s, and I found that there was hardly any gas in there. So, since there was not much gas in there, I am now here at home. I hope that I do not have to go to the psychiatrist this week sometime and that I will be able to see him next week.

Yesterday I read Keats for about an hour and a half. I also made the mistake of reading my journal in greed for about a half hour yesterday, as this time should have been spent on finishing my twenty-minute journal entry.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about publishing my journal, but I did not think about it as much today, as today I thought a lot about me having to go to James Bozzuto’s. Lately though I have been thinking a lot about publishing to the point where yesterday I was so caught up in the thoughts that I stopped writing in my journal and took up reading from my journal from years ago.

Today is a beautiful day, but I kind of wish that it were warmer. I did not do much today except for ride my bike and sit around. I have a knack for sitting around and doing nothing. For example, for the whole day today I only watched about twenty minutes of television and rode my bike. For the rest of the day I merely sat around though the nice weather made that easier. James Bozzuto must feel bad because I did not get there today, and I kind of feel bad too because I want to honor my chores. Anyway, today is a nice day though I have been thinking most about how much I do not want to go to the psychiatrist today.

Those thoughts were going around my head all day today. I just did not want to go to the appointment today, and I was planning on not going until I went for a bike ride, which lifted up my spirits or at least gave me some motivation. Yes, I think that it did lift up my spirits because conquering my fears became easier. I mean my fears about going to the psychiatrist.

I feel kind of in shock right now because after all that thought today to get me to go, it turns out that I am going to stay right here. Now at least I am able to write a full journal entry. I left a message on James Bozzuto’s answering machine. I said that my parents did not put any gas in the car, and I asked if I could make another appointment. I wonder what I would have talked about with James today. He would have asked me about what book I was reading, and about my plans concerning college. I hope that I will be able to write in this journal for a lot this week to make up for some lost time. Still, publishing might be a good plan. On my bike ride today I passed two young women who were pushing strollers. I passed some people whom I usually pass, and they were with a

woman whom I had never seen before. I passed a lady who had some fat legs and who wore a dress. Who knows she might have been nice, but the way she dressed was not. I passed an older couple, and the lady had braces on her arms attached to poles to help her walk. They were like two canes only they were attached at her arms.

I think that I saw a cardinal near the house. I like cardinals. Today it is quite sunny. Yesterday I was reading a poem called Lamia. I finished the Otho play yesterday too. I like Lamia better actually. The poem is kind of a magical ditty. So far Hermes has freed a lady from her being turned into a snake. Now she is transformed back into a lady, and a man who is named like Lycius or something is looking for her love. I think that he lives in Corinth, so the scene is near Italy. Otho ended with the death of Ludolph and Auranthe, who had just been married. Because of the treachery of Auranthe, Ludolph, the son of Otho, was killed. He died in much the same way as old Goriot died, both from having their nerves too greatly strained. I can tell that medicine was not as advanced when those book were written because these days one would never write that someone died from a nervous ailment.

I hope that this spring weather remains. I miss college very much, I must say. I miss being around people, and I wish that I did not suﬀer from this illness. I am hoping to finish Keats pretty soon. He wrote so little. I would not really mind being a poet actually though I would probably have to rhyme too many words. I went to the bookstore on Saturday, and I got four books by Nadine Gordimer, Shelley, Dante, and a German epic. The books should be all right though I wish that I had a chemistry textbook to read. All I did today was sit outside and inside. I guess that I am imitating what a catatonic would do though I should not make fun of them. Maybe in some ways I am a catatonic schizophrenic because I do sit around a whole lot on this terrible medicine. If I am catatonic, it is because of this medicine though being catatonic does not necessarily come from being on medicine.

I told my dad today that there was no gas in the car, and he said that he was sorry. He asked me if I called. I felt bad that I had to cancel the appointment today, for I was all ready to go. The psychiatrist probably will be kind of annoyed though maybe he will be more disappointed. He will probably not call for a pretty long time. Anyway, I hope that I see James Bozzuto, say, next Monday.

Summer school starts soon, and it looks like I will not be going. I feel kind of sick today, but that is probably from sitting around all the time. I hope that tonight I will be able to read Keats for about a half hour. I did have a good bike ride today, and I did not have to wear my jacket. Instead I wore my purple Champion sweatshirt and my blue Sport Hill pants. So, the font that I am writing with is terrible. Yesterday I exercised for too short. Today is the first time since Thursday I think that I was able to exercise for the full amount.

I did have a good visit at Mamaw and Popee’s house on Saturday though I did not get to play ping-pong with Popee. He was not up to playing since he fell

the time before, yet he told me that he would play this week. I sat outside with my mom and Mamaw. I saw the Gaumers working. They were cleaning their yard, and they live two houses down from Mamaw and Popee’s. I had a piece of cherry pie at Mamaw and Popee’s. I did not stay too long outside- I do not know why though I was kind of cold. Mamaw and mom had chairs, and I sat on the stairs for lack of anything else to sit on. I mentioned how strange the weather was with it being nice one day and rainy the next. Mamaw loaned my mom a movie called Saving Private Ryan.

The cherry pie was really good. Popee asked me how many books I got at the bookstore. I think that he also recently went to a bookstore but that he could not find the Robert Johnson book that he was looking for. I have got to go now. I am very glad that I was able to write a full entry today. I hope that I can have this week free, but I might not have it free. Well, I am oﬀ now fair reader. Bye bye.

Tuesday, April 10 2001

Here I am, and I want to write about how I have been assaulted by schizophrenia. I try to fight back, but the battle is almost always won by the illness. Now today I have fought hard, yet I still struggle. My thoughts of good and evil are ever present. I am constantly talking to God also, and that makes me more than pious. I keep saying the same chants over and over again. It is as if I have rituals that I have to perform all the time. What a relief it would be if I did not have these crazy thoughts, as crazy they must be. I do not think that the medicine does enough, as I have these continual beliefs all the time. For instance I believe that animals are reincarnated humans, who were neutral in their lives. I am not in college. I do not have any friends right now either.

The one thing that has helped me today is the beautiful sunny weather.

Another thing that is bothering me are my obsessive thoughts. I have these thoughts all the time, and they make me time my journal entries, reading times, and exercise times. For example, I have to read in either hour or half-hour intervals. I can never read for forty minutes at a time or more than an hour at a time. I also sit around all the time. After I read, I have to wait lying down for at least ten minutes before I can sit up. My life down to every minute is planned out, it seems, and is not far from wrong.

I keep thinking about me having to be good. All day all I basically tell myself continuously is, “Jon, you must be good. My Lord, I must be good.” I also often tell myself, “Get thee hence Satan. Good always defeats evil. I must beware of the Antichrist.” I tell myself other things too. I have a crazy routine every day. I probably do not do much to help myself, and I should reach out more. I really want to return to Trinity College. I am just not sane enough right now, though, so maybe I could go to a day-treatment center in Hartford for a while. I am still in Trinity College. I want to have some friends. I have a nice family, it seems.

Today I read Keats for an hour, rode my bike for about a half hour, and wrote some scenes of myself in the mental hospital for about an hour.

What has helped me a lot is this nice weather, and I was outside for some time today. I cannot do much with this illness taking over my life; I cannot seem to get out of a fixed routine. Right now I am shy to even mention some intimate things about myself. Anyway, the River Trail is flooded today. I want more than anything to go to Trinity College. I do not want to be alone here. I still am a student there. The people there have been really kind and understanding to me. I do not know if I will ever be cured of this illness and if ever I will be on my own. My obsessive thing make me feel quite sad. Right now I feel depressed. I would rather be at college right now. Today the church music annoyed me at noon.

Keats is a good writer. I feel alone right now because I am not in Trinity College, but I should be there. I should be taking exams at this point in the year. I think that my sister comes home this weekend and that Easter is coming up soon.

I cannot help but think constantly of good and evil. Lately for the past month or two I have been thinking that I was good. This is better than being neutral good, which I surmised that I was before. I thought pretty much everyone else was evil. So, I became frightened of all humanity. I ignored almost everyone. I mean that I just did not want to make any friends, when all were evil. I thought that going to college would be an evil thing to do. I thought that reading too much and that riding my bike for more than a half hour were evil.

Now I do not know what to do with this journal.

I have been thinking about publishing it, but that would take a lot of editing. The journal surely is not safe here at home because if I get psychotic again then, I might burn it or throw it in the river or something. There is no telling what I would do with it, and I am surprised that through my prior episodes, so to speak, I did not damage my journal. I am rebelling right now against this terrible illness, two illnesses really counting my obsessive thing. It seems like I have every psychic illness possible, as I have obsessions, anxiety, and psychotic thoughts.

I do not have more personalities than my own, though, and I am not too depressed really. Anyway, I am lucky to be only taking one medicine. Lately I have been thinking that I was good. This gave me comfort, and I had to continue to be good by doing good things, which meant setting a strict schedule that I had to abide by. Without abiding by it for every second of every day, I would either go down to being neutral good or become the Antichrist, which was a terrible thing. I have long held the belief (and even after I got out of the mental hospital and back to school) that when I got psychotic, I became the Antichrist,. For many months I believed that I was evil at college, and only today do I see with several other days of relative sanity that I might not have been the Antichrist when I was at Trinity College.

I still have a lot of life to live really. Well, who knows how much left I have, and I might die young like John Keats. I am only twenty-four, but I might die

really young. I must complain about this medicine that I am on, for it slows me down considerably. I have little physical energy, and I can barely run, not to mention the added weight the medicine added on to me. I wish that there were some other medicine that I could take that could cure my malady. I wish that there were some schizophrenia medicine that could cure me. I wish that I could take one pill one day and that the disease would pack up its things and move out.

If I were cured, then I would play a lot of tennis. I might play in a band at college too, would likely get pretty good grades as well, and might even have a girlfriend. I would certainly have many girls who were friends, blush blush. I am about through with this entry right now. Yesterday I read for about a half hour, got to ride my bike, and wrote in my journal. Now I am sounding like the psychotic Jonathan when I say what I did in such a cold tone. Anyway, I like to be called Jon. The psychiatrist calls me Jonathan. Mamaw and Popee, though, call me Jon. I hope that I have not made a fool of myself just now. Things might pick up, but I probably will just fall back into the pit of this illness. I must try to do better than last time I tried, and I must try to fight back if I can. Now I am going to go. I hope that I can get through tonight all right and through the coming days with God’s help. Without His help my life is pointless. I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader fine tidings and hopes for the future. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Wednesday, April 11 2001

Hi. I am writing still probably full in my psychosis and surely full in my obsessive thoughts. I keep sinking down into my psychotic thoughts. I cannot escape, and I drown in these thoughts. I try to reach for a life preserver, but I cannot find any. I am alone. My obsessive thoughts are always there telling me to portion my time like I have been. I finished the Keats book today, and I am reading The House Gun by Nadine Gordimer. The book is pretty good actually. I ran for about a half hour today, and I passed a lot of Loomis Chaﬀee girls. I keep falling back into the old routine, which is deceitfully addicting. The routine is an opiate for my life, without which things would seem to fall into chaos. I rarely talk to my mom, and I never talk to my dad. I hurt because of it, yet these old psychotic thoughts come back to me and prevent my reaching out for help for fear of evil. Today was pretty warm though not as warm as yesterday. I had a lot of energy on my run for this medicine.

I read a total of about an hour and fifty minutes today. Like I said, I finished the Keats book so that that was money well spent and not wasted. I hope that I will be able to read The House Gun through and that I will not let my obsessions tell me that watching “Law and Order” and reading that book would give me too much law to handle. The House Gun is about this son who is charged with murder, and the parents cannot believe the charge. I did not sit out on the porch today because it simply was not warm enough for that. I am writing this after dinner. For dinner I had some good meatloaf. I think that my sister will be

coming home from Wheaton College this weekend. I am looking forward to printing up this journal, and I plan on doing so at the end of this month.

Last night I listened to a Wagner CD, and I have two of these. I think that the first CD has overtures on it and that the second has some preludes on it. I like the second CD better as of now. Wagner composed in the nineteenth century, and the pieces that I listened to last night were from his various operas. Wagner is very well known in academics circles. Anyway, I do not know how I am going to keep up my academics. More importantly, I do not know how I am going to get sane. I consider myself pretty psychotic as of now.

Well, as long as I can keep my spirits up, I suppose that I will be all right.

Things, of course, could be much worse, and I should be happy with the blessings that I do have. I might have to fall back into my old schedule again, as I cannot seem to take much reality in my life. Today I am going to write for about a half hour seeing as how yesterday I wrote a lot compared with the usual. I wrote that piece of the scenes in the mental hospital. Last night I struggled to enter back into reality, but I find it quite hard to do so. I feel like I am a Tantalus, struggling to get sanity and coming ever so close only to see it snap back. Yet unlike Tantalus sometimes I seem to hold on to that life preserver, but only to see myself go back under and the life preserver disappear.

At a time like this I cannot help thinking about the Divine Comedy by Dante, which is the bane for all schizophrenics. I guess that I might surmise where in that whole idea I stand. In Keats I read a poem, which was a fairy tale. The tale was about a prince fairy, who was in love with a human woman. The fairy did not want to marry the fairy who was chosen for him and who was brought to him with so much pomp in the procession. Well, I have got to go now, as time is up. Bye bye.

Thursday, April 12 2001

Hi. Today is by no means sunny. Today is cold and wet, and unlike spring days. I am reading a book called The House Gun by Nadine Gordimer, which is the kind of book that might be assigned for Loomis Chaﬀee students. Today I read for about an hour and exercised for about a half hour. I got up really late probably because I kept getting woken up in the morning by the trains passing by. I hate living next to train tracks. I feel terribly depressed today. It seems to take a gargantuan eﬀort simply to keep up any kind of schedule. I walked on the River Trail today, and part of the trail is flooded.

One part that I was on was almost flooded over. The water was right at the base of the trail in this part. I hope that I do not get psychotic anytime soon; I really do not want to get psychotic. This medicine makes me so tired. I got up really late today. Yesterday I could only write for about a half entry, and I hope that today I will be able to write for a full entry. The book The House Gun is

pretty good, and it is lighter reading than what I have been reading. I feel awfully tired now. I only saw a mother and her son on the River Trail today.

Today there is a light drizzle out. The drizzle is actually barely perceptible.

So, there is some barely perceptible precipitation out. Yes, there is. The trees and flowers have yet to bloom. The weather is really cold today, and the river is flooded. I saw a lot of nice birds on the River Trail today. Yes, I did. Gordimer sometimes has small sentences just like the last one. The book is about this young man Duncan, who was accused of murder, and he is in prison right now awaiting trial. His parents are very worried about him. That is normal, I guess. I think that Duncan’s mom’s name is Claudia, but I forget what his dad’s name is. I think that it actually is Harald and that they all live in South Africa. Their lawyer thinking that Duncan is hostile is a bad sign, and he thinks that he may be hiding something. His mom all along has thought that he was innocent. The parents have talked to one of Duncan’s friends, who told them that Duncan had seen Duncan’s girlfriend cheat on him. Later, the man who was with his girlfriend was shot, so Duncan was charged with his murder.

I do not know if my journal will ever get published, and I do not even know if I can continue writing in it. I have not thought too much today about that. I just feel depressed. I never can seem to have any good mornings. Although I want to sleep well, I am woken up usually probably at about five o’ clock in the morning by something or other, and today it was a freight train. I cannot go back to sleep because the church ringing starts at like seven or eight, and that nearly always wakes me up. Last night, I listened to Dvorak’s Seventh Symphony.

Tonight I probably will watch the show “The Pretender.” I saw that last night, as I am delaying “Law and Order” until I finish The House Gun. I do not want to be exposed to more law than I need to. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday, and I do not know if I will be able to make it.

I hope that my journal entries are not too boring. They might seem kind of provincial, as Balzac might say. I do not at all like that expression, as it demeans. I need some new shoes, as I have had the same Adidas shoes for way too long.

Last night I watched “The Pretender” though I do not want to get into that show too much. Hopefully, I will be able to print this journal out this month. The House Gun is a medium-sized book, which was written quite recently. I wonder when the trees will begin to get leaves.

Some flowers are starting to bloom in the yard though at a very early stage, and I do not know what the flowers are called though they look like little yellow bells. I see some kids walking on the railroad tracks right now. I wonder if someone could tell if I was a schizophrenic by my writing. According to the news, there a lot of schizophrenics in prison. One of them died recently, and it said that sometimes he did not get his medicine. I think that that is terrible. I certainly could be sent to prison if I got psychotic again. I wonder when it will start getting warmer. It is kind of annoying that I have made a lot of spelling errors today. I hope that tomorrow it is kind of warm. I am looking forward to

the leaves coming on the trees and to the flowers in the small garden in the front yard blooming.

I wish that I had a bigger garden. Loomis Chaﬀee would do good to have its own garden. I kind of would like a plant in my room. I feel much less depressed in nice weather. When it is sunny and warm, I feel quite happy. The weather has a great impact on my health at this point in the year, when I am tired of the cold weather. Last night on “The Pretender,” Jarod and Ms. Parker were fighting for their lives. One was in the hospital, while Jarod was out in the wilderness trying to stay alive. I think that “Law and Order” is a better show though.

I wonder how many schizophrenics there are in prison. I would hate to be in prison. The mental hospital is like prison in that one rarely gets to go out, and the atmosphere in the mental hospital tends to be stifling. I can only stay there with myself intact for about two weeks. Not being outside for two whole weeks is almost unbearable, much less for years like some people must be in there for.

The Hartford mental hospital that I went to is the nicest around. There is a room where the television is and a room where there are games and newspapers. One has one’s own room, which is bigger than a prison cell at least. I would really despise being in prison. I could not imagine myself surviving at say Rikers, the famous prison. I learned of Rikers by watching “Law and Order.” I just hope that I will be able to keep reading The House Gun, which is pretty good. I learned about Nadine Gordimer at Loomis Chaﬀee, when I liked one of her short stories.

I hope that tonight I will be able to read for about a half hour. I have to bring back my CDs to the library next week, and I will bet that I have a fine on my account. The CDs that I have used a lot are the two Dvorak CDs and the Handel CD. I listened to some Bach too. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will read some tonight. Then hopefully I can maybe get back into some kind of schedule though I do not know if I even will be able to get into this schedule. Someday I really hope that some brilliant and kind scientists will find a cure for schizophrenia. Until then I have to wait and keep up the important hope. Now, however, I am oﬀ. I wish the reader a fine day and good tidings. Farewell, fair readers. Bye bye.

Friday, April 13 2001

Today has been hard on me emotionally, for the dog has been barking. I feel awfully tired right now. I read for about an hour today, and I also exercised for about a half hour. I could barely walk on my exercise. I tried putting one foot in front of the other, but I could barely walk. The medicine does this to me.

Today is a beautiful day. My sister is coming home tomorrow. On Sunday, Mamaw and Popee are coming over for Easter, and I will probably get some chocolate then.

I got to walk some on the River Trail today. I was hoping to run for a full half hour, but my ankle was bothering me. I walked some on the trail, and I did not see anyone on the trail though I did see a man playing horseshoes near it.

Like I mentioned, at one time I could hardly walk. I was too tired, and I was taking only little steps. I felt like sitting down. Eventually, I got to walking a little faster. My ankle does not hurt when I only walk on, and the ankle that hurts is the right one.

When I was taking little steps I think that I was reminded of the movie What About Bob? in which Bob is a mental patient, who read a psychiatrist’s book and is taking little baby steps to get better. He lives in the world, but he has a problem with anxiety, I think. The film is a really funny comedy. Today I got up at around five o’ clock. I was woken up early by a train. This morning I tried counting how many times I got up, and I got up probably over five times this morning by various noises from the town, like the train and the beeping of construction vehicles. Through the night I woke up about ten or fifteen times probably. Well, maybe about five times. I had such a diﬃcult time staying asleep.

I just wish that I could live in a castle. Maybe I could live in a castle and have my own quiet room, where there would be no distractions. I could have a big living room and a big bedroom. The book that I am reading is good. Duncan admits to murdering his girlfriend, and the parents met this girlfriend. The book is pretty well written. The girlfriend said that Duncan was spoiled. She cheated on him, and he caught her with the other man and killed him. I do not know why I want to live in a castle. I guess that I could be like Batman who lived in a castle. I like those movies. So, tomorrow my sister gets home.

She might spend the summer in Spain. I feel so tired right now. Today I am writing a full entry, but I am writing slowly because I just do not have much energy. My mom was home today. I think that I have a stress headache right now and that I might just be going kind of crazy since so many stress things are attacking me right now. Well, I am about done with my entry now. I sure hope that this summer will not be a terrible one. Now I am oﬀ. I will see the reader tomorrow maybe. Bye bye.

Monday, April 16 2001

Last night I got a good night’s sleep, which is the first good sleep that I have gotten in a long time. Yesterday I was too tired even to run. Yesterday was Easter. Today I had a psychiatrist appointment, but I did not go. Over the weekend I did not do much. Today, like I said, I had a psychiatrist appointment, and I have not gone to it. I hope that James Bozzuto does not call while I am writing this. My dad is not home yet. I just want to get a full entry in today. Today I read for about an hour, and I ran for about a half hour. I read a little after lunch. Last night was the first time that I got a good night’s sleep in a while. Today I have

energy, but I am going to take it easy and not do any more academics probably for the rest of the day.

The book that I am reading is pretty good. Nadine Gordimer proves that there is hope for the writer of present time. Now my dad is home, so if the psychiatrist calls, I will have to talk to him. My luck has suddenly changed. I do not understand why I have to write under these conditions. The psychiatrist will probably call, and I will be have to talk to him. Still, as time goes by the greater the chance that he will not call me. Last night I flipped through The New York Times really quickly. On Saturday I listened to Mozart’s Requiem, and the piece has been resonating somewhat annoyingly through my head often. I do like the piece, but not how it joins my mind a lot.

Yesterday I had Easter dinner with Mamaw and Popee over here, and my sister was there too. I was extremely tired yesterday. Mamaw took a picture of me on the sofa, and I told her that she was sending me mixed signals, as she was telling me to look tired and then to smile. Today I had the fastest run that I have had in months probably, showing that I have gotten over my tiredness though running is still diﬃcult for me to do. Today I did pretty well. When I say that running is diﬃcult, I mean that it takes a lot out of me, much more than say biking does. The river has flooded some fields at Loomis Chaﬀee. I wore shorts on my run today.

Today is nicer than I expected, as I thought that it would be cold and gray. Today is sunny out. I can see some green coming out on the bushes in the yard. My sister left for college yesterday, but she is coming home for one day on Tuesday. I have been watching a lot of television lately though there has really not been much good on. I hope that the leaves will get on the trees soon.

Yesterday at Easter Mamaw asked me for some news, and I answered her that I was tired.

At Easter I ate dinner at about two o’ clock. Popee had a half of a cream puﬀ for dessert, as he likes those. My sister put her arm around me two times yesterday. My mom, Popee, and I took a walk to the end of the driveway. Popee was taking extremely slow steps, and at the end of the walk he mentioned that he could not have gone any slower. He was talking about how there was a lot of wealth in his family, but that he did not get any of it. He mentioned how he would have liked to have gotten a lot of money. All of this one relative’s money went to his wife.

If Popee had gotten the money, he would be living in a huge house now.

Right now it is really sunny. Today I ran around the train station and then down Broad Street. This is my usual route. Probably the most diﬃcult part of my run is running up the big hill on Broad Street though I like running up it. On top of the hill is a pretty level part of the street, and I went farther down this street today than I have in quite a long time. Although my ankle is not entirely whole as a knight of Camelot might say, some days it does not bother me much, and today was such a day. I have missed my last two psychiatrist appointments. I

missed the one last week because there was no gas in the car, and I missed today’s appointment because I had not been getting much sleep. I really want to write a good entry today. I saw a man lately digging in the forest in the backyard, but I do not know why the guy was digging. He had a wheelbarrow with him. There are some kids who play lacrosse against a wall near this house.

I can see a lot of the river from my vantage point in this room. There is a lot of water flooding the fields, which look more like a place to dock a boat than school fields. I did not pass many people on my run today though I did pass Louise Moran. I saw her walking near the dog pound, and I think that her daughter Kelly went back to college with Liz yesterday. Out in the front yard there are some flowers that look nice. There are not many crocuses out, though, as they all disappeared in the cold weather and have not come back.

The flowers that are there are nice though. I must say that God has helped me to retain my sanity in these tough days. God has let me sleep, and sleep is obviously a very important thing. After I write this, I think that I will relax. Then I guess that I will watch television for the rest of the day. The day is really nice. I am looking forward to reading some poetry after I finish the Nadine Gordimer book. I still have a lot to read coming up. Yesterday I watched a movie called Aliens, which was on television. Well, I am about through with my entry now. I hope that I can continue with my academics. Today really is a beautiful day, and I am looking forward to the spring. Now I am oﬀ, fair readers. I hope that the readers are doing well. Bye bye.

Wednesday, April 18 2001

I did not write yesterday because I did not have the energy. I was just thinking now that I have to do something with my life. I need to get a job or to go to some program. I kind of want to do just something. Yesterday I read for about two hours. Today after I got up, I was so tired that I had to put my head down, and I stayed like that for about forty minutes. I was awake and yet not awake.

The medicine really messes me up. Today I was too tired for a run, so I took a walk. There was n0 one on the trail today. Today is quite cold though the sun is out. I just have nothing to do here at home, and I am too tired to read, write, or run, it seems. Yet it is a good sign that I am writing here. The psychiatrist has not called yet. The river got less flooded today. Yesterday the river was up high next to the River Trail. I have been watching a lot of television though I am not happy about that.

Tomorrow I think that I will go to the Windsor Library to bring back some CDs. It is disappointing that I cannot seem to keep up any kind of schedule anymore. If I got a job, I probably would work in some kind of clothes store, and I would try to work in like Abercrombie. Right now though I cannot see myself working there because I am too cowardly as far as going out. The way the psychiatrist asks me if I have seen the outside world is he asks me if I have gone

out anywhere. I usually say every time that I go there that I still have a hard time going out.

I have been having a lot of dreams lately, but I cannot remember them right oﬀ the top of my head. Last night I was kind of cold, as it was a cold night last night though I am not complaining about that. Lately I have been wanting to return to Trinity College, and I have been thinking that I could maybe take more medicine that would enable me to go there. I do not take that thought too seriously though because I do not want to take more of this tiring stuﬀ. On my walk today some girls riding bikes passed me, and one had on a cute small backpack-type thing. They were probably in middle school. Anyway, I did not have enough energy to run today.

I barely had enough energy to run to the River Trail, and I got out of breath in the about five minutes that it took to get to the trail. The bushes are starting to get green. I do not know what I am going to do with myself, and I cannot just be a vegetable here at home. I want to do something, but this illness and this medicine both combine to give me a hard time doing anything. My obsessions are still here too. I would like to go to a job if I could have one. I would not mind working at the Westfarms Mall or doing pretty much any job if it would help me to get back to college.

I really want to return to Trinity College. I remember when Thomas Hill told me that Trinity was a better place for me than the University of Hartford because the people from the University of Hartford came from New Jersey. I would be happy though to go to any university, and the doctor was wrong to be biased in this way. I have not written much in my journal recently. Of course, I think that it is right to keep up my journal, but things have not been going well for me of late. I have also been watching probably far too much television. I have, however, been able to sit outside on the porch in the nice weather.

I liked watching the various birds come by. I like the blue jays and the robins very much. There is something about those robins that I like, which is probably their orange chest. I saw a bus coming out from the road to Loomis Chaﬀee today, and it was a nice bus. I wonder what games are going on today. My sister is coming home tomorrow from college. She has to bring the car back, and she is leaving tomorrow too. I do not know when I ever will have a psychiatrist appointment. I kind of would like to go to that treatment program, where I can talk to people about my psychosis. Anything to lessen my psychosis would help.

I just do not know if I am too far gone for any kind of driving every day almost to the hospital. I also do not know if it is just a question of the ability to drive to the hospital. In other words, I might not be too psychotic, but I might not want to drive a lot. I get up in the morning so late that I would miss part of the program though I do not really want to go to the Institute of Living. I would rather go to Hartford Hospital. I certainly do not want to get psychotic again. My

psychiatrist does not seem to keep up with schizophrenic research because he never mentions it. I wonder if a new drug will come out sometime soon.

I guess that I should stick with this annoying drug for the time being. The stuﬀ makes me really tired. I used to be able to run really fast and to read a lot, but now my life has simply taken a dreadful turn. I can only walk now. I cannot seem to get too much reading done though I can do some. Yesterday, for example, I managed to read for about two hours. I just wish that I could get up early at about nine o’clock and stay up. There really is not much to do in this house. Today on my walk, I noticed how high the water was. There is a lot of flooding still. The bridge was covered with water yesterday, but now it can be seen. Of late I have been watching a lot of television, including the news, “The Pretender,” and parts of movies.

Last night on the news nothing much is up. The news is kind of boring. Since the China incident has ended, there has been nothing to watch though I am glad that the China incident is over. I mean that the incident gave something to watch for in the news, but now that it is over there is not much to see. Still, I am glad that the incident is over. I just devastated those last few sentences. “The Pretender” is kind of fake, but kids might like it. In the episode last night, which I already saw, Ms. Parker’s boyfriend was killed, and they are trying to uncover who did it.

The show has a lot of technology in it. Last night I asked my mom to order some Mozart symphonies on CDs, and she ordered them last night though I am not sure how many she ordered. She ordered them on the Internet. I am not too tired right now, but I am tired for most of the night and day. The medicine wears oﬀ some around this time.

I sometimes have dreams about people breaking into Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I have to either hide or defend myself with the gun that is in the house. I think that in the house there is in reality a gun; at least there was several years ago. When I hide, I went up to the third floor. I think that I also used the window to get out. I usually can remember my dreams in the morning, but I have forgotten them now. I have a sore throat right now and have had it for the past two days, but I am hoping that it is nothing serious. The weather is probably going to get warmer as the days go on this week, according to the news. I am looking forward to the times when the leaves are on the trees, and I wonder when the leaves will start to come on. The bushes have gotten kind of green first. Some flowers are in full bloom. Now I have got to go, but I am glad that I have written a full entry today. I hope that I can continue writing in my journal, no matter what I decide to do with my life. I am oﬀ now. Farewell, fair reader, and keep reading this journal if you want to. Bye bye.

Friday, April 20 2001

Hi. Of course, lately I think that I have been having problems doing much.

In the mornings lately I have simply been too tired to do much, and I cannot seem to keep up a schedule. The dog has not been barking, but I have been so tired. My eyes cannot keep open. Today really is a beautiful day. The sun is out, and it is warm. I am looking forward to getting my Mozart CDs. Yesterday I brought back some CDs to the Windsor Library though I did not take out any new CDs. I had a super run today. I ran surprisingly well, and my ankle did not bother me. I ran a respectable jog by any standard though I cannot call it a run. Yesterday I read for about an hour and a half. I am almost finished with The House Gun, and I would like to see how it ends. I will bet that Duncan will be found guilty but that he will not get too much time. The defense attorney’s name is Motsamai, and he is an African. Today I did not pass anyone on my run except for one person, and he asked me if a bus had passed by. I did not know how to answer the question. I did not want to stop and talk to the young man either.

This morning I was very tired, and I could not do anything but lie in my bed or sit on the porch. My schedule is nonexistent, and I am not able to do academics as I would like. Today I wore my Champion purple sweatshirt and some black Adidas soccer shorts, which were good for the warm weather. There are these kids nearby who play lacrosse, soccer, and tennis against a wall. I am not sure if there is one kid doing it or two, but they do it alone. The house has a wooden wall that they play on.

I did not get to write yesterday, and I certainly have had a diﬃcult time keeping up any type of schedule. Yesterday I walked for about a half hour. Well, I ran for about ten minutes and walked for about twenty minutes if one wants to be exact. Today I saw a Windsor kid in his old red Toyota, a Windsor kid whom I see as legendary because I have seen him in Windsor throughout my youth.

There are not many Windsor kids who stick around. One who did was a black kid who used to skate and who I have seen pretty lately in the Windsor Library at a computer. Also, another is one of the Jankovics, whom I saw in the last couple weeks on the River Trail with his handy skateboard. I have been thinking about publishing this journal, but that might not be easy. I would have to seriously edit a lot of the content because of some stuﬀ that I would not want printed. Next week I hope that I will be able to print the recent contents of this journal.

By the way, I really like my Nike running shoes. They are very comfortable, and they have lasted pretty long so far. Also, they come out with stylish new models every year though the people who make them are in bad shape. They do not get enough money, I mean. It must be diﬃcult for those people in, say, Vietnam to make American sneakers for little money, for making shoes for a country far away is not fun for most. If the employees were making shoes for people in Vietnam, then they might feel better. The United States gets all the benefit of those people’s good work. I am hoping that I will be able to read some today.

The book that I am reading is pretty good. The book is about how Duncan shot a person, who was having intimate relations with Duncan’s girlfriend.

Motsamai is arguing that the murder was not premeditated, but the prosecution is arguing that it was. Claudia and Harald are his parents, and they love him very much. They are at his trial with Duncan’s friend Khulu Dladla. His parents are very concerned for him. Part of Motsamai’s strategy was to tarnish the reputation of Duncan’s girlfriend, and at first he does this by asking his girlfriend Natalie if she is pregnant. She said that she was. Then Motsamai asked who the father was.

Natalie said that she did not know and that she did not care. Motsamai also showed how Duncan had saved Natalie’s life, when she attempted to drown herself. Natalie before had also tried to kill herself with pills. Motsamai wants to show how Duncan was the victim of Natalie. The name of the person whom Duncan killed is Carl. The day after Duncan found Carl and Natalie making love on the couch, he was thinking a lot in his cottage near the house where he found them. They all lived on the same complex. He said that his dog roused him out of his thinking and that he found himself in the garden. When he went in the house, Carl laughed about it and said that what he did was not much.

Duncan saw the gun, which was for protection for the group of friends (including Duncan), lying around. To shut up the talking Carl, who was oﬀending Duncan by talking so much, Duncan shot him.

There are two psychiatrists consulted, one for Motsamai and one for the prosecution. The one for the prosecution made the case that Duncan was not in a state of shock, as Motsamai’s psychiatrist said, but was in full possession of his mental faculties. The psychiatrist also said that he was the type to brood about what had happened and to have come up with his plan the next day in the cottage to shoot Carl. The other psychiatrist on Motsamai’s side said that Duncan was still in a state of shock the next day and that, when he was with Carl, he had a blankout in which he just almost unconsciously took up the gun and shot Carl. I remember when Thomas Hill did not believe that I understood what I read when I was doing my own reading, and this comment hurting me for a long time is why I still remember it. So, sometimes when I write about what book I am reading I think that I have to prove to someone that I understand the book, and that thought, though not making me write about The House Gun, was running through my mind a bit as I was writing about it. Thomas Hill said a lot of discouraging things, and I could not tell if he was on my side or not. Now my psychiatrist is James Bozzuto, and I guess that I like him more though I am not sure yet of his ability as a psychiatrist. I am talking a lot about psychiatrists lately in this paragraph. I surely do not want to go to some mental institution again, and I want to stay as far away from them as possible. I am downright afraid of them though the one in Hartford is a very good one compared with some others.

I wonder if this journal could ever be published; I will bet that I could get this journal published if I edited it, but I do not know how well I would take any sort of attention on myself. I would probably get antsy or something. I hope that I will be able to get back on my schedule again though I do not know if I will be

able to. I just feel so incredibly tired in the morning that I do not much want to do anything then, but maybe I should try walking in the morning every day to alleviate the tiredness. Well, I am about through with this entry today. If I finish The House Gun, I wonder how much time if any Duncan will get for his sentence. Motsamai is a good attorney. Tonight I think that I will listen to some Wagner. I will see the reader in the coming weeks of spring if I can get back on track. I am oﬀ, fair reader. Bye bye.

Monday, April 23 2001

I have not been able to read much. Today I was translating some of the Odyssey for about an hour. I have been wondering what to do this spring. I went on a bike ride for about a half hour, so so far I am doing all right on the outside. Yet it is a problem that I cannot read. I have been thinking about getting my journal published though I do not know if I am up for editing it. I do not know if my journal will ever be published, but I guess that I could try to publish stuﬀ. To tell the truth, I am really a mess. I do not know what to do during the day. I started translating the Odyssey yesterday, but now I have an obsession that tells me that I should not translate it. Today is really a beautiful day, and I kind of wish that I was outside now.

I have been through a lot since Friday, when I wrote last. I guess that I should stick with the Odyssey. I think that a teacher whom I had in middle school is Paul Murray, and I think that the translator for the Odyssey is an A.M. Murray. So, my obsession is telling me not to translate the Odyssey because of this. I did not much like the middle school teacher. Yet it is more than that, for I remember meeting him in the Windsor Library a couple of years ago. My psychotic thoughts are telling me that I cannot translate the book because when I talked to him last I was the Antichrist. So, both the obsession and the psychotic thought is hampering me. I like translating the Odyssey though I do not much like the Iliad. I am going pretty slowly translating the Odyssey, and I am using the Greek lexicon that I got as a prize at Trinity College.

So far a lot has happened in the opening lines. Homer tells the goddess, the daughter of Zeus, to tell the story of Odysseus. He told of how some of Odysseus’ companions ate the cattle of Hyperion Helios. I think that Hyperion is a god of the sun and that it is probably the same Hyperion referred to in Keats’s Hyperion. Today is quite warm. I slept pretty well last night though I was woken up this morning by tons of annoying sounds from outside. Homer mentions how Odysseus was stuck with the nymph Calypso for a year, and she wanted him for her husband though Odysseus loves his wife. I like returning to the Greek language, as I think that it is quite interesting. I think that I have a knack for languages and that this medicine does the least damage when it comes to translating from a diﬀerent language.

I can say at least that I can translate pretty well, and I like languages pretty much. My best languages are in order: Latin, Greek, and Russian. I like all of those languages a lot. I just wish that I could keep reading books in English.

Maybe someday when I have my own house, I can return to reading. Last night I watched a lot of television, but I do not much like what is on television these days. Last night I saw most of a movie called The Secret of My Success starring Michael J. Fox, and I like him as an actor. Yesterday I rode my bike for about a half hour. My bike today seemed noisier than usual, so some of my gears might be stripped. The book that I started yesterday was a book of Shelley’s poetry and prose. I thought that his poetry was good but that it was not as good as Keats’s.

I have not written since Friday, and on Friday I do not think that I slept well. I slept well Saturday night and Sunday night. My not seeing

Mamaw and Popee this weekend makes me regretful, and I hope that I will see them this weekend. Today I hope that I will be able to translate for about a half hour after dinner. God has supported me through all my tough times, and He counts for a whole lot in my life. I owe Him a lot for my being able to enjoy these spring days, and I look up to Him a lot for my health. He brings the spring bounty this season. Today I had a pretty good bike ride. This morning there was a lot of noise near the house. There were many construction vehicles around near the grocery store. There was one huge yellow metal vehicle making tons of noise. There is a lot of construction going on near this house, and I can hear it.

Last week was really diﬃcult for me because I did not get much sleep then. Now the construction vehicles are really loud. These past two days I have been trying to decide whether to edit my journal or to translate the Odyssey.

For the time being at least I have decided to translate. I have thought a lot about editing my journal, but that task daunts me. I would have to do a lot of printing in the long run. Earlier in the journal I might have said that I slept well on Friday, but that is not the case. I slept poorly on Friday, and on Saturday I read for about twenty minutes of The House Gun to finish the book. Saturday I also put the latest volume of the journal on a floppy disk. I am on the eighth volume. There were not many people on the River Trail today. My bike is going well, and if I ever get a new bike, I would expect one just like it. I passed a daycare and saw a lot of kids playing in the playground by First Church. The House Gun ended pretty well, and at the end I read about how there were not many good books in the prison library.

The only good book in the library was the Odyssey by Homer, which I am

translating right now, but the translation in the Loeb volume is not superb. I think that the translation could be better. If I continue to translate the Odyssey, it will take some time to finish the translation. Duncan was sentenced to seven years in prison, and he might get out in five years. I think that his parents went on a vacation. I think that I had an awful time sleeping the week before Saturday night, and I hope that I can get back on a good schedule.

Now I am about through with this journal entry. I hope that I will be able to keep writing here. I know that last week was a shoddy week as far as journal entries go, but I will try to be more consistent. The movie that I saw last night was a long one though it was pretty good. I miss Mamaw and Popee, and playing ping-pong. The joys of spring are here, nevertheless, though I will see my grandparents soon. I wonder how they are doing. Now I am oﬀ though, fair reader. Bye bye.

Tuesday, April 24 2001

Hi. Today is a beautiful day though I feel extremely tired. I do not much feel like writing. This medicine really messes me up. Today I got up at around six o’ clock because of the loud noises outside coming from the sand blowers. I think that they were sand blowers, and they were attached to men. Today I translated the Odyssey for about an hour and biked for about a half hour. I feel really tired, and I do not know if I will last this entry. I wish that I was oﬀ of this medicine. There is nothing to do in Windsor, as there is no theme park here and no clothing stores. Everyone in Windsor seemed to be down at Bart’s, which is the local hot dog and hamburger place, and I guess that it is a gathering place.

My stomach is way too big; I have a pot belly. The medicine has ruined my body in this way.

My mom is at Mamaw and Popee’s right now. I am exhausted. I had some dreams last night. I did not listen to music last night. I have not gotten my Mozart CDs in the mail yet. The translation is going all right but slowly. There is so much on television that is not good, but the commercials are the worst part.

There are commercials for Papa John’s pizza, Dodge cars, Roto-Rooter plumbing, Volvo, Saturn, Subaru, plastic wrap, phone services, and a lot more too. Some, as one can see, are big name brands, while others are local commodities.

The slogans are in my head. I do not know what to write about. I got woken up early this morning by all the really loud noise. I do not see why the town has to start work so early especially if only to dust the streets, so to speak. The shows that I saw last night were not very good really. They did not have much good content in them. I went back to the show “Law and Order,” and that episode last night was pretty poor. There is an insect on my window, so I am not alone. I feel awfully tired. I am watching an insect, which is black and extremely small, and it looks like a tick.

Call Roto-Rooter, that’s the name, and away your troubles down the drain, Roto-Rooter. Dodge, diﬀerent. Get a fifteen hundred dollars cash allowance on all new Dodges. Subaru Outback. Wow, the New Britain Rock Cats are playing. Eric Clemons throws out the first pitch. The television really has an influence on me. Last night I saw part of a horror movie. The movie was freaky. What else was on television? The Sex Pistols were on a music station. I guess that they are a punk-rock group. This insect is causing me to write this way. I have tried to

turn to translating Greek as a way of keeping busy despite the noise though I do not know how long I will last doing so. Maybe I need to go to a treatment place to give me something to do. I could pretend to be the smartest one there, as I might be. Among the staﬀ and the patients though people can be not as smart as one thinks sometimes. College smollege.

The River Trail was flooded today. I guess that all the melted snow up North is coming down here in the Southern portions. I think that a tidal wave would be cool, just kidding. Nicitrol inhaler for smokers. The NBA playoﬀs are one big commercial, and the news is just a spotlight on politicians. Nothing on television is any good, and all the good movies are on videocassettes. Saran quick covers. I had a good bike ride today, and I passed some people. My bike is kind of noisy. Still, not too noisy to bother me. The noise is from the chain.

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There are so many commercials on television these days. Now my insect is trying to fly outside, but it finds a window blocking its way. I wish that I got a good night’s sleep last night. The leaves are out now; well, some of them are.

The insect is still in front of me, and the thing casts a tiny shadow. It has small legs, is all black, and it has two tiny antennae. I passed some kids on my bike ride, and they were in the playground, which has some swings and a sandpit. Someday I would probably like to have kids of my own.

If I had kids, I wonder what I would name them. I like the names Jessica and Jonathan. My boy could be called Jonathan junior. He would maybe have a kid, Jonathan III, and his kid could have a Jonathan IV. This Thursday I hope to print out my recent journal entries, and I have been meaning to do this for a long time. I have a lot to print. I wonder what going to a treatment program would be like.

I wonder if I will ever be socially erudite. I think that I am academically smart. I do not answer the phone, talk much to people, or have any friends. I would like to talk on the phone to some people. Today I wore a T-shirt, a long- sleeved T-shirt, and my navy-blue Adidas soccer shorts on my bike ride. Right now for lack of real shorts I am wearing my white Fila shorts and a Loomis Chaﬀee T-shirt that I got as a welcome present from Loomis Chaﬀee for my freshman year there. Of course, I am also wearing my blue Adidas sandals.

I want to get some shirts at Bazilians sometime soon. I guess that I can order some shorts from The Gap and J. Crew. I have only two wearable pairs of shorts for the spring. I wonder if I can keep up my Greek work on the Odyssey, but to translate the whole book will take a long time. I will guess that it would take me nearly a year. I had some vivid dreams in the morning. I have seen a lot of blue

jays near the house. Cardinals, blue jays, sparrows, robins, and other birds all seem to have their own unique bird call.

Today really is beautiful. Spring is finally here. I guess that I might watch some television this afternoon. God has been good to me today, for He has helped me to get over my dismal morning. I owe Him a lot for that, and I hope that He continues to be good to me. Without His guidance, I do not know where I would be. I can detect His grace in the beauty of this spring, and He is ever present in maintaining everything well. Now I am about through with my entry. I am glad that I got to write today, and I hope that tonight I will be able to do some Greek. I have not said that in a while. Well, I am oﬀ now, and I hope that the reader is doing all right. I am oﬀ, like I said. Bye bye.

Thursday, April 26 2001

I have been having a hard time doing anything. Yesterday was chaotic, and I could not translate and did not even attempt to because I thought that it would be too boring. I also could not concentrate on reading at first. I went on a walk, but I could barely keep up the walk. I felt like falling down all the time, as just walking made me tired yesterday. I went to the Windsor Library, and I read an article on anxiety in the New England Journal of Medicine. Then I got home, and I read about fifty minutes of Shelley.

I had to stop early because my concentration got bad, and then after dinner I read some Shelley for about a half hour. I know that the day yesterday might not seem chaotic once I describe it; I am sure that it was. I thought about what to do a lot. I just sat on my bed and tried to think of things to do. I flipped through some of my mom’s books on schizophrenia, and I would just quickly flip through the pages and see some of the contents. My day was simply chaotic, and I did not get to translate or write like I wanted.

Now it seems that translating is a bad idea. I wanted to print out some journal entries today, but I decided on writing instead and want to keep up writing in my journal. I have not been able to do much. Yesterday I did not understand a lot of Shelley due to my lack of concentration and to maybe feeling tired. Today is really a beautiful day, and I went for a run earlier. I got to wear shorts for today. I passed a lot of Loomis Chaﬀee people. I also passed an area of construction that is in back of the house. There was a police oﬃcer and some construction workers there. I wonder why police are called oﬃcers and why construction men are called workers. There is a class distinction there.

On my run I passed three Loomis Chaﬀee girls, among other people. They were together in a group, and I think that they were carrying groceries. This group was quite attractive. Then I passed a boy and a girl together. The boy was wearing a shirt that said Loomis Chaﬀee lacrosse. I also saw a girl taking pictures of the flooded river. I was able to run for the whole time today, and I ran for about a half hour. Today is a nice day to run. I wore my blue Adidas shirt and

my white Fila shorts, and this combination was one of the best combinations that I could have. I did not even know that I had the Adidas shirt until I found it washed for me. The long-sleeved shirt is quite handsome, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it. I probably watched too much television yesterday. I wonder when my Mozart CDs are going to be here.

There is a yellow jacket in my window. Insects can be so annoying. The article that I read yesterday said that this one anxiety drug worked in children. The name of the drug was something like Fluvoxamin, which could be like Xanax or Ativan. There was a test done that gave about half of the kids a placebo and half the drug. The ones given the drug had a higher improvement than the kids with the placebo, yet there were more kids, on the drug, who had certain reactions like restlessness and tiredness. These reactions were considered mild though my medicine causes a high degree of tiredness.

I can attest to them from experience. Lately, for example, this medicine has caused extreme tiredness in me in the morning. The report in the magazine was easy to read, and I know more about anxiety from reading it. I looked at some other issues of that magazine, but I only saw headlines for non-psychiatric medicine for the most part. I hope that the CDs will come today. I do not want to watch too much television today.

I am giving up on translating Greek because I do not enjoy it enough. I liked it at first, but now it seems boring. I do not know how I can concentrate on Shelley with a lot of noise though I guess that I can try. I do not even know if I want to read Shelly because he might have called God a fiend. He certainly is not a fiend. I am referring to Shelley’s Queen Mab, which is a long poem by Shelley.

There are some leaves on the trees now. There are a lot of birds around. When I was sitting outside yesterday, I saw a charcoal cat come by.

The cat was going to come near where I was, but when it saw me, it got startled and started running away. Cats are funny creatures. I ran around the train station and then down Broad Street today. I did not pass anyone on Broad Street. I passed the construction, and I was afraid of that policeman. I do not like the police much ever since I got pulled over for running a red light ten minutes away from where I did it and was kicked out of a record store in the mall. When those things happened, though, I was more psychotic than I am now. I just do not know what to do with myself these days.

I have a hard time reading and writing. The easier thing to do seems to be walking, biking, or running. I seem to be too tired to do much academics.

Maybe, hopefully, this will go away. I mean that I might feel more energetic in the coming weeks. My parents saw James Bozzuto yesterday, and my mom told me that he wants me to get out more. She asked me if he said that when I saw him. It is easier said than done. I would like very much to return to college, but if I am like I am now, there will be no college for me. If some better medicine comes out, I will be one of the first to get it.

I hate feeling tired all the time. On my run today, I almost felt like I was sleeping or as if I were unconscious, and the feeling was kind of disturbing. I slept well last night. I looked through some Psychology Today magazines, and they seem like a hoax. The topics for the magazines were like jealousy and maybe like weight loss, and they did not seem to have much to help the people with mental illness.

I watch entirely too much television, as my journal entry on Tuesday shows. There is nothing else to do though that is no excuse. I just cannot seem to go where it might be fun like to the mall or to a movie, and I cannot explain my reasons for not going. Anyway, there is no use going to where it is complicated beyond reason. I like running up hills, and I have two big hills to run up. I do not like running down hills as much though. I used to like running down hills, but now I am quite slow and cannot run fast down them. I do not think that I will work on the Odyssey anymore, for that does not seem to interest me much. There is a novelty to it when I have not translated for a while, but I do not seem to want to do it anymore.

I am glad that I am writing this entry. If I can do nothing else, I would like to continue writing here. My life may be a complete mess, but if I can write and exercise then I might feel better. I can express myself here, and I can brag to myself that I am keeping up a journal. Well, now I am about through with this entry, and I hope that I will be able to write an entry tomorrow. I also hope that I will see Mamaw and Popee on Saturday. Maybe today I can do some reading.

Today is a beautiful day to, say, be at the beach. I would like to see those wonderful waves, build a sand castle, or walk along the sandy beaches. Well, I am dreaming or fantasizing right now. I hope that the reader is all right. I would suggest to the reader to keep his or her spirits up, and my spirits seem to be better now than they were not long ago today. I am oﬀ now. Ta-ta. Bye bye.

Friday, April 27 2001

Hi. Today as usual I was quite tired. I could not read in the morning, so I went for a walk though today I was able to read some Shelley. I wonder when this journal will ever be printed. Today is a beautiful day, and on my walk I wore some shorts. I have been sleeping well. I hope that the psychiatrist does not call while I am writing this. I got my Mozart CD yesterday. I was hoping for a lot of Mozart CDs, but I got only one. I wish that I was not on this medicine. I feel so bad when I try to run. I ran to the River Trail today, but I go so slowly. I used to be really fast. The medicine slows down my breathing. I notice that I cannot breathe quickly, and I am guessing that the medicine makes it hard for me to take quick breaths. My muscles cannot work well either.

I passed a man on the trail, and he was wearing a Manchester High School shirt and had a small dog with him. The river is still really flooded. I read some interesting stuﬀ today by Shelley, finishing the atheistic Queen Mab. I am now

reading a poem about a young man in solitude. He has a vision at night of a fair maiden, and after the vision he essentially goes mad. He takes a small boat out into the ocean. Today, like I said, is a beautiful day. I just wish that I could run fast again or play tennis well again. So much of my physical life is taken away from me.

Last night, I saw part of a very interesting movie called Awakenings starring Robin Williams, and I watched the news and “Law and Order.” I also watched part of “The Gilmore Girls.” So, I watched a lot. There are a lot of leaves on the trees now, and I can see that the forest is getting green. There is a lot of chlorophyll out, and I think that that is how to spell it. Somehow this week I have stood by my journal and kept writing here. I am pleasantly surprised that I kept it up though this week I have not had a good schedule, at least not the schedule that I wanted. I am too tired in general to keep one up.

All I can do is try to keep up my journal and try to read. Today I was able to read for about an hour though I do not think that I will be able to read any more today. Right now I am wearing a sweater and long pants, which are pretty comfortable. One memory that I have often is of that trip I took to Stratton, Vermont with Rob Albro. I remember many aspects of it keenly, as that was probably the first real ski trip that I took. I remember lounging around in his house on the mountain with my ski pants on. Chris Posteraro bothered me about how I did not change, but I said that I was comfortable in them. Then he said that as long as I was comfortable in nearly those words.

I do not know if this journal will ever be published. Maybe when or if I reach my thirties, I can publish the journal then, but I have a lot to go before then. I wonder how long I can keep up this journal. I have about the past ten months of my journal that I would be comfortable publishing. So, I would feel comfortable publishing my journal from about June of 2000 till today, but I would be embarrassed to publish before then.

I have not seen the psychiatrist in about a month, and I wonder when I will see him next though I am guessing that I will see him next week sometime.

Shelley is a pretty good poet, but he is not as good as Keats in my opinion. Though Shelley’s Queen Mab sounds like a common fairytale for kids, he is quite atheistic. Shelley does not like the common religion, and he sees a day when it will disappear. He likes the spirit of nature and does thankfully believe in virtue and nobility in men. He reminds me of Nietzsche in his disregard of common religion and yet his striving for virtue. So, both had a sense of the virtuous though I do not agree with their stance towards religion.

The Faerie Queene tells a human spirit of the past, present, and future.

When the Faerie Queene is done, she sends her chariot, drawn by steeds, through the air to bring the spirit back home. The spirit enters the body, and the woman wakes up as if she just got out of a dream. There is a man, who I guess is her beloved, lying near her. After I finish this entry, I will probably rest for the

rest of the afternoon. I will probably watch some television today. I might watch too much of it, but who knows.

I am pretty sure that kids watch about as much as I do. I kind of wish that there were better things to watch on the television. The television is boring to watch, and there are a lot of commercials on it. On my walk today, I noticed that the flooding has receded a bit on the River Trail, and one portion that had been blocked oﬀ is now clear. The water had been covering it, but now it is no longer the case. I wish that I had a schedule these days. I have been in a crisis lately with my academics, as I cannot seem to have the energy to do much of them, or at least as much as I want to do.

I seem to almost be half unconscious some of the time. I like watching the birds outside. I like all of the birds out there, but the crow is my least favorite because of its caw and its scary looks. I like the robin the best. I still suﬀer from my extremely annoying obsessions, but I do not feel like mentioning these things right now. There are a lot of flowers in the garden, but some of them have withered up surprisingly. Maybe they are not getting enough water. There are white ones, red ones, and yellow ones. I am looking forward to the roses coming out, and the next-door neighbors have some nice ones in their garden too. The weather is really nice.

I cannot remember my dreams as much these days as I used to. I used to remember them so much easier, say, several months ago. Well, summer school at Trinity College will be starting up soon. Obviously, I am not going there this summer. I heard on the news that Pfizer in Connecticut will be researching drugs for schizophrenia, and maybe right here in Connecticut a cure will be found for schizophrenia. I would hope that Pfizer would come up with better medicine than Zyprexa, and I am always hoping for a cure for my illness. I am just glad that there is Zyprexa though it causes a lot of problems. I wonder how my Trinity College professors and my Loomis Chaﬀee teachers are doing. If I ever return to Trinity College again, I would likely have those professors again for my Classics classes. Tomorrow I am probably going to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I have not seen them in a while, and I am looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. A plant would probably look nice in my room. I did have a plant once, but I do not think that it did too well in here.

I guess that I could mention my obsessions, which are annoying. In the past couple days they have really come out more to my dismay. They make me do things that any normal person would not do. I have not talked much about them in my recent entries, but they are still there and have annoyed me lately especially. They annoy me and tire me emotionally, and I have encountered them in this journal entry a lot though they have not been intense enough to ruin the entry. I do not know what I am going to do for the rest of the day though I will probably watch a lot of television. I was thinking about going to the library earlier today, but now I do not need to. I hope that a cure is found at Pfizer, Eli

Lilly, or somewhere else before I get into my thirties because I want to be a good athlete before it is too late.

Now I am about through with my entry. I have suﬀered some from obsessions during this entry, and I hope that they do not annoy me in the coming weeks. I hope that I will be able to keep writing next week pretty well. Maybe this journal will also be printed out in the next millennium. Now I am oﬀ, and I will probably not write tomorrow because I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I certainly hope that the reader is doing well, and I hope that I will continue writing here. Bye bye.

Sunday, April 29 2001

I am still struggling with being able to do things, and I cannot seem to do much academics. I just do not have the motivation to do things. I want to read and write, but I find it very diﬃcult to do so. I tried reading last night, but I could not concentrate. I did not have the concentration to even attempt to read Shelley today, and I read some journal entries of Anais Nin’s for about a half hour though I am not going to read that book. I will stick with Shelley, yet I cannot even understand him lately. I did, however, have a really good run last night because my medicine was wearing oﬀ. My obsessions have been pretty annoying lately too. They are so annoying. I cannot seem to do anything, and lately I have been having a lot of problems keeping a schedule. My obsessions really are wrecking my life, and I do not know what to do. I cannot seem to do much of anything, and I hope that I am not getting psychotic. I wonder if the medicine is doing this, and maybe it has built up in my system too much.

My life is chaotic as well as my mind. I cannot take this just sitting around much longer, and last night to make things worse I did not sleep well. I seem to just be able to sit around and to sleep. I am not very sharp these days. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and Popee has a physical trainer now to help him to regain some strength. He had to stay upstairs for some days because he could not walk downstairs. I am not playing ping-pong with him these days, but next week I might. He has not been strong enough on his feet lately to play ping-pong. Mamaw suggested us getting or renting a used piano. She also suggested that I could go to a community center to play ping-pong. Today is a beautiful day. I do not know when or if this tiredness or lack of motivation will pass. I certainly cannot do much these days, especially when I do not sleep well, like last night.

Today I am going to write for about a half hour, for I cannot write for an hour because of the problem I have been talking about. I hope that I am not going psychotic and that I am not going to turn into some zombie. Already I resemble the walking dead because I just sit around a lot. God has been here for me, though, in these rough times to make them easier, and I owe Him for that. I still look up to Him and hope that He will be there for me. I hope that He will

always be with me. Popee is reading a book called Contentment. Yesterday Tom came over and asked Popee how he was doing. Popee had trouble talking to him, but he did all right. I saw part of a baseball game over there. I cannot think of anything for me to do for the rest of the day besides watching television, and that is a bleak outlook.

Two night ago I had some superb dreams. I think that last night I also had some superb dreams, which give me food for thought. I went on a bike ride today for about a half hour, and I passed some beautiful trees with white flowers on them. They really were very beautiful trees, and I am not sure what they are called. They were medium-sized trees, not just bushes. I had a nice ride. I do not much like settling to watch television, but I guess that I do not have a choice. I do not like missing an entry in my journal like I have today. Well, I am missing half an entry though at least I wrote if that is any consolation. Things just are not going very well for me. I cannot even write a full entry today. I feel quite helpless. Well, I am about through with this half-entry today. I wish the reader well. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will be able to write next week for enough. I must go. Bye bye.

Tuesday, May 1 2001

Hi. I know that I have not been keeping up with my journal very well, but I have a reason for it. For some reason lately I have not been feeling well mentally, and I just hope that I am not getting psychotic. I feel tired from my run today. I had a pretty good run, and I ran for about a half hour. Instead of running up the Broad Street hill, I ran past the ice-hockey rink at Loomis Chaﬀee. I got to see part of the campus today. I saw a dorm in the distance, and I passed the rink and the baseball diamond. I saw the breezeway and the new admissions building.

Today is pretty hot. One can tell that I am being pretty random today. I do not think that my mind is in too good shape lately. Yesterday I read Shelley for about an hour and forty-seven minutes and rode my bike for about forty minutes.

Yesterday morning though I was feeling awful, and my mind felt like it was caving in. Today my mind does not feel too good either. Also, I feel physically tired. I have been having some good dreams lately. Spring is here, and there are leaves on the trees. The flowers in the garden are dying for lack of water. I feel depressed right now. Nothing is going for me. I cannot just sit around and watch television all day. I do not watch it much in the day, yet I watch it nearly for the entire night lately. I do not know what to talk about. Shelley is diﬃcult to understand.

Right now I might be fully immured in a psychosis. I am too cowardly to write about my dreams because I am afraid that it might reveal my philosophy of life. I dreamt the other night that I was in a mall of the future, and there was a huge fitness-club area there. The face of the fitness club was extremely high and futuristic, and it might have been called something like Gates. I dreamt that I

was to become a student, and I think that I was to be rich too. The place was really spectacular. I also dreamt that I was going to be made a king, and the whole Westfarms Mall was the place to celebrate. Everyone whom I knew and some people whom I did not know were there. In one spot, Trinity College professors gathered. They were outside of a store front and looking in at me.

The images were quite vivid. I had those dreams probably about four days ago. Something like that.

I have diﬀerent songs that I think of like constantly. Anyway, the other day I dreamt of Sarah. I dreamt that she knew the dreams that I dreamt, and she tried to prove it by showing me photographs of the dreams that I had. Yet I could only see one that might have been a dream of mine, but I was not sure if she was telling the truth. I supposed that I could have dreamt the ones that she showed me, but I was not sure. The one that I thought that I remembered was a streak of blood on a white floor as if a man had been shot and then dragged along the ground with blood stained the ground. I think that I saw scenes like that on the show “The Pretender” and in a movie. Another photograph that she showed me was of a quiz show. Then I wanted to get into other people’s dreams. I saw my supposed most recent dreams on film on those negatives that come with photographs though I could obviously not see the pictures very well. Yesterday night I had the dreams that I am paranoid about telling about.

Today really is a beautiful day. It is quite sunny and warm. I had a pretty good run though it was really tiring. Running takes a lot out of me. I wore a short-sleeved shirt and shorts. Shelley is not a personality whom I would like, for he is an atheist, it seems. He reminds me of Andrew Gray. I guess that reading him is all right, but he is not religious. Also, his poetry is kind of hard to understand and can be like reading concrete. He should be clearer in his writing. Some bits are really good, though, like when he told about his wanting to speak to shades when he was little, thinking of death, or when he talks about a purple smoky jewel.

He used to believe in life after death when he was a kid, but then he said that he changed his mind, to my dismay. Now he just believes in necessity and some great power that permeates the universe. I think that his first marriage with Harriet did not work out. Then he saw Mary Wollstonecraft. He writes about his breakup and about his meeting Mary, who might have been a famous personality in her own right. Her last name is diﬃcult to spell. She might have been one of the first feminists. Shelley went to Eton, but then got kicked out of Oxford for some reason. His Queen Mab was very controversial. There is a big fence up around Loomis Chaﬀee. Well, the gym seems to be fenced oﬀ, and it looks quite ugly. The songs that I mentioned in the last paragraph seem to vary by day. New songs pop into my head regularly, and I seem to sing them in my head.

James Bozzuto called me yesterday to schedule an appointment. He is going to New Orleans, so I have to see him when he returns from that place that

sounds so boring. I have not seen the psychiatrist in an extremely long time. Yesterday I did not write, but today I did. The last time that I wrote was a half- hour entry on Sunday. So, I hope that I will be able to write enough this week. I saw Loomis Chaﬀee for the first time in a while today. The place is part of my past, whether for good or ill, and I guess that I must respect its place in my life. Now is about time to go. I wish the reader well. If I am heading to the mental institution, so be it though I fear the place more than anything else of this world except maybe prison. So, now I am oﬀ, and I hope that I will be able to write enough this week. Bye bye.

Wednesday, May 2 2001

What’s up? Today I had a really great day. I had a great day because I was able to exercise for a total of about an hour. I went for a walk first, and then I went for a bike ride. The day started oﬀ very poorly, though, for I was awakened at around six o’ clock by the dog barking. Then I finally got up, but then after breakfast I fell back in bed again and stayed there till around eleven o’ clock. So, things did not look particularly bright. Then my walk changed everything, and I decided to ride my bike too. The sun was really out today, and it was very hot.

On my bike ride I was afraid of passing out. Today I read La Vita Nuova for about an hour because Shelley seemed too abstruse. I liked this short book by Dante, and it should not take that long to finish. I probably got enough Vitamin D from the sun today.

Although I am not reading as much as normal, I am still finding enough to do during the day to keep me occupied. For example, today I was able to exercise more than usual. The experience of exercising in this beautiful weather is hard to describe, but I was, however, kind of afraid because of how hot the weather was. I did not feel tired on my bike ride, though, and I tend not to feel that tired on bike rides. I feel terrible in the mornings; well, at least lately I do.

I do not feel like doing anything then. I was able to exercise pretty well. Maybe I will not get psychotic after all. From sheer despair, God has delivered me today into happiness. He has brought me to happiness from the bleakest depths of the human soul. He shows much grace and brings me out of despair. I owe Him a lot, and I hope that I can continue to benefit from His grace. Today was beautiful, and the leaves are out on most of the trees. I see one tree, however, that does not have its leaves on it.

I almost went to the library tonight, but I decided to write in my journal to be consistent. I might start The Nibelungenlied tomorrow. I know that I am jumping around a lot, but that is because of my obsessions. Yet after The Nibelungenlied, if I start it tomorrow, I will probably finish Dante later. My books will probably get read, no matter the way I read them. My days have been so chaotic lately that it is no wonder that my reading of late is chaotic, to say the least. And when something is more than chaotic, that is saying something.

Dante’s book is about him, his being in love with this woman, and all that he goes through in trying to get her as a girlfriend. When he sees her, his heart melts.

He writes some poems about her, which he puts in the book.

They are easier to understand than Shelley, yet Dante’s book consists mostly of prose. Dante did not write much, but what he did write has its own easy-to-understand, concise, solid, unique style. I am writing this entry after dinner, and for dinner I had a hamburger, corn, and mashed potatoes.

Sometimes I am harassed by the yellow jackets when I am out on the porch. I have not been bitten by one yet and have not been stung by a bee for as far back as I can remember, yet my parents told me that as a young child or an infant I was bitten by a bee. I was on Mamaw and Popee’s porch when Sarah got stung by a bumblebee, attempting to tame it, and she screamed and ran inside the house.

I was so scared by her reaction that I was afraid to go outside in the summer for some days. Dante talks at length about what his love for Beatrice does to him, and the book is kind of like a treatise on love and its power.

My exercising today was really fun though on the bike ride I was anxious about passing out. I rode a respectable pace by any standards on my bike today though I rode for only about a half hour. I passed a woman and her child daughter, and when I went by, they stopped on the side of the sidewalk. I am extra careful when passing children because they are not as adept on the trails as adults. I am talking about young children here. I have not been reading much lately, and I hope that eventually I can read more, as that would help.

I wonder if I am going to get a tan.

I need some shorts really badly, and I also need some polo shirts. I see the shadow of my house in the backyard. There is a shadow of a tree right next to it, and they are both kind of eerie though I am reassured by the real shape of a squirrel. Last night I attempted to listen to a whole CD of Wagner, but I was short one track. Well, I got to listen to some overtures anyway. I like Mozart much more than Wagner. My favorite overture last night was Rienzi, as it was catchy. I had some dreams last night, and I think that some got interrupted by the dog. Plato’s profane exclamation was “By the dog!” I really do hope that I am not getting psychotic. I have such trouble lately with doing anything in the morning.

I passed some people on my exercising today. On my walk I passed a very physically attractive young woman and an undoubtedly Loomis Chaﬀee girl on the River Trail though I suppose that she could have been from Windsor High School. I think that she was listening to a radio, and she was walking. On my bike ride I passed a woman whom I had seen before and who was with her dog, and she said “Hi.” I said “Hi” back. I think that I had seen her once wear a college sweatshirt, so I am guessing that she went to college. At the end of my bike ride I passed some Loomis Chaﬀee boys coming back from Geissler’s grocery store to their dorms.

They were dressed in expensive spring clothes, one wearing flip-flops that might have been turquoise. I liked riding under the beautiful, for lack of a word to describe them, trees with the white flowers on them. I wish that I did not spend so much time in bed. Well, now is the time to go. I hope that the reader finds something to do even if his or her life is chaotic. Whatever happens, I still hold the reader to be a fair knight or maiden as long as he or she tries to do things. In any case, I must go now, and I will try not to be melodramatic though I do not think that I am. So, I am oﬀ. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I have got to go. Bye bye.

Thursday, May 3 2001

Something happens to me in the morning, and I get really tired. This morning I did not think that I could do much of anything, yet somehow I got out on the River Trail and walked for a while. In all I did about fifty-two minutes of exercise today. I got to walk two loops of the River Trail, but I decided not to bike today because I did not want to go too far from home in case I got too hot. Today I finished the book La Vita Nuova by Dante, which was only seventy pages long and which was deep but kind of boring. I think that the book is a kind of autobiography of Dante’s love for Beatrice, but I do not know if the facts in the book are true, so to speak.

For example, I do not know if there was that circle of women around Beatrice or him meeting the pilgrims in the end in real life. Certainly his love for Beatrice was real, though, but I am not sure about the circumstances. Today was a spectacular day because it was so beautiful out, and it is sunny to the extreme now. I read today for about an hour and a half. This morning I held little expectation for the day, but after my exercise I felt like a changed young man. I guess that schizophrenics have a right to feel that their lives are kind of chaotic and wild as mine has been the past month and a half or so. Last night I did not sleep very well. I was too hot at night, and I had trouble sleeping. I brought out the fan, and that gave me some relief. Right now it is pretty hot out. I am wearing my squash shirt and my Gap khaki shorts. I am, of course, also wearing my Adidas blue sandals with white stripes. I would think that blue sandals without any white to them would not look too well. Adidas thus has a good seller. I mean that sandals that were blue alone would not be too good.

I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight and that the fan does not keep me up. The fan is a good-quality one. The leaves are shooting out on the tree outside my window. Last night I dreamt that I was pitted in a battle against the evil people, and Chris Merrill was a strong one among them. I had to turn many people to the good course in life, and I did so to my pleasant surprise. I made some people good (and partially so), including Alexandra Brucker and Pamela Del Negro. I was elated to see them changed and happy.

Then I found myself in a chamber with the good people. I learned from Chris Merrill’s letter that he gave me that he was going to gas all the good people. He wanted me to be safe, but his letter was long so that it did not give me time to save anyone but myself when I had finished reading it. I found myself in a safe corridor with some other good people, with people in real life I would not necessarily characterize as good, such as Matthew Taylor and a kid from Loomis Chaﬀee with long curly hair. I was having a fight with Matthew, and he tried to push me over a precipice.

Tonight I will probably watch a lot of television. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” I also watched part of “The West Wing.” Anyway, I had a great walk today, yet I had that young couple in back of me whom I saw often see when I kind of wanted some privacy. The boy or young man was laughing, and the girl was talking wildly and avidly, it seemed. I saw some big fish in the marsh, and they were making big splashes in the water. There was a young woman fishing in the pond with the mosquito sculpture in the middle of it.

I saw her catch a small silver fish. She was sitting in a small chair. I wonder what she did with the fish. Tonight I am only going to write for about a half hour because I do not want to push it. I know that I have not written many full entries, but my life of late has been so chaotic in the mornings that the day is by no means predictable. I think that my aunt Carol is coming this weekend, and she is bringing her son Benjamin. I need some shorts extremely badly.

Tonight I think that I will probably listen to Mozart’s Symphonies No. 25, 26, 27, and 29. I do not know how much calories I burn walking, but I probably burn less than biking. I wonder if it is going to be about this hot for the rest of the spring. I will probably see Mamaw and Popee on Saturday. I hope that I will be able to see them, and I will probably also see Carol. I do not think that I have seen her son Benjamin, and I do not even know how old he is.

I hope that I will be able to write in my journal tomorrow, and I hope even more that I can get a good night’s sleep tonight with the fan on. The Dante book was pretty good. The book had more poetry in it than I cared for, as the book was an alternation between prose narrating and poetry. Well, now I have got to go. I wish the reader fine tidings if possible. I hope that I can keep writing here in the journal, as I like doing so. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Friday, May 4 2001

I have not exercised today, and I kind of miss it though today I did manage to read for about two hours. I was reading The Nibelungenlied, which is all right but nothing special. The book is a medium-sized one, and I hope that I will be able to finish it all right. Today was pretty chaotic still in my thoughts though probably less so than yesterday or the day before, as I kind of had more of a

schedule today. Today I am only going to write a half entry. Today my parents are going to pick up Carol from the airport.

I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Today is a beautiful day, but I have not been outside much. I did not go for any exercise about noon because it was so hot. Now it seems cooler though. Fortunately, last night I slept well. Last night I did not listen to music because it was so hot in here, and I had the fan on to keep me cooler. I think that I am a cool cat though. Today really is a beautiful day, for it is warm and sunny. The spring foliage and verdure is out in full force.

I am hoping to print out my recent journal sometime in the next couple of weeks. The only problem with half-hour entries is that they do not say too much. The book that I am reading is about this man who has a love for this woman, King Gunther’s sister. King Gunther has a love for a woman in Iceland, and he tells his friend that if he helps him win the Icelandic woman, he will let him wed his sister. I am not sure how the names are spelled, as they are confusing German names. Recently in the book, Gunther has an athletic contest with the Icelandic woman Brunhild, who has in the past beaten her potential lovers, and as a penalty the lovers are beheaded. Gunther has to throw a big rock, hurl a javelin, and leap. Gunther’s friend’s name is something like Siegfried, and he is the main character in the book and loves Gunther’s sister.

Siegfried gets a cloak that makes him invisible and strong, and he helps him to win against Brunhild. So, Gunther won, and he will probably marry Brunhild now.

The book is kind of boring, though, and as far as being unique, it is anything but. There is some interesting writing in it though. I guess that Richard Wagner used it as a basis for some pieces of his. I have a Wagner CD with the funeral march of Siegfried and a piece called Siegfried Idyll on it. The funeral march is foreboding and gloomy, and it is about eight minutes long. The book’s title is a long one. Next week I would like to take out some CDs from the library. I also need some new CDs.

Last night I was pretty disappointed that I could not listen to Mozart though I am hoping to listen to some Mozart right after dinner. Carol is coming to Hartford today from Missouri, and I will probably see her tomorrow. I asked my mom last night to get me some shorts from J. Crew. I am in serious, immediate need of shorts. I woke up pretty early today, and it is very encouraging that I was able to stay up. After I finish this journal entry, I do not think that I will do any more academics.

The book that I am reading is all about these two men trying to win their love, and the funny thing is that neither of the men know the ladies more than having glimpsed at them a couple of times. I guess that the book was written in the 1200s, and similar stuﬀ to this are written in those introductory parts of every book written in the Penguin series. I wish that I could have taken a long hour

walk today, but instead because of the intense heat, I stayed inside and read The Nibelungenlied.

The clothes that the royalty wore in that period was very fancy, and they wore so many jewels. The Icelandic woman had tons of women around her as was the custom in those days. They acted as her friends, yet were probably more servile than friends because of her royalty and all. Now I have to part with the fair reader. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to go for a walk just to get out in that wonderful weather. The River Trail is really a great place to go. I hope that my health stays healthy and that my journal remains intact for a while. Maybe someday I will also go back to college. Now I should go. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, May 5 2001

Today I did nothing but exercise. I rode my bike twice for a total of about an hour and twenty minutes, and I am kind of tired from it right now. I had a terrible morning. I got up at a decent time, but then after breakfast I put my head down on the pillow and was immobile for about an hour. That wasted nearly my entire morning. Then I decided to go for a bike ride. I rode for about fifty minutes minutes at first, and then when I got home, I had the desire to go out and ride again. Then I rode for about a half hour around the River Trail and down Broad Street. Now I feel kind of tired but not really tired. I obviously do not have any kind of schedule, and my life is extremely strange at this point because I have no sense of schedule at all.

I am not going to Mamaw and Popee’s today, for I have been really hurt by these obsessions, which kept me up last night and which have annoyed me today also. At the moment though I seem to be pretty free from obsessions. I think that my parents are going to go to Mamaw and Popee’s though. I think that my parents picked up my aunt Carol at the airport yesterday. Carol is in Hartford right now. I feel really good from my bike ride today, and I have not ridden that long for a very long time. Riding my bike makes me feel really good. If only I did not weigh so much, maybe I might be able to run fast. My weight certainly hinders me.

I would like to go on a diet and lose some weight. I am supposed to be in my prime as far as athletics go, as at twenty-four years old people are supposed to be at their finest athletically. Today I rode on my bike at a respectable pace by any standards. I think that I started oﬀ kind of slowly, but picked it up by the time that I went out the second time. On my bike ride a young woman was screaming, and I think that she was yelling something about me and about how I was impressive; the reader will get the gist. I guess that she liked me.

I like the route that I take on my bike ride, for it takes me under these great trees with white flowers on them. I wore my long-sleeved blue Adidas T-shirt and my blue Adidas soccer shorts. Unfortunately, today I do not have many waking hours, so I guess that I will have to fit in as much as I can. Last night I

saw the news and “Law and Order.” Yesterday afternoon I saw part of a Rocky movie, and I liked that a lot. Also, last night I saw a small part of Demolition Man. I listened to Mozart yesterday too. I read some yesterday, but today I have not gotten to read at all.

I am only going to write a half-hour entry today, for I do not feel like writing more. Today is a beautiful day, and it is not too hot either. I feel bad that I could not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. My parents are going over for dinner tonight. Carol was in a magazine, which I think was called Springfield, and there is an article about her and her husband Rob in it. My mom brought the magazine home. I have been having some bad obsessions lately. Last night they kept me up for an hour, as I told myself that I had to stay up for an extra hour. I tried to get to bed, but only when the hour was up was I able to get to sleep.

Today I have also been plagued by the obsessions, which are mostly about my mom. I was thinking about going to the library today, but I decided not to. I was thinking of looking through some books with paintings in them by the finest painters. I was thinking of looking at pictures by Botticelli, Da Vinci, and others though that might have been boring. Well, I am oﬀ now. I might see Carol, Mamaw, and Popee tomorrow. I probably will do so. Bye bye.

Monday, May 7 2001

Hi. Today was another chaotic day like all of the rest, and I could not read this morning. So instead I rode my bike for about an hour, and I went pretty far. My academics are suﬀering terribly. I read for about twenty-five minutes today. I have been thinking a lot about returning to Trinity College, for Popee and Carol mentioned it to me yesterday. My illness just makes it so hard for me to go though I really wish that I could go. Well, now I seem to be getting more exercise, and I ran for about fifteen minutes in addition to the about hour bike ride. Ideally, I would like to lose weight, and I would really be happy to lose thirty pounds.

I have been thinking a lot about Trinity College, and I really want to go though I just cannot let myself go. This illness is so complex, and I just do not know what the right thing to do is though I will undoubtedly miss college. Right when a cure is found for my illness, I am going to hop on the bandwagon and go to college. Today I am only going to be able to write a half entry. I do not know if I will ever get to be a student again or if I will ever have friends again. Carol was talking on a cellular phone yesterday, and her really small son Benjamin came over with her. I played a game with him called Rebound. He was wearing a gray sweatshirt with gray sweatpants and New Balance shoes.

My academics are not doing too well. This is the first time that I saw Benjamin. He was really small, and he kicked the ball in a funny way with a lot of energy. I am not sure how old he his, but he is quite tiny. I passed the soccer ball with him, my dad, and Carol. I feel kind of depressed right now, but I am

happy that I was not too bored today because I was able to ride my bike. On my bike ride I saw some school busses, which were dropping people oﬀ. They were coming home quite early because I went out early. I passed an old man whom I had passed before. I passed that boy whom I pass a lot, but I think that he was with a diﬀerent girl for this time. He seemed to be getting eaten up by mosquitos. The girl or young woman whom he was with was laughing, and she was wearing sandals. I passed an older man running. I would kind of like to go on a new bike route because the houses that I pass on this route are kind of ugly. I pass a lot of tobacco fields on my bike route.

There were some workers today on the tobacco fields. There was a small green caterpillar on my shirt when I got home from my run, so I went outside and put it down. I wonder if it would have glowed in the dark. God alone has helped me through these troubles lately, and I will always remember Him when I am in trouble. I owe Him a lot for His grace. He helps me tremendously. At night I have been having diﬃculties getting to bed because of my obsessions, which have caused me a lot of grief at night, though I have been having many good dreams lately. I might be a huge fool and not even know it. I just hope that I can sleep tonight. The way that things have been going, I will be lucky to get just a good night’s rest whenever. Today is a beautiful day. I hope that if I end up continuing to exercise during the day that I can lose some weight. Well, now I have to go. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I wish the reader well.

Bye bye.

Thursday, May 10 2001

Hi. What’s up? Today I actually was able to read, and I read for about an hour and forty-nine minutes. Yesterday was extremely disappointing and chaotic, and the other days this week have probably been pretty chaotic too. Yet there was something about today that was better. I have not exercised today.

Yesterday I went to the library to look for any articles or books on schizophrenia, but I found none of interest. I also looked on the Internet for information on schizophrenia, and I thought that the Michigan website was all right and that the Eli Lilly website was not too good.

The only good thing that I did yesterday was go for a run after dinner for about a half hour though today things have seriously picked up. I am glad that I am able to write here even though I am probably only going to write for about a half hour. Yesterday I thought a lot about returning to Trinity College and about what I would need to do to return there. I thought that I might have to go to a treatment program at the Hartford Hospital. Today is a beautiful day out, and it is pretty hot too. I have not felt well enough to write in my journal too much this week until today. I hope that today is not a fluke, and I am talking about my reading. I am still reading The Nibelungenlied, which is a pretty good book. I wonder who wrote it, as the author is unknown to moderns. That last sentence

grammatically was not so good. I think that my sister is coming home either this weekend or next weekend. I have a psychiatrist appointment this Monday, and I wonder if I will be able to drive there on my own. I have not been to the psychiatrist in a while.

The book that I am reading is all right, but it is nothing special. Certainly, it is better than reading a newspaper though. I read some of a newspaper yesterday, and the only interesting section was the science section. Like I said, yesterday was extremely chaotic. I did not know what to do, as I was in such tumult to say the least. The book is about how this guy was killed, and his wife, Kriemhild, is in mourning. She mourns an awful lot, but then gets an oﬀer from a king named Etzel to be his bride. At first she does not want to marry him, but then decides to marry him after all because she thought that she might thus get revenge in the long run on the man who killed her ex. I am kind of being vague because I have trouble remembering the spelling of the names.

The author makes a big to-do over the presentation of the people in the story, mentioning how wonderful the warriors’ and maidens’ clothes are, and I guess that at that time people cared much more about pomp and circumstance. Currently in the story, Kriemhild has met Etzel, who is the King of Hungary.

Kriemhild wants revenge on the killer of her dead husband, and revenge is a central theme in this German epic poem. The poem is set out in prose and reads like a regular book. I read in the book that it was an epic poem. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” I have been watching far too much television, but I find that there is nothing much else to do. Today is pretty hot.

I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I really want to keep up writing in my journal, and I sincerely hope that I can start writing about hour entries again. The book that I am reading has a pretty good plot, and a lot happens. There is a weakness in the plot though in that the book is kind of boring, and the contents can be kind of superfluous and extraneous. Some parts seem to be its strong part, but the book does not have as much vital parts as perhaps it could to make it a truly good book. The book is supposed to be an epic poem.

I wonder how Wagner used the book in his operas. I hope that I will be able to drive to James Bozzuto’s on Monday. Otherwise, I might have to have one of my parents drive me. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. I will probably miss exercising today, but I hope that I will be able to exercise all right tomorrow. My life certainly has been chaotic lately, but maybe I will get out of my hard times and get back on track. Well, now is about time to go. I wish the reader well. Today I will probably not do any more academics, and I will probably just rest for the rest of the day. Last night I slept pretty well.

Today really is a beautiful day, and it is probably too hot for a run but maybe not. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Saturday, May 12 2001

I still am not able to read any books though I am able to read the newspaper. I am going to make this entry really short because I cannot continue. I might have to go on fifteen milligrams of Zyprexa to improve my chaotic condition, and I see the psychiatrist on Monday. Today I was reading the newspaper, and I read for about an hour and twenty minutes in all. I read first for about an hour. The newspaper is much more boring than books. I hope that God will see me through these rough times and that He will be there for me. My obsessions are pretty bad too. I hope that I will be able to see my grandparents soon. I have not been writing much because my life is in shreds. I feel pretty bad right now though I was able to read today. Now I am oﬀ. Maybe the increased dosage will help, but maybe it will not. Anyway, I am oﬀ like a crow. That was not funny. Bye bye.

Sunday, May 13 2001

Tomorrow might be the first day that I take fifteen milligrams of Zyprexa, and I do not see any other way out of my situation. I guess that I will ask the doctor to prescribe fifteen milligrams for me. I cannot live without reading books. Maybe the medicine will help, but maybe it will make my condition worse. I do not want to feel worse. I feel awfully tired right now and am unable to concentrate well. I do not know if I will be able to write for a full half hour.

Tomorrow I will have to be brought to the psychiatrist’s. I just must be firm in my resolve to take fifteen milligrams and not to take Prozac, Paxil, or the like.

I hope that fifteen milligrams is not too much. I hope that it will not be like being on Risperdal, which I hated.

Today I rode my bike for about an hour. Today is warm but not hot. It is quite mild in temperature out. I wonder what Virginia Woolf would do if she could take Zyprexa; maybe she could have lived longer than she did. Many writers could have lived longer. I just do not know whether fifteen milligrams will work better, as maybe it would make my condition worse. I doubt that it will do what I hope that it will do, and I probably will be tired too much. If the medicine does not work, then I will be in trouble. I want to be healthy. I did have a fun bike ride today. Halfway through the ride I had to quickly get a sweatshirt from my room because it was not hot enough for a T-shirt that I was wearing.

The leaves are now fully out on the trees.

The newspaper does not have much good stuﬀ in it. All news is boring except for the science section and for some major headlines. Yesterday I read some about the United States’ plan for a missile shield. Also, I read about a senator who got a lot of gifts, from this guy, including a Rolex and some money for a payment on a Mercedes-Benz. I think that the Rolex costs about $8,100 dollars. Yesterday I went to Arthur’s Drug Store to buy a newspaper. The guy who rung me up had been talking to this young woman, and he swore twice, not

seeming to care about his foul language. The newspaper’s price was one dollar even though it was supposed to be seventy-five cents as marked on the newspaper, so I guess that Arthur’s charges some money extra.

Today on my bike ride I passed a woman and her two kids. I also passed a young man who wore a Notre Dame football T-shirt, and he looked like a football player himself. I wonder how tired I will be on fifteen milligrams of Zyprexa. I will probably be quite tired. I have not been feeling well for probably a little over a month now, so I am just thinking that something must be done. I do not know if fifteen milligrams will help, but it is worth trying.

I wonder how I would take the fifteen milligrams. I might take five milligrams in the morning, or I might take the fifteen milligrams all at once at night. I hope that I will be able to keep riding my bike. I need some new shorts, and my mom was supposed to get me some J. Crew shorts today. My obsessions are, unfortunately, still extremely annoying. I hear that Prozac cures depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. My obsessions are sure annoying me right now. I hope that I also do not gain any more weight. Well, I am about through with my entry right now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow about how the medicine works if I take fifteen milligrams. I hope that the reader will stick with me. The fifteen milligrams might not work. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Tuesday, May 15 2001

I took the medicine last night, and I could barely ride my bike today though I did. There does not seem to be much sleepiness, but I had no energy to ride my bike today. I feel like going to the mall, and I might do that. I cannot seem to concentrate on reading yet though that might change. I might go to the mall tonight. I am thinking about going to summer school at the University of Connecticut in Hartford. Last night I took fifteen milligrams of Zyprexa. Things might not be going well on it, though, for I cannot seem to stick with much, including this journal entry. I lack motivation. My obsessions are still with me. Well, I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Sunday, May 20 2001

Hi. There has really been a lot that has happened since Monday, when I took the extra five milligrams. I have been to the Westfarms Mall twice, and I have been to Mamaw and Popee’s twice. Lately I have been struggling to resolve to go to summer school at UConn though I find it hard to decide to go, and it is emotionally tiring to get myself to resolve this. There is a chance that I will actually go to summer school though. Today I read The Nibelungenlied for about an hour, and I am almost through with the book though I had not read much of it at all last week.

Going to the Westfarms Mall was fun, and I liked looking in Abercrombie and Fitch as well as Brooks Brothers. I saw Mamaw and Popee yesterday. The next-door neighbors had company. I wonder if I will follow through with UConn and if I would be able to get in a class. I would like to see how a professor thinks my writing is. Classes start like July 2. I really had fun for the most part going to the mall, and there were some well-dressed people there. I might go to the mall tomorrow to bring back some shorts that I got that were too small. The waist was size thirty-three, but I guess that now I take a size thirty-four. On Thursday I played ping-pong with Popee, and my mom was the ball girl. At first I was afraid that Popee was going to fall, but it worked out all right.

Today is a beautiful day. God’s supreme grace has gotten me through rough times, and He has been nice enough to do this. He will always be close to me, and I will always try to do good things for Him. Maybe He will continue to be with me, and I surely will always try to do Him honor. There is no doubt that He has helped me a lot. Today I exercised for about a half hour. Last night, I went for a run on the River Trail, and I ran two loops. This higher dosage does not seem to make it much worse in terms of concentration or endurance though I do not want to try my luck on twenty milligrams.

I also am not ready to take any Ativan. The summer school that I was talking about is in West Hartford, and there is a branch of UConn there. I do not know if I will be able to get into any classes there. If I do not get in any classes, then I still will probably try to return to Trinity College if I can. I find doing these things quite diﬃcult even on this higher dosage, but it cannot hurt to try to do these things. I can see some birds on the lawn right now. Last night there were a lot of bugs on the River Trail. When I went to the mall last week, I went with my mom, and she drove me there. When I went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, I went with my mom and dad.

My sister was at Wheaton College for a couple of days lately; maybe she went to graduation. So, fifteen milligrams is not nearly as bad as I thought that it would be. Today I think that I will only write for about a half hour. I will undoubtedly continue writing in my journal in the future, and I will need to tell what is happening to me. Now that I have gotten on fifteen milligrams all right, I can concentrate on writing more. Well, I am oﬀ now, but I will probably see the reader soon, so to speak. How about that UConn idea? Now I am oﬀ, but I wish the reader good tidings. Bye bye.

Tuesday, May 22 2001

Hi. Yesterday night I went to the Westfarms Mall, and I exchanged two pairs of shorts. I went in a lot of stores, and my favorite store is Brooks Brothers. I saw a lot that I liked there. I am still hoping that I will go to UConn summer school. I saw a sweater on sale at Brooks Brothers that I liked. It is raining today. My sister is still home though she will be leaving on June 1. I saw Mamaw and

Popee for a short time last night. I have been to the mall a lot lately though it gets boring after a while. The drive there is a long one. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I kind of wish that the psychiatrist would not force me to do things that I do not want to do. If I want to stay at home, I should be able to. I like Brooks Brothers very much, and there was a really friendly young woman working there last night who asked how I was.

She was distinguished-looking. Yesterday I went to the Windsor Library, but there were no good magazines to read. The West Hartford town hall is way better than the Windsor town hall. West Hartford is a much nicer place to live than Windsor though I am happy here, and maybe eventually I will have a house in West Hartford. The style at Abercrombie and Fitch has changed a lot for the worse, and they have a lot of cargo pants. I am disappointed in their clothes, but am not very disappointed. They had some nice collared shirts. Today is quite cool. Yesterday my sister had a friend over. The mall has some nice stores, like I mentioned. I like the Discovery Channel store, which has some rocks in it, like quartz and fool’s gold. There are a lot of rocks there, and they sell for an average of about two dollars each.

Well, I am on fifteen milligrams of medicine now. I might be better oﬀ on twenty milligrams, but for now I will stick with fifteen. Yesterday I had a fun bike ride for about fifty-five minutes. Popee is doing pretty well, and Mamaw is too.

My mom got some shirts for Mamaw at Westfarms, and she both bought and delivered them to Mamaw last night. My sister might be going to Boston tomorrow to look for a job. I exchanged size thirty-three shorts for size thirty-six shorts today. The pants that I am wearing now are a size thirty-three. Almost all of my pants and shorts are a size thirty-three, but these Hilfigers that I got at Lord and Taylor run really small.

If I can go to UConn, then maybe I will be able to return to Trinity College as well. I would really like to return to college. The added medicine seems to help me to be more social. The allure of the mall seems to fade fairly quickly, so I think that I will get tired of Westfarms if I keep going often. I hope that I will be able to return to Trinity College. I would like to take two courses to start with in the fall, and I could take Latin and Greek. This summer I would like to take English, and only time will tell whether I will be able to.

One place that is very boring to be in is the Windsor Library. There is nothing of interest there though I did get my interest in UConn from there. The place is kind of ugly, like I mentioned, though an attractive young woman works there. Their books are no good and old. They have some classics, but they are all old and nasty-looking. They are paperbacks that are totally worn out and are barely fit to read though they have a decent CD collection.

Today is a nice day though rainy. Fifteen milligrams is much easier to live on than I would have thought. I wonder if I will go to UConn this summer and return to Trinity College in the fall. I might have to be on twenty milligrams sometime if this dosage does not work. The added medicine makes me a bit

slower. I mean that I was a tad slower on my bike ride yesterday. I played ping- pong with Popee recently with my mom as the ball girl, and I played three games with him. He played pretty well, and Mamaw even watched some.

Mamaw suggested that I buy some pansies at Geissler’s. I had asked her about what kind of flowers they were. I am ignorant about flowers really. Those nice trees with white flowers on them on my bike route are far diﬀerent now, for the white flowers have all disappeared. Also, the flowers in the garden have disappeared. I might exercise some after dinner if the rain stops, and I hope that the rain stops so that I will be able to exercise some. I think that my sister is going to be living in a fraternity house in Boston this summer with a lot of other kids. I have been watching some tennis. The finals of the Italian Open pitted Amelie Mauresmo versus Jelena Dokic.

I am not sure who won this. The finalists of the big Hamburg tournament were Juan Carlos Ferraro and Albert Portas. The winner of this was Albert Portas, and it was the biggest win of his career and a stunning upset. Mamaw was talking about going to Myrtle Beach sometime, and my mom seemed up for it. I think that it would be fun. I like that beach more than any other beach that I have seen though I liked it partly because of the family. I probably am somewhat rusty at writing, for I have not written a full entry in more than a week. I need to get back on track. James Bozzuto wants me to go to college, but I might have other plans. I wonder what the best thing for me to do right now is.

I hope that I will be able to write a full entry today. Mamaw seemed to want my mom and me to stay longer last night. To tell the truth, last night I did not really want to visit much, and I wanted to go to the mall. My obsessions are still with me though they have abated somewhat. Well, I might be able to write a full entry after all today. Now is about time to go. I hope that the reader is still with me. I may be somewhat rusty, but I am planning on continuing to write in my journal. I wonder how things will go with UConn. Well, I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Thursday, May 24 2001

Hi. Today I finished The Nibelungenlied, which ended with the deaths of Kriemhild and King Gunther. Maybe I will go to the bookstore today to get some books. Well, I am oﬀ now. Of course, I wish the reader well. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, May 25 2001

This medicine does make me quite tired. Also, at night I have had some trouble falling asleep, and I wish that I did not have this problem. For example, last night I felt wide awake, when I would usually feel tired, and I had a lot of trouble settling down. Today is a rainy day. I feel awfully tired right now. Today

I read a short story by Bessie Head for about forty-seven minutes. I have a lot to say concerning the time that I have had oﬀ from my journal. I went to the mall three times. The Westfarms Mall has some really nice stores in it, and I like Brooks Brothers the best out of the stores there. Like I said, yesterday I finished The Nibelungenlied, which ended sadly. Yesterday I also read some short stories by Bessie Head for about fifty minutes.

Bessie Head writes Botswana village tales, and the book is called The Collector of Treasures. I have read it before. Well, although I was before thinking about going to UConn summer school, now it does not look like I will go. Also, I guess that returning to Trinity College looks kind of bleak, unfortunately.

Yesterday I went on a bike ride for about a half hour, and I passed a neatly dressed high-school girl. The mosquitos did not bother me on my bike. I have been to the library more than I would like. The Windsor Library is kind of ugly though I hate to rank on it. There is such a huge diﬀerence between it and, say, the Trinity College library. I am kind of concerned about my diﬃculty in getting to sleep. Last night I had a lot of trouble getting to bed undoubtedly because of the medicine. I take fifteen milligrams of Zyprexa at night, and I wonder if that is too much to take.

Tomorrow I will probably go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I need to get some new books, and I hope that I will find some good ones. I need some new CDs too. I will probably get the new books tomorrow and the new CDs next week sometime. I know that I have not written enough in my journal of late, but there was the distraction of this new dosage. I do not know if this dosage is all right, for the feeling that I have at night is kind of scary. I find it hard to relax being on so much medicine. I mean that I find it hard to relax at night before bed. I think that the last time that I wrote a full entry was Tuesday. I am glad that I have finished The Nibelungenlied. The book was satisfactory, but cannot compare to Homer, as some would like to believe. For example, the Odyssey is far superior to The Nibelungenlied.

I like the Odyssey very much. I had a psychiatrist appointment on

Wednesday, and I was forced to reveal many intimate parts of myself that I do not like to reveal. I just feel so much pressure on my part to talk while I am there, so I find myself revealing far too much, I believe, about myself. For example, I told him that Beowulf was the first English epic poem, when he mentioned the title. I also said that I did not watch basketball much. He asks me about my feelings for my sister. He asked me how I felt about my sister going to Boston, and this is an intimate thing that I would rather not talk about to anyone. There are not many flowers out in the yard, and I miss them. Last night for a change I saw “The Pretender” and the news. In the late afternoon I saw some skateboarding. So, tomorrow I hope that I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s and to the bookstore. My obsessions are kind of annoying still.

Yet I have not mentioned the mall yet. I went to the mall a lot. I went in many stores, which I liked very much, and I bought two pairs of Tommy Hilfiger

shorts. I went in stores like Banana Republic and Abercrombie and Fitch. In Abercrombie and Fitch, there was music blasting, and this was the only store with loud music in it. Banana Republic was all right, but it was kind of a boring store. Then there was J. Crew, which was filled with young fashion icons in the flesh. I liked Brooks Brothers the best, and there was one attractive-in-brain-and- brawn young woman there, who asked how I was.

I liked the clothes in Brooks Brothers very much, and they were not extremely expensive either. I saw a V-neck sweater that I liked that was on sale for about forty-nine dollars, and the button-down shirts at Brooks Brothers were very nice and stylish. The shirts were of prime quality and were very nice. I liked the belts there too although they were rather expensive, but I do not really know how to wear belts well. There is some construction going on at Westfarms right in the center there. I liked the Discovery Channel store, which had some nice rocks for sale that brought back memories of museums and nature places visited. I went in a boring watch store, and Filene’s was also really boring. The people at Westfarms are pretty stylish. Abercrombie and Fitch has gone downhill from when I saw them last, for now they mostly carry cargo pants. The store has moved from traditional to the alternative styles. Cargo pants have those pockets right in the middle of the pants. Still, I do not hate those I just do not prefer them to the traditional Abercrombie and Fitch ones that I once knew.

Each time that I went to the mall I stayed for about a half hour, and my mom brought me each time. For my psychiatrist appointment, my dad brought me. He told me that it takes some weeks for the medicine to build up in my system. I have been wondering whether it would not be better if I took the medicine twice each day, once in the morning and once at night. Maybe I should take ten milligrams at night and five milligrams in the morning.

I have been to Mamaw and Popee’s also lately. I played some ping-pong with Popee with my mom acting as the ball girl, and I had some pie there too. Popee recently finished a book though I have not really had much of a chance to talk with Popee lately. Popee is working on physical therapy to strengthen himself, and maybe he will some day be able to play ping-pong without a ball girl. At the mall, I got some new Adidas sandals as well as those two pairs of shorts. The sandals will replace my old blue sandals. The kind that I have now are black with a velcro strap on them.

Yesterday I did three loops on the River Trail on my bike, which is surprisingly still holding up well. If I got a new bike, I probably would want to get a Giant and a higher model than I have now of a Giant. If I did not get a Giant, then I would probably get a Specialized Rock Hopper. If I had a choice of any bike, I would probably get a special Trek space-aged bike. All bikes these days seem to have shocks, and when I was into bikes, only a select few high- model bikes had shocks. Today I am writing a full entry, and I am glad that I did. I wonder what will happen with my Trinity College situation. I wonder how long I can really be on medical leave.

I wish that there was some new treatment for schizophrenia so that I could return to college. I hope that I will be able to keep up this journal and that I will be able to print it sometime soon. Well, I am about done with this entry now. I do not know how well I am going to be able to keep up a schedule on this new dosage, but there seems to be some hope of constructive things to come. So, now I am oﬀ but not before wishing the reader well. I am oﬀ now, but I will probably be back soon. Bye bye.

Sunday, May 27 2001

Hi. I did not write yesterday because I was at Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Today has been a successful day. I read for about fifty-seven minutes from a book of Pushkin’s prose, and I also was able to run for about a half hour. Right now it is a beautiful day out. My shirt got drenched with sweat on my run, and I wore shorts and a sweatshirt. I was able to run for the full time. Last night I read for about fifty minutes and finished the first story in the Pushkin book though the story was not completed by him. The story was superb, though, and so far I like the book.

The story that I am reading now is superb, and it is called something like A Novel in Letters. The story features a correspondence between first two young women and then a young man and his friend. I went to the bookstore on Friday night and bought four books and two Mozart CDs, which came together in a two- for-the-price-of-one deal. I bought two Virginia Woolf books, a Hawthorne book, and the Pushkin book. Yesterday I read for about an hour and forty-seven minutes total. I hope that today I get a chance to write a full entry.

God has been good to allow me to have my health, to read, and to write.

He really has a lot of grace and dignity to let me do these things, and I look up to Him for it obviously. I do think about God a lot, for He gives me inspiration. I will always admire Him and His behavior. Today is a warm day. Today is a lovely summer day. I can see some purple flowers in the yard. The trees now have all the leaves on them. I had a good run today, and I seemed to be most tired in the beginning of it. I hope that I can settle down to reading Pushkin now.

The Nibelungenlied took me a long time to read, and it cannot compare to Pushkin. I might be a bit biased in that Pushkin is far better known. Still, he is far better known for a reason. In The Nibelungenlied, in the end King Gunther dies as well as King Etzel’s queen named Kriemhild. So, it was a sad day for all involved at the end of the German epic poem. The book had a lot of violence in it, and the end ended with bloodshed.

All of the Burgundians were killed in King Etzel’s land of Hungary. My parents went out today, and they always seem to go out on weekends. They like going to the crazy town of Northampton, which is a hotbed of anarchy and of liberals though I do like Amherst, and I went with them some to Amherst, where the college is. I like Amherst College, and I went to tennis camp there once. I

liked their student center very much, for it had foosball and a nice pool table. I did like the school of Amherst better than Williams as far as the physical plant I mean though I liked the tennis camp at Williams better. If I could visit any school now, I would be interested in visiting Oxford or Yale. I am also interested in seeing Andover and Exeter. Those high schools are bigger than Loomis, and their reputation is better. Still, one could like going to Loomis better, worse, or the same as going to one of those schools.

I did not play ping-pong with Popee yesterday. He did not want to go down the stairs without two railings. My mom went with Mamaw to a store yesterday.

When I was over there and not saying much, Mamaw said that I was probably thinking that those old people are talking about nothing. Well, this is basically the gist of what happened, but some background is needed. Mamaw had mentioned that a psychiatrist had said that one can tell from body movements what a child is thinking. Then mom talked about how she could tell what my sister was thinking through her body movements, and then the topic came to me. I think that my mom thought it was diﬃcult to tell sometimes what I was thinking.

Then Mamaw wondered what I was thinking, and she guessed that I was thinking what are those old people talking about. I laughed with them, and I said that that was not what I was thinking. I also told Popee that I went on fifteen milligrams from ten, and he wondered whose idea that was. I said that it was my idea, and he thought that it was too early to tell whether the move was a good one. My mom thought that Popee looked down yesterday, and at times his confusion indeed was high. His illness seems to be getting worse though I think that he is still reading.

I wonder what he is reading now. I have not seen many birds lately, and I wonder where they all are. Maybe they have flown South again. Last night, I watched the news and part of a movie, and, like I mentioned, I read some Pushkin last night. Modern music is really in need of help. The modern singers are like Mya, Christina Aguilera, Pink, Willa Ford, the Backstreet Boys, and N Sync. These groups really cannot compare to classical music. Relating to classical music, the composers used to be virtuosos, but now the singers are all a motley crowd. Music is terrible these days. I feel bad that there are not modern- day composers that can replicate the music of the past. There will only be one Mozart and one Vivaldi.

Like I said, on my run today initially I felt pretty tired. Then I kind of got into a groove, yet I still found it as usual quite diﬃcult to run for a full half hour. I really sweated a lot too. It is comforting that I have not had too much diﬃculty falling asleep for the past two nights. The medicine does not seem to mess me up too much at night. Right now the sun is shining a lot, which is good news. I have not been to Loomis Chaﬀee in a while though I saw the outside of it on a run lately, and I have not seen Trinity College in a real long time either. Things look bleak as far as me returning there though. My obsessions all but make

going to college impossible, and I would rather not take Prozac for them. Prozac is supposed to help with that and depression. Anyway, there are a lot of college championships on television. I saw some of the Pac-10 track and field championships, and there is also the college world series of baseball on. There is a channel called MSG, which stands for Madison Square Garden.

I think that it is funny that MSG is also a flavor enhancer that, I think, causes me to get a headache though I do not know how to spell the scientific name for the thing. The first part is monosodium though. That first part seems harmless enough, but the second part sounds disgusting. There is a lot of NBA action on too, but I have not watched that much. At the bookstore in Manchester, I saw a lot of interesting poetry books. I saw books by William Blake, Byron, Tennyson, and Ezra Pound among others. The store had a lot of Mozart CDs too, and more than one could listen to in a year. Well, I might get in a full entry today, and I am lucky for this. I saw Mrs. Marchetti today on my run on my way home, and she was out to tend her flowers. I might not know how to spell her name, but I think that it is Ruthanne.

I still have dreams obviously, and last night I had a very vivid one in which what I was wearing and my appearance are beyond description. In my dreams I am oﬀ this medicine. I wish the reader well, and I wonder if he or she is still with me for the long haul too. I am oﬀ now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Tuesday, May 29 2001

Hi. I am writing this at night. I drove to the psychiatrist appointment today. It troubles me that I am suﬀering from a lack of mental stimulation. I guess that tonight I should watch television. I am having psychotic thoughts constantly. I want to go to college, but these thoughts are so with me. Well, I am oﬀ now. I keep telling myself to beware of Satan and the Antichrist. I must be crazy. Well, now I should watch television. Bye bye.

Thursday, May 31 2001

Today I had a good bike ride, but I was not able to do any academics. Last night I read for about fifty minutes. Today I rode for about fifty-five minutes, and this dosage of medicine slows me down some. I am writing this before dinner.

There was nothing good on television this afternoon. I was thinking about going to Westfarms tonight, but I do not know if I will. Today I went on my usual bike route. If I do finish this half entry today, I will probably not go to Westfarms. I am reading Pushkin right now, and the book is fun. Yesterday I was also able to read for about a half hour in the afternoon, and then I was able to read for about fifty minutes in the night, like I said. Today I went to CVS in town. I walked there. I went to look for some magazines, like Tennis or Bicycling, but they were

not there. There were just boring magazines there with no substance. I will probably see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. Then I have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. The day is quite nice today. I am looking forward to reading some Pushkin in the weeks to come.

The day was really beautiful today, and the breeze felt really nice on me.

There was not too much talked about at the psychiatrist appointment. The doctor asked me how the added medicine helped me. He also asked me as usual about what book I was reading and what it was about. I said that in The Nibelungenlied everyone died at the end, for I think that he asked me how the book ended.

Today was a great day for getting outside. I am writing this instead of going to Westfarms. Yesterday I found it hard not to write in the journal, for I guess that I like talking to myself. Without talking in my journal yesterday (or when I do not write in my journal), I am essentially mute because I do not talk much to anyone else. On my bike ride today I passed a woman and her daughter, and an old couple. I walked to CVS today because I did not have anything else to do. CVS is the worst store, except of course if one has to get medicine there. I am, of course, on Zyprexa, and I am on fifteen milligrams of it now. Of course, the medicine slows me down, and it seems that fifteen milligrams slows me down more than ten.

Yesterday I exercised for about an hour. I ran and walked first, and then later I rode my bike for about a half hour. So, I have been getting my exercise lately. Now is about time to end this entry, but I am glad that I was able to write. I have been having good dreams lately, and I guess that this is a good sign. Well, now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader is healthy. I hope that I will be able to write at least a half entry tomorrow. I wrote a half entry today for about a half hour. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, June 2 2001

Hi. Things today have been kind of chaotic, to say the least. My sister just left for college. Today I read for a total of about fifty-two minutes. Things have really been chaotic. I am looking for some quiet, but I do not know if I ever will get it. Yet it is quiet now. Still, I am trying to recover from the incessant hum of this house. Sometimes I wish that I could live in a bigger house. Today was a rainy day. Maybe now I can finally get down to some academics though I might have to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. After that and after my psychiatrist appointment, maybe I can do academics. There seems to be at this time too many impediments. Still, I will probably have some time coming up. The thought of college is always on my mind; I think about it all the time though like the character in Pushkin I do not have the health to get up early. Therefore, like the character in Pushkin I cannot get a formal education.

Last night I listened to some Wagner, which was all right. I listened to some overtures. My favorite overture on CD one is Rienzi, which has a catchy melody. Yesterday I think that I read for about a half hour, and I think that I also rode my bike for about fifty-five minutes. Today I rode for about a half hour. I hope that things will calm down from now on. My journal has been terribly neglected, but I was stuck here in this small house with too much noise. If I lived in a much bigger house, then I would not have these problems. Maybe some day I can publish these journals and live in a bigger house. I am planning on printing up the latest in my journal in a couple months. I would like to have a laser printer. Anyway, right now I am reading Alexander Pushkin’s complete prose, which is quite long.

Today on my bike ride I passed a woman with a small golden dog, which was not a golden retriever. I also passed a man whom I had seen before on the trail with his dog. This particular dog looks like it might be mean, but it is quite friendly to me. Once when I was on the trail a while ago, the dog ran directly at me quickly, and I was afraid that I would get bitten. Then it slowed down when it got to me and seemed to be quite nice. My mom says that she does not feel very well. I saw a couple ducks on the River Trail. I guess that I saw a mallard and a duck. One was brown, and the other had a green head. Today I did three loops of the River Trail.

I really like Pushkin’s work though I think that I can tell that it was written a while ago, and the prose reads like it was written by hand. Still, I like the book very much. I like it more than The Nibelungenlied, which was just satisfactory. My mom asked me if I had started any of the books that I recently got. She asked me this at dinner tonight, and she asked me what I was reading. I said “Pushkin.” I wonder how long my sister will be in Boston. I hope that I will be able to get back on track with my reading and writing though I have not let my exercising fall. Last Tuesday it was a welcome surprise indeed that I drove on my own to the psychiatrist.

Tonight I will probably watch some television, and I have not watched it much today at all. I got up pretty late, but I was able to get up for good. It is to my liking that the days have been quite cool lately. This morning, I could not think of much of anything to do, as I did not want to go to the Windsor Library. Well, I have got to go now. I hope that I will be able to write regularly now, and I will probably write on Monday. I am oﬀ now. I might go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. Bye bye.

Sunday, June 3 2001

Hello. I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. It is unfortunate that my mom is sick today. Today I read for about an hour. At least I think that I did, for the second time I read I might have lost track of time. I read twice for about a half hour each time. Today I read Pushkin for about an hour, and the book is

quite good. Right now it is raining out quite hard. I am glad that I was not stuck in this rain on a bike ride. So, I did not go to Mamaw and Popee’s today. If my mom were well, then I might still not have gone, but I might have gone. Popee was watching some tennis today, as I heard my mom talking to him on the phone.

My mom said that the Saab is working, and if it is, then I cannot wait to drive it. I like that car a lot. My mom just coughed, so I do not know how long this entry will last. Yesterday I wrote a half entry. I wonder if I will be able to get on track with my academics. I certainly am having some ill luck today, as my mom is sick. I am wearing my new J. Crew shorts, making myself a preppy, I guess. I am wearing a T-shirt. Today is quite rainy. I want to go for a bike ride today, and maybe after dinner I will get a chance to. I am glad that I found a good writer is Pushkin. The Russians really did not have any good writers in the eighteenth century, and then a bunch of writers came into existence. Among them were Gorky, Pushkin, Tolstoy, Turgenev, and Dostoevsky. I have not read Gorky.

The only thing about the Pushkin book is that some of the stories are not finished. Therefore, there is no conclusion to some of them. I wonder what is on television today, and I have not watched any yet. Right now it is raining quite heavily. Today I finished a story that was not finished, and it was called something like “The History of the Village of Gorukhino.” Now I am reading a story that a lady is narrating. James Bozzuto asked me what Pushkin was about, and whether it was about people of the lower classes or the noblemen. I thought about his question, and then said that the stories were about the aristocracy.

I do not think that I will read anymore today. I certainly hope that I do not get sick from my mom, and I hope that she gets better soon. Now the rain is letting down. I am hoping that after dinner I will go out on a bike ride. The book that I am reading is about many diﬀerent topics. The first story was really probably my favorite yet, and it was called something like “The Blackamoor of Peter the Great.” The story was about this man who was to be married to a fine young woman. The man was black, and there were not many blacks in Russia at that time. I think that Peter ordered the marriage.

The black man was of noble birth, and I think that he was the son of a sultan or something and that he was a favorite of Peter. Yesterday night, I was bothered by a mosquito. The thing was flying around at around ten-thirty, and I had to try to kill it for a while. I finally gave up, but I was paranoid about it. So, it kept me up in this way until very late though the mosquito has died now. I am omitting some words because I do not know how to spell them. My spelling has gone downhill since elementary school, when I would get all of the one hundred percents on my spelling tests. I got stickers for those scores. I dream at night about being in school. I think that I dream about being in the classroom. These are probably wish fulfillments, as Freud would say; he thought that all dreams are wish fulfillments.

Today I am hoping that I will be able to complete this full entry. Yesterday I was forced to write a half entry, and I have written a lot of half entries instead of full entries of late at least. Today for lunch I had my usual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I think that the sandwich was invented by the earl of Sandwich, and the invention has been very important. People have sandwiches for lunch all the time. Anyway, I still have a lot of dreams though my dreams tend to not be as good as on ten milligrams. This computer has paused too much while I have been writing here today, and I hope that it does not have a virus or something.

The whole notion of a virus on a computer strikes me as crazy. They are, of course, not real viruses. I guess that a reader can tell that I have not written in a while by how I write. I really am kind of dull-witted today writing. I mean not that I am less humorous but that I am not as acute in observation and intellectual capacity as before. I hope that things will soon improve if all goes well. I have been on this fifteen milligrams for about a couple weeks now, and I guess that it is helping me to get through my days better. I am looking forward to riding my bike tonight, and this I can do because my toe does not bother me at all when I am riding a bike.

I certainly hope that I will be able to write a full entry today, and I think that it is important to get back on track. I hope that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee next weekend. I have not been able to do academics in a schedule for a while now, but now that I am on fifteen milligrams I might just be able to do things. The rain has all but stopped now, so it looks like I will probably be able to ride my bike tonight though it will probably be cold out tonight.

The River Trail has not been crowded of late probably because of the weather. So far the spring has been quite cool. I wonder when summer starts, or if it has already started. Things move by so fast. Seasons pass by faster than a buzzing fly. I wrote a haiku like this once though I would get the worst grade that I got at Loomis in this English course with Sally Knight. I cannot believe how badly I did in that course, and I just did not study. I regret my poor performance in the class. I kind of miss Hamilton College too, and how I was in the Brass Choir and all. That was so long ago now though even though it seems so recent. That was about five years ago. Time flies. Well, I am about through with this entry now. I wish the reader well, and I hope that I will be able to write a full entry tomorrow. I hope that I can get into a schedule in the coming months.

Now I am oﬀ though. I am hoping that I will be able to ride my bike tonight. I want to stick to this goal tonight. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Monday, June 4 2001

Today was a day that started out with little promise. I was in my bed, and I was trying hard to keep my eyes open. I could not do anything in this state. I was like this for a while, but I finally dared to start reading Pushkin. I was disappointed in reading a new story, for I found it kind of boring. The story is

not up to par with his other stories that I have read so far. The story is about two close friends who have had a falling out, and the richer of the two decides to hurt his friend by taking over his estate. This richer of the two has so much clout everywhere that he was able through legal means to take over the other’s estate even though the other owned it justly. That is how much clout the richer man has over people, and those that come into contact with him want to please him.

Now, however, having ruined his friend’s life the richer man feels bad about it and wants to make up with him. The plot is quite boring, and the writing is boring.

Only through God’s help have I been able to get along as I have, for He has always been there for me in tough times. He allows me to keep going, and He is an inspiration for me. I do look up to Him, for He has a lot of grace. I certainly hope that I will continue looking up to Him. Today I read for about an hour, and I also rode my bike for about a half hour. I was thinking on my ride of riding for an hour, but I decided not to in favor of writing here for about an hour. Last night, I listened to some Wagner preludes, including the Parsifal prelude. Today certainly is a beautiful day. I wonder where the root of beautiful comes from, as it almost sounds French. I guess that I am getting into the etymology of words.

The kids in the spelling bee asked the root of the words, and most of the roots were Greek or Latin. I have not slept too well for the past two nights, and this is of some concern to me.

I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. I have that psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. My mom is feeling better today though she did not go to work. My bike ride was pretty good though I did not see any fine lasses, like I sometimes do. There is so much on television that is annoying, and there are too many commercials. There was a track meet going on yesterday at Princeton University. On television I saw the 400-meter race, which Angelo Taylor won.

Well, I should not talk about television though I do watch it a lot. Yesterday I watched the news some and also “Law and Order.” Everything on television depresses one.

My room is nice even though it is small. I have three bookcases, of which two are full. I have a lot of nice books. I have this iMac on a nice table that Carol used when she went to Westminster. I have a great big wooden chest of drawers, my bed is nice, and I have a big mirror in my room too. I have about summed up my room already. The room is carpeted in gray carpet and has wall-to-wall carpeting. The only good thing about the house is that there are roses coming up in the garden. The roses are colored red and orange. I wonder who my dad was talking to on the phone today, and he was talking in Italian.

Last night I listened to Richard Wagner. Of course, I like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Antonio Vivaldi better. After I finish writing this entry, I am probably not going to do any more academics for the rest of the day, , and I will be through. I guess that the Saab is working now though I do not trust it yet. I wonder when my sister will be home. The River Trail was flooded today,

so I had to go on the sidewalks some. I rode down part of the River Trail and then outside it. I saw two women with a white dog on the River Trail, which should be all right tomorrow or the next day though. My dreams are hard to remember. I wonder if I will ever return to college. I hear that in New York there are radio stations for just classical music, and I think that that is a nice thing. I am kind of disappointed in Pushkin, like I said. The book started out so well, but now it is going downhill. Maybe it will pick up with the next story though the story I am reading now is a long one.

People got around in carriages drawn by horses in Pushkin’s day. There were serfs then too. In other words there were a select few very rich people who owned whole towns, as in the story that I am reading, and who had people working under them. The system is all but gone today in America, though, except for the very rich who have servants of their own. I wonder what it would be like have servants. I wonder what it would be like to be a savant, who I think is a brilliant person. I am hoping that I will print my journal at the beginning of next month. I did not pass many people on my bike ride today. Yesterday I think that I passed an attractive young woman.

Many of the young women whom I pass smile at me though I do not provoke them too. I sometimes give them back a pensive smile. I remember when Popee saw my picture in the Loomis Chaﬀee photo book when I was a sophomore, and he said that I looked pensive. I think that the French Open is going on now, and I wonder how the talent in that tournament is doing. I heard that Kuerten won his match. Agassi and Sampras won their first round matches though Sampras lost his next match.

Kuerten is from Brazil. Serena Williams is doing well though her sister Venus lost in the first or second round. Well, I am about through with this entry. I wonder how I would like being a professional tennis player, a professional runner, or a professional soccer player. Anyway, I am veering oﬀ course. I am through with academics today when I finish this entry. I am writing this in the afternoon. I hope that the reader is still with me, and I will try to write as well as I can on this increased dosage of medicine. Times are rough in the morning though. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that I will write on Wednesday. Bye bye.

Tuesday, June 5 2001

I skipped my psychiatrist appointment today. Instead, I went on a bike ride and read Pushkin. I almost went to my appointment, but I decided against it. I did have a pretty good bike ride today though I nearly fell, when I brushed up against some pine trees. This was the nearest that I have come recently to an accident on my bike. I am reading Pushkin now, and things have picked up on that front. The book has gotten better. The story that I am reading has gotten better and more action-packed. My dad took my mom to work this morning, and

I think that he is going to pick her up this afternoon. My sister has called from Boston, and my dad told my mom that she seems to be happy there.

I am not sure when my sister will be coming home to drop oﬀ the car. So, I did not get to my psychiatrist appointment today. I called in sick essentially, and I left a message on James Bozzuto’s answering machine that I was not feeling well. This was a lie, but I did not know what else to say. I will try not to miss a possible appointment next week though. I will probably get an appointment for next week. I would try hard to get to that one. Yesterday night I listened to a piano quintet and a string quintet by Mozart. They were on the same CD, which is a new one in a two-CD set that I got last time I was at the bookstore though I like the first CD in the set better.

There is not much on television these days. In the news recently there was a terrorist bombing in Israel. I feel bad about that, but it does not have any bearing on me personally since it is just on television. I hope that I will be able to write a half entry like I planned on though. Today is a beautiful day, and it was a great day for riding my bike. My bike, however, is getting noisier. The noise comes obviously from the crank shaft. Maybe it is time that I do get a new bike, and if I do get a new bike, I hope that it is a Giant. Yet the bike I have might last for some time longer.

Now my mom has asked me if I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s. Also, she asked me how I was. I hope that I can continue writing this entry. Like I said, though, it is a beautiful day today. I feel bad for all those workers in the tobacco fields that I pass. They are either on tractors, in trucks, or on the fields. On two occasions I have heard some men yell loudly in Spanish. One of them yelled “Agua,” and as a kid I learned from Sesame Street that this meant water. Also, by these men there was a huge blue water container. I flew down a hill today, like I usually do on my about hour bike rides. I will probably, however, not be taking these about one-hour bike ride in the near future because I will have time to do academics instead.

At the very end of my bike ride, there is a road that leads to a farm. I am currently curious as to where this road leads to, and I was tempted today to go down this road to look at the farm. The story in Pushkin that I am reading has gotten better, like I said, for the main character has burned down an estate that used to belong to him but that was taken away from him legally by this old and mean rich man. Also, the main character has run away from this devastation and has turned into a robber with some of his former employees, so to speak, as companions. I think that he only robs wealthy men, thus he reminds me of Robin Hood. I do not think that I have read the oﬃcial Robin Hood book if there is one. I wonder what author first came up with the character Robin Hood.

Tonight I guess that I will watch some television. I will probably not do any more academics. I just hope that this journal entry is all right. Well, it started well enough. Now my time is up, though, and I hope that the reader is always in good health. I will probably write tomorrow. Bye bye.

Wednesday, June 6 2001

Hi. Right now I am feeling sort of physically sick, and I hope that I am not getting what my mom had recently. She was sick recently. Today I read for about fifty-five minutes, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. The problem with being on this medicine is that I get really tired in the morning, and I have to struggle just to keep afloat, so to speak. This morning I was close to just going to the Windsor Library, which I thought would help me stay up and alert. I am in this bad situation until about noon, when I kind of feel better and more alert. My bike ride went pretty well, but I felt tired during it. There was a woman runner who said “Hi” to me, and I replied with a “Hi.” I think that there was some gray in her hair.

I saw a diﬀerent woman jogger who was jogging with a small black dog behind her. I passed a woman with shades on, whom I used to see a lot on the River Trail, and an older couple, who looked dignified in their nice clothes. I passed a woman with her kids, who were riding bikes. I passed a lot of people, but not too many. I finished the short story in Pushkin that I was reading. The story ended with the main character and his band of robbers being attacked and with them winning. After the battle, the character decided to leave his place in the woods, where it was no longer safe, and left without Maria, whom he loved. She had been married oﬀ already, though, against her will to about a fifty-year- old prince. She did not like this prince, and she wanted to go oﬀ with the main character though he was too late to save her from her marriage vows.

I dreamt last night that I was in the future. I was in a building and wanted to return home, but I was forced to stay in the building for some hours while the town went through a nuclear exercise of some sorts in which it would be dangerous to be out of doors. A kid handed me a book, which contained writing pieces by me from out of the distant past. I had turned out to be a great writer though there were no pieces from my journal in there. I think that I had written pieces of diﬀerent genres and maybe one of a famous philosopher. The kid told me to hide under a jacket, and I watched while all the people in the building went into some kind of theater, inside which horrible things would happen to them. The kid put me under a jacket so that I did not have to go through what the others were going through. Some kind of alien on the stage that I could not see was frying their brains through its power, and when I saw the eyes of the people bulge out, I went under the jacket in horror.

In another dream I got caught outside, when the nuclear drill was going on. I was at Loomis outside the science center near a door. Suddenly my movements went in slow motion, which was the result of the radiation harming me. I got inside, though, but inside I noticed that my mind had been hurt by the radiation. Well, that about sums up the important dreams that I can remember.

I do have a lot of dreams at night, and each night seems to take up a diﬀerent theme. Today is a beautiful day. My sister has not come home this week yet.

If only I was not so tired in the morning, and I was in bed struggling to stay up for about an hour today. The feeling of just lacking energy is terrible, and I cannot seem to do anything right after I get up. The extent of my abilities all morning is to eat breakfast and to take a shower. Also, I get dressed, obviously.

Then when I am back in bed thinking about what to do, I get really tired. In bed I cannot read or do anything. I am trying to think of what to do for the day, but I find that I can barely even think because my eyes are shutting. I cannot seem to keep my eyes open in the morning. I take my medicine all at once at night.

I feel fine in the afternoon, when the medicine wears oﬀ. I have no trouble at all in keeping my eyes open, say, past noon though today I did have some trouble riding my bike as I usually do. The medicine really makes physical exercise a challenge and vigorous exercise all but impossible. I do not know about what to do for a job.

I am just hoping that I get a better medicine in the near future. If I get a medicine that does cause so much tiredness, then maybe I will be able to go to college. Maybe Lilly will come up with a new schizophrenia drug, and maybe Pfizer will, as they are working on one as I speak, I think. I wish that these scientists would devote more time to schizophrenia drugs, as the disease is a big problem all across the world. I am lucky that I can get Zyprexa and that the Hartford hospital is a good one. I did not go to my appointment yesterday, and he might be mad at me for missing it.

If I had schizophrenia and lived in a Third World country, my treatment would not be as good. Only one percent of the population suﬀers from schizophrenia, but that is really a lot come to think about it. If there are, as I think, 200 million people in the United States, then two million people have had schizophrenia. Yesterday I watched the news and “Law and Order.” On “Law and Order,” this man got a wife in Russia from a catalog though in reality she did not look like a Russian. The plot was that this lady killed her husband because she had been having an aﬀair with this other man.

At dinner my mom asked me if I had gone for a bike ride, and I replied “Yeah.” My dad said that I had a nice smile. I wish that there were better things on television. The news is so boring, and I have seen the movies already. My parents went to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, and they brought me back a piece of cake. Undoubtedly, the source of the cake was Mamaw. I miss my grandparents very much, and I hope that I will be able to see them this Saturday. Yesterday, like I said, I skipped my psychiatrist appointment. My sister has yet to come home.

Tomorrow I am hoping that I will step up my academics a notch by doing about a half an hour more reading than I have been doing since the weekend though I do not know how this will work out. If the reader is interested, the next story in Pushkin that I started today has promise, it seems, though I only got to

read the very beginning. It is a relief that the story that I just finished is a complete story after reading some stories that Pushkin left unfinished.

I might be getting kind of sick, as I feel somewhat slow physically right now. I learned yesterday that Jennifer Capriati beat Serena Williams in three sets at the French Open in the quarterfinals, and next she will meet Hingis, who is currently No.1 in the world. The other semifinal pits Henin and Clijsters.

Whoever wins the Capriati and Hingis match will probably take the French Open altogether. I do not know what is going on in the men’s side of the draw. Anyway, I am about through with my entry today. I got to write a full entry, and I hope that I will be able to write a full entry tomorrow. I do not know though how this dosage of medicine is going to work, for I feel awfully tired in the mornings. Well, I am oﬀ now. I have got to hope that there will be some cure for schizophrenia in the near future, and I hope that the reader wishes me well in that department. I will see the reader tomorrow probably. Bye bye.

Thursday, June 7 2001

Failla is in the house. I do not know why I started with that funky line. That is an expressions that means that I am here and writing. The expression means that I am doing a good thing by writing here. Anyway, today I read Pushkin for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. On the River Trail today I had to go around on the grass around this little kid on a bike, and his mother smiled at me the times that I passed him. The kid was extremely small, and his bike was tiny. I think that as I speak there is going to be some pesticide sprinkled, so to speak, on my lawn, but I hope that they do not show up. I cannot see them yet. One of the men whom I saw on the Marchettis’ lawn had a gas mask dangling from his neck.

I passed two bikers on the River Trail though the people who stick in my mind were that woman and her son on his bicycle. I think that the woman was wearing an all-yellow T-shirt. I saw a turtle in the marsh, and only its top shell was visible above the marsh water. Today I do not think that I will read a half hour tonight like I planned, but I plan on doing what I planned today tomorrow to see if I can do it.

If I can do it tomorrow, then there is hope that I will be able to keep up a schedule in the coming weeks. Last night I listened to a Mozart CD. I listened to two string quintets, a horn quintet, and an adagio that was a quintet, and all of these I liked very much. On the CD I liked the second quintet that was a string quintet best of them all. The adagio was short but interesting. I liked the horn quintet too because it had horns in it, and wind instruments are my ball game.

Wind instruments include trumpets, French horns, clarinets, flutes, and oboes to name some. I played the trumpet growing up, but this medicine all but precludes me from playing it any more.

I am a mere shadow of a trumpet player now. Yesterday night, I dusted oﬀ some of my books that needed dusting. Many of my books are like new, and they just needed to get the dust oﬀ of the top of them. This did not take long. I finished a Pushkin story yesterday, and it was called something like “The Queen of Spades.” The one before that that I mentioned in other entries was called “Dubrovsky,” and Dubrovsky was the name of the main character who turned into a brigand and who then left brigandage and the woods in the end. The story that I finished today, however, was a surrealistic story.

In the story, a dead woman tells the main character three cards that he should play to win a lot of money at cards. The first two cards are used in two nights, one on each night. The dead woman was right, yet the catch was the third night. He had bet all his money on the third and final card. The card was wrong, and the dead woman had made the character lose all of his money because he had shocked her to death in her house before, demanding to know these three cards. So, the dead woman had revenge in the end by giving him the queen of spades to use instead of the right card. Pushkin wrote the word conclusion, and then wrote a paragraph under it describing the fate of the main people in the story.

The fate of the main character was that he was put, I guess, into a mental asylum, where he constantly repeated the names of the three cards. I did like this story, and I started a new one though the new one does not have as much promise. Yet it is quite short, and I will be done with it soon. I feel bad that I am not going to be able to read more today, but I will probably try to do more tomorrow. I wonder when my sister is going to be coming home.

Yesterday night I watched some of that Beverly Hills show with those teenagers Brandon, Kelly, and David, and one knows the story of those kids surely. I also watched the news, “Law and Order,” and part of “The West Wing.” I am hoping that on Saturday I will be able to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Today on my bike ride, I wore my blue shirt that I got at a run in Enfield in 1995. I remember seeing Sally Knight there and finishing up right behind her in the race. Anyway, I also wore my black Adidas soccer shorts and my Nike Air Max running shoes, which, unfortunately, are getting kind of old. I got the shoes last Christmas.

I admit that I do miss school. I would like to have some friends to hang around with though they are not totally needed. Most of all I would like to live on my own in my own house, where there would be no distractions like spiders, tics, mosquitos, and telephone calls. If I lived on my own, I would like to live in a big castle in Germany or something. Sometimes I fantasize that I am an English duke and that I have my own nice castle. I mean that this is not totally out of the question, as I guess that I am related to the English kings of the past through William the Conqueror, who I am a direct relation of.

Maybe I could email some people in England and demand a dukedom.

On the trail today was a blight on it. There was this young man, with a big tattoo

on his arm, reading a newspaper with a can of beer next to him on the bench. He might not have been too bad of a person, but I was annoyed by him like this. He just to me seemed out of place there. I usually do not meet people like this on the trail though I remember about a month ago I passed a few hoodlums carrying beer on the River Trail. One of them left a beer bottle on the trail. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to do more academics than today, as that would finish oﬀ my week in style.

Tonight I think that I will listen to some Wagner overtures. This CD though has almost outlasted its usefulness, as I have listened to it a lot and almost know the songs by heart. When this happens- that is I learn them well- I put the CD away and do not listen to it at all, and I will always have it for future years to turn back to if I want to. Today is a beautiful day. I wore a T-shirt on my bike ride today, and I have not worn one much for a while. Today is quite warm. The roses have come out in the garden. Also, there are a lot of butterflies around, including one that looked like a monarch butterfly. I like seeing birds around too. I like all kinds of birds though the crows seem kind of ominous. I guess that I still like them. I seem to sleep better on the dosage that I am on now than on the lower amount.

This morning I had an entirely better morning than I have had in a while, as I did not get really tired and my eyes did not feel like closing. So, this was very encouraging. I am glad also that I like this Mozart CD that I got at Borders recently. I feel kind of like too loquacious, and I feel that I am thus kind of lazy on the reading front. I would feel better about talking if I knew that I had some substantial reading done. Anyway, tonight I guess that I will watch television. I am looking forward to printing out this journal in the future. I still have vivid and great dreams.

Yesterday I dusted oﬀ some of my Goethe books, Ovid’s Metamorphoses, stories by Salman Rushdie, stories by Bessie Head, the Bible that Mamaw and Popee gave me a long time ago, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, and Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island among others. Now is about time to quit writing. I am looking forward to probably going to Mamaw and Popee’s house on Saturday. I have had pretty good dinners lately. I feel kind of tired right now from mental exercise, and I guess that I will see the reader tomorrow. I wonder when my sister will come home. Now I am oﬀ though. I hope that the reader is well as always. Bye bye.

Sunday, June 10 2001

Hi. I have been thinking a lot today about returning to Trinity College.

Today I went for a bike ride though I was kind of slow doing this. Still, I managed to do three loops of the River Trail. I feel kind of tired right now. I have been thinking some about going to the UConn summer school though it is probably too late now for that. Last night I read for a total of about one hour and

nineteen minutes. I read for about a half hour after dinner and for about forty- nine minutes before bed.

I am still reading Pushkin. Reading literature is kind of boring for me, though, and I need a change of pace regarding subject matter. The deadline for UConn is around the middle of June. I do feel kind of tired right now. I did not write yesterday because I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house. Over there I hardly talked at all, but saw most of the women’s French Open final between Jennifer Capriati and Kim Clijsters. Capriati won in three sets. I watched the match with Popee, but he did not ask me any questions. I wonder why he did not. I wonder if I will ever publish these journals. I might or I might not. They could be my bread and butter. I mean that they could be a means of providing for myself.

I did have a good bike ride today. I still am admiring God, and the way that He helps me. He truly is benign and benevolent. I hope that He never deserts me and continues to be a wonderful God. I look up to Him and probably always will look up to Him. My bike is getting noisy in some gears that I use most, so I might need to get a new bike soon. If I do get a new bike, I would like to get a Giant. I took the Saab yesterday on the trip to and from Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I do like that car very much. I wonder if my mom would let me get a new bike. I certainly have a case for getting a new one, as I ride my bike nearly every day. I have not been able to jog because my right toe is still in bad shape for running, and I will have to wait until it is fully healed before I put stress on it.

Today is the men’s French Open final, which pits Gustavo Kuerten against Alex Corretja, and I am hoping that Guga will win the match. I am not sure what is happening in the NBA finals though I like tennis much more than basketball. I have been sleeping well lately. I saw a lot of television yesterday. Last night I watched most of Back to the Future II with Michael J. Fox, and I do like this movie very much. Of course, I had seen it before. I just watched way too much television yesterday, and I hope that I do not watch too much television today.

Today really is a beautiful day. The sun is out, and the sky is bright blue. It is warm, and on my bike ride I wore a short-sleeved shirt and, obviously, shorts. I wore my Amherst College T-shirt. I went to tennis camp there before. Their bookstore is pretty nice, and that is probably where I had gotten the T-shirt.

Right now I am wearing shorts and a green plaid button-down shirt. I still have on my Amherst College T-shirt, as I did not sweat as usual during a bike ride. I usually sweat a lot on jogs, though, as they use so much more of my energy.

Pushkin is going along pretty well. I am reading a story about a captain’s daughter, whose name is Maria, and the main character is in love with her and even wrote a poem about her. The main character has just as far as I have gotten been in a sword fight with the man who made fun of his poem. The man has stabbed him in the shoulder, and the main character has become unconscious.

The names of the characters are diﬃcult to remember, but maybe they would be easier to remember if I was a Russian reading the book. I remember one particular dream that I had lately. I came to in Bruce Angelo’s van.

I was set on thinking about Trinity College from a piece of mail that I received from them today. I saw the letter, and it was really nothing special because it came from the oﬃce of the registrar. The letter said that I would not graduate in the year 2002. Just getting a piece of mail from Trinity College made me yearn to return there. Therefore, thoughts of UConn came to my mind. I felt that if I went to UConn, then maybe I could in the fall go to Trinity College. I thought that UConn could be a test to see how I would do driving some place.

My sister left for Boston yesterday, and I think that she will have a job at J. Crew. I wonder how she likes the place that she is staying in at the sorority house.

It must be kind of wild over there with all those people living together. I wish that she could have had a better job than working at J. Crew. When he was urging me to get a job, I remember that I once told James Bozzuto that I thought of working in a clothes store. I wonder if he is going to try to get me to return to college when I go tomorrow. I do not want to take the Saab, though, for I do not trust it yet. I do not know what would happen or what I would do if it stopped in the middle of the highway. Maybe my mom can take the Saab to work tomorrow. I liked taking the Saab to Mamaw and Popee’s yesterday, and my mom drove. I do not really like watching too much television.

I am getting along pretty well in Pushkin, and I will be through with the book before I know it. I guess that Pushkin’s prose influenced Tolstoy. The match that I saw between Capriati and Clijsters was good. Clijsters won the first set six games to one, and I think that the last set was the longest final set in women’s French Open history. I feel kind of depressed right now because I might not have much time to myself today and tomorrow. I am about through with my journal entry now. I am hoping that today I will be able to read for about an hour. Well, I was able to get in this full entry today. I hope that I am not boring in my writing. The views on the River Trail today from my bike were really nice. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader is doing all right. I will probably write again on Tuesday, which the next free day I have. So, I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, June 12 2001

This morning I got a serious case of exhaustion due to medicine, and I was in bed for a long time trying to keep my eyes open. My body was telling me to lie down, but I fought to stay up. In the end I decided to pick up Pushkin, and I was then able to read for about an hour. I feel so glad that I was able to read today. I also rode my bike on the River Trail and saw Mrs. Simon. I rode three loops and then went a little down Broad Street. I do not know Mrs. Simon’s first name. She was one of my elementary school teachers, and she was my favorite elementary school teacher really. I had not seen her on the trail for a while, but she was here walking her dog today. She said that I looked good, and I replied “Thanks.” She called me Jon. She is quite old now. Although I had seen her before on the River Trail a lot, she has not come out lately, and I wonder why that is.

I read Pushkin today. The story that I am reading is called “The Captain’s Daughter,” and it is a long story. I should be nearing the end of the story now.

Reading literature is kind of boring, and I am interested in science though I do not know how well I would understand things in this field. I understood Feynman’s QED pretty well though. I wonder how I would do with those science books. I am also kind of interested in poetry though the diﬃculty of Shelley kind of turns me away from poems though Keats encourages me. I wonder if there is some kind of poetry textbook.

“The Captain’s Daughter” is about this man who wants to marry Maria, the captain’s daughter, who has been taken captive by this man, and he is forcing her to marry him. The good guy with Pugachev’s help takes back his fiancée.

Pugachev is a blackguard, as Pushkin says, but he likes the good guy. The captain and his wife were killed at the gallows by Pugachev’s orders. The main character does not really like Pugachev that much, but he likes how Pugachev got back Maria for him. The captain’s first name was Ivan. I forget his last name, but it might have been Kuzmich. I think that the last name for a Russian is called his patronymic.

Maria loves the main character, who finds himself in the middle of a battle.

Pugachev and his band have already taken over a town, and they are trying to take over more. The main character is not part of his band of brigands, but he is a military man who had been assigned to help the captain at his fort. He somehow maintains an amiable relationship with Pugachev, though, for I think that they had met amicably at an inn before the whole fiasco began. The main character now is afraid that Pugachev will lose his life through living on the edge so much, so to speak, but his main concern now is for Maria to be in a safe place. So, he thinks about sending her to his parent’s house though I do not think that his father wants him to marry Maria. I am getting along in Pushkin now, and I should finish the book pretty soon. I saw Mamaw and Popee on Saturday, like I wrote, and they also came over Sunday afternoon. I went to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday.

Sunday I was kind of in bad spirits because my grandparents were coming over. I had wanted to read Pushkin instead. So, I was kind of in bad spirits when they came. I hope that Mamaw did not read these feelings, but she might have. I did not say much of anything during their visit. I just was feeling depressed at not being able to read. Sunday night I read for about a half hour. Well, my grandparents did come over. I should maybe try to act more social next time even if I do not feel good about them coming over. Mamaw talked about some books that Popee had read in the realm of religion and about what he was going to do with these books.

The family had vanilla ice cream and an apple pastry-type thing. I took a walk with Popee and my mom to the center of the driveway and back. Mamaw talked about the rudeness of the woman whom she talked to about her broken stereo. Mamaw’s pretty new stereo, I guess, does not have any volume. It was

kind of strange that Mamaw did not talk about her family much. She asked me what I was doing, and I told her that I was writing in my journal. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday.

I was cranky all day. The worst came in the morning when after I had already gotten up, I lay in bed again for a while. I just felt too depressed to face the day. I read for about fifty minutes before my appointment yesterday. My dad drove me to and from the appointment. I did not say much to him. I have not listened to music in the past several days, and I hope that I will be able to break that trend tonight by listening to some Wagner overtures. Yesterday the Oklahoma bomber was executed. That was the talk of yesterday with many in the news media watching his execution. Last night I saw a small part of a pretty bad movie called Judge Dredd. Yesterday I also watched the news and “Law and Order.”

The pretty Jill something, who has a diﬀerent name on television, resigned last night. I think that Jill is pretty and that she is a good actor. In general “Law and Order” has good actors playing the lawyers and district attorneys. Anyway, I should not be talking so much about television. There is nothing much of interest on the news these days. Wimbledon starts at the end of the month. The NBA playoﬀs are going on between the Lakers and the 76ers. Today is a beautiful day.

I wore a nice blue Nautica sweatshirt on my bike ride today. There was a bunch of older women on the trail, and I saw a bunch of younger women ahead of them on the trail that branches oﬀ from the one that I take. My bike is still doing fine, and, although I would like to get a new bike, I guess that I can live with the Giant that I have now. On my bike ride today I noticed that in town there was some kind of event going on. There looked to be a lot of older people in town. I do not like Shakespeare’s portrayal of King Lear. I do not think that Shakespeare is fair to old people, as he portrays Lear as a despotic, bumbling idiot. Old people have a lot of courage. Well, some do. Shakespeare can be vulgar in his tales, as in one tale one’s eyes were poked out.

There usually is not much to watch in the afternoons, and I wonder why there is not much to watch then. I wonder if there will be anything decent to watch on this afternoon. I have not been to the Loomis Chaﬀee library in a while, and I like that library a lot. Obviously, I also miss Trinity College, even more so than Loomis Chaﬀee. I want to return to college, but my health is an Achilles heel for me. Maybe Lilly or Pfizer will come up with a cure for schizophrenia, as a cure is needed. There has to be a successor to Zyprexa and Seraquil.

I am really hoping that a cure will come. I also hope for cures for cancer and acquired immune deficiency syndrome. I wonder if they will come soon. I have always also hoped that people would not starve. In this way I guess that I am kind of a person for good hope. There are many terrible diseases out there, and I have caught one of them. I am goading on scientists to find a cure for these

diseases, as there has to be one out there. I am hoping that I will be able to do more academics than I have been, and I will attempt to step up the academics gradually.

I should be finished with Pushkin before I know it. I am going to write my conclusion now to a quite loquacious entry. I do not think that I will do any more academics today. I wish the reader well. I hope that I will be able to write some tomorrow. This week I should probably if all goes well be able to write regularly. Well, now I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader continues to stay active. Now I am going to rest some. Bye bye.

Wednesday, June 13 2001

There are two main things that happened today, and I know that I sound like a newscaster. I will go in chronological order. I got up permanently at about eleven-fifty today, so I got up nearly in the afternoon. I am furious about this.

This medicine has the capability of ruining my life. I cannot stand getting up so late. Moreover, for all the time that I was in bed, I did not sleep very well last night. I am guessing that that is because of the heat. Tonight I will probably put my fan on if it is going to be hot. I cannot stand getting up so late though. I have done that twice this week too. Yesterday I managed to stay awake, but I think that Monday I was in bed late depressed about my psychiatrist appointment that day. Yet somehow I was able to read for about fifty-five minutes. I finished the long story “The Captain’s Daughter.” The story ended well and could be called a short novel. Right now I am reading more of a historical work than fiction. Anyway, like I said I got up extremely late today, to my chagrin.

Today is really a beautiful day. I was able to ride my bike for about a half hour today, and I had a decent bike ride. I passed a woman who walks on the trail often as well as a woman whom I have seen working in the Windsor Public Library. I was able to ride three loops of the trail today. I also saw a man walking his dog. The man had a beard. I like riding on the River Trail. There usually are not many people on the trail, and this is a good sign for me. I like the bridge that crosses the marsh that I cross, and by the bridge today I saw a snake that I nearly ran over. I do not think of snakes as evil as the Bible makes them out to be. I kind of like snakes. The one that I saw was black and quite small, and the thing wriggled spastically when I rode by it.

Sometimes I see turtles and fish in the marsh, but I did not see any today. Like I mentioned before, I am kind of sick of my terrible mornings of getting up late. The exercise that I get in the afternoons kind of battles my terrible sleep habits that probably waste my body away or cause it to fatten up. On my way to and from my bike ride I saw a man cutting the lawn. This man looked motley and had a bald head though he looked young, so he must have shaved his hair oﬀ. I think that he wore some dark T-shirt.

Today is quite a sunny day. The day obviously is beautiful and not too hot.

For some reason in the night it seems hotter when I go to bed. Last night I listened to some Wagner overtures. Tonight I think that I will listen to Mozart’s symphonies No. 25, 26, 27, and 29. From this vantage point I can see the yard.

There is a nice tree outside my window, and I can see the front face of a miniature forest around the perimeter of the backyard. I am wearing a T-shirt, shorts, sandals, and a digital watch.

So, today I have finished “The Captain’s Daughter.” In the end the main character is set free by the empress, so he is free now to marry Maria Ivanovna, whom his parents have approved of. They like Maria very much and approve of the marriage. The main character had been in prison and was barely spared his life. He was to be sent to Siberia to work in penal servitude for the rest of his life, but a lucky happening changed all of that. Maria saw someone on a bench and began talking to her about her knowledge of the main character and about how he was not involved in Pugachev’s band of brigands as their soldier. The main character was convicted of being one of Pugachev’s main men, so to speak, but in reality he was not although Pugachev spared him his life and had Maria freed from Shvabrin’s marriage proposal. The main character was in no way responsible for the raids that Pugachev went on and for his taking of forts. The main character was always faithful to the empress and his fatherland.

When the main character’s military father heard of the charges against his son and of how he was deemed guilty, the man became enraged and ashamed at his son. Maria talked to this person on the bench and tried to clear her loved one’s name. She did so successfully, and she soon found herself summoned before the empress herself, who turned out to be the same lady whom she had talked to on the bench. The empress let the main character go, and then Maria Ivanovna and the main character were free to marry. So, the story ended happily though I am not sure whether the odds and ends were cleared up.

In other words, I am not sure whether Pushkin entirely finished the story though he would have had little to add to the fun tale of the main character and his military adventures. What I am reading now is a historical piece, and so far it is about these cossacks. They applied to be ruled under the powers that be, and they were granted this power. Yet later they mutinied because they did not receive their due wages. Although the cossacks under two men had attempted to loot this Persian city, the khan got home when they were looting, and he all but defeated the cossacks that were on this mission. The piece that I am reading now is interesting. The piece is pretty long, and it might just be factual. At least the piece seems factual with all of the geography in it and stuﬀ. Tonight I guess that I will watch some television.

I do not think that I will do any more academics today. I will, therefore, be through with academics after I finish this entry. Tomorrow I will have to bring some CDs back to the Windsor Library. I have not listened to these CDs very much. Yesterday I watched some television. There is nothing much on television

these days. I saw “Beverly Hills 90210” along with the news and “Law and Order.” There is nothing much on the news. I think that the Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, and game four of the NBA finals is on tonight. Hot weather looms ahead for the week.

I think that global warming is contributing to the flooding and drought that is hurting this nation. There is too much reliance on gas. I wish that some scientists could come up with alternate sources of energy that do not pollute the atmosphere. This smoke causes global warming. Life on earth certainly will not last too long if something is not done about pollution and about people who pollute. There needs to be electric cars and super solar power. I hope that the government regulates that powerful solar cells need to be used, and these cells could be used to deliver electricity to homes.

I wonder if summer school at Loomis Chaﬀee has begun yet. Maybe summer school has already started. There is no summer school at Trinity College because people are working on the new library. I wonder when my parents are going to get the car back from my sister in Boston. I guess that I will watch television and listen to music tonight. I wish that I had more CDs than I have. I am, however, building up a pretty good CD collection. Well, now I have got to go. I hope that I will get up earlier tomorrow, as then my whole day will probably get better. I wish that I could get up at nine o’ clock every day. That would leave me with a decent amount of time during the day to do stuﬀ. So, tonight I will probably not do any more academics. I hope that I am not being too lax though I do not think that I am at this point though. Anyway, what I mean to say is goodbye and that I wish the reader well. I am oﬀ to the wasteland of television for tonight though first I will take a short rest. Now I am really oﬀ. Bye bye.

Friday, June 15 2001

Today is quite hot. I did not write yesterday because I thought that it would be better to read. I did not want to write anything superfluous. Yesterday I read for about an hour and fifty minutes. I also brought back some CDs to the library. Actually, I brought them all back. This morning I felt extremely tired.

Right now I also feel extremely tired. I do not have any real thoughts or ideas. My hands feel like glue, and I have no energy. I want to write a full entry, but I do not think that I will be able to physically type a full entry. I feel pretty bad right now. I feel so tired. I cannot write any more. Maybe I will be able to finish up this entry later. Bye bye.

Well, I am back. I have had lunch, and now I feel less tired. The mornings are intolerable on this dosage, and maybe I can go back down to ten milligrams. I feel so tired on the dosage that I am on now. Today is extremely hot. I cannot exercise because my right toe still needs to heal, and I hope that it does. The mornings are really terrible with this medicine, and I do not feel healthy in the

morning until about noon. I feel tired now. In the morning I am like a zombie. I just lie down and try to keep my eyes open. Like I said, today is extremely hot and humid, and I will bet that it is about ninety degrees out right now.

I think that tomorrow I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am almost through with the Pushkin book. I just felt so tired this morning, and I cannot live like this. This medicine is terrible, and I am on way too much of it. Yesterday I did go for a bike ride and my toe hurt- though not too much- throughout the ride. I still feel extremely tired. I cannot do much on this dosage, and it seems nearly impossible to step up my academics when my mornings are so horrible. I count on mornings to read, but I cannot read when I am so tired. Maybe I should go back to ten milligrams though I do not know if that would work. All I know is that I am far too tired in the mornings.

I am still tired, and it is already the afternoon. So, I have a short time during the day when I feel healthy. This is when the medicine is wearing oﬀ and I can actually do things. Today I must admit is a beautiful day. I feel awfully depressed. I feel that something must be done about this medicine. Zyprexa really messes me up. I might as well be asleep in the morning, when I cannot do anything. I might as well just wake up at noon, and if I wanted to, I could. I do not want to do this though.

God hopefully will be there for me. His grace is wonderful. Only He can give me motivation. I owe Him a lot for everything that He has given me. I hope that I will always please Him and do the right thing for Him. The day is really hot. When I went outside briefly today, I noticed how hot it was. Today is a Friday, which means that my mom’s work week is at an end. For lunch today I had a turkey sandwich, orange juice, and a banana. I did not have my usual peanut butter and jelly. I am looking forward to finishing Pushkin soon. Pushkin is writing about the history of the rebel Pugachev right now, and I guess that the piece is factual. The piece is pretty long too, and it is well written though it can get kind of boring at times. Nothing is happening in the news. I think that Connecticut might be in the middle of a heatwave. I feel so tired right now. I am going to miss biking today. I miss it when I do not bike.

I wonder when my toe is going to heal, and I hope that it heals some soon and does not get worse. My dad is out right now. I feel depressed. I just cannot stand mornings like the ones that I have been having. Maybe taking ten milligrams will help. I cannot imagine ever being on twenty milligrams. That must be impossible for some people. I hope that I will be able to get in a full entry today. I will probably not write tomorrow because I will probably be at Mamaw and Popee’s house; I wonder if I will be able to play ping-pong with Popee tomorrow. Last time that I was over I think that I watched the French Open with him. I do not know if I will be able to write a full entry today. Two nights ago I listened to some Mozart, and I do like Mozart. I cannot help thinking that maybe this tiredness could have been prevented by me. Maybe it is totally my fault that I am on such a high dosage of medicine. I would bet that

one could fry an egg on my concrete porch. If I went on a bike ride today, my toe would hurt, and I would probably pass out because of the heat.

I do not know what to write about now because so much is going wrong for me. I guess that I could write about Pushkin. His history of Pugachev is pretty good, and I wonder where he got his sources. The piece probably sounds boring, but it really is not. Pugachev was illiterate. He and his cossacks got drunk sometimes. I feel so extremely tired, and I am barely alive right now. Pugachev’s destiny was to die or to be taken prisoner- I cannot remember which. The reader can probably tell from my writing how tired I am. I feel awful in any case though I still manage to have good dreams. My eyes are barely awake and would seem strange to the normal person. I feel awful.

I do not feel хорошо or здоро�™о, which are Russian words for good and terrific. At least I think that здоро�™о is terrific, and I am sure that хорошо means good. I took a year of intensive, as they say, Russian at Trinity College, and I got good grades in the class too. I do not think that I will ever get suicidal. The only way for that to happen is for me to take a lot of medicine or to have many negative events happen to me. I am about through with this entry now. I will try to keep up a decent journal as I have been. I think that my journal is pretty good. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Saturday, June 16 2001

Today has been absolutely crazy. I was exhausted this morning, and I was in bed till eleven-thirty probably. That is crazy, and I am planning on taking ten milligrams tonight. There may be no solution to the problem. I just cannot live on the present dosage. Today is hot. I feel terrible after my terrible morning. I Surely I am not a morning person. That was a joke. I feel awful right now.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I have a headache. I have not been exercising the past couple days because of my right toe. Yesterday I did some sit ups and pushups for about five minutes though. I feel awful right now, and I do not know if I will be able to finish this entry. I am almost finished with the Pushkin book, and I read for about an hour today.

I have been thinking about going to the Windsor Library today. I cannot live on the present dosage of Zyprexa, and I need to go back to ten milligrams and just hope that all will be well. So, tonight I should take ten milligrams. I am beginning to hate schizophrenia. The medicine out now is terrible. In bed this morning I just lay there hoping to get up sometime in the future. I do not have many good thoughts during the time lying there. I am practically asleep.

Another bad thing about this medicine is that I cannot sleep well on it either. It takes a pretty long time to get to sleep, and in the morning I seem to wake up every half hour. The mornings are awful sometimes, like this morning when I would keep getting up. I wish that I was not on this medicine. In Pushkin Pugachev is about routed. He was a brigand, who did really well in subduing

Russia for a while. I wonder what will happen to Pugachev in the very end of the piece. There are tons of Russian names of people and of locations in the piece.

My life has really been torn open by this dosage, and I do not have much of a life on it. I am immobile in bed longer than I am awake. My mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s today. My toe seems to be getting better. Today it is darker. I still feel tired.

I feel awfully tired, and the feeling is awful. It is not хорошо. No, not terrific either. I would hate for anyone to go through what I have to go through on this medicine. My head feels like mush. I do not know how long I will last today writing. Today is extremely hot. I feel kind of sick right now, and that would be all I need to get sick on this medicine. I think that it would be neat if a silent air conditioner would be invented. I have still been having some good dreams. I do not like this really hot weather. Last night I watched a lot of television. I did not listen to music because I did not want to put on the fan that I would need to listen to music. I used the fan to read, and I am using it now during my writing.

I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow though I do not know if I will be able to go. I do not know how the lesser dosage will play with me. I might been in a no-win situation with this Zyprexa. So, I have not gone to UConn summer school. Trinity College will start soon enough. I only wish that I could go to Trinity. I cannot do much on this medicine. I wish that I could play tennis again. I wish that I could run again, but to no avail. I cannot do these things well or for long. I probably seem depressed right now, and maybe I am. Physically, this medicine is horrible to my body. The medicine probably kills more brain cells than I can imagine, and it ruins any good sleep habits.

I was going to listen to Mozart last night, but because of the heat I watched some basketball instead. There is no easy answer to schizophrenia. There really is no easy answer. I wonder how my grandparents are doing. I feel kind of tired right now. I will probably visit my grandparents tomorrow. I need some clothes washed. Right now I am not wearing a very stylish outfit because I do not have enough clothes washed though I do what I can with what I can. I have a headache right now.

I am almost through with Pushkin. I wonder what is on television today. I hope that my right toe does all right in healing. I guess that I can look forward to taking ten milligrams tonight, and maybe from now on I will be able to take ten milligrams. I wish that there was a cure for schizophrenia, but unfortunately there is no cure for it. I wonder how Agassi, Davenport, Seles, and Capriati will do in their upcoming tournaments. Wimbledon is coming up, and right now there is a big golf championship on. I was just thinking that maybe I could take ten milligrams of Zyprexa at night and five milligrams in the morning though I doubt if that would help much. I think that I should just take ten milligrams tonight and none in the morning.

Maybe I will do well on ten milligrams. The psychiatrist would probably want to hear of my change, but this is my life. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday at one o ‘clock. So, whichever way I choose tonight I will probably take ten milligrams. Then I just have to decide whether I want to take five milligrams in the morning. I think that Popee’s medicine for Parkinson’s kind of puts him to sleep too though I do not know if he has the disease. He was diagnosed with the disease after he fell and broke his shoulder. I feel bad that he has to take medicine like I do.

I heard that Pushkin died in a duel in 1837, and he was born in 1799. I feel tired right now still. Today is a beautiful day, only I wish that it were not so hot. Pushkin certainly was a talented writer. I wonder if I am a talented writer. I have certainly written a lot in these past about five and one half years. I also have written a lot of stuﬀ not fit to be published, and this was when my morals were way below my standards. I have had high morals almost all of my life, but when I went far downhill, I just happened to take these experiences down in writing. So, my writing attests to my bad days, yet for the most part I have lived my entire life by high standards. I just put my very low moments on record for posterity, which might not have been the right thing to do.

After this entry I think that I will be through with academics for the whole rest of the day. I still have my obsessions, and they kept me up last night for an hour. My obsessions are annoying, to say the least. I miss riding my bike, and I miss mornings when I was at least awake. Of late I wake up almost in the afternoon. Well, maybe things will change if I go on ten milligrams. I am afraid that I am going to watch too much television today. I do not know how my music is going to fare this summer. Well, now is the time to end this entry. I am glad that I have written. I will probably not write tomorrow. I wish the reader well.

My obsessions are really coming on now, and I am glad that I am almost through with the entry. Today is really hot, and I hope that it can cool down some if possible. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that ten milligrams will be all right; otherwise, I do not know what is in store for me. I have got to go now. I hope that the reader continues reading this journal. Bye bye.

Monday, June 18 2001

Well, the past two mornings have been better than expected, and I am still on the same dosage as before. Yesterday I think that I woke up at about ten- thirty, and I was able to stay up too. I was also able to stay up after I awoke this morning. So, things seem to be looking up a bit. I am kind of rusty though as far as riding my bike is concerned, and I rode my bike today even though my toe has not healed completely yet. My toe did not bother me on the ride though I was worried about it.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house for Father’s Day. I remember that Mamaw said that Popee did not need to get drunk because he

was drunk all the time. I guess that she was referring to the medicine that he takes. I feel drunk all the time too. For example, on my bike ride I could barely move the pedals. I would not be categorized as drunk, but I would be categorized as having a lot to drink. I certainly do not have a problem with alcohol. Well, I should not joke about these things.

I finished Pushkin on Saturday night, and I read Volume 1 of Virginia Woolf ’s diaries yesterday and today. Yesterday I read for about a half hour before going to Mamaw and Popee’s and for about a half hour at night after having visited them. I read pretty late last night. I visited Mamaw and Popee in the afternoon, and I was home for dinner. Today I read for about an hour, and I exercised for about a half hour even with this toe. For part of my reading today, the diary was extremely boring. Virginia Woolf had become mad and was recovering from her madness when she was writing these boring, extremely short entries. I am almost through with these short entries though as she starts up again her normal entries once she feels better. My bike ride was diﬃcult.

Like I mentioned, I was rusty though I hope that I will be able to continue riding my bike regularly. This medicine really slows me down, and I should not have to put so much eﬀort into pedaling a bike. Today I rode about two and one half loops of the River Trail, and there were a lot of birds on the trail on this beautiful day.

I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Last night for a change I got a good night’s sleep. I played two games of ping-pong with Popee yesterday, and he played fine. My mom got the ping-pong balls for Popee, thus she was the ball girl. I wonder if someday I could go to college. I would like to be a boarder at any college out there though I do not know if this wish could ever come true. I have had some tough nights lately, for sometimes lately I have found it hard to get to sleep. I seem to have too much energy at night from the medicine.

Tomorrow I have a psychiatrist appointment, which I am not looking forward to. I have this obsession about the books that I have recently purchased. I am obsessed that I should not read the diary of Virginia Woolf because there was a very small tear on the binding. Also, I am obsessed that I should not read the book Night and Day by the same author because the book starts on page three, and I am kind of superstitious of this number.

I will try to forge ahead with the diary of Virginia Woolf, though, and maybe I can get through it. I really do not want to go to the psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. By the way, my sister got home yesterday, and she left today. My sister got home to bring the red stationwagon back, and her friend brought her back to Boston today. I do not want to go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. I am overwhelmingly glad that I went on a bike ride today, for now I feel really good after the ride even though I was so slow today. I am not looking forward to talking a lot tomorrow. I kind of wish that my psychiatrist was someone like Virginia Woolf or Alexander Pushkin. They probably would have a lot of knowledge to give me. Popee did some walking on their porch, which is

much bigger than my porch. I think that he did ten lengths of it. There was a cat called Sophie in on the porch at Mamaw and Popee’s house, and she likes to be pet. I saw a fine movie last night called Mrs. Doubtfire starring Robin Williams.

The movie was really a nice one. Tonight I will watch some television, and I do not think that I will do any more academics after I finish this entry.

The Pushkin story ended with Pugachev getting his head and limbs chopped oﬀ, and there was no way that Pugachev would be spared. I am reading the diary of Virginia Woolf now, and I learned recently that her maiden name was Virginia Stephen. I feel kind of tired right now. I have read four out of the five volumes of the Diary of Virginia Woolf, just not this first volume. Virginia talks a lot about her husband, who I guess is also a writer. Currently, she is writing in 1917. This was after her, I think, long bout of madness, during which no one knew if she would improve, much less be able to write again. She had been writing some time in 1915, when her madness set in, and she started writing really short entries in 1917. Soon, these short entries will transform into her normal entries, and I will be relieved to see this.

Virginia is really a quite social person and is quite my opposite in this respect. She likes reading and writing, though, and I am alike her in this respect. She mentioned reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky, and I wonder if she finished that book. I liked that book very much. Dostoevsky was a great writer. I wonder what went wrong with Virginia Woolf, when she got mad, and I wonder if she had any hallucinations like I did. She got better in the course of nature, though, and I think that I heard that phrase on television recently. Anyway, she liked taking walks and going to the library. She liked company, and she liked to talk about people. The fashionable ladies of the time whom she saw in the library she regarded with scorn as dull. There were airplanes in her time. She had not yet bought the press though she thought about doing so.

They were looking around at diﬀerent houses too. I think that they would eventually get a house in Mecklenburgh Square or something like that. Then they would have a home at Rodmell too to vacation at. Virginia Woolf has not had as much success yet as she would in the future. She was smart at the time that I am reading at right now though she seemed young and even a bit snobby at times. I think that she had a housekeeper, and I guess that this woman was kind of eccentric.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is out, and it is not too hot. At night now I need a fan to keep me cool. On the trail today I saw a lady whom I often see more than any other it seems at least lately. My favorite part of the River Trail is the bridge over the marsh. I wonder what I have been dreaming lately. My dreams are just as much a part of my life as my waking hours. Last night I slept surprisingly well, and I did not get up too much in the morning. My sister has a job in Boston working at a restaurant. I remember the word restaurant as being a word on my spelling list in elementary school.

I guess that my sister will be there for the summer. I wonder how my sister likes working in Boston at that place she is at. I wonder how she likes the place. I think that she is staying at some kind of sorority house, and I hope that she does not drink or do drugs there. Anyway, I feel glad to be writing this now, but I am fearful about going to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Yesterday at Mamaw and Popee’s, it is kind of disappointing that I did not get to talk much to Popee, yet I did play ping-pong with him. Mamaw came up with the good idea of playing ping-pong. I think that Popee has a physical therapist though I am not sure if he does.

My room is nice though the desk needs some dusting as well as this computer. I have got to conclude this entry now. I hope that I will have a good night tonight, a day before my psychiatrist appointment. I am probably through with academics today after this entry. I wish the reader well, and I wonder what the reader’s circumstances are and what he or she will do tonight. I hope that I will be lucky enough to continue reading and writing in the future. I think that keeping active is a good idea for me. I will probably see the reader on Wednesday when I will probably write. I am oﬀ now though for now. Bye bye.

Wednesday, June 20 2001

Well, I went to my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. Today I read for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. I need some new T-shirts. Pretty much the only good T-shirts that I have are ruined with holes in them, so I really need some new ones. I do not, however, need shorts. So, I went to my appointment yesterday, and I talked mostly about Virginia Woolf. God has seen me through rough times, and His grace helped me through yesterday. I owe Him big time for helping me in tough situations. He always seems to be there for me as long as I try at things.

I owe Him a lot for his kindness when I try. I hope that He will always be there for me and that I always look up to Him. Today during my reading, Virginia mentions some of the books that she is reading, and she was reading some of Dante at one point. I feel kind of tired right now. When I was reading today, the time went by so slowly. The about hour seemed to be about two hours. I dreamt last night that I was in a terrible Loomis Chaﬀee locker room with my old friend Amilca Gomes, who has since moved away because his father got a new job.

I took my attractive Powell Peralta McGill skateboard and, thankfully, with Amilca I left the terrible locker room behind. I noticed that in the breezeway my wheels were not on straight. Outside in the fields it was raining, and I had trouble putting on my wheels correctly. I was discouraged at this, and probably Amilca had his wheels on fine. I had trouble putting my wheels on because there were not just simple trucks on my skateboard, but there was some plug-in thing like an electronic gadget or something. The trucks were black, and I had to plug

a lot of things in and was not adept at this. It increased my frustration that it was raining out too.

I did have a good bike ride in reality. I do not think that I dream much about biking though I do not know why not. I passed this mean-looking man with his shirt oﬀ. “Get oﬀ of my trail,” he said to either me or to whom he was with. There was a small kid with a terrible skateboard with big black wheels and a girl on rollerblades. There was also another man who looked kind of mean as well. He had sandals on and was wearing socks under them. This is a fashion no-no. Then I saw a group of young kids with one kid whom I have seen all over town before. I heard one say the f-word, and then I heard some voice say that all he does every night is drink. I decided to go part of the way on the sidewalks for reasons the reader can guess, and I passed Bart’s and rode along some tobacco fields, where I saw a bus of workers.

On my way home there was a train that passed by, and I had to slow down while it passed. The horn was awfully loud. Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist, and he scheduled an appointment for Monday. He asked me when Virginia Woolf wrote if she was pulling strongly for women’s rights, why I liked her, how old she was when she was writing the present diary that I am reading, if women went much to college then, and other things probably too. He also asked me how I was better on this dosage, if I could do more on this dosage, if I took all the medicine at once at night, and whether I have been able to get out. These questions about the medicine were asked during about the first five minutes after which nothing was mentioned of them.

At least I do not think much more was mentioned of them. I kind of want to go to the Westfarms Mall. I need some T-shirts. The good T-shirts that I have are not good anymore because they have been ripped to shreds, and almost every shirt that I have has a hole in it. So, I surely need some new T-shirts. Last night I listened to some Mozart quintets, and I think that I listened to his first four quintets. I guess that the first quintet that he wrote was when he was a teenager. I do not like T-shirts with college logos on them because they are snobbish.

There is a personification of a T-shirt if there ever was one. This Bart’s place in town is pretty popular. Today one of their meals was clams, but I cannot remember what the other dish on their sign was. Outside they have some picnic tables that I see people eating on. As far as my eating, this week I have had to eat meat almost every day. I have had chicken, pork, beef, and a hamburger. Tonight I think that I am going to have some shrimp, which is better because it is a seafood. I would not be able to eat meat tonight. Right now I feel awfully tired and kind of depressed.

Virginia Woolf felt depressed sometimes. I cannot imagine how long she talks, and it is crazy really that she can talk for hours on end. The longest that I talk is for about a half hour at the psychiatrist’s once in a while. On the days that I do not see the psychiatrist, I hardly talk at all except for simple yeses and noes. This week has gone by really fast. Doing academics really tires me out, and I

really do not do that much of it. I am hoping that I will be able to read longer tomorrow than I did today and to write for about the same amount. This increase in academics on the whole seems needed. I really need some new T- shirts for my bike rides and for wearing around the house. I feel awfully tired right now, and I do not know what is causing me to feel this way. I seem to get tired pretty easily; then again being tired is natural sometimes.

I do not think that I will do any more academics tonight after I finish this entry though I will probably watch a lot of television. I am about through with my entry now, and I am now going to rest and then have dinner. I have been watching television as usual these days. I really liked that Mozart CD that I listened to last night. I am looking forward to probably going to Mamaw and Popee’s on Saturday. I wonder how Carol, Ann, Jane, and Sarah are doing, and I especially wonder how Sarah is doing with her kid son. Anyway, I am oﬀ now, but I wish the reader good tidings and a fond farewell. Bye bye.

Friday, June 22 2001

Today has been a success so far. I hope that it rains now so that no construction vehicles can interrupt my journal writing. Today I read Virginia Woolf ’s diary for about an hour, and I hope that reading her diary will not ruin my journal. I read for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. It was a boon that I actually slept well last night. Today I have been thinking a lot about publishing my journal for the last year. I was thinking of loaning the journal to a former teacher from Loomis or Trinity. The stuﬀ before then is too coarse to be published, as I put some not too kosher contents in the stuﬀ before. Some entries from there would be all right to publish, but others would not.

There were a lot of people on the River Trail today. I saw a woman whom I often see. I passed a man who was pushing a stroller, and a small kid was in front of him riding his bike. I passed a man mowing on a mowing machine in the River Trail parking lot. I passed an older-looking woman, who was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts. So, I passed a lot of people. I am glad that I have been able to do academics today, as I found it quite hard to read this morning because of what one might call reader’s block, which is similar in a fashion to writer’s block. I guess that I should mention what the book that I am reading is about.

In the book, Virginia Woolf talks about all of her friends. She talks about Clive, Ka, Maynard Keynes, Thomas Hardy, Katherine Mansfield, Nessa (her sister), Philip, Saxon, Barbara, and Alix among others. She has a constellation of friends, and a review calls them her satellites. Woolf talks about them all the time. She has a shrewd social sense. The only thing that I do not like about her is how she writes so much to her friends for hours on end, as if loquacity was some great boon. She has not mentioned much about her writings, yet in later volumes it seems that her books are all indeed that she does talk about. Right

now, however, she talks more about her husband’s writings for magazines. Virginia likes going to the library and shopping. I think that she has servants. I guess that they were more common in the 1910s, when she was writing in in this volume. I am reading Volume 1 of her diary.

Virginia and I have good taste in literature. I think that Nessa said that at that time there were no artists worth mentioning in England. Nessa is an artist and is Virginia Woolf ’s sister. The only thing unlike me in Virginia Woolf ’s reading habits is that she cannot seem to stick to a book and read it through, for she seems to be always mentioning the diﬀerent books that she is reading. I think that at that time there was a war going on. There are air-raid sirens that go on at night sometimes, and Virginia takes them very well and does not get all angry as I would. I will bet that Virginia got up earlier than I do. I think that today I got up at about ten-thirty. I would have liked to have gotten up at around nine. I did get a good night’s sleep last night. Virginia mentions the weather a lot, as I do. Her birthday is six days after mine, by the way, on January 25. I am reading her journal at the time when she is thirty-five years old.

Today I did have a decent bike ride. I rode three loops easily, and then I went a short ways down Broad Street. My bike is still doing all right, but the main gear that I have been using is kind of stripped. So, I had to turn to another gear to use for my bike rides. This gear is almost the same as the stripped gear, as it is only one gear oﬀ. I miss the beach and the waves. At thirty-five, Virginia Woolf was not too well known. She was, however, bound to be well known in the future and, especially, posthumously. I wonder how old she was when she drowned herself. I think that she was around fifty when that happened.

Virginia Woolf at thirty-five did not really have one friend whom she was closer to than the others though, of course, she had Nessa to talk to. She mentions Nessa a lot in her very early diary. I have read the diary in a book called A Passionate Apprentice: The Early Journals put out by Harcourt Brace Jovanovich. If I ever do get my journal published, I might want that publisher to publish it. In the book that I am reading now, Virginia writes that some foods are hard to obtain and expensive because of the war, and she mentions how it was almost impossible to get a lot of chocolate and meat.

They were almost rationed oﬀ a slim piece of meat every week. I think that it would be fun to live in a big and clean house, a larger version of this room. I am still not sure who Barbara is though she might be Virginia’s servant. Barbara wants to marry Nick though Virginia does not approve. There seems to be a lot going on in London at the time. Virginia likes occasionally going to listen to music. Talking of music, last night I listened to Mozart’s Twenty-Fifth, Twenty- Sixth, Twenty-Seventh, and Twenty-Ninth symphonies, and I read the little booklet that came with the CD. I like the Twenty-Seventh Symphony the worst though I still like it. I would say that my favorite symphony on that CD would be the Twenty-Fifth Symphony.

I guess that I should talk some about my bike ride today. I felt physically good during it though still extremely slow as usual, yet I went faster than usual. The River Trail is a very nice trail to go on. Some little kids whom I see on the River Trail tend to ride right towards me on their bikes as if trying to hit me, and they seem to pay little attention to me. As far as paying little attention to me, this is natural since they are so young. I duly take notice of them, and I slow down and go way around them to avoid any danger.

Today is a beautiful day, and it is not too hot so that I can wear my long pants and a long-sleeved button-down. I think that tomorrow I am going to go to Mamaw and Popee’s house. I hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight.

Today’s bike ride was a success though. On my bike ride yesterday, I passed by some middle-school or high-school kids, one of whom was dressed bad in three- quarter length jeans ripped oﬀ at the bottom. Yesterday was a day without too much productivity because I had slept really badly the night before.

Yesterday I printed some of my journal, went to the Windsor Library to browse at the new books, rode my bike for about a half hour, and read Virginia Woolf ’s diary for about a half hour. I was not up for doing any more stuﬀ yesterday because I felt tired. The night before I had slept badly. I did not write in my journal yesterday because I had not slept well the night before. So, this week I have kind of fallen short on my journal. I have a psychiatrist appointment for this Monday, but I am probably not going to go to it because the psychiatrist made it for less than a week after my last appointment.

I saw a snake in my garden today, and I heard it slither when I was on the small porch. The snake was black, and who knows if it was poisonous. Today is the last day of the week. I wonder, by the way, if I will ever return to Trinity College. Today I was thinking about bringing my journal to Mr. Eaton or Mrs.

Thomas, two of my former teachers. I was friends with both of them. Well, I am about through with my journal for today. I wonder how my sister is doing in Boston. I am probably through with academics for today, as any more would be superfluous.

I wish the reader well. Maybe something good will eventually come from my writing in this journal. If I do publish it, maybe I should wait another year though that might be too long. Anyway, I am glad that I have written today. I feel some relief also because my academics are about done for today. I guess that tonight I will probably watch a lot of television. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order.” I will probably see the reader on Sunday. I have a scheduled appointment for Monday, but I have got to put that oﬀ. I am looking forward to seeing my grandparents tomorrow. I am oﬀ, fair reader. Bye bye.

Sunday, June 24 2001

Greetings. Today has been a fine day though I feel kind of tired right now. Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house, and I played three games of ping-

pong with Popee. My mom got the ping-pong balls on his side. Today I read for about an hour and rode my bike for about a half hour. On the trail there was only someone mowing. I find it hard to read in the morning, as at that time I am extremely tired. My bike ride today was fun, and I rode three loops. Yesterday I saw a lot of television, and I saw more than I would have liked yet it was not too bad.

My parents are not home right now, and, as far as I understand, they are out to look for strawberries. I feel especially tired in the mornings, and today I got up at around ten-thirty. Yesterday I was in bed and feeling extremely tired for nearly the entire morning, yet I was sitting upright after I got up until I fell back in bed for about ten more minutes. I am interested in that new movie that has come out called Artificial Intelligence, which looks like a futuristic movie though it might be a bomb.

I need some new CDs. Yesterday I read for about a half hour after dinner. I am still reading Virginia Woolf ’s diary. She calls it a diary, while I call mine a journal. I like the word journal more than the word diary. Today is a beautiful day, which was good for riding my bike. I wore my blue Nautica sweatshirt and my black Adidas soccer shorts. The sweatshirt is not really for exercising, though, but it is kind of fancy and expensive and is meant for wearing to school. I feel awfully tired right now.

I still have a lot of dreams though some are a secret. I guess that I should mention something about the book that I am reading. Virginia Woolf is interested in the printing press and in printing stories. As far as I can tell, back then printing on one’s own was a tedious chore though she seemed to like doing it. In her later diaries she seems to have a bigger press and prints all manner of things. I am not interested in having a press though I am interested in seeing how one works. I wonder how the big publishing houses (like Penguin) work, and how books are put together. I heard the chirping of birds a lot today on the River Trail. Unfortunately, I also heard these annoying gunshots in the distance from people hunting. Those gunshots sound so annoying. I wonder where all the people are today, for they are not on the River Trail though the day is fine.

Yesterday I watched a lot of “All in the Family” at Mamaw and Popee’s house. The main character in that show died very recently, and the channel was doing a tribute to him. The shows were extremely old, but they were kind of funny though somewhat oﬀensive. I think that Wimbledon starts tomorrow, and I wonder how Jennifer Capriati will do in this tennis tournament. I wonder when I will be able to jog again. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a psychiatrist appointment, but I will probably not go to it. I do not want to go to it because it was too soon after my last appointment on Tuesday. I wish that my appointment would be on Tuesday, for I could go to that one. I just do not think that I can go to the appointment tomorrow though I am not sure what excuse I am going to use. I guess that I could always say that I am not feeling very well, as this was the excuse the last time that I skipped.

The book that I am reading details Virginia Woolf ’s social life, and she has tons of friends, like I told James Bozzuto. Indeed, she seems to have a neverending list of friends. Yesterday I was at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I had a piece of pie and an ice cream treat over there. I was afraid for Popee when he was climbing down the stairs, for he is not too light on his feet. He played ping-pong well, though, and the games were close. My mom got the ping-pong balls on Popee’s side. The games were fun, though, and were my only source of exercise for the day.

Mamaw and Popee seemed to be in pretty good spirits, and my parents went with me. I wonder if this journal will ever be published. I find that recently my bike rides seem to be over and done with in no time. As soon as I start, I seem to be already finished. I remember going on those long one-hour bike rides, and those did not seem to go by too quickly. I saw two cardinals today on the trail.

My spelling has really gone down ever since I have been out of school. I cannot spell many words, it seems, though the words that I know how to spell I write in this journal for sure.

Mamaw and Popee’s house is very neat and clean. Virginia Woolf did not have a computer, and I am not even sure if she had a bike. To get exercise, she would go on walks though she does not mention walks regularly in her diary.

She also probably did not have a television since I do not think that they existed in the teens of the twentieth century. So, she had to write her diary entries by hand. I guess that she used a common symbol for and (&) to save time, as the symbol remains in the book. I wonder why the book out to the public does not have just and.

Today is a beautiful day. I did see what seemed like a father and son fishing in the pond by the River Trail. The pond is quite small and has a mosquito statue in it. I am starting to get quite tired actually, as the about hour is now dragging along quite slowly. I find that reading and writing go by much slower than riding my bike. I remember Thomas Hill asking me many questions, such as if time seemed to go by faster or whether I was anxious in tons of diﬀerent situations, like waiting in line.

Thomas Hill is the opposite of James Bozzuto in his approach. Thomas Hill would ask me all about my illness and demand that I go to a day-treatment program. He would not even leave me a choice about it, but he said that I had to go to the Institute of Living. He also told me that if I wanted to return to college, I would have to practice driving because I could not just go outright to college in the car. Yet in a way I do not want psychiatrists to determine what I can or cannot do. I do not want to be a patient, but want to be my own person.

Right now I feel very tired. Tonight I guess that I will watch a lot of television. After I write this entry, I will probably be done with academics for the night. Therefore, I will probably watch a lot of television tonight. Well, I am about through with this entry now. I wish the reader well, and I hope that he or she keeps reading this journal. I do not see me giving up on this journal in the

future. Maybe college is in my future too if a new medicine comes out. So stay with me in this journal, as good things might be ahead though now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Tuesday, June 26 2001

Today had an ominous start, as I was in bed trying to keep my eyes open for I think more than an hour. I was swooning in bed. My body kept telling me to lie down, but I fought that urge though the feeling is terrible. I felt so helpless while in the grip of that medicine-induced exhaustion, yet somehow I was able to read today. When I began reading, I did not know how long I was going to last. This morning I was nearly paralyzed with exhaustion. I could not move, but just tried to keep sitting up against the wall and to keep my eyes open. The medicine is strong stuﬀ, and this morning I felt particularly paralyzed. I could not sit straight up, and I had to put my back against the wall by my bed. I just sat there for a long time trying to stay up and to not fall back into bed. I was barely able to do so though.

God has helped me through today with His grace. He has paved the way for me. I hope that I always look up to Him. I hope that He does continue to help me. I owe Him for His care. This morning I was so tired that I had to put a huge eﬀort to stay sitting up. The feeling of having my body paralyzed so is awful. Then around noon the tiredness disappears somewhat. Today I was able to read Virginia Woolf ’s diary for about an hour, and I had to put a lot of eﬀort into reading the book. I was still kind of tired and depressed about being in bed for so long trying to keep awake. I also rode my bike for about twenty-seven minutes. To cover yesterday, I have a lot to mention in this journal entry. Today on my bike ride I saw some kids in the middle of the river, and I have seen one of the kids today before at various times on the trail and around Windsor. They were in a dry spot in the middle of the river looking at the ground, and maybe they miss the beach.

Today I rode past the tobacco fields on the usual route when I do not go on the River Trail. I passed some old ladies on the River Trail, and one of them got out of my way at the last minute. Last night I listened to some Mozart quintets.

Anyway, today at the end of my ride I saw a man mowing the lawn. I guess that he works on the grounds crew, which is able to be a respectable position. I dreamt last night that I was the Antichrist and that Chris Merrill and Jesse Brown were trying to take this title from me and put it on themselves. I dreamt that there were two Antichrists, one which was the worst type possible and which got the worst punishment and least benefit. The other was the highest and did not suﬀer. I was the highest, and they were both, along with some other people, the lowest and suﬀering terribly below.

I did not want to be either Antichrist, though, for both were evil. I did not think that I was even close to evil. So, I voluntarily relinquished my position, but

then found myself the worst Antichrist. I wandered around and tried to get Chris Merrill down from his new position as the highest Antichrist. I knew that that would be nearly impossible. I nearly did get him down, when I froze him in place, but a small piece of him survived the liquid nitrogen or whatever that I froze him with. That was my dream, as is characteristic of my dreams. My dreams are pretty vivid.

The psychiatrist asked tons of questions in the about twenty-five minutes that I was there encompassing nearly every aspect of my life. He asked about my sister, my dad, the book that I am reading, my toe, how I felt, and my exercising. I said that I was feeling good. I asked him if he played golf, and he said that he has not touched a club in years. Anyway, yesterday I did drive on my own to the psychiatrist’s. Yesterday Wimbledon started, and Martina Hingis lost in the first round. Jennifer Capriati won her first-round match. Yesterday I read for about fifty-seven minutes, and I rode for about twenty-five minutes probably the worst bike ride that I have had in a long time. I found myself riding down Broad Street with tons of cars at rush hour, and they kept whizzing by and annoying me.

These distractions all caused me quite a disturbance and contributed to the worst bike ride in modern history of me though today my bike ride was better. I am getting along pretty well in the Virginia Woolf book. I hope that I am not getting into it too much. I will probably finish the Virginia Woolf book pretty soon.

When I do finish the book, I will have had enough of Virginia Woolf.

Reading all of her journals causes one to be acutely aware of her life, and I feel like I know her as much as, say, members of my own family. I also feel that I know her friends. Her reading habits are pretty good, and she talks about Milton and Byron a lot. Anyway, Virginia Woolf reads a lot. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she rides her bike sometimes. In her diary, she said that she rode it someplace, and I wonder what kind of bicycle she had.

So, I am almost through with that book. Today is a beautiful day, and it is not too hot. I thought that it might be extremely hot today, but that is not so. It was projected to be really hot, but I guess that that projection is wrong. Today it was quiet while reading Virginia Woolf. The book is about 309 pages long.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to write and to read. Yesterday was an awful time riding my bike. Now I am about through with my journal entry for today. I started the journal well enough, and hopefully I have put some stuﬀ of interest in the latter part of my journal though I doubt it. Put that down to pure annoyances. Now all is quiet though, and maybe I can have a decent night ahead of me though probably without academics. Well, one cannot win them all, and with that in mind I wish the reader a fine day. The Fourth of July is coming, which means fireworks. My next appointment is on July fifth, to have an American way of writing the date. So, I am oﬀ. Take care, fair reader. Bye bye.

Wednesday, June 27 2001

I feel exhausted right now because I slept poorly last night, yet I am going to try to write a full entry today. Today I read a change of book for about an hour: I started The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne, which is pretty good. I will still read Virginia Woolf ’s diary, but I needed a break from that for a change. I will probably go back to it tomorrow. Hawthorne’s book is pretty well written though sometimes his writing is kind of trivial and though he talks about superfluous things too much. Still, he is a learned man. I feel awfully tired right now as I did on my bike ride. I was really out of it on my bike ride today though I managed to do three loops.

I slept really poorly last night, and I must have gotten up at least ten times.

I hate it when what happened to me last night happens. I keep getting up and having to fall back asleep again. Unfortunately, last night I did not listen to music, and I had to watch some television. I saw part of this terrible show called “The Witchblade.” The show stunk. Since I did not sleep well last night, I am probably not going to listen to music tonight, but will take it easy. Thus I will probably watch a lot of television. The Hawthorne book is about this man Pyncheon, who died because of a curse that this man convicted of witchcraft put on him. The man convicted of witchcraft was put on the gallows and killed though I think that he was innocent.

He cursed Pyncheon on the gallows before he was hanged. Pyncheon was the one who owned this House of the Seven Gables, which he handed down to his relations. The book talks about the house and about the relations in this house. Hawthorne says that each new generation has one man who resembles the old Pyncheon in his strength. Old Pyncheon was strong and could take care of his business matters. He was pulling for having a huge plot of land, but he died before he had it. For a long time Pyncheon’s heirs tried to get it too, but they did not have old Pyncheon’s strength. The property was rightfully old Pyncheon’s, but with his weak heirs people came along and built on this huge area of land that old Pyncheon would have gotten had not the curse came upon him. So, all the Pyncheons of the future have is The House of the Seven Gables, which is no big find because it probably is haunted.

The relations of the man convicted of witchcraft petered out, and I think that his weak line did not continue living. All this talk of ancestry has me to wonder whether Hawthorne had a good ancestry. Maybe Hawthorne is full of himself and his family, who knows. I am glad that I got a one-day break from Virginia Woolf, as I was getting too caught up in her whirl of a life. I feel awfully tired right now, and I did not get much sleep last night. My bike ride was pretty good even though I was kind of out of it, and I was more like dreaming on my bike ride than anything else. I feel bad that I did not sleep well last night.

I was thinking about going to Borders in Manchester, but I decided against going to that bookstore or anywhere else today. I am just going to stay in and watch an inordinate amount of television. There are two roses in bloom in the

garden. One of them is orange, and I think that the other is pink. I cannot believe that it is already Wednesday. Today is predicted to be in the mid-nineties, and I do admit that it is hot today. I wish that I could have gotten a good night’s sleep, and then I could have listened to Mozart’s Twenty-Fifth, Twenty-Sixth, Twenty-Seventh, and Twenty-Ninth Symphonies tonight. My mom told me that she saw Mozart’s diary in Avon, and I wonder what it is like. I have a slight headache right now.

I did not know that Mozart kept a diary, and I am impressed with him for doing so. I think that Haydn also kept a diary. Yesterday I was swooning in bed, and I did not swoon today though today I had the problem of poor sleep. Today I had nearly as bad a time as yesterday because all morning I kept getting up and then having to try to get back to sleep. It seemed like I would only be asleep for about ten minutes before getting up again and having the awful feeling of being on this dosage of medicine. At night it seems that every night I have a diﬃcult time of going to sleep.

I saw a woman on the River Trail today. I felt kind of sleepy riding my bike, and I felt like I was dreaming. Last night on “Law and Order” there was a kid whom a doctor said had schizophrenia, only the doctor was wrong because his hallucinations came from a brain tumor. I would hate to be in a mental hospital in New York City, which is crowded from what I saw on “Law and Order.” There is not much going on in the news. Wimbledon is on though it saddens me somewhat that I have not watched much of it. So, I guess that this Saturday I will visit Mamaw and Popee. I think that tomorrow I will have mom get some CDs from the Internet. Tonight I have got to remind my parents that I need a printer cartridge. I plan on printing out my recent journal on Monday, and then I will not write a journal entry. Right now I am wearing and am proud of wearing, I guess, this Florida State tennis shirt.

That is, it says Florida State Tennis, and it reminds me of when I was down in Florida to visit Sarah and Ann though I do not know why I should feel proud. My thoughts floated to going to college today, and common sense tells me that I should return to college. I just go literally crazy if I have to go someplace often.

For example, I would get all worked up about having to go to somewhere even twice a week. I can barely get by going to the psychiatrist once a week. The thing that causes this stress are my obsessions, which do not let me go to college, yet I would rather stay home than be put on Prozac, which might cause more problems than it solves, especially with me having anxiety. Well, at least I have been led to believe from psychiatrists that I have anxiety. Yet in my mind now it seems only to be a word and could easily be called shyness instead. I could have a case of coyness. I could just be an incurable melancholic. I certainly have a hard time going anywhere, say, for vacation. I am afraid to go anywhere away from Mt. Sinai Hospital because I am afraid that if I get psychotic I would be put in a diﬀerent mental hospital.

So, today I am going to probably watch a lot of television, and yesterday I also watched a lot of television. I guess that television is the friend of someone with schizophrenia. I watch a whole lot of television is what I mean. Anyway, today is a beautiful day. In the marsh today I saw this great big bird, which looked like some kind of crane. I think that it was standing upright in the marsh, so it must have had very long legs. I saw two young men on bikes on the trail too.

Agassi and Capriati are through the first round at Wimbledon. I wonder and have wondered what nationality Agassi is, and Agassi sounds like an Italian last name. Agassi looks small on television, especially with his shaved head. I hope that Agassi wins the whole tournament, and I think that Agassi has a chance. I am not looking forward to watching a lot of television today though there is nothing much else to do. I really do hope that I will be able to sleep all right tonight. I can never tell how well I will sleep. Today certainly is hot though not too hot to write here now.

I have got to wrap up this entry now. I hope that I will sleep well and thus write tomorrow. I am looking forward to getting my recent journal printed on Monday, and I hope that I will be able to get it all printed. Now I feel kind of tongue tied to wrap things up, but that is all right. I wish the reader well. Maybe in the future I can have my journal published, but I should probably wait about five years for that. I wonder if a publisher would take it. Now I am oﬀ. Of course, I wish the reader well, as I said. Bye bye.

Thursday, June 28 2001

Today is quite hot, yet it not too hot to go for a bike ride. I slept well last night too though my morning was terrible as I was tired in bed. I read Virginia Woolf for about fifty-five minutes today. I feel really tired on this medicine at the moment. Also, I am tired almost always on it except for at night before I take it. Virginia Woolf is getting boring and annoying. I did not understand a lot of what she was talking about today, so I might just be reading too much of her work and am getting saturated by it. I feel one thing right now: tiredness. I do not feel much else; I am just downright tired. I feel brainwashed by this medicine, and I can barely write right now. I now have a printer cartridge. I feel so incredibly tired. I do not know how else to say how I feel. At least I am less tired than this morning. I feel half-dead, and maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe the reader thinks that there is something wrong with me.

Today I thought about Andover, Exeter, St. Paul’s, Choate, and Deerfield, and I wondered who St. Paul’s, Choate’s, and Deerfield’s rivals are. The rival of Loomis, my school, is Kent. I thought that Hotchkiss was nice, and I was most impressed with the castle-like Taft. I do not know why I am talking about private schools right now, but maybe I wish that I was in a nicer place. I am really isolated from the outside world here at home, and I wish that some cure could be found for schizophrenia so that I could travel the world.

I guess that my aunt Jane is coming to Hartford on Monday. She is from one of the Carolinas, and I guess that she lives in Charleston. If I could go to any college in the world, I would like to go to Yale probably. Or maybe Amherst. Or better yet the California Institute of Technology in California. Just kidding around. I like jokes. I am wearing an Amherst College T-shirt right now. One can tell how tired I am by my writing.

I did sweat some on my about twenty-seven-minute bike ride today. I think that it is over ninety degrees right now, and I might be tired because of the heat. I slept well last night. I can hear birds chirping, and I like that sound. I feel like I am half-asleep. Well, I have got to think about something to say about the present. I had a good bike ride, and I passed a man with headphones on listening to something. I also passed an older woman. I went down past the tobacco fields, and I debated whether to ride for about an hour or not, finally deciding not to because I heard that it would be very hot today. The big news in Hartford is the Greater Hartford Open golf tournament, but I am not at all interested in it. I guess that I am kind of a provincial person now.

My idea of a vacation is going to a bookstore, but who cares. The one thing, however, that I miss is going to the beach. I like the ocean and the sand, but my obsessions prevent me from going there. I do not want to take Prozac, Paxil, or Zoloft, as these are, I guess, used for depression and obsessive- compulsive disorder. Today in Virginia Woolf ’s diary I did not understand half of it because of the way that the diary is written. She writes in her diary wildly.

Maybe I am just getting supersaturated with her diary and need to take time oﬀ from it though I am nearing the end of the book.

She talked about the war going on and about a lot of people negatively. She thinks many people superficial, and she might just be right. I hate to put down Virginia Woolf though, as I think that she is one of my favorite writers. To keep it that way, maybe I should take a break from her for a while. I have, however, already read almost all of her books, so I can take a huge break from her. I am looking forward to continuing along in Hawthorne’s The House with the Seven Gables.

Today I was thinking about going to Borders to pick up some CDs, but I guess that I will not do that. Last night, my parents went to pick up the printer cartridge and some CDs. They got the wrong cartridge and only one CD. Last night I watched a lot of television. I saw the news, “Law and Order,” part of My Blue Heaven, and part of Sudden Death. So, I watched a lot of television. Anyway, I slept well last night. I am looking forward to printing this journal up on Monday. I would not mind publishing it if I could just get some money for it. I would not even care about money as long as people would read it. That Hawthorne went to Bowdoin I am sure that Bowdoin people talk much about. I feel bad that people drink so much beer and wine at college.

People can drink as much fruit juice as they want without me getting mad about it. If I went back to college, I would not drink alcohol. I would probably

sign up for some clubs to meet people. I think that it would be nice to have a fraternity that did not drink alcoholic drinks. If I had to do Loomis Chaﬀee over again, I probably would not have drunk any beer. I would have settled for doing well in school instead of my terrible senior slide that left me without graduating cum laude, the National Honor Society. I missed out on some good learning the last two terms of my senior year. Anyway, that is how the cookie crumbles. I wonder if I will ever return to college, and I certainly hope that I can.

I do not even care which college I would go to; I would not mind going to any college. I am going to need a haircut soon. Jane is coming up on Monday. She is kind of competitive. She is a good athlete, and I liked playing tennis with her when I visited. My tiredness has kind of gone away while I am writing this. Tonight I might flip through a magazine that has the latest inventions in it.

Today really is a hot day. I hope that I never get psychotic again. If I do, I fear the mental hospital. I hope that I will get a haircut pretty soon, and maybe I should shave it all oﬀ like Andre Agassi. Maybe I should have a mohawk or a bowl cut.

Better yet a spike hairdo. My toe is healing well, and I should be able to run on it soon and hope that I do not get that again. I do still feel kind of tired, but at least I have something to do.

Now is about time to wrap up my entry. Today for lunch I had a ham sandwich with cheese. My dinners are pretty good though not great. All seems to be going pretty well if only I did not have this extreme tiredness all the time. I am still hoping for a cure for my illness. I hope that the reader is all right. I wish the reader well, of course. I hope that the knight or maiden who is reading this is in good health and in a nice state of mind. I hope that people wish me well in my hopes for a cure for this illness. Now I am oﬀ though I will probably write tomorrow. Now, however, is a time to really rest. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Friday, June 29 2001

Today I am going to write about a half entry. I just do not feel like talking for the full hour today. So, I am going to write for about twenty-nine minutes.

Today is a hot day, but it is not too hot for biking at least. My right toe is healing, and soon I should be able to jog. I am looking forward to watching some Wimbledon this afternoon, as I have watched little of it this week. I hope that it will be on television this afternoon. My dad took down the basketball hoop in the driveway today. The hoop was tilted, thus it was probably not fit for playing basketball on.

Today I read The House of the Seven Gables for about an hour, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. I just do not feel like writing for a full entry today. I hope that I finish Virginia Woolf ’s diary soon. I have gotten supersaturated with her work. Last night I was really mad because I did not think that I had clothes for today. So, I could not concentrate on listening to music for various reasons. If I had had clothes for today washed and in sight for me to see that they were

washed, I would have not been mad and would have been able to keep listening to music.

As I go into the weekend, I should mention that God has been there for me of late with His grace. I always look up to Him. I hope that I always look up to Him and continue doing things. With His help and His caring much is possible, and I hope that He will always be with me. Like I mentioned, today is a beautiful day, and I passed some old women on the River Trail. I did have a good bike ride, and I rode down by the tobacco fields. Today was probably too hot to ride for an hour like I was contemplating. Yesterday night I read Newsweek Magazine for about twenty minutes and learned about the new artificial heart. I also learned that the heart pumps blood to the lungs, where the blood gets oxygen. That fact impressed me. Today I hope that I will be able to watch some tennis. I hope to see some of Agassi and Capriati.

I am looking forward to Monday when I will probably print my recent journal entries. Tomorrow I will probably see Mamaw and Popee, and I guess that Jane is coming here on Monday. I feel pretty well after my bike ride, and knowing that I only have to write for about a half hour today. So far in the Hawthorne book, a previously aristocratic elderly woman named Hepzibah Pyncheon finds herself having to keep a small shop in order to survive. She is not looking forward to her venture, and she does not like being looked down upon. She is so used to being the aristocrat that it is hard to bear being just a shopkeeper. She sells cheap items, and she sold two gingerbread cookies to a small boy.

She sells this stuﬀ from her house, which of course is The House of the Seven Gables. Hawthorne’s book is pretty good, but it is not too exciting. I kind of wish that I could read some science books. In the book, the lady hears two men talking about how hard it is to set up a shop such as hers; one knew a woman who tried and failed to keep one up. After hearing these words, the lady felt bad.

I wonder what the plot of the book is and how the book is going to turn out. Like I said last night, I read Newsweek for about twenty minutes, and the magazine was interesting. The issue was about the “new frontiers of medicine.” I hope that Wimbledon will be on today and that I will be able to get news on how the Americans are doing in that tournament in England. Today I will probably watch a lot of television, as I am kind of taking a day oﬀ from a full day of academics. Yet I hope that I will not get too bored tonight. Last night I watched the news and “Law and Order” among other things. I hope that my right toe heals soon so that I will be able to run.

I slept pretty well last night. Still, I wish that I could sleep better. Last night for dinner I had a hamburger and cherries. Now I should wrap up this about half entry. I wish the reader a fine future. I mean that I wish him or her fine tidings in the future. I am looking forward to watching some Wimbledon though I am not looking forward to all of the television I will probably watch

tonight. Tomorrow I will probably not write because I will be going to Mamaw and Popee’s. Now I am oﬀ. Not much is happening in the world now except for the usual though on the news much is depressing. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Monday, July 2 2001

Hi. Salve. For a change today I went on a jog, which tired me out totally. I mean it took all of my strength. I was just so tired on this run that I was breathing extremely fast. I jogged down by Loomis Chaﬀee, where some camps going on, but it looked empty. There actually was probably one camp there. Last night I listened to four Mozart quintets on one CD. Yesterday I printed my recent journal entries. The night before last I had slept poorly, and pretty much all that I could do yesterday was print out my journal. Wow, that run really tires me out. Riding my bike does not tire me out like this.

I wonder how Wimbledon played out. I wonder who played today at Wimbledon. I am a tennis fan. I really tired myself out with my run today. I just feel exhausted. I ran to the train station and down Broad Street. I turned in by the big hill and headed towards Loomis Chaﬀee. The school looked ugly with the fences around it, and I do not know why they do that. Maybe they are trying to keep people away that are not employed or are students there. I ran for about twenty-five minutes. My ears were popping during the run, and my lungs were working hard.

Today I read a total of about fifty-seven minutes. Yesterday, when no one played at Wimbledon, they showed some of a Pete Sampras match, and today they resume play. I would like to see Andre Agassi win as well as Jennifer Capriati. Loomis people would probably call her Caps or something. I am glad that I printed my journal yesterday, and the printing took about an hour. That was all that I was able to do yesterday. I wonder if I could get my journal published, and I have been thinking about doing so. I could publish a year’s worth of my journal.

Then people would want to read my previous work, and I would have to turn this request down. I would have to seriously edit this in order to publish my earlier works. If I did not edit my previous works, I would seem like a terrible person as reflected in my journal from a while ago. Yesterday I was extremely tired and unable to exercise or to do academics. Today is seasonably, which means nicely, cool. I feel more physically tired than mentally tired right now. I did not see anyone jogging on my jog today, but I saw a woman walking.

I saw those kids at Loomis in camp for baseball. I think that I saw an instructor holding a bat. I wonder if the Wininger’s camp is still going on. Mr. Wininger was my gym teacher in elementary school at Clover Street and was one of my favorite teachers of all time. Yesterday I did not do much academics, as I could read for a total of about sixteen minutes. I just was too tired to do anything except print my journal. Now maybe I can publish it sometime.

I have not written in a while, for Saturday I visited Mamaw and Popee. I watched some tennis over there, and I played three games of ping-pong. Mamaw said that she thought that I had grown. I wonder if it is possible to keep growing in one’s twenties. I jogged today, and my right toe did not bother me much. The jog really tired me out. Today is really a beautiful day. Today is an ideal summer day, and it is July already. I saw some tennis courts at Loomis Chaﬀee. I am not sure if they were being used.

There are only two days till the Fourth of July. Only sparklers, not fireworks, are legal in Connecticut. Still, people will probably use them. I wonder if anyone will use fireworks near here. I got up at around ten-thirty this

morning, and that is the usual of late. There is nothing much on television lately. I watch the news and parts of movies. Nothing is happening in the world except for Wimbledon, which even was on the news last night. The news showed how Jennifer Capriati fell, and her comeback. Now she has only one endorsement and is focusing in on tennis, as the news show said.

She is endorsed by Fila, which I guess is an Italian company from the sound of it.

I wonder how she did today. I wonder how Venus Williams, who is the second seed, did today. I am hoping that Jennifer will win the tournament and then win the U.S. Open so that she can get an American Grand Slam, so to speak. I guess that I should talk about the Virginia Woolf book. I think that I am reading her diary early in her career.

I think that at the date of the diary that I am reading she has written two books, which are The Voyage Out and Night and Day. She said that she enjoyed writing Night and Day more than The Voyage Out. It is surprising that I have not read either of them because I thought that I had read nearly all of her books. I am going to read Night and Day probably pretty soon though. I will probably read it after the Nathaniel Hawthorne book. I did not get to watch Wimbledon today, but I will probably find out about it after dinner. I guess that Jane is coming to Hartford tonight, and I heard my mom say that she is looking forward to seeing Jane Willis.

I kind of wish that Sarah could come up too. Sarah has her own son though I cannot remember his name. I will bet that he will be a big kid, though, and I wonder how old he is now. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch today along with some orange juice and a banana. Today really is a beautiful day. I cannot believe how much that run tired me out today. I feel in a way bad because in my former days a run like that would be as easy as pie, or cake, or whatever. I mean that it would be a piece of cake before. The reason why I went to Loomis Chaﬀee briefly today is that I did not have the energy to run up that big hill on Broad Street. Loomis Chaﬀee looked absolutely deserted. I guess that tonight I am going to watch television a lot. I wonder what is on the news. Generally there are just boring things on the news, like the prices of gas

and energy, foreign crises, and taxes. In other words, the news is very boring. I have just written over what I was supposed to, so I have to go. Bye bye.

Tuesday, July 3 2001

I just recently got back from a bike ride. I decided not to run because I was too tired. I did not sleep too well last night. I slept poorly in fact. I just owe God for getting me through rough times like this. I owe Him for his caring. I hope that I always look up to Him. I hope that His grace will inspire me always to do work that He would be glad of. I want to please Him, and to always look up to Him and His grace. I am surely not going to Mamaw and Popee’s today. I do not want to go for the rest of the week. Maybe Jane will still be here on Saturday though. I feel awfully tired today. I feel more exactly overtired. This morning I kept getting up. At the slightest sound I would wake up. I do not think that I got much sleep last night.

Obviously, I really hope that I can get enough sleep tonight. Today is quite a beautiful day. I went for a bike ride for about a half hour. I saw tons of people on the River Trail today. I saw kids on their bikes and adults walking. I wonder what would happen if I just gave up on life, but I know that it would not be pretty. So many people have done just that. They have given up on life. They turn to drugs or debauchery. I am getting oversaturated with Virginia Woolf. I think that I read for about fifty-five minutes today though I might have lost track of time a little bit. Yesterday I also lost track of time-but while doing my journal-so I took some time oﬀ of reading for today. Tomorrow I think that I will read Hawthorne’s book. Woolf talks about her short work Kew Gardens. I do not know if this is a short story or a novel. I feel tired right now, overtired really. I wish that I had slept well last night.

I guess that I will read about the old Pyncheon woman tomorrow in Hawthorne. Last night was diﬃcult for me, and I did not know what to do if I were to wait for my dad to get home. I watched some television, but I could not keep watching it until late. There was a bunch of trash on late-night television anyway. Today is pretty cool as compared to some of the other days this summer, but that is to be expected. I wore a sweatshirt on my ride today, and that was somewhat warm to wear.

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, which I have not thought much about. I feel kind of depressed right now like I do not have much to say. I just wish that my dad did not have to pick Jane up at the airport last night. My mom will probably visit today. Yesterday I am surprised that I wrote for so long, and it was an accident. Like I mentioned, I saw a lot of people on my bike ride. I saw some kids on their bikes. I saw two mothers in all, I think, with their kids. There were two kids who looked like high-school boys on their bikes though they were not riding together.

I think that one had long red hair, and the other was riding an old bike. I also passed some Asian boys from Loomis, and there were also some Asian girls whom I saw at a diﬀerent point. Summer school at Loomis must be starting now. If I had a choice, I would like to go to summer school at college too. I would not care which summer school, as long as it would be kind of nice. I have been keeping up to date at Wimbledon, where Pete Sampras lost his match and so will not repeat as Wimbledon champion. I wonder whether he will retire after this year. I must say that today certainly is beautiful. I kind of wish that there was a nice garden in the yard. There is potential, but my parents do not seem to be willing to plant seeds and to water flowers.

My bike is doing well. I am kind of sore from my run yesterday. I do stretch briefly before my jogs and bike rides though I only do it really quickly. The stretching takes less than a minute. I feel overtired. I am not going to do any more academics after this journal entry. I think that I had a lot of dreams last night though I think that they kept being broken up by sounds that happened to wake me up. There are a lot of birds around this time of year.

I saw one perched on a power line in the front yard though I have not seen a cardinal lately. I do not mean a religious cardinal though. Yesterday I watched a lot of television. Right now it kind of looks like it is going to rain. I think that a nice thunderstorm would be fun though it probably will not rain. I hope that I do not start dreaming while awake, as that would be a bad sign. I wonder if it rained in England today. I wonder how the women’s action is going. I am rooting for the comeback of Jennifer Capriati. I hope that she gets a Grand Slam.

Anyway, I am hoping that a thunderstorm will come. I am supposed to be in my athletic prime right now and am about the same age as Jennifer Capriati, yet I can barely keep up a respectable jog for a half hour. I should be vigorously exercising and succeeding in college sports right not though instead I am here at home on this tranquilizer pill that, I think, all but kills me. I wonder if there will be any cure for what I have, and maybe someday there will be a cure.

I wonder which drug company will come up with the cure, and when they will come out with it. There should be more research out for schizophrenia. I wonder if it is something that can be cured altogether, and I think that first people have to understand the disease better. There is so much in the disease that has to be cured. There are entire thought patterns that have to be corrected. Well, I hope that a cure will come while I am in my twenties though that will probably not happen. Anyway, next week I will need to get a haircut. I really need a haircut. Right now the weather is darkening and looks like it might get darkling before long.

There is a poetic term for one. I think that a good downpour might be good. Maybe I can do a rain dance like the Indians do for rain. I really hope that I will be able to sleep well tonight, as I need a good sleep. Today for lunch I had a turkey and cheese sandwich though I found out late that it was too old. Anyway, I am looking forward to some rest after this entry. I wonder if I will see Jane

while she is in Hartford. I will probably go over on Saturday, but she might not be there then.

I am surprised that I am able to write today despite not sleeping well last night. I am just about out of gas now, and I am glad that I am nearing the end of my entry. I wonder how life is proceeding in Neuschwanstein Castle right now. That reminds me of the old computer game that I used to play on my Apple IIe called Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Now I should write my conclusion. Tonight I am going to rest, and hopefully I will get enough sleep tonight. I probably will get to sleep all right. I wonder if my mom will go to Mamaw and Popee’s tonight. I am probably not going to do any more academics tonight.

I hope that I can get some updates on Wimbledon. I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is doing very well. Maybe someday I will be oﬀ of this medicine and feeling better. I will probably write tomorrow. So, without further ado I guess that I am oﬀ. Maybe I will get lucky if there will be a big downpour today, yet, since I did not do my rain dance, there might not be. Tonight I will just concentrate on resting. Before my obsessions start going, I should go. I will probably write tomorrow, like I said. Bye bye.

Wednesday, July 4 2001

Today was kind of a disaster, and now I am left to salvage it. The day began with a loud concert in town. Therefore, I could not study. I went to Borders in Manchester, but there was not much to see there. I looked at some art books and at some CDs though I did not have the courage to buy the CDs. I have been mulling over whether or not to take Zoloft, which is supposed to cure obsessive- compulsive disorder, anxiety, and depression. I just want to return to Trinity College. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I probably am not going to go to it because I might go to my mom’s birthday party on Friday. I am planning to. Like I mentioned today, there was a concert today in town.

I do not know what was being played. There was not much in the bookstore. Well, there was a lot, but it did not seem too interesting. There were some people in the art section with me. I read Hawthorne for about an hour today. My mom had the day oﬀ. She asked me in the car on the Borders trip what I was reading. I would like more than anything to go to Trinity College. I have not run today, and I do not think that I will run or bike today. I wanted to get about a half entry in today though I am not going to write a full entry because of the stupid band in town. There was some kind of festival in town today.

I hope that fireworks do not keep me up tonight like they did yesterday night, when I kept hearing small explosions. Also, there is this annoying noise on the streets that I have been hearing lately. The sound sounds like a car going over some kind of bump, and I think that that is it. I was bothered by it yesterday and am kind of annoyed with it today. Today has been an extremely diﬃcult day

filled with frustration. I am tired from all the frustration to tell the truth, and maybe it would have been better if I had gone out for a bike ride.

I saw a lot of CDs at Borders by Haydn, Handel, Mozart, Vivaldi and Wagner. My not having the courage to buy them is probably a result of the combination of my obsessions and my anxiety. I looked in some art books, and I liked them pretty well. I am probably not going to do any more academics today. Already I feel exhausted. I am just really tired, and I would not say exhausted exactly. There were a lot of people in the bookstore today. On a telephone I saw a man who probably thought that he was all great. There were some people in the music section too though no one was in the classical-music section. I wonder if people even bother to buy classical music. I feel depressed right now.

I feel annoyed that I cannot seem to get myself to go to Trinity or even to get the music that might improve my life. I think that Andre Agassi won his match against Nicholas Escudé today. I am not sure if the women played today, but I think that they did. I will probably go to my mom’s birthday party, but I am kind of afraid of doing so because that means going out. I kind of wish that her birthday could be celebrated Saturday instead of Friday, as that would give me more time to gather myself. I think that the family is going to go to Bertucci’s. I hope that I have a better day tomorrow than today. I got to go to Borders though I was and am somewhat disappointed in what I found there. I guess that I am a strange ascetic. I will probably stick to the Virginia Woolf book to the end, and I am getting towards the end of it.

Then I will be able to concentrate solely on the Hawthorne novel. I read an hour of it today, and the old lady Pyncheon’s young relative came to visit her in her House of the Seven Gables. The girl is very nice and has suggestions on how to run the old woman’s store. The girl adds life to the house, and the older woman announces that she is a nice girl. The novel is kind of boring, though, for not much, as far as plot is concerned, has happened yet. Now I have got to go.

Tonight I guess that I will relax. I am still now hoping for a cure for schizophrenia, and I hope that my college can wait for a cure too. The new school year will be coming up soon, and I wonder if the people at college are mad at me. Well, this paragraph is a long one. I will end it now though with saying that I wish the reader fine tidings. I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, July 5 2001

I did not go to the psychiatrist appointment today, and my mom called James Bozzuto to cancel. I am writing this after having read Virginia Woolf ’s diary for about fifty-eight minutes. Today I exercised, but I could only walk because I was too tired to do anything else. The medicine kills me physically. I did not have too much trouble walking, but the ten minutes of running that I had there were tough for me to do. I exercised for a total of about a half hour today.

My day today has been extremely tough because of all of the interruptions. I saw some Wimbledon, when I was interrupted a lot.

I saw Jennifer Capriati play Justine Henin, and Henin was winning when I turned oﬀ the match. I think that Henin probably went on to win the match though Capriati had won the initial set. I feel kind of tired right now, more emotionally than physically. I hope that I will be able to finish this journal entry today, and I will only be able to do about a half journal entry. Tomorrow I am planning on seeing my grandparents and Jane. Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday party, which is on her birthday. I feel emotionally drained, which can be just as exhausting as being physically drained.

I will probably be finished with Virginia Woolf ’s diary soon. Then I can concentrate on the Hawthorne book. For lunch today I had some sandwich squares and a piece of pizza. The squares were tuna fish and egg salad. Last night I listened to some new Vivaldi concertos, and I like this CD. On my walk, there was a woman walking right behind me at one point, and I did not notice this until she was right on my back. I walked by an old man whom I have seen before often on the River Trail. The frogs were really loud today. There were not a whole lot of people on the trail today though there were a lot of cars parked in the parking lot of the trail. I had a fine walk. The river looked low, and I could see the sand in the middle of the river. I think that I slept all right last night. I kind of wish that I could vigorously exercise. I do not like to be tired out so easily.

Today is a beautiful day. I need a haircut really bad. I hope that I will get one next week. I hope that James Bozzuto was not too mad at me today for not showing up at my appointment. I just would rather go to Bertucci’s with my family. Tonight I will probably just watch some television. Today has been so crazy that I am lucky that I did not become crazy myself. I just hope that tonight will be pretty quiet. I am looking forward to finishing the book that I am reading now, and I need a break from Virginia Woolf though I still think that she is one of my favorite writers.

I just hope that tonight I will be able to rest up for tomorrow’s party. I wonder what the family will order at Bertucci’s, and I might order like some pasta or something. Yet the family might order a pizza, so I probably should not have eaten that piece of pizza today at lunch. I might, however, be in the mood for pizza tomorrow. Virginia Woolf, by the way, in her diary has recently gotten Monk’s House at Rodmell, where she will write many diary entries in the future. Well, now I should write my conclusion. I hope that I have a nice night. I just would like that golden silence. Today it rained some but not enough, and it did not rain yesterday though it looked like it. Well, I wish the reader well this afternoon, and I hope that he or she does virtuous acts all the time. Now I have to depart, but I am glad that I got this entry in today though it was only about a half entry. I will probably write tomorrow, but if I decide to read tomorrow, I will probably then write on Saturday. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Saturday, July 7 2001

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s for dinner, and I had a good dinner. Jane was there. Today I walked and jogged for a total of about twenty- seven minutes. I finished Virginia Woolf ’s diary today, so I am reading solely Hawthorne. I feel awfully tired right now. I feel extremely tired. I have been thinking about publishing my journal. I had a series of great dreams last night. I wore my cross-country hat on my jog today, and I jogged for about half of my exercising today. I am so tired that I do not know if I can even keep writing. I imagined myself like Justine Henin today, for she and I both had hats on. She was wearing a hat versus Capriati. Jane talked a lot last night about a lot of things. I am so tired, and I can barely think. I wish that I was not so tired. My family is addicted to Wimbledon. I am glad that I finished Virginia Woolf ’s diary today. I do not think that the Hawthorne book should take long. I actually slept well last night. I played ping-pong two games with my mom, and I think that I played two games with Popee. Although I wanted to play a game with Jane, I did not get to play her, and she just seemed content to talk.

On my exercising today I passed some Loomis people, and I guess that they were kids who were from summer school. Jane talked about how Sarah wanted a house instead of her apartment though Sarah might live with Jane at this point. Jane said that she wanted to be cremated when she dies. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. The cake was not too good, but the chicken from Kentucky Fried Chicken was good. I asked where the chicken was from, and, after Mamaw responded, I said that I never have had chicken from there before. Popee did not want to go to Bertucci’s tonight, for he said that he was dizzy. He said that he started a new book. Popee played pretty well at ping-pong. I did not take it easy on my mom, though, as I won the first game 11-0. Maybe I should not have been so cruel. I am looking forward both to getting my haircut and to going to the bookstore.

I will go to the bookstore probably when I will be through with the Hawthorne book though the book is pretty boring. Hawthorne knows how to apply the bull in his writing, often expounding sentences about next to nothing. I write in this journal far more than Virginia Woolf writes in her diary, yet she probably does more reading and writing in general though I probably exercise more than she does. Today I got up the nerve to wear my cross-country hat, which looked pretty good on me and which covered up my head that needs a

haircut badly. Today is a beautiful day though it is pretty hot out. I was really hot on my walk, and I was more so than on the jogging portion of my exercising.

On my walk I saw some people. I saw two painters, and one of them stared at me as if I was interesting. I passed a dog that I saw on the porch of a house, and it was barking at me threateningly. I also passed a group of people who were on the lawn of their house. There was a big sprinkler on in front of one house.

Like I mentioned before, I was really hot outside while I was walking. The

Loomis kids whom I passed were in two groups. One consisted of some boys and a girl, while the other consisted of three girls. I am glad that I am not at Loomis for school. Loomis was a problem in some ways. Yesterday Jane talked a whole lot. My mom had her read a funny letter that Carol had written at Hartford High before she had gone to Westminster.

Jane read it kind of awkwardly. She could not read some words in Carol’s hand that, I guess, were hard to read. Mamaw laughed a lot at the letter. My parents and Jane went to the Taylor mansion in Westfield yesterday, and the lady there said that she was so excited to see a Taylor. I guess that Popee had lived in the mansion for a time. I think that my parents and Jane saw the gravestone of Popee’s grandfather Henry George Taylor though I am not sure of this.

My mom got some earrings and a jean jacket from my dad. She also got some money from my grandparents and a box of Godiva stuﬀ from my aunt Jane. In Virginia Woolf, she has skipped a lot of entries for various reasons. One reason is what she called influenza and what Americans call the flu. Even though I think that she was in her thirties, Virginia Woolf ’s career had really yet to begin for I think that she had only written two full-length books. My mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s today.

Virginia Woolf talks about the news, like the war and the strike, more than I do. She has servants, but I would probably not want servants because they could poison my food or kill me. I owe God a lot for His caring for me. He has been there for me of late, and His grace is ever present to me. I want to always look up to Him. I hope that I can continue looking up to Him and His might. I am not so tired right now.

Today really is a beautiful day. The sun felt really good on me today. I would have liked to go on the River Trail, but I thought that I heard some heavy equipment over there. My right toe is doing all right and is almost totally healed. I wonder what I will have for dinner tonight. Virginia Woolf mentions butter a lot. She always has visitors, except maybe when she is sick. Even at this early stage in her career, she mentions her books a lot, and she cares a lot what other people think of them. Tonight I guess that I will rest. I am glad that I have gotten to write a full journal entry today. I will see the reader tomorrow probably. I was out yesterday for a long time. I am really surprised, therefore, that I slept all right last night. Anyhow, I am oﬀ now. I hope that I can continue having those awesome dreams that I had yesterday night. I wish the reader fine tidings.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be in better spirits. Bye bye. Sunday, July 8 2001

Today started out bad enough. I was swooning in bed for like an hour and probably more. I could not do anything in bed like that though I got the strength to go for a walk. Then somehow I was able to read The House of the Seven Gables for about an hour, and now I am here writing. Today is a beautiful but rainy day.

My aunt Jane went to the airport today. I get exhausted too easily on my runs. I should get through The House of the Seven Gables pretty quickly. I am looking forward to getting a haircut believe it or not.

I wonder how those tennis players did at Wimbledon. I need some new T- shirts. I wonder if this journal will ever get published. I am kind of looking forward to getting some new books. I wore a hat on my exercising yesterday, but I did not wear a hat today. I need a haircut badly. I kind of miss playing games on the computer and on the video-game systems. I had a lot of fun with the Sega and Nintendo. My mom does not think that it is a good idea to play these games though I do not know why not. I like books that have some mysticism, like religion, in there. I liked Queen Mab by Shelley, Doctor Faustus by Marlowe, and some poems like Hyperion and Endymion by Keats. These types of books and poems inspire artists, too, like the Pre-Raphaelites.

Last night I dreamt that I was a select man called Seahawk with a lot of power. I was at a college, and I was able to befriend young women with no problem because of this power. I went to a lab in the college, where a kid had set up tons of futuristic computers. I was the Seahawk in the Ultima computer game. The people were impressed by me and wanted me to stay with them. I, however, got curious and wanted to see life in the college. I wandered around aimlessly, looking for some food. All that I found, however, were tables selling pastry. I did not want dessert but lunch. There was no place to find a sandwich, but there were only pastry tables outside. I started to get concerned that I could not find any lunch. The young women whom I saw befriended me easily. This dream was on the whole pleasant. I remember that in the lab there was a group that would send over the Internet a new version of Ultima that was supposed to be really good. I do not know how much longer I will be able to write this entry.

I will try to write as much as I can. I saw a cardinal on the River Trail today, and there was a diﬀerent bird near it which had an orange beak, as I remember it. I passed a couple, and a woman, jogging, passed me. The woman had tanned skin. She was pretty short, and I think that she had a Walkman in her hands. The church bells have not rung lately, and I wonder if their sound system is broken. The Hawthorne book has no plot at all, but seems to be merely a book of character study of Cliﬀord, Phoebe, and old Hepzibah Pyncheon.

There is no connecting thread between events. The story is about the Pyncheon family, but that seems to be it. I do think that the character of Phoebe is a good characterization. She has recently met Judge Pyncheon, whom Hepzibah says is the bane of her life, so to speak. Phoebe did not think that he was that bad though partly because he occupied such a high position as a judge. So, I should finish that book pretty soon.

I feel lucky that today I was able to read after such an incredibly slow start to the day. When I am in bed like that and swooning, I barely know where I am and am disoriented. I guess that I kind of miss my Latin and Greek and know that I miss Trinity College, yet I have and keep a good quality of life here. I just

watch too much television. Today I felt absolutely terrible in bed this morning, and I could barely move. I just was trying to stay up for probably over an hour. I finally decided to go downstairs for lunch when all hope of reading any before lunch passed away. Last night’s dinner was not very good, for it was eggplant with pasta. I do not go for that stuﬀ.

I just wish that I was not so tired most of the day. I have about one third of the day when I am not tired. I wish that I could just get about seven or eight hours sleep per day, as I sleep too long. I wonder when the psychiatrist will call if he does. I vividly remember skipping an appointment with Thomas Hill before Christmas Eve. He kept asking why I skipped, and he would not stop asking. I told him that I did not want an appointment close to the Eve. Therefore, I am kind of afraid of James Bozzuto’s reaction to me not going to my appointment last week. Yet I am surely glad that I went to my mom’s birthday party a couple of days ago.

I hope that I have a pretty good dinner tonight, and I am pretty hungry right now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. I think that today I will write a fifty-minute entry and thus take some time oﬀ today. I just should not do this often. I hope that the reader does not mind. I wish the reader well, and I am oﬀ. I hope that the reader is at a place where there is nice weather, and if not I oﬀer the reader the sage advice to not give up any hopes. I am oﬀ now. I hope that it rains tonight, but I am not going to do a rain dance. I am looking forward to dinner, but dinner might turn out to be a bust. I will see the reader tomorrow probably. Bye bye.

Monday, July 9 2001

Hi. Today I am kind of depressed. I think that my exercising wore me out, and I feel really tired right now. I have been thinking about returning to Trinity College. I really would like to do so, but I do not know if I will be able to. I have been thinking about taking Zoloft, that heavily advertised drug. They have it sound all nice, but it probably would make me sleepy and dizzy. I do want to return to college though. Today I read Hawthorne’s book for about an hour, and I exercised for about a half hour. Now I am tired out probably from my run in the blazing heat, during which I felt like fainting half of the time. I wonder how Zoloft would work out. The medicine is supposed to cure a lot. I am so tired right now, and I feel kind of uncomfortable. Maybe I should not have exercised in this heat today. I feel tired as a horse, and as slow as a sloth. Those guys are slow. I do not know if I can continue writing, and I just feel like sleeping. I am writing pretty slowly.

I wonder what I would have to do to return to Trinity College. Maybe I would have to take more medicine, like Zoloft or Prozac. Maybe I simply cannot return there because of the slowness that I have. Maybe I just am not smart enough. Maybe I am dumb from the medicine. I am still a human being with a

spirit though. I still have dreams and aspirations. I still want to succeed and to learn. I am a human being. I would like to return to Trinity College, which is the right place for me. I wonder how an antidepressant would work on me. I wonder how Zoloft would do for me. I feel that my chances of going to Trinity College are slipping away from me day by day. I am looking forward to getting my haircut. I just wish that I could return to college.

I do not know how long I can last this self-education though I suppose for a long time. Popee went to Trinity College, so I have a legacy there. I kind of had a legacy at Loomis because my aunt Ann went there. Well, she went to Chaﬀee. I would like to return to college, like I said, and my whole family is pulling for me. I feel awfully tired right now probably from my walk and run. I jogged and walked for a total of about a half hour. I would not mind taking Zoloft as long as I would not feel sick on it. I wonder if it would even help me at all. Maybe I would feel drunk on it. I am afraid of the drug Prozac, for that might change one’s personality. Zoloft might too for that matter, but it is advertised to seem harmless.

I wonder how many people take Zoloft in the United States. Maybe I could bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist. The United States is supposed to be a land of freedom, but it appears more like a nation of apathy and idleness. Some people are hard working, but the majority of the populace are lazy and spoiled. I am part of the hard-working group, and I would certainly like to stay a part. I guess that I could just easily give up all of my activities and get a terrible job to be part of the rest of the nation, but I do not really want to do that. I would not do that.

Everything in this nation is about social class and about whether one has graduated from college, what degrees one has, and even which college one has gone to. Those without a college degree are looked down upon as inferior.

People only care about looking down or up to their fellow human beings, no matter who they look up or down to. Everything is about social class. I am not bitter about this, or at least I am not in an uproar about it. I just think that it is unfair how humans for the most part treat each other in society. People out of society in the upper echelon often treat each other as equals as do those in the poorest neighborhoods. These people whether homeless or very rich do not have to worry about the opinions of others, especially with the very rich, who already have the ready approval that their wealth buys them.

Yet there is a certain satisfaction that feels good with being in society, driving me to try to return to college. I want to be acknowledged as a human being every day. The point is that although society has many evils in it, I would like to be a part of it because then I get to meet new people. I will get to talk to others and have a quality of life that will be constant with a new job. I do not know how long I will be able to survive here at home like this out on my own without a job. On my jog today I passed a man who waved to me and said “Hi.” He was sitting on a bench in front of the train station.

Today seemed like the hottest day in a long time, and I felt dizzy for most of my jog and walk. Therefore, it was emotionally draining. The problem with society is that it is hard to reach and that only the fit survive. I am not fit for a lot of activities, and falling asleep can be diﬃcult in my case. Anyway, many of those in society are weak duds with a ruddy constitution. I am reading Hawthorne. I am glad that the book got better today. The character of Cliﬀord reminds me of Popee though I think of Popee with more esteem, but I do like the book.

Cliﬀord is an old man, and I guess that he is a Pyncheon like Phoebe. I wonder if Wimbledon is going on today. Today on my jog I wore a hat to cover up my hair, so I was like Justine Henin with her hat. I wore my Colgate tennis hat on.

Colgate is a highly selective university that does not appeal to me at all though the hat is pretty nice. The hat is well faded. My University of North Carolina hat is too dirty to wear, unfortunately, and I wonder how I got a dirt stain on it. I wore that all the time at Loomis Chaﬀee. I wonder if the Henin match has begun. I am looking forward to a haircut tomorrow.

The Hawthorne book still has no plot, by the way, but it does a fine job characterizing the young Phoebe and the older Hepzibah and Cliﬀord. I am about through with this entry and with academics for now. Last night for dinner I had some chicken and corn, and I wonder what I will have tonight. My mom returned to work today. I wish the reader well. I hope that I will be able to write a half entry tomorrow. I will probably not write a full entry because I have to get a haircut tomorrow. I wonder if James Bozzuto will call, and if he does, I should be nice to him. Anyway, more importantly, I have to close out this full entry now. I hope that I will see the reader tomorrow. Today was a fine day. I am oﬀ now.

Today is a beautiful day, by the way, though it is quite hot to be outside for too long. Bye bye.

Tuesday, July 10 2001

Today was a challenging day. I found it challenging to read after my haircut because after my haircut I was feeling lazy. Today I read for about fifty- five minutes and exercised for about a half hour. Today I think that I will write about a half entry. I had a good day of exercising. Even if I am only able to run for a total of about ten minutes every day, I still am satisfied if I am able to do that. So, I walked for about twenty minutes. Even though physically I might not be up to par, I am still smart. I did get my haircut today, and the person who cuts my hair is called Frank.

I have not watched any television today. It is surprising that I do not feel tired right now. I feel pretty well actually. Maybe my extra getting out to the barber’s helped. Popee fell yesterday on a street near Tremont, and he had to be taken to a hospital. I heard the bad news yesterday though I think that he is all right. He talked to mom yesterday. My dad went to the hospital last night.

Last night I listened to Mozart’s Twenty-Fifth, Twenty-Sixth, Twenty- Seventh, and Twenty-Ninth Symphonies. I stayed up late last night waiting for my dad to come home, and I think that I went to sleep before he came home.

James Bozzuto called yesterday and set up my appointment for Monday. The only thing is that the appointment is early, so I might have to schedule a later time. I have been thinking about returning to Trinity College, but then I would have to take Zoloft. I do not know if I want to take that drug.

The Hawthorne book is still about nothing, and now Hawthorne is characterizing Holgrave, the daguerreotypist. He seems to be a fool, or else Hawthorne is the fool. Holgrave talks about how houses should be built anew each generation and about how people are constantly depending on dead people for buildings and books. He remarks that the authors read are mostly dead and that the houses people live in were formerly occupied by their dead residents.

These ideas I found rather superficial and foolish. I wonder what I am going to have for dinner tonight. Last night I had fish, broccoli, a gold kiwi, and a nectarine. I liked the fruit a lot, but the rest was kind of disappointing. Anyway, I should not be talking about what I ate. I wonder if Popee went home last night.

They had to do some scan of him. Last night I hope that he slept at home, not in the hospital. Last night Mamaw had a very late dinner that mom had to bring. I wish that my psychiatrist appointment was earlier. I filled up my bike tires today, and I will find out tomorrow if my back tire really has a flat. It was a big surprise that I actually slept all right last night.

Today is a beautiful day, and it was not as hot as it was yesterday.

Therefore, I did not feel uncomfortable exercising. I think that I had some good dreams last night. I often dream that I am on a bus trip somewhere for vacation. I dream that a lot. On these trips I feel very scared and awkward, and unsure if I will last through the trip. Today is a beautiful day, and it is quite sunny. I feel like I am in Hawaii or something.

The atmosphere is quite nice, and I would be quite happy if there were a thunderstorm coming this way. I should be finished with the Hawthorne book soon. I saw Ruthanne Marchetti on her porch on my jog today. She said “Hi” to me, and I also said “Hi.” On the River Trail I passed a man running, and I think that he had on new Asics running shoes. He was running at a healthy pace though he looked a little too intense. I passed a woman walking her dog, and the dog lunged at me and almost ran into me. Yet the woman held the black dog back. I feel glad that I was able to write this about half entry.

Today really is a brilliant day. If I had the body, I might have gone on a long bike ride today, yet it might be too hot for any sustained vigorous exercise. Now I am oﬀ. I hope that the rest of the day goes all right, as it probably will.

Anyway, I wish the reader well, and I hope that the reader is healthy and that the reader abstains from any unhealthy behavior that will haunt him or her in the future. With that said I will depart from this about half entry, and tomorrow I will probably write about a full entry. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Thursday, July 12 2001

I had a tough time yesterday. What I mean is that I could not read during the day because I just could not concentrate though I do not mean that I am orange juice. Yesterday was a day oﬀ and a very tough one at that though today I got back on track. I rode my bike for about a half hour today. My feeling really good on the bike and not at all tired was the opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I could not do much, but I jogged and walked for a total of twenty-two minutes. I also rode my bike for about a half hour. Yesterday I could not jog well at all. I got really discouraged, yet it was quite encouraging that I was able to bike after very well.

Last night I went to Borders, and I bought four books. I bought the poems of Blake, Browning, and Coleridge. I also bought Eugene Onegin by Pushkin, and I am reading this. I like it a lot. I read it for about an hour today. Today is a very beautiful day, and it looks like it is going to rain. I am only going to be able to write for about a half entry today as I decided last night. I seem to sleep for an awfully long time. I usually have good dreams, but last night I think that I had a scary one.

The book that I am reading is about a young man named Evgeny Onegin, who seems to be dissatisfied with everything. He no longer likes the ballet and cannot pick up a book. He befriends this young man, who is interested in literature, and they have some camaraderie. They become good friends, so Onegin has something to do. I forget the name of the man who befriends Onegin. I think that Onegin is an aristocrat. I am not sure where the poem takes place, but I think that it is either in Paris or in Russia.

I am venturing a guess that the poem takes place in Russia. Today when I was agonizing over what to do, I thought of getting on the Internet. So I was in a bad way today. I was thinking of getting in a chat place on the Internet, for I thought that that would be entertaining. I just could think of nothing else to do besides getting on the Internet or going to the Windsor Library- both things being pretty pointless. I kind of felt like joining a support group on the Internet where I could talk. I also thought of just going into a chat room. I just did not know what to do today, and it could properly be called a crisis.

Pushkin’s book helps though. Now I am no longer in crisis mode. Anyway, on the River Trail today I passed Fred Seebeck, who was walking a dog. He said “Hi” and my first name. I said “Hi” also, and the shocker indeed was that I called him “Fred.” I almost never call people these days by their first name, but I did today. I had a really fun bike ride today, and my legs had some energy in them.

Yesterday was really hard to manage, but today is a good day so far. I think that I will listen to four of Mozart’s quintets tonight. I will, however, probably watch far too much television today. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to write a full entry.

Pushkin is a fine writer, and he mentions some literary figures, like Goethe, in his poem. I will probably finish the poem before I know it. I think that I read about forty pages today in about an hour. The page layout is not normal for a novel. Therefore, it is easy to read. Pushkin talks about this girl Olga and her sister. I am pretty sure that the friend of Onegin fell in love with Olga, and her shy sister reminds me of myself. The books that I bought are for the most part huge.

Pushkin is a fine author, and I do not feel like I am wasting my time reading Eugene Onegin though I feel that I am with The House of the Seven Gables. I went to Borders last night, and my mom told me that Popee had a black eye and scratches on his face. I was saddened by this news and was surprised that his injury was so serious. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s probably on Saturday. I hope that I do not get too bored tonight watching television. Well, now I am oﬀ. I will probably write tomorrow. I wish the reader well. Bye bye.

Sunday, July 15 2001

Yesterday I did not write because I went to Mamaw and Popee’s house.

Today I read and rode my bike. Today I finished Pushkin’s Eugene Onegin, which ended pretty well though Eugene never got together with Tatyana. Yesterday Mamaw talked about Popee’s father’s brothers. Edward and his brother went to Williams College. Popee’s father, however, was a dandy and never went to college though Mamaw said that he had, according to his father, tremendous potential.

Popee’s father was called Louis, and his grandfather was Henry, who I guess named his sons after kings. I noticed how Popee’s face was black and blue from his fall. Mamaw said that it looked like he was in a prize fight, when his face was initially bruised. I did not write Friday, but I read for about an hour and forty minutes.

Yesterday I was only able to read for about a half hour. I should here say that I owe God a lot for allowing me to persevere. His grace and His magnanimity are well appreciated. I hope that He will always be on my side and that I will always be on His side. I hope that He gives me courage. I hope that I will always be there for Him. I did not listen to music last night. Although I started to listen to Vivaldi’s Opus 8 No.’s 5- 12, I could not concentrate on it, so I guess that I will save that for tonight. The CD is a new one that I got with my new books from Borders.

Today I thought a lot about going to the weight room at Loomis Chaﬀee.

Yet in the end, surprise surprise, I decided to just go for a bike ride. My right knee hurt for part of the ride. I did not see Popee for long yesterday. He asked me if I was going to further my education, and I said that I was not sure or something like that. He was kind of confused when he went to show me a room, and he said that he was not sure if I had seen the house before. He showed me

his books in his study. He told me to sit down in his chair and asked if I was comfortable. He seemed pretty nice, and he has been through a lot no doubt this week.

The Pushkin book was pretty good though I did not understand some parts, and I really liked the part that described the duel between Evgeny and his former friend. Yesterday night I saw part of the worst movie that I had seen in a while. The movie was awful, but there was nothing else on. When there is nothing on television and nothing else to do, things can get hairy. Right now I would like nothing more than a big thunderstorm to shake things up. Lately I do not know what it is, but I have been feeling very nervous. I have felt really nervous and have a sort of fantastical excitement.

This is the way that I felt when I was getting psychotic before. So, I am kind of afraid of this feeling though I comfort myself with thinking that maybe I just feel fine and that it is nothing to worry about. In other words I can call myself either feeling nervous or good. So, I feel one of the two extremes. I wonder if my journal will ever be published though I should talk about Pushkin’s book. In Eugene Onegin, the main character and his love are talked about, and the writing is poetic. Tatyana, who had been Eugene’s object of aﬀection, turns out to become a woman in high society who is supremely unhappy and who would thus rather live a simple life in the country.

Eugene fell back in love with her while she was this numb society woman, but she and him were not meant to be together, thanks to destiny. She tells him how society is nothing but smoke and not worth anything, and she tells him how unhappy she is. Eugene had written her a letter in which he tells how he feels about her. She did not answer the first letter, so he wrote her some more. She is married because her family forced marriage upon her. I hope that I never get into an unhappy marriage. I do hope that I get married someday to a beautiful lady and that she is nice too, obviously.

Today I had a pretty good bike ride though my knee was kind of bothering me, and the culprit was my right knee. There were not many people on the River Trail today. I passed two obese people, who looked kindly enough. I rode down to the tobacco fields, and I passed a kind of awkward-looking man attempting to speed walk. I think that he was wearing long black pants and a black T-shirt. He looked like a motorcycle mechanic or rider. Anyway, the tobacco is all planted.

Each tobacco plant is held up by a white string that is fastened high up to the shield above the plants. There must have been a lot of work involved in getting the tobacco ready. I would not like to be a field hand, and I would probably like most to become involved in law or Wall Street. If I were to be involved in law, I might try Harvard Law School, as I was inspired by the book One L by Scott Turow. That gave me an idea of what Harvard Law School is like.

I was thinking today about going to the Loomis Chaﬀee weight room. That might have proven to be a fine change of scene, but I decided upon riding my bike instead, which is more sociopathic, if I may say so. In other words if I

wanted to be social, I could have gone to the weight room, where I might have met some of my old teachers. I do not know much about Pushkin other than that he did not write much and that he died in a duel. He has a good way of describing the country, which he idealizes.

I wonder how he would treat urban sprawl, as it is called today. Pushkin also idealizes Moscow, which is treated with great aﬀection. He also interestingly writes that there have yet been no good Russian writers. After him though there would be great Russian writers, and Pushkin in a way initiated this incline. I think that Pushkin acknowledges that there have been great French writers, and he quotes some French at the opening of some chapters. I guess that French is an important language to know even today. Russian is also important, and maybe it is more so now than it was before.

Today really is a beautiful day, and it is not too hot or too cold. I am wearing some cheap jeans, so I am taking a fashion break for today. I am wearing a decent T-shirt that I got from the Williams tennis camp in 1993, and I cannot believe that that was almost a decade ago. Things really go by fast. Then there is me and Trinity College. I cannot seem to break through and dedicate myself to going to college though I so really want to. I really want to go. I would do almost anything to go, but I feel so helpless with this illness. Moreover, I feel as if it is my fault both that I have this illness and that I cannot go to Trinity College with this illness. These jeans that I am wearing are almost funny-looking, and they are not stylish. The jeans are a dark blue, and they are almost girlish-looking. I look like a patsy, unfortunately. I kind of miss Latin and Greek.

Trinity College is building additions to its library, which should be great. I wonder how the additions are going to look. Yet I should not think about Trinity College too much, for my life here is all right. I am able to read and write in addition to exercising. Things are going well for me here, and I am healthy above all. I mean that physically I am well, and I hope that I am mentally well too. The two books that I think have influenced me a lot ever since I have read them are Le Morte D’ Arthur and the diary of Virginia Woolf.

Maybe their influence can even be seen in my writing. Well, tomorrow I have to go to the psychiatrist. Now is the time to conclude this about full entry. I will probably not write tomorrow because of my appointment. I hope that I can listen to some Vivaldi tonight. Today has been a success, which I hope that I will be able to duplicate during the week ahead. Today I am probably not going to do anymore academics, but I will probably rest. My mom and dad went to see Mamaw and Popee today. Maybe there will be a quality movie on tonight though I doubt it. Movies on television are for the most part subpar. Well, now I am oﬀ and will end my entry here. I wish the reader a fine day and a fine night. I hope that the reader continues his or her good ways, and I hope for good things to come for the reader. Now I am oﬀ. I will probably see the reader Tuesday, as I will probably write then. Bye bye.

Wednesday, July 18 2001

This week has been chaotic. I did not get to write yesterday, and I unfortunately got hooked up to America Online. Yesterday I walked in to Loomis and went on America Online, two things that I would rather not do unless forced to do so by circumstances. I might go to the Loomis library today. I feel as if I have no energy, but maybe things would look up if I went to the Loomis library.

Right now I feel awful. Last night I read Blake for about an hour and forty minutes at one sitting. Today all manner of sound has invaded my ears. Maybe I can write for two hours today if all goes well. Otherwise, I will have to make other plans. Yesterday, for lack of anything better to do, I went on the Internet, which is terrible and boring, and I should stay away from it. Blake is unique.

Yesterday I saw Loomis, which is deserted. The ugly fences were where some construction was going on.

Last night I slept pretty well though not stellarly. Maybe I should publish my journal, and I wonder if it could be published. Blake is a pretty good writer though he is unusual in his writing, and sometimes I cannot figure out what he is saying. Yesterday I went on the Internet to see the Trinity College and the Taft School websites, and I exercised for about fifty minutes total. After dinner last night I went to Loomis. I ran there, walked the campus, and then ran back for a total of about twenty minutes, and yesterday I also rode my bike for about a half hour.

The Trinity College website was pretty nice though I should probably stay away from the Internet. I might write for about two hours today if all goes well. Therefore, I might turn into a computer junkie. I was thinking about going to Loomis today, but I might not. Yesterday I rode my bike in the rain, but it was not raining very hard. My hair did not even get very wet. My reading of Blake a lot last night went well, and I guess that I like Blake because he presents a change in the normal subject matter for reading. There is nothing on the Internet that is worth seeing. All is awfully boring. The Internet is so slow, and most of it is trash just like the television. I signed up for it yesterday. Today is a beautiful day really.

I have got to find a way to keep up my academics. I certainly hope that I do not get psychotic again. If I had a choice of what to do, I would choose to go to college. I really want to return to Trinity College, but I just do not know if I am able to. I am looking forward to exercising today, and I hope that I will have a good bike ride. I am not going to see James Bozzuto for about a month because he is going on vacation. The Blake book seems to be edited badly because there are periods where there should not be any, yet I guess that the periods signify how Blake had originally started a new line.

Blake was an artist, and he was supposed to be a rebel, according the book.

One poem that interested me had the father put a curse on his sons, who hated the loathed father. I was thinking of going to Westfarms today, but I decided

against it. There is not much of too much of interest there. There is not much on the Internet of interest either. I kind of wanted to go to the Loomis library today. I guess that I will be going to Mamaw and Popee’s this weekend. I wonder how Popee’s bruises are doing, and they are probably pretty clear by this time.

I hope that this entry is not too boring. I thank God for His goodness towards me. He is benevolent, and I owe Him a lot. I hope that I will always look up to Him surely. I hope that He will always view me in a positive light, and I hope that He will always care for me. I am looking forward to going out on a bike ride. My bike is doing well. Yesterday I passed a woman whom I had seen a lot before on the River Trail, and she was walking on the trail. I think that I also passed a woman who had a cellular phone. She had been talking on it one time I passed, I think, but the next time that I passed she was only holding it.

Yesterday when I was at Loomis, I was reminded of my psychosis by a gate there that I remember was such a big part of my psychosis. The green gate by Founders is what I am talking about. So, the visit to Loomis yesterday kind of scared me. The campus looked well groomed. I saw some boys and girls there who looked so very young. Blake might have been more of an artist than a writer. On the cover of my book there is a painting of his, which is quite nice. The book is quite long. There was not much that happened on my appointment with the psychiatrist. My dad brought me there to this appointment that was at around noon. I did not really want to drive that early. I got myself into a big jam with the Internet yesterday, for now I am signed up for two Internet services. I asked my mom to cancel one of them for me. I want the Sprint account closed. There is no use for it, for it does not even work. What is pretty annoying about America Online is that it does not start up sometimes. I got up probably very early in the morning by a dog, and I hope that that does not happen again. I still have good dreams. I am looking forward to going for a bike ride today.

I hope that writing for about two hours is not too much. I do not want to be in front of the screen for too long. My computer is an iMac. There is not much to do on the Internet though I suppose that there are some uses for it. I wonder what Mamaw and Popee are doing now. My mom is at work, and my dad is at home. I think that it is wonderful how nature works. Everything is so beautiful out except for the roads and buildings that men make. Nature left alone works wonders, though, and I am glad that I am in an age where the earth is still in pretty good shape. Yet all that toxic smoke going up in the air from fuel does not help.

The holes in the ozone layer will surely get worse unless something is done about pollution, and I feel for the environment. Already much of nature is being destroyed to make way for big business and ugly buildings. I just feel that more of nature should be preserved, especially endangered species. I am starting to feel kind of tired right now, and I just hope that I will be able to continue with my journal entry. I cannot wait to go outside, as it looks like a wonderful day out.

I hope that tomorrow I will be able to read some of Blake though I do not think that I will read Blake today.

I did not listen to any CDs last night, but on Monday night I listened to three CDs because the cable was not working. I listened to Vivaldi’s Opus 8 (Concertos 5-12), to Mozart’s symphonies No’s. 25, 26, 27, and 29, and to a Vivaldi CD of concertos with Opus 3 (No. 10), Cello Concerto in C minor, RV 569, RV 539, Opus 4 (No. 1), and RV 537. I do not know how his works are classified, but RV stands for a work among his many works. I just copied those works down from the CD. Anyway, on Monday I listened to a whole lot of music. I probably listened to over three hours of music at once on Monday. So, my life has been very chaotic of late though I am trying to find a way to survive. Maybe this two- hour entry makes up for a lack of writing here lately, when I have written only Thursday and Sunday recently. I hope that this entry is not too boring. I am pleasantly surprised that I am able to write for so long.

Blake is kind of strange, and his works are strange in some ways. It is apparent that Blake was a religious man from his Songs of Innocence, and he has a fine way with words. The poem called Tiriel was interesting. This father had put a curse on his sons, and their family was miserable. The sons hated the father, and the father put a curse on his sons. The father went through the wilderness a lot, and he met up with a family. I think that he also met up with his brother. He complained of his position. I think that he died at the end of the long poem.

There were some poems that were hard to read, so I skipped these. The poems were too random for me and would be for anyone. I do not know why they were included in the book. So, I skipped some pages. I liked the poem called The Book of Thel. In this poem the girl talks to various things in nature, like a cloud, a worm, and the earth.

Nature is written as a very important ingredient. All things are connected, and that all things are important seemed to be a moral of the poem. I liked the poem “King Edward III,” which reminded me of my kin the poet Edward Taylor. Not by the content but by the name. The poem was about King Edward going against the King of France, so that about sums up my reading in Blake. I hope that tomorrow I will be able to read some and that I will be able to see Mamaw and Popee this Saturday. I will not be seeing James Bozzuto much, as he is going to the cape. He will be back in about a month, and he wrote me some prescriptions for Zyprexa in case I needed them.

On Monday he said that he would be happy if I went back to school. He asked me about how my anxiety was, about tennis, and about what book I was reading. Today really is a beautiful day, and I hope that my bike ride goes well. Now is about time to end this entry. I hope that the reader is doing well and that I will be able to write tomorrow. So, I am now probably through with academics for the day, and I will probably watch a lot of television today. I will likely see the reader tomorrow. I hope that I will have a good bike ride. I hope that there will

not be too many people on the River Trail. Now I am oﬀ, but I am glad that I got to write today. I hope that the reader continues to read this journal. Bye bye.

Thursday, July 19 2001

Hi. These days certainly have been chaotic. Today I read for about an hour and a half. Also, I walked to Loomis to get a drink in the SNUG though I do not think that I will return to Loomis soon. I spent about twenty-three minutes in my jaunt to Loomis, and I rode my bike for about a half hour. On my bike ride I was extremely slow, and I could barely move the pedals. I did only two loops today, and I rode some down Broad Street. Blake is pretty good though I can see how some people see him as a rebel. His views on religion seem to be very liberal. I passed a couple of Loomis students on the bridge to Loomis, and one said “Hi.” I said “Hi” but not loudly, and they took this as a sign of stupidity and grunted after I passed them. At least I thought that their grunts were making fun of me. I passed a couple of Asian girls and a black girl. This group seemed in light spirits after one nearly tripped on the ground from her shoe, and the girls did not seem to mind me there.

Then I went into the SNUG and took a drink from the water fountain. I was going to buy a drink, but there were no good drinks for sale. The SNUG was nearly deserted with only the bookstore seeming to be open. I saw Barbara Snow, the person who works in the bookstore. There were two other people in the SNUG who were students, and she said something to them. There really are not many people at Loomis right now. I wonder what all of the faculty and students are doing if they are doing anything good. Tonight I guess that there will be a concert in town, which will be very annoying, and I guess that there will be concerts every Thursday.

I am disappointed at how my bike ride turned out today, for I was extremely slow and felt like giving up several times. I mean that I was so tired that I felt like stopping. The feeling of being on a tranquilizer is very strange, and I just feel like someone is slowing me down. Last night I had meat and pasta for dinner. Today to Loomis I wore my Adidas sandals, my J. Crew blue shorts, and my Umbro T-shirt. I looked stylish, but no one was there to notice. Tonight I am just going to watch a lot of television. I will try to listen to some Mozart quintets. I hope that that concert is not going to be too loud. Reading Blake is no easy matter. I might have found it easy at first, but now it is getting more challenging to read.

Tonight I guess that I will watch the news and “Law and Order” among other things. So today has turned out to be a good day though it started out with me struggling reading Blake, yet I have been able to read Blake this afternoon and was able to get in enough exercise with my biking and going to Loomis. I hope that next time I get to go faster on the bike. I do not know if the weight room at Loomis is open, for many entranceways to it are closed. Today is a

beautiful day, and I was able to wear this T-shirt the whole day. I have been watching that “Beverly Hills 90210” a lot, and it depresses me because these young adults are doing so much. That is what I do not like about television. The people on the show are just actors, and I have to remember that.

I wonder what is for dinner tonight. Of course, I still think about Trinity College a lot. This one quite long poem that I was reading was hard to understand, and it was called The French Revolution. I think that it had to do with the French trying to decide whether to fight this war. I sensed that there was also tension between the nobility and the normal people. They decide to station men outside of Paris. I liked the imagery of the poem, which at times was quite grotesque. I wonder if even Blake knew what he was writing about.

This morning I read for about fifty-two minutes, and this afternoon I read for about thirty-three minutes. I am now probably done with academics for the day and night. Right now it looks kind of dark out, and maybe some rain will come by. Maybe some thunderstorms will come on through, so maybe I should do my rain dance. I feel awfully tired in the mornings, and any sort of set schedule does not seem much possible anymore. Yet maybe it is possible. So, I did go to Loomis today, and I found that it was deserted. The campus looks well enough though there are surely not many kids there at Loomis. Now I am oﬀ.

Well, I got about a half entry done today. I wish the reader well. I am probably through with academics for the day. I will try to write tomorrow. I hope that my sanity holds. Hopefully, my sanity will hold. I will probably see the reader tomorrow. Bye bye.

Friday, July 20 2001

I am not feeling too well physically right now. I probably caught something from the water fountain yesterday. I feel tired, and I have a slight headache. Today I read Blake for about an hour. I feel pretty lousy right now. I was able to ride my bike today. Right now I feel awfully tired. I listened to some Mozart quintets last night. I hope that I do not get sick because I want to go to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. I really do not want to get sick. Maybe I will be all right. My parents are visiting my sister today; they will be gone the entire day and will be back for dinner. I wish that I was feeling better. I am writing awfully slowly today. So, my visit to Loomis yesterday was kind of fruitless. Also, looking up Taft on the Internet was kind of dumb.

I passed what looked like a father and his daughter on bikes on the River Trail. The man seemed to have nodded to me. I thought that I heard a dog in the woods, but it turned out to be a mistake. I wonder where my parents are going to meet my sister. I think that she works in a restaurant. I feel so tired. Sometimes I think back on Hamilton and wish that it would have worked out. I think that if I had stayed there, I might not have gotten schizophrenia. Then I would have merely studied schizophrenia in my psychology class instead of having it. I

remember that Introduction to Psychology class. I just wish that I could have stayed at Hamilton, and I remember how much I liked that golf class there. It is too bad that I had to go. I even liked the Brass Choir that I was in, and the nice instructor gave me a scholarship for free lessons. I think that the instructor’s name was Stephen Bonta. Now I am at home and trying to get an education here at home.

Now Hamilton is a distant memory. That was about five years ago although it seems so close. At least I got a diploma. I have basically no regrets about Loomis, except for the last two terms in which I acted terribly both in and out of the classroom. At Hamilton I remember the dorm meetings. I remember that guy, from Deerfield Academy, who acted nice, but I was not so sure of his character. I remember my easy Latin I class. I remember my English class, and when the class met in the student center. I remember going to a show with a nice girl from Hamilton. I feel bad that all of that is over and done with, yet I should not have spite. If I did not have this illness, who knows where I would be now. I am one of the lucky ones among those with schizophrenia, for I am not in the mental hospital. I am out on my own and doing things. Some people with this terrible disease are in the mental hospital and will be there for a long time. I am merely afraid that if I get psychotic something terrible might happen to me like dying. I do not want to die early in my life.

Today my bike ride went better than yesterday, as I had more energy and was able to do three loops. There are many things that I regret that I did while at Loomis. Also, at Hamilton I wish that I did not have the hard times that I faced. Maybe I should have tried to have a single room at Hamilton instead of four roommates, and then maybe I would have stayed there till graduation. If I had not gotten involved in some pointless parties at Loomis, then maybe I would have made cum laude. I feel bad that I did so well at Loomis for almost all of my time there, but then ended on a sour note. I certainly ended Hamilton sadly. Yet not on a sour note. I remember my low point at Hamilton when I had to sleep in another person’s room because my room was packed. I had to sleep in the room in the floor below mine. I got extremely anxious in the room, which I was in with someone else. I felt absolutely terrible that night, and I do not even like to think about it.

At Trinity College, I was too involved in academics. At least at Hamilton I had some friends and was quite social. At Hamilton too I did good work while I was there, yet Trinity College was a place where, unfortunately, I concentrated too much on grades like I never have before. I got a lot of A’s, but I did not care about friends. I consider my behavior at Trinity College as a low point in my life, and if I ever return there, I will surely act better. I know that if I return there I will act better, and I will try to talk as much as I can. When I went there, I did not appreciate the people, but only wanted to get A’s. I was not too compassionate or nice there. Yet now I am not searching for A’s, but instead have a good balance of working and watching television. Now at least I am not

striving for only grades, but keep my hopes up that I will meet some friends in the future.

At Trinity College, I did not care as much for possible friends as for grades.

Anyway, at Hamilton I remember the cafeteria. I remember getting food there, and I think that the food was pretty good there. I sat a lot with my roommates. I ate a lot at the cafeteria at the ugly part of campus. Sometimes I sat with diﬀerent people. I think that my instrumental group met near the cafeteria, and I remember trying out for the Brass Choir that I made. When I was attempting to make the Brass Choir, I had to sight-read a piece, and I had to see how long I could keep up one note. I did well on the piece, except for I read the key signature wrong. The instructor let me play the piece over, and I am pretty sure that I played it right the second time. I do not feel as sick now as I did before.

Maybe I did not get sick from the water fountain. The vending machines for drinks were not very good. There used to be a Veryfine juice machine there, but not anymore, which is too bad.

Today I read Blake, and the piece that I am reading now called America is very hard to understand and is so random. In the piece, Blake describes this person all shackled up in irons. Then he depicts what I guess is supposed to be a goddess. The piece is quite confusing, and I do not see what it has to do with America. I know that he uses a lot of metaphor, but what he means by the poem is beyond me. The piece before was a blasphemous piece, which talked about heaven and hell, and it was filled with imagery. It is kind of disappointing that Blake’s attitude towards religion reminds me of Shelley’s and Nietzsche’s attitude. Yet Blake talks about his assertions in religion quite smartly, and he provokes a lot of thought with his vivid imagery.

I have a headache right now, but I hope that I am not getting sick. Blake’s writings are quite diﬀerent from others that I have read. It makes a diﬀerence that he was a painter, and one of his paintings is on the cover of the book. I can now see why Blake was depicted as a rebel, for his attitude on religion appears rebellious. He talks about proverbs from hell and mentions his visions on the nature of demons and angels. I feel squeamish even talking about it. After I finish writing this entry, I think that I will be through with academics for the rest of the day. I probably will do no more academics after this entry.

I wonder when the United States Open for tennis will be and when Agassi and Sampras will retire. I will bet that Sampras will retire after this year, and Agassi probably will too. I am looking forward to going to Mamaw and Popee’s tomorrow. My parents are supposed to be home before dinner. Last night there was a concert in town, but it was not blasting. I wonder what was played at the concert. Now I have got to end my entry. I am not feeling too bad right now. I hope that I do not get sick. I wonder if James Bozzuto is in Cape Cod right now, and I will not be seeing him for a while. I see him in late August, so I will surely have more time for academics. I wonder when my parents are going to be home and when I will have dinner tonight. Maybe my parens will bring back a dinner

from where they went today. Well, I am oﬀ now. Tonight I will probably watch television. I probably will not write tomorrow because I will probably be at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I am oﬀ now. Bye bye.

Sunday, July 22 2001

Today has been a challenge for various reasons. I was swooning in bed today for a while before I was able to pick up my book. Also, everyone wants me to return to Trinity College, but they do not understand how hard that is for me. It is very hard for me to do that. It is a big challenge. I do not know if I will be able to return there, but it looks bleak. I want to return, but I cannot. I would give almost anything to be able to return to Trinity College, yet it appears so hard to return. Yesterday Mamaw tried to get me to go back, and I cited my illness as being the problem along with the tiredness from the medicine. She still wants me to try to return. Also, my parents seem to want me to return. I just wish that I did not have this illness that prevents me from doing what I want. Maybe a cure will be found for my illness. I know that Trinity College cannot keep me on medical leave for much longer. I just feel so much pressure from my family to go. I hate this pressure really.

Yesterday I watched tons of television. I have tried many times in the past to go to Trinity College, and I just could not stick to my decisions. Maybe I need to be on more medicine or something. Maybe I am downright stupid for not going to college. Maybe I am a fool, but maybe I am smart. That saying of Shakespeare might go something like the fools leading the blind. Well, I am certainly an enlightened fool. On my about half-hour bike ride today I saw Mrs. Thurber. She was with a group of bikers, and they were resting by the bridge near Bart’s.

The Thurbers are pretty good friends with my parents. The call from Trinity College could come every day now and say that I can no longer be a student there, so it is up to me to try to return and get my college degree. My whole family wants me to go to college, but they do not seem to ask for my feelings. They certainly do not understand this illness. I am an incurable shy man. I am just too shy to go to Trinity College. I am also too shy to go much of anywhere, yet I have no excuse for not going to Trinity College. Yet I have one good excuse, which is I have schizophrenia.

Today is very hot, and what is needed is some rain. My parents want me to return to college, but I feel so helpless. Of course, I do not want to let my grandparents and parents down, but I do not want to do something that will drive me psychotic. Too much pressure is not good. I just do not feel ready to go to school twice a week or even once per week. I have a hard enough time with going twice a week places. I feel tired right now, and I have lately been thinking about college constantly. That cannot be good for my mind. Yesterday I had some good watermelon at Mamaw and Popee’s house. I feel awfully tired right

now. Lately, there has been this woman singing nearly the whole day, yet I did not hear her today. Today the church music did not play, but it plays the other six days of the week. I saw a yellow bird on my bike ride today, and I accidentally almost ran into it. The bird seemed frightened as I would be. There is some ugly metal piping on part of my bike ride now, and I find this addition to be ugly. Last night I did not listen to any music, but tonight I think that I will listen to some Mozart quintets.

Yesterday my dad said that my professors at Trinity College would help me if needed and that they respect me. My dad wants me to take a course at Trinity College, but his idea is poor because he does not want me to take a regular course. If I do return to college, I want to take a regular course like all the rest of the people. My mom does not seem to have an opinion on the matter, and Popee thinks that I should return to college. Today is a beautiful day. I am still reading Blake, and I kind of like his poetry. I like his poems about chaos and the beginning of the universe. The writing is kind of like mythology, where there was chaos at the beginning of time and then the creation of man though Blake’s names for chaos and so on are not the ones that I have studied.

The names are quite unique, and they are not from Greek or Roman mythology. One name is Orc, another Los. The poetry seems to explain some of his paintings, and maybe indeed they are meant to compliment Blake’s paintings. Blake had a very vivid imagination, and he is a rebel in his views on religion. He talks about both chaos and Christianity in his poems. I feel so tired right now. I think that it is hard to talk about Blake’s poems because his poems are so strange and because he describes so much. His poems talk a lot about fireballs, the earth, the sky, and the emotions of the primal forces.

Today on my bike ride I passed a lot of people on the River Trail. I did not confine my ride to the River Trail, but went down the street. On the trail, I passed a couple with an infant. I also passed a young couple, but I am not sure if they were married. There was an old man who passed me on his bike, and even that old man was in better shape than I was. I think that he had a mountain bike too. The Tour De France is going on now, and I think that Lance Armstrong is the leader. I saw a couple stop by the river and stop to look at it, and they had a little toddler with them. I would guess that she was a girl and that she was about six years old. She was quite small and was on the neck of the mother or father, but she was probably on the neck of the father.

Yesterday I went to Mamaw and Popee’s. I asked Popee something like if he liked golf, and I think that he said that he did but that it was too expensive these days. He asked me if I played golf, and I said that I did at Hamilton. He did not know what this was, so I said that it was the college. Then he seemed to recognize it. Mamaw yesterday tried to get me to return to college, and my whole family was trying to get me to go. Today I read Blake for about an hour. I think that Blake is all right, but I still cannot find anything special about him though

he is unique. I just think that poetry is all right but that it cannot equal the simplicity and force of novels.

Well, I have got to end this entry now. I hope that I will be able to write tomorrow. Yesterday there was not much on television. Maybe I will return to Trinity College in the end, and I think that that would be a fine thing. Tonight I will think about whether I wish to or not. I hope that there will be a cure for schizophrenia so that I can get oﬀ of this terrible medicine; I hate the medicine more than ever now. Anyway, I am oﬀ now. I wish the knight or maiden fine tidings. I will probably see the reader tomorrow unless circumstances or thoughts get in the way. Bye bye.

Monday, July 23 2001

Today was disappointing. I did not understand Blake today. Then I turned to Browning, and I could not understand him either. So, I want to bring back my books to Borders tonight. Right now I feel depressed because all I have been able to think of is returning to college. I cannot get that out of my mind, and it has invaded my every dendrite and synapse. So, the day has been pretty bad. I want to go to Borders tonight to bring back my books. For lunch today I had a tuna- fish sandwich. Anyway, I wonder if my mom is up for bringing me to Borders.

I want to get some novels. I have been thinking constantly about Trinity College. Everything is Trinity this and Trinity that. That is all that I can think of. I keep trying to tell myself to return there, but I always hear a voice that tells me that I cannot do it. If I keep up my current habits, I will not be able to return because I seem to do so many rituals. I am like an ascetic. I do not get the phone or talk much. I am afraid that I am missing out on a great opportunity. Missing going to Trinity is too bad. I just do not think now that I will be able to return though I really want to. I keep thinking about Trinity, and I cannot get it oﬀ of my mind. The thoughts threaten to drive me crazy. These people think that it would be so easy to return to college, but little do they know how much thinking about returning tears me up inside.

Today is really hot out. I went for a bike ride for about a half hour today. I passed Louise Moran and Mrs. Ross, who were walking and talking together. I want to go to the bookstore tonight, and I hope that I will be able to. I hope that my mom will want to go. I might be just stupid for not returning to college, just stupid. Maybe I am wasting my time trying to keep up a reading, writing, and exercising so-called schedule.

I could be wasting my time. Maybe going to college is the answer. I could talk to people in college. Maybe I could have someone, like Mary Thomas, read my journal. Today I think that I swooned in bed for over an hour. The feeling is terrible, and while I am swooning, I am so tired. When I am like this, I want to read, but I do not have the motivation. So, today has been a sort of failure, yet at least I can get some good books tonight. I guess that Borders would be the right

place to go since there I can bring back all those that books I got. There were some people walking on the River Trail today though there were not many people there.

I rode my bike three loops. I wore my blue Adidas soccer shorts and my Florida State football T-shirt that I bought in Florida. My dad was out for a lot of today, but he is back now. I just did not understand Blake today because he was too random, and I do not see how anyone can understand him. I need to buy some novels that I can understand. I tried reading Browning, but I did not understand his book either. So, things are not going too well for me right now. I already need new books.

I wonder if my mom will bring me to the bookstore, which is in Manchester and which does not take long to get there. Blake was so dense that I just could not read anymore. Browning was impossible to understand also. I guess that I do not like poetry, except for Keats and Pushkin. Even those guys are not my favorite authors. I am going to keep the Pushkin book Eugene Onegin, which I read. Last night I did not listen to music, but I want to listen to music tonight. I guess that one can get too much of music.

I do not know what to do about Trinity College, and I might be a stupid person even though I try to keep up academics. I might not be doing hardly any academics even though I try, and so I might be stupid. I hope that these thoughts of Trinity College will not torment me anymore, and I hope that some relief does come from them. Maybe people would stop pressuring me to go to Trinity College if they would read my journal. Now I have to end this entry. I am only writing for about a half hour today, so I have about a half entry. Today has been somewhat disappointing, as I said, but hopefully things will be all right.

Tomorrow maybe will be better too. I am oﬀ now, but not before wishing the reader a belated wish that he or she is progressing well. Tonight I will probably listen to some of Mozart’s quintets and probably watch some television. Now I am oﬀ. Bye bye.

Thursday, July 24 2001

Hi. This morning I was swooning for sure, and I see no end in sight for swooning in the morning. Today somehow I was able to read Hawthorne for about an hour. I decided to take up The House of the Seven Gables again, and I have decided to try to complete the novel. I feel pretty tired right now, and it is a very hot and humid day. I was able to ride my bike for about a half hour today. I did not get to go to the bookstore yesterday because my mom went to Mamaw and Popee’s. Hopefully, I will get to go to the bookstore on Saturday.

I think that I will also see Mamaw and Popee then. God has been the strength in my life. He has helped me through rough times, and He guides me along. I look up to Him very much, and I hope that I will always look up to Him. I hope that He will be there for me with His grace. I do not know what books I

am going to get. I certainly am not going to buy any poetry, which I cannot understand. I saw some people on the River Trail today. I saw some kids who were running and rollerblading.

Today was extremely hot, and I wanted to stay in the shade on the River Trail. If I had not gone on the River Trail, I would have burned up riding on the concrete. The River Trail had a lot of shade. I did three loops today. The marsh was really green. I have been thinking about returning to Trinity College. My bike is getting old, and maybe for my birthday I can get a new one. My obsessions in this entry are annoying, making me write diﬀerent things. My bike has some dirt on it. I wonder what people think of my bike. The dirt is mainly on the crank shaft, and there is not much on the body. Speaking of bikes, I think that Lance Armstrong is winning the tour. Anyway, Hawthorne’s book is pretty good. It is kind of boring, but at least I understand it. I should be through with the book soon. I just read the part where Phoebe left Cliﬀord and Hepzibah for the country though she plans on returning soon.

I just had an attack of those obsessions, as I was complaining about the cursor switching on and oﬀ when left alone. Anyway, I guess that I will have to deal with it. Last night I did not feel like listening to music though probably tonight I will listen to it. Last night there was a very good movie on television on ABC. I think that that is the name of the channel that it was on. The movie was about these two men stuck in the woods and having to survive. So, even though today started out extremely rough, it has been a more successful day than yesterday in the academics aspect.

Yesterday night instead of going to Borders I went on a run and walk. I passed a very attractive young woman who was walking her dog and who might be Alice Baxter’s daughter. I also ran into Mrs. Simon. She asked me if I was running, and I said that I was but that I was just walking now. She remarked on how hot it was, and then she asked me what people call me. I replied “Jon.” Then she said that I have not changed at all, and then I laughed. Then she wished me a nice evening.

Yesterday I noticed how very beautiful the sky and the trees were- away from all of the urban sprawl no doubt. I am wearing my black Adidas sandals, my khaki shorts, and my Trinity T-shirt. As if I did not think about Trinity College enough already. I am thinking that if I return to Trinity College, I will need to be on Zoloft or Prozac. These would maybe help with my obsessions and anxiety, yet if I do not like how they make me feel, I will obviously ditch them.

Then I would likely not return to Trinity College. I wonder how old Zoloft is. Prozac is really old. Those drugs take weeks to work. These obsessions are so annoying.

This morning was horrific. I woke up early, ate breakfast, and then was so tired that I sat in bed. The reader can guess the rest. I decided to put my head down for about seven minutes and ended up staying in bed, I think, for about forty-nine minutes. My obsessions make me not put the right amount of time

because of the way the letters look together. Anyway, the reader can get the point. When I was lying in bed, I was paralyzed. I could barely move, and that feeling is so helpless. I did get up, though, but I did not feel very good.

Somehow I was able to pick up Hawthorne’s book and read it. Today was challenging, to say the least.

There is some fix-up work being done on the Marchettis’ house. I wonder how my grandparents are doing now, and I wonder what they are doing. I look forward to seeing them Saturday. James Bozzuto left for vacation at a bad time, for I did not get to tell him about my obsessions. I wonder what medicine he would prescribe for me. I heard of Zoloft from television commercials for it. Of course, I have heard of Prozac, which has an infamous reputation of being a drug that can change one’s personality. I am taking a horrid drug that makes me lame, yet it is also good in that I can live pretty well with it.

Yesterday I wrote about a half entry.

I am probably not going to read Blake anymore. I just cannot understand his writing. I think that this means that I am probably going to quit poetry. If I do deign to read poetry again, it will probably be in a poetry course at a college. I wonder if a cure will ever be found for schizophrenia. For that matter, I wonder if a cure will be found for obsessive-compulsive disorder or anxiety. Certainly, I could benefit from a cure. I wonder if my journal will ever be published, and if I will ever be put on more medicine in the form of Prozac or Zoloft. I still do not know if I really want to take these drugs, for they might make me too tired or too ill. I wish that these scientists would get on the ball and come out with some new medicines.

Boy, is it hot in this room. I mean that it is really hot and humid. I need some new shoes, but I kind of do not want to ask for them though maybe I should ask. That way I can feel good about the shoes that I wear. If I got new shoes, I would get Nike Air Maxes. I wonder how much Zoloft costs, but it would certainly not be as much as Zyprexa. I wonder how much Seraquil costs. I think that I have gotten the name right. Now I have got to conclude this entry. I am glad that I got about a full entry in today.

I will probably be through with academics after I complete this entry. I guess that tonight I will watch some television. I hope that I will be able to listen to some Mozart quintets. I kind of wish that there would be more coverage of the Tour De France. I hope that I have a pretty good night tonight. I will see the

reader tomorrow likely. Although my mornings certainly are hard, maybe in the future circumstances will look up, and I will have good mornings. I am oﬀ now. I wish the reader well. I hope that the rest of the day and night will be all right.