Chapter 3 - Make My Game

A Chapter by Jonathan Faust

Ok. You may have noticed that I haven’t written anything in about seven months. You’ve definitely noticed that.

That’s because I had to move my computer and I forgot how to put it back together again and I plugged the wireless USB thing into the wrong hole* and I broke it.

Basically, without the internet and porn and internet porn I’ve had no inspiration to write a romantic novel. I recently got a new dongle from work so I’m back on the internet. I didn’t steal it. The dongle I mean.

While I was not writing a top class romantic novel, I was designing and producing my own computer game. In that time I also discovered that it takes a lot of time and effort to produce a computer game and also a lot of skills that I do not have. So I now present to you my computer game design in the hopes that the Internet will finish making it.

*that’s what she said.

Game design document:

Game Title: Dicksplosion!

Protagonist: Dick Splosion (his name is like the title, how crazy is that?)

Character Bio: This is the character the camera follows. Like a literal floating camera crew will follow him. Other characters will probably want to comment on this. Also he will have a cool scar/tattoo combo and look good shirtless. If you’ve read any Twilight, he is everything Twilight isn’t.

Bad Guy: Tyranno Bloodrex

Character Bio: I figure he’s a Scientist who really likes Dinosuars, or else he’s a MMA champ who uses moves that have Dinosaur sounding names, it depends on what kind of game this turns out to be. F**k it, he’s a giant Dinosaur. That’s the easiest and most straightforward thing to do. He’s a giant Dinosaur Scientist who knows MMA.

Female Object: Moxy Amplepeach

Character Bio: No, he’s a Scientist who gets turned into a Dinosaur. A giant Dinosaur. He’s experimenting with adding MMA genes to Dinosaurs and it all goes horribly wrong and that starts his whole comic-book-s**t-spiral-into-madness. That’ll do.

Note: All of the characters middle names are ‘F*****g’. Go back and read them again knowing this. Classic, right?

Plot/Setting: You start off on top of a high rise building, either in hell (like in actual hell) or in the future, either way the building is a gun, ammo and medi-pack factory that also clones Hitler in the basement. The factory is a front for the Hitler cloning.

Every bad guy in the game is either Hitler or a Dinosaur.

The main character, Staff Sergeant Splosion (comma) Dick has a robot heart that runs on Gasoline and whiskey, so he has to drink at liter of either every twenty minutes. He has to run around picking up whiskey bottles and just chug them.

The entire factory is staffed by robots who also run on petroleum and petroleum based liquor so there’s plenty about.

Commander Splosion can cannabalise the robots and add parts to himself, even though he’s not a robot.

I’m going to make this clear. The robots are by no means the bad guys, they are factory workers with no means of defense, the first few hours of the game should basically be you sealing the doors to the building and stalking the catwalks of the factory picking off robots here and there in the satanic glow of the Hitler-smelting furnaces. Basically the robots will be running around robo-shitting themselves while you descend from the rafters like f*****g BATMAN killing them and using their parts to make hydraulic face-punching arms and piston rams.

After you kill all of the 13 floors of increasing unarmed robots (going down remember) you end up in Dinotown, a subterranien city where albino-dino people live in makeshift slums, existing purely on the industrial runoff of the factory above.

They are frail and you are a mighty killing machine. If they do not accept you as their leader (they won’t) then you must make an example of them by killing them all and destroying every artifact from their culture. And also any evidence that they ever existed. And also any witnesses.

But Jonny, you ask, how will they be an example to people if you kill all the people? Exactly, you will have killed ALL THE PEOPLE.

Finally you stumble across Tyrrano Bloodrex and his evil plans to kill Hitler or whatever, he’s kidnapped Girl’s Name and is trying to build more helpless robots. You chase him through a castle in the past (or the present depending on the setting) and have a final showdown on top of the same building you start the game on.

And you kill the s**t out of him. You kill him every which way. You kill him and then grab a defibrillator and zap him back to life, and nurse him back to health, and stick by his side through months of painful physiotherapy, just so you can kill him again!

You kill him so hard.

But one of his robots came through the time vortal (portex?) with him and as you walk into the sunset with Sex Object the robot gets to work building the factory which in years to come will be full of robots, because of you! Genius I know, I’m like M. Night Shamalamalan before he went all s**t.

Sample One-Liners:

“Eat boot, scum!”

“I came hear to kick a*s and chew bubble gum, and I’m all stocked up on loco!”

“Blaster? I hardly know ‘er!”

“I AM THE BAT!”

“Strippers? Please”

“Eat flaming Katana Dino Scum!”

“You're Fucked Now Hitler!”

“Say hello to my Giant Dong!”

“Your Schnitzel is Kaput!”

“!!!”

Platform: Xbox Live?