Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

Hey, just to say I totally had the entire rest of this book written but then I started doing some research into other girl-porn books out there and it turns out no-ones into pirates anymore.

 

I know, right?

 

Everyone wants vampires who are hot and sulky and have a genuine fear of sex. I think. I did some fairly cursory research (that’s how committed I am).

 

I’m going to change the format of the story around a bit, I think I’ve developed the characters enough to keep them on board and frankly it’s easier than starting again.

 

So Parry isn’t a Pirate anymore, now he’s a 400 year old vampire-wasp with the body of a skinny white kid and a dong that needs it’s own sleeve. He is sworn to protect the world from the honey-grubbing claws of the were-bees. So basically he’s half vampire, half wasp, all dong.

 

Also I forget what I said the girl is so from now on she’s an American high school student in ‘America High’ (If I made up that name I call copyright dibs, if it’s already a thing I’m stealing it).

 

Back to the Story…

 

Lilly Fullbottom walked the halls of America High. The walls were lined with wooden doors and lockers. Extras were busy looking like they were sorting books and going to class.

 

Then she saw him, Parry Thrustingsworth. He was standing in the middle of the hallway in front of her, staring. His smouldering, amber eyes stared into here soul. His pale smouldering face smouldered with what she thought looked like hunger. The man was clearly a vampire.

 

She tried to avoid his gaze but he was seriously just standing there in the middle of the hallway, staring at this girl, nostrils flaring as he was breathing quite heavily now. She batted here eyes. He smouldered some more. By the time she turned to leave he was hunched over slightly, muscles tensed, just panting furiously. His chin was up so he could stare the s**t out of her. He bared his spittle flecked teeth (which were also wasp stingers) for all to see.

 

This is what girls like? Some gaunt fruitcake in skinny jeans mentally raping them in a school corridor. Of all the things I’ve plagiarized this is by far the easiest. I don’t even have to write about sex, I just have to describe some hipster Dracula kid for 200 pages.

 

As she walked away she took one look back over her shoulder.  The dude’s body was f*****g oscillating, he was heaving up and down with each pant, his fists were shaking violently by his sides, he looked like he was violently trying to prevent himself from crapping his pants by inducing an aneurysm. There was steam actually coming off him at this stage. His mighty dong was fighting against the skinniness of his jeans, she could see it extending down his leg. It reached his right knee and stopped, trying to break free from the constricting denim. His dong was so strong it actually raised his leg off the ground. He stood there, one leg on the floor, the other pointing at her as she walked away. He started shaking his fists up and down and making grunting noises. Steam was radiating from his entire body. He started hopping in time with his smouldering.

 

“Who was that guy?” Lilly wondered aloud.

“That’s Parry” said Lady Gaga, who is now in the story because I’m down with the kids.

 

“Parry?” repeated Lilly. Get used to that, she’s a fairly empty vessel for the purposes of this story.

 

“Yeah, Parry Thrustingsworth. He lives up on the hill in the old Donnelly house” chimed Lady Gaga helpfully. All cool and probably wearing some kind of stupid hat.

 

“Wow, there’s something about him, that’s so…”

 

“Smouldery?” Gaga finished her sentence.

 

You can get used to this inane s**t as well, it seems to act as a segue between descriptions of how ridiculously hot and unapproachable the vampire dudes are.

 

“Yeah, he’s so hot and unapproachable, I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s his smouldering eyes or the way his dong seems to want to rip free of his binding clothing and wave around like a lamb shank in a paint mixer”

 

“Maybe it’s his antennae” offered Ms. Gaga.

 

“Maybe, I’m Lilly by the way…”

 

“I hear his dong has a spine”

 

“Wow, really? I’m Lilly, and you are?”

 

“None of the girls here have a chance with Parry but, I think you do”

 

I know that’s not based on anything other than the fact that she is a brunette but I’m trying to move the story along here. Now they’re eating lunch.

 

“I think you’re wonderful” Lady Gaga said with a broad smile, her eyes fixed on Lilly “What do you think guys?”

Everyone at the table agreed

 

“Who are you people? What are your names?” Lilly replied modestly.

 

Just then Parry came into the room with a bunch of people who were pale and dressed funny and a little too over-familiar with each other in a way that made it obvious that they were vampires.

 

“That’s the Donnelly family” Nameless Girl #3 pointed out.

 

“They're weird” added Lady Gaga like a f*****g narrator.

 

Parry caught sight of Lilly four tables away, she shot him a coy smile and looked away in a shy coy, sort of manner. Like a fish I guess.

 

Parry’s face distended into a grimace of horrendous pain. He stared at the back of her head until the entire room felt uncomfortable. The table in front of him was launched into the air by his powerful dong. It flew across the heads of the students and splintered against the far wall. He sat there, bare legged, what was left of his jeans covered his equestrian dong. It flailed around like a python in a sleeping bag. He rose to his feet. His amber eyes smouldered with the heat of a thousand dongs. Then he spun around and stormed out of the room. In doing so he knocked the food off a nearby table with his mighty staff and knocked one guy clean out.

 

He didn’t come back to school for like a week

 

“I wonder if Parry is ever coming back?” wondered Lilly aloud,

 

“Maybe you should go ask the Cullens” chimed in Lady Gaga, moving the plot along nicely.

 

“You mean the Donnellys?” Corrected Lilly.

 

“Let’s go to biology” Lala said, skipping off like the lunatic she is.

 

Lilly entered the biology classroom, pictures of frogs and dongs and frogs dongs adorned the walls. There, in the seat next to hers sat Parry.

 

She quietly sat down next to him. He could not look more uncomfortable if he tried. He gripped the table, his hands shaking. His lips were white with tension and closed tight, his nostrils were billowing in time with his chest. It was actually hard to hear the teacher over his laboured breathing. She turned to him, lost in his amber stare. His smouldering stare. Then he straight vomited all over her. He was all like “Blaarrrrgghuuuugh!!!” and it was just everywhere. Most of it was in her lap but it went down the front of her top and in her ears and onto three other people around here. Sticky black vomit everywhere.

 

He stormed out, still gagging and dry-heaving, his crotch pulsating. She was plastered to the desk, just plastered.

 

Skipping ahead a bit. He manages to save her life when a bee-hive mysteriously nearly falls on her and she doesn’t know what his problem is but she thinks he may have a horrible secret.

 

Anyway she agrees to meet him in an abandoned wood, alone, without telling anyone where she was going. He shows up, out of the fog, wearing a long black coat, still clearly a vampire.

 

She accepts him and they totally do it right there in the dirt with her holding him tight and him constantly vomiting over her shoulder. They just screw like pigs in a horrible, ever-increasing pool of bile.

 

Me again. Just to say I know he’s 400 and she’s 16, but apparently that’s cool. It’s not about age, it’s about scrawny, white Harry Potter kids with disheveled hair and converse sneakers having awkward, pig sex.

 

Cool?

Cool.