Obscurity Falls in from the Walls

The smell of cheap whisky perfumed her lips as she placed them on his forehead. Jonathan waited silently trying to remember if anyone of his six years alive had been different to this. His mother went through the normal bedtime routine of the 'kiss goodnight' adding 'No getting out of bed', 'No turning the light on' and 'No more screaming and crying'. As she went on his heart wanted to stop. Every hint of alcohol made him feel woozy and he yearned to pull away from his mother. Yet he needed her and never wanted to hurt her feelings. As much as Jonathan wanted his mother to leave him alone, he also wanted her protection. His stomach began to churn as the darkness beckoned. His mother was a hard woman yet he felt love from her. He knew she had never found anyone that would replace his father but kept searching everyday. Jonathan believed one day his mother would find that person that would change their lives forever. He was forced out of his reverie as he realised she was going again and there was nothing he could do. Whispering 'Goodnight', he felt his teeth chatter feeling the temperature of the room chill as the bedroom door closed. The turn of the key screwed into his head and was locked once more. Jonathan lay on the white sheets that still retained a semblance of colour and waited for the blackness to settle over him.

The curtains moved in the contours of the cool night air. A small window left ajar gave opportunity for the darkened world to enter the bedroom. There was no escape for the boy as the spirits filled themselves in around him. Distorted limbs began to fill his vision. The room had changed from a humble bedroom of childs play into a vortex of disruption. Four walls closed around him leaving him feeling the sweat of fright. As Jonathan's mouth opened to scream, he felt his jaws pressed shut so hard that a metallic taste of blood hit the back of his throat. Eyeballs were pulled from their sockets and taken once more into that world of horror constantly filling his night time. His life had just begun, he was only a child and already he had seen unimaginable horror. Jonathan waited for everything to end, hoping soon that he would rest in peace. All the time, as the clock ticked furiously next to his bed, words of his mother echoed through his head:

'Never be afraid of things that go bump in the night'.

From the first breath he had ever taken, there had been unspeakable things that no longer just 'bumped'. Although memories were hazy, demons filled his mind. Now they suffocated with big hands unseen, leaving bruises unexplained. The social services had visited after he was seen at playschool. Suddenly he found himself taken away, removed from friends that he hoped would save him. Now his life was concentrated in this room where midnight changed one day from the next but never made his life any different. His mother would allow him outside for a few hours a day, make him wash, allow him to use the toilet and breath fresh air but then she would hide him away again. Jonathan cried and was frightened becoming increasingly disturbed. By whom or by what, he had not yet found out although the mysterious incantations he heard from his mother�s room made him very aware that chaos was near. He knew she wanted him in this room for his own protection. Jonathan believed she was doing what she had thought best for him.

Also Jonathan knew that the gossip from the neighbours was wrong. No-one knew what was happening. Everyone speculated mindlessly about the strange goings on and the harm being inflicted on the child. There was a belief that his mother beat him during drunken frenzies or that there were attacks happening on him from one of the many men who arrived at the house, seemingly uninvited at strange hours of the night. Jonathan had never been touched by them though, only heard the frenzied activity through the moans and groans. These men were social misfits with some sort of addiction or criminal record. They were invited inside for a reason, thinking to themselves of the opportunity to fulfill their bestial urges. Jonathan knew these men could never harm him, would never touch him or anyone else after their visit to the house. He shuddered at the thought of mother�s room, the room he had been told to never enter.

Despite being so young, he knew about the sadistic orgies that went on and the false display of affection-filled love. The visions that were brought to him through the darkness revealed the red blood candles dripping, burning through flesh, his mothers smile as the men screamed in a bizarre mixture of lust and pain. She was in control and he saw her look of disgust as they failed in their bids to please her. The men left one after the other having given their souls to her. Some were no longer able to live, being found in cases of suicide soon after the visit. Others became zombies of the undead forever trapped by her eyes upon them. There was so much more that Jonathan wanted to know. As time progressed, the pictures he saw in the night became more vivid. He began to feel and distinguish between the voices, yet he could not make out what they were saying. Jonathan had not yet heard the words or seen the pictures that would reveal the curse inflicted upon his mother and now passed onto him.

Author's Note

Please review as honestly as possible. We are looking for positive reaction to determine how we continue with the project. Constructive criticism is welcome. We are aware of certain points that have been missed in writing so far - the descriptions and colours etc as the story is only a sketch for WC.

Reviews

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The mother character has been potrayed and set in concrete as a 'caring understanding nice type!' And the poor kid is very obviously a victim. There is a problem in that you have the boy being attacked in the night by the different 'clients' of his mother, yet he can't identify them even though he can identify their voices...this kind of makes sense, but I would consider revising that a little to clear it up. Gripping! Totally gripping...
I'm in...next chapter please? Is this a novel in progress???
Cheers and keep up the pace...
Helen :-)

[Nick Erickson]

Excellent introduction to the characters.
The young boy has definately gotten some insight into another world where his mother rules and he has yet to fully understand.
I'm glad I finally got a chance to sit down and read a bit.
Thought this is just a sketch, this is a damn good start.
Going to the next.

[Brenda Sue]

A great read, it holds your attention and easily readable. Wonderfully penned. Great job you two.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I agree with Helen on the point of the mother.. sure she loves him but she does not put his best interest first.. and this may be how you wanted her to seem.
The story is interesting .. Jonathan seems a sweet child caught in some sort of curse.. i enjoyed this chapter..
It does keep one's attention and reads rapidly.

Chloe
xoxo

[Belle Morte]

Wow. I love it. I can't beleive I have waited this long to read this peice. Excellent work. Moving to the next chapter now!

[The Tao of Bri]

Again, the details...make this so 3d...a real penchant for short stories you have. The people come alive and a bit more character development will make them even more so. I feel empathy for them, true...but I think that they could be more fleshed out.

[Joseph - Michael]

I hate to say that I don't have anything important to tell you two on what are in the need for some adjusting. I'm not that great at "proof reading" All I can say is that it's pretty well written to me, so I have no complaint at all

Anyway, like I've always said, you two worked so well together and I'd like to see where you two are going after a while...

[Raef C. Boylan]

It's definitely intriguing, which is the right approach to take to first chapters and introductions: draw the reader in, leave them wanting to know more.
The deal with bruises caused by unseen forces reminded me of Cole in the Sixth Sense, when social services assume that his mother is doing it to him.

The problem with the style this is written in - I felt - is that we're being provided with facts and information, rather than feeling our way through them via the character[s]. We're being told rather than shown. I know from my own writing experiences that it's very hard to find a balanced tone when you're not narrating from inside a character's head, but it's worth the effort. I've read other stories where young children are caught up in situations too adult for them [e.g. Stephen King's The Shining, Firestarter etc] and they tend to pitch for describing things in a way that demonstrates the kid's lack of understanding. I guess maybe Jonathon has knowledge beyond his years and knows what orgies and suicides are, but it feels like we either need to know HOW he knows, or you could describe it through his visions, so that we translate it as 'orgy'. I dunno; this is long-winded and doesn't make much sense - sorry about that.

Hope this is semi-helpful.
Even though it's just a sketch, I'm giving you the typos I spotted, because some are related to sentence structure and might come in useful.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

"Jonathan waited silently trying to remember if anyone of his six years alive had been different to this."
Suggest:
Jonathan waited silently[,] trying to remember if [any one] of his six years alive had been different to this.
or
Jonathan waited[,] silently trying to remember if [any one] of his six years alive had been different to this.

"normal bedtime routine of the 'kiss goodnight' adding"
normal bedtime routine of the 'kiss goodnight'[,] adding

"mother would find that person that would change their lives forever" ["that would" = who would?]

"from a humble bedroom of childs play into a vortex of disruption" [child's play]

"allow him to use the toilet and breath fresh air but then" [breathe]

"Jonathan cried and was frightened becoming increasingly disturbed"
Jonathan cried and was frightened[,] becoming increasingly disturbed

"burning through flesh, his mothers smile as the men screamed" [mother's]

"The social services had visited after he was seen at playschool."
[might want to reword this - sounds like he was invisible at playschool up until this]

[These Haunted Hallways]

Woh, that was pretty terrifying, this one. Shivers i got hehe. And the last line really got me as well. I feel so sorry of what might happen to him. I hope he doesn't fall under deep posession in the future. And trust me, i know about posession. Not something ya want to go thru, let me tell ya. Onwards! >>>>

B.A.

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

so i read them straight through and reviewed the second first - sometimes i am a little backwards... but this piece is def. not... fantatstic writing - love the story... love your collaboration - you write as if you are one

[Nicholas Hallows]

This is a really good beginning. It's difficult to say much more because ,although I am aware that a couple of potential problems in the plot have been pointed out, until the reader really knows the entire story it is not easy to know if certain things are intentional or not. As it's only a sketch it is also pointless to say anything about grammar etc. What I can say is that it is gripping and I have been drawn in too this world. You have me asking some questions that I must have answered! Great stuff! Keep it coming. NH p.s. Sorry it has taken me so long to review this. I have been very slack getting around to reading my story requests. I am very glad I finally did though!