Northpole newsletter outtakes

A Story by John L

Satire about Santa and Christmas.

NORTH POLE NEWSLETTER OUTTAKES

January 2012

Comet still missing. Last seen1/2 mile south of the North Pole, in a snowdrift collapsed from exhaustion, on December 26, 2011 at 12:01 A.M. We’re gonna send a search party to find him as soon as we figure out which way to go, to go south.

Not responsible for any microwave oven doors arriving in place of flat panel tvs on December 25.

Dear Santa
What’s going on there anyway. I wrote you a letter. Telling you what I wanted. All I got was a monkey gong set, dried turkey, and Halloween candy wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper.
Neddy

Dear santa
Thank you for the dolly. Why did my sister get a t-shirt with you and a pumpkin on it?
Debbie

February 2012

It’s always good to see those letters coming in. Especially in February. Cause its really cold here at the north pole. And there are very few trees. So we roll up all the letters and use then for fire wood.

March 2012

It difficult to fly kites here cause the west wind keeps the kites flying around in circles.

April 2012

Every wonder where the Easter Bunny get all those eggs. Well we have a committee that been assigned to figure it out.

May 2012

May really isn’t a particular exciting month here. We are still working on a way to get the barbeque grill out of the frozen pond. Last May it got there when someone put to much charcoal starter on. And lit it went up in flames, melted the ice, and sunk to the bottom.

June 2012

Santa is gearing up for his big season, the Christmas on 4th of July commercials.

July 2012

Notice: A lot of monkey gong sets in stock. Be sure to include one on your list for this year.

Everyone whats to know what Santa is doing.
Here’s the latest on Santa.

Santa been busy posing for before pictures in weight loss info-commercials.

Santa is considering signing a contract with a candy company. He would need to change his suit from red to brown to be the worlds largest chocolate Easter Egg. .Hasn’t decided on this yet.

Santa has been spending a lot of time rereading those naughty letters from last Christmas.

August 2012

Well Santa got back from his vacation. Like every year, He went to his favorite island in the Pacific.

This year Elex the Elf gave him a ride in the sled to Canada. Then Santa boarded a plane for his trip. Elex the Elf flew by the plane after it took off to wave a finale goodbye. Elex flew a little close to the right engine. Now there are two extra reindeers to help Rudolph guide the sled.

Around the North Pole we have heard some rumors about how Santa was doing on his vacation. A couple are not true, so they will be cleared up here.

One rumor was that, at the airport, the line for security was very slow and Santa got stuck in it for three hours. This is not true, Santa was stuck in the metal detector for three hours.

Also there was a rumor that a whale had washed up on the beach in front of the resort hotel where Santa was staying. This is not true, Santa just fell asleep on the beach.

A couple of thing we heard are true. There was a earthquake that shook the whole island while Santa was there. We ask Santa about this. He said it happen while he was at his favorite night spot out on the dance floor boogieing.

Also we heard from Santa that the economy isn’t very good there. He said the all-you-can eat restaurant went bankrupted the day after he ate there.

Also there is a rumor about Santa, an ox cart, and a parrot. We have no idea what this is.

September 2012

In this months newsletter are some past Christmas letters to Santa.
We didn’t know which ones to put in. So we have a random selection.

Dear Santa
I have been good all year. I want a doll. I want a water shirt. I want a box of candy. I want a dollhouse. Doll wants a raincoat. Doll wants a car. Doll wants furniture.
Sally

Hi Old Man
Want to go out with my sister? She’s as fat as you are.
Tommy

Santa
I been good. I want a race car. A six shooter. A pumpkin. A monkey gong set.
I want a new bigger size bicycle. A new ghost costume for Halloween.
A dvd player. A can of snow for the Christmas tree. A floor mat for the back seat of the car. A electric train. A box of toothpicks for Grampa. I know this is a lot of stuff. But you can give me these and not give presents to Jake. Cause he broke my pencil.
Frank

Mr Claus
Enclose is the bill for the chimney repair. You better pay up. Who do you think you are anyway? Who said you could land on my roof? You crashed into the chimney. Bricks go flying everywhere. And what is a person to do with a dead raindeer left on the roof?
Mr Smitmader

I want to know why you left me a monkey gong set last year?
I didn’t even write you a letter.
Why did my little brother get Chocolate covered Easter bunnies wrapped in Christmas wrappers?
Matty

I have only two hands you know. The Elves do nothing at all. And taking care of reindeers is a whole different thing. Those brats don’t deserve anything anyway. Who wants to eat all them cookies? Who said I’m suppose to do this stuff anyway? I just like getting out once a year and peeking into bedrooms.
Santa

Oh no. That’s a letter from Santa. Better not put that in.

October 2012

Christmas decorations can be costly, so it’s best to reuse the old decorations as much as possible. Spending time to get them fixed up can be a money saver.

To make Santas sled and raindeers.
Use a hollowed out pumpkin and two brooms for the sled.
Us brown painted black cats for reindeers.
If not enough black cats can be found, wait for thanksgiving and use some turkeys.
Use the scarecrow painted red for Santa Claus.

A few years back there were some complaints that the Christmas season was getting to commercialized. So we got to work on this. Now the holiday season starts on September first and ends the second week in January. Christmas season in lost somewhere in the middle of this. Have any other complaints, just mail them in, and we will fix them up also.

Here at the North Pole we have been considering expanding are operation. We are thinking about moving into Halloween. We have a few ideas. So we’re putting them out here to get opinions on them.

Santa wearing a pumpkin custom.

Santa sticking his head into a big tub of water to bob for apples.

Getting a white sheet and dressing Santa as a ghost. We’re already working on this project. We’re sewing all the elves bed sheets together.

Collecting Halloween candy for recycling. Santa going from door to door trick or treating with his big green bag. The elves are busy cutting up last years wrapping paper to use to rewrap the candy.

November 2012

Some notes on how the Halloween season worked out this year.

Santa at the pumpkin festival T-shirts didn’t sell as well as hoped.

Sending letters asking for certain types of candy never worked well either.

And it took far to long to get the bucket unstuck from Santas head. You know your suppose to use the old fashion wash tub for dunking apples.

It didn’t help to sick your dog on Santa when he showed up treat or treating with his big green bag. We know it was September 23. But Santa had a lot of houses to get to.

December 2012

Here at the North Pole we have a lot of Thanksgivings turkey left over. We’re figuring out what to do with it.

The last couple of years have been hard on the raindeers. We lost three reindeers during the last year or so. Their names are now on the raindeer memorial wall. Also there is a raindeer flu outbreak here. And the raindeer are moving a little slow nowdays.
We’re looking for replacements. Of course we know it’s ridiculous to paint black cats brown. Cause they still can’t pull a sled. They can’t even get it off the ground. But we were all disappointed to find out turkeys don’t know how to fly. That’s how we lost one of the reindeers. Have no fear we have the best minds working on the situation. By Christmas eve it will be solved.