Oudrine: Journal Entry 6

Oudrine first attempt to control her inner fire leaves her questioning her coming to the Haven.

I'm still shaking....  I... I felt something inside myself today that though I would never have to after arriving at the haven.  When Celeste came back to get me in the garden earlier today I was nervous but somehow I thought that it would be different here... feel different here with Celeste guiding me.  She brought me to a small room; it looked like a library with many books lining the walls on shelves reaching up to the ceiling.  There was a table in the middle of the room, she sat down on the far side and asked me to sit opposite her.  We spoke for a while, nothing specific though she did tell me a little of the history of the haven, after a short while she said it was time to beginning my training.  I had no idea what to expect, I had seen other "students" outside creating balls of light in the garden, but I wasn't sure what she was going to ask me to do.  She took out a metal lantern with sides lined with glass.  Inside it was a new wax candle with a short white wick sticking out of the top.  I was a little confused; then she told me to focus my energy from the tips of my body into my chest then out through my arm.  I began doing as she said... it was similar to all the other times.  I felt a warm tingle growing and growing inside me, I tried to hold it back as much as I could before it got too strong... but it's like trying to hold back floodwaters with an umbrella after tearing down a dam.  I could barely move at that point... I feel sick just thinking about it... the strange energy pulsing in me, just looking for a way out, but it's just too freighting to let go.  After a minute Celeste asked me to place my fingers on the lantern and release the energy focused on the wick of the candle.  I could barely breathe.....  I… tried to do as she said, but I was too scared to let go.  I tried to hold it in but… something happened, I remember seeing a white light, Celeste shouted something I couldn’t hear and I fell to the ground.  The next few minutes were blurry, I think some others came in to the room, there was some talking and I think I was carried back to my room.  The girl who brought me dinner on my first night at the haven came in with who ever it was carrying me.  She put a wet cloth on my head and felt my cheek with her hand I heard more talking.  I must’ve fallen asleep for a while, when I woke up I looked out the window, and saw that the sun was nearing dusk.  I grabbed my journal and began writing…  I don’t know what happened in that room, I hope I didn’t hurt Celeste I… I don’t think I could live with myself if anything happened.  I’m beginning to have second thoughts about being here at the haven, this power inside me… it’s too strong… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really control it… it’s like my body is not my own once the energy begins to build up inside me…  There’s a knock on the door, I hope they’re not mad at me for what’s happened… whatever it was that happened. I’ll continue later.