Enigmatic Lucidity

When I saw you

It was like an astral

Projection of chaotic

Ping pong. A Triplet

 

Effect that left major

Points, stepping stones

And mile stones as lucid

as spring-washed apartment

 

Windows behind which I once

Laid. Laid with the cocky security

Of the first footstep.

 

Though the future was void of

Any surprise, a trailer pin-pointing

And pricking away at the imagination

 

I still stare across the lake

and

Wonder where you are.

Reviews

[G. Cedillo]

that first stanza is great, that "pin-pointedness" of a solid triplet is a strong image for those that know it. still your precision remains throughout but becomes less effective
great read, i'm already a fan, will read more
= gc

[esmus]

Hi,

I enjoyed reading your poem and was really interested by the way you split up lines and paragraphs. I really liked some of the descriptions and comparisons you used, like "an astral projections of chaotic ping pong". I thought that was really neat.

Some thing you might want to try exploring was something I recommended to someone else too, was to try expanding the piece, either by continuing it, or beefing up what is there (keep a copy of the original you can look at later again), and then after it's been beefed up and expanded, you'll have all these new ideas you can work with, and then you can get rid of stuff you liked after you added and maybe you didn't like some of the things you added, but you've been there and back, so you know there's nothing better you could think of. I do this sometimes because I find I could express it but I know there's a better way somewhere, so I keep expanding till I find something I like, then I just cut down around till it fits back in place with the mysteriousness that comes along with writing shorter and snappier pieces.

Overall, good job, keep it up.