Ranting

I am so tired of hiding. Of pretending. You want to know the truth? You want to know why I act out, why I am soooo dramatic. Because I am asking for attention. Yes, attention. I need help. I want help. There are some days I am so depressed I don't want to live. I lie in the dark, crying. Because this world is so bad. I might have a good life sure but goddamn, DEPRESSION DOESN'T CARE. You know what stresses me out the most? Living with the man who sexually assaulted me and pretending I don't care. Pretending it didn't happen. Because I don't want that drama back. I want to forget, but I can because everyday I see his face and it angers me. I begged you to listen to me that day. The day I broke and said "he did it. He did it, help me." but you didn't. You chose him. You crumbled me to dust and blew me away like I didn't matter I don't matter. Did I ever? It angers me that I am forced to live here. And It angers me that I am so sheltered. I am immature yes, who isn't?, but God forbid, when I throw a fit, when I get attitude, when I yell, shout, or cry, I am begging for attention, A cry for help. It's because I am too scared to say "help me". I don't know how to say I need you. I have anger issues so bad I can't control it. I can't calm myself down, and it gets so bad I want to hit something, cry, hurt someone. I begged you to listen when I started self harming. YES!! You fool, yes that was a cry for attention. Because I needed it. Because I need the help. And you called me a liar. Yet again you didn't believe me and I was So F*****g crushed. Why are you so blind? You only see what YOU want to see. You only believe what YOU want to believe. And it hurts so. Goddamned. Much. I hate you. I hate that I can't confide in you because you'll only throw it back into my face. You'll spit on me and turn away. I've wanted to die so many times in my life. And when I decided I wanted to run away, I had no plan. I knew it was stupid. I knew that I would probably f*****g die out there, and I didn't care. I don't care. Because I am too scared to make the choice to kill myself, I thought that going out there someone would make that choice for me and the suffering would END! But you screamed at me. You didn't ask if I was okay, you told me my f*****g life is perfect here and it's not. I. Need. Help. Mental help. I hate myself. I hate what I am. Who I am. And you, telling me I'm stupid, telling me I am not good enough. Calling me broken. It hurts. It hurts and only adds to the torture I put myself through everyday. And yes, I laugh, I smile, and I have a good time. But that doesn't mean when I am alone that I am not hurting. That doesn't mean that in my head I am screaming out in emotional pain. Why can't you listen to me? Why can't you see me?? Why can't you just let me go....?