"Raze #2: Game On"

What will Detective Raze do next to find the man who murdered his mother?

“Raze #2: Game On”

By John Smith

 

1.

            The Game was on alright. I knew it. I stuffed the photograph into my inside coat pocket. I stood up from the chair and walked over to the Principal Wright’s office door and then looked back him.

            “Thank you.” I said to him which was something I didn’t say often. He nodded and I walked out of the door. I reached into my front pants pocket and pulled out my cell phone to call Ernie, my parter. I diled and pressed the phone up to my ear and waited for him to answer.

            “Hello?” I could hear his tired voice say. He sounded like he had been asleep.

            “Have you been sleeping in the office again Ernie?” I asked him. I could hear the computer chair he was sitting in crack as he leaped up and spoke as if he had been up for hours.

            “No no no! I was just waiting for you to call. What do you need boss?” He asked him. I couldn’t help but laugh at his effort to pretend he was awake.

            “I need you to meet me down here at grocery store across from the high school down town. We got a serious case on our hands!” I told him.

            “Okay. I’ll be down there in a second.” He said to me.

            “And Ernie, brush your goddamn teeth before you get down here! Your breath smells like a dog’s a*s when you first wake up.” I told him as smiled feeling quite clever. He was silent for a moment.

            “Oaky.” He finally said annoyed before he hung up. I put the cell phone back into my coat pocket and walked out of the school building.

 

2.

            I sat in car at the grocery store across from the high school for just over twenty minuites. Finally he arrived and sped into the parking lot and parked beside me. I opened up the door and met him outside.

            “What the hell took so long?” I asked him as I began to make my way towards the Greg’s Grocery.

            “You told me to brush my teeth. What are we doing here anyway?” He asked me.

            “The school got a bomb threat. The guy that did it called right outside from the phone booth on the corner. I’m hoping the manager will let us see the video footage.” I said to him. We walked in the front door of the grocery store and then walked over to Steve, the long time manager. “Steve!” I shouted out as I extended my hand for a handshake.

            “Raze!” He replied as we shook hands. “What can I do for you Raze?” Steve asked me.

            “The school across the street received a bomb threat this morning from the just outside the store. You didn’t see anything strange have you?” I asked him. He thought for a moment and then shook his head.

            “No. I can’t say that I have. I’ve been inside working here all day. What I wouldn’t give to go outside and smoke a cigarette.” He said to me. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

            “Yeah. Can I take a look at the video footage from the camera angled at the booth. Maybe I can get on who did it.” I told him.

            “Sure. Follow me over to the office. The monators are in there.” He said to me. Ernie and I followed him into his office to the monators. “What time do you think it happened?”

            “It happened approzamately at 9:15 this morning.” I told him.

            “It shouldn’t be hard to find him. To my knowledge nobody’s used that damn thing in years. He backed the film up to about 9am and played it forward. We watched it for a moment. After five minuites in the screens began to smoke sparks flew into the air. Steve jumped foreward and uplugged the tv. The smell of melting plastic filled the air.

            “S**t. Do you have any other systems we can play the tape on?” I asked him.

            “No, but I’ll give you the tape and you can watch it at the office.” He told me. Steve took the tape from the tape player but it was ruined. The black film from the tape ripped out and tore.

            “Damn it!” I said.

            “I’m really sorry Raze. Is there anything else I can do?” He asked me.

            “No. I’m just going to head back over to the office and think about this. There has to be a way to find out who did this!” I told him. I motioned for Ernie to follow me and we left the store and walked back to our cars.

            “I’m going to go out for lunch boss. Do you want to join me?” Ernie asked me.

            “No. I think I’m going to go over to the office. I need to think.” I said. He nodded at me and drove away.

 

3.

            When I got back into the office I sat down in my computer chair and glared at my computer screen. In the top rght hand corner it said I had one knew email. I clicked on it and a window containing my emails covered the screen. The email’s sender said [email protected]. The email read:

 

Dear Mr. Raze,

 

I knew you would try to look at the footage from the camera outside of Greag’s so I sabotaged it. Don’t ask how. That’s not important. What is important is that I am the man who killed your mother. And I know you want to find me. But before that can happen, I want to play a little game. The proposal still stands. Do you want to play the game Mr. Raze? Or do you just want to give up? Either way, I always win! Please respond as soon as possible. I’ll be sure you get your next clue.

 

The only thing I could think to do was reply. I replied very simple and typed: GAME ON!

Copyright 2014 by John Smith
TRUE CRIME

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Author's Note

This is the second of a series of stories about detective James Raze. More to come! I hope you all like it!

Reviews

[Lillian Leigh]

A decent start, but I agree with Mark that you need to describe the setting better, I found myself floundering and lost when it came to the scenery, and the characters. I would focus on describing Detective Raze and his attitude towards his job and his partner. As for the environment descriptions; when Raze is in the school there should be the chatter of students and the humming of office equipment, and the slight whiff of cleaning products in the air. As for the grocery store, I would give a brief description of its size, if it's a corner mimimart type of grocery store or one of the larger chain stores. When it comes to meeting Steve in the grocery store I would suggest something like this:

"I idly walked through the sliding doors, savoring the first icy blast of air conditioning. I bypassed the smiling demonstrators, busily handing out samples of what looked like barbecued cocktail weenies, and took a special detour through the impressive selection of tabloid magazines and candy that were displayed at the end of the 15 items or less check out lane. At the door to the customer service office I spotted the store's manager, Steve Ulkuhm, a balding man of forty-something with thin wire glasses, an affinity for khakis and striped shirts, and a budding beer gut whom always smelled of some musky discount aftershave. "Hi Steve, how are you?" I asked extending my hand."

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks Lillian, I'll keep that in mind.

[Mark Marcus]

John,

This is a fabulous start. It is fast moving and very compelling. I absolutely love the way you ended this chapter/story.

I would suggest that you provide a little more detail about each of the main characters in the story—that is to say, let us get to know them before the real action begins.

Also, I think you may want to check your spelling and preposition placement.

Again, you are off to a fabulous start with this and I look forward to reading more.

Mark

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks Mark! I will keep all of that in mind when I revisit it.