"The Creature In The Air Vent"

A mysterious creature is living in the air vent of a building on a college campus.

“The Creature In The Air Vent”

By John Smith

 

            “Done!” Bobby Perkins’ said as he just finished his Geometry homework. He closed is Geometry book leaving the paper stuffed inside and shoved it into his black backpack. Bobby zipped up the backpack and sat up from the blue armchair he was sitting in. He lifted himself up and placed the backpack around his shoulders and walked out of the student lounge. When he walked out of the room he instantly noticed that the lights were turned off and how the moon peaked through the blinds on the glass door.

            “How long have I been studying?” He asked himself. “Hello? Is anyone here?” Bobby asked as only the echo of his voice answered back. He began walking down the hallway and to the stairwell when something caught his eye. He looked up at the air vent and something began peaking its way out. It looked like a white string at first then it began to get fatter and fatter. With the glare of the florescent bulbs, it looked like slime was oozing off of it.

            “What the hell?” Bob said as he sat his backpack down and walked over to the railing leaning on it to get a better look. The object went closer and closer to the light. I looked like something from an H. P. Lovecraft story. It looked like a tentacle.

            As it reached the light it began tapping it making a thumping sound. He closed his eyes for a moment in hopes that when he opened them back up it would no longer be there. He opened his eyes back up and the creature was still there. He heard a door open and close in the corner of the lobby. He looked down over the railing towards the door. Stepping out of the shadows was Mitch, the janator. Mitch was a bit of an older man. He was slightly overweight and was wearing a navy blue colored jump suite. He had several wrinkles all over his face and was bald at the top of his head with just a few hairs on the surrounding edges.

            “He Mitch!” Bob said running down the stairs to greet the old man.

            “Hey there Bobby!” The sweet old man said to the young man.

            “Mitch! You have to come up here and see this!” Bobby said almost hysterically. Mitch looked at him with confusion.

            “Look at what?” Mitch asked him.

            “I don’t know exactly. But there is something in the air vent.” Bob said looking up and pointing at the air vent. Mitch then followed Bob’s hand gesture and looked up at it too.

            “What are we looking at?” Mitch asked him. Bob’s mouth dropped open with amazement.

            “But it was right there.” Bobby said confused. “Come one Mitch.” Bob said as he grabbed the old man by the arm and pulled him up the stairs. He brought him over to the railing where he was before. They looked up at the air bent and saw nothing.

            “I don’t under stand. It was right there!”  Bobby said trying to think.

            “What? What was it?” Mitch asked looking down at him.

            “I don’t know! It looked like…like a tentacle.” Bobby said to Mitch.

            “What do you mean by tentacle? Something like off of an octopus?” Mitch asked him with disbelief.

            “Yeah, something like that.” Bobby said to Mitch.

            “You have been reading too many of those Science Fiction comics.” Mitch said to Bobby. Bobby bowed his head with disappointment knowing that the old man didn’t believe him.

            “It was there! I know it was there!” Bobby mumbled to the old man. Mitch placed a hand on the left shoulder of Bobby.

            “Look, I’ll go down and get a ladder and prove to you that there is nothing it that air vent okay?” He asked Bobby. Bobby nodded his head in agreement. Mitch let go of the shoulder of Bobby and walked down the steps to the janitor’s closet. Bobby looked back up at the vent to investigate it further. Still no sign of the creature. He could hear something moving around in there, but could not see anything. He could hear the old man whistling as he was coming back carrying the ladder. He carried the ladder up the stairs and placed it where the two were standing before.

            “Mitch! Shhh! Do you hear that?” Bobby asked him. They paused for a moment not making a sound. The creature was no longer moving around. The old man shook his head and began climbing up the ladder.

            After reaching the top of the ladder, Mitch reached up pulling the vent down revealing nothing but black darkness. He positioned himself a little higher on the ladder and slid his head through the hole of the vent.

            “See there’s noth…” Mitch started followed by a piercing scream.

            “Mitch? Mitch? Are you alright?” Bobby asked him. Blood began pouring down his torso from his neck. The tentacle reached down and pulled the remainder of the old man up into the vent. Bobby ran down the stairs and into the bathroom. He ran over to the garbage can and began throwing up. He lifted his head up out of the trashcan and whipped his mouth with his sleeve. He could feel that something was behind him. He turned around and looked up at the ceiling where the vent was. Reaching down from the vent was the long tentacle of the creature that was now drenched in blood. The tentacle reached down at him grabbing him by the fore arm and drug him to the center of the bathroom.

            “No!” Bobby cried out, as he was somehow able to shake himself free. He ran out of the bathroom and into the janitor’s closet. He fumbled around in complete darkness before finally reaching the light switch. He whipped away the tears that were rolling down his face and began looking around for some sort of weapon to use against the monster. He reached over grabbing an old yellow blanket and threw it off revealing what looked like the egg sacks of the creature. Bobby screamed and ran out of the closet slamming the door shut.

            Bobby ran back into the lobby. This time he knew he had lost. He was surrounded. The monster leaped out of the vent and off of the balcony to the lobby floor. It was an octopus type creature with razor sharp and jagged teeth that looked as if they were at least an inch long. The creature began moving faster and faster towards him penning him to the corner.

            “No! Please No!” Bobby screamed to him as the creature opened his mouth to full extension. One tentacle reached out and grabbed him lifting him up off the ground and dropping him into the mouth of the beast.

 

Copyright 2013 by John Smith

Courtesy of The Enchanted Press

A division of TTP Entertainment

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Author's Note

Please leave me a comment!

Reviews

[Barbara Walker]

I've read a fair number of your stories and I feel like my reviews just keep repeating themselves, so I will shorten this one and just say, syntax, syntax, syntax, extraneous words interfere with the flow of the story. Words of wisdom in Douglas White's review. I encourage you to take his advice seriously, keep writing and your stories will get better and better. I have seen improvement since the first story of yours that I read, not that long ago.

[Mark]

It's tough to write a flash story and include all the pieces you need to make the story come together. I see some loose ends here and some extraneous writing. It has possibility though, keep working on it!

[ThoughtsofShyann]

I like bobbies personality

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you for the review!

[Great Aunt Astri]

Yes, I have always been very suspicious of those air vents! All sorts of nasties could breed there. In your story I was rather hoping that Bobby would end up the hero, but no, he ended up in the monster's tummy! I think the actual writing could be tidied up a bit. You repeat words here and there. If you re-read it I think you would see where the alterations need making.

[Douglas White]

This concept is a good nod to Lovecraft. There are a few things that need work, however.You still tend towards over-detailing things:

Bobby zipped up the backpack and sat up from the blue armchair he was sitting in. He lifted himself up and placed the backpack around his shoulders and walked out of the student lounge.

Do you really have to specify that he zipped it, that the armchair was blue, that he placed it on his shoulders?

These are all things that the reader will fill in on their own as they read. Get specific on things that are important to the story, and generalize when it's details that aren't. That will smooth out the flow of the story and allow the reader to be more involved in the story. Getting the reader involved is critical.

Another thing to watch for is trite, predictable writing. The conversation with the janitor is a prime example. You can see the identical scene (almost word for word) in countless movies and TV shows. Some kid ALWAYS sees something weird, and the adult he/she tells about it NEVER believes them, then dies.

Yawn.

Try this: take that scene and rewrite it, assuming that that janitor DOES believe the kid saw *something* (maybe a rat's tail hanging out). See how that scene plays out that way. You have a good opportunity to make the scene far more intense and more frightening.

Your ending wasn't bad (I liked the bit with the eggs), but you can still make it more intense. Suggestion: drive him away from the lobby, deeper into the school. Let him feel safe as he gets to the back of the school, and grab him from above just when he gets to the back door. Even worse, have one drop from the wall outside or a tree above him after he walks out the door. It will also be much more intense if you don't visualize the creature(s). Allowing the reader to imagine it for themselves is far, far worse than anything you could ever write. My suggestion there: give the character a glimpse of a mouthful of teeth as you end the story.

This is another of your stories that I want to see the rewrites on - it has a lot of promise, and I'd like to see it hit its full horror potential.

(Which, by the way, is also why I take the time to write these 'War & Peace' length reviews.) :^D

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks for reading!

[Angel]

When I can get myself under control, and stop hysterically screaming, I will try to review this....thing.
Darn it, kiddo...that one scared the britches off this old lady!!
Your monster sounds like something out of H.P. Lovecraft...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and get dressed...

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks for the review Angel!

[Leslie Philibert]

This I understand as fantasy al la King, like the background of a colleague, good story, the dialogue
needs ( maybe ) some work, it is a good start.

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you for reading!

[Riding the Rainbow]

wow!
This piece was pretty cool!!
Well done!!

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you for the comment!

[Susan McCaskill]

I'm sorry; I don't wish to be rude, but there are so many spelling errors in this, I find it impossible to read. Sentence structure also needs work. I'd be happy to read it after the spelling and structure has been corrected.

[Rosaria_V]

This was truly a great story and I so agree with Jon!

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks for reading!

[00000000000000000000000..]

Wow some story sounds like a great write to me almost like something off the Si-Fi Ch Awesome work.

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you!