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"The Murder of Barbra Jones"

"The Murder of Barbra Jones"

A Story by Jack Buckner
"

Who really killed Barbra Jones?

"

“The Murder of Barbra Jones”

By John Smith

 

     “Ms. Anderson?” Jeff Cox said as he knocked on the door of the old woman’s house. Jeff was a young journalist for the local news paper. He was about five feet tall and very slim. He had short black hair under his typical detective’s hat. He was wearing a Sherlock Holmes style jacket and pants. He was also wearing large glasses that drooped down to the tip of his nose. Ms. Anderson came to the door and looked at the young man.

     “What do you want?” Ms. Anderson said not wanting to talk to anyone.

“My editor sent me out here. He said you had some interesting facts about the murder of Barbra Jones.” He said pushing the glasses back up on his face. Ms. Anderson backed up letting in the young writer.

“So, you want to know the story huh? Are you sure you can handle it?” She asked him walking over to the only window in the living room and looking out it. She walked over to the bookshelf across from the window, reached up to the top shelf, and grabbed a black Nike shoe box. She placed the box under her arm and walked over to the wooden rocking chair that was sitting next to the couch where the reporter was sitting and sat down.

She took the shoe box out from under her arm and placed it on her lap. She took the lid off of the box and placed it on the under side of the box. She reached in the box and grabbed out a picture. The picture was a black and white one of a slender black haired man wearing a white collared dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black pants. Jeff grabbed the picture from the old woman and looked at it.

“That’s Ray.” She told him.

“Your brother?” He asked her.

“Yes.” She answered back

“What happened the evening of the murder of Ms. Anderson?” The reporter asked her. She reached into the box and pulled out an old news paper article reading ‘MURDER!’ at the top of it.

“Ray’s girlfriend, Barbra Jones, was a bad woman. I knew she was trouble. I remember telling Ray about her all the time, but he was too stubborn to listen.” She told him. She reached down and picked up a tea cup and took a drink of her sweet tea. She placed the tea cup back down on the little plate and placed it on the table next to her. “I knew she was nothing but a no good s**t, but I had no idea my fiancé was fooling around with her.” She told him. She reached in grabbing another old news paper article reading ’JUDGE FINDS MAN GUILTY OF MURDERING GIRLFRIEND AND SECRET LOVER.’ He read the article for a moment and reached up to take off his glasses. He grabbed his head and rubbed it.

“So, Ray killed them for cheating on him behind his back?” He asked Ms. Anderson. Ms. Anderson shook her head no and looked into the eyes of the young reporter.

“That’s what the judge wanted you to believe.” She told him. “There was no jury to decide the case making it the judge’s call. The county judge then was Phil Moore. He was a stupid fat b*****d. I should have seen it coming.”

“Seen what coming?” Jeff asked Ms. Anderson.

“I tried to explain it to him, but he wouldn’t listen to me.” She told him.

“Explain what?” Jeff asked her sitting on the edge of his seat griping her every word.

“That I was the one who murdered the two. He would have none of it. He tossed me out of his office. Before I was carried out of the office I noticed something kind of strange. He had multiple picture frames on his desk. Some of them were of his kids; some of them were of his wife. But what was strange about some of them was Barbra Jones’ picture was in them.” She told him. Jeff’s mouth dropped open with shock and suspense.

“What do you think was going on between Barbra Jones and the judge? Jeff asked her.

“I think it’s obvious. I think you know what was going on between the two.” She told him.

“So let me get this strait. You were the one who murdered Barbra Jones. Your brother, Ray, just pleaded guilty in order to keep you out of jail. And the judge didn’t want to hear what really happened because of his involvement with your brother’s girlfriend.” Jeff said.

“Yes.” Ms. Anderson replied. “At night, I still can hear the shouts of Ray screaming at me, “What have you done Rita? Go! Get out of here!”

 

Later that week the news paper headline read: ‘RITA ANDERSON ADDMITS TO 40 YEAR OLD MURDER CASE! SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY’


Copyright 2013 by John Smith

Courtesy of The Enchanted Press

a division of TTP Entertainment

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© 2013 Jack Buckner


Author's Note

Jack Buckner
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Featured Review

The form and content are interesting with characters like Barbra Jones being involved with so many of the players. The description of the young reporter didn't sit well with me though. On moment you are calling his hat 'typical' and then later saying that Ms. Anderson had a 'Nike' shoe box. Even if you meant that the 'Sherlock Holmes-style' dress of the young man was typical for him it would seem very out of place in the age of Nike sneakers. You could perhaps have given more of a reason as to why Ms. Anderson would allow her brother to rot in a jail cell for 40 years before speaking about the crime as well, it just doesn't make much sense to me the way it has been approached. The storytelling aspect is good with flowing dialogue that brings the reader to a logical end(somewhat). The end though doesn't have a punch like the twists that most mystery fans enjoy. Now, if the murders were described and it was found that the bodies were burned and that in fact Ms. Anderson was Barbra Jones that would make for more impact. (suggestion only as there could definitely be more endings that would offer greater impact.)

On the grammatical side, there were a couple of spots that could be touched up but over all a very well written story, with many good elements of a pulp fiction style mystery. The judge, is where I would look to create more depth and then rework the end for more impact.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Jack Buckner

10 Years Ago

Thank you for the review Astro!
Astro

10 Years Ago

Once again, you are quite welcome Mr. Smith.



Reviews

I think you have the beginnings of a ripping good whodunit here. It needs to be developed, though. You kind of threw me a bit...about eight paragraphs down, the reporter asks "What happened the night of the murder of Ms. Anderson?" Took me a second to realize the second "of" must have slipped in there while you weren't looking :-D. That happens to the best of us...heck, it even happens to me!
My mind keeps playing that old song "That was the night that the lights went out in Georgia...that was the night they hung an innocent man..." Perhaps you were thinking of that song when you sat down to write this piece?
Anyway, I do hope you will work on this one a bit more...it has a lot of promise! With a bit of work, you could be another Ellery Queen or Agatha Christie! You've got talent, that's for sure!! It's just a bit raw right now...but that's what this site is for...to help you to develop into the great writer that you were meant to be!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for taking the time to read it!
I really liked it, The title made me think of an investigation and the story flowed very well! Awesome job :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for taking the time to read it!
Rosaria_V

11 Years Ago

My pleasure
I think this is a lot better than some of the reviews imply; written in a traditional, straight style, maybe, but the narrative transports the story well so keep at it...

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it! I realize that it falls short of "Josie" and I believ.. read more
The run on sentences with too much detail detract from your story. Example-She placed the box under her arm and walked over to the wooden rocking chair that was sitting next to the couch where the reporter was sitting and sat down.
She placed the box under her arm, walked over to a rocking chair and sat down.
Also, a comma comes after a sentence when some one is speaking and the first word after the comma is not capitalized unless it is a proper pronoun. Example-“I think it’s obvious. I think you know what was going on between the two,” she told him.
i agree with Christopher Angel's review.
It's obvious you have a love of writing and i encourage you to pursue it.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

I do appreciate you taking the time to read it. I realize that it is not that good. This is nowhere .. read more
I drifted off part way through, sorry

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Sorry, but I guess this just wasn't the right story for you. I'm sorry to hear that. This is nowhere.. read more
Oh dear! Brilliantly written. You have such attention to detail and make the story come right alive. I was rather hoping the old woman would not be the guilty one, though!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for the review!
I loved this story, but I feel like the dialogue is a little strained. I know dialogue is hard though. Overall though I love the plot and how fast paced it is. I can't wait to read more from you!!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for taking the time to review it!
Wow. That was a gripping story till the end. I really enjoyed the conversation too . You give good details and mind pictures to fill in the blanks...Splendid...:)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for your review! It is much appreciated!
Sami Khalil

11 Years Ago

You are welcome...:)
I was never one for murder novels/crime thrillers but every now and then I'll read something that's interesting.

Your story had all the makings of it - it was interesting and a cliche` but good twist. I was certainly not expecting that. The fonts you used also helped sell this piece. It reminded me of the old type writer and how I used to type stuff out on that darn contraption when I was younger. It was a nice package and your story moved at a brisk pace.

There were some issues though. Firstly your tendency to reuse the same words, particularly 'placed'. Here's an example;

' She asked him walking over to the only window in the living room and looking out it. She walked over to the bookshelf across from the window, reached up to the top shelf, and grabbed a black Nike shoe box. She placed the box under her arm and walked over to the wooden rocking chair that was sitting next to the couch where the reporter was sitting and sat down.'

It was all very methodical and quite jarring. Dialogue is not the most important part of a story - the description is. Using dialogue to drive the story forward is not advisable so you need to spend more time on your descriptions instead of using it as a means to bridge the next dialogue. There has to be a fluidity to the things that is being described.

The last thing I want to talk about is; why was it so short?! It was just getting interesting and you pulled the rug out from under me! Haha. Take that as a compliment because I became invested and wanted to read more but you ended it, quite abruptly too.

The ending especially felt like a cop out because you've built it up to a crescendo but then decided not to follow through. There was no emotional pay off and the entire story ended on a single line that lacked any of the depth you've built. I thought it was going to turn into a horror story! But it didn't and I was told that she was sentenced to death.

What about the judge? Wouldn't action be taken against him?

There's so much material here you could have built it over a few more chapters and with some ironing of the language and grammar it'd be really amazing. You've got good stuff here no doubt which is why I wished there were more! Please keep writing and I hope my comments helped.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you for the review and advise! I will definitely consider them!
I think you did a really good job with this piece:)!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jack Buckner

11 Years Ago

Thank you!

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1077 Views
21 Reviews
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Shelved in 4 Libraries
Added on August 13, 2013
Last Updated on November 19, 2013
Tags: shock, mystery, John Smith, crime fiction, noir fiction


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