"The Murder of Barbra Jones"

Who really killed Barbra Jones?

“The Murder of Barbra Jones”

By John Smith

 

     “Ms. Anderson?” Jeff Cox said as he knocked on the door of the old woman’s house. Jeff was a young journalist for the local news paper. He was about five feet tall and very slim. He had short black hair under his typical detective’s hat. He was wearing a Sherlock Holmes style jacket and pants. He was also wearing large glasses that drooped down to the tip of his nose. Ms. Anderson came to the door and looked at the young man.

     “What do you want?” Ms. Anderson said not wanting to talk to anyone.

“My editor sent me out here. He said you had some interesting facts about the murder of Barbra Jones.” He said pushing the glasses back up on his face. Ms. Anderson backed up letting in the young writer.

“So, you want to know the story huh? Are you sure you can handle it?” She asked him walking over to the only window in the living room and looking out it. She walked over to the bookshelf across from the window, reached up to the top shelf, and grabbed a black Nike shoe box. She placed the box under her arm and walked over to the wooden rocking chair that was sitting next to the couch where the reporter was sitting and sat down.

She took the shoe box out from under her arm and placed it on her lap. She took the lid off of the box and placed it on the under side of the box. She reached in the box and grabbed out a picture. The picture was a black and white one of a slender black haired man wearing a white collared dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black pants. Jeff grabbed the picture from the old woman and looked at it.

“That’s Ray.” She told him.

“Your brother?” He asked her.

“Yes.” She answered back

“What happened the evening of the murder of Ms. Anderson?” The reporter asked her. She reached into the box and pulled out an old news paper article reading ‘MURDER!’ at the top of it.

“Ray’s girlfriend, Barbra Jones, was a bad woman. I knew she was trouble. I remember telling Ray about her all the time, but he was too stubborn to listen.” She told him. She reached down and picked up a tea cup and took a drink of her sweet tea. She placed the tea cup back down on the little plate and placed it on the table next to her. “I knew she was nothing but a no good s**t, but I had no idea my fiancé was fooling around with her.” She told him. She reached in grabbing another old news paper article reading ’JUDGE FINDS MAN GUILTY OF MURDERING GIRLFRIEND AND SECRET LOVER.’ He read the article for a moment and reached up to take off his glasses. He grabbed his head and rubbed it.

“So, Ray killed them for cheating on him behind his back?” He asked Ms. Anderson. Ms. Anderson shook her head no and looked into the eyes of the young reporter.

“That’s what the judge wanted you to believe.” She told him. “There was no jury to decide the case making it the judge’s call. The county judge then was Phil Moore. He was a stupid fat b*****d. I should have seen it coming.”

“Seen what coming?” Jeff asked Ms. Anderson.

“I tried to explain it to him, but he wouldn’t listen to me.” She told him.

“Explain what?” Jeff asked her sitting on the edge of his seat griping her every word.

“That I was the one who murdered the two. He would have none of it. He tossed me out of his office. Before I was carried out of the office I noticed something kind of strange. He had multiple picture frames on his desk. Some of them were of his kids; some of them were of his wife. But what was strange about some of them was Barbra Jones’ picture was in them.” She told him. Jeff’s mouth dropped open with shock and suspense.

“What do you think was going on between Barbra Jones and the judge? Jeff asked her.

“I think it’s obvious. I think you know what was going on between the two.” She told him.

“So let me get this strait. You were the one who murdered Barbra Jones. Your brother, Ray, just pleaded guilty in order to keep you out of jail. And the judge didn’t want to hear what really happened because of his involvement with your brother’s girlfriend.” Jeff said.

“Yes.” Ms. Anderson replied. “At night, I still can hear the shouts of Ray screaming at me, “What have you done Rita? Go! Get out of here!”

 

Later that week the news paper headline read: ‘RITA ANDERSON ADDMITS TO 40 YEAR OLD MURDER CASE! SENTENCED TO THE DEATH PENALTY’

Copyright 2013 by John Smith

Courtesy of The Enchanted Press

a division of TTP Entertainment

http://www.copyrighted.com/copyrights/view/twqz-ylxe-8c4r-8d5z"> border="0" alt="Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected
TWQZ-YLXE-8C4R-8D5Z" title="Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected
TWQZ-YLXE-8C4R-8D5Z" width="150" height="40" src="http://static.copyrighted.com/images/seal.gif" />

Author's Note

What do you think?

Reviews

[Astro]

The form and content are interesting with characters like Barbra Jones being involved with so many of the players. The description of the young reporter didn't sit well with me though. On moment you are calling his hat 'typical' and then later saying that Ms. Anderson had a 'Nike' shoe box. Even if you meant that the 'Sherlock Holmes-style' dress of the young man was typical for him it would seem very out of place in the age of Nike sneakers. You could perhaps have given more of a reason as to why Ms. Anderson would allow her brother to rot in a jail cell for 40 years before speaking about the crime as well, it just doesn't make much sense to me the way it has been approached. The storytelling aspect is good with flowing dialogue that brings the reader to a logical end(somewhat). The end though doesn't have a punch like the twists that most mystery fans enjoy. Now, if the murders were described and it was found that the bodies were burned and that in fact Ms. Anderson was Barbra Jones that would make for more impact. (suggestion only as there could definitely be more endings that would offer greater impact.)

On the grammatical side, there were a couple of spots that could be touched up but over all a very well written story, with many good elements of a pulp fiction style mystery. The judge, is where I would look to create more depth and then rework the end for more impact.

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you for the review Astro!

[Astro]

Once again, you are quite welcome Mr. Smith.

[Nia Hope]

Wow, definitely an interesting plot and resolution. I like it a lot.

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you!

[TL Boehm]

Thank you to Cody for sending this. Is John Smith a pseudonym perhaps?

[Jack Buckner]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. No TL, John Smith is not a pseudonym for Cody, we are just good friends and I use his imprint TTP Entertainment.

Thanks again for reading it!

[ThoughtsofShyann]

I think that you have major talent and major skills!

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you so much!

[Jamie Cook]

Oh wow, that was waaaaaay more elaborate then I thought. That was great! :D I loved it. Good job ^^

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you for commenting!

[B-poet]

An interesting whodunit here. Nice work. An entertaining & intriguing read. :)

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you so much for the review!

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
What do I think, John ?
I think you did a nice job here !
I like the first person perspective you used; really gets you into the story.

I'm going to ask an unusual question cause I don't know. Did you SPEAK this story to record it ? I'm seeing some misspellings that I believe can only be done by a system that listens to your voice and types out what you tell it. If so - that's an interesting way to write a story.

A few slight missing quotes,
“What do you think was going on between Barbra Jones and the judge? Jeff asked her.

As for the story, WOW ! I just recently encoded a DVD with 15-episodes of Perry Mason on it, my new favorite show, so I definitely like the legal and logical twist you wrote at the end of your story in here !

Because of this and the depth of the plot you constructed which I thought was exceptionally well done in here, I am ⊰ƑƛƔƠƦƖƬƖƝƓ⊱ this for future reading.

[Douglas White]

This is a fairly straightforward tale, which makes it a bit cliche' and predictable. The idea is solid, however, and with a little more work, could easily become a more surprising tale that could be turned to suspense, drama, horror, etc.

Personally, I think aiming it more towards the horror aspect makes sense, because the elements are already in place - the judge, the pictures, the lies. (I AM a little biased, though - I love horror stories)

I do like your dialog, it fits perfectly with small-town characters. You can, however, drop some of the names during the dialog, since there are only two people involved. The reader can distinguish the characters with the simple "he said, she said"

One small suggestion, on your ending - it would be much longer than a week, even with an admission of guilt, to get a death penalty anywhere in the US. You could always revise to read "D.A. pushes for death penalty", or simply change the time frame. Just a thought.

One final critique: use not only spell check, but proofread as well. One glaring mistake: "strait" should be "straight".

Final opinion: Needs work, but has a good, solid foundation for further development. Excellent potential.

[Jack Buckner]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CW

[Brian Angeles]

The story was good for me.

[Jack Buckner]

Thank you!

[Mark]

I'm sorry I didn't finish this but your writing falls prey to a very common mistake. It's easy to narrate a story... but for a reader, it's like having someone give a speech. Might be some great info, but we're squirming in our seats because of the wooden, boring way it's being given to us. We're very fickle the modern reader and we have a million things vying for our attention every day. We choose one thing out of 10 to pay attention to for any length time... driving... texting... (not together hopefully) TV, Radio, phone, computer... you get the idea.

Try painting a picture rather than being the person behind the scenes giving you information about your characters.

This:
"eff was a young journalist for the local news paper. He was about five feet tall and very slim. He had short black hair under his typical detective’s hat. He was wearing a Sherlock Holmes style jacket and pants. He was also wearing large glasses that drooped down to the tip of his nose."

might work better like
A young well dressed man stood on the porch. The door creaked and he looked up from under his fedora. He pushed his glasses up from the tip of his nose. An action that seemed far too accustomed.

"Mrs Anderson?"

She smiled at this comical version of Sherlock Holmes before her.

"Yes?"

[Jack Buckner]

Hi Mark! Thanks for taking the time to read it! If I could suggest taking a read at my other story, "Josie." I understand that this is NOT my best work. I value your criticism very much.