The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself

Something a little different than my usual

“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control.”

Under the burden of being blunt, I will say that no one is original – maybe it is drastic to be so bold, and I may sound borderline bitter. I am nothing more than a collage of every person that I have come into contact with. A mental catalogue of obscure movie lines ready for dispersal whenever a conversation grows stale. Every quote or line in a book affecting my philosophy, whether minute or not. Original? I wouldn’t even dare to be that presumptuous. But I will say what unquestionably frightens me: the possibility of me evolving into what I despise. Taking on even the smallest idiosyncrasy of an adversary so gradual that it escapes revelation. The mere thought of such an occurrence is agonizing.

* * *

An overly competitive male that careens down the cocky path when the cards are in his favor, and clearly a sore loser when the same cards are stacked. Safe to say that the statements sum up my attitude seemingly perfect. No matter the situation, the pressure remains the same. My competitive drive is on overload and I’m an engine that desperately needs to decompress. And rather soon. Bottom of the ninth, two outs and a full count? I don’t even want to imagine. Down two points in a “friendly” game of cornhole? Not acceptable due to my nature. I not only fear failure, but I also hate it. No matter how trivial a win or loss may seem, I will still approach the situation as if that “W” means life or death - to the point of becoming irritatingly hostile. Failure simply isn’t an option for some, and I am no exception. They say at the end of the day, the king and the pawn go in the same box. That’s fine. I just try to make sure the king is laying on his side first…

* * *

There is a fine line between the clean and the corrupt. That same miniscule boundary defines the balance of chaos and control. Some stay reserved and never have a thrill in their life. Never to risk toeing that edge. Others prefer the life of chaos where they choose to “live fast and die young.” – a sentiment that James Dean certainly fulfilled, to the tune of a tragic death. I would love to live life with a passion, but I don’t want to lose sight of reality. Getting lost in the moment comes with losing control, and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. The distinction becoming blurred to the point of being unrecognizable. I have been judged to be reckless, but there has always been an amount of control to my actions. Whether noticeable or not. One can only imagine the outcome if I actually did lose control. Completely and truly.