That hum of electricity

A lonely man dealing with said lonlinesss in the modern world. Sometimes the technology makes rejection even worse.

Paper magneted to the fridge blowing in the breeze from the ceiling fan is the only noise in my place.
Except for the non stop electric hum of appliances which I pretty much fail to notice any longer. My Head's swimming,
I'm dizzy,
Can't remember the last time I ate anything.
I should eat.
My hands are shaky I need a drink.
I haven't shaved in a week and I haven't been out of this room in a good four days.
I'm lost not broken hearted, just alone. Despair?
No one talks to me,
I have 2 friends within a 250 mile radius.
I rarely see my family with the exception of holidays.
I see my ex wife when I pick up or drop off the boy;
That's just a smack up side the head reminder of how much I suck at life.
I venture online, after all it works for so many people.
I search for like minded local individuals hoping to bail me out of this rut.
Some one to put a stop to the ground hog day monotony that has become what I call my life.
Twenty seven messages sent and my inbox more empty than my soul.
Is it just me?
I'm beginning to think so.
I mean what are the chances of being ignored for twenty seven out of twenty seven messages?
All read and no one replied!
Like this " Hi I'm John. I'm trying to meet more local people and make some friends. So how are you?".
Twenty seven sent not one friendly "Hello John" or even a "F**k off!".
You would figure statistically I'd at least have one reply�
God I just want to get trashed and not feel so much. Go back to sleep and wait for it all to end.
I'm lower than a dachshunds dick and can't even get a handshake much less a hand up.
Myself, my life, my messages,
We are every ones electric humming.

Author's Note

Any help is appreciated thank you

Reviews

[Charles]

You certainly can describethe character in your poetry - mkes me wonder...
I like the last line and some of the descriptions. I wonder whether some punctuation would help os hinder the effect: hyphens incertain words (like non-stop) and apostrophes where indicated. This is kind of a 'prose poetry' piece - more so than the other one I reviewed. I'' stop back another day to read more.

[PaperHearts]

Such an honest yet tragic piece of writing. I liked the way you related the feeling of loneliness to the hum of electricity. This was a really creative idea, and captured the atmosphere perfectly. You described both the character and the setting really well, and I was able to visualise it vividly in my mind.
'That's just a smack up side the head reminder of how much I suck at life.' is a thought that I can certainly relate to! However, I really loved the last line. It tied up the overall feeling of the piece well, and in it's profundity, left room for the reader to explore.
A thought-provoking write. Nice work,
~PaperHearts

[Cassidy Mask]

This is such a great piece of writing. It's so raw with honesty and emotion. There are times when we all feel like we must be 'the only one' and you describe that loneliness so perfectly. A sad but brilliant work of art. :)

[Aube Ralph]

omg you're too modest. this was sooo good ( i mean i felt awful after reading it) i was really feeling for this guy, who thinks he's a complete loser "smack upside the head reminder that i suck at life" omg...keep writing and i'll keep reading...ps are u published?

[bob, small b. aka invs]

this is an extremely well written character study. i agree with E.J. about the one line. very powerful and perfectly understandable to anyone who's been in a similar frame of mind. i wouldn't change anything about this with one exception. at one point to reference 'groundhog day monotony'. that is perfectly understandable to anyone who's seen the movie, but it is meaningless to anyone who hasn't. its meaning will also fade in time as the movie itself becomes more a part of the past. i would suggest using a different reference that is more universal and timeless. just a suggestion. it's your writing. i don't like meddling with other peoples stuff.

[Clint Hale]

The first half had much emotion, but the second half, specifically the cursing and obscenities, was slightly weaker.

This is probably a very personal piece for you, and I hate to criticize something that most likely helped you as you wrote it. If you were venting and feel better after writing this, then I say change nothing. Your reasons for writing outweigh everything else.

[Epiphany]

This made my heart feel sad and I could understand his loneliness and feeling ignored and unimportant. True so many feel like that. I thought the part about the 27 emails was strong. I found a note once on a trail to the beach that said, "I wish whoever finds this would help me with a smile or a nice thought or gesture I'm so lonely." I send out a smile to share ;-)

[E.J. Stevens]

"Twenty seven messages sent and my inbox more empty than my soul." --This is such a powerful line. It truly speaks to the disconnection we have in these modern times. I believe you could go in so many directions with this line (it would also fit with so many genres as well; Science fiction, Crime/Thriller, Poetry, etc).

Taken as a whole there is work to be done. But this line alone I would give a score of 100.