Something

SOMETHING

Something in the way she moves,
One leg in front of another,
Her arms swinging by her side,
Makes me think of no other.

Something in the way she stands,
The word that comes to mind is 'special',
The way her feet are set apart,
The back straight, the head level.

Something in the way she talks,
The mouth now opening to speak,
The lips forming word after word,
Makes her really quite unique.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

When we fall for someone, we notice all those little things. Your poem reminded me of the Beatles song Something, sung by George Harrison. That was a nice place to go.

Chris

[John]

Thanks for your comment Chris.

[JayG]

• Something in the way she moves,

She? So...someone unknown is talking about an unknown she, as-if-the-reader-knows-her.

You're giving the reader your personal response to something that reader knows nothing about, and has no interest in. So, why would they care?

Sure, when you read this, having a mental picture of the person you're talking about, it works. But what's in it for the reader? People don't read poetry to be informed on how someone they don't know feels. Readers come to us for an emotional, not an informational experience. We don't tell the reader that we cried, smiled, or laughed. Our goal is to make THEM do that. We work to make THEM care and feel, not become better informed. And that takes a VERY different approach from the nonfiction writing skills we're given in school.

Take a trip to the Shmoop site. It's a great resource. Select Student when you get there, then use the button to the left of the mid-page search window to select Poetry. They have lots of great, and successful, poems analyzed in detail, to show why, and how they work.

I know this was pretty far from what you hoped to see, but since you, with your preknowledge, mental images, and intent, won't see the problem. And since we'll not address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.