Things.

I don't want to be crushed
by all the things.
(But a state of being
is a state of being)
I leave early, that nice muffled light
just after dark.
I perform my three point turn
as my headlights blare in to curtained windows
Of peaceful neighbors. I do this consistently.
Is that their bedroom? Do they anticipate my intrusion?
Maybe I should shut my lights off.
I tell myself they don't mind. Blackout curtains.
Heavy sleepers perhaps. Maybe they(I am not sure of
the house dynamics. I lean towards a single older women
with many suitors, hairdresser by day I think)
have already made the daily pot and watch the news.
All for not if the bedroom is in the back
or even downstairs.
It's only for a moment anyway, 3 seconds max.
Can that ruin our nonexistent friendship?
A simple rotation of a switch could solve it
but part of me feels defiant, free.
Truly living wild.
I won't think of this again until the very next day.
At the same exact time. I wonder if they(she)
contemplates my existence.
Sometimes I drive places
and leave 3 minutes after parking.
Gives me enough time to observe thoroughly
the amount of humanity I will need to contend with.
The kind, who? Who will be the majority?
Of course it all depends on the day and the time.
Am I willing to wait, hovering blankly
at the expensive sweater table
while someone covets the mark down rack?
Do I even want to walk the store 4 times
trying to decide if a shirt I want
can be worn with the proper amount of jean colors?
Versatility is important.
Waiting in line behind three people seems acceptable
for certain foods. Burritos and burgers mainly.
Any line larger seems a waste of time
for a usually mediocre meal I absolutely
could do without.
These calculations have varying degrees of depth
and stress. The true b*****d
in all of this is being in a glass case.
I am being observed. I am observing the observers.
What brings that man out today? I try to build his life
Within myself.
Do these people struggle? I want to know.
Do they think? Is the check out girl spinning
her wheels? 4 hour shifts. Scan. Scan. Store card sir?
Save save save. She can't believe her words.
Are the bright lights and mindlessness causing damage?
What is her handle on life? The older the worse I'm sure.
I despair at my possible despair in their shoes.
Who ARE these people? What am I to them?
Nothing.
Sometimes I forget how to walk properly
in the vast mall corridor.
I have a fine walk, brisk pace.
I must just overthink with so many eyes
available to see. Mechanically only I notice.
But I am off.
So much space to account for. Out there.
I tell you, I am tired.
I like holding doors for everyone.
It's a nice event. Especially when it's multiple people.
Everyone is all smiles, each admiring the goodwill.
The community for moments at a time.
The outwardly observable crushes me.
I am tired.