Stranger

I don´t really know what I think about this one.. will be happy for any feedback :))

Holding my breath
I´m under water
I´m not dead yet
But I can´t sink any farther
It´s burning in my lungs
I can sense the danger
I shouldn´t die so young
Alone, left by a stranger

You are a stranger to me now
I´m not calling your name anymore

Not even when I need you
Not even then


You won´t love me anymore
You won´t drag me to the shore
You are not the one I fell for
I fell, and I´m sinking
What was I thinking

You won´t save me when you no longer care
You are a stranger, and I need air

Fighting for life
On my way to the surface
I have to fight
Even though you think I´m not worth it
Can´t open my eyes
My whole world is blue
Broken, blue, Barely alive
You pushed me in
Can still sense the danger
I can´t really swim
You wouldn´t know
Because you are a stranger

Reviews

[A. Amos]

You won´t save me when you no longer care
You are a stranger, and I need air

Elegantly written loved it

[Johanna]

Thankyou so much amos :) thanks for reading as well :)

[Pbrgrim]

I found myself praying that the person in the peom would find the surface. I felt the strong sense of struggle in it. Great job

[Johanna]

Thankyou :)) I´m glad

[Neon]

Nice Job! Your feelings are well converted into the words. As you already know, Neon hates seeing you sad so yeah, I'd love to say I think that guy with whom you were in love never sensed the beat of your love from his heart ever and never realized how lucky he was to be with you .. to be dating you at all... because hot guys as same as me love keeping angels ever happy without giving them hurt but bad guys as same as him always hurt angels and use them only for their nights to make their nights at all...& that's what I hate because hurting the angels don't ever meant to be loved but hated so now let the pain go into the winds and you just keep smiling, don't worry, all virtual powers of the earth are with you ever to make you smiley at an every place you step forward to make your life beautiful as same as you :)

[Johanna]

Thankyou Neon :)

But I´m not sad, and I´m not heartbroken.. this is just something I wrote, though I´m glad you like it :)

[Relic]

I like the way her conscience compares drowning to a relationship that is submerging from the lack of love or caring from the boyfriend. I think its fine as is. I like the repetition of "Not even when I need you" although I would find some way to slightly alter the second line in some way as it doesn't hold enough impact. Maybe if it was just shortened: Not even then...or something like that. But anyway, I like this poem, I think you did a great job on it.

[Johanna]

Thankyou for kind review and good ideas :)) I´ll think I´ll do that, thankyou so much:)

[Relic]

You're welcome my friend.

[Johanna]

Is it better now? :)

[Relic]

Never like before is a bit odd for some reason. how about "not like before?"

[Relic]

Hmm, I know you may not want to repeat the word 'not.' I think I would leave that line out and stick with the two lines. But, anyway, its your decision.

[Johanna]

I agree with you.. I think it looks better like that, with thoose two.. did shorten the other one now, to give it the extra bang effect :)

[Johanna]

Thankyou for the tip :)

[Relic]

You're welcome.