C-man part 2A Screenplay by Ben The story follows average college student Sergei and his adorably insane roomate Carl around on a series of lovable antics. This is the second episode of a series. Carl sitting at a computer Carl: Hey Sergei, I found a thing on the internet again Sergei: Don’t care Carl: No look, it’s cool Sergei: You think everything on the internet is cool Carl: Is it not? Sergei: Not to people who aren’t high, Carl Carl: Come on, I haven’t done anything in like… Long awkward pause Sergei: You going to finish that sentence? Carl: Nah, I’m good. No but look, it says here if I give them my name, address, and credit card information I could win a prize Sergei: I know you know that’s a scam and you’re just doing this to piss me off and you already did it didn’t you Carl: I did Sergei: How the hell did you even get a credit card? Carl: Ebay Sergei: But Carl: What? Sergei: But if… But if you didn’t have… But then how… why… what? Carl: So it says on the site that they’re going to come here to give us the prize Sergei: Who’s coming here? Carl: They Sergei (starting to get angry): Carl Carl: No seriously it doesn’t say Sergei: Well what site did you find it on? Carl: No comment Sergei: sighs, furryfanfic.com? With your search history still turned on? Carl: Your account was still signed in so I guess technically your search history was still turned on. Sergei: I mean, I keep my search history turned off so I guess that’s okay Carl: I turned it back on Sergei:Why!? Knock on the door Carl: Oh, that must be them Sergei: Carl I swear to whatever your religion’s God is if you agreed to host a mass yiff here again Carl: I believe in scientology Sergei: Just tell me that’s not who this is Carl: That’s not who it is Sergei: Are you lying to me? Carl (lightly laughing): I don’t f*****g know Potential Furry at the door: Hello! Please come let me in! This costume is really hot and it’s like 90 degrees out here! Sergei: Carl just tell me right now: what did you click on? Carl: Okay, so there was an ad, it said I could enlarge my penis, but it’s already too big so I clicked on the little x in the corner, but it turns out that was actually a fake x that took me to another site that said something about becoming a superhero or some s**t I don’t know I didn’t read it. It said I’d get a free cupcake if I put in all my information so it’s probably them bringing me that. Sergei: Alright maybe if you just shut up he’ll think we’re not here and leave Carl: Will he leave the cupcake though? Sergei: He didn’t bring you a cupcake! Probably not a furry at the door: You know I can hear you right? Can you guys seriously come let me in. Sergei: Not making a
sound Carl: Not making a
sound I: Okay, be right there Sergei: Damn it Carl Carl: Why the f**k are you blaming me for this? Sergei: Really? Carl: that’s fair Sergei: Why do you have that thing? Carl: Dr. Smitherbutt asked me to watch it for him while he was in court for malpractice again Sergei: What about all his other animals? I haven’t seen a squirrel and a cat running around, what did you do with them Carl: Yeah they’re gone Sergei: Gone where? Person at the door: Pounding the door Let me the f**k in-you invited me! Carl: I think we should let him in Person at the door: Thank you! Sergei opens door Man dressed in a fursuit is standing outside Sergei: looks at man and thinks for a second Nope. Carl you can deal with this one I’m out. Carl: rolls his roller chair over to door without getting up, then takes a relaxed position with his fist supporting his face How may I help you? Fursuit guy: I have a package delivery for Sergei Jakmiov Carl: SERGEI, PACKAGE FOR YOU! Sergei: Carl I’m literally standing three feet from you. I heard everything. Just because a high angle camera shot from directly behind you wouldn’t be able to see me doesn’t mean you have to shout like I’m on the other side of the house. Anyway, I didn’t order a package, this isn’t mine. Carl: I bet it’s the cupcake Sergei: I will literally bet you my car that it’s not the cupcake Fursuit guy: It’s the cupcake Sergei: Xenu f*****g damnit. Carl: Soooo, do I get your car Sergei: No Carl, I’m not going to give you my car Carl: But you said Sergei: And you actually genuinely believed I would give the only thing I own with any real value just because of something that bullshittingly stupid? Carl: That was my thought process, yes Sergei: Fine, you can use it for 1 day Carl: Cool, cuz, I already set your new seats on fire Sergei: What? How? Why!? Carl: Ebay Sergei: Okay we need to have a talk about how you’re using Ebay! Carl: I ate the cupcake Sergei: Good, I didn’t want the cupcake Carl: So even though it was your cupcake, you’re okay with me stealing it Sergei: Yes, you can have the cupcake Carl: So you’re saying that whenever I want something from you I can just take it and that’s okay? Sergei: Literally nothing I can do will stop you Fursuit guy: What about that one time? Sergei: Are you just lonely and sad and trying to be included in the conversation gets ignored Carl: How did you know about that? Fursuit guy: I’m a psychic Carl: Dr. Smitherbutt? I didn’t know you were a furry Dr. Smitherbutt: I live in an outhouse that contains nothing but drugs and animals Carl: I just thought that was because you were Mex- Sergei: Why are you here, Jogothy? Dr. Smitherbutt: I thought we’d already established that I was responding to an internet ad Carl: I’m going to be a superhero Sergei: Constant internet usage and mild racism is not a superpower Carl Dr. Smitherbutt: How sure are you about that? Carl: I’m not racist if I stereotype all races equally you fuckinnn… Sergei: Go on, say what you were gonna say Carl: I genuinely do not know what race you are. You’re like that kind of really tan shade of white where you might be part black or like an islander or something or you could just be a really tan white guy and I’ve been really confused about it since I met you Sergei: And you never thought to just ask me Carl: I don’t like to bother people Sergei: I want you to think about what you just said for a minute. Dr. Smitherbutt: I hope you don’t mind, but I brought a few friends along Sergei: And they’re already inside? Dr. Smitherbutt: They are Sergei: You are aware that like, laws exist, right? Dr. Smitherbutt: He said it was okay Carl: I was really drunk Sergei: You’re drunk now Carl: It’s medicinal Sergei: Not a thing Dr. Smitherbutt: Yes it is he needs it or he’ll die Carl: I’m an immortal. Just like Jesus Christ Silence for a moment Sergei: I Carl: Yes? Sergei: Well cuz… well cuz he died… but it didn’t really stay… but then he went to heaven Carl: Oh yeah, there’s also that Jesus. I forgot about him Dr Smitherbutt: Wait, you’ve met Jesus too Carl: Yeah dude. I love that guy, he sells me my weed Jesus (from the back): What’s up Carl Carl: Hey Jesus Sergei: I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced (Hay-soos) Jesus: It’s not Dr. Smitherbutt: is now inside despite never having been seen entering the house. Sergei Is visibly surprised and angry I suppose this is a good opportunity for you to meet the group now, so let’s introduce ourselves. Schäd you start Schäd (a German): Hi, my name is Schäd, and I’m an alcoholic, and I’m 1 week sober Another member of the group: No, Schäd, that meeting was yesterday. This is the league of superheroes Schäd: Sorry, I did a lot of molly last night Carl: It’s okay we’ve all been there From the back: I haven’t Jesus: Ignore him he’s impotent From the back: Stop telling people I’m impotent gets ignored Schäd: So as I was saying, this is the league of superheroes, and we’re here to make you join us. Carl: Cool, I’m in Schäd: Are you sure? Carl: No Schäd: Cool, thanks for joining. Bye A huge number of
people in f*****g ridiculous and entirely impractical costumes parade past
Sergei out the door Carl: See, look Sergei, I did a thing you wanted me to do, I got them to leave Sergei: And they only stole our tv, computer, couch, paintings, silverware, and a 12’ by 25’ rectangle of carpet (somehow) Carl: I mean, I guess when you invite people over from Craigslist you have to take the bad with the good Sergei: What was the good in that scenario? Carl: New friends Sergei: I’d argue but they’re probably still better people than you From outside: Hey look, I set his car on fire Dr. Smitherbutt: Oh, sorry about Jesus Sergei: Weren’t you supposed to be in court for malpractice Dr. Smitherbutt: They can’t convict you if you don’t show up to be convicted Sergei: They definitely can Dr. Smitherbutt: Pssh, what are they gonna do; arrest me? Sergei: Hopefully Schäd (From outside): They won’t, superheroes get immunity. Sergei: Didn’t you leave? Carl: So if I can’t be arrested… and I can’t be killed… then that means I can do anything I want with no consequences! Sergei stabs Carl with the samurai sword again Dr. Smitherbutt: That was probably a good call Carl: Face down on the floor, groaning I agree Schäd: comes back in So, I just realized that I don’t have a ride Dr. Smitherbutt: Not it Sergei: sighs not it Carl: still face down F**k Cut to Carl and Schäd
in Carl’s car. He has the windshield wipers going but the whole windshield is
still basically covered with ink Schäd: After a long, awkward silence, So, do you like sports? Carl: No, do you like movies? Schäd: No, you like anime? Carl: No, cooking shows? Schäd: No, long walks on the beach? Carl: No, porn? Schäd: Gay porn? Carl: Furry Schäd: What animals? Carl: Maybe like a lizard and that hippo from madagascar Schäd: Neither of those really have fur Carl: Do they actually have to for it to count as furry? Schäd: I’ve always thought so. But now that you bring it up I actually have no idea Carl: Do you want to get something to eat Schäd: I am f*****g starving let’s go to Chik Fil A Carl: Don’t they hate gay people? Schäd: I’m pretty sure the actors in The Room hated s****y acting and writing and terrible work environments but it’s not like that stopped anyone Carl: Apparently Tommy Wiseau got to have actual sex with the women in that movie when they were shooting the scenes and that’s why the production went on for so long. Schäd: That sounds like a really obvious lie Carl: It is Schäd: Cooool Long awkard silence
again Schäd: I think you passed it Carl: It is really f*****g hard to see out this car! Back at the house with
Sergei and Dr. Smitherbutt Jogothy: And then that’s when I pulled the third carrot out of her vagina Sergei: What the f**k was the context to that statement? We’ve just been standing here in total silence for like 20 minutes and then you just say that out of nowhere. Dr. Smitherbutt: I’m sorry. I’m really hi- Sergei: I don’t care if you’re high. I already just assume you are at any given time. That isn’t new information to me. Dr. Smitherbutt: I guess that’s fair Sergei: Why are you still here? I finally get Carl to leave for two minutes and now I have to babysit his developmentally disabled older brother Dr. Smitherbutt: I actually don’t have a car. I took a cab here but I spent the last of my cash on tipping the driver I: Uber’s really been hitting them hard Dr. Smitherbutt: Thank you I Sergei: If I give you some money to get home will you take your bird and leave Dr. Smitherbutt: What about my other animals? Sergei: They’re dead Dr. Smitherbutt: Produces a magician’s top hat and wand if they were dead, then how could I do this taps the hat and pulls a dead squirrel out of the hat Oh. S**t. Sergei: I’m calling the cops Dr. Smitherbutt: Immunity Sergei: Don’t care Dials 911 Automated message from the phone: The number you have dialed has been disconnected Sergei: I don’t know why I expected anything else Dr. Smitherbutt: Do you have a bathroom? Sergei: No Dr. Smitherbutt: Really Sergei: No Jogothy, there’s not a bathroom anywhere in this whole house Dr. Smitherbutt: That seems like an obvious architectural flaw Sergei: It is-are you gonna leave now? Dr. Smitherbutt: crouches, pulls down pants Sergei: F*****g fine: left door at the end of the hallway. Go down the stairs and turn right Dr. Smitherbutt: Your bathroom’s in a basement? Sergei: You tried to take a s**t on my floor! Dr. Smitherbutt: Technically it’s Carl’s floor since he marked it as his territory Flashback to the room
soon after Carl and Sergei moved in Carl is standing
completely naked peeing on the floor Carl: Hey Sergei look. I made a dick, with my dick. Look I peed in the shape of a penis on our floor Sergei: Carl why is the car on fire Carl: That was me-I was bored Sergei: This isn’t going to be very fun is it Now Dr. Smitherbutt: Like the majestic platypus he is Sergei: What are you still doing here!? Dr. Smitherbutt: It’s like ¾ out already I can’t just pull that s**t back in now! Sergei: Then just run outside! Dr. Smitherbutt: I can’t-I’ll get arrested for indecent exposure! Sergei: I don’t have time to argue with you just don’t do it here you’ll ruin the floor! Dr. Smitherbutt: I’m doing it on the empty square that Jesus stole! Sergei: That is marginally better but you still shouldn’t be doing it here at all Dr. Smitherbutt: Too late here it comes! Carl and Schäd
at the Chix Fil-A Carl: I think Jogothy just took a s**t on my floor Schäd: after an awkward pause I don’t… have a response to that. Also who’s Jogothy? Dr. Smitherbutt and
Sergei Sergei: I don’t know whether to be angry worried or impressed and that scares me. Shows Dr. Smitherbutt
standing over a dead cat Dr. Smitherbutt: See, this one’s not dead. Sergei: I mean… It wasn’t Dr. Smitherbutt: Ah, he’s just napping Sergei: I think the worst part was that I actually watched it come out of your a*s. Like when It was just the tail I kinda just thought it was like a weirdly long and hairy s**t which I guess could conceivably come out of you but like, that wasn’t just some sleight of hand you literally just pushed out a full on mostly intact dead cat a*s first Dr. Smitherbutt: Live cat Sergei: He hasn’t breathed since his head came out Dr. Smitherbutt: He likes to hold his breath Sergei: w- Dr. Smitherbutt: Which one of us is a medical professional? Sergei: Not you Dr. Smitherbutt: Ah-ah Sergei: What? Dr. Smitherbutt: No lying End of Episode 2 © 2019 BenAuthor's Note
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