Crashing Down

How I came to a realization the hard way.

 

We walk though this life acting like the pain of this world will never touch us. We feel like those horrible things we hear about will never happen to us. We have nothing to fear… I use to be one of those people. I’ve been lucky. In my entire life, I’ve only known true loss once when my grandmother pass away. I have been blessed with good health and a strong family. I felt like all those horrors would never touch me. Recently, I found out the hard way that I’m not invincible to this pain. Life caught up with me.

                Saturday, he called me. It had been a month since we broke up. My heart was still as broken as the day he said goodbye. “A lot has changed… we need to talk. Can you come over?” I was nervous. I was excited. But most of all, I was hesitant. I had finally stopped crying myself to sleep, could I afford to let him get close again? But my heart did the walking and I soon found myself standing in front of his apartment door. We spent the evening chatting and watching August Rush. It felt good to have his arm around me again. It felt so right to be at his side. As the morning hours rolled in, I headed home with a promise to come back over Tuesday evening. My heart felt lighter than it had all month. Things were looking good for us getting back together.

                Sunday, I went to Church like I always do. The Young Adult Service got out at 8pm. I drove home, only thinking of him. My essays were hard to focus on when I could still feel his hand on mine. My ringing phone snapped me out of my fog. It was his mom.  He was being rushed to the hospital. He swallowed a handful of morphine pills. The phone fell from my hands. I fell to my knees. Before I even knew it, I was calling my brother. My whole body was shaking. I could barely hold the phone to my ear. My brother helped me get under control enough to wait for his mom’s return call. She called an hour later. “He’s ok. We are taking him back to our house. He wants to talk to you.” She handed him the phone.

                 “What did you do? What happened?” I didn’t even wait for him to answer. “Don’t you know how damn much I care about you?” I could hear is raspy breathing, filled with emotion.  “I’m coming over.”

 “ok”

I ran around throwing things in a backpack for the night. As I got to the foot of my stairs, it hit me. He tried to kill himself. I almost lost him. Forever. I fell to my knees and started to cry uncontrollably. I grabbed my phone and called my best friend.

“Hello?”

“Oh God Jamie… *sob* Oh God.”

 “Hun, what happened? Are you ok?”

 “NO. He tried to kill himself. *sob* Oh God. I don’t know what to do.”

 The tears were closing up my air way. I could barely speak.  I picked myself up and calmed down enough to get in my car. I called my friend from Church. He prayed with me and gave me some advice on how to handle the situation.

                I pulled up in front of his parent’s house. He was standing out front waiting for me. I wiped my tears away and got out of the car and threw my arms around him. I didn’t let go for nearly 5 minutes. His heart was beating. He was breathing. He was alive. Thank God he was alive.

                We went up to his old room and sat down on the bed. He put his head in his hands and cried. I wrapped my arms around him and just held him and fought back my own tears. I had to be strong for him. He pulled his head up and just let it all spill out. He just started talking and confessed it all to me. He told me why and how he did what he did. When he finished, he just sat there staring at the floor. I didn’t know what to say. I had never been in that situation. So I didn’t say anything, I just continued to hold him. After a few hours, he fell asleep. I didn’t sleep a second all night. My hand was over his heart. I had to stay awake to make sure his heart kept beating. Every time I started to drift to sleep, I would jerk awake to make sure he was still breathing.  When the clock struck 12am, I softly whispered “happy birthday” to myself.

 

                This was the single most horrifying event in my life. I nearly lost the man I love. I always thought that kind of pain, that kind of fear, was beyond my life. Now I realize how precious this life is. All our happiness can be taken away in an instant. Life is so fragile, so fleeting, so amazing. I no longer walk around thinking that pain can’t hit me. I know it can. I’ve lived through it. I’m still living it. My heart hurts everyday with the memory of that night.

               

Reviews

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Wow. You brought tears to my eyes. That's so horrible. I'm glad that he wasn't successful and that you two are doing better now.

It's nice to see that your using writing as a way cope with your pain. As aweful as it is to have to deal with things like this in your life, I find that it ends up creating some of the most incredible stories. Keep cherishing every minute you have with him and come back to share some more of it with us. :)