What i hoped for

I have absolutely no idea how to begin to be honest. Maybe reading John Green’s “ Looking for Alaska” did something to me. 

For many years I have kept my emotions ,my experiences , my hopes, all bottled up within me. But by writing them down ,I suppose it has helped me release them so that others may know what they are.

Now let’s  get on with it then.

 What is that I hope for? I don’t know at the moment, but I hope to find out as I ponder over it by writing about it. I’ve  always wanted to be a writer, but I just didn’t know where to start.OK.So I lied about the writer part, although there is some truth to it. I was always scared about one one thing, “ What if I’m not ready? What if I would just simply write a lie that was never “Me” in any possible way.

“Fear”, my biggest nemesis gets the best of me at times I suppose. The only thing I fear after spiders is me myself. I  hate spiders by the way. Big or small. Those creepy crawlies always send up a chill up my spine. Well back to my fear of myself. To be a bit more specific I fear the dark part of me. Everyone has a dark side .For me it has always been my anger. Over the years I have tried and have achieved some success in taming this….this dark part of me. But I hope to conquer it. I think it was Julius Caesar who said “ Veni ,vidi,vici”;  “ I came ,I saw , I conquered”;and that’s what I aim to do. No way in hell am I going to give up now.

Lets drift a bit now shall we.

I remember a line from Virgil’s the Aenied. “ Descensus averno facilis est”; “ The downward path is always easy”. T’is true, its always easy to fall down but , getting back up ,however, remains the hard part. Well now that my cousin is here to disturb me, hmm, there goes my thoughts. Free flow is important you know. Well I’ve chased him away now.

Let’s return to what we were discussing. What do I hope for……Damn!! I still ain’t getting it. We’ll drift again then.

I call myself a narcissist some times. But truly, am I one? Yes , I am for the sake of me being “me”, I think I’ll have to be. It’s been quite helpful with self esteem problems anyway.

But what were the reasons for my metamorphosis from a once girly boy into this new and improved somewhat confident “Me”. Let’s explore those then.

My experience with sexual abuse.

I am a victim of child sexual abuse. This happened to me atleast five times in a series of five years. Once in each year. And this experience of mine changed me in ways both good and bad. My habit of self isolation came up after this , I suppose. Not talking, just wondering, just being myself. My experience changed me in more ways than I or anyone could ever imagine. The mental trauma , the pain of nit being able to do anything despite having known that I could have easily done something to stop it. But my fear made me feel powerless. These are uncharted areas that I haven’t shared with anybody else. But during the fifth incident , I allowed my anger , my preparedness, which had been bottled up for four years to flow. Those who witnessed the incident in the bus probably thought I was crazy, because I started laughing after punching the moron who molested me , in his face( this was after he got down in the next bus stop, by the way.). The relief it brought to me was overwhelming. I guess its true when they say, “ Everything happens for a reason”.

I could have sat still, allowing him to molest me, give in to my fear once more, be a mere puppet for the  man to play with. But no, never again was I ever going to allow anyone to destroy the dignity I had for myself. Never again .  I was no ‘gudiya ‘(doll) for people to mess with, I was a force to be reckoned with. No way was I going to allow anybody to f**k around with me again.And these thoughts gave me the strength and the hope I needed to love myself again .

I think I’ve found the answer to my question now.What is that I hope for? I hope for a “Me” who is in equilibrium with my dark side. Good and evil are nothing but two sides of the same coin. Both cant exist without the other. But I hope to have strength to uphold my dignity, to be in control of who I am , to be proud and confident enough to uphold myself and what I believed in. Live a life without regrets. But all this is just a part of the answer. The rest is unknown to me. But I intend to find it out and find it out ,I will.

                    “ Flecter si niqueo Superos

                       Acheronta Movebo”

                    

                     “ If I cannot move heaven then

                         I will raise hell”

-          Vergil, The Aenied

“Life was given to us a billion years ago. What have we done with it.”. This is the first dialogue from the movie “Lucy”. When I looked at this question from my own perspective, I thought about it myself. “ What had I done with my life in this world till now?Was I a burden or a blessing?”. I would obviously choose the second option because that should be the aim of every human being. Many think  I’m some philosophy freak, might be true, but hell I’m just giving out the facts.

I think its time for me to stop now. My journey to find the answer is not over. I doubt if it will ever get over because life is a journey.And me being fifteen , I’ve just started mine. A lot is still there to come. I just hope I’m ready for it……….

 

Reviews

[h d e rushin]

I am neither a belayer , by ease or purity, of any thing prosaic. But when a chapter is more
personal than phenomenon, which most modern prose has become, I listen and listen closely.
The imperative of this piece is the dialog of beguile and disapproval. But unlike poetry, with
prose you have to ask the question on behalf of the internal argument, is the story compelling
enough in its present framework to be trusted. And once again the trust factor in prose writing
is the relationships fostered between yourself and the reader that offers some conviction of
truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon. I think it is hard as hell
to decide whether you want to bring the reader along or drag the reader along...Trust me,
that will come with practice and time.

The story is compelling and sad. Molestation, self-hatred, fear, doubt. Sadly, but in the 21st
century every one who reads anything insists on the salacious, even if its just the back story,
of the theme of the original story. But this reads well, and obviously you have studied
enough to know that the heart of every story are the questions you suggest. Considering all
that happened, you could easily by 55 and not 15. But I would take a part the despair and
make a story about just it with elaboration and textual tendencies. The wonderful thing is
that you know how. You just don't know how much.....But you are very talented /

I too have a hatred for spiders. The don't scare me, I just don't like being in a room with them....
And you quote Virgil like my poet friends, this I love.. ...well done...dana

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Okay, well after really reading through this, I have a suitable commentary put together... at least i hope so. xD

okay, wording problems: the first thing that caught my eye is this line " Those creepy crawlies always send up a chill up my spine." it's not spelled wrong, just look at it again... It has the word "up" twice, whereas one is enough.

okay, moving on... about the dark side. You say it's your anger. But you were talking about fears, just before getting to the part about the dark side of everyone. Yes, we all have a dark side, but i believe that fears, anger, and such negative feelings all belong there. so i assume, you meant that anger takes up most of your dark side. to avoid confusion, I'd suggest you rewrite that part, to make it clear to any, and everyone reading this.

Other than that, this write feels to be very opened and honest. I hope i didn't offend you with the criticism.
I like it, and you should write more about yourself, i think your experiences might help some others, who are still going through those evil parts of life.
100 points my friend.

[Joel Armstrong]

Thank you Danny : ). And no offence taken. : ))
Il check it out ,the mistakes I mean. Thanks a ton.

[Dani The Unreviewed]

You're welcome :D

[Perdition]

I guess the major question that I kept repeating to myself here is, "What is this and why am I reading it ?" Is it a well written journal or a diary or maybe a short story that does not go into enough depth? Is it a confessional of sorts ? Yes and not specific enough. Keep writing and remember that the reader wants to be here and wants to have more than Virgil thrown about as if adding it gives more credential.

It is a talent but the story requires more and I am certain you will eventually begin that process. Ask yourself if you really wrote anything worthy here, other than you are educated and refuse to be a victim if the reader believes...yet not a victim all at the same.

Again it is or WAS well written but this "thing" spirals about and left this reader wondering what the actual point was. "Hell" should be raised and written as you relayed; did you truly do that here and did you truly show your human aspect (here I thinkn somewhat yes) or was it something else and why ? Hell of a gutsy confession though and a bit braggy as well but again..I know you will fix this and I feel you will get there very soon, you have fathoms in time so just keep writing and thanks..

[Joel Armstrong]

This is an old write my friend .it was the first one I posted on writers cafe. I wrote this two years ago .this was more in a way meant as a release for me and not the reader.the point of this 'thing ' as you put it was an attempt by me to ,to find a mode of release.it was not meant as a story,nor for the enjoyment of the reader,but as a means for me to release my emotions.I hope I make that clear.I posted it here on this site not for the viewership but as a means to say that wat hàppend will not hold me down.this "thing" was my first write.I will not edit it nor will I make any changes to it .this isma reminder of sorts for me.not for anybody else.
Thank you for the review my friend.forgive me if I appeared to be rude.I only wished to make my point.

[Perdition]

No..no rudenesss at all Joel. I Understand.
As I said this is a well written "I guess release" and be it a diary or a journal or release of sorts you will have to work it out. Why was I reading it was my question. You have a gift and whether t was 2 years ago or one day this posting is in a "Writer's" Cafe and not a Personal Help site so bear that in mind okay as I will always tell you how I feel about your "writing" as I would expect the same.
As for any theraputic purpose I can't nor would I suggest you put anyhthing of that nature down for any reasons other than for self ....bearing in mind where you are.
Keep writing as I would say you have a gift. Sorry if I misunderstood anything..I am only respondent to the writing on this site. Cheers and Namaste.

[Joel Armstrong]

I understood that my friend.I know the perks of putting something on a site such as this.and yes I do expect u to respond to my work just as I do to urs..I respect ur opinion and I thank you for that.no worries my friend : )
Namaste.

[Kshitij Srivastava]

We keep evolving many a times without realizing it. Not having ultimate control is sometimes a blessing in disguise and regretting about the time when we felt powerless yields nothing but loss of power in the present. The most significant part is you were able to move on from a low. A perk about being human, things depreciate with pressure and time, we have a choice. Nicely written. :D

[S. D. Forogar]

This one was definitely an unusual read, but I'll go at it with my Good and my Bad as always!

The GOOD: Namely, I find that the excellent references included in this piece add the most, by FAR, of anything to its overall power. I would recommend that the author continue along this trend in all manner of written works in the future, as it allows for that sense of connection to an audience that might otherwise lack it.

As well, BASED UPON THE NATURE OF THIS PIECE, I would say that the emotion shines through well. Now, unfortunately, I must stress that the mindset of a character is (or, perhaps, SHOULD BE) VASTLY different than that of a monologic work, but for this seemingly-cynical piece, I would accept that it does emphasize the work.

The BAD: First, and most noticeably, is the grammar. In almost EVERY instance of punctuation I found a flaw, and though I don't normally "harp" on this, when it gets to a certain level it becomes unacceptable. Primarily, comma usage is the more annoying error, but I'll go into depth with what I saw:

'For many years I have kept my emotions ,my experiences , my hopes, all bottled up within me.' Par. 2, Sent. 1.

COMMAS SHOULD ALWAYS BE FORMATTED THUS:

'For many years I have kept my emotions, my experiences, my hopes, all bottled up within me.' Par. 2, Sent. 1.

In the revised example, you'll notice that the commas are directly following the final letter of their respective word, rather than with a space between it and said letter, and that there is ALWAYS a space AFTER the comma and before the next word in the sentence. There is NEVER any other way of doing this that is grammatically correct.

'“Fear”, my biggest nemesis gets the best of me at times I suppose.' Par. 5, Sent. 1.

QUOTATION MARKS SHOULD ALWAYS ENCLOSE DIALOGUE, INCLUDING RELEVANT PUNCTUATION. Insofar as the comma or period preceding (respectively) the continuing or new sentence, they technically "count" as dialogue for all grammatical purposes. However, with dialogue, there is NO space between comma / period and quotation mark at its end. Also, this sentence was run-on; I would rewrite it, however it it possible simply to include commas to break it up some more. Both the edited and my personally-revised versions are below, in that order:

'“Fear,” my biggest nemesis(,) gets the best of me at times(,) I suppose.' Par. 5, Sent. 1.

'My greatest nemesis, Fear, often manifests at the most unfortunate times.' Par. 5, Sent. 1.

In my version, I simply capitalized Fear while neglecting any quotations, creating a sort of "character" of fear itself. However, by using quotation marks in this manner, the author might imply that what he refers to as "fear" may in fact be only metaphorical. To avoid all this confusion, I just left them out.

These same issues have been so in regards to periods as well, and should be corrected.

A couple final points I will install here. I would indent Paragraphs, either using Tab (recommended) or a predetermined number of spaces, and I would increase the size of font. Pretty much everything else was already covered in Sanguine's editing segment. I don't necessarily agree that EVERYTHING in her / his review is appropriate, but there is a vast deal of information contained therein. It's worth reading through and understanding.

There's not much I can do with a monologue, aside from what I have. There's no real story development yet, no character inclusions and no instances of detail that stand significantly. I'll need more content before I can get into a decent review, honestly.

[Sanguine]

Because of the lack of time on my hands (and the fact that it takes a while for me to review stories constructively) I will only review a few paragraphs of your- for want of a better word- monologue.


Paragraph one: (that doesn't really constitute as a paragraph but that is what I shall call it as I am at a loss as to what a better word would be.)

"I have absolutely no idea how to begin to be honest. Maybe reading John Green’s “ Looking for Alaska” did something to me. Hmmm."

The first sentence is this: "I have absolutely no idea how to begin to be honest."

That should be "I have absolutely no idea how to begin this, to be honest."

Corrections made:
- I inserted the word 'this' in between the words 'begin' and 'to'.
- I inserted a comma after the word 'this', right before the 'to be honest'.

Reasons for corrections:
- When you say "I have no idea how to begin" you have to specify what you are beginning. When you say 'this' is shows that you mean the piece of writing. Without the word, the very confused people who do not have the ability to see the obvious are confused as to what you are beginning.
- The 'to be honest' is almost an afterthought, and so it should be separated from the rest of the while being included in the sentence. Thus, a comma is used.

Your second sentence is this: (I am included the last sentence because it is only one word) "Maybe reading John Green’s “ Looking for Alaska” did something to me. Hmmm."

That should be something like: (I inserted the 'something like' because one change I made was not strictly grammatical but served to fit with the rest of the tone in your writing, since part of this is semi-formal while another is informal) "Maybe reading John Green’s “Looking for Alaska” did something to me, I don't know."

Corrections made:
- I removed the space that you had before the word 'looking' in the title "Looking for Alaska".
- I changed "Hmmm." and made it apart of the second sentence, while changing it to ", I don't know."

Reasons for corrections:
- It was probably a typo.
- I did this because the tone of that word is completely different to your piece of work and as you read it you can almost feel the halt in your mind that stops the flow. Keeping your tone the same keeps it smooth.



Paragraph two:

"For many years I have kept my emotions ,my experiences , my hopes, all bottled up within me. But by writing them down ,I suppose it has helped me release them so that others may know what they are.
Now let’s get on with it then."

I'm just going to do it in one big chunk:

What you have should be: "For many years I have kept my emotions, my experiences and my hopes all bottled up inside of me. But, by writing them down, I suppose it has helped me release them so that others may know what they are.
Let’s get on with it then:"

Corrections made:
- Unnecessary spaces.
- Fixed grammatical errors at the end of use of commas (placed an 'and' at the end).
- Fixed missing comma (in between 'but' and 'by').
- Removed the word 'now'
- Removed the full stop and replaced it with a colon.

Reasons for corrections:
- The spaces were probably typos.
- To make a list finished you must indicate that it has finished. You do this with the word 'and'.
- The part "by writing them down" is an extra piece of information that could be conveyed either by brackets or commas. I used commas as you had used a comma at the end of it.
- Its use was unnecessary and didn't interfere, nor enhance the writing.
- You told us that something would happen. In this case, that would be you talking. A colon informs us that something is happening. A full stop does not.



Paragraph three:

"What is that I hope for? I don’t know at the moment, but I hope to find out as I ponder over it by writing about it. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I just didn’t know where to start.OK.So I lied about the writer part, although there is some truth to it. I was always scared about one one thing, “ What if I’m not ready? What if I would just simply write a lie that was never “Me” in any possible way."

This paragraph is very confusing. When you read it, yes, it is understandable, but there are unnecessary words and parts. You have fragmented sentences that either need to be expanded, added to other sentences or gotten rid of completely. There are many different ways for this paragraph to go in, but I will only do one.

Should be (in my opinion): "What is it I hope for? I do not know at the moment, but I do hope to find out, preferably by writing about it. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I didn't know where to start. Okay, so I lied about the writer part, although there is some truth to it. I was always scared about one one thing: What if I’m not ready? What if I would just simply write a lie that was never 'me' in any possible way?"

Corrections made:
- I removed the word 'that' and replaced it with 'it'
- I changed "don't' to 'do not"
- I changed "but I hope" to "but I do hope"
- I completely got rid of "as I ponder it"
- I inserted the word 'preferably'

Reasons for corrections:
- There is no proper rule for the difference between these two words- every book, essay, blog or class I have ever read or attended to all agree on the same thing: you simply know. It depends completely on context, so no rules actually apply to them, although misuse is considered 'grammatically incorrect'. But, in the same argument, you can say that many rules apply to the two words, a different rule for every context. I do agree with this but the fact that there are so many just makes it easier to say that there are no rules. In your context I do know the rule: 'that' is referring to something already known, and yet you are asking a question so the word 'it' would be used. Very confusing, yes.
- I don't have an explanation for this change except that, in my opinion, it suits the tone and flow of the story better. I honestly have no other reason for that change.
- Again, purely for tone and flow reasons.
- An unnecessary part, and the word 'ponder' differs from the rest of your wording in a way that halts in the reader's mind.
- In the piece you seem to prefer writing as opposed to... whatever else you use.



Paragraph four:

"“Fear”, my biggest nemesis gets the best of me at times I suppose. The only thing I fear after spiders is me myself. I hate spiders by the way. Big or small. Those creepy crawlies always send up a chill up my spine. Well back to my fear of myself. To be a bit more specific I fear the dark part of me. Everyone has a dark side .For me it has always been my anger. Over the years I have tried and have achieved some success in taming this….this dark part of me. But I hope to conquer it. I think it was Julius Caesar who said “ Veni ,vidi,vici”; “ I came ,I saw , I conquered”;and that’s what I aim to do. No way in hell am I going to give up now.
Lets drift a bit now shall we."


Should be: "Fear, my biggest nemesis, gets the better of me at times, I suppose. The only thing I fear after spiders is myself. I hate spiders, by the way- big or small. Those creepy crawlies always send a chill up my spine.

But back to my fear of myself:

To be a bit more specific, I am afraid of the dark part of me. Everyone has a dark side. For me it has always been my anger. Over the years I have tried and have achieved some success in taming the dark part of me. But I do hope to conquer it. I think it was Julius Caesar who said "Veni, vidi, vici"- a phrase that translates to "I came; I saw; I conquered". That is what I aim to do. No way in Hell am I going to give up now.

Let's drift for a bit now, shall we?"

Corrections made:
- Quotations removed from 'Fear'.
- Commas around 'my biggest nemesis'.
- Changed the word 'best' to 'better'.
- Comma before "I suppose"
- Split your work up into separate parts.

Reasons for corrections:
- Unneeded. If Fear is your nemesis then Fear is somewhat like a person. Quotations may indicate a speech, a quote or sarcasm. You are not doing any of these so the quotation marks are not needed.
- It is extra information for the reader, and so is separate from what you are saying. Thus, the commas indicate the separation.
- Much like with the words 'it' and 'that' there are no firm grammatical rules- it relies on context. But there is a slight difference: 'best' appears to have a more positive connotation than 'better' and so 'better' is the one you use, purely because you are talking about fear, rather than happiness.
- Reason indicated above: separate thought.
- I did this because it is not easy to read this piece of writing when it is all clumped together. Space it out, and it looks much easier to read, which attracts more readers.

The rest of the changes made in this were grammatical ones mentioned above.

Your title should not be "What i hope for.........."

It should be "What I Hope For"

You use ellipses to often throughout your writing, and for the wrong reason- none of them are needed at all.

Ellipsis are a sequence of three dots (...) that indicate a trailing off in speech. You should not use them where there is not speech (of course, there are exceptions to every rules. Your writing, however, is not the exception). Also, it is only three dots. More than that and they all just blur together.

I hope I was helpful in the grammar section of this piece of writing, and I apologize if I was not. Proper grammar leads to clarity in writing- something that is necessary in a piece like this.

Thank you,
Sanguine

(And I apologize that the review is not as long as I said it would be- I figured that you had been waiting long enough.)

[Barbz]

How does a writer know that now is their time? There's a story to tell, it could be in rhyme. Prose is just fine , description is free, no rhythms are needed, it's visions you see. Let those words flow, without feeling doubt, and give us, in depth, what you're thinking about. It's got to be in you, and not on a whim, and you've got the goods.....I think failure is slim........Oh, by the way, I'm right there with you.....those dreaded spiders, I hate them too. Barbz

[Ryan Henderson]

I love this piece! It is a very good aspiration to have; to be a writer. The only thing you can do when you aspire for something is just to go for it! No matter what it is, you go for it. You make a goal, you set the plan, you make sure you make every preparation in order to achieve your aspirations. Smile and do not forget: This is your dream :)

[Confuser]

First: Of course I liked it. I do find myself with many questions, the use of past tense; what I believed in. That was very interesting: what did you believe in? An innocent world without demons? For you to ask questions in this writing is so necessary; forgive me for thinking aloud; I must remind myself, age 15, with a huge question mark? Not to question you, but along the same lines as your writing, how could you again, trust anyone? You are so much the better writer than I could ever be. I will send you an email also. The tone change when you began to write about being molested was quite clear. I enjoyed your writing very much and wish you to continue and let me know when you do..for I am intrigued. This is a journey I am compelled to follow....Also found it interesting that you brought up spiders: the thought of a spider crawling upon my body, like a wretched peverted molester seemed to have a commonality. Thank you.