Snakes

Based on an actual evnt from my own chldhood. "Sonny" (of course) was my older brother. Copyrighted story; all rights are reserved.

 

Snakes

Southwestern PA May, 1953

 

            “Oh, No!” I muttered to myself. “Oh, Noooo.”
            “Is something wrong, Joey?” Mrs. Walker asked concernedly. Actually, Mrs. Walker is a pretty good teacher, except for those assignments she’s always giving us. And the paddling I get when I don’t do them on time. And it’s always in front of the class! To serve as an example, she says.
            “No, Mrs. Walker. I guess not. Wellllll, did you say the science displays have to be in day after tomorrow?”
            “Yes, Joey. I told the class about that two weeks ago, don’t you remember?”
            “Yes, ma’am. I remember.” But really, I forgot. What can I do? What? Maybe I’ll think up something in my thinking place.
            After school I found myself at my thinking place, next to the creek (“Cross Crick”) that runs through town. For me, fishing always meant more time to just sit, ponder and plan than actually catching fish. Waiting for a nibble and watching to make sure the bait isn’t stolen by little chubs doesn’t take much concentration or brain power.
Hmmmm… snapping turtle over there next to a rock just in the water… Blue Heron upstream on an old log… dragonfly flyng backward... a green water snake sunning on a rock, two, three… wait a minute! Biology display?
            “Hey, Joey.” The voice came from just behind me. I guess I was off in dreamland again; I never heard Walt walk up.
            “Uh…Hi, Walt. Just fishin’. Not much luck.” I didn’t mention that catching fish for me was the least part of fishing. Thinking and daydreaming was most important. Daydreaming was my specialty.
            “Walt? Did you ever catch any snakes?”
            “Yeah, I do it with my bare hands. My hands are quick.”
            “I caught some once with a forked stick. I stick the fork behind their heads and pick them up. Wanna help me catch a couple? I need ‘em for a science thing in class.”
            “Let’s get started, Joey. How about that big jug behind old man Newman’s house? Looks like he’s throwing it out.” I saw the jug; about two gallons with a wide neck and more importantly, a lid already screwed on. Walt walked over, got it and started washing it out in the crick. He filled the bottom with water.
            I couldn’t believe it. Walt just walked over and reached down real quick and he had a snake in each hand, right behind their heads. He plunked them into the jar and I screwed the lid back on. With my forked stick I caught two and Walt caught two more with his hands.
            “Six should do it, Walt.” I admired our catch, wriggling around and trying to slide up the glass sides. It gave me a queasy feeling in my gut. I could feel my skin begin to crawl a little. Those little buggers were trying to get out! “Thanks, Walt. Now I have to go home and write something up.” I could always string a few words together and make the teacher think I worked hard studying something.
            I carried the jug home, holding it way away from my body and stuck it in our rickety wooden garage out back of the house. Right behind my bedroom window, I noted uneasily. They were still wiggling around, trying to climb over each other to get to the top of the jug. Metal lids are good, I thought. Real good.
            I wrote a real nice report from the encyclopedia, including how I caught the snakes, what they eat, and all that stuff. And how I would put them back in a couple days. I checked on my little buddies. They were still wiggling! The sun was pretty much down now, and the garage was getting dark. After watering dad’s garden I climbed into bed. Only about twenty feet from the jar of snakes I was taking to school tomorrow.
            Sleep didn’t come easy. Every time I closed my eyes I saw wiggling snakes. Just before midnight I sprang awake and sat up. Snakes! Snakes crawling out of a jug they tipped over and busted on the floor. Escaping snakes coming after me! Snakes that knew where I lived and what bed I slept in. Snakes, pissed off at the kid that caught them off their hot rocks and put them in a jug. Snakes, snakes, snakes!
            I lay back, eyes wide open, studying the ceiling. This is stupid, Joey. Snakes can’t get out of a glass jug. Unless they tip it over and break it, I thought. Finally, sometime after midnight I got up, pulled on my pants and shoes and borrowed dad’s flashlight. He didn’t mind, sleeping and all. I just wanted to check on the snakes to make sure they were okay.
            They were okay. But they were still wiggling. I didn’t think they were happy with me at all. I wondered if I could ever sleep that night. Nope, probably not. My decision became easier every minute I looked at them.
            Holding the flashlight in one hand I dubiously picked up the jug in my other and held it way away from my body. I started my trek down to the crick. I knew what I had to do. I just hoped they didn’t hold a grudge.
            After about ten minutes of walking I found myself next to the crick. Balancing the flashlight on a rock, I held the jug way away from me and unscrewed the cap. Real fast, I tipped the jug over the water and let them go. They didn’t turn right way and look at me, I gratefully saw. They were probably just trying to figure things out before looking for me. I set the jug down, grabbed the flashlight with its dimming light and started walking real fast for home. Part way there I stopped and shined the light behind me on the path. No pursuing, slithering snakes, I gratefully noted.
            I walked on home, not wasting any time. After another hour of laying there thinking, I finally went to sleep. No snakes to trouble my dreams.
            The next day, after recess, my buddy Ed caught me just before History class. “Hey, Joe. Walt tells me you’re showing snakes tomorrow?”
            “Naw. I felt sorry for them. I think I’ll show some flowers instead.”

Reviews

[JoeB]

(Regarding the Review below): Thanks, Kim. That's exactly what I was hoping for- a dismantling of my work that brings me to tears. I hope to recover and go to work today anyway...

JUST KIDDING! You make some excellent points. I plan to go through "Snakes" again and seriously consider the revisions you recommended (while continuing to be true to Joey's "voice," of course.) This was a very constructive review. Being new here, I haven't read any other reviews, and I was concerned they were all going to be "hey, great job!" with lots and lots of attaboys. I'm glad you cleared that up for me right off the bat. I would do the same in my own reviews, showing the positives while suggesting how the work could be improved. But the possibility of bad-review wars in "retaliation" for honest reviews would probably send me down the road.

You have done a lot to legitimize this site for me as a place to post works and have them honestly reviewed by peers. I mean, how will we ever do better if all we ever hear is attaboy/girl or see no review at all, to avoid hurt feelings?

Kim, I am posting this as a review after yours so it will be visible to all, instead of just sending you a private note. It just seems it would be more useful that way. (But I will send you a note that I had posted it.) If I am missing a way to append a note after or with your review, I'll do that, instead.

Thanks loads for your review. Perhaps I'll be able to do "Cleeetus" or one of your others soon. (Sharpens the carving knife, gets out the cleaver and grins.)

Just kidding, again! JoeB

[Kimberly Davis]

Joseph Bogo�your stories are very charming, dude.

Okay, speaking as though I were going to edit my own story, I might consider omitting the adverb qualifiers after 'she says', 'he says'. It does two things: it removes redundancies that might make the reading confusing and doesn't take away from the wonderful charm of the story at hand.

Also, I would go through and remove redundant words in the same paragraph, like 'thinking' toward the beginning of the story. Consider this:

"Yes, ma'am. I remember." But really, I forgot. What can I do? Looks like I'll have to visit my thinking place.
Cross Crick runs through town and is where I often find myself after school. For me, fishing there always meant more time to sit, ponder, and plan rather than actually catching fish. Waiting for a nibble and watching to make sure the bait isn't stolen by little chubs doesn't take much concentration or brain power. That day was no different.

That's plenty sufficient info that refers to his thinking place and the reader will know it's his thinking place without actually pointing it out. Does that make sense?

And in some instances, switching the order of sentences might make it read more natural.
Instead of this: "Hey, Joey." The voice came from just behind me. I guess I was off in dreamland again; I never heard Walt walk up.
How about this:
I guess I was off in dreamland again. I never heard Walt come up behind me.
"Hey, Joey."

'I could feel my skin begin to crawl a little. Those little buggers were trying to get out!'
This line (to me) could be stronger by taking out the first 'little'. I mean, if your skin begins-to-crawl�it's an implication that it's already crawling-a-little. What do you think? Ever since someone brought up 'pleonasms' (redundant statements) on the forums, I took note of how many I wrote in my own stories and took them out. I found that it makes a huge difference.

'Metal lids are good, I thought. Real good.
I wrote a real nice report from�'
Again, just me but I've learned to try and stay away from 'real' and 'very'. If I feel I need to use one or the other, I try to look up a stronger synonym. Either that, or omit the second 'real' before 'real nice'. 'Great' might work. Your protagonist uses 'dubiously' and 'pissed' so a stronger word wouldn't be out of line. What do you think?

'After about ten minutes of walking I found myself next to the crick. Balancing the flashlight on a rock, I held the jug way away from me and unscrewed the cap. Real fast, I tipped the jug over the water and let them go. They didn't turn right way and look at me, I gratefully saw. They were probably just trying to figure things out before looking for me. I set the jug down, grabbed the flashlight with its dimming light and started walking real fast for home. Part way there I stopped and shined the light behind me on the path. No pursuing, slithering snakes, I gratefully noted.'
This paragraph�Line one, I don't think you need 'of walking' because you've already established he was doing that in the previous paragraph. Just say, 'After about ten minutes�' That's perfect. Line two, >=| there's the word 'real' again. Line four, if it were me, I'd take out 'I gratefully saw' because 'gratefully' is used again in the last line and seriously, it sounds stronger without it. Line five, might sound stronger with 'dimming' before flashlight. 'I set the jug down, grabbed the dimming flashlight and made a beeline for home.' Something like that anyway, instead of 'real fast'.

Like I said, it's a charming piece, nicely descriptive, I could feel Joe's apprehension about the snakes. You do well, my friend!

Kim