Prisoned by the Mind

A Story by Jodyxox

Just about how i live with Anxiety and try to help others understand it,

Prisoned by the mind
She lies there. Still. Thinking about those conversations she had years ago.not being able to forget all the stupid things shes said in her life. She lies there. Locked up by her own mind, thinking. Dreaming. Of a time where she will heal and become important again. She tells no one. Not because she doesn’t want help. But because no one understands. She could try and attempt to say whats wrong. But with a illness like this. She couldn’t put it into words. For those who say to her “ get over it” and “ theres nothing to worry about” . Those people get her mad, they don’t know about this illness. Or what it actually does to you. Theres reasons shes like this. Reasons that she doesn’t want to remember, but she does.

Schools a struggle. Barely able to get out of bed without having the sickly feeling crawling up your throat like a devil crawling up out from hell. She gets up and goes because to her friends in school.. Shes quirky,loud and funny. She hasn’t told them. Why would she? She wouldn’t want to feel like shes attention seeking or being dramatic. In class when a teacher calls out on her for a answer. She knows it. But will her mind let her say it? No. All she can bring to say is “ I dunno” as she looks down to her paper where the answer is written. When the teacher finishes. She tries to hold back those tears of embarrassment and sucks it up with a smile. Will she let anyone see? No. She hears laughing and whispering from the cool girls behind her. Its about her. Of course it is she says to herself. Walking down the corridor, her mind thinks everyone is judging her. She misses lunch. Guess why? Eating in front of people isnt a option. Asking to go to the toilet during lessons. Just to get out of that presentation. Because what she has, wont allow her to stand up in front of her class mates and talk.

She goes home again. Grabs her phone, earphone and exits the world. Music helps people like her. Because they can all relate. She lies on her bed. Thinking. Looking up quote how life changes. But at the minute. Her life is sucks. She stalks celebrities on instagram. “Why cant I have her life?”. She sits and compares herself to everyone. Shes happy, shes pretty,shes smart. She sits downstairs with her family. Attempts to talk but all she gets back is insults. “ your being stupid” , “ your bullshitting, theres nothing wrong with you” , “ you need to grow up”. But what her family don’t realise, this mental illness cant be just “ stopped”. Shes poorly. But because it physically doesn’t show. “Its not real”. She doesn’t stay downstairs long. She rather be alone in her room. She lies there. On her phone on every social media, talking to her friends. Telling them shes “fine” or “great” while shes in pain from the day. At 2AM. Everyones asleep right? Nope. Not her. Shes afraid of the dark. And whats in the dark. The darkness makes her feel trapped. It’s a welcome sign for all the monsters. Not the ones under her bed. The ones inside her head. She tries her hardest to sleep. But it doesn’t stop the pictures. Nerves for the next day rush through her like a lightning strike.

The next day comes along. She wakes up. She acts like she wasn’t up until 4AM crying. She feels brave for the day, doesn’t last long. She gets to school. Boys in her class make snidey comments such as “ scruff” or “ugly” . She laughs its off. At dinner with her friends she laughs and smiles and has a great time. She forgets all her problems for a while.then she has to go home. Where she feels ioslated and alone. She has the same routine. Phone, earphones. Music. But this time she hears something. A small sound. Its coming from the sky. Aw wait , its just an aeroplane. But its not to her. Its World Wa Three. She slowly starts to panic, her heart races and she cant breath. She struggles as she tries to calm down. She wont shout for help because she doesn’t want anyone to see her look so weak. She gets a grip as the aeroplane sound disapears. She looks at herself in the mirror. “ it’s a aeroplane, why was I so scared! Im so stupid!” She critises herself. She feels worthless and like an idiot. Bu she doesn’t understand that her illness is real. She goes to her mum for help. “ just tell your mind that theres nothing to worry about”. Words she could have told herself. She doesn’t understand why shes like this. She doesn’t want to be like this. Her brothers make fun of her because she cant answer a call. Or answer the door. They don’t realise that having this illness. Its hard. Its not that shes to lazy to do these things. It’s the fact that she physically cant bring herself to do it. But do they understand that? No.

Out shopping with her family. She loves if. Seeing her sister and nephew. She travels to shops in a car. Shes shoved to the back. Why not? She is the smallest. She cant travel without her earphones because she hates socialising. Yes. Even with her own family. Because everything she says. She feels as if no one is listening. They get to the shops. She likes this new top. Her mum says she can have it. But theres one issue. Paying for it. See when someone has this illness, they don’t see a nice, friendly staff member at the till. They see a judgemental monster waiting to laugh at them. But do they believe you? Course not. Her dad says “ you can have it if you go pay for it”. She puts that nice top back. It isnt worth the risk. See one thing people without this illness don’t understand, pushing someone to do the thing they feel anxious doing wont fix their problem. It makes it worse. Now shes went home without that new top.

She starts college soon. She wants to be an actress. Or a TV presenter. Weird right? Someone so shy and anxious wants to be that. But its her dream. She truly believes that if she makes it. She will be happy. She took media as a course at college. Obviously her dad laughed. Why wouldn’t he? He knows shes not good enough to do that. Her brothers make fun because they think “ she wants to become a celebrity” . When really. She just wants to have a happy life. She doesn’t tell her friends what she wants to be. Incase they laugh to. Some nights it gets all too much. She lies there thinking and fearing of what will happen if she doesn’t make it. See having this illness makes her fear the future. She wants to move to London. But everyone throws doubts at her. “ you cant do this”, “ that will never work”. She tries to block her ears but those doubts find a way in. She doesn’t need people doubting her because she does it herself. Everyday. That’s the joy of having this illness. You get a friend. A little voice we like to call Anxiety. He is a monster. Who is with us all the time.

This monster lives inside of us. He laughs whenever someone compliments us and screams “their lying” in your ear. On a night when your trying to sleep. He talks to you. “ something bad going to happen tomorrow” he giggles as you try to dream. He hangs on you all day as your going through with your day. “ their looking at you” “their talking about you”. He sits in your mind and forces you to believe that when those silly boys call you a scruff. You are one.The monster wake you up during the night. “ your not gonna wake up” , he whispers. You try to ignore him. But the images come clear. You cant go to sleep. You wont wake up. Everyday you look in the mirror. Normal people would go “ I look pretty”. But people who have this monster by their side. They don’t see prettiness. They see weakness and ugliness. You know why? That little monster in their mind fills their head with negative words.

She watches the news. Normal right? Everyone does it. Then moves on with their lives. Nothing really sticks to them. But to her? She takes in everything she hears. Terrorists attacking? Their coming here next. Wars going on? That will be us soon. People dying. Shes now going to. All those things. Float to the back of her mind. But never forgotten. Shes scared. Terrified of the world and how people act. She doesn’t feel safe on this planet. She doesn’t want wars, attacks or death. Death has taken away important people in her life. Her dog, the only thing she could tell things to. Her nana. The woman her mother adored. Not knowing what happens when you die. She hopes that its lovely, that heaven exists. Maybe its because shes scared of dying? Or doesn’t like the fact of losing her family? But she has a belief in god. Because people with this illness need god. They need a helping hand once in a while and the only person who understands is god. She gets comfort from prayers and signs.

One thing people with this illness get, is panic attacks. These arent just little “ oh my god” worrying moments. These are near death moments. The shakes. The increased heart rate. The feeling like you’ve lost control and cant stop.you cant catch your breath, you cry. These don’t just happen when their alone. They happen in public to. But you see. People with this illness learn how to hide these attacks. Their dying on the inside. But are looking still on the outside. They don’t tell people about these attacks. There embarrassing. It makes you look weak. Even though your not. They fight battles everyday and don’t understand why. These type of people are strong. Maybe not physically. But emotionally. They go through their days trying to have fun. Then one minute later everything changes. They fight to survive these people. But not everyones war is won.

She goes to school. Shes in her form. Todays lesson is CVs, they learn how to write one. They add their name,address and expected grades. Those grades she makes up because she doesn’t expect to get any. Her teacher than asks the class “ write a personal statement, your hobbies, who you are and what your good at”. She sits there. Silent. Thinking. She has no hobbies,she sits at home. She cant have hobbies. Shes terrified of socialising. All her friends are racing infront writing down all their hobbies and talents. She struggles. “What are my talents”, she thinks to herself. She doesn’t have any. She wasn’t born with a gift. She can breath? Cant she? .. Just. Shes drowning in her thoughts. She cant type. She doesn’t know what to write.” Who am I as a person?” She negatively starts to name all her flaws and everything she isnt. She asks the teacher for help. “ I have no hobbies” she says to the teacher. The teacher laughs and says “ your unemployable then” this makes her feel down. When she thought it was all over, she buries her head into her arms. “ miss im not good at anything”. “ STOP THINKING NEGATIVE ALL THE TIME” the teacher yells. Bringing attention to her. Which she didn’t want. She cant help that she isnt good at anything, she didn’t do much as a kid or join any groups. The teacher doesn’t understand that with this illness, you have a negative mind. When it comes to writing who she is. She still sits there struggling. She doesn’t dare ask the teacher for help. She doesn’t know her. “ can you lie” she says with hop the teacher agrees. “ no it’s a big risk” the teacher says. “ well im queen of worrying, I have a phobia or anything, I cant do anything without panicking, I can go a whole day worrying”. She didn’t lie. That’s who she is. The teacher looks at her, “ you cant write that no one will employ you” . You said she couldn’t lie. That’s who she is. If she wrote anything else, that would be lying. The bell goes. Its home time finally. Shes trecks down to the bus bay to get on her bus. She feels worthless. She has actually let a teacher in and told her about her illness. But all she got was “ tuff”. She hops on the bus and listens to music. Forcing a smile to hide the tears. Shes hurt. That’s why she doesn’t tell people. No one understands. She realises she is worthless. She dies a little more inside.