Letters to my Baby Boy

A Story by JodieAnne

My heart broke when I lost my hero, my mossie. If it wasn't for my baby, and my loving Jake. I don't know where I would be now. I owe them the world.

What pregnancy meant for me? How was the experience?

A breeze really, maybe I have a good baby. He moved a lot, I think its to let me know he's still here. A little nudge every now and then isn't too bad, it's communication. Baby H is getting comfy.

It was hard being pregnant when my grandad, Mossie fell sick. I couldn't be around him in the hospital due to infections, which was a pain when usually i'd have slept outside the room. I wouldn't have left him. He was my best friend, my hero.

I couldn't see the positive in anything. People would talk to me about the baby as a distraction and I couldn't do that. I couldn't use my baby to escape everything that was sour. It felt wrong. And as a result, I left off the impression I didn't really care. Which I admit, was awful.

Baby Harley, you are my purpose and I'm so proud to say I have your dad, Jake thank you for supporting me. We are one team, and I can say with a heavy heart that we always will be.

So i'd like to take this time to explain, to the both of you.

I was finding it difficult to tell you how I felt, or anything to do with my feelings actually.

It should have been the happiest time of my life, being pregnant with you baby H. I promise, it wasn't that I weren't happy, but I had priorities. Mossie needed us.

I was drowning, I struggled to breathe saving everyone else. Trying to keep them afloat. You see, I've been holding the pen against a blank sheet for so long wondering how i'll tell you all about my hero who fell asleep, and how it was difficult to be happy, and enjoy you, my blessing. When everyone, including myself was so empty at the time. We had lost the head of our family. The man who introduced love to me, who showed me it was real. Nanny B and Moss had it, they were so lucky to have eachother.

He picked me up from school every day. Encouraged me to talk about my feelings, taught me how to put it on paper. I'd jump into the car, as he would roll the windows all the way down and when the sun would hit us a different type of way he would ask "what song are we singing today". He loved listening to me. And I loved listening to him. He would talk about the good old days, where he danced, and what music he danced to. He spoke about him growing up, his parents. He spoke about Nan, his Bid.

He told me he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for my Nan. And he really was right, she treasured him. Nanny B was there with him until the end, as you could imagine she would be.

The whole ward knew who 'Bid' was. Every morning they would welcome her, and say "Bid, he's waiting up for you. Today's a good day".

My heart ached for the woman who had such an impact on me growing up. I spent everyday with her, pregnant or not I was going to be there and support her as much I could.

Baby Harley the emotion we were going through was so raw, and I know one day you will understand that instead of spending time wondering about how wonderful you would be, I needed to be there to make sure nothing held her down, or stopped her having faith. Having hope that everything would be okay and the love of her life would one day come home.

Baby Harley, you saved me. I'd wake up thinking to myself where I'd find the energy, you would give me those little nudges, telling me I had it in the bag, things were fine. You always gave me the signs, which gave me the strength.

You have no idea what you done for me, you got me through the worst night of my life.

When we got the call, I answered it. We knew what it meant, and we didn't have a lot of time.

I couldn't believe it was real, I really was struggling. I organised the family to get to the hospital and no, I didn't cry. I had to be brave for her, give her the strength to put her shoes on, gather her coat and keys. I needed to be there for it all, every detail because neither of us was going to forget this moment ever again. Even if we closed our eyes and tried to wish it away.

We were rushing through time, hoping to get there as fast as we could, because slowing down wasn't an option. We had to be with him, for him.

Baby H, our Mossie was there for me from the start, for us all. He raised me and provided for us. I wanted you to meet him so bad, but what better legacy then to leave his name with you. I will tell you about him, because he deserves to be remembered.

My hero Mossie died on 13th October 2019 at 1:42 am. Baby Harley my absolute world, you were born 20/02/20 at 1:42 am.

The angels was with us that night, our angel, our Mossie.