Sanity

The tiny room was starting, yet again, to make her feel sick. She couldn’t believe she was stuck in that place. Her eyes went around the room as if it was the first time she entered the room. Her single bed sat against one wall accompanied by the shinny silver bowl in the opposite corner. She silently thanked God for disinfectants. It was bland, the room was white, white walls and so was the bedding, pillows, everything was white. 

‘Why the hell not black!’ She found herself scream on top of her lungs with all her might to the walls that just echoed back the question to her ears. This was not what she hoped for. 

Joan had been happy for a time in her life but things happened, she needed a getaway and this had been the right place at the time. No visitors for six months, free food and they’d leave her the hell alone. Just enough time to get her head together and come up with a plan.She sighed. She remembered the first day she walked in, pulling her jacket close to her body, she walked slowly to the counter. She hadn't showered, her 'bad hair day' proof of the mess that was in her head and most importantly her heart.

‘I am here to admit myself,’ she said quietly to the lady and immediately the nurse took down her name routinely, took he valuables and placed then in a locker, which was promptly labeled her name. A light blue tracksuit was handed to her together with soundless, light white running shoes.

She walked down the wide hallway that had shiny white tiles and white doors on each side. Every large door had a small window that only allowed a glimpse of who was inside the room. Or rather, what was inside the room. Two nurses accompanied her till she got to the room allocated to her. 

An escort? Why not? She could be a psychopath with murdering thoughts and could ninja the nurses in slow motion! She chuckled at her ridiculous thoughts.

‘Okay Joan, this is your room.’ The shorter nurse said slowly so she didn’t miss a word, she was after all being admitted in a mental hospital.

Joan walked in slowly, still clutching onto her tracksuit and running shoes. The slamming door startled her, keys fondled around the lock. She listened. This was the right thing to do, she told herself time and again. When her escort and left, she sat herself on the bed, staring at the wall across from her, she seemed to be staring into her past, it played before her eyes. 

That b*****d! How could she have been such a fool? The first day they had met he had been the man of her dreams. Everything was exactly the way she wanted, the color eyes, the walk, the gorgeous smile. She loved the tone of his voice, his arms so warm and safe... she shook her head in disapproval. She realized she was no different from the lady in the room across the hall that was singing a lullaby, or the other one shouting from down the hall somewhere. She stood, now feeling irritable; she paced up and down a small room. Stains started jumping before her eyes. One near the potty, another at the foot of her bed. A small on on the wall near the door shaped like a fly that had been murdered and proof concealed. It was unbearable to imagine how many how other people had been in the room before her.

She felt her throat drying up and sweat balls forming on her forehead. Water. She needed water. Yes, that’s all it was. She needed a long glass of cold water. Sparkling water. She walked to the door, twisted the knob...locked. She stood on her tiptoes and looked through the window. The corridor seemed endless, there was no one around, no movement.

‘Hello?’ she yelled, ‘hello!’ a little louder the second time. She kept calm, this would be her home for a few months. ‘I need a glass of water.’

‘Shut up, you tramp!!’ a voice yelled back to her from the corridor. She slowly moved away from the door, tears blinding her, a ball of tears forming in her throat, she buried her face in her hands. What had she done?

Chapter 1

All she needed to do is regain her composure and they’d surely release her. Her eyes darted around the room trying to get accustomed to the new environment. Her eyes rested again on the potty in the corner. She wondered how many other people had sat on it. She refused to think of it. She was, again, was grateful for disinfectants. There was no other window in the room except the one on the door. This made her feel claustrophobic; she was sure the room was getting smaller. Joan quickly snap shut her eyes and lay on her designer single bed. She laughed at this thought. At least she hadn’t lost her humor. Deep breathe. She relaxed and let her mind remember her life in Borrowdale Brook, living pretty in a mansion, the wife of a respectable lawyer. 

Shawn had just made partner. She remembered the fancy tea parties at the ‘Glen Club’. It was awkward it was named that, it was some kind of nickname that stuck, she assumed. Shawn had surprised her one afternoon with the news.

‘What do you think about that neighborhood, Borrowdale Brook?’ he asked casually

‘I don’t know, I’m sure there are pretty women that go to some club for tea parties with their Chihuahuas,’ she chuckled silently at the thought of old wrinkled shaky hand lifting a fancy china cup of tea.

‘Well I guess you will be one of them soon babe.’ He said quietly

‘Shawn what are you saying?’

‘I made partner Joan.’ The chair rocked backwards and Shawn landed on his back, legs in the air. Joan had dived right on him with so much she tipped them both over. They moved the following week. Joan became lonely in their new mansion. She cooked most the time and spent her days decorating and redecorating the house. She wanted more time with Shawn. He didn’t have the time. One afternoon he returned home and she sat waiting, he was leaving for a trip overseas.

‘Get off the pill? Are you out of your mind?’ he yelled, voicing his disapproval

‘Shawn, I think we should start a family’

‘No, we are not ready for a family.’ He walked past her to his bags, ‘and that’s final Joan, I am talking about this again.’

‘Can I then at least enroll back into college?’ Joan said standing up and going after him. He looked at her disapprovingly

‘How do I tell my friends, respectable lawyers, that my wife is in college?’ he picked up his bag. ‘I will not be embarrassed by you. I have given you a house, a car, everything you want. Can you at least try and be satisfied?’ And he was gone. No goodbye kiss, no hug. Her thirteen days alone in the house started. And so did her eight years of lawyer’s wife-hood. She attended every gala, every tea party, every function she had to. She even became friends with the other lawyers’ wives. 

She met Tina McKeebles at a gala and they went to tea parties together. They became friends. Tina took Joan to a new restaurant in the beginning of spring the previous year. Tina loved the restaurants.

‘Tina, I am tired of this life,’ Joan admitted suddenly. ‘I would like to be loved and appreciated. I want a husband and not a guardian!’

‘Dear, they are doing this for us.’ Tina said quietly scanning the menu.

‘Do you really believe that?’ Joan asked shaking her head. She needed to let it out. She was frustrated by the long nights Shawn was at work, the sex or lack of. The no communication policy in the house, it was all work and no play for Shawn. Regardless she was proud of him still, a partner at thirty-­six. She was thirty.

The door suddenly opened and a fat lady nurse stood in the doorway.

‘Its lunch time, follow me.’

‘Oh Thank God,’ Joan scurried to her feet, ‘I asked for a glass of water earlier and no one came,then this woman, she-­'

‘Miss please. Just follow the line, get your lunch and eat.’ The nurse cut in, obviously irritated by Joan’s complaints. She thinks I am crazy! Joan assumed

‘No you don’t understand,’ she started to explain herself, I came her voluntarily you see, I’m not crazy.’ Joan smiled trying her best to look sane. The grin on her face didn’t do her any good.

‘Of Course you are not lady. Now please follow the lines.’ It was no use. Joan found herself in a queue waiting her turn. She walked closer to the counter

‘I will have calamari rings and-­‘ she caught her own words when a large spoonful of spaghetti bolognese was dumped in a plate and handed to her.