The Rocks of Loreley

The Siren's Rocks

One shrouded evening, a moonless night

Above the river Rhine

She watched the treacherous river bend

Where sailors, lured, met their end

On the rocks of Loreley.

She sang on this moonless night,

Above the river rhine

She sang to the river gods

and the river carried her songs

From the rocks of Loreley

To guide her sailor lover home,

to rest upon the holm.

She cried to the Rhinemaidens

Not to lure her lover in

Towards the rocks of Loreley

When the fog had lift and night had passed

Stood she on the holm, watching for the mast,

When cries were heard, over the quays

“A wreck! A wreck! At Loreley!”

They rushed to the rock and in dismay:

The ship across the bend lay,

The waves and currents torn asunder

The ship of her sailor lover

Across the rock of Loreley

For hours on end she stayed:

‘til her dress and hair full of spray

For hours on Loreley she wept

Until at last she leapt

Off the rock of Loreley

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This ballad has so much potential!! It's brilliantly constructed, and the refrains are perfection at its finest. However, your choppy rhythm in various places undermines the power that it holds. The fourth stanza is fine if you simply make it the bridge stanza - which it technically is, given it's the only stanza that doesn't have the refrain for a coda....you could make the fifth stanza the same for the consistency of the power, but the rest should maintain some consistency of the rhythm you set in stanza 1 (such could easily be shortened a bit, if you'd like to have the main rhythm what you set in stanza 2).

Just some suggestions to think about, for you really have something going here, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste due to sloppy writing. Fantastic start!!

[Jacob Mahurien]

Thank you for your kind words. I usually post drafts up in here for my poetry, and rarely finish them.

[emipoemi]

You should definitely finish this one....it's too good to go to waste.