Getting over him

Him. It's one small word but it's one we think about constantly. We all have that one guy that no matter what we do we think about him. Mines name is Doc. Well that's the name I gave him. He is about to be a freshman in collage. But me well I'm going to be a sophomore. In high school. I know what your thinking. It is a big gap in grades when I met him I was the freshman and he was a senior. But I'm old for my grade and he's young for his. He is turning 18 this September and I will be 16 two months and 14 days later. The problem with us isn't that he's going 120,000 miles away to college because he's not he's going an hour or so away. Our problem happens to be a girl And answers to the name of Juice. Well that's what he calls her. Anyways my name is Softball well that's what it is to Doc. Others call me jjs1120. Doc is a track runner he runs distance. Witch means he is built nice! I met Doc in school. It was basketball season so I was on the same team as Juice. One day I walked into lunch and there he was. He was there sitting at MY table why would he sit with my table he only really knew one person there. Spyra. My answer didn't come for a few days though. After about a week of him sitting with us I followed him on twitter and then I direct messaged him not thinking he would reply but he did. We talked for a while on there then he gave me his number. I was in heaven a senior no a hot senior had just given me a freshman his number I couldn't believe it I was star struck. Over the next few weeks I talked to him we talked about everything. It turns out him and Juice got in a fight and he didn't want to sit at a table he wouldn't be comfortable at. Him and Juice were best friends. The kind everyone thinks is perfect for each other. But they were in a very confusing situation. Let me go back a little... Me and Juice were friends. We met during basket ball. At first I was just another freshman she had to deal with. That all changed in December. We went to Disney as a team. Some personal stuff happened with her and I understood it. All four of the freshman on the trip shared a room. Well one day it was just me and my friend in our room when we found out what was going on with Juice so we let her come in our room to get away from her twin sister and the other seniors. We talked a lot that night. Then there was anther time when laundry needed done. The freshman were supposed to stay back and do it but since one of the juniors was sick she wanted to stay. Juice decided to stay too so two of the other freshman went. Red went back to lay in her room. Juice invited baller and me into her room. When we got in there we all sat on the beds. We started talking again and this was the first time I had heard her talk about Doc. She told bus he was her best friend and they were always together but he mom wished she would hang out with girls more. After Disney we all stayed pretty close but we never talked about that night again. I met Doc two months later. After the big fight... He talked about it to me alot. I didn't mind it I like listening to other peoples problems. So after texting for a while we decided we wanted to hang out some where other than the lunch room. But with him being older we didn't think my dad would approve of it just being us so I asked a girl on the basketball team that was dating one of his friends and then the date was set. That was the first time I saw him out side of school. Our plans were to go to the movies which we did we went to see safe haven. While watching the movie we decided to go to dinner after words. So we went to eat n park. But my dad insisted on driving me. While we were at dinner I got a message asking if some one could have me home by 11. Finally my dad was going to let someone else drive me. We decided Doc could since he goes that way too. When it was time to leave he payed for my dinner (well fruit cup im not usually hungry) and then held the door for me. He even opened the truck door. Now was time for the first time I was going to be alone with him... It was nice the drive home we talked about the movie and things that were just kinda comfortable. A week later we hung out again this time it was me Doc and his friend the Italian. The Italian drove his own truck and me and Doc took his. We had to go the back way to the mall because Doc isn't supossed to drive on the high way. We all walked around for a while when we got there. Then we sat at the food court and they told me a story which is kind of funny they each took a while to tell the same story in a different way that's still ended the same. Then Italian had to go home. So me and Doc decided to go to Starbucks. We sat and talked for a while then we went to the outlets and walked around. We saw one of his friends there and left shortly after because it was cold. we drove around in his truck for a little while. As we were leaving he got a phone call it was the friend he had just seen he wanted to know if Doc was still at the outlets Doc said " no sorry man I gotta get my girl home". This made my head spin he called me his girl was it just a saying or did he really mean it? When we got to my house I kinda sat in the truck a little longer than most people would have and I just looked at him I wanted so badly for him to just kiss me or some thing. Which is weird for me because usually I hate physical contact and can't stand people touching me but with him it was different he was different. But he didn't so I got out of the truck said good night and went in side. We hung out one more time after that which is when we went to panera. He bought me a cookie and we talked about his dad and Pitt and other things. Then he dropped me off at the school because that's where my dad was. I didn't think this would be the last time we hung out but it was. One Saturday we talked about hanging out but he said there was some thing he had to do. later that night I got the message that hurt me more then anything else had. As it turns out Juice was supposed to have a date that night but he blew her off so Doc decided to go hang out with her to make her feel better. But in doing so he was blowing me off leaving me to be the one that was hurting. He texted me saying he didn't think it was going to work out and that he didnt want to "talk" to me any more. He was breaking up with me and we wernt even really dating. I had never been this hurt before I hated him but more importantly I hated her. I heard how upset he was and I was the one there to listen to him when he was hurting and he just went back to her. How could he do this and just be ok with the way it made me feel. The next morning they started dating. He wanted to make sure he had broken things off with me before going back to her. No matter how many times I read the messages it didn't hurt any less. I was so lost I didn't have anyone to talk to about this how could I we shared some of the same friends now. me and juice talked about this after words and she said she was sorry and she didn't know that any of this was going on. She said she didn't want to take my friend from me. She said she was fine with me still talking to him. But was I? He had just hurt me more then anyone else has. Was I ready to forgive him? Still to this day I don't know if I was at that time and its been a few months. I didn't want to lose my friend so I told him I was ok. We stayed friends and talked alot. Then he decided we shouldn't talk anymore he didn't feel it was right to Juice that he talk to me as much as he did but in a different text he said that it wasn't his choice to do this and that he didn't want to lose a friend. The next time I saw him in school I had a break down. Literally. I went to the bathroom and sank down against the wall and cried until baller came in to find out if I was all right. Finally I got myself together and went to class. Every day I saw them together hurt. But I managed to go to the end of the year with out doing any thing stupid. There were a lot of days that were harder than others. Especially right after I found out they were dating and then had to right a nice letter to her for the basketball banquet. After school ended we started to talk on and off again. Just as little check ups to see how the other was doing. Then it be came an every day thing at 11:11 I would text him and say "11:11 make a wish Doc". Him and Juice had a really big fight and he didn't think it was going to be one they would fix. He kept talking to me about it an I had to keep trying to say positive things about them and tell him that they would work it out. Well they did but somewhere in doing so he figured he should quit talking to me again. One night he just started fighting with me about one of the most stupid things in the world. He then sent me a message that said he didn't want to fight with me any more and that he was sorry. Before I even replied I got another one that said he couldn't talk to me and didn't want to any more and then the last word of his message pretty much killed me. He said Goodbye. We have had the conversation before that goodbyes are forever. This was supposed to be the last time we ever talked. After re reading the messages from that night i deleted them and everything that had to do with him. It was strange as I deleted the messages and his contact I felt my feelings for him start to delete. Not only the good feelings but the bad ones to by time I cried my self to sleep that night it was like I had completely cried out all of him he was no longer part of my life any more I didn't miss him and for the first time in months I didn't feel like I needed him. I was free. Last night I was laying in bed when I got a message from a number that wasn't in my phone. But I recognized the number so I decided to see what he had to say his message said " ok so look I don't expect you to read this or respond to this but I figured its some thing I should do. I wanted to apologize for freaking out before. To be honest I don't really know what came over me. I guess I was stressed out and over reacted to basically nothing. So I wanna keep this text short but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what all I said. Thank you for helping me through a hard time. And I'm not expecting to hear from you again or anything like that. I've done some things recently that I've come to regret and just wanted to get some things off my chest that I felt needed to be said." I was so happy to get this message. Not because it was from him but because he gave in first. He was the first one to break down and text. So when I replied I'm not sure if my reply was to what he said or to him for breaking down first but I said "thank you." he replied by saying "welcome it was long over due." So I said "ok well I should go. Have fun this week stay out of trouble haha You and the Italian on vacation together could be bad lol" he said "thanks we will stay outta trouble." And I said "night Doc." And he said "peace softball" Now I know it's stupid to think this much into something but I had to its important. I thought out in my head before I got his message. If he uses my name then he really doesn't want to be my friend. But if he says softball then maybe he does. And he said softball.... So now I figured I would wait and see what happens next because the truth is... I don't like him any more I like having my friend more then not having him in my life.... So yet again my story has changed. but has it really? history keeps repeating its self here. I let myself fall for him again and didnt stop to wonder if he would ever feel the same way for me as i do for him. i should have realized that he still cared for her. i shouldnt have let my self get attatched again. i cant help it tho. every time i talk to him i get butterflies in my stomache its like no matter what is going on around me ill still be happy because i am talking to him. i dont understand how a person that can make me feel like this could also be the person that makes me feel the worst. but none of this matters any more yes we are still talking but this time im going to distance my self and that should be easier since he leaves on the 21st.... Well it's now the 21st so he leaves today... It hurts a lot and I don't know how to get it to stop hurting. I know eventually ill move on and get over him but even after my feelings for him are no longer there I will still miss him so it will still hurt. The last Saturday of the fair I officially realized he doesn't feel about me the same way I do about him. But I'm ok with it and were supposed to have a rain check for when he comes home because yet again we were in the truck and didn't kiss. I'm really going to miss him but I know he will be fine and do great in college. He's smart and it does help me to know that he can do this.

Author's Note

updated: August 7, 2013 12:10 pm
Next update: August 21, 2013 2:48 pm