A Breif Dis-counter

Very short heart breaking love story.

I was in a well-known high street retailer one afternoon in Manchester trying to get some ideas for Christmas presents. I walked in and there was this absolutely stunning store assistant stood near the entrance. We immediately made eye contact and we held our gaze for what felt like an age; it was electric. She was tall with long red hair and piercing blue eyes, she was achingly beautiful. I browsed around the store as I intended while she helped a customer; we both kept stealing glances from one another. She had an aura about her, a disarming, friendly demeanour with a smile that could light up the dark. I kept my cool nonchalantly looking at items trying to mask a coy smile each time I caught her looking at me. Minutes later she made a beeline for me only to be interrupted by another customer. I could sense her frustration by the minor detour but returned to her charming self once again. Everything she did seemed to come from a place of genuine kindness, a true class act. Finally, she started walking over to me, her eyes locked onto mine. I thought 'I can't believe it, today is the day my luck changes.' She got closer; she was even more gorgeous then I first thought. My heart was racing; she was coming over to tell me what she wanted to tell me from the moment I walked in the store. She stood in front of me and in a cool tempered voice said;

"If you're not going to buy anything can you get out."

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

Good little story. I like the clever title, and that ending is quite humorous. I think a lot of people could have been on the receiving end of this misconception. When we see an attractive person, many of us misinterpret their attention as affection. There are a couple minor grammar issues, if you care for me to point them out. Regardless, good story!

[swearwolf]

Thank you for the review. I would really appreciate any help or advice from anyone no matter how minor it may be.

[Jacob Clifford]

That's a very good trait to have: willingness to accept help. The grammatical errors I noted are comma splices, something that messes up a TON of people. If you care to know what a comma splice is, a quick Google search should tell you what you need to know. In the third sentence, the comma before "it was electric" should either be a semi colon or a period. The same goes for the comma after "she helped a customer", and the comma "she got closer". And then at the very end, the part in quotes doesn't need to be in its own paragraph. It could be formatted as follows.

She stood in front of me and in a cool tempered said (comma or colon) "If you're not going to buy anything can you get out."

Very minor things that a lot of people wouldn't even catch. The grammatical errors didn't detract from the story, which, again, is fun to read.

[swearwolf]

I should have paid attention in school haha! Thank you very much I appreciate it.