Darkness becomes me

Shadows follow me there 

An abyss devoid of any light or care 

Black tendrils wafting about 

Infiltrating my essence whole out 

I walk without any direction

 In the blackness I feel my reduction 

I'll lose all my senses once its finished 

All my pain will blissfully vanish 

The shadows swallow me whole

 I invite them to make me their home 

They hungrily enter while I close my eyes 

Let the tears fall because then they'll never see the light

 Finally, I succumb and fall 

The pain, the memories and the light all gone

 Darkness is now what resides within me

 I am darkness now, darkness becomes me.

Author's Note

Honest reviews needed :)

Reviews

[Deon Visser]

Hi Jharna, I really like the melancholic darkness of this poem. You started with a nice rhythm but then it gets lost in your second and third stanza, but you do pick it up on the last stanza. I feel that if you read this poem aloud to yourself you'll get what I'm saying.

You don't need rhythm per-se but this is such a nice arrangement of ideas (Darkness is now what resides within me I am darkness now, darkness becomes me.) and it would be so much more powerful with that underlying rhythm. At least that's how I feel, regards...

[xDalliance]

Hello Deon! Yes I think I get what you're trying to say. Actually in the second and third stanza there were a few specific lines I wanted to use so I guess that disrupted the rhythm. I'll try again to bring in the rhythm I started off with. Thank you for the suggestion! Criticism of my work is what will bring me forward! :)

[yash]

To be honest if you demand, jharna, you write like a person really mature enough, emulating the metaphor of a candle soon to be blown off, being speculated by a philosopher in it's last of the seconds, when it gives it's most flickering flames before it loses itself and becomes one with the darkness it was struggling .

[Stephen]

I got some errors in your third stanza so, here i've corrected, have a look below

The shadows swallow me whole,
I invite them to "TAKE" me their home
They hungrily GET ENTERED WHEN I DO close my eyes
I let the tears DRIPPING DOWN because then they'll never see the light

So, it was just a correction but I'd like if some rhyme you'd have tried to put ...so, don't worry, i've one more version, here we go ...

The shadows swallow me whole
I invite them to TAKE me their home WITHOUT CRAWL
They hungrily GET ENTERED WHENEVER I close my eyes
MY tears ROLLING DOWN MY FACE
BUT AM ALREADY STUCK IN A DARK NIGHT
WHICH'S STILL SWALLOWING ME AMID THE WORLD OF "Shadowy Light!"

I hope, your not gonna spit some fire on me this time, hope i've helped you.
I love the concept, your ending's perfect...I really love the last stanza!

Keep writing!

[BlackRose]

I really like the darkness that exudes throughout this poem. Something about the second stanza though I'm not sure about. It seems off or not fit somehow. But everything else, a super great job. Not a bad writer yourself.

[xDalliance]

Thank you! Um, the off character in the second stanza is intentional. Something like a twist though I know it's not executed smoothly. Anyways thanks for the compliment! I'm still learning, I don't think I've reached the peak yet! :)

[BlackRose]

I see, sorry. If it's done in that way, then it would fit fine. I do the same too sometimes. With that said it's and overall superb piece. :o)

[xDalliance]

Thank you so much for your compliment! Means a lot to me! :D

[BlackRose]

Very much welcome. :oD

[T.H. Dalton]

I like this type of poem, not boring

[xDalliance]

Thank you! Glad you found it interesting :)

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Love the poem. Amazing poem.

Kaze~ :-)

[xDalliance]

Thank you so much Kaze! Means a lot coming from you! :D

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome. :-D

[Frieda P]

Darkly colored sentiments of emptiness. I like that last stanza....well said.

I'd change that third line to 'wafting about' or something other, so you don't repeat 'out 'over again.

[xDalliance]

Thank you! Yeah I think you're right. Thanks for the suggestion! :D

[Frieda P]

Was my pleasure...I have this obsession about repeating words...ha glad you agreed! :-)

[xDalliance]

Hahaha yeah I try not to repeat words but I guess I didn't have any other words to use! You helped me out so thanks again!

[Simran Kewlani]

It's exceptionally excellent. The last verse!

[xDalliance]

Thank you simran! :)