Lethal Attraction

 

 Lethal Attraction

 

The silver moon cast long, sinister shadows as she paced, heels clicking loudly on the pavement, announcing her presence. Her tight black outfit shielded her against the ferocious winds that caused the trees outside to rustle relentlessly. Only her pale, bloodless cheeks remained unprotected from the biting cold. As she walked, her katana sword swayed gently by her side, waiting patiently in its sheath. Her most efficient shield, although she doubted she would need it tonight.

 

Master Shin had forbbiden her from coming here, citing ‘inexperience’ as his reason. Lilith smirked as she pictured the look of glee he would have on his face when she brought him the thing he’d spent half a lifetime seeking. Her smile widened in anticipation as she approached the two hefty pillars that framed the courtyard and stopped the ancient ceiling from falling in on itself. She, too, had unfinished business.

 

She sensed before she saw them; a life skill she’d learnt from Master Shin- master your surroundings and search for any unwanted presence. There were two hiding behind each of the pillars. A whisper of a footstep behind her. She came to a standstill, spinning elegantly to face her opponent- a thin figure dressed in black, a tight mask concealing his features with only slits for eyes, sizing her up, watching her every move. He swung a roundhouse punch. She bent backwards and felt his knuckles swish past her nose. Regaining her balance, Lilith lashed out, her fists connecting with his jaw with a loud crunch.  He staggered backwards blindly, then fell to the ground in a heap.

Lilith whirled round as two more approached, running. She lifted her right foot and aimed a fierce kick at the first guy’s crotch. He doubled over in pain, a loud “oomph” escaping his lips. She kicked out again, this time at his chin. His voice tore out of his chest as he screamed in pain and like his friend, dropped to the ground, unconscious.

A flash of silver to her left. She threw herself backwards. A knife slammed into the pillar where her head had been moments ago. The culprit just stood there, making no attempt to move towards her. Lilith could sense his fear, he’d seen what she’d done to his friends. Nevertheless, he started towards her, swinging a punch. She grabbed his forearm, turned into him and thrust her elbow at his throat. His breath was forced out of him in a whoosh before she flung him hard into the pillar. Let him suffer the same fate as his damned knife!

 

Lilith hurried on, sure that the noise must have alerted more people to her presence. She turned into a dimly lit corridor, starting for the oak door at the end. Surely, what she was seeking was there.

She stopped, startled. There was someone around. She could feel them. Their aura was like no other; like a dark cloud that threatened to swallow her. Her pale pink lips parted in awe as she stared at the inhumane creature that stood at the end of the corridor. She blinked, not quite believing her eyes. The creature was perfectly pale and the bright moonlight illuminated the green veins on its bald head.

 

Blood-drinker, Lilith immediately thought, uncertainly.

“Vampire,” she uttered as the creature drew back its lips in a smile, revealing dreadful teeth that resembled that of a wild animal. Fangs-   curved and sharp and ready to feed.

Weren’t vampires just a myth? She thought as her heart-beat quickened and her feet began acting of their own accord, moving backwards. A story created merely to scare the toughest of warriors? But here one stood. Deadly and dangerous and…incredibly ugly.

No way were her fists going to survive an encounter such as this. Nevertheless, she kept her eyes trained her newest opponent, the way Master Shin had always taught her. Look them in the eyes for the eyes never lie. Although, she doubted he ever intended she’d be looking into the blood-red eyes of a vampire during those lessons.

She inhaled sharply as memories of the ancient vampire stories came flooding back to her. There was one: vampires with eyes as red as the richest strawberry, who were considerably weaker than other kinds of vampires and fallible with…steel or iron! What were they called? Aha! “Araminthe vampires,” she whispered breathlessly. Her right hand flew to the katana sword at her hip which gave a metallic whisper as she pulled it out of its sheath.

The sword glinted in the moonlight and Lilith thought she caught a flash of fear cross the vampire’s face as she brandished her weapon. With a sudden burst of courage, she ran towards the deadly predator, swinging her sword. She blinked as her sword caught thin air, her intended victim nowhere to be seen.

She spun round on her heels, her movement light and controlled. There it was. Great, it had unnatural speed too. The creature stalked towards her, a strange, gliding movement. Lilith held its gaze, the sword firmly in her grip.

Her vision blurred. Ice cold fingers grabbed her arms, over-powering her. Her beloved sword hit the ground with a loud clink, making her heart sink. She could feel hot, misty breath on her cheek; sharp nails digging into her skin.

“Dinner…” a crackly voice snarled as its jaw parted widely, revealing gleaming white fangs. Lilith struggled to no avail, cursing herself for thinking she could fight a vampire. Master Shin was right, wasn’t he always.

The fangs were extremely close to breaking her smooth skin. Then, a shudder and a loud yelp. The creature staggered back, eyes widened in surprise.

Lilith frowned; not quite what she’d been expecting. A soft gasp escaped her lips as she felt a sharp pain at the back of her head. She turned around weakly to face her newest attacker. A fleeting look of recognition passed her face before instant darkness clouded her vision, dragging her into the very depths of the murky waters below...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Another short story, this one to be continued. Please tell me what you think and for all 'fight scene' experts, how was my description? I'm experimenting and this is the first story I've ever written that contains any kind of fighting so I'm eager to know what you guys think...
To be continued, like I said before.
=D
x

*Update*: The next part is up now! It called Lethal Attraction(cont'd), please read.
Thanks!
x

Reviews

[DeathByChoice]

Thoughts (in order as reading)
I think in the first sentence when you say "her heels were clonking" you should say clicking (or another word of choice) clonking just sounds... strange.

NINJAS!!! :D

Nice fighting action but when she kicked the second guy in the face I'm not sure he would scream before passing out (but I'm not educated in fighting so maybe he would :/ )

"A flash of silver to her left. She threw herself backwards. A knife slammed into the pillar where her head had been moments ago" Maybe change to "had been just milliseconds ago.” Seems a little more dramatic.

“Inexperienced” ? Really? I'd hate to see their idea of experienced....

“...at her hip which gave a metallic whisper as she pulled it out of its sheath. The sword glint in the moonlight” Should be glinted

Overall I thought this was really good! Didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors :) This kind of seems like a semi-new take on vamps too, with the green veins. And I really want to know more about Lilith (its a vampire name so I automatically thought she was a vamp, but now I don't know.) I really want to know more about her and what happens, I want to know more about Master Shin too; was that vamp his enemy? Was he the one Lilith saw at the end of the story?
Very good, really want to know these things now!

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

Very good read, I don't read very many stories or books but you had a lot of imagery going on. Nice job. Keep it up.

I also like ninjas. :)

[Alicka]

Very good. A very different vampire story then the ones I've read. I can't wait for the next chapter.

[JelliFyshKissUs]

I'm chopping these up so that they are easier to read:
~She, too, had unfinished business.~
I'm guessing that is in accord with the pillars and the ceiling, but I don't think it's necessary. Seems that it just put there to end the paragraph.

Now it's time for the action:
~She detected them with ease--a skill she'd learnt from Master Shin: search out your surroundings with perceptive senses. There were four of them--two behind each pillar.
She listened attentively.
A whisper of a footstep pricked her ears, and she wheeled around on the balls of her feet, encountering her opponent. He was nothing more than a thin figure swallowed by black clothing--a mask concealing all but his eyes that sized her up and watched her every move with caution (or cautiously).
With trained patience, she waited for his attack.
His arm elevated and threw a roundhouse punch. Her torso bent backwards with ease, the "swish"(italicize) of his knuckles brushing her nose. Her body swung upright with a counterattack--a fist connecting with his jaw. His fragile face could not hold up to her solid hand; it crunched under the weight like glass.
He staggered back and fell to the ground, writhing in pain.~
In no way am I saying you have to use what I wrote. It is just the only way I know how to give you an idea of what might work better. When it comes to fighting scenes, my advice is to chop up every action into short sentences and explain the parts where they wait for the attack or sidestep or dodge with sedulous detail. The more little things you describe, the better the action. I think you have an idea of the basic points I'm trying to make.

I could go on and on with more suggestions but my medication is kicking in and my eyes won't focus well enough. I hope I've been helpful, and I look forward to more.

[JelliFyshKissUs]

Though I'm a bit exhausted with the whole thought of vampires, your story takes a different approach than the ones I've been asked to read recently. It's refreshing to get into some action. Overall, I loved it. I see tremendous talent and great potential. I hope you don't procrastinate on this one and leave us hanging, because you have sucked us in and now you have to take care of your fans.

Of course, I did find areas that could use tweaks. But do not become disheartened about that. The writings I love and see greatness in, I help.

The first paragraph is vivid, but could use some rearrangement and substitutions to make it pop( in my opinion of course). The first sentence is pivotal and you begin it with an image of shadows that isn't finished. The pavement should be mention with the shadows so the mind doesn't have an unfinished image that has to wait after she clacks her heels to finish it:
~The silver moon cast long, sinister shadows on the pavement she paced upon, her heels clicking loudly as if to announce her presence.~
Now the thought is complete in succession. We see the eerie shadows on the pavement THEN the loud click-clacks of her feet.

Next is her outfit. Nothing wrong there, but my mind craves vividness. Black and tight are good adjectives, but they are too simple for a descriptive writer like you:
~Black, leather fabric shielded her against the (chilling/icy) winds ferociously agitating the leaves.~
Sometimes we can be vivid without being wordy. That's what makes writing so fun.

[Roxi L]

This was really good. I have nothing to say.
Roxi

[livinglifeloud]

I like it, but your descrpitions of the ninjas, shouldn't be flat out ninja outfit, but maybe something along the lines of, 'dressed in black, their faces hidden by masks with only slits for the eyes, watching my every move,' or something like that. Otherwise great. I want to know what happens next!

[JessicaRenee]

I'm not usually drawn to "action" stories, but this was fantastic. The way you explained the fight scenes flowed well and kept my attention. You are really talented.
Once again, another great read!

[Kristen]

There's been a good amount of writing out there on vampires lately, but none quite like this. An intriguing view of the vampire, and the fight scenes, in my opinion, were well done!
Another great write!

[My Fair Lady]

Thank you for requesting a read my dear Jezzy. It is not often that I read stories, I usually review poetry because of my time constraints. However, I enjoyed this work, and am interested to know about the continuation. I like the descriptive nature here. I am honesty not sure how to reveiw the "fight" scenes, as I usually don't read similar work, but my minds eye could see it, and I even felt like I was witnessing it.. so that must be good. I hope I have not dissappointed you in your request for a review, I just feel that I am ill equipt for this type of work. I will endevour to practice however, and hope to read more of you. As Always... M'Lady

[Tanece Brooks]

This is very well written. Your imagery was amazing and I literally saw it as a movie flashing before my eyes. Overall, I really liked it. I don't think I saw any spelling mistakes, and perhaps one or two grammar mistakes like you forgot to throw a word in there. But those are easy to fix.

Your fight scene was fantastic. I often have a hard time writing fight scenes, but I could picture everything Lilith was doing as she faced down her attackers. Nice job.

Oh, and this also reminded me of an anime called Blood Plus. That fact that she has a katana and faced off against some vampires, just made me think of that. Oh and also, in the first paragraph I believe you said "her katana sword," you can simply put katana since adding the word sword doesn't really fit.

Keep up the good work.