Gula

At the dining table of Saligia Hospital, you might have expected all assortments of delicious food and sugary goodness when in fact, the courses are rats, toads and snakes. All of which is consumed by a man called Donny Bernard. You see, in his earlier life, he had consumed more food than that which one requires and got laughed at for his weight. He pursued vengeance as a matter of getting back at them by making his victims consume all types of poison from bleach to rat poison to drain cleaner and so on.

            Donny’s vengeance has led him to my hospital in the early days of September 2002. Later on at G floor, his mind was completely wiped out clean and was taught to consume the rats, toads and snakes alive as essential foods. He was killed in a matter of hours but, there’s nothing to save him now. He’s stuck. 

Reviews

[Paul]

Documentation
4/1/18
10:10 AM U.S. CST
"My Review of Gula by Jeynab, a Fellow Writer's Café Author"
by PB Jacobs (www.writerscafe.org)

Hey, Jeynab

First, you might want to switch your paragraphs around, and make your second paragraph your first paragraph. It's a social logic thing, to me. If you put something out there in writing, and then explain what it's all about, people will be able to follow what you are saying better. Social logic, or linear logic, works great with people. Just fill in the blank between point a (what you are writing about) and point b (a description of what you're writing about), and it's that simple. If you're confused, let your mind be your Magpie, and you'll get it. The phrase "What's on your mind," is what I mean by this.

A person's mind does think, but I don't think a lot of people pick up on this and become aware of this. Knowing what your inner anatomy consists of, and how it works is a golden part of life experience management and administration, if you ask me.

Sure, we all like to write, and a lot of people who try their hand at writing have a "Fake it till you make it" approach to doing things, but this makes for rough going, as a person doesn't have the correct and proper understandings and awareness to refer to (as in a base of inner information that makes sense). It's a mind-level education thing.

Knowing how your mind works, and knowing how to work with it, is a big thing. Mental health is based on this.

True enough, I'm not getting into your story content, as I don't feel like intruding, today. I'm a just be yourself kind of guy, and I don't review any certain way for too long.

You do hint around at conflict, but you need to re-hash things, to be more clear on what's going on in your thought life. Once you get your story straight in your thought life, even if it's kind of sort of, you will be able to put your thoughts and mental pictures into words that much better. Like I typed in my last review, thinking is writing, and writing is thinking. I don't think anyone can do one without the other very successfully.

Who knows, what you have here might just end up being in the Psyc Ward Classic category of stories. Persistence and know-how pay's. Mental health, practical application, and persistence pays, not to mention generativity skills, and administrative writing skills.

I hope you come back to what you have here, and work on it more, but you might want to think about what you have here, and picture it in your mind. Write about what you picture, and most importantly, be aware that you are picturing it!

PB Jacobs