Flickering out

I lay here in my bed, with all my sorrows and grief, Im sad, yet I can not weep.

I wish to cry a river, because then at least something is being released.

Yet I lie here in my bed, my tears are no where to be found.

I lie here and wonder if I am broken? I wonder am I really miserable?

Or am I just looking for Attention? Recognition? Validation? I''m not quite sure what it is really.

But what Attention would there be too be had? Recognition to be given?  Validation to be appointed?  As it is only me  here alone in my bed.

Away from the prying eyes, to see the real me, the one that hides behind that sunny smile and can do attitude.

The one with a million dreams, The one with a thousand ideas, The one to change the world.

The one who seems so strong ,so independent, so responsible. A warrior who never tires... who can never tire.

In reality, the only thing that is really great about me is the ability to deceive everyone around.

Shining so brightly that I blind everyone that dares to look at me.

Thinking that there is some kind of plan with some perfect execution.

That every mistake is accounted for, every margin of error is calculated precisely 

To reach this "end game" that is  actually unknown even to me...

 The assumed person with all the plans, the goals, the answers.

In reality, when the sun goes down and the house is quiet I lie here in this ice cold bed.

Layered up in sweaters, sweats and socks.

Swaddled by blankets, pillows and stuffed animals.

Trying to regain a warmth thats never been experienced.

Not even standing in the sun at its highest rise, blazing brightly enough to burn do I feel any warmth.

I lay here weary and fatigued. 

Chilled to the bone under the Moons watchful gaze.

Leaving me open and bare to who I really am.

I look to the stars which shine so big and bright.

Searching for answers that they seem to hide.

How they seem to dupe everyone with their luminous beauty.

Blindsiding everyone from the heinous truth.

For which they're fires that burn so bright.

Oh how they hypnotize us so.

Is really their demise for which we adore so profoundly...

So like a Gleaming Star.

I Ignite.

Hypnotizing all who dare to look upon me.

Basking in the glory of my dark light.

Nearly nothing remains.

But Cinder and Ash...

A mere fragment of ember...lost among the debris.

I lay here...

Dying inside.