Dispair

The phone I have next to me is suppose to give me company 

But it just sits here next to me 

And it is mocking me 

It's laughing at me

I’m screaming for help 

But no one is listening me

I’m shaking...

I can’t breathe

the world is closing in on me

I’m trembling, looking desperately 

For something 

Something 

an escape

A salvation, A safe haven

Is there someone I can depend on 

I need some one

But I'm to fucked up 

I fucked up so bad 

And I’m looking for a hand

Im lost.

But no matter where I turn... there is no hand to grasp within my shaky hands 

I have no one 

No one I can call to depend on when I’m scared 

I made the mistake to try and reach out once

Call out on my phone

But only I was just made a mockery 

There was nothing...

 No one came to my aid

Brushes off and unanswered 

Tossed aside like trash

I know I shouldn’t be mad

I deserve this 

Because I am so bad... so so bad 

This is my punishment 

 My problem 

My Issues

My demon, I shouldn’t rely on help because I can and I should help myself 

No one should come to my aid

This is why I do not push 

I’m guilty...with only myself to blame

I should just suffer 

I’m crying and I can’t stop

My head is spinning my head is warm

I can hear my heart beat faster in my chest

Help help 

No I can do this 

I can deal with it 

Why am I like this

I’m striking in on my self in shame 

I’m such a shame... a disgrace 

Undeserving of love

Of help 

Of anything...

I wish I could have some help 

I shouldn’t be so self fish 

I'm asking for too much, I know

A brat is what I am

why am I such a bother 

Unneeded, Unwanted 

I deserve to cry here alone

I shouldn’t be so soft

People have had it worse

And here I lay at 3 am crying all alone 

Alone in pain, in tears, in fear

Nothing more then an annoyance

 

Failure!

 What a failure I am!

It’s funny really 

I should be more then I am 

But I can’t accomplish nothing 

I should be banished 

Removed from the family name

Weakling... Pathetic 

Help!

I’m an emotional roller coaster 

I’m dizzy... the world is spinning 

I can’t stop moving

I think I need help

But there is no one 

Only me, myself and I 

To take care of me

I know they tried

But I was too much, Will always be to much

 No one should have to deal with me 

What a S**t Show!

That’s selfish to impose on others in my life

It’s why I love fantasy 

It’s an escape 

I can pretend that I am ok 

Is can pretend that someone willing to help me

 I am no longer a burden

A chore

A thing to pass the time

In fantasy 

I matter

I am good 

I am worth it

I am perfect, I am smart and I have someone there

It’s the only time things are ever truly ok 

And I bet feeling like I am ok... is like watching a good film 

With butterfly’s in my stomach

Someone to depend on....

Someone sturdy....

Someone reliable...

A protector.... 

More simplicity 

To be exposed to all my vulnerabilities 

Fears ,concerns, insecurities,

In fantasty 

They accepted for me fragility 

No push, no change,  no expectation 

Do better! Be better! Less Emotional!

Shove it deep deep down 

Where no one can see

“Like men, I shouldn’t cry”

I got to be stronger then T]that 

I have no choice 

No matter how tired I am

Even though I hurt..

The moment I stop fighting for my life...

I Will Sink 

like an anchor

Down ...down ....down....

Drowning and finally dying

Slowly, painfully suffocating

Suffering

But at least then I would be finally Free

Right?

Reviews

[Carina Baumert]

Despair is spelled D e s p a i r :)