Missing You

5/12/2016 dedicated to my daughter, my whole world

I try not to think of you when you are not around
Because when I do my heart falls to the ground
When your name is mentioned
When I see a photo of you
When I hear your voice in the back of my head
“daddy I love you”
I cry
I know you do
I know its true
The reason why
Is because without you im a wreck
I was born into this pitiful existence
Put here to do things I want no part of
God constantly punishing me
Satan begging me to be free
I was born a narcissistic sociopath
By very definition I couldn’t love
I couldn’t feel human emotion
Then there you were
My miracle, my plight against the wishes of god
You came into my life, right when I was ready to give it up
You saved me when I needed saving more than I ever thought I would
You save me every second you breath
Whether you are here or there
As I may cry everyday you are not around
And I want to hurt myself
I think of you
I look at the rings you gave me to keep safe for you
I kiss them and tell myself I can make it through this
I tell myself I can do this for you
Im scared my sins will be repaid by you
Thats something I never thought of before you were here
Now it eats me inside, all the pain, the suffering
What if god decides to punish you as well
The sins of the father and all that
I hold you in my arms and I feel invincible
I feel like nothing could hurt me
Nothing could stop me
Nothing could drop me
Then you return to your mothers, each time taking a piece of me with you
Now all that is left
Is the empty husk of your father
Because everything that keeps me going is with you
You are my heart
How I can even go on is a miracle
We werent meant to live with our hearts walking around baby girl
But im glad
You saved the world from a monster
But more importantly you saved this savage beast from himself
Once I took joy in hurting people
I laughed at pain and violence
I smiled at others disapointments
Now I just can’t
I cant see the world as being that bleak
A world that defies god
A world that gave me you
It all changed that moment you left the womb and entered this plane
A wave washed over me, and I saw for the first time
True beauty, a reason for humanity to perservere
I began to feel sadness at my wrong doings
I began to feel the regret of those I had hurt
I could never love truly before you, simply because you were always my heart
I was just waiting for you to arrive, and save me from the darkness that clouds my mind
The hate that consumes my soul has perished so much
Yet still I sit here scared
That you will see me one day
As the monster I always was
And deep down always will be
Just remember honey
No matter what
No matter your choices
Good or bad
No matter your mistakes
Your moral opinions
Your beliefs
Your ideals
No matter anything, even if it contradicts and goes against everything I believe in
I will always love you, no matter what
I will always choose you
And one day i would be honored
To pass from this life into the next
With you holding my hand
And the blade
Giving you the honor of Patricide
I love you
Nivera Dani-Jo Berwanger
Ill love you until my last breath
And ill love you in the next life
As my soul burns
The thought of you will keep me going
Eternally yours
forever and for always
-your father
--- the original painmonger