Wake-up to Sobriety

5/27/2016

I wake up to sobriety
I rise from my bed
The room is spinning
My skin is boiling
Inside my head, thoughts running rampant
“daddy where are you, daddy why are you not here”
Then comes the destruction of my very core
Followed by the letting of a tear
Alas no more fall as my head begins to throb
My arms almost to weak to scribble
Let alone to type
Enslaved for so long to the addictions of man
Sex, drugs, and lyrical genius
Although its mostly the first two, rather than the later
I break down a little inside
When I look at a bottle
I remember that kid
He had so far to go
Then he grabbed a bottle and didn”t put it down
For ages he drank in secret
He sold his body for his addictions
While all this did was worsen him
Then I think it will be ok
A few shots to numb the pain
I take them hesitantly, with tears in my eyes
My skin cools down
My arms stop hurting
My back feels unbroken
For a minute I’m fine
Then it hits, the pain leaves
But the emptiness feels all voids
It speaks to me
“nathan, oh nathan”
”what do you want, this isnt it, look around”
”you have so much”
but its not enough
”i know what you want”
”you dont deserve her, she doesnt need you”
but shes my daughter and I need her
”that may be, but , you ever think maybe, just maybe, she doesnt need you”
then my world fades
what if that guy, that little voice in the back of my head
What if he is there to help, not really to hurt
What if he is right
What if everyone would be better
If I were to be buried in the ground
Eyes filled with tears
I focus on the unimportant things
I focus on the few times I let her down
And not the thousand I made her day
I focus on the few times ive made her cry
Not the millions ive made her laugh and smile
I focus on my flaws and faults
And not the things I do perfect
I’ve said it before
Its all that keeps me going
Shes my heart
When shes gone, my body stalls out
The engine is empty
And I’m running on fumes
Without that heart
Sobriety is killing me
So I take that green
I break it into a hundred little fibers
Like my soul
I put it in my pipe
i grab a lighter and light
Theres a brief second before the flame hits the smoke
A brief second the flame reminds me
Then all I can smell is that smell of burning flesh and hair
I picture myself
That day, that day I was branded by the lords
And they chose to make my exterior match my burnt soul
To me, thats how I will always perceive others as seeing me
The burnt monster, to afraid of sobriety
Then the flame touches
I start to inhale
Then all my thoughts begin to fade
The sadness lingers
But the depression sits at bay
It seems I made it
Through yet another lonely miserable day
I exhale the smoke
And my worry and regrets along with it