Pain like rain

earlier piece with fresh addition

Pain pain go away Original (2007)

never come another day

you are like a blade

causing my heart to fade

when I'm lost in bliss

my heart you never fail to miss

if my love is deep Addition (12/30/2015)

the worse I'll weep

if i feel my love to be true

I'll constantly search for you

now with time

this battered beaten heart of mine

its understands life

what its like to lose a wife

to lose a son

to lose just everyone

so when i feel estatic

i also slightly panic

one thing i know

our hearts weren't meant to show

the truth about pain

is that with love, its the only thing you can gain

Reviews

[V]

I get what you write about and also the mood you actually planned to create but I think this poem could really use a more rhythmic pattern, so I'd suggest to lengthen some lines by putting extra words/syllables into it to make them match (with maybe the first two lines, there you got the rhythm). I think it will just be easier to read and follow if you stuck to an overall pattern.

[JetMardium]

thank you for your input. its only just barely made to keep to a rhyme scheme i had in originally i realize the rhythm picks up and drops throughout, but writing is about expression especially with poetry, as a poet i don't care about the reader of my poems i care about my thoughts and feelings expressed. I care about the way it reads only when it is meant to captivate audiences such as a book or short story, i would appreciate if you could review my book Through the eyes of a psychopath and give me some constructive criticism on that.
nonetheless thank you for your valuable input

[V]

Ok. I will take a look at your book, when I have some more spare time.