The Man I Am

Freedom: a story of the fall of oppression

Intro

This is a story about the oppression of “my” people and how they fought back nearly destroying all they love and hold dear. It is a tale fraught with much pain and heartache but alas it also contains love and friendship, and more importantly it shows us how we all have our faults and through our extensive diversity we can coexist and make a better world for our children to live in. I can admit more then anyone that I have been a horrible person especially when it comes to change. I was a racist, a reverse sexist, I was against homosexuals, and was never proud to call my country home. One day though I hope people will read this tale and that it will inspire them to stop, think, listen, care, and understand the situations of other people.  I hope it will inspire people to love change not to hate it, that it will inspire people to forgive not for others sake but for the sake of yourself.  Most of all though whether this is a success or a complete failure I hope my beautiful daughter Nivera DanI-Jo reads this one day and  learns what it means to be truly understanding not just of those around her but of me her own father. Nivera I am not sure how great of a father I will be over the years I promise ill always do my best and try my hardest to make sure your as happy as can be. I will always love you no matter what, any choice you make in your life even if it completely goes against everything I believe in I will support you no matter what because a fathers love is unending and a real father will stand beside his baby girl through everything, all the sunshine and smart decisions, and all the stupid decisions and the storms that come along with them. Daddy will always love you and be here for you, and you will always be my baby girl honey. I hope this gives you some insight into who I am.

Chapter One. A little about me

I am but a simple man, the only thing I really ever had going for me was my ability to speak. I could talk Lucifer into attending a Sunday sermon, and I used this to get my way when needed. I was born afflicted with many a curse, bi-polar, tourettes, narcissism, ocd, odd, adhd, and asthma. I wasn’t always in control of my body as I am now, and I cant always maintain this control. I often say things I don’t mean and don’t want, I don’t choose to say them I just say what I say by my own nature. I cant always control my actions, I move and twitch unexpectedly. This has led to me being nimble on my feet and quick with my hands.

I over think situations when I don’t want to, and often I alienate those who try and help. I can be calm and collective until you push me, and when you do I cant help but come back at you ten times harder and fiercer. I can go from being happy and cheery praising the lord and this day he brought us, to straight dead inside with even a simple joking put down. I’m frail and weak inside, desiccated and ruined. I wont ever show it to those of you who aren’t close to me, and even those that are don’t see the pain I go through. I act like a white knight but truth be told I’m just a scared little boy that was recruited to young and has been tempered into a shield shutting out all emotional contact.

I often use people to get my way and what I want. Everything I do is honestly to benefit me and the only two people that can ever have my heart at the same time. I wish more then anything that I could be normal, I would rather be a nobody for the rest of my life with a dead end job and seven screaming s****y bratty kids that hate me, then have to go through this internal struggle I live with everyday of my pathetic life. Most people think im just an a*****e, a prick, a jerk, a dick, or a b***h that likes to start s**t, when in reality I cant help myself in those situations. I don’t mean any of it. Once I start it though it keeps going and I inadvertently bury myself further and further.

I have alienated every woman who has ever loved me and changed good people into evil hateful beings. I killed my firstborn son by being to caring and loving with him. I will never forget that moment he died in my arms, as I laid there crying to him how sorry I was and how I wish I could have changed things. I caused the majority of my ex’s to abuse me physically, emotionally and mentally. The worst of them being my first wife, she was a good person once. That was until I changed her and she became evil and hateful and started to hurt me.

I failed my marriage and caused it to crumble into pieces. I’ve turned every single friend against myself and burned every bridge I have ever had. I wish so bad I could repair them but it will never happen after they are gone I cant help but make them want to be gone for good. I am amazed my family still puts up with me after everything I have done to hurt them, degrade them, and go against them. I guess even though they will never understand me, and honestly never love me as much as I wish they would and could, that they see the value of family as being worth putting up with me.

I am a loner in a crowd, at home in the dark. I find comfort in the things people don’t understand. I love the smell of a rotting animal carcass, I cant help but smile when I see someone die on television, I love the taste of human flesh and blood. I am the definition of a monster among men. I find joy in the misery of others especially my enemies. I reveal in the feat of crushing someone’s beliefs and ideals. I destroy peoples self image and respect for kicks, and I crush dreams because its easy. I will build you up just to watch you fall harder like my own personal game of jenga.

I hate who I am and who I have been. Throughout my life ive degraded my own self image even more then I could have imagined. I did every thing I could get a hold of especially pills, snorting, popping chewing, it didn’t matter I just needed to stop the pain. I was an alchoholic at sixteen, a prostitute by seventeen, and I used people and let them use me. Degrading my character and strengthening my self hate. I have tried to kill myself many times throughout the years. I could never bring myself to go all the way and the few times I did the rope which I used to hang myself would snap. I thought for the longest time that I was just so s****y that I couldn’t even kill myself right. Now though I realize that it wasn’t my time, and that God had a plan for me.

So here I am writing this book, it started off as a simple story of imagination. Now it is my memoir and the sole recounting of who I am and how I have and will continue to overcome and persevere my afflictions and become a better man. Not only for myself but most importantly my daughter. This book is called freedom the fall of oppression, it will be the story of how I overcame the oppression of my afflictions and gained freedom through understanding and forgiveness. Don’t worry though, for my devout followers I will mix my tale into a fantasy like you expect from me. I will include key points from my life and key moments. Thank you for being patient with my introduction, and this self rabble, I know its annoying as hell after spending your hard earned money on this book. So enjoy.

Chapter Two. The haunted forest

Change of plans readers this book has been on hold for months while I write my other stories and now its going to be solely my memoirs, the realest look at my life and what has forged me into the monster I am at this moment. This story is only for those who wish to understand me and the emotional nature behind my books. So once again enjoy. 

Chapter three six months later

So here we are half a year later and ive had many ups and downs with my mate theresa, yet we remain here stronger and more faithful then ever. Ive undergone many changes in the last year alone, coping with a failed marriage, dealing with the depression from not holding my gorgeous daughter in my arms everyday, relentless thoughts of self hurt, falling back into my s**t ways and somehow overcoming the urges of my nature thus far, heartbreak, threats and malicious tricks to harm and demean my character, and making a relationship last longer then a few fortnights, somehow ive managed to engage in my third longest relationship to date. Now though im in to deep, I cant leave, or be forced away or I would die. I have not only my own precious daughter now but three amazing step children to help raise and take care of, even though at times they can be so disrespectful that they remind me of myself and it scares me. Yet ive grown to love them all as my own children even if they could care any less for me, after all im just some guy that’s been here for a very small portion of their life, but im trying, im trying so hard to connect with them, but they just seem to make it impossible sometimes. The oldest and I have a friendship I suppose but still we arent as close as I wish, and the smaller two are far off from being phased by my being here or not. I spoil them with things they do not deserve and appreciate even less, but I already knew it would be like that when I had my own daughter, it’s a fathers job to take care of his family and try to make them happy even if they don’t appreciate it. I wish I understood this all when I was but a boy, my father has done so much for me that I never really appreciated but if not for him I would be far worse off then I already am. My mother and I have a complicated history, she doesn’t even truly know why part of me despises her, well mom if your still alive when this gets printed heres the truth, you raised me well dad was away, I thank you for that, I love you for that even though I hate showing it, but everything over the years, always assuming every bad thing was my fault, misjudging me my whole life, just making me feel like you didn’t truly love me even though deep down I know you do, and I know you always tried hard to make us kids happy and that was your flaw as a mother. Still though we havent hit the big note, Laurie, I say I have no memories of what happened in that house on hoover road, but truth is I still have bits and pieces and they haunt me, I can trace all my sexual misconceptions and desires to that very moment when my morality was forcibly taken from me as but a boy, im tearing up just writing this segment. She stole my morality and I was fucked for all time, the s**t with cookie and her family when I was with Raven, that was just sick as s**t and I couldn’t help but say my mind and I alienated myself from my closest relatives. And what this has to do with you is that even though I know its not your fault deep down part of me blames you for what she did to me, what she did to us, to our family, she was your sister, in your house, where was my mom to protect me at a moment such as that when I really needed you? You weren’t there and now here I sit fucked for life telling you things I could never say to your face because despite everything I still feel sad when I see you hurt. My brothers and I have had a rather un familial relationship, I have held the capability to end each of there lives at least once and each time it took all my will power to let them live, the darkness in me craves blood, but those men related to me, it just loves to show them my true power when they stand against me, I wish it wasn’t like that I mean brothers are supposed to love each other and protect each other at all costs. My father and his brothers are like that, but I and mine never have been. Currently im still on outs with my second oldest one, not his fault at all, completely me and my own hateful pride. Even when im wrong I cant admit it and say sorry. Lets discuss friends, I have always been an alpha its in my blood and when you push me I push back even if it takes a lot to push me in the first place, so I have always surrounded myself with people less attractive and less intelligent then myself so I wouldn’t have to worry about going against someone I love as a friend. I cry every single day, not much a few tears is all that manages to break through the watertight shield I have become, yet every day I try to release some of the pressure so I don’t blow up on those I love and break down for good. My ulterior motives have always been a factor in my life choices, even when it seems like there is nothing to gain, because there is always something to gain. Even now plans years in the making are only beginning to bear fruit and flourish into the deadly roses of my vengence. Life has never been that easy for anyone but for me it has been a struggle almost every day of my entire life even when I seem happier then I have ever been.