out on top

sacrifices for purposes.

you say hope comes out on top,
but all i want is to give up, i just
want to lift these hands in surrender.
to submit and never speak up.

not another word from me.
famous last ones, little whispers, triumphant and raging songs.
i want to close my mouth and be silent;
if i say nothing i can't be wrong.

you say hope comes out on top,
but tell me to stop hoping all the same.
i can't have what i want, can't want what i want.
whatever. you're still to blame.

when i say you don't know what i'm giving up
you think my life is what i'll throw away.
in one sense this is true, if i let go
of ever having anything to say.

you say hope comes out on top,
but it depends on whose heart still beats in their chest.
you say hope comes out on top,
but it depends on whose hands are around whose neck.

Author's Note

This is the only thing I've ever written like this. (and by 'this' I mean lacking capitalization, and in this laaaaame rhyme scheme.) If it feels rough to you, that's because it is. However, I'm not going to change it. If you review this, I need you to tell me how it made you feel. The emotions behind this, and the emotions caused by this, are very important. Please let me know.

Reviews

[Nikki]

Hey hun,

ok i just erased almost everything i put in here so ill try to replace everything i put but hey silverlining i might put even better crap than before *angry at self*

"you say hope comes out on top,
but all i want is to give up, i just
want to lift these hands in surrender.
to submit and never speak up."

ok first stanza i have to be honested didnt really grab my attention. also you may want to change the wording around. i dont mean change it completely, but you might want to make it more stronger. for instance instead of using Red, there are options to use Rust Crimson(though its grossly over used) Rose ect. see your not changing the word your just making it more expressive. I like how you laid out how the poems is going to be nicely without having it as in your face like a lot of "i give up,feels like the world is ending poems." you didnt really start of strong but you didnt start of horribly either.

"not another word from me.
famous last ones, little whispers, triumphant and raging songs.
i want to close my mouth and be silent;
if i say nothing i can't be wrong."

The rhyming sounds a bit forced. as to the emotion aspect im sure a lot of people could relate to this. again you might want to try more expressive words and they may be a bit harder to find the right rhyme to but that will just help make you a better writer ^_^ i think... i really do like the second line, its interesting and it doesnt seem to cliched at all so that is refreshing.

"you say hope comes out on top,
but tell me to stop hoping all the same.
i can't have what i want, can't want what i want.
whatever. you're still to blame."

this is a nicely done stanza, since you dont spoon feed your readers what you want them to see others can add what they think to it. if that makes any sense what so ever... it brings to mind a mental abuse, like someone always putting others down. Though the part i really didnt care for is "can't want what i want" again iknow the abuse thing comes into play there for me, but it seems to harsh in its contradiction to what you placed there before. It seems as im reading this im geting more involved and so more interested in it.

"when i say you don't know what i'm giving up
you think my life is what i'll throw away.
in one sense this is true, if i let go
of ever having anything to say."

ok i had to read this about three times before it sunk in sorry im a bit tired. i love it. i honestly dont see anything wrong with this part. I love the message you convey in this ^_^

"you say hope comes out on top,
but it depends on whose heart still beats in their chest.
you say hope comes out on top,
but it depends on whose hands are around whose neck."

Ok one thing i do have to point out, Is i think They would be a better word here to use than You, your speaking of (to me) an abusive person, yet there saying all these things about hope? it really doesnt make much sense to have "him/Her" saying that...though thats just me. anyway wonderful poem and i hope what i said didnt offend you too much,

all the love,
Nikki