Green and Gray

(For A.S.) A surrender, but to whom? To what?

No song we write can fulfill desires birthed in silence.
I can convince myself of such deceit all on my own.
No voices speak that lie, no lyrics can remain in the wake,
the roaring waves are all-consuming.
My emotions are indecipherable syllables, little slips
of sad adjectives and desperate verbs,
crumpled and crushed in fists tensed,
grasping at the balcony railing.
I stare into the lake, the greenest I have seen,
like a lush field of grass made waves by the wind.
Like your eyes, fresh and soft, peace
offered up in honesty and empathy.
And through the rain and the rushing waters
I hear you ask, "Why do you push me away?"
Three choices lay below in the churning
beneath the swiftly accelerating boat:
Take a dive, leave behind silence and song.
Or push you away, leave behind hope and honesty.
Or, for once, admit fault, and stop pushing.
I face you, defeated, and surrender with
rain now soaking everything in gray.
And in that moment I stopped pushing,
I let you love me, knowing by your eyes that
the gray, now blinding me against the waves,
would never let me love you in return.
It drowned all voices, truth or lies.
Drowned all sound, song or storm.
The gray drowned the colors of the lake,
the green of your eyes, and drowned out the memory
of a love song we intended to drown ourselves in.

Reviews

[fireblossom]

Very captivating and intimate. Great relation of vision. Great use of metaphor. I really like your writing. It leaves me feeling better even when it is sad.

[Brandon T. Bisceglia]

The pictures in this poem are wonderful. You manage to connect a number of specific themes and thread them throughout the piece. They appear and reappear in new manifestations. Certain types of words anchor the menagerie: sound, water, drowning, pushing, and of course the colors green and gray. The ability to marry such depth and complexity is rare, and you pull it off with elegance.

Some readers may find the consistently shifting multiplicity of themes a bit much to digest, and I would recommend not getting carried away with it. There is a lot you can say without creating a dissertation. Not that I think you're guilty of that here, but it's something I have had trouble with in my own writing - and is therefore a road I'd like to help you avoid.

You slow, litling pace is perfect, like slowly moving toward consciousness. There are a few minor points where your syntax does not carry properly, though. For example, in the line "rain now soaking everything in gray," the antecedent of "gray" suggests that the rain is only soaking gray objects. What I believe you mean is that the rain is turning all objects to gray. You could better serve your meaning with a little twist of words, such as "gray rain now painting everything the same," or something of that nature.

Also, in the lines "and through the rain and the rushing waters" and "and in that moment I stopped pushing," get rid of the erroneous first instance of "and." It doesn't add anything as a connector, and actually takes away from the raw force of an assertive statement.

Finally, I know you might be in love with the line "like a lush field of grass made waves by the wind." It is indeed an evocative image, and I like it too, but it doesn't actually contribute anything substantial to the point of your poem. It'd be more effective simply to skip a second simile, and directly compare the lake to the beloved's eyes. One important rule of poetry I always try to keep in mind - every line, every word, every mark on the page either adds to or subtracts from the strength of the poem.

From "My emotions are indecipherable syllables..." to "...the balcony railing" is my favorite part. You truly made the words dance for me in that moment.

[Spoken]

very vivid descriptions. I love your choice of words.. the flow and tone is very pleasant.

crumpled and crushed in fists tensed,
grasping at the balcony railing.
I stare into the lake, the greenest I have seen,
like a lush field of grass made waves by the wind.

my favorite lines. Wonderful piece!

[SamSarcasm]

O fair lady , your words utter greatness.

[Phill Oz O'fee]

I got the impression of surrendering to profound pressures of passionate desires, unfortunately in a forbidden or adulterous relationship. The kind of happenstance when the heart rules the head.

Unfortunately, someone always ends up being hurt. Even if I'm wrong, the poem certainly stimulated my imagination and thus has proven to be a clever and professional write.

Excellent!

God's Blessing
Phillozofee

[RAWR!]

this is the first piece ive read by you,
and i must say i like it alot.
i like the way you write.
when i try to write like that i always fail,

[MarcZw]

Kate, Yours is the best on WC! You're not writing poems, but life!

[James Jason Dye]

Lost love is always the hardest kind to walk away from and the hardest blow for the one still in love to take. That was my intrepretation of your poem, you stopped trying due to some outside force possibly dulling your emotions, this gray. It made me kind of sad because I had a relationship like this end before where she had decided she didn't love me anymore or never loved me in the first place and moved on. I think this is very original, I think you pretty much owned every line and there really is no discrepancy that I could pick at and provides a moments of inspiration at a glance at lines like "My emotions are indecipherable syllables, little slips" Good use of imagery too.

[Elise O'Haire]

Whew! I liked that one!! I love this type of poetry. It is really great! This is the first piece of writing I've read of yours...and I'm already hooked! Great job!

God's Love,
Elise O'Haire