My father and I have moved around a lot
since I became a werewolf, so when we moved to a secluded cabin in the
mountains of North Carolina I wasn’t surprised. My father had a knack for finding
these kinds of places. It was a Monday night, which meant spaghetti and garlic
bread. The scent of tomato sauce, boiling pasta noodles, and over seasoned
garlic bread filled the entire cabin as my father, August, cooked and pretended
to be a chef. As I sat in my room, dying of boredom, I hastily decided to go
for a run.
“Dad, I’m going on a run!” I yelled
from the front porch.
“Be careful and do not let anyone see
you!” He yelled back while stirring a pot of pasta noodles.
Pieces of my clothing fluttered to the
wooden porch delicately, until, eventually, I was bare. I stepped down from the
porch, allowing my feet to somewhat settle onto the cold, damp forest floor and
it began. With one swift move I knelt to the ground, allowing my bones to
shift. Little by little I took on the form of a wolf with glowing green eyes.
Running through the forest, smelling
the pine trees and hearing all the different sounds of nature like owls hooting
and crickets chirping was liberating. As I stood there in the middle of the
forest, taking it all in something smelt very wrong and that’s when I sensed my
father was in distress. Quickly, I ran back towards the cabin and when I was
close enough that’s when I smelt them. The hunters. I crept up to the edge of the
woods and I immediately saw my father being dragged out and shoved to the
ground. When I started to emerge from hiding, I heard my fathers voice loud and
clear in my head, telling me to stay hidden. I obeyed, and then watched as he
was stunned, handcuffed and shoved into the back of a black armored van.
* * * *
All
at once, the annoyingly loud sound of a cars horn burst into Aeliana’s
thoughts, and she swiftly jumped out of the speeding cars way. She had
foolishly zoned out while walking along side the road. When
Aeliana refocused on the road ahead she saw a small sign that said, “Fair
Grounds 5miles” and she got a sudden burst of energy.
“This can’t be it.”
Aeliana sighed in disbelief as she walked into the old fair grounds.
Aeliana continued to walk through what used to be the old fair
grounds, but was now just some camping grounds for what looked to be gypsies.
This place was completely taken back by the forest, there were makeshift homes,
and small trailers scattered all around. Deciding to make the most of it,
Aeliana began to look around. She must have looked through hundreds of these
makeshift homes and trailers when she stumbled onto a trailer that stood away
from the rest. Aeliana fearlessly walked up the stairs and into the home. When
she walked through the door, she heard a shower running, and she used that to
her advantage. She searched hopelessly through this persons home in hopes she
would find something that was connected to her father. As she was looking
through the nightstand in the bedroom, she heard the shower turn off and saw
the bathroom door opening.
Okay, so I added just a tad more to the preview of chapter one. I kind of want to do this throughout the chapter, just to keep you guys interested. Let me know how you like the new addition:)
My Review
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Interesting. :) There were a few grammatical errors, but nothing another read-through with a red pen can't fix. ;)
I've read a lot of werewolf stories, and I think that if you want to set yours apart you could change the main character to a shapeshifter (who takes the form of a wolf) instead of a werewolf (which is—in my opinion—a cliché, and because it seems all he can do is shift into that form).
Anyhoo, that's just my opinion, and you're the writer. ;)
I look forward to reading your next chapter! Good job so far!!
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Could you be a little more specific on the grammar errors? And thank you for your suggestion lol.
"and when we moved..." should be "so when we moved..."; "It’s a Monday night, which means spaghett.. read more"and when we moved..." should be "so when we moved..."; "It’s a Monday night, which means spaghetti and garlic bread." this should be past tense; "in my room dying of boredom,..." -> "in my room, dying of boredom,...;" "yelled back, while stirring..." -> "yelled back while stirring... " OR "yelled back, stirring... ;" "With delicacy pieces of my clothing fluttered..." would probably should better as "Pieces of my clothing fluttered delicately...;" "settle into..." -> "settle onto;" "and that’s when it began." -> "and it began.;" "I was kneeling on the ground allowing..." -> "I knelt on the ground, allowing...;" "to shift, and little by little..." "to shift. Little by little...;" the sentence after this one needs to be past tense; "I smelt them";" I'd suggest putting "them" in italics, rather than quotation marks and make it I smelt them. The Hunters.;" "being drug out..." -> "being dragged out...;" this one isn't grammatical, but I think it would sound better: "I obeyed. He was then stunned..." -> "I obeyed, and then watched as he was then stunned..."
Feel free to ask me for any editing help, etc. :) I look forward to reading more!! :D
your welcome jess, i think this books is going to be really great once you start putting the pieces .. read moreyour welcome jess, i think this books is going to be really great once you start putting the pieces together, i will read every chapter you post ;)
10 Years Ago
thank you once again:)
10 Years Ago
your welcome, i have a book on here too :) you can check out :)
Interesting. :) There were a few grammatical errors, but nothing another read-through with a red pen can't fix. ;)
I've read a lot of werewolf stories, and I think that if you want to set yours apart you could change the main character to a shapeshifter (who takes the form of a wolf) instead of a werewolf (which is—in my opinion—a cliché, and because it seems all he can do is shift into that form).
Anyhoo, that's just my opinion, and you're the writer. ;)
I look forward to reading your next chapter! Good job so far!!
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Could you be a little more specific on the grammar errors? And thank you for your suggestion lol.
"and when we moved..." should be "so when we moved..."; "It’s a Monday night, which means spaghett.. read more"and when we moved..." should be "so when we moved..."; "It’s a Monday night, which means spaghetti and garlic bread." this should be past tense; "in my room dying of boredom,..." -> "in my room, dying of boredom,...;" "yelled back, while stirring..." -> "yelled back while stirring... " OR "yelled back, stirring... ;" "With delicacy pieces of my clothing fluttered..." would probably should better as "Pieces of my clothing fluttered delicately...;" "settle into..." -> "settle onto;" "and that’s when it began." -> "and it began.;" "I was kneeling on the ground allowing..." -> "I knelt on the ground, allowing...;" "to shift, and little by little..." "to shift. Little by little...;" the sentence after this one needs to be past tense; "I smelt them";" I'd suggest putting "them" in italics, rather than quotation marks and make it I smelt them. The Hunters.;" "being drug out..." -> "being dragged out...;" this one isn't grammatical, but I think it would sound better: "I obeyed. He was then stunned..." -> "I obeyed, and then watched as he was then stunned..."
Feel free to ask me for any editing help, etc. :) I look forward to reading more!! :D