"Dear Prudence"

My father and mine's relationship, it's hard to explain...

"Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play, greet the brand new day, the sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful and so are you"

I often think back on how my father spoke of me

He chose words like Dandelion and Sunflower when others were around

The the door would close, shades pull down.

His slurs would bend and break me, 

his eyes burned with a deep hate for me.

I like to consider the times my father held me

Stroking my hair and singing old Beatles songs softly off keys to me

Then he'd pick a bottle, sit with a favorite shot glass full.

His hands would grasp the hair he had used to caress me into sleep,

his hand scorching the side of her face.

I dream of nights spent awake for hours talking about anything, almost

Words shared between banana cream pie or our family car and the front door

Then time passed and I went away, you grew sick and faded out, and then...

I thought the song was over, no more pain and anguish for us...

But I still hear your favorite Beatles songs.

Author's Note

This is personal for me yes but please give me an honest read and criticism, it is the only way I get any better. Thanks alot.

Reviews

[Ben Walker]

It's a great piece, very haunting. A few bits and bobs need proof reading
-Beatles*
-Hear* ( in the last line)
and a few others.
It's a truly deep poem, I found the two first versus very striking, harrowing and beautiful all at the same time.
I look forward to reading some more of your poetry

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Thank you I am gonna work on fixing any problems tonight when i have more time to work on it. Was the final verse not so good? I am happy you liked this.
Jessie

[TLK]

While this is personal, this is still only the seed of a great poem as there are some mistakes that need correcting. I can also think of ideas of how to rewrite this smoother. I've read your author's note and I think this is what you're telling me you want.

MISTAKES: "me me" repeated in line 4.
"Beattles".The use of 'favourite shot glass filling' doesn't make sense to me, I think because it is both passive voice and the wrong tense.
"the side of her face" is a switch from first- to third- person.
Last line: "*hear* Beatles songs".
two spaces in "cream pie__or the car"

Arguably "burned of hate" is (I think) grammatically incorrect, but I don't know if this reflects a personal or local habit of speech.


QUIBBLES: "and then..." is a weak way to end any stanza, but especially a stanza with such emotional power. "Shades pull down" is a very strong action to end the stanza, bringing in darkness and difference.
A few too many ellipses. These function to show that sentences are unfinished/trailing off, but I think you already show that there is a lot left unsaid with the tone and shape of the poem. On this one I would say 'try to trust the reader to realise this for themselves'.
"Sixty minutes or so ago" is too direct to fit into this poem. You are writing about someone glancing off memories and making only fleeting contact. In comparison, these words are stolid and too based in reality. How about "a hundred whispered love songs ago," or something? Measuring time in this way keeps us grounded in the memories of one person relating themselves to another person, and I think would really strengthen the switch from loving to harmful.



IDEAS:
How about if you interspersed the Beatles lyrics throughout your poem? You could have them in italics to indicate that they are not your own. This would show the fragments of your thoughts/memories/feelings. It would also lead to a great payoff at the end, with you literally still hearing the songs.
Go for more poetic imagery. "Giving kind words" is obvious, but what about the imagery and metaphors? Perhaps these kind words were growing up to be princesses, perhaps they lovingly put you to bed. More actions here would indicate the potential tenderness of the father figure.



Personal interest:
As the son of an alcoholic, I am also wondering about the interpersonal change as he started to fill his shot glass. However, I don't think this would fit here, due to the way the poem is destined to end.

[Jessica Gillitzer]

This was all very helpful for me, thanks alot. I was hoping you might condense it down a bit and maybe mail it to me i was looking at all the things to fix and got a little overwhelmed, i agree with everything you put I just couldn't work them all out sorry i get a little overwhelmed sometimes when I try to correct this much stuff at one time no matter what it is. thanks alot for the help.
Jessie

[Jessica Gillitzer]

N/M I am working on it the way you have it here, thanks again.

[unsavable_soul]

Wow this is excellent,
You do a great job at conveying how you both love and maybe hate your father, this is quite a nice piece you have here. You use very strong yet delicate descriptions. The Beattles song at the end is ever so haunting in your ending. I noticed something that might be a typo, I refrain as I feel this might be too personal a piece for me to just throw it out there. I look forward to more of your work.
Sincerely
Christopher
P.s. I have a friend you might like to check out her name is Jupiter in my friends list, she has a piece I believe called "The Night Flower" I think you might like. You should check it out.

[Jessica Gillitzer]

i'm glad you enjoyed it. I try, i went and checked out Jupiter's piece. it was great. what typo was it you saw and thanks for all the help.
Jessie

[unsavable_soul]

It has already been covered. I tend to meander along too often, my apologies. I look forward to more pieces when you have them.
Chris

[larryb]

Very good write of a very hard subject to look back on....this flows nicely and other than a few misspelled words you did well with this :)

[Jessica Gillitzer]

It was very hard for me to think of the words but i felt strongly what I wanted to say just not always best with my words. what did I misspell I do these things quicker then i should sometimes. thanks. I enjoy this community and people so willing to help.
Jessie

[larryb]

His slurs would bend and break me me was repeated and you spelled Beatles wrong a couple of times ...no big deal ...every one knew what you meant...just a word of caution to proof read is all :)

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Thanks alot I can't tell you how much this means to me, everyone here is so helpful I need that.
read moreThanks alot I can't tell you how much this means to me, everyone here is so helpful I need that.
Jessie

[larryb]

I helped cause i love the Beatles a lot lol

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Yeah me too.

[Luke L]

Lovely stuff I really enjoyed the emotion you put within this piece! Keep at it lady :)

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Thanks I will. I go by Jessie in case you're curious. Have you been here a while?
Not sure if I am doing the review thing right is it opinion or constructive critisism, I already did two and hope I did them right I just wasn't sure?

[Luke L]

alrighty Jessie it is :p. I'm Luke nice to meet you. I just started on here tonight actually. Honestly it's whatever you want it to be. Or sometimes the author will request a certain type of feedback. Personally I just post on here, because I like people to enjoy my work.

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Excellent, I've got a friend. Were new together. i like the way you put it here. It's what you make of it huh? Well thanks for extending some friendship as I am just getting to a point where I get more of this. Thanks for helping me out dear Luke.
Jessie