The Struggles of Abandonment

A letter to the women who changed my whole world.

Dear Mom,

For years I’ve wondered what I’d say to you if given the opportunity. I have tried so hard to make myself not miss or need you. You hear stories of children losing their parents in a tragic accident or stories of children being taken away from their parents even though that's not what the child or parent want and you feel sad for those poor children. How am I supposed to feel knowing that you chose to abandon me? What does it say about me when people hear that my mother chose to run off with a man and leave her children without any regard as to what would happen to them or even give them a simple goodbye. My own mother didn’t see me as being important enough or worthy of being loved. Well, let me tell you how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like my whole life, everything I ever thought, was a lie. I grew up never anticipating this happening. I remember being little and you playing with me and showing me what love was suppose to look like. Even up to the day everything happened, I still remember kissing you goodnight every night and saying “I love you Mommy” and you’d say “I love you Jess”. How could you have “loved” me but have left me like I never meant anything to you? I wanted you to fight for us. To fight for me. The system, as wicked and cruel as it is, gave you three times to come and fight for us. You didn’t show up for a single one. You were my mother for fifteen years. How was I supposed to be okay and be strong after losing you. Before dad got put away, you were our saving grace. You always stood up for us and never let him beat us when you were around and when you would see the results of what he had done while you were not around you would hug us and kiss us and tell us how sorry you were and how one day he would never be able to hurt us again. We all grew up knowing how scary dad was and what he was capable of. I still remember the day that I thought my life was gonna change for the better and that all five of us kids would finally have a good life with you and dad would never be able to hurt us. It started out as a typical day. Dad was “talking” to Bubba, Christy, and myself when Christina made a comment that he was not very fond of and he then proceeded to do what we were all so afraid of yet so use to. He began to hit Christina over and over again and the more she fought the harder he hit. I had learned to just lie there and make myself think that it wasn't happening but even though she was younger than me, she was still so much braver and always fought him. Steven refused to help him hold her down like and and Timothy were always told to do when he needed to teach one of us a lesson. Instead he began to attack dad and get him off

Christina. I remember holding Wesley and trying to shield him from what was going on. Everything happened so fast that i’m not sure how dad got a knife but I do remember very vividly him stabbing Steven in the stomach. All I can see is blood and you rushing to help him. Timothy and Brittany had pinned dad to the wall long enough for you to get Steven outside. It seemed like Bubba, Christy, and I sat there forever before help came. Steven was taken to the hospital and the police told you that you had to take us and leave or they would take us. Steven’s wounds were not life threatening and was released from the hospital that night. Our youth pastor came to get us and took us all to our church. Russell, our youth pastor, played such an important role in our lives. You nor dad never mentioned God or Church so we would all sneak to church without yall knowing. We all knew that God had put Russell in our lives to help us. Russell helped you get a car and paid for us to stay at the super 8 until space became available at the women's shelter. During our three month stay at the shelter, Dad was arrested in November of 2010, just a few days before my fifteenth birthday, and sentenced to 99 years for murder. He is currently set to go to trial for the rape of my two sisters. Dad never did to me what he had done to Brittany or Christina. I know for sure that he never touched me like that because he walked in on someone doing it to me a few years back and pulled him off me and saw what kind of damage it did to me. There has never been a doubt in my mind that dad murdered that man and did that to my sisters. I knew it was happening to Brittany and had been telling you and trying to help her for years but she wouldn't admit it and mom, you wouldn't listen. It was reassuring knowing that dad could never hurt us again. Before long, you let us in on the secret that you were seeing Paul, your ex-husband and Timothy,Steven, and Brittany’s dad, again. I can not begin to describe the emotions that I was feeling in that moment. You had described Paul as a terrible violent man and told us that the things he did to you and the boys(Brittany wasn’t around yet) would make things that my dad did look like nothing. I felt outraged that you would let such a terrible man back into our life. Dad had not even been in prison for a month when yall started talking and decided that he would move to Alabama and live with us. Yours and dads divorce wasn't even finalized!! I knew that it was wrong of me, but I hate that man more than anything. I hated him before I even met him because I just knew he was going to be like my dad and that we weren’t going to be happy. I remember fighting with you and begging you not to let him come and asking why you would let the terrible man that you had described to us when we lived with my dad come live with us. From that day on, little bits and pieces of the mom i knew began to slowly fade away. Looking back now, I can see that you are the type of women who can not be alone and I think you would have settled for anyone who showed you attention and wanted to be with you. I know it must have been scary knowing that you were now the single mom of six kids but I just wish you would have saw how strong we all were and how you didn't need a man to love you when you were our whole world. I had been completely oblivious to the fact that you had known about dad killing that poor man and had chosen to do nothing and let us continue to live in the same house as him for a whole year until Paul finally convinced you to report him so he could have you. Mom, I truly feel sorry for you. You deserve so much more than Paul. After Paul came to Alabama and we moved to some apartments in the ghetto, everything began to spiral downward again. Timothy and Steven had both moved out due to physical alterations that they had had with Paul. Neither of them looked at him as their father. How could they after what you told them? Brittany was the only one who liked him and I’m still not sure what she saw in that mean man. It wasn’t until Paul moved in that Brittany told him and you what dad had done to her all those years. I was so disgusted with Brittany I couldn't look at her. For all those years I had tried to help her. I would ask her every time I knew something was happening to her and she would tell me no and run and tell dad that I had asked and I would get beaten and put on room restriction. Sometimes after she would come out of his room he would let her get food or soda and she’d sit down at the table and look at us and drink it with a smile on her face. She knew that we were hungry but she didn’t care because she was getting her reward for letting him have his way. I remember screaming out in rage at her asking her how she could have put me through that for all those years if it had been true. I demanded to know why she decided to wait until dad was already in prison and her dad lived with us to tell yall when she could have saved us all from dad so long ago. Brittany had no response, she knew that I knew that it had been a sick game to her. That was the first time I experienced how vicious Paul could be and that night I vowed to myself that I would not let him hurt me or my little brother or sister again. Every time he hit any of us I was the first one in his face. I wanted him to know that I did not respect him and that he could not hurt me no matter how much pain he inflicted on me. I knew that if he continued to be a part of our life that one, if not all of us, would end up losing ours. During this time, you and Paul made me get a job which I didn’t mind doing because that meant I didn't have to be around him. You also worked at Piggly Wiggly were I started working and every week would pick my check up and they would use it. When my boss realized that I wasn't getting the money I was working for he made it so that mom wouldn't pick my check up and that only I could pick it up and cash it. I did my best to hide my money but Paul insisted that I had to pay rent to live in the house and after I refused to tell them where my money was he kicked me out. I was gone for two weeks, neither him nor my mother knew where I was. Finally, i decided to go back to work where you told me that if I did not come back home that you would have the police come get me and arrest whoever was letting me stay with them. I knew that I was trapped and that I had to go back. I had to fully trust that God had a plan and was going to get us out. I kept my school counselor updated on what was going on but despite how much she wanted to help us, DHR would not do anything without evidence. Bruises and marks were not enough, it would have literally had to of been a video for them to even care. I continued to work and give them my ‘rent’, all the while, trying to convince mom that we didn't deserve this and begging her to make him leave. My respect for you slowly began to dwindle away more and more. You were not the same mom I had known growing up. You were not the women who would eat nothing just so that we got to eat. You were not the women who cuddled us when we were sick and protected us from all the evil and scary things of the world. Paul had succeeded at turning you into a selfish human being who cared more about her own happiness then the living conditions or well being of her own children. Even though we lived in a terrible neighborhood and our house did not look like much, yours and pauls bedroom had the finest things. They had a king size sleigh bed, flat screen tv, and gadgets that I didn't even know existed. Meanwhile, Brittany, Christina, Wesley, and myself all shared a tiny room that had a dresser a mirror and mattress on the floor. Our room, which was the attic, had a broken window and didn't have an air conditioner or a heater. It got so hot during the summer that I was convinced I knew what hell would feel like. I would tell Bubba and Christina that Paul was making mom do these things and that she wasn’t really bad and that she loved us so much. You would still hug and kiss us and tell us how much you loved us. I knew that you did bad things like selling pain medication and food stamps but I really believe what I told wesley and christina. I couldn’t imagine not having my mom or thinking that you didn’t care about us. Even then, if you would have asked me, I would have said that my mom loved us so much and we loved her just the same. At that time, I didn’t think it could get any worst. I believed it would get better. I had no idea how wrong I was. I had just gotten home from work and you had just got finished making dinner. Paul had made a new rule that only the adults could sit down to eat. For me, that was fine. However, Wesley had a broken foot from being pushed down the stairs and he had not gotten his cast put on yet. Paul was well aware that Wesley’s foot was broken and still forced him to stand on his foot to eat. He was in so much pain that all he could do was cry. Paul became enraged that he was crying and not eating his food. He began to threaten him and tell him that if he didn't shut up and eat his food that he was going to get beaten. Bubba tried to stop crying and force himself to eat but his pain was so obvious. He tried to tell them how bad he was hurting but Paul had had enough and went to get a leather belt. What happened next was a true act of God. I know this because there is no other explanation. There isn't any way that I would have been able to think to do what I did next without God whispering in my ear. I had managed to save up enough money secretly to buy a phone. I took the phone out and pressed the record button and put it back in my pocket before anyone realized what I had done. I knew that I would only have sound because my phone did not have a camera and even if it did i wouldn't have been able to have video without being seen. I prayed that it would be enough to get us away from him or at least make the system tell my mom that she had to get us away from him like they had done with my dad. I wanted to give you the chance to choose on your own so you wouldn't feel like I was going behind your back so the following morning, right before I went to go outside and catch the bus and while Paul was taking a shower, I went into your room and sat down and told you that what we all went through with dad was very traumatic and that we did not deserve to be put through it again with Paul. I told you how much I love you. I remember asking you if you would leave him for us. After saying no, I told you that I had recorded what Paul did to Wesley the night before but you didn’t believe me. I pleaded with my mom one more time but got the same response. I knew I had to go or that I would miss my bus. I hugged you tighter than ever before because I wasn’t sure that I’d get to again. I told you that I loved you and went to get on the bus. When I got to school, I went to the counselor's office and let her listen to the recording. She called the principal in and they both assured me that everything was going to be okay and that we would not have to go back home as long as Paul was there. The next thing I remember was our case worker walking in and sitting down with myself, the counselor, and my principle and listening to the recording. Nothing that she heard seemed to faze her and she said that without actual video there was nothing she could do. Thanks to my counselor and my principle insisting that something be done, she agreed to put Bubba, Christy, and me in a safe house for the night but she told me that we would have to go back tomorrow. After school, she drove us to our house so that we could go inside and grab some clothes for the night and the next day. The look that Paul gave me pure hate and I could almost hear him say that I would pay for this. You were crying hysterically and telling us that you loved us and that you were sorry. We kept telling you that we loved you too and that it was okay, we would be back tomorrow after school. I couldn’t understand why you kept saying sorry. The next day at school, I remember being called to the office and told that there were people waiting to talk to me in the counselor's office. I remember walking in and seeing the concerned look on the counselor and principles face. I remember looking at the caseworker but not being able to read her. I sat down and waited for someone to speak. To say that I was nervous would have been an understatement. The caseworker had enough gratitude to let my counselor break the news to me because she was much more empathetic and could obviously communicate better. She proceeded to tell me that they had been informed that the power and water at my house had been turned off and since it is against regulation for children to stay in a home without running water and electricity that the caseworker had gone to tell my mom and Paul that they needed to go pay the bill so that we could come home after school, but when she arrived at the house no one was there. She said nothing was in the house and that it was very obvious that they had packed up and moved. The caseworker said that she had no idea why they would have ran unless they had something to hide and informed me that both Mom and Paul would be charged with abandonment. She told me that since Bubba, Christina, and myself were the only ones left under the age of eighteen that we would be placed in the system. I was told that we would not get to stay together. I knew in that moment why you kept telling us that you were sorry. Our lives were never going to be the same. I would stay with a family in town and Bubba and Christina would be placed in separate homes in the next town over. I remember feeling speechless. This had to be a dream. Mom wouldn’t have just left us. We can’t be separated. They need me. I need them. Oh God. I remember begging them not to take Christina and Wesley away from me and sobbing so much that I couldn't breath. I had never felt this kind of pain before. I just wanted to go home to you and hug and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I told myself I would deal with Paul. I would let him do whatever as long as I could have my mom and brother and sister back. I remember praying that it had all been a dream. I don’t remember how I got to my new ‘home’, all I remember was sitting on unfamiliar bed feeling incredibly lost. I knew that this would not feel like home for me but I told myself that I had to be strong for Wesley and Christina. They look up to me and if they see me like this, then they’ll be scared. None of us understood what had happened or why it had happened. I would tell them that it's all going to be okay and that no one could hurt them anymore. On three separate occasions, we were told that our mom was going to come to court to get us back but you didn't show up to any of them and forfeited your rights over to the state. Bubba and Christina were devastated. They just wanted mommy back. By that point, I had gotten pretty good at concealing my emotions. Between the ages of sixteen and nineteen, I live with two different families, went to two different schools, and moved right before the start of my senior year of high school. The first family that I lived with was okay at first. They were all nice and their daughters and I became really close but soon things began to go south when the grandfather began being very inappropriate and attempted to rape me. I had been dating a guy for a few months at that time and I had become fairly close with his family. After hearing about what was going on, he and his family came and got me and I went to live with them. Patty and Greg were the closest things to parents and feeling true love that I got. But even those relationships were only for a short time. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to feel like you don’t have a home? I never felt that I was home. I never felt like anyone actually loved me. Everyone in my life left me. It made me so sad knowing that you’d never see me graduate or see me get married. I didn’t think I would be able to do life without you. You left me so broken. You shattered my whole world. You made us feel pain that we did not even know existed. And I want to thank you for that. Because of you, I am a strong, independent, and successful women. I have worked my butt off to live a different life than what I grew up. I got to graduate from high school early and got so many scholarships for college because of my grades. I remember pretending you were there on awards day and how proud you were. I got accepted into nursing school and work a full time job in the medical field along with being a full time student. I have met the man that I am going to marry and I just know you would have loved him. I miss you every day. I wish you could see me now and see everything that I’ve accomplished. I know you would be so proud. I pray that you realize the hold he has on you before it is too late. I want you to know that I forgive you and that I’m alright. I still love you more than anything mom. I hope you haven't forgotten me.

© 2015 Jessica Burgess

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Reviews

terry smith

Very sad!!! truly well written,and I am glad your story ends on a positive note!! Don't know what else to say other than on behalf of humanity I am truly sorry!

Posted 9 Years Ago

Geo Paul

The letter is written in an absolutely heart-touching manner and describes the struggles faced by an ordinary teenager well. I can say confidently that this would move the hearts of the men and women who read it and reduce them to tears....... Well done!!