Nature

"They're just kids..."  I said to the mirror in the restroom of the Ridgewood Nature Museum.  "They're just kids, and it's only for a couple of hours."  Come to think of it, that was part of the problem.  I knew that the nature museum was a joke.  I would take the kids on an hour long tour of the museum, nestled in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee; and the second hour or so would be spent in the assembly room, as I showed off one of our featured attractions, which today, would be the Eastern Box Turtle.  For a children's field trip, this was an absolute joke.

I knew how things would go; like they always do!  I would lead these little hellions through the woods, showing them our meager array of turtles, birds, frogs, and wild berries, while constantly having to "shush" them every step of the way, so they don't freak the animals out.  Then, it would be time to bring out the Eastern box turtle.  As always, I would have to keep the children quiet, so I would not end up with a scared little turtle pissing all over my hand.

Do you think their teacher would help me in this endeavor?  Yeah...fat chance.  These glorified babysitters of today wouldn't know what to do if they didn't have help from chaperones, the tour guide, or one of their little aids.  They are nothing like the taskmasters that I grew up with.  Back then, one teacher could control a group of forty children with no problem, because back then, there was such a thing as discipline.  When I was a child, teachers actually took responsibility for the kids when they decided to take them on these little excursions.  The teachers I had would have been humiliated if we had acted the way that these obnoxious little brats do; but the teachers today just shrug it off, like they have no control over the situation!

Then, there was that sound...that infernal sound that filled me with so much dread.  The loud purr of a disel engine approaching.  It was the sound of a school bus.

As I walked out ot the lobby, and put on my "PR smile", I could only think one thing, "This is not what I went to school for."  I had hopes of being a park ranger, maybe at Yellowstone or Yosemite; but alas no, here I am, waiting for these little heathenistic - AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?  Did the single file line thing become obsolete?  These little brats are just running haphazardly toward the door!  WHERE IS THE DAMN TEACHER?  Oh...there she is, just trudging along behind everyone.  I guess it's up to me.

"Woah there, guys!"  I said as nicely as I could stomach.  "Let's form a nice, single file line."  To my surprise, the children complied.  "Welcome to the Ridgewood Nature Museum."  I said, a little more apathetically than I meant to.  "If you will follow me into the assembly room, we'll get everybody divided up between myself and the other tour guides, and we'll get started.  Is everyone excited?"  "YEAH!"  The children exclaimed.  "Well, you're in for a real pisser."  I thought to myself.

The children followed me into the assembly room, with the teacher following behind.  Once the children were gathered into the assembly room, I asked the teacher to divide the children up into four groups of ten.  The teacher didn't say much, but complied.  

As this was happening, my boss, Rob, approached me and said, "All right, today is a big day."  "How so?"  I asked.  Rob replied, "As you probably know, we are losing a lot of funding from the state."  "Yeah..." I said.  "I can't imagine why..."  I thought to myself.  "With that being said," Rob continued, "I haved asked a represenative from Nashville to come down and sit in on your exhibition after the tour.  Hopefully, he will see that we provide a quality educational experience for the children in this area, and convince the big wigs to keep us up and running."  "Ok," I replied, "I'll just do what I always do."  "Hold on," Rob replied, "after you show the Eastern box turtle, I want you to bring out the barred owl."  "What?"  I replied, "You can't be serious, Rob!  The barred owl can hear a mouse over a mile away, and  you want me to bring this thing into a room with forty first-graders?"  "You can do it," Rob replied, "I have faith in you."  Rob walked away, and I said, under my breath, "What a piece of work..."

By the time I got back to the assembly room, the first two groups had already left and begun the tour, and the third was just leaving.  "That damn Rob," I thought to myself, "it must be nice to live in a little managerial bubble.  Wait a second...a bubble...yes, that's great...that may actually work!"  "All right, everyone," I said to the children, "we're going to begin the tour; but, before we begin, I need to tell you that the animals that we will see today are really, really sensitive to noise, and get scarred really easily.  so, we have to be very quiet.  Now, when I say 'make a bubble', I want you to put your finger on your lips, like you're telling someone to be quiet, and then, puff your cheeks out.  All right, let's see it, make a bubble!"  Upon this command, the children put their fingers up to their lips and puffed out their little cheeks, resembling a bubble.  It was adorable...well, the silence was adorable, anyway.

So, I led this group of miniature people out the door and began the tour.  Our first stop was the sapping turtles.  They were very common, and were more or less a "filler" to make the tour just a bit longer.  A small wooden platform overlooked the pond where the snapping turtles resided.  I stood on the platform and said, "All right, everyone, don't come too close; I don't want anyone to fall in."  I began explaining the details of the snapping turtle to the group of children.  As I continued my lecture, I noticed that several of the children were stepping forward and were getting close to where I was, at the edge of the platform.  "Guys," I said, "that's close enough."  I continued my lecture; however, it was only a couple of minutes before the children started inching closer again.  "They'll stop," I thought to myself, "surely they'll -" then, one of the children tripped and fell forward toward the edge of the platform.  I caught him, but I nearly fell into the pond myself.  "All right, back up!"  I said angrily.  "When I tell you people not to do something, you WILL listen, or we'll put your little butts back on the bus right now!"  The children looked at me, bewildered.  "Do I make myself clear?"  I asked.  They all nodded in fearful compliance.  "Good," I said, "let's continue.

So, we went through the rest of the tour without incident.  I had to tell them to make a bubble only a couple of times, but other than that, they were little angels.  I must admit, by the end of the tour, I was feeling pretty good about myself; but then, I saw the door leading back into the assembly room, and remembered that I had to show that damned barred owl.  I felt like my stomach had dropped.

Moments later, all of the children were gathered in the assembly room, and one of the other tour guides, Cindy, was showing the Eastern box turtle.  She gave her lecture about the turtle and opened the floor for questions.  Of course, the questions, as usual, were about things that Cindy had already mentioned, or were questions about something totally off-topic.  Hell, one kid didn't even say anything; once he was called on, he just sat there and stared at Cindy.  "God...was I ever that dumb?"  I thought to myself.

After the sham of a Q and A session was over, Cindy looked at me and nodded, and I felt my stomach drop all over again.  I stepped forward and said, "Ok, everyone, we have something very special to show you today.  How many of you know what an owl is?"  All forty children raised their hands.  I guess I'm not too familair with a first-grader's knowledge base.  "OK," I continued, "we're going to show you a very special owl, called the barred owl.  Now, the barred owl has very sensitive hearing, and gets scared very easily, so you have to be very, VERY, quiet."  The children nodded in agreement, and I went over how to "make a bubble" for the children who had not been in my tour group.

"All right," I said, "everyone, make a bubble."  The children complied, and I brought out the barred owl.  The children remained extraordinarily quiet as I quietly gave my lecture about the creature.  I glanced over at Rob, who was knodding in approval, and I noticed that even the "suit" from Nashville looked impressed.

Then, the owl spread it's beautiful wings, and let out a "hoot".  This could not have happened more perfectly.  I could tell that the children wanted to let out a "gasp" or an "awe", but they didn't...bless their little hearts, they remained perfectly quiet with their eyes telling a story of wonderous amazement.  "I've done it!"  I thought to myself.  Then...I heard it...and so did the owl.  The horrible sound of a camera shutter...a cell phone.  It all appeared to me to be in slow motion, as I watched the startled owl spin it's head like a corkscrew and release its bowels into my hand before it flew across the room.

The children gave a unanimous "EWWWWW!"  As the collection of white, liquid fecal matter dripped from my hand, I looked around the room for the owner of the cell phone, and it was the teacher...THE DAMN TEACHER!  I was so angry, I could literally see spots appearing in front of my eyes, but I kept my cool.  I calmly walked over to the teacher and said, "Ma'am, I'm afraid that cell phones are not allowed in the assembly area during a presentation.  May I have it until the proceedings have reached a conclusion?"  The teacher complied and surrendered the cell phone into my clean hand, and said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't know that it would...I...I"  I looked down at the infernal contraption with disgust, and smeared the owl feces on both sides of it, and slapped it onto the front of the teacher's blouse.  The last thing I remember hearing before escorted from the premesis was the laughter of forty children.

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

Amusing story. I would highly suggest breaking up the dialogue into several paragraphs. Meaning: when a new character talks, move to a new paragraph and indent. There were a few paragraphs in the middle of the story that were difficult to read because the dialogue was bunched up in one spot.

[BobM]

This was really well written, and extremely entertaining. I suggest repairing the last sentence, though- "...hearing before escorted" should be something like "hearing before being escorted."

[Shawna]

This was hilarious. Some very good points made throughout, especially how children are often not taught much on appropriate behavior anymore. Though I think the blame does not usually fall with the teachers, I think more often than not, they end up feeling like the Museum tour guide. The sarcastic internal comments of the main character were point on and refreshing. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

[Jesse Booker]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Marie]

This is pretty good, and has good lesson to it. THere are times times to keep your cell phone turned off.

Don't use an apoltrophe iwth "it's" unless you mean it to be a contraction for "it is."

[Jesse Booker]

Thanks! I'll have to correct that.

[Cambion]

Thanks for the funny read! I'd say you should definitely consider practicing your craft and creating more works for us to enjoy. Thanks again and may you be insulated this holiday season by the warmth of your family and friends.

[Jesse Booker]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Happy Holidays to you as well.