Her Dark State

This poem caused me to rethink. I know we can never change our fate. But at least we can try or we'll die.

She’s that girl

Who doesn’t know why she cries

Are there numerous problems

Or is it her sick conscience

She used to be the happy one

With her friends, had all the fun

But then her state deteriorated

Something in her mind spun

All the sobs became her fate

Soon she was to enter hell’s gate

Pain conquered her soul             

Devils began to howl

With that death started to chase

Everything in front of her seemed haze

But she refused to be caught

And continually fought

Because hope was what she believed in

And knew that this way she might change her fate and win

Author's Note

Please vote and review. And share your thoughts about changing your fate. you can inbox me

Reviews

[Willard Wells]

Nice positive message. Well penned and good flow. Keep writing.

[Jess]

Thank you :))

[Mary Christabel George]

Well, there really can be some mysterious circumstances under which a girl could feel so.
What's good about the poem is it ended on a positive note.
Hope can change it all.

[Jess]

Yes you're right.
thank yooou

[Elina]

This is a rather piercing piece of writing...but then, I think that most works on pain and anguish typically are. You did a splendid job of portraying that suffering and darkness.
I did notice a couple things:
"Everything in front of her seemed haze" - I think, perhaps, it would make more sense if it read "...seemed a haze." ?
"And knew that this way she might..." - This bit reads a little awkwardly to me. I'm not entirely sure what would be a decent fix without seeming redundant, but you might read aloud a few times and find a way to make it flow a little better.
These are, of course, only suggestions. Take them or reject them as you see fit. ^^

[Jess]

Yes I'll surely consider them.
Thanks for your time :)

[isus]

what happend to that little girl?

[Jess]

hahahha....ur curious to know? ;)
she's still fighting...

[isus]

maybe she should let it go? :)

[Jess]

u want her to die? *gasps

[isus]

i think i don't want her to die, i didn't realise she's in death threat

[Jess]

hahahaha....yea..she may die

[isus]

i really hope she gets well soon :)

[Jess]

i hope ur hope gets true

[Jesse W.]

Inspiring :) People undergo their hardships and hope alone is often enough to help them get through.

[Jess]

yesss! thank you

[SheIsYourCyn]

Hope is something we should never abandon. Good job.

[Jess]

thank you :)

[Celie Rose]

Intense pain and darkness within. I feel the struggle. Hope is that glimmer of light that helps us continue to fight. A hope to cling to. Emotional and very expressive write. Nicely written. Keep writing.

[Jess]

thank you :)

[Gee]

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel as long as there is hope.Nice Jess

[Jess]

indeed!
thank you :)

[ANTO]

.....YNWA !!!

[Jess]

.......sorry?

[Gee]

Gerry and the pacemakers..."when you walk through a storm,hold your head up high........"

[ANTO]

The line/title of a song that is a favourite of mines and the fellow Gee - whose review this is of your poem - has the acronym Y.N.W.A.
You'll Never Walk Alone - I believe that nobody walks alone on this good Earth.
Check this out Jess - and by the way I've read all your poems and Im working on the reviews :))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96099yShB8M

[Jess]

.............Oh i see

[Gee]

You tube,"Liverpool Football Club,The Kop,singing said song.........hairs stand on end

[ANTO]

No one could ever argue with that

[Gee]

Afternoon dear....

[Jess]

hey! whats happening here? haha

[Gee]

Lol,afternoon Jess,it's a hijack,Anti and Gee,comment hogging......sorry

[Gee]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh,Anto

[Jess]

....hahahaa

[ANTO]

I fell asleep... sorry...
Welcome Jess !!
:)

[Sandra Nair]

An inspiring work this is,Jess! I hope you'll do more.

[Jess]

Thank you :) :)

[Cathy Wattam]

Changing your fate begins with a change of mind, a change of thought. I'm glad your poem had a hopeful ending. When everything is lost, there is always hope. Hold on to that hope and fate may well follow suit :)

[Jess]

absolutely...i agree.
thank you :)