Her Dark State

This poem caused me to rethink. I know we can never change our fate. But at least we can try or we'll die.

She’s that girl

Who doesn’t know why she cries

Are there numerous problems

Or is it her sick conscience

She used to be the happy one

With her friends, had all the fun

But then her state deteriorated

Something in her mind spun

All the sobs became her fate

Soon she was to enter hell’s gate

Pain conquered her soul             

Devils began to howl

With that death started to chase

Everything in front of her seemed haze

But she refused to be caught

And continually fought

Because hope was what she believed in

And knew that this way she might change her fate and win

Author's Note

Please vote and review. And share your thoughts about changing your fate. you can inbox me

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

I am left wondering, if she started off happy then what changed? Her state deteriorated, mind spun? It sounds like mental health issues of some sort. If she used to be happy, then those issues must be situational or perhaps trauma-induced. I suppose her fight means her search for healing or improvement. She has a good chance; having seen happiness once will help to guide her toward seeing it again.
Fate is a tricky word. Some things will not change. Take the social class one is born into. If you aren't born rich there is little chanc you will become rich. I think the heart of the matter though, is simply the quality of life you will live. That need not be determined by your external circumstances (assuming your basic needs are met). If you can draw the majority of your satisfaction from the little pleasures: a sunrise, a hot bath, a cup of tea, contemplating a landscape or cityscape, looking at the moon... If you look inside yourself and realize the richness of human existence, each of us having our own infinite internal universe... If you make the effort to do that, have you not changed your fate? But if it can be changed, can fate be said to exist?

[Daniel-Andre]

Another poem you little she-devil xD A`ight, honestly. I really liked it. And Once again, I can see you`ve written this piece in traditional form. As it happens, traditional form is my favourite type of poem.

In any case, I thought this piece had some issues so I`ll walk us through them before getting to the good stuff. So let`s get to it, firstly, I want to bring up the space between the sentences. No, wait, what am I talking about? As it happens, there`s no space. Yup, that`s it, there`s no space between the sentences. That`s the problem. Because of that, it makes the text look unappealing, and when I say this, I`m talking about visually unappealing. Now, I`m not saying you`ll have to divide the sentences like South - and North Korea. Just give us some breathing room, that`s it :)

The second issue I`ve got is your take on the traditional form. Mostly, when I`ve taken a look at poems and lyrics written in the very same form, the rhymes already started from the first sentence and continued all the way down to the bottom. Here, you`ve started them on the midway instead. Haven`t got the foggiest idea why. Because when I first started reading this, I was under the impression that this was a free form poem. Because free form poems doesn`t have rhymes, take the poem I have published for instance. That`s a classic example of a free form.

It just made me scratch my head a little because the rhymes you had were great, and I personally thought that if you could make just as good ones for the few empty sentences in the first half, then that would help spice up the poem as a whole. Well, well :)

Enough bitching, time to talk about the good stuff. No grammar mistakes, I like that. The sentences had a good flow. In addition, the rhymes you already had were great in my opinion. I like the topic in this poem as well. In addition, it was interesting and a fun read :D

So yes, a good read overall. I found it enjoyable, keep it up you little she-devil :D I want to read more stuff like this in the future.

[Jess]

Thank you very much boy! Yea actually this is one of my first poems here and tbh I didn't know how to properly edit. I got to know that afterwards but I didn't correct it. I wanted it to stay it the same way just to remind me of my very first mistakes and work on them in future. I know its weird but that's the way I like it.
The rhymes,I need to work on them for sure. I need improvement on them.
And for the rest thank you very much boy. I know it says it all.

[Daniel-Andre]

Yeah, I can relate to that. Ya know, when I first started out writing, I was horrible. Obviously, since I had to learn the English language from scratch, except for the little knowledge I had from the classes at school.

I`ve literally got tons of crappy texts I wrote three and two years ago that I haven`t improved/edited. I keep them in the s****y state for the exact same reason. I want to remember my mistakes and see how I improve, it`s a source of motivation for me :D

Lastly, at least you didn`t underline the B word this time, that`s progress xD

[Mifa]

The first nine lines got me interested. But then you started with the rhymes and again, I have to say, it felt forced and didn't really key-in with the despair that the character in question felt.

[Adam Adams]

well, that's an interesting topic you come up with. most of us are always being so depressed and anxious in 'bout life just 'cause we ain't got any particular direction to walk on, we ain't ev'n know the exact purpose of our life which seemed to be the foremost cause to our darken-nights. you speak the heart very well in words!! yeah, i hear ya, we can't alter our past but can easily change our fate by changing, twisting and kinda distorting the state of our mind. here i absolutely agree with that, sweety. kinda intriguing choice of words you use here in this poetry. rhythmic pattern's, of course, as humming as your pumping heart. kinda fascinating! liked it.

ps. you seem to be dropping not only poetry but a part of your beyonce heart. keep it up!

[Jess]

Thank you so so much for your valuable words. You're right about changing fate by changing state of mind. Wow this is an amazing review! A great compliment, thank you :))

[Eddie Davis]

I like this poem because you are journeying with the subject down a dark road that seems to be leading to destruction and at the last moment there is a defiant surge of life and the fierce passion to survive. Nicely done.

[Happy hours]

Thought provoking and beautifully written.

[Coyote Poetry]

Sometime, all we have is hope.
"But she refused to be caught
And continually fought
Because hope was what she believed in
And knew that this way she might change her fate and win"
I liked the above lines. Real life and true. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Jess]

Thank you for your time and yes hope is very essential.

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[John Gifford]

Getting to really like your Dark side...lol

[Unknown Poet]

Heart touching.... I have to words to say anything about this writing... Thank you for sharing your deep pain

[1]

Fate is an inevitability but along the way until that day, we can certainly do some good to effect change......