The note.

I ran outside, slamming the creaky wooden door behind me, and took off for the track; the one place I knew there would be peace. I jogged for a few minutes before finding the cracked path that lead to the small area of woods that was left in this town. The rest of the forest had been torn away so houses could be put up. It angered me whenever I thought about it, except today.

Today was different; it was a warm August Saturday, with the sun shining and the birds chirping, what could be wrong? Sure, the weather outside made the world seem beautiful, but the second that anyone stepped inside, or me anyways, it was hell.

I had grown use to the yelling and screaming between my parents, and the abuse from my older brother Jack, but something pushed me over the limit today, because today was the day I cut. Today was the day I never wanted to go back.

I walked on the broken cement path leading to the darker parts of the forest, tears streaming down my bruised face, hurting with every drop that formed. I came up to my favourite tree and sat beneath it, letting the deep sobs escape my trembling lips freely. I felt the sting of the fresh cuts burn on my arm as I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep myself quiet.  I kept my face burrowed into my knees even after the tears stopped forming and I had already calmed. I felt a drop of rain fall onto my head, as I looked up to see storm clouds forming.

“Good,” I said aloud, picking myself up off the ground and pulling my cell phone out of my pocket, “I could use a little rain.”

I dialled my friend Kaylee’s number and waited for her to pick up, wiping my swollen purple eye from tears while I waited.

“Hello?” she asked the sounds of laugher and splashing echoing in the background. I took a moment to respond, asking if I could stay the night at her house.

“Uh, now isn’t a good time Chell,” she said, her voice sounding farther and farther away, “We’ll talk tomorrow okay? Bye!”  

The dial tone.

I shoved the phone deeply into my pocket in frustration; I guess I would be stuck wandering around all night. I knew I wasn’t going back home tonight, and hopefully never. I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I knew going back would just kill me.

I leaned against the tree, closing my eyes and trying to think of what was left to do; the only other person I knew to call was Travis, my boyfriend, and one of the biggest reasons I was still alive. I wasn’t what you could call “suicidal” but I could never find anything to really live for.

When I met Travis, he saved me from my last “little” cutting episode, and gave me something to hope for. I deliberated for a moment about calling him, not wanting to bother him on a Saturday afternoon, but I saw no other option; it was clear that Kaylee wasn’t interested, and no one else would be home at this time of day.

I dug my phone out of my pocket and dialled Travis’s home number, and after 12 rings, I hung up and dialled his cell number. The second my finger hit the talk button, he picked up and answered with a groggy “hello?”

“Uh, hey, can you pick me up?”

“Ashley? Sorry I can’t, gotta go shopping for the b***h’s birthday,” he said his voice perking up as he spoke.

“Who’s the b***h?” I asked,  playing along with whoever he thought Ashley was. By the sounds of his voice, I didn’t like who his “friend” Ashley was.

“Naive Michelle, she still doesn’t know about us babe, we’re safe.”

I felt my heart crumble into a million tiny pieces with those words. I felt my breathing stop as the tears started up again.

“You know what Travis? She does now,” I said, whipping the phone at the ground and watching it shatter into a thousand tiny pieces, right along with my heart. I felt all the hope evaporate out of me in that tiny moment and I knew what was to become of my life.

“I just can’t do this anymore!!” I screamed out, knowing that nobody would be listening, but hoping it would release some tension.

It didn’t work at all and instead left me standing in the misty rain, my tears hidden from the world. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry anymore, it was all just too much.

I felt inside my pocket and came across the cold silver metal that had been used too many times before, the sharp edge stabbing into my finger.

I grasped my hand around it, pulling it out without cutting my hand, and examined it. There was still a small amount of blood from this morning’s episode, as it gleamed in the light.

“Guess I should leave a note or something,” I said, beginning to feel the shock of what I was about to do. I was ending my life, and not a moment too soon.

I took out a piece of paper and looked around for a pen or something to write with. Luckily, I found the smashed remains of a pen that still worked.

 

Dear World,

You’ve screwed me over enough, I’m done.

I hope you don’t treat everyone like this...

xoxo

Michelle Oxmon

 

I left the note a few feet away from me, the edge of it just under a rock. “Alright then,” I said, feeling sadness build in my chest as I removed the razor from my pocket again, “right first, left last.” I brought the razor to my right arm, and dug the corner of it deeply into the middle of my arm. I held it there for a moment, before dragging it down my arm with full force.

The blood started to pour out within a second of moving the blade, my heart beating faster as I watched it. I quickly put the blade in the other hand and did the same, more blood escaping the deep throbbing cut as I moved. Once the deed was done, I sat back and sighed, trying to keep myself calm.

As the moments began to past, the world began to blur and my legs and arms began to go numb, tears finally erupting from my eyes.