Indescribable Shame

A Poem by Jess Holden

I thought all along what I missed was what was on the inside.
I was wrong.

I did not love your overwhelming ability to worry over everything;
how you gave into anxiety with such ease.

I did not love your unpreparedness;
or how you never seemed to have a pen for law.

I did not love the way you held my hand;
you were so particular over such a small detail.

I did not love how you spoke to me;
I always felt like I was on trial.

I did not love the way you treated me;
I just wanted you to understand my silence.

I loved the most basic, vain and sexual things about you.
and knowing that depresses me.

I loved the way you kissed me;
how surreal and unbelievable it felt.

I loved the way your hands ran circles around my body;
no one had quite held me like that.

I loved the way you fucked me;
perfect and consensual.

I loved the way your eyes would lite up when you smiled;
how light your eyes were,
knowing the sorrow behind them.

I loved your lips,
My God your lips...
Maybe we shouldn't bring those up.

I loved you for the most sexual of reasons,
but I still wanted all of you.

Even if we didn't quite fit together.